CHAPTER 14.
Alexander:
Everything seems slow, unreal, all is unreal, I can't hear anything,
feel anything. No, that’s not true. I feel so much that I can't
feel, does that make sense? No, nothing makes sense. He is gone.
Naked, violated body on the ground; lying in the pool of blood. Eyes,
emerald eyes, stare into death, the life is gone. I blink my eyes, but
it is the only thing I see; his dead body
on my mind, last look, the weary smile.
Lieutenant is dead, I don't care, and everyone else seems to. I'm glad
his dead, I might have killed him myself if he hadn't. Taste of alcohol
on my lips.
”Drink.” Sergei urges. Where am I? Where is he? Suddenly I
can not see the body. It's cold, dark. Wind on my face. How did I end
up outside? I don't remember walking. I walk forward and I throw up. He
is dead. I fall on my knees on the ground. I don't care, I wish to die.
”Get a hold of yourself.” I throw up again; I'm sweating,
even in the cold. Bombing, somewhere sounds of the war, the endless
war. His eyes are looking in to mine, his smile is shy. His body is
warm. He is whispering, beautiful voice, beautiful words. What is he
saying? What did he tell me? His eyes, green eyes, like the leafs in
the forest, reminds me of summer, emeralds. Such sadness. His touch,
his hands are trembling.
He lays down, looking at me, the light of the fire on his face and on
his body, last kiss, and last touch. What did he tell me? Standing
outside, fighting me off, yelling at me; such powerful words, from such
a beautiful mouth. Saving me. It was I who was suppose to save you. His
body is so warm, the softness of his hair, the kiss of his sweet lips.
Come back, come back... Where did you go? Where are you, only yesterday
I held you… You were kneeling on the ground, playing with the
snow. Smiling, smiling to me. I love you, did you know?
Small moments, flashing through my mind, your voice, your smile.
Crying, screaming, you're hurting and it's killing me, even now it's
killing me, slowly, painfully. I'm dying inside, help me... I'm tired,
I can't do this, can't breath. I can not... How can I go on? I'm sick
of this world, sick of the war. What is the point? I never got the
point.
I feel numb, alone, cold, only you could bring the warmth back. Do you
hate me now? All the pain... I am sorry, so sorry. I should have...
could have... I love you, without words I loved you, will continue on
loving you. I want you back... I want that last night together back. I
want to see you kneeling on the ground, playing with the snow, I want
to hear you laugh, I want to tell you that I love you, I want to learn
to know you better, understand you better. I only know your name, your
first name.
Did
you laugh a lot before the war? Were you making people around you
smile, I know you did. You made them happy. Were you happy? What did
you dream of? I wanted to know. I want to know. Were everyone as
mesmerized by your beauty as I was? I want to know, I want you to tell
me... But you are dead, they murdered you... Again and again I see how
they raped you, in front of my very eyes, your last screams are echoing
inside my mind, your eyes so filled with pain, with tears... The gun
shot, you fall back on the ground, lifeless eyes, how can it be? This
world...it makes no sense...
In haze goes the rest of the night, by morning I am still as confused,
still as broken. I haven't eaten, haven't slept. There's nothing,
nothing to keep me going. Why should I live? Give me a reason, give me
the will...
Sergei walks over to me and I look up.
”He asked me to give you this.” He says quietly and gives
me a letter of some kind; Sascha, it says. In confusion I open it,
there's another letter inside, with the name; Emma. I read the letters
on the paper, not understanding. Elias has written this, it's the only
though on my mind as I desperately try to make out what it says.
”I don't understand... what does it say?... Sergei; I don't
understand this!” I get all upset because of it. His last words
and I can't read them!
”Of course you can't read it... I can translate it for
you’’’ He says gently and I hand the letter to him,
waiting anxious. I see him quickly reading it through, I see the
sadness in his eyes and before he starts he sighs.
“Dear Sascha…. There’s not much time, I know what waits for me and I am almost certain that I won’t see the following morning…. It’s difficult to find the right words… I hope you are safe. You’ve been so good to me, my only comfort in this place; my warmth and my secure, I love you; as crazy as it is and I know you feel the same way, your attempt to safe my life proved it. I don’t want you to go on blaming yourself, you did what you could and I want you continue doing so in the future. Do everything you can to survive!
I
want you to know who I really am, my last name is Lahti, I was born in
September 23th in 1927. My parents have died, my mother was very ill
when they took me and I don’t think she made it. I have two
siblings; Aino who is 6 and Olavi who is 4, I can’t be certain of
their fate but in my heart I feel that they’re still alive.
I’m telling you this, because I am giving you my last request and I trust you with my whole being; survive, fight, do anything you can to survive this war, when it’s over I’m asking you to find my siblings, I don’t want them to always have to wonder what my fate was. Tell them I’ve died, but spare them of details, lie if you must that my death was quick and as painless as possible.
Tell them how much I love them.
And if possible, I’m asking you to find a third person, who is important to me; her name is Emma, she’s my best friend. She moved to Stockholm in the summer of 1939, he mother married there and their lastname changed from Koivu to Lindgren. I will write another letter to her, to explain what I can, I enclose her letter with yours. If you can’t find them, I understand, it might be difficult.
And
lastly Sascha, thank you, thank you for everything. If you are there
today, I know there is nothing you can do, I also know it’s the
last place you’d want to find yourself in. If you are blaming
yourself, I want you to stop. You are as much the victim of this
mindless war as I am. I don’t know what else to say… Every
moment in your arms was precious. Thank you for holding me, yours;
E.L”
Tears are clouding my vision, for awhile we are both silent. I miss him so madly it will surely make me crazy and yet I want to honour his request, I owe him as much so no matter how painful it will be I will do what I can to survive.
THE END
Web
published: April 9th, 2009.
My Secret Shore
© KOLGRIM