Chapter 2

Marko wasn’t sure of the last time that he had slept so soundly though the night, at the morning when he woke something felt different and it confused him, however the smell was familiar and calming, smell of his grandmother… but it was now mixed with something else, something pleasant yet different, and only then did he pay attention to the sound of someone else’s breathing next to him. Marko turned to lay on his side, looking at the man beside him, the strange man he had brought home with him, for awhile he had thought that it had been a dream.

The man was pretty, different looking than the ones he usually woke up with, though everything about him seemed different. Marko moved closer, seeking more warmth, his hand reached for the strangers hair, gently stroking it, playing with the long locks, somehow this calmed him and he close his eyes, didn’t say anything, wanting to hold the sudden image he had; what it would feel like if he had someone who actually cared.

Nai had only pretended to be asleep, he had been awake for a long time, but he hadn’t wanted to move. He had promised to stay and he always kept his promises. When the boys hand touched his hair, he couldn’t help but to moan, his eyelids fluttered, good hand gripped the sheets. The boy was so close and he felt afraid because it actually didn’t bother him like in normally should have.

Marko smiled to himself, his hand continued the gentle stroking, He moved his head up slightly, rested it gently on the man’s chest, to listen the heartbeat, but it was a mistake, as soon as he had done so; the stranger hissed in pain, gasping for air,

“God!” Nai felt like dozen of knifes would have been stabbing his side.

Marko pulled back quickly,

“I’m sorry,” He hurried to say, unsure what he had done wrong, he had tried to be careful, “I’m sorry,” he repeated looking helplessly at the other man; somehow he always managed to screw up, he worried his lower lip, “sorry,” he muttered again, holding the blanket close to his body.

Nai stared at the ceiling, trying to calm down and ignore the pain.

“Okay,” he reached for the blonds’ hand, “just bruises, it will pass.” His shirt was now open and the morning light made the bruises quite visible, “just bruises,” he repeated looking at the boy who nodded carefully.

“I didn’t mean to…I’m sorry.” He repeated looking at the bruises that looked quite bad to him, “do you need something?”

Nai sighed, lying still, pain fading.

“Morning,”

Marko blinked in slight confusion.

“Did you sleep ok?” He asked, laying back down, but keeping the distance.

"Ok? I wouldn't call it ok. it was much better than ok. And you?" Nai reached to touch his face; his temples, brows, eyelids and cheeks; his skin was so smooth and it still amazed Nai how person could be so unmarred.

"I slept better than in months..." Marko whispered, enjoying these simple touches that the man gave him.

"I frighten you last night in this club. I'm sorry" Nai moved his hand to play with his hair, to return the affection "I really am. I won't hurt you, you've been hurt enough" just like he himself had been, but he didn’t say it out loud.

This tenderness felt confusing to Marko.

 "It's been awhile since someone touched me likes this..." He whispered and suddenly he felt sad, he knew that the man would leave soon and he would never see him again, would he? If the man would hurt him, use him, somehow it would be easier to deal with. Now he just felt confused; receiving tenderness and yet at the same time knowing that it would be taken away soon, when Nai would leave.

The mood changed, and Nai could see him withdrawing,

“You’re disappearing,” he whispered, somehow angry.

Marko looked in his eyes,

“No I’m not,” he whispered, slowly moving back closer, “I’m still here,” he assured, touching his hair softly.

Nai laid down on his belly, face hidden against the pillow, “you want something from me, do you?” his whisper muffled.

Marko blushed slightly and drew his hand back once more.

“I don’t know, I don’t want to be alone.” He whispered, lying on his side, hands close to his chest.

Nai couldn’t see him, but he sensed his discomfort, so he blindly reached for his hand.

"People always want me cause of my look."

Marko was quiet for a moment,

“I know how it is… with most… it’s always about sex… I know I’m not very smart… But I like when I have someone to talk to….”

"Sorry, I'm no good in comforting people, maybe cause I'm too selfish" Nai held onto him, entwining his fingers with his "and me? Was it about sex too?"

 "I'm sorry... I'm just... not good at this... I don't know how else to be... I don't think I've ever been on a bed with someone, a man, and not had sex..." He explained after closing his eyes, it felt easier to talk when he didn't see the other person, at least when talking about something like this.

"Do you regret? Taking me with you?" Nai moved his head, eyes slightly open watching him. The boy looked so lost and hurt, but he had to know if he wanted him to stay.

 "No, I don't regret it." Marko told him, opening his eyes a little. "I like having company... it's the loneliness I hate..." then he close his eyes back.

"Company" Nai repeated after him, touching his face once again. He was more and more comfortable with it "a little longer." He didn't know if Marko would understand if he said it out loud; he might have looked weak and he hated being weak.

"I should go and buy something to eat, but I'm not ready to leave the bed..." Marko whispered, "and it's cold out, it's warm here..." Marko opened his eyes again. "You didn't have a place to go?"

"A hotel, I was about to stay in hotel last night but things change..." Nai smiled "you have snow."

"Hm...Snow...yes..." Marko smiled lazily, "I prefer summer..." He looked at the other more closely. "Why did you decide to go with me?"

"I was tired and you looked harmless," Nai answered plainly and honesty "you still do."

Marko gave him a tired grin,

“I am harmless,” he nodded, and once again his eyes slowly closed.

Nai sat up on the bed, feeling the sunlight caress his back and he looked at the blond youth carefully. When his eyes were close he couldn’t see what he really thought.

"Last night it was about sex, and now?"

“I don’t like being alone.” Marko answered opening his eyes, drifting his gaze towards the window; clear, sunny winter day, he knew it would be freezing outside. "It's not really about sex... I keep expecting that the men I meet want it….You don’t want it and I’m just happy that I have someone to talk to.”

Nai nodded understanding and he felt happy with Marko’s answer. Gently, not to hurt his ribs, he stretched like a cat, yawning. Shirt still open, showing bruises, but he didn’t feel ashamed anymore.

Marko sat up as well, slowly and yawning.

"I think I'll go out and get us breakfast... there's a shop near by..." He stood up, picked his shirt from the floor and dressed it back on. "You can stay, you're still hurt... I could help you..."

"Help?” Nai sat with his legs cross, trying to comb through his long hair with fingers. He hadn’t been able to do it properly for 2 days since his hand was useless.

"Yes, help, your hand looks like it hurts and... if you like... you can stay here, as long as you need to... grandma always thought we should help other people when they need it." Marko gave him a small smile.

"Your grandma is great person." Nai looked around the room, now it was bright and he saw pictures "I don't want o be a bother though. I'm fine..."

"You're no bother..." Marko smiled at him again. "But now, I really am hungry, I go get something to eat, I won't be long, make yourself at home." He said before leaving the room.

Nai wanted to go with him, but maybe Marko needed some time to think,

“Can I use the bathroom?” He asked getting up.

"Yes of course you can, if you want to shower, the towels are over there," Marko pointed at one closet in the hall, while putting on his shoes and then jacket. "What would you like to eat?"

"Pears," Nai said, standing at the doorway, following the kids every movement.

"I should have remembered the pears," Marko smirked checking himself from the mirror before he would leave; he realised that he was quite obsessed with how he looked, but he didn’t think he had anything to offer besides his looks….

"15 minutes," He promised, opening the front door, giving one last smile to his odd guest before leaving.

The door was shut and he was alone; strange… Nai grabbed a towel from the closet before entering the bathroom. He showered in record time and after, he was looking in the mirror; he was looking more pale than usual. He touched his cheek where the boy had kissed him last night and then his collar; happy of the fact that the boy hadn’t asked about it. He then drifted his gaze lower down on his body; his chest and belly, it made him shrink, not because of pain but of disgust. He was new and young and there would be more bruises like this, and more wounds and later scars like the one on his hand. There were few nice and big ones on his back and hipbone too.  He stared at his hands that were resting against the sink, bandage was gone. He wasn’t sure how long he was standing like this; half naked only with towel around his waist, lost in his own thoughts.

Marko couldn’t find any fresh pears from the small shop, so he hoped that his guest would be satisfied with products that had some pear in them; pear juice, pear yoghurt, canned pears… He also bought some bread, milk, cheese and noodles.

He walked back to the apartment, shivering from cold as he entered the hall; he lowered the shopping bag onto the floor, kicked his shoes off and undressed his jacket.

“I’m back and I got food: pears!” Marko called, took the bag and looked around. “Nai?” He asked, but didn’t see his guest so he carefully knocked onto the bathroom door, figuring he might still be there. “Are you here?”

Nai could hear him, but he couldn’t find the strength to answer, too focused on his injured hand.

Marko was getting little worried, so he tried the door to see if it was locked, which it wasn’t. When he opened it, he saw Nai, standing in front of the sink, looking down at his hand.

“Hey, are you alright?”

"I'm never alright, not even in sleep, but it's ok," Nai whispered.

“Um… should we change the bandage?” Marko asked insecurely, walking closer, looking at him; his face looked so serious and pale.

Nai raised his head to look at him, his brows narrow, he looked at the boy if seeing him for the first time; now blush from cold.

“Collar, I need it" it was off and Nai felt vulnerable, completely naked even with towel.

"Collar? um... where is it?" Marko asked, seeing the bruises on Nai more clearly now. He couldn't help but to wonder what caused all of them; all the cuts and bruises, fading scars.

"Floor" Nai pushed him off his way, kneeling on the floor, next to the pile of clothes, looking franticly. Finally his fingers rested on cold iron buckle...

"Why is it so important, the collar?" Marko asked.

"You wouldn't understand..." Nai was trying to put it on, but with his wounded hand it was too difficult.

“Let me help you.” Marko kneeled down and touched his shoulder gently.

His hands felt cold, but Nai didn’t care, all it mattered to him now was to put the collar on, his hand was shaking when he handed him the most important thing that kept him sane.

Marko took it, looked at it for a moment, before gently placing it around Nai’s neck and clicking it close. “It suits on you,” he smiled. "I've been thinking of getting my belly pierced." He started then, wanting Nai to start talking with him again, it didn’t need to be anything important, "I think I go get it done next week."

Nai’s eyelids close, he threw his head back and sighed relaxing. He was safe, the boy was safe.

“Shut up.” He leaned against his chest, the coldness of his body calming him down.

“Okay…but… I’m hungry.” Marko whispered, feeling slightly offended; his guest didn’t want him to talk, nor did he want sex with him, what else was there? “I need coffee.” He decided to add.

“Go,” Nai moved away reluctantly, taking his clothes and slowly dressing up. The boy gave him a confused look, tilting his head. “Just go.”

Marko stood up.

“Um… everything okay? Do you want coffee?” He asked, insecure, had he done something wrong again?

Nai only nodded, waving to hurry him out, it was moments like this when he wanted to be alone and at the same time desperately with someone, but he doubted that Marko wouldn’t understand, those like him, ones with collar, they were different; strange.

Marko close the bathroom door after him, he should have just kept his mouth shut, right? He should learn to be quiet and not blurt out silly things like… talking about belly piercing he wanted to have and he really did want to have it.

He unpacked the groceries and then prepared some coffee, enough for them both in case his strange guest would end up wanting it. With the coffee cup in his hand, he walked to the window and looked out, wondering again if it had been wise to invite the man in his grandmother’s home.

Nai took a deep breath, ignoring the pain. He had learned to master it, just like he had with fear. Slowly, he walked into the kitchen, trying to put a mask of indifference on his face, but it didn’t work.

"There's coffee, or pear juice and canned pears." Marko said glancing at him, noticing that he looked a bit odd, but on the other hand; had the man ever looked normal in this brief time that they had spend time together?

Nai took the juice from the fridge and poured him a glass of it, emptying it with one gulp, leaning against the wall.

"Where is the lady who lives here?" He asked looking at him.

"She's at the hospital," Marko turned to him holding his coffee cup between his hands. "Well nursery home really, because there are more days when she thinks that it's the war time, that she's a little girl or a young woman in the 50's... I don't think she'll be coming home anymore." He smiled sadly.

"Do you visit her?" Nai put his glass down, moving towards him, but looking out of the window as well.

"Yes, as often as I can..." Marko nodded, "she often mistakes me to her older brother, that's odd, I never quite know how to act, but I try my best to act along with it." He answered and started playing with his old, golden necklace. He realised then that he was doing it again and looked down.

"This was his anyways, grandma gave it to me when my mom left, and he gave it to her when he..." He took a pause, "I just really wish, that she'd get better, but I know she won't."

"She will" Nai whispered so quietly that Marko couldn't hear it, even being so close. He then looked at the gross necklace; it was beautiful, old fashion work. "He died?" He asked louder.

"Yes, he did..."  Marko answered quietly and walked over to get himself more coffee. “Pears?”

"No, thank you. This is enough for now," Nai said looking at the refilled glass of juice smiling "you don't work today? I don't want to to lose job cause of me, I'm not worth it."

 "I don't work," Marko shook his head, feeling a bit shameful about it. "I- uh... you'd despise me if you knew that I..." Marko’s voice trailed off. "You wouldn't like it." He said then.

"You don't know what I would like" Nai said, watching him preparing breakfast.

Marko glanced at him nervously. "I'm not proud of it... "He started, pouring some juice for himself, "...I've been with men who have money, in relationships where... I get clothes and stuff... they get... the other thing and... I just... it's been easy... easy way of living, though it makes me... I am a slut … I know." Marko blushed, nervously arranging the things on the counter; it had been too much information! He truly was an idiot; why couldn’t he just keep his mouth shut?

"So um would you like to watch some TV or something?"

"TV, or something?" Nai smiled "I haven't watched TV for years." He allowed the change of topic; it was obviously uncomfortable for the kid.

"So it might be cool then," Marko smiled, "we could watch some silly comedy, grandma loves those she has some DVD's, we could have a picnic on the floor, watch TV, just be lazy all day,  how about it?" He even sounded slightly excited and Nai was stunned; he really meant it and Nai wasn’t so used to ‘normal’ life that he wasn’t sure how to react. “O-okay…” He nodded, swallowing.

“You’ll have fun! I promise!” Marko nodded, smiling brightly, he walked over and took Nai’s hand. “Come, come; to the living room, lets make a little nest for us on the couch.” He led the man into the room hopping the he wasn’t freaking him out with his sudden change of behaviour.  “Wait here, I go get our breakfast.” He said then, going back to the kitchen.

Nai glanced towards the other room, then waited like he was asked to do, he looked at the pictures again, brought his hands on his hips; he had forgotten about the bandage, but he didn’t want it to heal too quickly.

Marko placed the breakfast on the tray that he had used the previous night for tea, then he walked back to the living room. “Please sit down, I go get some blankets.” He said when lowering the tray down on the table.

“Blankets?” Nai looked at him for a moment.

"Yes, for our nest," Marko grinned at him.

 "All right" Nai nodded looking back at the pictures.

Marko walked quickly into the bedroom to get them both blankets, then he returned to Nai, placing the said items onto the couch. He looked at Nai then and walked closer to him.

“That picture,” he pointed at one black and white picture on the wall, “it’s taken in 1939, that’s my grandma and her family, her little brother; the baby the woman is holding, and the older boy is her brother who got lost and died. Her parents died too, my great grandparents.” Marko explained, “See, there’s my necklace.” He pointed at the boy in the picture who wore the jewel that now hung around his neck.

“Beautiful kid, he looks like you.” Nai noticed.

“Yes, so my grandmother says, she says that I even have his eyes…” Marko smiled looking at Nai, “I think it’s spooky.”

”No it's not... maybe now she thinks he's back when she looks at you... cause eyes are windows of soul."

"Hm... maybe..." Marko answered slowly, looking at the picture, "I bet he wasn't a slut though," he frowned in deep thought, then he grinned and shook his head, "so, movie then?"

"Yes, movie" Nai moved to the couch combing his hair with fingers; his hair tangled and wet. The only thing he could do was to braid them since he had nothing to tie them with. he left few strands falling on his face. “What does she have?”

Marko moved to the bookshelf where the old videotapes and DVD’s were,

“hm… Marilyn Monroe movie? You know, the one where two guys running from mafia dress up as women and one of them falls in love with Marilyn’s character and the other with another dude in the end?” Marko asked, “it my grandmothers and mine favourite.”

“With ‘no one’s perfect’ line?” Nai recalled but not quite, “and I know who Monroe is, I’m not that young.” He smirked, “Marilyn will do.”

“You know I used to mix up her and Madonna, as I child I thought that it was Madonna who had died.” Marko snickered, “her fault though; she made herself look like her. Anyway grandmother soon told me the truth of things.”

Nai looked at him smiling, he liked to listen the boys voice and looking at his face. Marko set the videotape into the player, turned on the TV and walked to the sofa, to arrange the covers. He took the tray and sat down, “here’s a spot for you,” he tapped the place next to him, “and I’ve got pears.”

Nai couldn’t help but to laugh,

“I’m not a dog you know.” He said sitting down.

“I know,” Marko replied and stick his tongue at him, then he took a piece of pear and brought it close to Nai’s lips “come on… you know you want to…” he purred.

Nai blinked and blushed slightly; he just hadn’t expected this, but slowly he parted his lips.

Marko slipped the piece of fruit into Nai’s mouth, thinking he looked cute and… well… that mouth was kind of inviting…

Nai licked the sweetness from his lips savouring the taste of fruit, his eyes were fixed on Marko’s hand; his fingers were so close to his mouth.

Marko looked in Nai’s eyes grinning innocently before he brought his fingers to his own lips to lick the remaining juice from them. “Mm… pears are good…”

Nai’s eyes followed the movement to his lips and then he looked in his eyes,

“I know, I love them…”

Marko smiled, looking back at the tray,

“Bread?” He asked from his companion gesturing towards the sandwiches.

“No, this is enough for now… but you eat, you’re hungry aren’t you?” He smiled, resting against the couch.

Marko nodded, took a sandwich before lowering the tray down onto the floor. He snuggled in his little nest of blankets and started nibbling at it, watching to the screen where the movie had already started.

Nai was pretending to watch the movie, his head lightly turned, but his eyes were on the boy next to him. He had a habit of watching other people, to make sure that they weren’t a threat… In some ways Marko was, he couldn’t predict his actions and it fascinated him, at the beginning he had been so insisting, but now everything had changed.

Marko was swept away with the movie, just like the apartment, the movie as well made him feel safe somehow, it was so familiar and … harmless… at one point he started giggling.

“I love it how he has to hurry to change between men and women’s clothes…” He told Nai, snuggling even deeper in the cocoon that his blanket and the sofa offered. “Do you like it?”

At some point Nai had started to watch the movie and it was indeed nice, funny.

“Yes,” he answered, playing with his hair, “I remember.”

Marko sighed and sneaked closer, he brought his hand on Nai’s neck; slowly stroking the skin there.

“I think this feel nice, do you like it?” He asked.

“Mhm,” Nai did not look at him, “you’re touching me,” he whispered not accusing, he grabbed a blanket and held it under his chin.

“I’m sorry,” Marko said and pulled his hand away, for a moment he had forgotten that the other wanted him to ask first when doing this. He snuggled back to the warm nest, his arms wrapped around his knees, chin resting against them, focusing back to the movie, smiling to the jokes made in it.

"It's ok..." Nai looked at him, the way the boy was sitting and it reminded him of something and soon he was laughing out loud, tears falling down on his cheeks.

Marko lifted his head up, looked at him with confusion.

“What’s so funny?” He asked, tilting his head.

“You look…” Nai couldn’t stop laughing, “look just like my brother when I caught him…” he wiped the tears off his face, “he was sitting that same way, red like tomato…”

"O-oh? He was... doing dirty things?" Marko asked grinning.

"yeah, watching porn when parents were not at home." Nai grinned back "I was... 12 than he was 16 so hormones were wild. I was blackmailing him for this for half a year"

"I wish I had siblings, I've always envied people that have." Marko sighed, "no one to blackmail or play with or...yeah..." he gave another look at Nai, smiling now, "it must have been embarrassing for him."

"Indeed." Nai sighed "siblings are good, not always but most of the time they are good..."

"Yeah..." Marko nodded, looking back towards the screen. "How long have you been here? Did I ask this yet?"

"Here?" Nai asked, not understanding.

"I mean in this country?" Marko smiled, "I'm... where do you come from? Where are you going?"

"I was born in Italy but now I live in Japan." Nai close his eyes, remembering things that had long ago passed.

"I see... I wish I could travel, see places, learn things," Marko sighed, "I wish I had the money to do so."

"It’s because of work I move around, I would actually like to stay in one place.” Nai told him while staring at the ceiling.

“Why won’t you tell me what this work is?”

"It's not a real work really, it's something that allows me to keep living.." he placed his hand on his wounded ribs "...breathing"

"I'm still curious you know..." Marko sighed and turned his face towards him, "do you have someone?"

Nai’s expression changed to broken and sad,

“No,” he replied, playing with his collar, making sure that it was still there.

“I’m…” Marko started, but wasn’t sure what it had been that he wanted to say, “you look so sad.” He noted.

"I am and I'm not, but I know I'm angry." The movie was over; end credits appeared on the screen, they were fascinating him...

"What makes you angry?" Marko asked still studying him.

"People who like to put me aside, telling me that I have to wait my turn" He reached for another pear, looking at it for a moment before tasting.

Marko frowned; it was difficult to understand his strange guest at times.

“I’m sorry, I don’t understand?” He told him honestly.

“Me neither, am I not good?” He looked at him with his eyes sharp, angry and confused.

"Um, you are good... I just... who are these people? What do they tell you to wait?" Marko tilted his head as he looked at him.

"Not people, a person... his family wants a fucking heir and I don't have required... equipment... so he told me to wait till his offspring appear." Nai made a face.

"So the guy you... love? Told you to wait?" Marko asked.

"Yeah... he's on fucking honeymoon!" Nai got up breathing hard, pissed off.

 "I'm sorry..." Marko whispered, looking at him carefully "is he worth it then?"

"It's more complicated, I'm with him not because I love him... I've made a promise..." Nai looked back at him "it's just..." he chewed his lip, pacing in the room.

"Promise to him? Or to whom?" Marko followed his movements with his eyes, "but you do love him?"

“Promise to myself, I’ve made It to kill the guilt and keep being alive.” He looked at the blond and calmed down. “I don’t love, I care.”

Marko nodded.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been in love… I’ve had this major crushes, but I always screw it up, the guy I cared for the most, he’s so different, I know he could never like me.” He shrugged his shoulders, “I don’t think I’m very lovable, so…”

Nai walked to him, standing above, leaning closer his leg between his, palms  against back of the couch, at the sides of his head, “so...”

Marko looked up to him, blinking; the man was gorgeous he found himself thinking again. “So?” He repeated quietly.

"so... we slept in one bed... you saw me naked... and we haven't kissed yet, this cheek stuff doesn’t really count..." Nai watched him closer; all the details of his young face, he was beautiful. "so..." He just wanted to change the subject, all these questions crushed him, it felt like interrogation, it was annoying him.

“You… want to kiss?” Marko asked, looking hesitantly at him; between his eyes and lips.

Nai nodded, hands resting now on Marko’s shoulders, he slide down and kneeled on the floor in front of him, for a moment he looked at his face, the boy licked his lips and brought his hand on his cheek, other lowering on his shoulder, he leaned forward, his lips brushing against his, gentle and soft, nibbling, urging him to respond.

But Nai wasn’t into ‘sweet’ kissing, all his life he had needed to experience everything fully, he grasped the blonds’ hair forcefully with his left hand, deepening the kiss, his eyes still wide open.

Marko responded to the force that was given, he was used to more forceful kisses so it didn’t really surprise him to receive one now, still this one was different too, different in away that he enjoyed. Marko moved his hand from Nai’s cheek to his hair, eyes close, ready to explore Nai’s warm mouth with his tongue… He tasted like pears and it left Marko wanting more, not wanting to stop.

Nai’s right hand sneaked around Marko’s waist and he dragged him onto the floor along with the blankets, his eyes remained open all this time.

Marko opened his eyes in surprise when finding himself on the floor, he looked into Nai’s eyes now, laying beneath him, Nai on his side only partly on top of him,

“I’m not hurting you?” Nai asked his face still very close to his.

“Mm…not hurting…”  Marko whispered, before another kiss was shared. What had happened that morning left him careful, he wanted to touch Nai, but was afraid that the touch might hurt him like it had before, but Nai on the other hand desired more contact and lowered down more, his hand sneaked under the boys shirt, his skin felt so hot, warm, smooth… His breathing was getting heavier. Marko hand was in his hair now and it made him moan loudly.

Marko enjoyed the contact that he hadn’t expected to happen, his right hand still continued to play with the man’s long hair as his left gently caressed his side.

“Why…” Nai moved his lips to the boys warm cheek, gentle now, his mood shifted so rapidly, “why am I doing this…?”

Marko blinked, the movements of his hands slowing down.

“Um… because it feels good?” he offered with a small innocent looking smile.

“Hm… you’re right,” Nai laid down next to him on the floor, on his back, “what do you want from me?”

Marko turned to lay on his side, looking at him, feeling even more confused now.

“Um…” Usually at this point men would have stopped asking questions and just act, “I want… you

to touch me,” he whispered almost feeling embarrassed, hiding his face against his neck.

Nai caressed his face and hair not like lover, but like mother would.

“I’m sorry.”

Marko pulled back, sitting up, it might have been the first time that he was…rejected this way, the man didn’t want him after all and it was somewhat confusing. “Um, okay.” He just felt silly now.

Nai glanced at him, not knowing how to start, “it’s wrong like this… I.. not my way… I’m not…”he covered his face with his right hand, “I’m sorry…I’ve never… so sorry…” he peaked again at the boy, “don’t hate me.”

Marko smiled, he smiled because he didn’t know how else to hide his confused thoughts.

“Of course I don’t hate you.” He told him, and it was true, he brushed the stranger’s hair softly just to assure him of this. What ever little fantasies he had had, for a moment, of finding someone who’d treat him nice and as equal, not as an object, broke inside, there was nothing more than friendship here, was there?

“I go get some more coffee, would you like?” He asked while slowly intending to get up, he still smiled at the man, softly now.

“You don’t understand!” Nai was almost screaming, “I’m scared…” he added forcing the boy onto the floor once more. “I kissed you because I wanted you to shut up, I was angry.” Nai straddled his hips. "Didn't want to hurt you and I still don't but I wanted you to stop, stop asking." The boy knew too much and Nai was really afraid "you're scaring me."

Right now Nai was also scaring him, because he didn’t understand. It certainly wasn’t the first time that a guy would want him to just shut up, but it was different.

"I don't want to scare you..." he whispered, ”I-I won’t ask…” he promised.

"I asked you what do you want from me cause people always want something from me, they never ask what I want... you either... it hurts."

Marko stared at the other man and then at the ceiling, this must have been one of the oddest situations in his life. He sighed,

“I’m sorry, I’m not very good at this… men don’t usually ask what I want either, I don’t usually have to ask them because I know and… I’m not very bright… I’m sorry…”He chewed on his lower lip, “what do you want?” He asked softly.

"I don't want to be used... I'm sorry" Nai got up, moving away, standing with his back to him "and this place, this room, it felt like blasphemy... this place is full of memories so clean and I'm so dirty, wounded, broken..." He looked at the only picture of his grandmother’s lost brother "I'm feeling like I'm dirtying this place, I'm not innocent... "

Marko got up as well, he felt exhausted suddenly, mentally, physically and he looked at the picture that Nai was looking at.

“It’s not like I’m innocent either.” He sighed, sitting down on the sofa, “I despise myself to be honest… I wish they didn’t keep telling me how I look like him, how similar our eyes are, I know I’m nothing like what he was. He was much more pure, more innocent and braver than I could ever be.”

“You don’t know my blame.” Nai looked at him, his face the same cold, emotionless mask as it was when he ‘worked’, but his eyes were burning and this fire always meant death,

The look in his eyes was scaring Marko, the man seemed angry…. angry at him? Something he had said? His instinct told him to seek more distance now. Just then his cell phone started ringing somewhere and he felt almost happy of the interruption.

“I get that…” he muttered, quickly walking past him, into the kitchen, while wondering if he had made a mistake when inviting the man in after all.

Nai realised that he had made a mistake, the childish side of him had taken control, side that wanted something and would take it by force, using fear. Deep inside he felt angry that the blond had gone to pick up the phone. He followed him to the kitchen, playing with his rosary, the only weapon he had with him.

Marko was sitting down, talking with his ex who wanted to meet, talk things through and settle them. Feeling guilty of the fact that he had left the man through phone, Marko agreed to meet him that same evening, he wanted to get it over with as soon as possible.

"Something's wrong?" Nai asked when Marko had finished the call, looking rather serious.

Marko glanced at him and forced himself to smile.

“Nothing’s wrong, just… I agreed to meet someone in two hours; I guess I could bring some dinner on my way back.” He said and got up.

Nai nodded and moved closer, behind him, his hand sneaked around his waist, his cheek against his shoulder.

“Where are you going?”

Marko felt surprised, hadn’t the man just rejected him? And now he was touching him like this... confusing, definitely confusing.

“Not far…” He answered with low voice, unsure if he should do something to respond better to the sudden closeness. "There's this club, not far, we meet close to it, and next to it is this really good Chinese restaurant, I could get something from there?"

"Mhm... I'm sorry..." Nai whispered before biting onto the boy’s shoulder, breaking the skin, marking him, making Marko hiss slightly, than Nai kissed the same spot, smoothing, silently asking   for forgiveness for his childish behaviour.

Marko turned his face towards him,

“it’s okay…” he whispered, lifting his hand to softly touch his cheek before turning fully to face him, Nai gave his a soft kiss on his lips.

"Chinese will do, they don't have pears but I'll survive,” he grinned, taking Marko’s hand, and nuzzling his face against his palm.

“You don’t have any allergies to nuts, do you?... Um I mean nothing kinky with it.” Marko grinned, staying close, feeling comfortable again.

"Wha...? No, I don't" Nai chuckled into his hand and soon turned serious again "you're hand are so clean" he kissed his wrist gently "not like mine... thank you."

Marko tilted his head, watching him closely,

“You’re so strange,” he said softly, smiling gently, “but… I think I like you that way.”

Nai smiled back at him, but didn’t respond.

“Hm, what would you like to eat, besides pears?”

“You choose I’ll eat what ever you bring, just be back… soon,” his voice was getting low, “it will be dark soon, darkness is dangerous.” He told him, kissing his hand one last time before letting him go.

“It’s always dark in winter, well, most of the time, I’m used to it, don’t worry.” Marko smiled, “I go and get a shower now.” He said before walking towards the bathroom.

**^^**^^**^^**

“Nai, I’m leaving!” Marko called from the hall two hours later, dressing his outdoor clothes on. ”I shouldn't take too long."

Nai entered the hall and watched him dressing, Marko looked good, really good, and he always did. He moved forward and kissed his forehead.

“See you soon, just feel like home.” Marko grinned before stepping out and closing the door behind him.

It was already dark outside, snow making the sky purple more than dark blue. Snow was falling softly and it wasn’t as cold as it had been that morning. As Marko walked, he thought of his strange visitor; what did the man want of him if not sex?  First rejection, then tenderness and kisses, soft touches; confusing indeed.

Peter was already waiting for him, the place was somewhat secluded Marko realised then, hesitating his steps forward, hesitantly he looked back from where he had just come from, then the tall buildings, hearing the music that came from the club near by, and yet outside in this place there was hardly no one, just one idle drunk sitting on the snow, beside the building, caressing the bottle in his hands tenderly; as if it was the most precious thing he had ever held.

The man was smiling, looking at him and smiling but made no motion forward, keeping close to his car,

“Hey Marko,” he spoke, tilting his head, waiting and Marko took few more steps towards him, close enough so they could talk. “You look good.” The man complimented and it was accepted only by a brief passing smile.

“This is an odd place to talk.” Marko pointed out, watching warily at him. “We could have gone somewhere to have coffee, sit down, keep warm, why here?”

“I do not discuss these matters in some noisy coffee house; my car will do just fine.” He smiled and opened the door to the backseat.  Marko shook his head.

“I’d rather discuss here then.” He told him, folding his arms over his chest. The man chuckled.

“Oh my, surely you’re not afraid of me kitten?” He asked, leaving the door open, taking few steps closer.

“Don’t call me that.” Marko frowned, not feeling comfortable with his approach.

“Come now, I ain’t going to harm you…. Come into the car Marko.”  The voice was soft, but his eyes… Marko didn’t like the way he was looking at him.

“No, I don’t want to. What ever you want to tell me you can say it here, I’m not going to change my mind, I meant it when I said it was over.”

Marko saw Pete glancing over his shoulder and making a hand gesture, when he turned his head he saw that the drunk, or who he had though as such, got up, smirking at them and that’s when Peter grasped his arm,

“Now listen to me you little bitch, I say when it’s over, not you!” He barked and started dragging him towards the car. Marko screamed and struggled in his hold, which made the man angry and he slapped his face hard. “Shut the fuck up!” and then again for a few times, making him feel disoriented; the pure snow was stained with droplets of redö

He was then pushed against the car, Peter pulling at his clothes, trying to remove them.

“Keep a look out! Tell me if anyone approaches!” He shouted at the other man.

Marko kicked his leg, tried to make a run for it, but he was quickly knocked onto the ground, a hard kick on his side, before he was pulled up and Pete hit him again, Marko could taste the blood in his mouth, he felt dizzy. He realised that he was no match to the man and a wave of nausea and panic swept over him, his cries for help were ignored.

“Don’t want to come into the car with me, huh?” Pete pushed him against the hood of the car, face first, “fine, have it your way then whore! He barked kicking his legs apart.

Marko felt dizzy, coldness assaulted his skin that was bare, Pete had ripped his jacket down, revealing his shoulder, rough finger caressed the injured skin where Nai had bitten him,

“New one already? I always knew what kind of horny little whore you are.”

His voice hardly carried when he tried to call for help, the man only slammed his forehead harder against the hood, making the dizziness spread through his body. He couldn’t believe that this was happening to him…

**^^**^^**

Nai entered the room where they had watched the movie and then almost had sex… Inside he felt empty, disturbed and useless. He needed to do something to keep himself busy so he started to clean this room; he couldn’t stand the mess. After some time he looked at the time and frowned; what was taking him so long?

Web published: August 15th, 2008.

My Secret Shore

© KOLGRIM/VINYA  2008

Strange 03

My Secret Shore HOME