CHAPTER 9.
Alexander:
I couldn’t save him from him, I wanted and I tried, the only way
I knew: lie that he was sick, and I failed.
What more can I do? He will use him, they all will and what happens
when they get enough? What happens when someone starts to question why
15 year old boy is kept here? My heart feels heavy and my mind is
filled with such self loathing; I am powerless and weak.
It’s night when I step into the room bringing some food with me,
he looks so fragile there, the soft burning fire from the stove
illuminates his angelic face, I feel heavy all over, as if my step
weiged a ton, but I approach, I try to smile but fail, just like I
failed him.
I want to reach out and touch him, tell him how sorry I am, but
what’s the use? What comfort could my words give?
He turns his eyes to me, his wrists bound before him, he reaches and
takes out a small piece of paper, hands it closer and I take it
confused, not understanding, I open the small note; revealing words
that I can not understand, words that I wish I was able to read, but no
matter how many times I read them through I’m none the wiser. I
frown and look at him, in his eyes and he gives me a small smile as if
encouraging as if… Oh how I wish we’d speak the same
language, so many things I want to explain and ask, but as I look back
at the note I realise that there is a way.
My heart starts to beat faster, I fold the paper and sneak it into my
pocket, it could be dangerous but we might be able to communicate, for
a moment we simply look in each other’s eyes, I nod my head and
smile; I promise to find a way to understand you.
“I brought food,” I finally speak and like I’ve done
before I begin to feed him, like before I talk to him; for now
it’s the only thing I can do, I have begun to care for him and I
know how dangerous that can be.
I leave him before dawn, promising to return as fast as I can. I feel
anxious, checking that the note is still with me, when I find Sergei, I
take a deep breath; I trust him, I want to trust him, but I know
it’s still a risk, he could reveal it to everyone, but I’m
prepared to take the chance, I trust him, foolish or not but I do.
“You know some Finnish…” I start with a whisper when
everyone else is out of earshot, he looks at me with surprise, but
finally nods his head.
“Yes, why?” I take a careful look around and when it seems
safe I hand him the little note,
“Tell me what it says?”
Sergei frowns, looks at me with surprise and then unfolds the note and
reads, again he looks up at me. “He gave you this?” he
questions, I simply nod.
“Alexander, what are you doing?” He sounds worried.
“Just tell me what it says,” I demand. He sighs and shakes
his head softly.
“I know what you did for me, thank you for trying.” He
reads and looks at me again, “tell me what’s going
on?”
I think of the words, smiling slightly; first words from him! But I am
not worthy of his thanks…I haven’t done enough.
“Please, do not tell anyone,” I plead him,
“promise?” I ask.
“Alright, I promise, only if you tell me?”
“This is not right and you know it, he’s just a boy…
I can’t turn my back on him.”
He looks at me silently, sighs and shakes his head.
“Oh, Alexander… I hope you won’t do anything
foolish, Lord knows I do not like this any more than you do,
but…” Our eyes meet, his stern worried gaze meeting mine,
“…don’t risk your life for him. I worry for you, you
are young and…”
“I know, I know what the risk is… but I can not live with
myself if I simply close my eyes from this. War is one thing, but to
bring someone, innocent and young into it and hurt him in the way they
have is another.” I grit my teeth and look down, trying to calm
down, before I bring my gaze back up to him. “You said you have a
son his age at home,” I start then, “now what if, lord
forbid, he was in that position, what if someone did this to him?
Wouldn’t you want that at least someone would… try…
try to do something, anything, to help him or at least make him more
comfortable?”
He’s silent again, clearly my words have upset him, and finally
he nods.
“Alright, alright…” He repeats and looks around,
“What is it that you’re going to do?” He asks.
“I don’t know, honest to God I don’t. I’m
scared, I wish there was a way… For now, I simply ask you to
write a note for me, a note to him; to let him know I understood what
he wrote, and... well, I need to think about it some more, but can you
do this for me?”
“This is crazy,” Sergei takes note and sighs heavily.
“But alright, I’ll write it for you, just tell me what you
want the letter to say.”
**^^**^^**^^**^^**^^**^^**
Elias:
I wonder what day it is, how long? I lay down, close my eyes and think
of home, oh what I would give to be back home, what I would give to be
able to change things and make them alright, to hold my siblings in my
arms, to see Emma and hold her.
I dream of a summer day, dream a dream where she is close, laying next
to me and I can almost feel her hand in mine, I can almost imagine her
soft touch on my face, she would kiss my forehead and tell me
it’s alright.
I dream of the life we wanted, that we thought we’d had, it was
so simple back then to imagine, so far and yet easily enough reached,
before the war, before everything, with the naïve hope of children
we thought we could have it. She said she wanted lots of children, at
least five, and in our dream we would climb on trees, run in the fields
and play, even working would be playing. We would have animals, cows,
chickens and couple of dogs, life would be simple and joyful, we
promised to never fully grow up, that as parents we would be easy going
and loving, have enough energy to play, we’d survive, money
wouldn’t be important as long as we’d be happy, as long as
we would have enough food and a roof over our heads. I would have built
a house for us and become a farmer, go fishing with my sons and
daughters.
It was a beautiful dream, it was a beautiful future but I know now how
out of reach and impossible it was, but it was good to dream.
I feel the pain in my chest and I feel the tears in my eyes, it’s
overwhelming, so overwhelming that I wish to scream from the top of my
lungs but only a choked cry comes out. I feel so alone and all my
dreams now lay broken on the floor with me, I won’t survive this.
I open my eyes and blink in the darkness, part of me had hoped to see
her or them, but there is nothing! Of course there isn’t! I want
to curl up, scream and hit the floor; just take me out of my misery!
And I cry until there are no tears left, until my head is throbbing
with pain, I long for a tender touch, long for someone to hold me
gently and whisper it’s alright, make me feel something other
than pain!
How long? I question, look around in the darkness, before my eyes move
to the fire, there in the stove, casting shadows and light, I wonder
why I thought it was dark? I wonder how I didn’t see the light of
the fire before.
The echo of the boots hitting on the wooden floor draws near, they each
sound different and simply by this sound I already know it’s
Alexander and I feel a strange calmness settling inside of me, I blink
tiredly, tears dried on my skin, the sound of the lock being opened,
the creak of the door that would need some oil. His steps draw nearer
and I’m too exhausted to lift my head up.
He kneels beside me, his concerned voice whispers something before his
hand reaches to gently touch my face, his thumb collecting the
remaining tears away. I look at him, smile wearily, and again he speaks
before handing me a note. Curiously, I look up and then at the piece of
paper, finding some energy to move he unfolds the note for me and with
trembling hands I take it and read; Finnish!
“I have talked with my friend; he’s a good man and knows
your language, he helped me to write this and he translated your note
for me. First of all, you have no idea how sorry I am, it pains me to
know and see what they have done to you. If I knew how to help you, if
there is away then I will do it. I do not at all approve the actions of
my fellow comrades, the actions of our Lieutenant. You shouldn’t
be here, you are innocent. I try, but you must give me time, I
won’t abandon you; I promise.”
My hands tremble and new tears rise to my eyes; hope… he’s
given me hope, such a small fire but everything I needed! I look at
him, reach out and lean against him, my hands clutching his uniform
jacket and I lay my head against his chest listen to the beat of his
heart; human.
“Thank you, thank you,” I repeat over and over, finally
feeling his hands wrapping around me, hugging me close and gently his
hand strokes my hair and silently I cry against him; thank you,
you’ve given me hope, you’ve given me light, I just want to
be held, I want to feel warm again, I want to feel alive! Just for one
moment, a small moment let me have my hope, let me think it’s
possible to live.
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RE-published(revised): October 12th, 2008.
My Secret Shore
© KOLGRIM 2006 - 2010