Chapter 6

Nai sat in the kitchen the whole night staring at the bedroom door. He felt ashamed of shouting at Marko, it wasn’t the boys fault that he wanted to know who he really was. In Marko’s place he would probably ask the same questions, the problem was that the answers weren’t that easy, things were complicated.

Finally as the sun was beginning to rise, Nai got up and hesitantly approached the bedroom door. “Marko?” He called softly. “Are you awake?”

Marko hadn’t really been able to sleep, he kept squeezing the pillow against his chest to get the illusion of comfort from it. He was scared of what would happen now, everything felt so confusing and frightening. They were in Japan and he didn’t speak the language, wasn’t sure if he could ever again return home. It was ironic really; most of his life he had desired away and to exciting adventures and now that he was in one, he wanted nothing more that to be back home to the gentle and loving arms of his grandmother. He blinked tiredly when hearing Nai’s voice, still wary of the other male.

“Yeah…” He forced himself to answer; his voice was hoarse and hardly carrying.  The door cracked open and Nai peaked shyly inside.

“I’ll make you some breakfast, you haven’t eaten almost in three days,” the watcher said worriedly and Marko wiped the remaining tears from under his eyes.

“Okay…” Marko whispered not really recognising the hunger that he should feel by now. Nai tried to smile, nodded and left to prepare the promised breakfast for the boy. Some minutes later he returned carrying a tray, Marko followed his movements insecurely.

“May I?” Nai asked standing next to the bed. “Sit?” Marko nodded slowly.

“Here,” Nai placed the tray next to the one he left in the room the previous night. “I want to apologize.” There was a moment of silence.

“It’s been difficult for you as well,” Marko whispered then, wanting to understand the situation and come in terms with it.

"Still I shouldn't shout at you,” Nai traced his finger over the edge of the tray nervously. "I'm sorry I scared you." Marko’s eyes followed the movement of Nai’s hand for a moment before bringing his gaze back up to his face, his eyes were glimmering.

"I-I need you... now..." The blond whispered. "It's difficult and I'm confused like hell... but I- I need you." Nai smiled and nodded.

"I'm not going anywhere..." he picked one sandwich. "Eat, okay?" Marko reached out to take the sandwich which he then started to nipple slowly, almost having to force himself to eat. He was silently watching Nai, almost as if trying to figure him out. The look felt weird to Nai, he wasn’t sure if the other was still scared of him. Sighing heavily Nai decided that leaving the blond alone for now was the best idea. “I’ll go and unpack, you… eat.” He nodded almost sternly before leaving the room.

Marko watched Nai go, continuing to nipple small pieces of his sandwich. His mind was racing, going through everything that had happened in short period of time. He thought of his own past as well, his grandmother and her brothers, Alexander and his own father… He thought of Pete, who had never been good or considerate person to others, but a man who knew what he wanted and simply took it. Marko had been desperate back when he had first met Pete, his grandmother had only recently been taken into the hospital, he had no money, his father didn’t want him home and he had felt so alone. Pete was rich and at first it had been something to allure him, at first everything had felt okay, but then… The man had been controlling, abusing and cruel, that’s why Marko had left him in the end; It was better to be poor than to live among riches and be abused.

If Nai hadn’t been in his life, Pete most likely would have found a way to get him back, break his will and… Now instead of being here he would be in that house, maybe locked up in Pete’s bedroom, and kept there as long as needed to break his spirit and the will to run away. He could have ended up as being Pete’s mindless, obedient whore and deep down he was also certain that Pete could have just as easily killed Nai instead. Marko sighed and put down the half eaten sandwich, he could survive this, they both could, they just needed to understand each other better.

Till noon Nai was unconsciously avoiding Marko, unpacking, filling, organising his things. He needed to get Marko new clothes, needed to fill up the fridge, needed to get the medicines, needed… to make it up. He sighed heavily sitting in the middle of the living room floor, there was so much to do and he couldn’t only pray that in the end everything would work out.

The sound of bare feet’s on the wooden floor, Nai turned to look. Marko was standing few feet’s away from him, blanket wrapped around the lithe figure. The boy looked so fragile and pale; Nai thought, but tried to smile reassuringly to him. “Hi,” the blond whispered.

“Hi, you’re awake,” he stated and Marko nodded, walking closer with hesitant steps, until kneeling on the floor next to him.

“I’ve been thinking. I seem to have too many thoughts in my head that keep me awake…” Marko gave a nervous smile, keeping his gaze on Nai. “Listen, I-“ He took a pause, drawing his bottom lip between his teeth for a moment, before he continued with low voice; “I don’t want us to be so jumpy around each other.” Nai gave him an apprehensive smile.

“Yeah, that sucks…” The watcher agreed. “You keep looking at me like I’m some wild beast.”

“I’m sorry… I’m…” The blond sighed and drew his knees close to his chest. “I’m just trying to make sense of this all,” he explained. “But like I said, I’ve been thinking… and you’re not a wild beast,” he gave the dark haired man a weary grin, who in turn smiled and nodded.

“If you have any questions, ask. I overreacted last night,” Nai admitted and would have liked to touch his lover reassuringly, but wasn’t sure if it would be welcomed.

“I’m still a bit shaken,” Marko started. Talking about the whole thing didn’t feel easy but deep down he knew it was the only thing they could do to make better of the situation. He rested his chin over his knees, still watching Nai carefully. “At times I might still act jumpy around you, I might get scared… But it would help me to know what it is that you do exactly and…” Another deep sigh, Marko tried his best to get his messed up thoughts in some sort of order to make them easier to understand. Nai chuckled nervously.

“Okay, I think I should understand,” he nodded looking at the younger male, feeling sad that it had to be like this, that Marko might get scared of him, it felt so wrong somehow, since the last thing he ever wanted was to hurt him.

“Your life hasn’t been easy either,” Marko continued. “You’ve lost your family and…” He took a small pause. “I’ll try to explain myself to you, I’m… “ Why did it have to be so difficult? Marko wondered. “I’m used to being disappointed or hurt by other people, it’s not easy to trust that my luck would change… especially after this… My father used to beat me up, he’s an alcoholic. He changed after my mom left us… I’m used of people leaving me, people that I thought I could count on, though some cases I guess it has been me who’s done the escaping…” Marko frowned, Nai looked confused. “I know I am not making much sense, my thoughts are still a mess… but… um… You haven’t hurt me Nai, many others have and now… what happened with …him…”

“Are you angry with me for killing him?” Nai asked, scared of the answer. Marko shook his head softly.

“He was an evil man, who only thought of himself. I was his property; he didn’t see me as anything more… He could have killed you and tortured me some more… So, no, I am not angry that you took his life… What I’m trying to say here, or explain, in very confusing way,” Marko chuckled nervously without any joy behind it. “Is why I might get anxious, scared or jumpy around you. Now, as we sit here, I don’t feel any fear towards you though.”

“Okay, okay,” Nai nodded and smiled. “It’s good that you’re not scared, now…”

“Staying silent isn’t going to do us any good, so I am forcing myself to talk about this… I want us to work things out together,” Marko gave Nai a hesitant smile. “No lover has ever been as gentle to me as you have been. You can not be evil.”

“That’s the nicest compliment I have ever received,” Nai said feeling more relaxed now. “I guess we’ve both fucked up at some point, but we can always put things back together.” Marko smiled at this.

“I like that, putting things back together,” he said and nodded; somehow it sounded comforting.

“Yeah, it’s a good plan,” Nai nodded and glanced at the time; it was almost 1pm. “Would you like some lunch?” Marko still didn’t feel much of an appetite, but his sense told him he should eat.

“I guess I can’t get better if I don’t eat?” He said smiling weakly. Nai shook his head and got up.

“No, can’t get better, only sicker. Come on,” he said and Marko smiled nodding before getting up as well.

**^^**^^**

Nai sighed resting on his temporary bed in the living room and stared at the ceiling in the darkness. Though the couch was comfortable to lie on, he still couldn’t sleep well. After the conversation their relationship had returned somehow dormant and friendly, but it didn’t feel like enough, something was missing. It wasn’t only because of the lack of sex, in fact it wasn’t about that at all, he knew that a physical contact that intimate was the last thing that Marko needed now. What the watcher missed was the simple closeness, spontaneous touching, hugging and caressing. He didn’t want to put any pressure on Marko though; he was scared to hurt the youth who still seemed so fragile.

Marko sighed after waking up from another nightmare; he found no comfort from the cold pillow beside him. This was still a strange place, a strange house and Nai was only one he had here and... he missed him... He felt uncertain of himself, but he knew he cared for Nai, despite everything that had happened Nai could still make him feel safe...He had made him happy before and Marko wanted that felling back. He got up slowly, took his pillow and left the room, creeping towards the living room. "Nai?" He whispered wondering if the other was a sleep.

"Yes?" Watcher rubbed his face getting up. He knew Marko had troubled sleeping. "Another nightmare? Want me to get you something?" Marko walked closer.

 "I'm..." He started and then closed the distance to snuggle close to Nai's chest, not looking at his face. "I miss you..."

Nai blinked confused, he didn't know what to do at first "Marko... you will get cold." He whispered carefully placing his hand or youth's shoulder, shyly not to smother him. "I... missed you too."

"Sleep next to me, please?" Marko whispered with small hesitant voice, his fingers curling on Nai's shirt, who bit his lip uncertainly.

 "Are you sure?" he asked wanting to do just that, curl next to Marko, hold him close and be there when he’d have another nightmare.

 Marko nodded and looked up. "It's cold without you and I'm scared when I wake..." He explained. Smiling Nai nodded.

 "Alright, then I'll sleep next to you." shyly he leaned to kiss the youth's temple, keeping it coy and innocent.

It felt good this way, comforting and safe, Marko smiled slightly, he took Nai's hand looked at him and lead him towards the bedroom.

 Being lead like this, like small kid by Marko, it felt nice, great in fact. Obediently he followed taking his pillow with him.

Marko lay down on the bed, scooted close to the wall and looked up at Nai. "Here's a spot for you..." He said shyly tapping the place next to him.

"You always like the wall." Nai pointed out grinning. He placed his pillow next to Marko's and climbed the bed. "Makes me wonder, if you're afraid of falling?”

Marko smiled. "A little, I guess" He grinned. "I once did..." He added.... "Closer to the wall I feel safer." He explained.

"Gabe always made sure I don't fall." He whispered closing his eyes for brief moment, remembering. "He was my guardian."

 Marko reached for his hand. "Scoot closer..." He requested. "I don't want you to fall either..."

"I..." Nai looked at Marko curious. "I don't want you to get scared."

Marko looked at Nai's face for a moment, studying his features. "You won't hurt me..." He whispered feeling oddly certain of it. "You listen."

Nai was truly stunned by the statement, it touch him to his very core. "Thank you." whispering he moved loser, closing his fingers around Marko's hand. Marko curled his fingers around Nai's hand as well.

 "I- I'm trying to handle... what he did... knowing what happened to my relatives... somehow... it helps a little..." He explained his eyes now closed. "Like... knowing... how those around them took it... knowing... it's possible to survive too... but still... I am a bit frightened... a bit... unsure of myself..."

"Why unsure? You’re a strong person." Nai knew that talking was good.

Marko sighed and opened his eyes slightly but looked down rather than Nai's face. "Like... Unsure of my own person... like my mistakes... leading to what happened... provoking? Tempting fate? If it makes me disgusting? or weak? Or wrong? If I'm allowed to want? What am I suppose to be now? I ...I don't know how I should be now..."

"Marko, listen to me..." He took boy's hand in his then carefully brought to scars on his neck. “See those? Those are mistakes I made, tempting fate. If I hadn’t been careless and stubborn this wouldn't have happened, my family would be alive. But I wasn't, and now I am here, with you."

Marko gave him a sad look. "I guess we've both done mistakes..." He whispered then. "Two broken pieces? Maybe they fit and make something whole together?" He wondered gently caressing the scars with his fingertips.

"Everyone makes mistakes, there's no escape and 'ifs'." the touch on his marred skin felt foreign but not unpleasant. "Like I said, lets put things back together."

"I want to... I was unhappy for so long until I met you..." He confessed. "I was happy as a child, then it went wrong and then you came and it felt good again..."What Marko said made Nai feel warm again, it lit that nice feeling in his chest.

"So, I made you happy?" He grinned.

Marko smiled looking at him. "Yes, I didn't have to pretend anymore." He told him. "I can be honest... and... I just... I want it back what we shared..."

"Okay then." He nodded bringing Marko's hand to his lips to plant soft kiss on top of Marko's palm "I want you to be happy again."

"Same goes to you.... I hope... hope I could make someone happy… I hope I can make you happy." He said shyly.

"You have no idea how having you next to me makes me happy." Watcher confessed quietly "you're essential to me."

Marko smiled and squeezed his hand. "I think I'll sleep better tonight." He told him.

"That’s good," Nai leaned closer and kissed boy's temple again. "Good night Marko."

"Good night Nai..." Marko whispered back to him, not letting go of his hand, slowly closing his eyes and drifting off to sleep, for the first time since, he didn’t have any nightmares.

TBC.

Web published: June 29th, 2009.

My Secret Shore

© KOLGRIM/VINYA

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