STRANGE
Chapter 1
Marko sat in front of the usual table with a group of guys that some might have called his friends, but they weren’t, not really, sure they hanged out at the clubs together, but that was it really, non of them were the sort of people he might call when he needed a shoulder to lean on to, some of them he had fucked with, some of them wanted to fuck him, some… well, that was all there was in truth.
They were all drunk, disgustingly drunk, someone tried to grope him under the table and Marko wasn’t in the mood. Stiffly he got up, excusing himself to go to the bathroom, he looked around; same old faces, same old idiots and perverse, inside he felt empty and frustrated, frustrated of the life he led, more or less the same, every weekend he would come to this club or the next, listen to the same mindless chit chat and drunken jokes, endure the groping and indecent remarks…
He walked to the bar, lowered his hands down on the counter, taking a few deep breaths. He felt restless, there was a heavy feeling in his chest, like the all the walls were finally collapsing around him and he couldn’t breathe.
He couldn’t focus, he didn’t want to be there and yet he didn’t want to return in the empty apartment either, not yet, not alone.
His restlessness was most likely due to the breaking up with his ex, it hadn’t gone so well, Peter hadn’t taken it so well as he had previously thought. The man wanted him back, not because he loved him, no, Marko wasn’t fool enough to believe that, it was a sex thing, it was all that he had ever really been to Peter; his personal fuck toy. The man was rich and thought that money was enough to buy him anything, for awhile had been fun; all the gifts and new clothes, but the man’s taste in the bedroom had slowly grown to be too much for Marko to take and he had left.
He had thought that returning the most expensive gifts would be enough, that Peter would be satisfied with it, content in finding someone new, but apparently he had been wrong. Peter didn’t want to let him go, and after the breaking up had started feeding him with the lies of love, anything to make him return.
But Marko had had enough; he needed to get out, completely out of the abusive relationship out of the ways and crowds that felt as though they were smothering him. He just wasn’t sure how, all he knew was… there was a dream of someone, someone exciting someone who would give him the strength to break away from the old patterns…. someone to love, someone who’d love him… but it only seemed like an impossible dream.
**^^**^^**
The coldness in the foreign city felt annoying to Nai; he had to cover up his face with a hood, and he could bet that like this he looked like some bad guy, which… he really wasn’t.
It was good that it wasn’t raining, he thought he had forgotten how to use umbrella.
The snow wasn’t any better really; he couldn’t see stars, which made walking aimlessly around like this kind of pointless. Plus it was cold and he needed warmth and noise. And just like that, as if it had been waiting for him all along he noticed a sign board of some club. Loud, unrecognizable noise that should be called crime against art that music is filled his ears, glow of light and warmth sneaking out of the door. Why not? He asked himself and entered.
It had been a long time since he had been to a club different than 7’th Hell, his regular back home, at least there the music was better than here. But it was okay, for a while, he spotted a counter and a battery of alcohol, it made him smile as he approached some empty spot in front of it. He removed his hood and tilted his head looking at the men behind the counter, praying that at least one of them would speak English because Italian or Japanese must have been too much to ask for.
Marko usually didn’t have a chance to stay alone for long in a club such as this, there was always some middle aged pervert thinking that few cheap compliments and a few cheap drinks would earn them a night of sexual services. Annoyed Marko pushed one of such idiots away from him, blindly looking for some aid from the crowd, spotting a stranger among the faces seen too many times, stranger who stood out among them; simply with the way he dressed and the almost indifferent look on his face, trying to get attention from the busy bartenders.
“I think I see my friend,” Marko muttered to the groping idiot by his side and without hesitation made his way towards the stranger who at leas had woken interest in him.
Marko waved to one of the men behind the counter, man that happened to be one of his lays; easily he got his attention. He gently nudged at the strangers side, flashing him a cute smile, muttering an apology.
Nai had closed his eyes to listen to the music and finally decided that it was good all of a sudden he felt someone’s presence. 2 minutes, two fucking minutes and someone approached him. He jumped when he touched him saying something he couldn’t understand, all he knew was that the guy wanted to lose a few teeth, he looked at him but did nothing.
“Haluatko jotain juotavaa? Voin tilata samaan aikaan?” The blond kept talking with this foreign language, smiling still, and Nai allowed himself to take a closer look at him; he was different, it was something in his eyes that stopped him; sparkling green eyes… He couldn’t call it, but it looked familiar. He raised his hand and placed a finger on his lips “Shus, let the song finish,” he hoped that the kid could understand his English; a funny mix of Italian and Japanese.
Marko felt even more curious when realising that the stranger was foreign, but he couldn’t place a finger on where he could be from.
“What will it be Marko?” The bartender, Jani? if Marko remembered correctly came to ask, glancing at the other guy on his side briefly before turning his eyes back on him with a cheesy smile.
The song was over and Marko dared to address the stranger by his side once more, ”What would you like?” He asked, English this time.
Nai was surprised that the kid had respected his request and stayed silent to the end of the song, usually people didn’t do that, at least when they were up to dragging him to bed, maybe he should stop dressing like a whore. “Pear, but I don’t think they serve them with drinks.” He answered.
“Pear?” Marko repeated somewhat amused, the bartender kept looking at them, Marko knew he’d soon grow annoyed with not getting their order and yet he knew this man well enough that he would stay and wait for it, hoping to get another night with him; how silly. “They serve pear ciders at least? If you like sweet that is.”
“Yes sweet and strong,” Nai was amazed that he had started talking with him, “I want to get drunk and hope I remember how.”
Marko grinned and shook his head, “then sweet and strong you hall get,” he replied with slightly suggestive voice turning to the bartender once more, he flirted with the man as he asked him to fix him and his friend some sweet and strong pear drink, it ended up being vodka with some pear liqueur in it. The flirting was worth his while; he managed to get the drinks for free, of course he had to give a vague promise of maybe meeting the man after work, he had no intention of actually doing so, maybe one day he should stop behaving like a whore?
After getting the drinks he gave the other to the odd stranger,
“my treat,” he smiled innocently looking in his beautiful sky blue eyes.
Nai felt like having a déjà vu, like seeing Eric in front of him, flirting and fucking everything that talk, language doesn’t matter, only difference was that Eric would never approach another male. Funny, but Nai didn’t want to push him away, not yet. He smelled the drink before tasting, strange old habit he got a long time ago; it was strong, damn, he should drink more European alcohol, sake is not that strong as everyone think. “Strong indeed.”
“I’m Marko, what’s your name?” The boy asked tilting his head, licking the remains of alcohol from his lips.
“Nai,” he answered, waiting for the typical reaction, the best had been where he lived, where people knew what his name meant.
“Nai,” Marko repeated almost as if tasting the name in his mouth, it reminded him of something familiar but he couldn’t tell what. “You have an unusual name, Nai, I like it.” Marko’s gaze travelled down on his neck where he had spotted something shining; a silver collar; it woke his curiosity, but he didn’t ask.
Nai followed his gaze and froze; he had noticed his collar and it made him blush; now the kid must have though he was some kind of perv. “It’s not what you’re thinking,” he whispered and covered the damn thing with his long hair and the fur of the coat.
Marko looked back in his eyes, blinking,
“But you don’t know what I was thinking,” he grinned, “not everything is as they appear to be, I know.” He added taking a sip of his drink. “How do you like it?” He asked referring to the drink that they both were having.
“Different,” Nai had almost forgotten about it, now he turned the glass and watched how the liquid swayed. “And you’re right, I don’t know, and I’m not sure I want to.” He needed to back off, the kid was too close and it wasn’t warm anymore, it was hot.
"I won't bite you know," Marko said when noticing the other pulling back. "I'm not that bad... quite harmless in fact..."
"But I'm not" He whispered before taking a sip. Music had changed to something less likeable; now it was hurting him and he brought his right hand on his forehead, which unfortunately caused his sleeve to roll down; presenting his two days old blood soaked bandage that covered his palm.
Marko had always been too curious according to his grandmother, his hand rose automatically to touch the bandage but as quickly as he had he realised his mistake and drew his hand back.
“You’re hurt?” He asked, realising soon how silly the question was. “What happened?”
Nai winced at the touch, hadn’t the kid ever heard about private space?
"This parody of music should be forbidden" He commented.
"I don't like it either..." Marko replied after moment of silence, "what kind of music do you like?" He asked trying to go back to normal chit chat the kind people did when first meeting each other.
"Every, music is an art, the best invention of humanity, better than language" Nai looked back, glad he had respected his change of subject. He wondered what the blond would think if he should tell him that the wound was his ticket to few days off.
Marko tilted his head, even more curious about the stranger who already seemed so unlike anyone he had ever met.
"I like music, I like dancing, but some music, such as this is quite obnoxious." He said, noticing that both of them had already emptied their glasses, which made him order two new ones.
"There's a free table... more comfortable for talking, it’s noisy here," He said as he gave the stranger, Nai, he corrected himself, his drink. He pointed at the table, smiled and not waiting for his answer he began to walk toward it, curious if the other would follow him or not.
Nai looked at the glass the blond had given him and then at him walking away. This was crazy he thought when he decided to follow the young man. He was so bold and it both annoyed him and made him curious. Maybe he wouldn’t have followed him, had there not been that certain familiarity in his eyes.
Marko slide down in front of the table and smiled when he saw the other following,
“hm, this pear drink is kind of good,” he noted, licking the taste from his lips. “Why don’t you sit down, Nai?” He suggested then.
Nai looked at the seat then at the blond, finally putting the drink down on the table and sitting down the way he usually did; resting right cheek on bent knee, long hair covering half of his face.
“Where do you come from?” Marko asked, tilting his head, admiring the beauty of the stranger. It seemed like it wouldn’t be easy to get to know him better, he could sense that and usually it wasn’t him who had to do much, other men usually approached him, maybe that’s why he found Nai so interesting now, he was different.
“Far far away,” Nai answered playing with his glass, “why people ask that question? Knowledge where another comes from won’t tell you anything about him. Is it just to keep the conversation when the weather part is over?” He close his eyes tilting his head back and listening to music, once again more bearable and listening to the other breathing; it was faster but not too much so they were fine.
“I disagree with you,” Marko said looking at him, “I do think that sometimes, not always, the place where you come from already tells something, at least it can give hints… I mean at least if I think of myself, well being from here it defines me in some ways, the history and the people… hm…” His voice drifted off, he took his glass and drank, almost loosing himself in his thoughts. Then after moment of silence he glanced at Nai, “are you always so serious?” He asked then.
“I’m not serious, I’m slightly drunk.” He leaned back, watching the ceiling for a moment fingers of his good hand plucked at the fur another at his side, “Who are you?” He asked, looking straight into the boy’s eyes.
“Who am I?” The question took him by surprise, but made him smile. “I told you, I’m Marko Lumme.. I’m just a boy trying to make through in this cold, cruel world” He shrugged his shoulders, finger tracing the edge of the glass. “Who are you?”
"Just a boy you said. I'm just a boy too but I'm not trying, I gave up long ago and stand against the cold soulless world. Do you believe in destiny?"
Marko was quiet for a moment,
“No, I don’t.” He finally answered, “should I believe in it, the cards given would look rather depressing…hm… I believe in… trying to make the best out what you have, life can be short and I believe it’s about choices, really… hm… and what do you believe?“
Nai liked his answer and smiled.
"I believe that everything is in our hands. Destiny doesn't, can't exist because it denies free will and free will is what makes us human"
"Hm, I agree with you...some people perhaps, like to use destiny as excuse... but to be destined to live a life of fear? Destined to be murdered? Or... well anyway… It seems wrong." Marko lowered his gaze down to the remains of his drink before drifting his gaze back up to the stranger, smiling.
“Hm, deep conversations at a club; this is a new thing for me.
“If it bothers you we can talk about latest trends in jewellery fashion, or about nature of god, or how good I look in red" Nai lifted his right hurt hand "choose"
Marko tilted his head, looking at him with curiosity.
"You are strange, I like strange..." He told him "How good do you look in red?" He smirked.
Nai finished his drink.
"I'm strange..." He repeated closing his eyes for a moment and then sitting up in front of him leaning forward so their faces were close "am I? And how do I look in red? You tell me"
"You look..." Marko started taking a closer look at him, “hm, delicious,” He decided, “sexy,” he grinned, before looking away as though in shame. ”Is too bold of me to say? My mouth easily runs away with me at times and I don’t always think what I’m about to say before saying it.”
"It’s dangerous, not to think what you're about say." Nai took his coat off slowly, unfortunately sleeves of his skin tight black shirt lift revealing old scars around his wrists; made long time ago with barbed wire, similar one was on his neck but hidden under the collar. Everyone learn not to look at them or ask, long time ago. He had learned to forget about them.
Marko had seen the scars; it was kind of difficult not to notice.
“If I ask, I don’t think you would tell me,” he started quietly, looking back into his eyes “but if you want to talk, then I listen.”
"I don't know you" Nai said looking back at him. "I was 16, I was careless, angry and lonely" He started, not knowing why he was telling him a part of his past when he learned what pain really was, "because person I loved the most left me, I was silly, it was only university but I felt like he abandoned me forever" His hair was covering his face when he looked down suddenly he didn’t want him to see in his eyes to see what was behind them. He knew he might recognise it because he knew that it was the same he thought he saw in his eyes. “I wanted to show how independent I am that I don’t need him. I was wrong.” He forced himself to say looking up, “fortunately I don’t remember much, not everything… but don’t worry, scars don’t hurt and I know it better than most.”
Marko nodded his head, looking sadly at him,
“I know that some scars remain unseen by most, they’re usually the ones that hurt the most.” At least his owns were this kind, “I’m sorry,” he said meaning it “maybe you need another drink?” He suggested then “The pear one?” He asked about to stand up.
“No!” His good hand quickly reached to grasp his wrist in a hold that he hoped wasn’t too hard. “Unless you want me to fall asleep right here,” he smiled, still holding him.
Marko looked down at the hand that was holding him then back at the strangers eyes; he smiled faintly, nodded his head and settled himself back on the seat.
“No I don’t want you falling asleep.
“Sorry if I hurt you,” Nai muttered letting go of his hand. “Do you think I’m crazy or sick if I think that pain proves me to be alive? Especially when I can’t feel it.” He asked playing with the dirty layers of the bandage. “I’m not hurt, not anymore.”
Marko tilted his head.
“You weren’t hurting me,” he told him, giving him a careful look, he could understand him after all it was often what he himself was doing; asking for the pain to feel something besides the emptiness. “I don’t think you’re crazy or sick for that matter… If you are… then I guess I would be too… Sometimes I feel so alone, I-“ He drifted his gaze away from him, unsure why it was that he had started opening up to a complete stranger, about to share his inner thoughts that he had kept so well hidden before, it was dangerous… dangerous to let anyone closer this way, but maybe it didn’t matter? After all, it was unlikely that he’d see much of the stranger, life was of short moments, short meetings with strangers… why should this be any different?
“You’re… confused and lonely. Trying to cover your real self with mask of cool, uncaring easy going guy, playing the same game for years to make everyone fooled so that they don’t try to look deeper. We are masters in this fucked up game, aren’t we?” Nai wasn’t sure if he had moved too far, for him or for himself, but he didn’t care anymore. The boy had seen in this short period of time, much more than many of his so called friends for years.
Marko was surprised; he looked at Nai for some time not saying a word. No one usually saw this much, this fast, it amazed and frightened him at the same time.
"It is funny... perhaps it takes a player of the same game to see through another... I don't have many friends, in fact I have none, I have people around me calling themselves my friends, but they don't care or see... the only person, that really cares, that loves me without wanting anything... my grandmother... she's starting to forget, sometimes she looks at me and sees someone from her past, even calls me by his name... I miss her, but I know I'm starting to loose her to her past... eventually she forgets all together, and I'm afraid I forget myself..."
"I envy you, you have family. Even if it's only one person and even if she might forget who you are, you'll remember yourself by just looking at her or later at the picture. I know you will because it's the way I'm remembering my true self by looking at old burned photographs. The only thing I have. I truly envy you." Nai started to feel dizzy, it was hot and crowded there now and it was starting to bother him more and more.
"And friends, who are they really? People who will listen how hurt you are, pet your head, say how sorry the are and deep inside feel happy it's not them?"
"You’re right," Marko nodded, "I don't want to let go of her, I'm scared, but I do have the memories... and friends... yes, perhaps that's right as well, but it is a depressing thought." He looked around sighing, "this place, all the people in it... I keep coming here and yet I'm never satisfied with what I got when I leave, I play the game and smile, always keep smiling, so perhaps one day I manage to fool even myself. Fool myself that I'm happy like this." He shook his head, looking back at him, "If you would ask me to come with you, I would."
Nai opened his eyes wide open and then he was laughing out loud, loud and long, tears escaping from his eyes. “Come with me.” He said managing to calm down. "I'm a stranger, obviously crazy and scary and you want to come with me?" He asked wiping tears off his cheeks.
Marko smiled, hiding any confusion he felt at first.
“I know it might not make any sense, it’s true that I don’t know you… sometimes danger makes me feel just as alive as pain does. One day continuing like this, I go with the wrong one. “ He frowned, sliding his finger on the cold surface of the glass, “somehow I’ve always thought I’ll die young.” He looked back at Nai, “but I don’t think you’d hurt me… maybe I am crazy?” He brushed his hair from his face, behind his ear. "Anyway, it's an offer; you are free to say no to it just like you are free to say yes."
Nai quickly slip off the table and pinned him to his seat, straddling with one knee between his thighs, another at his side. His left hand held his wrist against the wall and fingers of the other caressed his cheek, his lips close to his ear whispered; "do you know what my name mean where I live?"
Marko heart had begun to beat faster; he had managed to take him by surprise. He looked at him, trying to control his breathing
"no, I don't know..." He whispered, waiting, unsure what.
Nai smirked.
"Negation," he released his hand and buried his finger in his hair moving even closer "or" he nuzzled against his ear lobe "dead"
Marko moved his now free hands uncertainly and carefully to rest on the strangers upper arms, he swallowed heavily.
“Then… are you?” He asked with a whisper.
"No, I'm just broken" Nai replied, suddenly feeling very tired and he let go of him, moving so that now he was straddling his lap, his forehead pressing against his shoulder, hands lose at his sides. “I’m weak,” he sighed, "don't do this, don't touch me, not when I'm not aware of that. Tell me if you want to touch me."
Marko lowered his hands this was definitely different, different that any other he had met, part of him wondered if it was indeed better for him to run away now when there was still a chance, wondered the chance of now meeting with the one that would in the end finish his poor excuse of a life and yet despite wondering it he knew he had already decided to stay and see the end of it, what ever it would mean.
“I want to touch you,” he whispered, close to his ear.
Nai threw his head back once again, neck and collar revealed, submissive, eyes half closed, watching him carefully, “you can,”
Marko brought his hand on his face, tenderly stroking his cheek, running his fingers down on his neck, to his chest, moving slowly on his back; caressing his spine softly carefully watching his face, unsure if he himself was insane or just drunk, he chose the later as he allowed his lips to brush against his neck slowly up to his earlobe; gently almost like they were long time lovers not just strangers who met on that same evening. He didn’t know what to say, just kept giving him the tender, trying touches.
Nai’s eyelids fluttered, it had been some time since someone had touched him like this and he didn’t know how to react. He didn’t want to push him away, to hurt him.
“You want me,” he whispered giving a sound to what was obvious to them both, “why?” He moved his arms around his neck, forcing him closer, he wasn’t recognising himself anymore.
“Maybe I see part of myself in you… perhaps…” Marko took a pause; this was confusing to him, everything that was happening, what he felt inside when he looked at the beautiful stranger. “You enthral me.” He whispered when he brought his hand to his hair, enjoying the soft feel against his skin.
Nai’s hair was his weakest spot and now he had him.
“Don’t stop, god, please, don’t stop.” He pleaded moving his head closer to allow him more access. It was too much and yet not enough.
Nai suddenly reminded Marko of cute little kitten, when he did that thing with his head, and he smiled stroking his hair soothingly.
“I won’t not if you don’t want me to.” He promised.
Nai was moaning like a starved whore, he needed to stop, now before it was too late.
“Sleep, I need to sleep.” He whispered still holding him close. “I need to find a place to sleep, please.”
Marko had been staying at his grandmother’s apartment, since breaking up with Peter, she had told him he could stay there as long as he needed, and she herself was most likely to spend the remaining years of her life in a nursing home, so it was… lonely.
“I-“ He hesitated, could he really take this strange man there? Knowing so little? But right then, the man seemed so harmless; tired… could there really be any harm? It was a risk, he knew it and still, “if you have no place to stay for the night, you can come home with me. It doesn’t have to be anything else, just a place to sleep.” He assured.
Nai only nodded, he wasn’t afraid; even in his wounded state he was still much stronger than the boy was. Reluctantly he moved away, sitting on the table, grabbing his coat; he dressed it on, trying to fasten the buttons with left hand, clumsy like drunk, well he thought he was half drunk after all.
“I need to get my own coat before we leave,” Marko said, pointing towards where he had left it. Looking at the man again, he wondered if he was making a mistake, he had never brought anyone to his grandmothers home, the only few places he had ever felt truly protected and loved.
Nai saw the doubt in his eyes.
“I won’t hurt you,” he whispered a promise, so quietly that he wasn’t sure if the kid heard him. “I’ll wait outside,” he added louder. He moved away, the kid might not follow him and he would understand. He was strange after all and the kid knew this.
Marko walked to the area where the coats were handed the man behind the counter the little ticket with the number of where his outdoor clothes were. He dressed himself carefully before walking outside to the cold night, where he saw Nai. Smiling he walked over to him, “we should take a cap…” he said quietly, “this way…” he showed the way with his hand, wanting to trust the stranger.
Nai tilted his head, reaching out, catching snowflake on his palm, “do you know why snow is white?” He asked and answered before waiting for an answer. “Because it forgot its true colour,” snow melt and turned to water, he closed his palm. “Lets go.”
Marko raised his eyebrow, and shook his head with a soft chuckle, “you are a strange one Nai,” He decided and started walking towards the taxi stop.
It didn’t take long for them to find a taxi, because the clubs would still be open for few more hours.
The city was different from the city where Nai lived, much smaller and quieter. He looked out of the window for the most of the drive; lights that showed all beauty and shadows that hid all abominations. He was silent. Nai wasn’t used to taking a cab, usually he travelled on foot or holding tightly onto Eric’s waist when he was breaking another speed record, teasing Nai about it later. This was different and cosy, leaving him unguarded.
20 minutes later they arrived to the building and after Marko had paid the man, they got up.
“The third floor,” Marko told his strange companion, pointing towards the building, already searching for the keys.
Nai followed him without saying a word, the smell of the staircase was familiar and yet almost forgotten to him.
The door creaked as it was opened, the click echoing in the empty halls for sometime before it faded. Blue darkness inside, before the first light was lid, Marko kicked of his shoes, started undressing his jacket and shoes.
It was not a place where a young man lived; Nai thought to himself, it was place full of memories, both good and bad.
“Come in,” Marko welcomed him a bit absently after picking up some mail from the floor, walking towards the living room.
Nai took his coat off and started tumbling with the countless number of velts and clamps of his high boots, he loved his boots but taking them off was a nightmare, especially with only left hand to use.
“I’ll be right here,” he told the kid after sitting onto the floor to fight with the damn things.
Marko lid a small table lamp in the room, studying the letters that the mail had brought, One was for his grandmother, send from Sweden, the other was for himself; from his last boyfriend. He sighed knowing what was in it even before opening; pleads to return, sweet lies put into words.
"Would you like something to drink? Water? hm... Beer? Wine? Tea perhaps?"
When Nai was ready he walked into the room where Marko was, seeing the sadness on his face when he was holding some letters in his hands, looking at them and… Nai started to have doubts; maybe he made a mistake coming here?
"Drink? Something harmless, one more and I'll fall asleep right here unless you want me to"
"Coffee?” He asked, giving give him a weary smile. "You can turn on the light, it's on you left."
"Tea is fine". The place was small and made him feel uncomfortable somehow, like he wasn’t fitting there. Like he was wrong, odd, and strange and this place was a shelter of normal simple life.
“Alright, I’ll be right back.” Marko told him, walking into the kitchen, slightly shivering from sudden cold. He took the kettle, poured some water in it before placing it on the stove to heath. He started looking for the tea bags, “Sugar?” He called into the living room.
"Yes, much" Nai replied, walking around the room; it was amazing, memories standing every where, pictures, old, new, single people and groups; Marko’s family. Nai had wanted to reach for one but restrained himself, so he just watched, starved for these feelings.
Marko returned with a tray on which he had placed the two tea cups, two spoons and some sugar.
“Here, I didn’t know how much sugar you use, so…” he explained when lowering the tray on the coffee table, kneeling down in front of it.
Nai knew that he was talking to him, but at the moment he couldn’t understand he only saw, the pictures seemed so enchanting to him. He had only one memory of him hidden safe in his place, he didn’t dare to carry it with him to risk destruction of the only thing that proved him that he had had a normal, simple life once. He envied Marko so much it almost hurt.
“You like the pictures?” Marko asked with a small smile, taking a sip of his tea. Nai was finally able to turn around to face him,
“mhm,” was the only sound that escaped him.
“How many spoons of sugar would you like in your tea?” Marko asked.
“One,” was the simple reply when Nai sat down onto the floor, in front of him, resting his head on grossed hands on the table.
"Here” Marko slide the tea cup across the table to him, “you really do look tired." He said, giving him a small smile again.
"You're not living here, are you?" Nai reached for the tea but didn’t drink it, just play with cup.
“I haven’t lived here for long, I moved after breaking up with my boyfriend. This is my grandmother’s house, she’s… she isn’t well… her memory isn’t well, so now she’s at a nursery home and my granddad died few years ago.” Marko explained eyes on his tea mug. “My father is a drunk,” he continued then, “my mother… I don’t know where she is and my dad, he started hating me somewhere along the way, perhaps after she left, perhaps after finding out that I was gay…He…” Marko’s voice trailed off, he took a sip of his tea, some distant, painful memories returning; his father used to beat him up and called him names…. whore, gay whore, that’s what he liked to call him. “Here I always felt safe,” he continued, looking up at the pictures on the walls, “I could sit here, for hours as a child, looking at those pictures, and listening how my grandmother did the daily chores, grandfather, sitting over there…” he pointed at the armchair on the corner, “smoking his cigarette and reading his magazine, I felt like… like nothing in the world could harm me when they were here, when I was with them. Now, it’s so strange, it’s been strange here, alone…I’m not perfect, not even good…” He whispered-
"Perfection is impossible to achieve... and not for humans to touch ..." Nai said, watching him; seeing him lost in memories, many are painful he guessed.
"Yes, I guess that's true..." Marko nodded, "I just wish…” He bit his lip still looking at the various pictures, “I wish I could be a better grandson to her, not screw up so much, she’s had such a difficult life, she’s lost so much and now even I… even I make her worry. I hate myself for it.” Marko finished his tea, playing with the empty cup. “How odd… here we have known only few hours and already you know more about me than most! It’s… strange, isn’t it?” He glanced at him, smiling crookedly.
“Maybe because I’m strange and there is nothing stranger than me,” Nai lowered his empty cup back on the tray. “You’re just a human, humans make mistakes, she knows that.” Nai looked at his right hand with disgust; blood and dirt; he might get some infection unless he cleaned it. “Where’s the bathroom?”
"To the hall and on your left" Marko answered, "I go and wash these..." he said picking up the tray.
Nai got up nodding, heading to the direction that Marko had shown him, he left the door open; it was a small room. He ripped the bandage off with his teeth and put his palm under hot water, the sink immediately filled with pink liquid; that son of a bitch had pierced his hand straight through!
After washing the dishes, Marko walked to the bedroom to change the sheets but when he heard the water still running in the bathroom he decided to check on his guest first.
“Hey, you alright?” He asked before getting a proper look, “oh what happened to you?” He asked then walking closer, touching his arm gently.
“You’ll need new bandages.”
Nai looked at the hand touching him, Marko did it again; touching before saying he was going to. But Nai didn’t complain instead he kept looking; Marko’s hands were clean, unscathed, so much different than his own.
“Who did that to you?” Marko asked while opening the cabinets, searching for the bandages and something to clean the wound with. Glancing at Nai he saw faint blush on his cheeks and wondered what could have caused it, then finally it was removed.
"Someone who you could never suspect to be capable of hurting others." Nai slid down to sit on the floor, looking up to Marko for a moment then again at his hands. “I’ve been worse,” he whispered, his left hand touching his rips subconsciously. Under layers of fabric his skin was fascinating mix of blue, yellow and maroon, the reason he couldn’t take breath, the man had managed to beat him up quite nicely.
Marko kneeled down in front of him, the necessary items in his hands,
“Let me clean it, your hand…” he asked studying Nai, “He did more to you? He hit you?” He asked, seeing how he held his hand on his side, flash of pain in his eyes.
“Hit me…” Nai bit his lower lip, he didn’t know why but he began to unbutton his shirt revealing the bruise. He thought he must have looked disgusting; so thin, beaten and pale. “Do you still find me attractive?” He looked down ashamed, it was something new. Maybe the kid thought that he was weak and pathetic; couldn’t even protect himself, or that he was really sick and enjoyed pain, that being hurt turned him on.
Marko looked at him sadly and touched the skin around the bruise careful not to hurt him anymore.
“Yes, I do still find you attractive” he replied, smiling softly as he drifted his gaze from the bruise to his face. He then took his wounded hand, “now, this will sting” he warned before he started cleaning the wound with disincentive. "I know how it feels, to be beaten,” he started, his voice low, “my dad... some men in my past..."
Nai had closed his eyes, letting him take care of him, it felt good, so good he couldn’t move but what the boy said, made him feel uncomfortable too… father, men, "this is wrong"
"What is?" Marko asked, looking at him, taking the bandage and starting to wrap it around his hand, "what this, who ever, did to you, it is wrong, I agree."
Nai took a deep breath, carefully not to hurt himself, not too much.
“I hate priests.” It just slipped from his mouth before he could think.
“Priests?” Marko raised his eyebrow, “why do you hate them?”
Nai’s eyes snapped open in fear,
“Forget what I said, just forget. I hardly know what I’m talking anymore.”
Marko could see the fear in his eyes, wondering what had caused it and whether or not it had something do what Nai had just said.
“It’s alright,” he said with gentle voice hoping to sooth him. “If you want to talk, I’m good at listening, you know?” He whispered standing up; he looked at his guest quietly for a moment. “I’ll go and change the sheets. We could both use some sleep…” He added, before turning.
Nai got up and followed him.
“I grew up in Italy, Vatican. My parents were always too busy to take care of us, me and my brother, so we were free.” He stood in the doorway of the bedroom, his eyes unfocused, “but freedom such as ours, always has a price.” And his voice changed, mimicking the voice of a man he remembered too well; “Do you read? ‘Yes’ Good I knew you would, such a smart kid.” The words were leaving his mouth and he couldn’t stop them, “You know what? I have a great library and some new books; would you like to take a look?” Nai walked absently further in the room, leaned against the wall, sliding down on the floor. “I was so stupid I hate myself for being so stupid. I went, who wouldn’t? This man was an example of true faith; Father that cares for his lambs, that tells you what is good and bad and how to make God love you more. Such a perfect person, but they didn’t know that no one is perfect and I was too young to know too.” He didn’t cry, he just felt light headed and lost.
Marko looked sadly at him, he could feel his pain and slowly he walked closer and kneeled down, silently wrapping his arms around him, holding him. “I’m sorry Nai, sorry that you’ve been hurt. No one deserves to be hurt like that and you shouldn’t hate yourself. You didn’t know, no one did, a man in such position should be trusted like you said.”
“Nothing really happened… Thanks to my brother, nothing…” Nai continued, “I merely remember him screaming and dragging me from there but I didn’t want to be a smart kid anymore.” He leaned against Marko now. “Since that day, he never left my side, we were inseparable. He was like a drug to me, few hours in school, separated and I felt sick, like addicted.” He sighed holding the other closer. "We started to live like everything was fine. He was climbing trees with me, sitting in closet during storm, making plans for future, we even separated our rules. I wanted to be a fireman and he wanted to be a doctor. I would save beautiful girls he would take care of them and they would worship us both" He chuckled at the memory, "he always wanted to be a doctor. One day he entered my room and told me he passed exams to university in Florence. I felt like he hit me in the face. He told me he will never leave me."
"He's still studying?" Marko asked carefully, pulling back but staying close. "When have you last seen him?"
"When he wet to university I was 16" Nai leaned against the wall again.
“How old do I look?" but Nai didn't wait for his answer he doubted that Marko could guess it. "He's not studying anymore... and he's not with me anymore..." He fell silent.
"My grandmother never got over from loosing her brother when she was a child; she’s missed him all these years... And I know how it’s like to miss… I miss my mom... I kept imagining that one day she'd come back and take me with her... But I've stopped hoping."
Nai wasn’t sure what to answer; he thought he had reached his limits for that night.
"I'm no use for you now" He whispered finally.
“Don’t worry about it, let’s just get to sleep.” Marko smiled, kissed his cheek and stood up.
Nai touched his skin where Marko had kissed him, it was weird, but on the other hand he really liked it. For a moment he just watched the other boy, preparing the bed for them.
“Okay, ready to sleep in.” Marko turned to him, smiling; he turned the bedside lamp on and walked over to turn off the main light off.
Nai sat down on the bed, looking around in the room then at Marko who was walking closer.
“Marko?” He whispered as the other boy was turning off the tableside lamp. "will you stay, just stay? and stroke my hair?" He asked and blushed right after almost as bright as a tomato; he was happy it was dark now. He lay down, closing his eyes.
Marko smiled, it was… a request totally new to him, request one didn’t expect to hear when bringing home someone from the club. But he kind of liked it.
“Of course if you want me to.” He answered, undressing to his boxers and t-shirt. The situation was bizarre, he thought again when lying on the bed next to the other,
"this is such an odd situation..." Marko whispered, "I'm quite confused by you." he admitted honestly.
"I'm good at confusing people" Nai sneaked closer, reaching out for him "I'll be here in the morning"
Marko nodded his head in the darkness and reached out to touch Nai’s hair, gently stroking it.
“I wonder…” He started, but as soon forgot what it was that he had wanted to say. He hoped that the other would be there in the morning, it was all he knew for certain and yet he wasn’t sure why.
"Now, sleep, morning." Nai gave him short words like orders, but he held him close enjoying what his hand was doing "don't spoil it."
Marko smiled to himself and close his eyes, lazily his hand continued to stroke the hair of the strange man, curling his fingers in their softness. He wondered idly why he felt so safe and relaxed next to him, without even knowing him properly and it was new, this was new, usually every guy he had met wanted just for that one thing.
“Good night Nai, strange Nai.” he whispered as his hand slowly eased its movement, slowly allowing him to drift of to sleep.
“’Night” Nai whispered and listened to his breathing for awhile, hoping that he would allow him to stay there a little longer, maybe at least one more night after this. Soon he had to give in as well; close his eyes and fall asleep.
Web
published: June 27th, 2008.
My Secret Shore
© KOLGRIM/VINYA 2008