Chapter 21.

“Samuel, I`m so pleased that you both came!” Mrs Grey shouted happily and hurried to meet them by the car. She took her son into a warm embrace and then turned her attention to Michael.

“You must be Michael, welcome!” She smiled and hugged him as well.

“Now, let me look at you. My, my aren`t you beautiful, very handsome.” She spoke, her hands were on his shoulders as she was checking out his face and his figure. Michael looked at Sam, who stood beside him, with confusion and he seemed to be slightly embarrassed.

“Nice to meet you Mrs Grey.” He said and Sam thought that he looked absolutely adorable.

“Mom, stop harassing my boyfriend, lets go inside already?” Sam laughed softly

Michael was about to take their bags from the trunk, when an older, grey haired man, dressed in a black suit came beside him. “Sir, allow me.” He said and smiled to him. Michael looked over at Sam with surprise. `Did that man just call me sir?` He wondered.

“Come on Michael, Albert will take care of our stuff, thank you Albert.” Sam reached to take his hand in his and smiled to the older man in a friendly manner. Sam leaded him into the large villa, which looked more like a manor to Michael.

He looked in awe around himself in the hall, he felt so small and somehow out of place.

“Albert is our butler.” Sam told him and Michael just stared at him, moth open, eyes wide. He had known that Sam was from a slightly wealthier family, but this, this was so much more than he had ever imagined, and to think that they called this place their villa? Michael wondered how big house they had in London. `And Albert? Why do the butlers always have a name like Alfred or Albert or...or...` He thought and at the same time, felt even more nervous. More people came to greet them.

“Well son, finally settled down now have you? It`s about time I think. I`m so happy to see you both.” Sam`s father said, hugged his son and then Michael. Michael smiled to him, his heart was racing fast and he felt so insecure inside. He would have wanted to nestle against Sam and squeeze his hand tightly.

“Hello, I`m Samuel`s big sister Lisa, nice to meet you.” The woman with long, blond hair said and shook his hand, she was about thirty, Michael guessed.

“Hello, Michael Harris, nice to meet you too.” Somehow he managed to keep the nervousness away from his voice. Sam took his hand and Michael felt slightly relieved.

“You must be tired after the trip, I made your room ready so you can rest before the dinner. It`s the second door, on the left, upstairs. The dinner is served at seven.” Mrs Grey told them with a smile on her lips.

“You seem nervous, are you alright?” Sam asked once they had gotten to their room. Michael sat on the bed and looked at him.

“I can`t hide anything from you, can I?” Michael smiled slightly and followed him with his eyes as Sam sat down next to him. “I`m glad that you can`t.” Sam smiled and continued. “Try to relax my love, you don`t have to be scared of them. I could see that they all liked you.” Sam placed his hand on his thigh.

“I`m scared of what your parents think of me. I`m nothing special, just senior high school drop out, a waiter and you and them...” Michael looked down.

“It dosn`t matter, it`s just material. The money or the status dosn`t make a person, it`s what`s in here and in here that counts.” Sam had placed his hand on his head and on his heart. “I know that it sounds like such a big cliché, but it`s true.” He laughed softly.

“Alright, I`ll try to relax.” Michael sighted smiling and then kissed Sam.

“What should I wear?” Michael asked once he had gotten up from the bed and was about to go to the shower.

“I pick some clothes out for you, while you`re showering. And please don`t worry dear, they are alright, there are no stuck-up rich people here.” Sam grinned.

“By the way Sam...um...What do your parents know about me?”

“They know that you`re a waiter, that you`re from England, that you`re the love of my life, perfect mix of English, Irish and Spanish....I told them about Jean, but not the whole story, don`t worry.” Sam smiled.

“The love of your life?” Michael asked smiling happily. “Yes, of course you are.” Michael walked back to him and kissed him. “I love you so much Samuel!” He said. Sam slapped his bottom and smiled.

“Now, into the shower, I think I`m coming with you, because you`re just too damn cute to shower by yourself...” Michael looked at him, raising his eyebrow, questionable smile playing on his lips.

“Yes, I know that it dosn`t make any sense, but who cares.” Sam grinned.


They sat in the dinning room. Sam kept his hand on his thigh and stroked it gently and soothingly.

“What do your parents do for living?” Mrs Grey asked smiling, from the other side of the table and lifted her wine glass up to her lips.

“My mom is a Spanish teacher and my father is an architect...I haven`t seen them in a long time though.”

“Do you have any brothers or sisters?”

“No, I mean...um...My mother would have wanted more children, but...” He hesitated, before continuing.“...But after me, when she was pregnant with my sister...well, the birth was very difficult and it started prematurely...the baby died later that same day that she was born and my mom wasn`t able to have any more children after that.” Michael told them, he was spinning his food on his plate in a nervous manner. `No one wants to hear about you death baby sister at dinner, you ass...That was soo stupid, you are an idiot Michael.` He thought to himself.

He remembered the time, how disappointed he had been when he had heard that the baby sister that his mother had been carrying, hadn`t made it. He had wanted to be an elder brother so badly. He remembered his mother and how sad she had been, he remembered it all so clearly, even though he had only been five years old when it had happened. It still bothered him at times. He often wondered, how she would have been like, how would she have looked like and...He remembered the tiny, little coffin, that held the tiny little baby girl`s corpse inside, the tombstone that read; *Angelia Estella Wills* B:10.3.1985 D:10.3.1985 It had looked so sad and lonely. “She is our angel now, she is our star.” His mother had whispered to him at the funeral and held his hand in hers. Michael believed that he would have never left his home, if his sister had been a life.

“I`m really sad to hear that.” Mrs Grey said, you could see and hear the true sympathy in her eyes and from her voice. Sam squeezed his hand. Michael had never told him about this before and he wondered what else was there that he didn`t know yet.

Later the conversation turned to happier things. Michael was finally able to relax.

“Now I know, why you can`t cook.” He whispered to Sam in one point of the splendid dinner, Sam smiled and placed a kiss on his cheek. Everything was so great. Sam`s mother; Ella and Lisa told him funny story`s from the time that Sam had been a child. Every one was laughing to these, leaving poor Sam quite embarrassed. He was pleading for them to stop telling these story`s to Michael, but his mother just shushed him and she even showed baby pictures of him to Michael, once they had moved to sit in the living room.-

“I think you have been such a cutie and you still are.” Michael whispered to him, looking at his boyfriend blushed face. He cave him a kiss on the cheek. Michael realized just how much he missed his own family, while sitting there joking and having fun with Sam`s family. Maybe he really should give them a call sometime? And if they would not want anything to do with him, well, at least he would know and he could then try to let it go...


Later that evening, they went for a walk on the beach with Sam. It was dark already, but you could see the bright stars and the moon. It was a peaceful night.

“It`s so beautiful out here.” Michael said as they were walking bare feet`s on the sand, along the shoreline.

“Yes it is, lets go swimming?” Sam suggested.

“Swimming? Um...now? It`s dark already and besides we don`t have our swimming trunks with us, or any towels for that matter.” Michael pointed out looking at him.

“Who needs them? Come on, lets go!” Sam took his hand and started to drag him towards the watter.

“Sam, no! Our clothes will get wet!” Michael screamed laughing and tried to squirm his way out of Sam`s hold.

“Come on, it will be fun!” Sam lifted him up to his arms, after all he was taller and stronger than his boyfriend, so it wasn`t that hard.

“Sam! Let me down now!” Michael screamed, but still with laughter.

“You want me to put you down, do you? Alright then.” Sam grinned and walked a little bit deeper. Michael looked horrified as he realized what Sam was planning to do.

“Oh, you wouldn`t!” He said. Sam grinned again and dropped him down in the watter that reached almost to Sam`s waist. “Ups.” He said.

“Oh, your going to pay for that, you got my hair wet! *sniff*” Michael said with a fake feminine like voice and pretended to be very hurt. Sam tried to get away from him, but wasn`t fast enough. Michael knocked him down in the watter with him.

“Hahaa, the revenge is sweet as well as it is wet...” Michael grinned.

“Hm...so it seems, I`m not complaining though...” Sam mumbled and pulled him into a kiss. They came back to the shore, laid down on the sand. Sam was on top of Michael, kissing him. Neither of them cared about the fact that they both were wet, nor that the sand clutched on to their clothes and hair. The kiss drowned everything else from around them.

“Sam..I think we should...oh god..mmmh...someone might come here...” Michael whispered between the kisses, which started to get a little too heated up, considering the place that they were at.

“Mmmh...” Sam mumbled, lifting his head up slightly.

“Maybe we should...” A kiss.”...go back...” Another kiss.”...to our room.” Sam grinned. Then he heard voices coming closer and closer to them. Sam looked to the direction of the voices. “Hmmm...the angry French arrive...” Sam said quietly. “Wait a minute...they look familiar...oh bullocks...” Sam said suddenly.

“What?” Michael asked in confusion as Sam rose up. Michael rose too and looked to the direction that Sam was looking, his face paled. “What?…How?…Why are the here, how are they here?” Michael sighted his breathing tensed, his heart was racing. He wiped the sand away from his still wet clothes. Sam stepped in front of him in a protective manner.

“Oh how sweet, a little love scene on the beach.” Jean snarled coming closer to them. Jean had his friends; Louis and Felipe with him.

“What the fuck are you doing here?! Are you following us? Stalking Michael, Jean? You are asking for troubles! You leave him alone and if you ever come near him again, I swear that I`ll hurt you!” Sam roared, squeezing his hands into a fists. Jean laughed.

”Uh, I`m so scared. Very convincing Sam, I must say.” Jean sneered, looking at them both from head to toe; they both had wet hair and their wet clothes clutched onto their skin, showing of perfectly, their slim and fit figures.

“Sam, lets just go, don`t waste your energy on them.” Michael whispered, touching his arm gently. Sam nodded and they turned to leave.

“The whore needs your energy in something else. Tell me Samuel, have you enjoyed him? Have you enjoyed this whore that you stole from me?” Jean asked. “What did you say?!” Sam shouted turning around to face that dick head.

“Jean, maybe we should just go?” Felipe asked his friend, looking a bit uncomfortable about this situation that was going on. Jean ignored him.

“You heard me Sam...Michael, you look really good, healed yourself already, have you? I was a little rough, now wasn`t I? Maybe you would need some more?” Jean said and tried to get closer to Michael.

“I have had enough! I warned you, you god damn piece of shit!” Sam screamed and before anyone had time to react he swung his fist straight in Jean`s face. Jean cried out, lifted his hand under his bleeding nose and looked at Sam with cold, hateful glare. “You`ll be sorry for that Sam! And by my god will you be sorry, you both will!” Jean roared. Michael looked at him with wide eyes and scared and then he looked at Sam who was shaking from mere furry. He grasped Sam`s arm.

“Lets go Sam, please, lets just go.” He asked. Sam barely nodded and he looked at Jean once more. Jean`s friends had came to help him.

“Lets go Jean.” They said to him and pulled their bleeding friend with them.

“I`m so mad to him! So mad, he has no right! That fucking son of a bitch!” Sam raged in their room. After they both had taken a shower and changed their clothes. Michael sat on the bed feeling upset. He really hadn`t expected to see Jean there, on the other side of France.

“Michael, honey, are you alright?” Sam asked then and knelled in front of him, kissing his palms.

“I...I`m fine...I..oh god...How could he find me here? I don`t understand...The same town? the same beach?” Michael wondered staring at the wall in front of him.

“Jean is obviously following you, I don`t know where he found out that we would be here, but I don`t believe that it was a coincidence...I must say that I`m worried...What if we would inform the police about this? And try to get a restraining order for him?”

“Sam, there is no proof that he`s a threat to me and I don`t think that the police would believe us.” Michael sighted. Sam was quiet, Michael might be right, but surely there was something that they could do?

“Sam, just forget it...Lets just forget them, okay?...I...Everything will be alright, he just teases us, scares us, trying to make our life difficult, but we can`t let him get to us.” Michael tried to comfort him and make him relax, but in the end he didn`t believe his own words. `Everything will not be okay.` His mind kept telling him. He was just so happy with Sam now, how long would it take, until it was taken away from him again? He wanted to clung into it with his teeth and nails, enjoy every minute and every second with Sam. Those moments could disappear so fast; that was the lesson he had learn from life so far. Sam sat beside him on the bed and Michael took him to his embrace, he kissed his lips long.

“I love you Sam, what ever may come, I`ll always love you, don`t you ever forget that.” He whispered quietly.

Chapter 22.

Friday, 5th of September

His working day had gone fine up until that point. He had still two hours of the work day left, when he saw Jean and Patrick walk into the restaurant. Michael froze, his hands began to shake and his heart beading wildly in his chest. He really didn`t want to see the two of them, especially in his workplace. They both looked straight at him, as they sat down. Michael paled, there was no way in hell that he would serve anything to them. He turned around and walked towards the office.

He knocked the door.

“Come in.” The voice answered.

”Mrs. Gladstone...I`m sorry to interrupt, but I...” Michael started and looked at the elder woman, who sat in front of her desk.

“What`s the matter dear? You look so pale.” She asked.

“Well, I…I don`t feel so good, could I leave home earlier today?” He asked carefully.

“Well, Laura and Aramis are working too and the day has been quiet, but has something happened that you`re not telling me dear?”

“My ex-boyfriend and his friend came here and I`m sorry but I can`t wait on them. I know that they only came here to make me feel uncomfortable.”

“Is this the same man who assaulted you?”

“Yes.” Michael admitted quietly.

“We do have the right to choose our customers, and I most certainly will not tolerate such people here, that are harassing my employees.” Muriel said with embhatic voice and continued.

“Have the rest of the day off and you do not have to worry that they would come here again. I`ll see to that.” Muriel rose up from her desk and Michael looked at her with gratitude.

“Thank you Mrs. Gladstone.”

“Just call me Muriel, dear. You`re one of my best waiters, customers love you and it`s very important to me that you`ll have your work peace. So, where do these two sit?”


Michael arrived home, it had been so much fun to watch how Jean and Patrick had been trowed out. The look on their faces; it had been priceless. Michael grinned to the memory in his head. He decided to take a long, hot bath. He was still feeling tense and slightly distressed, he wondered would Jean ever leave him alone or how long would he plan to bother him?

The previous day he had searched his parents phone number. They still lived at the same place and he hadn`t slept much the whole night, he had wondered how it would feel like to return home again. What would he say on the phone and how would they react? He kept thinking of it, but he was just so afraid to take that step. What if they would hate him? Despise him? And they would never want to hear from him again? He didn`t know would he be able to handle it. Michael sighted and rose up from the bath.

He wrapped the towel around his waist and came into the kitchen. He was just pouring himself a glass of wine, when the doorbell rang. He startled a bit, wishing that Sam would be home with him, what if it would be Jean?

He came to the door and looked through the peephole. He smiled and opened the door.

“Kitty, hey!”

“Hey...” Kitty greeted, looking at him from head to toe. She felt like she was blushing. Michael suddenly came very aware of the fact that he was only wearing the towel and nothing else.

“I`m sorry Kitty, I just came out of bath and I wasn`t expecting any guests. Please do come in.”

“It`s quite alright, I should be the one to apologize for staring.” Kitty smiled and closed the door after her.

“I was just about to take some wine, there`s an open bottle if you`d like some? I`ll go and dress.” Michael walked to the bedroom and Kitty just couldn`t draw her eyes away from him.

“Thanks” She said then and went into the kitchen to pour a glass fo herself.

She came back to the living room and sat on the couch that had a little too good view to the bedroom. She could see Michael through the mirror, dressing. She knew that she should look away, but the little curious devil in her head made her look, yes that was it, she was made to do so. `Oh god, I`m turning into some weird pervert, like those old man, who check teen-aged girls up, in the swimming halls.` Kitty thought horrified.

“Sam isn`t home yet, if your looking for him, but I expect him home soon.” Michael shouted from the bedroom as he was pulling some jeans on.

“Well, actually I came here to talk to you. I didn`t know if you were home or not, but I happened to be around in this neighborhood and decided to try my luck.” Kitty explained and tasted her wine.

“Oh? What is it that you wanted to talk about?” Michael asked and came to the living room, pulling a red tank top on. `Oh my dear God, he looks soo good.` Kitty thought to herself.

“I began this Salsa dancing class with Angela, and Sam once told me that you know how to dance that. I thought that if you could teach me a little? I feel so clumsy and awkward around the others.”

“When have you started this class?” Michael asked and went to get his wine glass from the kitchen.

“Couple of months ago. I just don`t get this shaking your hips stuff, I`m so horrible in it.”

“Well, of course I can teach you, but it has been six years since the last time I have been in a lesson.”

“But you have danced after that.”

“Yes, well,when I get the chance to do so.” Michael admitted smiling. He tasted his wine. “When do you want me to teach you?”

”Now? If you have the time?” Kitty blushed and wondered why she felt herself like a 16-years old school girl.

“Lets put some music on first.” He said, and went to look something decent from the cd-shelf. Soon the Spanish music started to play. Michael drank his wine glass empty. “I need some encouragement.” He laughed. ”Alright then.” He walked over to Kitty, who rose up from the couch. “The hips are very important here.” He smiled, and placed his hands on each side of her pelvis. “Try to keep your upper body still and move only your hips. Tighten your stomach.” Michael guided her with his hands at first. “There you go, see, you can move your hips.” He laughed softly and winked his eye to her. “Try move it forward and then back, still not with your upper body only with your hips...You can tell me if my teaching is absolutely unnecessary and rubbish?” Michael asked, and looked at her.

“No, not at all, thank you for doing this.”

“Lets try together then, shall we? Just look at what I`m doing and copy my movements and listen to the music, the rhythm.” He placed Kitty`s hand on his shoulder and her other hand in his. His own free hand went to Kitty`s waist. “I move forward, you take a step back and well, you get the picture. And all the time, listen to the music.” Kitty`s heart was beading fast, she felt herself so clumsy. “It`s okay, no one can master this straight away.” Michael said smiling, after she had stepped on his foot, after so many times.

`Oh, god, this dance is like having sex...’ Kitty thought and licked her lips.

“Now, I`m going to bent you down, don`t worry, I`m not letting go.” Kitty could only nod her head, she didn`t worry, his arms were around her solidly. Michael`s face so close to her, lips only couple of inches away from hers. She looked into his eyes, beautiful brown eyes. Michael pulled her back up.

“Then you swing around and come back to me.” Michael straightened his arm and then pulled her back to him so that her back was against his front. Michael moved his hips and guided Kitty`s hips to move too. “You`re dancing really well Kitty.” He whispered with a soft voice. Kitty found it hard to talk, she realized that she was enjoying this dance with him way too much.

Sam came home, he had heard the music outside. He took his jacket off and came to the living room, watching Kitty and Michael dancing for awhile. He noticed the expression on Kitty`s face and guessed what was going on inside her mind. He knew his friend well. He shook his head and smiled. “

Kitty, are you trying to seduce my boyfriend?” He asked with laughter. Only then they both noticed him. Kitty`s face turned red.

“Hello darling, I was teaching Kitty to dance.” Michael said with a smile, and went to turn the music down. He really was clueless of Kitty`s small enchantment on him.

“Yes Sam, you see, I have that salsa class with Angela and I thought that if...”

“Right, the salsa class.” Sam said raising one of his eyebrow. Michael came to him and cave him a kiss.

“How was your day?” Michael asked.

“It was fine...I thought that since we all have the weekend off, we could go out tonight?” Sam suggested.

“It`s okay with me.” Michael answered.

“And you Kitty?” Sam asked grinning.

“Sure, it would be fun.”

“Sam...You don`t mind that we danced, do you?” Kitty asked, once she and Sam had gotten into the kitchen to get some drinks.

“Of course I don`t Kitty, as long as you don`t turn into a hot male, I don`t think I need to worry, even if you do fancy him.” Sam laughed and ran his hand in Kitty`s hair.

“Sam, I don`t...” Kitty started.

”Haha, don`t you even try to deny it Kitty. I saw the way you were looking at him; like he was some delicious piece of meat. I can understand though, he`s gorgeous.” Sam smiled and took one beer from the fridge. Kitty poured more wine for her and Michael . “How`s that bartender? Things haven`t progressed with him?” Sam asked.

“Well, we have flirted and...He finally asked me out to dinner with him!” Kitty smiled.

“Thats great! Well, good luck! It would be about time, for you to start dating again and perhaps settle down?” Sam laughed. “My, my, you have changed Samuel, now that you`re in a relationship yourself.” Kitty smiled and shook her head.

They came to the gay-club. Some of their other friends were there too, including Erick and Paul.

“Hello Michael, haven`t seen you in a while. How`s things going?” Erick asked once they had sat down.

“Fine, and you?”

“Alright, same old, same old.” Erick grinned and wrapped his arm around his lover.

“Have you heard anything from Jean?” Erick asked carefully.

“Well, today he came to my work with Patrick, but they were kicked out.” Michael grinned to this, but then his expression turned more serious.

“And a month ago, when we were at Nice with Sam, Jean was there with Louis and Felipe. I don`t understand how they could have find us there...”

“Be careful Michael, he seems really odd, promise me to be careful and do not see him even if he begs you.” Erick asked him. “Don`t worry, I have no intention of seeing that bastard ever again.”

“Kitty, lets take a tequila race?” Michael asked, wanting just to forget about Jean.

“Tequila race?”

“Yes, which one of us can drink more shots?”

“Um, alright.” Kitty answered hesitating.

“I go and get them!” Michael told her happily and rose up.

”Oh Kitty, I wonder what you said yes to...I Probably end up carrying the both of you home.” Sam sighted and smiled to her.

“Alright, here it is; salt, some lemon and tequila! At the same time Kitty; One, two, three, and go!” They spilled the salt on their palms, licked it and drank the tequila shot, after that they bite the lemon piece. They took another almost straight away and then the third.

“I don`t feel a bloody thing yet!” Kitty screamed and laughed and was about to take her forth with Michael, until Sam stopped them.

“Now, I may sound like some crazy person to you, but what if you both would just wait a little while before drinking any more?” He suggested.

“You`re crazy Sam, but alright! Lets go dancing babe! Then we shall drink some more, right Kitty?” Michael said eagerly and stood up pulling Sam with him

“Sure thing!” Kitty screamed as her friends were heading onto the dance floor.

Kitty looked at them, when they were dancing and it looked so sexy; two beautiful, young man, dancing closely, looking at each others with love and lust. It looked so fascinating to Kitty, it excited her. `I`m a straight woman and I get turned on by this? Oh, god I`m messed up, aren`t I? I have been without a man way too long, get a hold of yourself Kitty!` She thought silently.

Suddenly she was not feeling all that well.

“Hey...um...I think I need to go home...” She spluttered and stood up, her legs were shaking and her head was spinning. `Damn, deceitful tequila.` She thought.

“You`re not leaving alone, not in that condition, it`s not save. I`ll see you home safely with Paul.” Erick said and took her hand. “Paul dear, would you go and tell Sam and Michael that we are leaving?” Kitty felt relieved, she knew that it would be a risk to walk home by herself, she would be in no condition to defend herself if needed. With Erick and paul she would be save. “Thank you Erick, thank you Paul...I`m so sorry.” She managed to say and she looked once more to the dance floor. Sam looked back at her with worry, but he smiled when he saw that his friend was helped by Erick.

“Poor Kitty, the tequila must have really got to her.” Sam whispered to Michael. He grinned and then continued.

“How are you holding up love?” Michael laughed.

“I`m just fine, just a wee bit drunk, but I`ll manage.”

”A wee bit drunk?”

“Well, the wee part is a proportional thing...but as I said I`ll manage, I still hear the voice of sense, well, I almost hear it...” Michael whispered.

“When I was younger, me and my friend Tony had tequila races.” Michael explained.

“Really, how old were you?”

“Well the first time was at sixteen.”

“Where the hell did you get the booze?”

“Tony`s elder brother...we stole...” Michael grinned.

“…And I always won.” “Didn`t he ever noticed?”

“Yes, one time he found us in Tony`s room, drunk as a dogs, but he only said that the next time we would need something, we should come and ask him straight...Now, I know that had it been just Tony alone, there would have been a hell loose, but since I`m so charming...” Michael grinned. “...He was really nice about it.”

In the middle of their dance, Michael`s body tensed all of a sudden. He was trembling a bit.

“Michael, what`s wrong?”

“Jean...Patrick…They`re here.” Michael whispered.

“Oh, you got to be shitting me...” Sam sighed and looked over at the same direction that Michael did. He looked straight at Jean, who sneered at them. “Lets go?” Sam asked.

“We can`t let them scare us away from here, lets go back to our table.” Michael took Sam`s hand in his and they walked away from the dance floor.

Jean moved to sit closer to their table, keeping his eyes at Michael the whole time. He licked his lips in allusive manner, enjoying to see the self-conscious expression on Michael`s face. Michael squeezed Sam`s hand hard without realizing, it felt hard to breath.

“Hey, lets just go honey, you`re not feeling well here.” Sam said and rose up. Michael looked at him and then nodded. They said their goodbye`s to their friends and left. Michael looked back at his ex once more, seeing the smile of triumph on his face.

Michael was feeling much better once they had gotten outside. The air was fresh and slightly chill.

“I feel up to some snack, a hamburger!” He told happily.

“Well, we could go into a McDonald`s and after that home to bed.” Sam smiled.

“But I`m not tired, not at all...Lets go for a walk after that, please honey?”

“Well, if you like, it`s just that you drank so much today, I wonder will you manage to walk okay.” Sam grinned and held him close as they were walking.

“I can walk just fine, I`m not sleepy and I`m not that drunk.” Michael assured.

“Well, you are pretty drunk, trust me. But if you say that you can and that you want to, then I believe you.” Sam laughed.

“And you`re not drunk Sam?” Michael asked grinning.

“Well, I for one, didn`t drink three tequila shots one after another! You must be feeling great tomorrow.” Sam laughed.

“But I have been practicing!” Michael tried.

“Yes, when was the last time you drank like this? Six years ago?”

”Yes but, I was able to drink much more then and I was a lot younger and weaker.” Michael said, not mentioning how often those nights ended up in vomiting and how the next day, he had felt so ill that he couldn`t get up from bed all day.

“Alright, alright.” Sam smiled.

They came to the hamburger restaurant. Sam looked at Michael with a smile on his face, as Michael was eating.

“It feels odd to eat, when you`re staring at me like that, I feel stupid.” Michael said and grinned.

“I`m sorry, I can`t help myself. Alright I`ll try to look elsewhere.” Sam turned to look at the other side of the restaurant and his head was spinning all around the place, in every direction but to Michael`s. It made Michael laugh.

“I didn`t mean quite this either.” He said and Sam`s gaze returned to him.

“I can tell from your eyes how drunk you are, although I must admit, you do an excellent job in trying to speak normally.” Sam sneered. He took his hand in his and stroked the skin with his thumb.

“You have such a beautiful hands too, prettiest hands I`ve ever seen.” Sam said staring at them.

“Aw, and who was it that`s drunk again?” Michael laughed. “Alright lets go, I´m done.” He said then and jumped up from the table.

They walked along the side of the river; Seine, the night was really beautiful. They stopped to kiss. Few people, that passed by, looked at them in a depreciating manner. Sam looked back at them, almost as evilly, especially an elderly couple, who looked at them quite long shaking their heads.

“What are you looking at? Enjoying the show?!” Sam asked and the couple continued walking quickly past them. Michael laughed and pulled Sam into another kiss.

“We are shocking the old Parii...” He whispered.

“Do you care?”

”No, I only care about you.” Michael whispered.

“Oh God, how I love you.” Sam sighed. “I LOVE YOU MICHAEL HARRISH!” He screamed as loud as he could and kissed him with passion.

“You`re crazy, but I love you too Samuel Grey.” Michael said and squeezed Sam even closer to himself, the cold breeze of the beginning fall sweep past them. Michael opened his eyes and looked at the beautiful scenery around them. `Something is coming.` A distant voice in his mind told him, but he didn`t want to hear it, nor did he want to see what lied ahead, in the darkness, waiting, lurking. No, he only wanted to keep that happiness forever.

Chapter 23.

"When the darkness falls,
and I can not see you by my side,
when I`m in pain,
when all hope seems lost,
I remember you, I remember us,
and I shall not fear,
I shall not give in,
I shall not brake,
I`ll find the light,
I`ll find you once more,
and I`ll know that you`ll wait,
I`ll know that I have your love..."


After the club night, Michael had received one message from Jean, that said; “I`m sorry about everything that I have caused you. I know that I don`t deserve your forgiveness, but I hope that we could at least talk. I want to apologize to you in person. Please Michael, consider this, come by here to see me some evening, lets talk, just the two of us?” Michael had read his message, and it didn`t take him long to know what his answer would be. “I don`t know, how stupid you think I am, but that is what I indeed would be, if I would come to meet you by myself. I can never forget about what you did. I do not want to see you ever again. I hope that you understand this, and I hope you`ll get some help, because you`re obviously not well. Just leave us be Jean, that`s all that I`m asking of you.”

After that, they had not heard a word from Jean, or seen any sight of him, just as Michael had wished. They both felt extremely relieved. `Perhaps everything will be okay, after all?` Michael had thought when everything had seemed to be okay. The september passed by and they were more happier with Sam than ever. Whit each passing day they became even closer and they told each others everything. Sam was surprised, of how the love, that had been strong in the beginning seemed to grow even stronger with the time. Every time he thought that he could not possibly love him any more than he already did, he had to be surprised. They could lie in each others arms for hours; talking, making love, caressing. Everything was perfect, perhaps it had been a little too perfect?

10.2.2003

Michael came to the gym with Kitty, the same gym where Sam worked. They often trained there
together.

“How are things going with that Irish fellow?” Michael asked her with a grin on his face, as they were working out.

“Fine, he`s great and so funny! He comes with us tomorrow, when we go out, you meet with him then.” Kitty said and smiled. “That`s great Kitty, can`t wait to meet him.”

“Have you called your parents yet? You have talked about it for so long.” Kitty asked.

“No, not yet, but I`ll do it tomorrow I have decided...Oh god, I haven`t got a clue of what to say to them. I mean what do you say to you family after six years of missing? I guess I`ll think of something when I hear their voices, what do you think Kitty? Do you have any ideas?” Michael asked looking at her.

“I`m sure that you`ll find the right words, believe me.” Kitty said with an encouraging smile.

“Well, I hope so.”

After one and a half hours of training,they decided to leave home. Michael went to say his goodbye`s to Sam.

“Oh, I wish I could leave home with you guys, but no can do. I still have one spinning class to run and then some paper work to finish.” Sam sighted.

“Well, I see you when you get home love. I`ll make something good for supper, once you get home.” Michael smiled and cave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Alright, see you then, I`ll be home around 9.30pm.” Sam told him and smiled back.

“See you soon then, bye!”

Michael went to the locker room to shower and change his clothes. Then he came to the lobby where Kitty was waiting for him. “I can give you a lift home if you like?” Kitty said as they were walking out.

“I wouldn`t want to bother you all the time, with you having to drive me home. I can take the subway and walk from there, the fresh air would do me good. Thanks for the offer though.” Michael cave her a smile

. “Michael, honestly, it`s no big trouble, I like giving you a lift.” Kitty told him. Michael noticed the slight blush on her face. “Well, why don`t I come to your place and walk from there, I think it`s a shorter walk after all.” Michael suggested.

“Alright.” Kitty said and smiled. They walked over to the car.

“Would you want to come in for some tea or coffee?” Kitty asked, once they had arrived by her home.

“Maybe some other time. I don`t think I`m any good company right now, I`m so tired and besides I have to make some supper for Sam, poor little rich boy, can`t do it himself.” Michael said and grinned, he took his bag from the backseat of the car. Kitty laughed softly.

“Well, it`s a good thing that he has you. See you tomorrow!” Kitty smiled.

“Of course, tomorrow then. Bye!”

"Bye!"

Michael hadn`t walked for long when he started to feel as if, someone or something was following him, but he thought that it was just his over active imagination that had taken over him. But the feeling only grew, the longer he had walked. He looked around himself starting to feel scared, but he couldn`t see anyone in the darkness. When Michael turned to one more secluded alley, the one he had always been slightly afraid of, he realized that he was indeed being followed. The car drove behind him with low speed. He hurried his steps, not daring to look back. Some old childhood story returned to his mind; `The evil will get you, if you look back.` He thought and couldn`t shake that thought out.

“Hey Mike, going somewhere?” He almost froze as he heard that voice, that scaring and familiar voice, he didn`t want to believe his ears. His breathing became tense, his heart was beading wildly. `No, it can`t be, please don`t let it be him...` Michael turned to the voice, shaking from fear. The car had stopped, the headlights dazzled his eyes. The door opened slowly, then he saw Ricky. Michael sighted in despair, momentarily paralyzed from the fear. For a moment he couldn`t too anything but to stare at his sneering face, without the ability to move or speak.

“You thought that you could run from me forever, did you?” Ricky asked grinning with a devil like expression. The man took few steps towards him and it made him awake from his shock. `Run Michael, run.` The voice inside his mind told him. Michael tossed his bag on the ground, knowing that it would only slow him down, and then he started to run, as fast as he could.

He heard the running sound coming from behind him, he heard how the second door had opened and there was now a second man behind him as well. His muscles were tired, he was tired, but he had to run, he couldn`t let them catch him. Ricky, however, was too fast for him. He was right behind him; he gripped the back of his jacked, pulled him back and then he got him into a better hold. He was pulled against Ricky`s chest, the arm tightly around his waist, other hand went against his mouth, keeping him from screaming. Michael tried to squirm his way out, he tried to bite Ricky`s hand and to do anything and everything that would help him free. But the other man soon reached them and helped Ricky to keep his hold on him and drag him towards the car.

He was forced inside the dark delivery van. The other man; a big, bald man, with tattoos, held him down as Ricky gagged him with a scarf. Other scarf was wrapped around his eyes, so he could not see anything. The man who held him, was almost twice his size, and Michael couldn`t brake free no matter how much he tried. The scarf suppressed his screams into nothing more than mumbling. The back doors closed and the car started.

The man opened his jacked and moved his rough hand under his shirt, on his soft skin.

“Mmm...A handsome boy this one is.” The man hissed with a Yankee accent. His hand touched and searched his unwilling body.

“Indeed he is, a rare treat we have here.” Someone else laughed somewhere close. Michael tried to move, he was so scared, the hand continued to touch him in places that he had no right to touch, only Sam and himself had that right. Michael guessed that he was back there with these two and that Ricky was driving the car. The unknown man started to get a bit to excited, Michael could feel his growing erection and he whined quietly, still trying to move away from him with no succeed.

“Try to hold yourself down Dan, it`s not the time for that, not yet.” The other man said and laughed then. The car drive seemed like forever.

**************

Sam came home from work, he opened the door to his house and was surprised to meet with the darkness and the quietness. He searched the light switch and turned the lights on.

“Michael?” He called taking his coat off. There was no answer. He searched the dark apartment, turning more lights on, but there was no sign of his lover. The bad feeling and the scary thoughts started to fill his mind. He came back to the hall and saw that Michael`s coat was indeed missing. He took his cell phone and tried to call him. It rang like normally at first, but then turned to engaged. Sam tried to call the second time and this time the recorded voice said that they could not connect to the called number and he should check the number or try to call back later. Sam was feeling even more scared now.

“Where are you?” He wondered out loud.

He then called to Kitty.

”Hello.” She answered, with tired voice.

“Hey Kitty, is Michael there?” He asked.

“No, he went to your home.” Kitty answered, little surprised of why he should ask that.

“Well, I`m home now, but he`s not here. When did you see him last?” Sam asked with a nervous voice.

“We left the gym, drove here, I asked if he would want to come to my place for some tea, he said no, that he was feeling too tired and that he would go straight home to make you some supper.” Kitty told him.

“Why couldn`t you drive him here?!” Sam snapped.

“Because he wanted to walk!” Kitty snapped back, she didn`t like the accusing voice of Sam.

“I`m sorry Kitty, I`m just so worried, he should be home by now.” Sam sighted.

“I understand Sam, it`s alright. I`m sure that he`s okay, maybe he just stopped by some friend of his, Erick perhaps?” Kitty suggested, knowing how unlikely that was, she just didn`t want to believe that something bad would have happened.

“I hope so, I`ll call him. But the strange thing is, that I tried to call Michael just a moment ago, but it was cut off.”

“Maybe his battery ran out?” Kitty suggested.

“But he usually always tells me if he`s going somewhere, he knows that I`ll worry, why wouldn`t he tell me his where abouts now?”

“I don`t know Sam, it`s strange, I admit. Call me if you hear anything?” Kitty asked him, she was really starting to worry too. “I call you in the morning, good night.”

“Alright, good night.”

After he had finished the call, he tried Erick.

“Oui?” The man answered.

”Hey Erick, it`s Sam, have you heard anything from Michael?”

“No, I haven`t, how come you`re asking?”

“Well he left from the gym a couple of hours ago and he hasn`t come home yet. Kitty said that he was heading this way though.” Sam explained.

“And you have tried to call him?” Erick asked, with worry in his voice.

“Yes, but I couldn`t reach him.” Sam`s voice started to brake. “Oh god, something horrible must have happened...” Sam sighted.

“I must admit that this dosn`t sound good. Jean might have something to do with this, I call him and then back to you.”

When Jean didn`t answer Erick was beginning to feel convinced that it was indeed him, who had something to do with Michael`s disappearance. He drove to Jean`s apartment to check the situation there, but when he rang the doorbell, no one answered and the place seemed dark and quiet. Erick rang back to Sam.

“Jean isn`t home either and he wont answer to his phone, I think it`s time to inform the police about this. I came to pick you up, lets go to the police station together.”

They walked over to the officer on duty.

“We would like to report a missing person.” Erick told him, after seeing the absent, shocked expression on Sam`s face. “Name? Age? How long has he been missing?”

“Michael Harris, 23, about four hours.” Sam answered.

“That`s not a very long time...What is your connection to the missing person?” The slightly over weighted officer, who was around his forty`s, asked.

“He`s my boyfriend, we live together.” Sam answered and was waiting for the surprised expression that usually followed, this time however, no sign of such appeared on the mans face.

“This wouldn`t happen to be about some relationship argument, would it? In that case, you should just wait home, I`m sure that he comes back home, once he has calmed down.”

“No, that`s not what this is about. I know something bad has happened, he...” Sam started with a nervous and fierce voice. “Just calm down sir, and tell me what exactly has happened? In which circumstance did he leave? Why do you believe that your boyfriend is in danger?” The officer asked with a calm voice.

“He left from my work place about four hours ago, with our friend. I myself had still work to do and I stayed there. He told us that he was going straight home, because he was tired. He got a lift from my friend to her house and from there he started to walk home, which is about three and a half kilometers away, but he never got there. I arrived home at 9:35pm When I didn`t find him there, I tried to call him, but it was cut off before he even answered. After that I called my friend that had left with him and then to Michael`s friend Erick, meaning him.” Sam looked at Erick and then to the officer.

“Have you called to every friend of his and hospitals etc.?” The officer asked, writing things down.

“Yes, I have.” Sam told him.

“We have a reason to believe that Michael`s ex, would have something to do with this. He wasn`t home either when I checked. They broke up in bad terms, Jean was very jealous of Michael, and he acted violently towards him, when they were together.” Erick said then.

The officer looked up from his papers.

“Usually, when a grown up, in good physical health goes missing, we wait. It`s a very huge possibility that he just wants sometime in private and comes back after he has gotten that.” He said.

“You`re not listening! I know that he`s in danger, that fucking ex of his, has been stalking him and...He needs our help now!” Sam shouted in despair.

“Stalking did you say? What is this mans full name? This ex boyfriend?”

“Jean Parouxe” Erick answered.

“I need full description of the missing person, and his photograph.” Sam handed him the photograph he had taken with him from the apartment. It was taken a month before, Michael was sitting on the couch and smiling. Sam remembered the day clearly and the good memory`s made his heart ache.

“Good and now some other information of him; Height? Weight? The color of his hair and his eyes, as they are now?” “180cm, around 73kg, brown hair and brown eyes.” Sam told him.

“What was he wearing?” Sam remembered clearly, all he had to do was close his eyes and he could see him clearly in his memory.

“Blue jeans, slightly outworn pattern in the front, black sneakers, dark grey jacket and under it he had a white knitwear shirt.” “How about his health? Any diseases?”

”Good, no illnesses.”

“I need to know the route that you think that he might have used and then more information about this Mr. Parouxe. If you hear anything from your friend you need to let us know. The detailed search of him, will start tomorrow, if there is no sign of him until then.”

Sam was opening his mouth in attempt to protest.

“Sir, I`m very sorry, but we have a lot of work to do. Paris is a big city, people are reported missing every day, and often enough there`s nothing serious behind these reports, people show up not even knowing that someone has searched them. We just don`t have enough resources to act straight away to all these reports.” The officer explained to them.

“Thank you officer, we understand. We are just worried and afraid that it might be too late tomorrow.” Erick answered and placed his hand on Sam`s shoulder, hoping to soothe him a little.

“I understand your worry, but do try to calm down, I can assure you that we`ll do the best that we can to find your friend, but at the time being, we need to wait...Alright then if I can get your address and phone number.”

**********

Finally they arrived to their destination, where ever that was. Michael didn`t know how much time had passed, but he knew that they weren`t in Paris anymore. He heard the doors open and they dragged him out and forced him to move forward with them. They came inside some building and kept on walking. Then they stopped, the man who had held him in the car, still held him in front of him, his hands tightly behind his back. It seemed to be impossible to brake free. Someone walked in front of him and then took the scarf away from his eyes. Michael blinked a couple of times and then looked at Ricky`s sneering face, with fear and anger.

“Well Michael, it`s been along time.” Ricky said evilly. Michael looked around himself carefully. They were in a living room of some large house. He saw Joe, Ricky`s friend who had been with Jack, he sat on the couch and looked straight at him. Beside Joe, sat a man, who Michael didn`t know from before. He was around his forty`s, thin and ugly faced. Quite near them, sitting on an armchair, was a man, who looked like Sam`s aged, in his mid twenty`s perhaps. He was tall, with big muscles, his hair was sand blond. On the other side of the room, he saw Jean. Michael looked at him the longest. He knew that he shouldn`t be surprised, but still he was that a little. After all, this was the man, who one time had been good to him, that he had thought to love him, it seemed like forever ago now, but still. Jean was looking back at him, hell, they all were looking at him. Jean`s gaze was so cold.

Michael`s phone began to ring in his coat pocket. Ricky took it out and looked at it for a moment.

“Your boyfriend calls...” Ricky taunted, looking at him. “...Don`t worry, I`m sure that he`ll get over you. Eventually.” He said and loosened the phone in parts. He took the sim-card from the middle and tossed it away in the fireplace. Michael tried hard not to cry, he didn`t want to give Ricky the satisfaction of seeing his tears. Ricky took the scarf away from around his mouth. “You can scream all you want, no one will come to your help.” He smiled cruelly.

Michael couldn`t say a word. He looked at every one around him, knowing too well what they would do to him and he didn`t know how to stop them. There was six against one; it wouldn`t be a fair fight, but it wouldn`t stop him from trying. The man behind him started to tear his jacket off. Ricky helped him, holding him from the front side. Michael tried to fight them, but it was useless. They managed to undress his zip-fastened over shirt easily too. Taking his t-shirt off, would be more difficult. Michael squirmed and tried to kick them.

“You have become wild, haven`t you?” Ricky grinned and took the pocked knife out. He brought it close to Michael`s face and this made Michael stop his fighting.

Ricky slashed his shirt open and teared it off completely. Ricky moved his hand on his naked chest and stomach.

“Now, just look at you, still so beautiful. You have even more beauty than before, if it`s possible. You`re so fucking sexy.” “Don`t touch me you fucking perverse!” Michael screamed and Ricky only laughed at him.

“Oh Mike, darling, how do you plan to stop me?” Ricky whispered, took a firm hold of his chin and kissed him with force. Michael squirmed even harder, and as the man finally pulled away from the kiss, Michael spat on his face.

“You`re disgusting!” He screamed. Ricky wiped his face and looked at him with anger.

“Do you think that you`re making your position any better if you act like this?” He asked firmly.

“Do you think that you can do anything you want to me and I would just accept it? Never!!”

“Michael...I don`t think you have understood this. You`re here now, I can and I will do anything that I want to you. What ever you may have to say to this, doesn`t count the least bit to me or to anyone else here.” Ricky said and the others laughed. Michael startled a bit, he felt the hot breath of his captor on his neck and he could feel that the man was hard. It caused him to struggle again, but they only laughed to his attempts.

Ricky`s attention turned to the necklace that Sam had given him. He took the silver cross in his hand and looked at it.

“I didn`t know that you`re a religious person. You think that God will save you from this?” Ricky asked grinning. Michael bite his teeth together and refused to answer.

“Darling, I don`t think that He will.” He said then and pulled the necklace off from him. It was thrown onto the floor, Michael closed his eyes and tried to keep himself quiet.

“Steve, take his shoes off.” Ricky commanded. The youngest man rose up, bend down in front of him and took a hold of his other leg. Michael tried to kick him, but the man succeeded in taking his shoes and his shocks off. “You don`t need those or much else clothing in here for that matter.” Ricky laughed and grasped his arm tightly, the other man loosened his hold on him. Ricky started to drag him forward to the other room in the back.

Once they got there, Ricky closed the door after them. He pulled him on the bed climbing on top of him very quickly.

“Now, just the two of us, like in the good old days, remember?” Ricky whispered as Michael squirmed under him. He was in panic, he was scared. He wanted away from there. He kicked Ricky and managed to rise up, he tried to get to the door, but Ricky caught him again. He lifted Michael up to his arms and carried him back to the bed and under him.

He started to open his jeans and pulled them of off him.

“You don`t know how I`ve waited for this, two long years.” Richy whispered. He held Michael`s hands tightly above his head and pressed himself against him, so that Michael could feel how hard he was. Michael screamed and tried to fight him with all his remaining strength.

“That`s it darling, fight for me, fight. I`m going to fuck you and I`m going to fuck you hard, you don`t want me to, I know, I understand, so fight, harder, you need to fight harder.” Ricky said with lustful voice, tightening his grip on him. Michael really tried, Ricky knew that he did and enjoyed it, it just turned him on more. But Ricky was a much bigger and stronger man than he was, he couldn`t free himself. He groaned in despair and from the agony of his failed attempts, he was tired, so very tired. He screamed, even when he knew that no one would care or come to rescue him. Ricky squeezed his neck and kissed him, he bite his lips, making Michael scream again.

“Stop, please, stop...“ Michael kept asking over and over again, knowing that it would be of no use.

Ricky took the handcuffs and locked his hands on the bedpost.

”Looks like I won, your chance to escape went by already.” He grinned and rose up from the bed, starting to unbutton his shirt. Michael took a deep breath, he was shaking all over. He looked at Ricky`s bare, hairy and muscular chest for a moment before turning his face away from him. Nothing could be done now, he could not free himself. He cried, not able to hold his tears back any longer, it wouldn`t matter anymore. Michael heard as Ricky opened his belt and his trousers. He closed his eyes and thought about Sam, he remembered how Sam had looked at him, remembered the feeling of his soft lips on his skin, the touch of his gentle hands....

Ricky moved back onto the bed and something inside him snapped. He began screaming again and struggling like he was possessed. No one else was suppose to touch him like that again, no one else but Sam. Ricky laughed.

“Do you really think that this is going to help you in any way?”

”I want to leave, I want go home! Let me go!” He screamed.

“Yes, I know that you want to. There now, cry, just cry my pretty little whore...” Ricky spoke calmly and his rough hand was moving on his body.

Michael could see his erect cock; it was hard as a rock already, and the tip of it was glimmering with precome. It was so big, bigger than he had remembered and he could remember the horrible pain that he had felt when the man had trusted it inside him, he was afraid of it. He closed his eyes, hoping that he would have been drugged, so that he wouldn`t have to feel so much.

Ricky turned him slightly over to his side and slapped his bottom so hard that it made him scream again, and it was only the beginning. He forced him on his back again and his legs apart. He spat on his hand on brought his fingers inside him, preparing him, but only his own pleasure in mind. Soon enough he positioned himself against his opening. Ricky thrust inside him with force and the pain seemed to burn him inside. The man grasped his hips tightly, so tightly that it would most likely bruise him. Ricky moaned and his noises made Michael feel even more sick. In and out he thrust, enjoying even more from his pain. “Mine...whore...so tight...yes, that`s a good boy...good whore...” Ricky kept whispering to his ear. Michael cried, the pain, he couldn`t think of anything else, but the pain.

And finally it was over, Ricky rose up from the bed. He looked at Michael closely as he was getting dressed. Michael looked into the emptiness, he didn`t want to see him or anyone. He was sobbing quietly.

“I hope that you said a proper goodbye to your boyfriend today, you`ll never going to see him again.” Ricky said with a cold and evil voice. Michael closed his eyes, those words hurt more than anything else. `Sam...I love you.` He thought and he could see his face clearly in his mind. Everything had been perfect, for that brief time he had been happy and he had been loved. Now it was gone, it was taken from him, taken away from them. He wanted to curl up in to a lump, he wanted the happiness back.

*********

Jean took his bottle, he needed to drink some more. He had watched Michael, when they had brought him in. It was amazing how handsome he looked, so beautiful and so vulnerable. He remembered the good time together, in the beginning, when he had started to feel something real for him, to love him. It was somehow a frightening feeling, one he had never felt before, a feeling he didn`t know how to handle. Then the jealousy had taken him over. He had seen how the others looked at Michael, you couldn`t help but to notice him. Michael was the kind of person, who walked into a room and turned everyone`s eyes to himself and no one could shine next to his beauty. He knew that compared to Michael, he himself was nothing, how could Michael then love him? But Michael had tricked him, he had made him believe that he loved him and it had been nothing more than a lie. That`s what Jean thought. Inside the beauty, lived an insidious creature, who laughed at him, cheated him with Sam, sleeping with him in his home, in his bed, both of them had laughed at him. Jean was sure of it.

No, no more would Michael deceive him. He had given him a chance to settle things down, but he had refused and thrown everything that they had ever had, away. So Jean had revenged him, the perfect revenge. He had called Ricky and told him everything and then they had planned this. He had followed Michael, knew which ways he usually walked, the places where he usually went. He had waited and planned. Then they had gotten this place for use, the old, country house of Jacques. He was an old acquaintance of Ricky, a man, who had never been a saint before, but one who hadn`t been a part of something as big as this before. Ricky had shown him a picture of Michael ,and after only a short time of consideration,he had agreed to their plan.

Jean had waited for this moment, this night. This was what Michael deserved, he was sure of it. That whore thought that he was something special, Jean had thought. But as Michael had looked at him, with those, big, brown eyes of his, full with confusion and fear, Jean had felt a twinge in his heart. He, however, kept the expression on his face cold. He wanted to froze the feeling that tried desperately to rise to surface and which said that he had done wrong. For a moment he had succeeded in it, but now, hearing his screams, his pained screams from the other room, all the old feelings started to come back to him. He felt guilty; the young man he had once loved, was in pain now, because of him and deep inside he knew that he really didn`t deserve to be so.

Jean lifted the bottle up to his lips again. He didn`t want to hear, he needed to remember the reasons that had leaded up to this. He remembered how he had seen Sam kissing Michael; on the beach, at the club, on the street as they were having a walk together, looking so in love and so happy. The times that he and Michael had still been together and even then,they had looked at each others;secret, wanting looks. He remembered it all and felt the secure jealousy coming back to him.

**********

From the police-station, they drove back the route that Sam thought Michael might have used. They both sat in silence, Sam looked at the scenery closely, hoping to see some kind of clue of what had happened. Erick was drifting into his own thoughts, he couldn`t help but to blame himself. What if, he would have told Michael the truth at the beginning? Would it have helped? He felt responsible of Michael, he had felt that from the start. He had picked him and Jean off from the airport and looked at this young, innocent boy, who had no idea of how closely his and Jean`s past were connected. Michael had trusted Jean and believed in every word of his, believed that he had wanted to help him with no strings attached. But Erick had known the truth all that time.

A month after Michael and Jean had arrived to Paris, Erick had talked with Jean in private. Erick remembered the conversation perfectly. “Jean, when is this game going to end? Shouldn`t you tell him the truth?” “This is no game Erick, it would be crazy to tell him now and you keep your mouth shut about it too, right?” “I`ll keep my word, if you promise me not to hurt him, I like that boy, he deserves better.”

“Of course I won`t hurt him, I care about him, really I do. I`m falling in love with him. It might not have started out like that, but now...every day I spend with him, is the best day of my life...That`s why, you have to promise to me, that you will not tell him about me and Ricky. It`s over, it`s the past, it dosn`t matter anymore.” And Erick had believed him, he had seen how happy Jean looked when ever Michael had stepped into the same room. Maybe he should have told Michael the truth however, at least when he had seen the first bruises on his face and on his body, but time after time, Jean had managed to assure him to keep his silence.

“Stop the car!” Sam shouted suddenly. Erick hit the brake, slightly scared of the sudden shout.

“What is it?” He asked in confusion, once the car had stopped. Sam rose up from the car, not saying a word. He walked down the dark alley, stopped and knelled onto the ground, there was something on it.

“Sam, what is it?” Erick asked. Sam rose up with the bag on his hands.

”This is Michael`s” He said and looked at the bag, with an odd expression. “It happened here...” He said then. He felt like he was shaking all over.

“Sam, lets go, we`ll inform about that to the police, there`s nothing more that we can do today.” Erick told him.

Sam returned to the car, looking somehow so very small and fragile, like he would fall in to pieces at any moment. He sat down and squeezed the bag closely against himself. He had never been so scared, his imagination ran to horrible pictures and places. “Fight my love, don`t give up, please don`t give up.” He muttered to himself.

Erick drove him back home.

“You`ll be alright now, will you?” Erick asked with worry as Sam got up to leave.

“I`ll manage.” Sam answered weakly.

”I`ll talk to you tomorrow. We will find him Sam, it will be alright.” Erick said.

“We`ll find him...we talk...night...” Sam said and closed the car door.

The apartment had never felt so empty, so cold, so lifeless. Sam walked into the living room, and sat on the couch of the dark room. He felt a lump in his throat, it felt hard to breath, his heart was aching. He felt as though he was drowning and he couldn`t get up to the surface.Nothing could ease how he felt, nothing and no one except Michael. He rose up, and walked over to the bookshelf. He looked at his picture on it and took it into his hand.

“I love you, come what may. Promise me that you`ll come back to me.” He whispered. He aalked over to the bedroom and laid down on the bed. He took Michael`s pillow, held it tightly against his chest. The pillow still smelled like him, Sam started to cry, he felt so helpless.
 

Chapter 24.

The first light of the morning sun shimmered through the curtains. Michael opened his eyes carefully, and for that brief moment, he hoped that he would find himself laying next to Sam, and that he had only seen a nightmare. But it hadn`t been just a nightmare, it had all happened, it had all been real and he was still there, in that house, in that room. His left hand was locked with handcuffs on to the radiator. He groaned quietly as he rose up to sit. He was feeling so cold. He massaged his naked upper body with his free hand and draw his knees close to his chest.

He had, had the change to go to the bathroom to wash himself, at some time of the night. Ricky had guarded the door while he was in. Ricky had let him dress his jeans back on, but nothing else, not even underwear. The bathroom was opposite the room, that he was in. He had hoped, that he would have had the chance to see his surroundings more, and to know exactly where the front door would be.

He tried to pull his hand free as quietly as he could, he tried to tear the radiator off, knowing that it would all be useless, but he had to at least try. He looked at the window behind him, if he by some miracle, succeeded to pull himself free, he could brake the window and try to run. He hadn`t seen the place where the house was situated, but perhaps there would be some good hiding places near? `Think now Michael, think.` He kept telling himself, trying desperately to think of a way out. He had get out of that place.

His thoughts run to where Sam was, he wondered what he was doing at that moment and he worried the most about of how worried his lover must have been over him. He didn`t want Sam to worry too much. Michael close his eyes, he felt the lump in his throat, he was scared and he wanted back to his love. He remembered all the mornings and all the nights in his arms, his soothing, gentle voice, the warmth, the kisses...Michael nipped his bottom lip, tears had began to fall down on his face.

He started to hear voices coming from the other rooms. He looked at the door, behind which they kept walking by, Michael felt restless. He wondered what they would do to him. `Maybe they will kill you soon?` His mind suggested, but he knew that it wouldn`t be over that fast and that easy. If they would just want to kill him, they would have done it last night. But death was what was waiting for him eventually, if he couldn`t find a way to escape, and how would they torture him before that? Michael began to tremble, he didn`t want to die and he most certainly didn`t want his life to end like this; being raped over and over again and then...He felt sick. He started to pray silently to God to save his life, and he hadn`t prayed in a long time.

Soon he heard how someone was opening the door and he became alert. He looked at the door closely as it opened slowly, then he saw Jean. He walked in, carrying a tray and closed the door after him. They looked at each others for a moment, not saying a word. Michael searched his face and his eyes. The feeling was strange; Jean who had once been so dear and familiar to him, stood there, seeming so strange and scaring now. He searched something familiar from his eyes and thought that he saw a climbs of the old Jean, the one he had once known.

“I thought that you might be hungry.” Jean said approaching him. His voice sounded gentle. Michael watched his every move. He knelled onto the floor, close to him. “How are you feeling?” He asked, looking like he would have wanted to touch him.



“How am I feeling?! How do you think I`m feeling?! Thank you Jean, I feel fucking great, and you?” Michael hissed with anger. Jean looked at him seriously.

“Don`t be like that...It wouldn`t have to be like this Michael, I loved you.” He said quietly.

“Loved me? You don`t know what love is!...You wanted to own me, that`s all. Well, that didn`t work, and here I am now...” Michael sighted.

“You cheated on me! I loved you and you cheated on me with Sam!...What was I suppose to do, let it by just like that?” Jean asked with an angry voice.

“My God, you still don`t get it, do you? You, always behind my back, watching every god damn move that I made. I only had to smile to someone else and you thought that I was cheating on you! What happened with Sam, it was just one kiss that night, I admit that, but nothing else happened, not before you and Patrick...” Michael fell quiet, taking a deep breath.

“You`re still trying to lie to me, I know that it was more! All those times, I came home and found you two, with red cheeks, laughing to something, and as soon as you saw me, you fell silent. There was always something secret between you two.” Michael looked at Jean, feeling tired. Jean was right in someways, but he accused him of much more that he had done, and what Jean had done was much worse.

“I could try to tell you the truth over and over again, and you still wouldn`t believe me, because you have chosen not to...Do you really hate me this much? Haven`t I suffered enough from your hands, or his?”

“I loved you, I already told you that, but you laughed at that love and cheated on me...You wouldn`t even talk to me, if you had, then...This didn`t have to go like this.” Jean said.

Michael looked at him shaking his head and laughed dryly.

“It`s not love Jean, can`t you see? It`s not love to beat someone, to put the other one down constantly with words, it`s not love to rape the other. I was blind myself for awhile, but no more...Love especially, can`t be turned off like that, that you can...Oh god Jean, you gave me to Ricky! After all that you know, you gave me to him...Can you not realize? He still uses you, plays you as his puppet. I can guess that everything in here goes by what he wants, and you and the others are just his mindless servants.” Michael said and Jean was looking very annoyed, but managed to hold himself down.

“You need to eat, here take some coffee.” He said with a firm voice and handed him the coffe cup.

“I don`t want anything from you!” Michael screamed and lashed the cup from his hand, so that the coffee was spilled on Jean. Jean`s anger grew.

“I was just trying to be friendly! Here you would surely need it, because trust me, you`re not getting it from anyone else, but I can see that it`s not good enough for you. Fine, have it your way then!” Jean snapped, rose up and left the room, slamming the door shut behind him.

Michael was breathing fast, he tried to calm himself down and for a moment he regretted that he had gotten Jean mad. After all Jean was right, he really did need all the friendliness that he could get here, but his nature didn`t give in that easily. Why should he try to please Jean, the man who had brought him into this hell? He looked at the tray that he had brought him; orange juice, croissants, fresh fruits... `I`m sorry for doing this to you, but here, take this splendid breakfast.` Michael thought somehow darkly amused by this, all that was missing would be a small vase, with red rose in it. He was hungry, he could feel it clearly, it had been hours since the last time he had eaten. His pride gave in for the hunger. He leaned forward and took one croissant from the tray.

***********

Sam hadn`t been able to sleep for the whole night, he sat in front of the kitchen table, drinking his fifth cup of tea. On the kitchen counter was Michael`s tea cup, that he had left there the previous morning. `If I move it, Michael won’t come back.` Sam thought, and it made sense in his exhausted mind.

He remembered the last morning together, they had slept late, almost to the noon. Then they had breakfast. Michael had leaned his back against the kitchen counter, his face meeting his, and he had smiled. “We could take some time off for ourselves, a small holiday and go somewhere.” Michael had suggested, sounding excited. He had lifted his tea cup up to his lips and drank. Sam had risen up from his chair, walked over to him and they had kissed.

“Where would you like to go? You can decide, I would follow you anywhere.” He had told him and kissed his beautiful neck softly.

“Alright...I would like to travel to Spain, I have always wanted to go there sometime, to see the town where my grandmother grew up.” Michael had told him, smiling.

“Spain it is then, warm and beautiful, sounds good to me.” He had promised. Michael had placed his tea cup down, wrapped his arms around him, raised his eyebrow and smiled seductively.

“When shall we go there?”

“When ever you wish, I can take the time off from work.”

“Hm... sometime in november?” Michael had suggested.

“Alright, then it is.”

“Mmmh...I think, I need to thank you somehow Sam...We could still make it, before you have to go to work...” Michael had hinted, looked at the bedroom and then kissed his neck. Sam hadn`t needed a bigger hint than that.

The doorbell rang and he rose up tired, he went to open the door. Kitty was standing there and she looked at him with worry. “Michael hasn`t come home yet?” She asked, coming in.

“No, we reported him missing last night with Erick.” Sam said quietly and walked back into the kitchen, Kitty following him. “You haven`t gotten any sleep, have you?” Kitty asked, pouring some watter into a pan and placing it on the stove.

“Well no. How could I sleep, when he`s out there, probably suffering, and I`m not able to do a bloody thing about it...” Sam`s voice was breaking, he sat down and Kitty sat opposite from him. “Sam I`m sure that everything will be alright, that we`ll find him, and everything will be alright again.” Kitty said bending her head slightly over to the side.

“Will it be alright?! What if it won`t be alright?!...What if...” Sam yelled, he couldn`t finish his sentence.

He got up, walked over to the window and stared outside. “Sam, I...” Kitty started, she had walked behind her friend and placed her hands on his shoulders. Sam turned to look at her.

“Can you not realize Kitty? It`s been hours since he`s been missing, in that time a lot of things have had time to happen already, too much things...Even if we can find him a life, what kind of marks this has already left him with? Michael has been through too much bad things in life, how much more can one person take?” Sam asked, tears had began to fall down on his face, making his eyes even brighter blue.

“Oh Sam, I don`t know, I really don`t know. We just have to hope for the best and be repaired for the worse. Michael is strong, just remember that. He`s a fighter, if anyone can pull through this, it`s him.” Kitty said, she had tears in her eyes too, she hugged her friend tightly. “Alright, sit down now and let me pour you some tea.” Kitty said with a gentle voice. Sam did just that. He couldn`t think about anything else, but his lover. He thought about what had happened and he thought about Jean. The sadness was mixed with the rage towards the man, who had taken away their happiness.

After he had finished drinking his tea, he walked through the apartment feeling restless. His anger and frustration kept on growing. He took a vase in his hand, looked at it for a second and then threw it against the nearest wall, braking it in to a thousands of little pieces. Sam fell onto the floor with his knees and cover his face, he cried without any comfort. Kitty ran to him and knelled beside him. She wrapped her arms around him and tried to comfort him.

“It`s so fucking wrong! I promised him that no one would never hurt him, I promised and I failed him!” Sam screamed.

“Sam, please don`t do this to yourself, you couldn`t have stopped it, you couldn`t have watched after him all the time...You did your best.” Kitty whispered.

“I could have...should have gone to the police earlier...I should have...”

”Shh…Sam, don`t think that way...The police will find him, they will find him, they just have to.” Kitty assured, partly to herself too. They both cried, Kitty sat beside him, her arms still around him. They didn`t say a word in along time, they just were there, giving silent comfort for each others.

*************

It had been a long time since Jean had left the room, Michael laid on the floor and stared at the door in front of him. He was scared of what was to come, and he knew that something would happen soon, something would be done to him by the time the day had passed.

The door opened and this time Steve, the youngest man of them, entered. Michael looked at him with insecure as he came nearer.

“You can go to the bathroom again.” He told him and knelled down to free his hand. He lifted him up, keeping a firm hold of him and leaded him out from the room, into the bathroom. Steve pushed him in and closed the door. Michael was slightly happy, if you could call that happiness, that he was allowed his privacy in the bathroom. He decided to shower again, he felt that he could never be clean enough anymore. The warm watter felt good on his shivering body. He had searched the bathroom earlier and couldn`t find any window or sharp objects that would help him. Well, they wouldn`t probably let him alone there if there was such things. He wondered.

Steve dragged him back to the room and this time locked his both hands behind his back. Michael was back against the wall, the corner of the radiator was pressing his back uncomfortably. Michael brought his knees close to his chest and squeezed his legs together tightly. Stave was still there, looking at him in a way he didn`t like. Steve touched his thigh through his jeans and started to move his hand to his genitals. Michael tried to squirm and get his hand away from him, but it was quite useless, because he could barely move. Steve pushed hid legs apart as he tried to close them, his hand was feeling him and squeezing him now with ease, his breathing changed, his eyes burning with lust.

“Stop it!” Michael screamed and tried to back away, only having the radiator to press his back even more painfully. Steve laughed, raised his hand on his face, his thumb caressed the skin on his cheek. Michael felt ill.

“You are a beautiful whore, really beautiful...”

“Fuck you! Keep your dirty hands away from me!” Michael hissed. Steve touched his bottom lip with his thumb.

“Such a pretty little mouth you have, I would think much better use with it, than talking back to us, with such dirty words. I think we will have that chance too, you would like that wouldn`t you? To suck my cock. Oh yes, I know you would, you eager slut...You`re going to get it soon, yes, you`re going to get some cock in your ass and in your pretty mouth...” Steve pushed his middle- and forefinger in his mouth, finger fucking him, Michael couldn`t stand it anymore so he bite down hard on his fingers and this made Steve scream from pain.

“You fucking slut!” He yelled and slapped his face.

”You better watch yourself from doing that again, or I swear you`ll regret the day you were born!” He screamed and held his injured fingers inside his other hand.

“But I already do.” Michael whispered and bite his teeth together looking at him with defiance. Steve looked at him, but didn`t say another word, he rose and left the room.


Michael leaned his head against the wall. He cried, they would rape him again soon, all six of them? He wondered and the thought was just too much to handle. It would be worse than hell. He was tired and hungry, apparently they were not going to feed him much, the breakfast had been hours ago. The room was dim, the sun had began to go down. `What have I done to deserve this?` He wondered. All his life, people had told him how beautiful he was, since he had been a baby, and now he hated it. “Such a beautiful child.” “A beautiful boy.” A strange people smiling and touching his face and his body with their hands. When he had been a child, it had been even more uncomfortable, he could never understand why these people had talked to him like that, and he hadn`t liked the way of how they had touched him. He had wanted to be just like the others. Nothing bad had ever happened then though, there had always been his parents; his mother watching over him like a mother hawk, and then there had been Tony, always by his side, protecting him.

When he reached his teen-age, he had suddenly understood the power of his looks, and noticed that it could be turned to his advantage. Just smile and flirt, he had thought when ever he had come up against with troubles, he had talked his way out of detentions and such. Even then at times, he hadn`t liked the way people acted with him. There had been many girls running after him and just one word from him and they would have opened their legs to him gladly, but all that just because of his looks and that he was popular. Had any of them cared about who he truly was inside? There was so much more in him than just his looks. Tony had known him, all of him and still liked him. Sam knew him and loved him, Michael could be sure that his love was deep and that he loved him for who he was, not for the way he looked.

He closed his eyes and thought about what his life would be like, if he hadn`t left with Ricky. `Why couldn`t I wait?` He asked himself. It had been his last year in senior high school, if he would have just endured that, then he could have left. He remembered the last time he had seen Tony. “I know you Michael, your not that though that every one thinks you are...please, don`t go.” He could hear his friends voice clearly in his mind, just like he had only heard it yesterday. “Michael Benjamin Wills, wait! God dammit listen to me!” He should have waited, Tony had wanted to talk with him and maybe they could have made their friendship alright again? `Why didn`t I wait?` He asked himself for the second time.

He had planned then, before everything had changed, that he would move to London to study as a chef or perhaps study history in the university. He wondered would he have met Sam there and how would their life`s be like if everything had been different? How would he himself be like now? In the reality, he probably would have never meet with Sam in that life, and in this, Sam was the best thing that had ever happened to him. This gave him some strange comfort. At least he had experienced the true love,the one he had always dreamed about. So the happiness had been short, but he had gotten it all the same. Sam had found him under everything bad that had ever happened to him and he still loved him. Not many could get over his past, what he had been before and that he had been raped. He knew how some would look at him, if they would find that out. He would try for Sam, he would fight with everything that he had left, because of Sam. They wanted to brake him, and to kill his spirit, but he would fight it. It would be hard, but he would try.

Finally he heard the door open again and Ricky came in. Michael looked at him, as he came closer and he knew that the time had come; that the hell would now truly begin for him. Ricky knelled down and opened the lock of the handcuffs.

“Alright Mike, time to have some fun, wouldn`t you agree?” Ricky grinned and lifted him up. Michael`s heart began to race, his mind filled with fear. Ricky started to drag him towards the living room, where he heard music and talking. The men were playing cards in front of the living room table, everyones eyes turned to him as they walked in. Michael noticed the video camera beside the couch, and looked at it with horror. Okay so this was going to be so much more difficult than he had thought. Then he looked at Jean, he had the same kind of look in his eyes, that the night of his birthday.

“I think it's your turn Jean.” Ricky said and pushed Michel in front of him. Jean looked at him from head to toe, enjoying from this situation greatly. Then he rose up, approached him, but still didn`t touch him. Michael turned his face away from him. “Mindless servants, did you say?” Jean whispered so quietly that only Michael heard him. Michael turned his eyes back to him. His breathing was tense as he was waiting with fright of what would happen. “You`re the servant, or better yet; the slave, our whore.” Jean continued wrapping his arms around him then and pulling him into a forceful kiss.

Michael tried to squirm away from him.

“Stop it Jean, please.” Michael asked.

”So now you beg for me? Why should I stop now, when I have had the taste of you?” Jean grinned and dragged him onto the couch. He shed him there on his back and came on top of him. He continued kissing him and shoved his pelvis roughly against his. Someone came to help Jean, taking a hold of Michael`s wrists. Jean rose up to sit on him. He started to open his shirt, the whole time looking at his face. Michael tried to squirm as Jean was undressing his jeans from him.

“No, no, no...” He kept saying, still crying. He felt even more sick as he knew that all this was being filmed, so that some other sick fuck could get himself off watching a rape video. There was so many men, how could he take it? It felt hard to breath as he was beginning to panic. `Try to relax, you`ll hurt more, if you won`t relax.` He tried to tell himself, but in a situation like this the relaxing part was difficult.

Jean rose up and undressed himself completely. His cock was hard, he massaged with his hand looking at his prey.

“You look so fucking sexy, you need this, don`t you?” Jean said and climbed on top of him again.

“Oh god, please no, don`t do this, please...” Michael begged them.

“I remember a time when you liked this, can you remember? You wanted it, you needed it...I doubt that Sam can give you what you need.” Jean whispered. Michael could only cry, a part of him wanted to yell at him, that he had never enjoyed sleeping with him, but the other part told him to be quiet if he wanted to live. Jean had taken the lube and was preparing him with his fingers, then he lubed his own cock. Jean was sitting on his knees on the couch and he lifted Michael`s hips up positioning his cock on his opening and started slowly to push inside, which took some time, because Michael`s ring muscles were resisting the intruder so much. Finally he was in, Michael was gasping, he tried to move away, but it was of no use. Jean was kissing him, making his lips bleed, he was fucking him, his nails dug into his hip, the other man`s hold on his wrists tightened.

Michael could see from the corner of his eyes that the other men were looking at them aroused, the air was heavy, he felt the pain move inside him. He tried to think of something else, tried to run inside his mind and into better memory`s. Finally he heard and felt Jean coming inside him. He was still laying on top of him and then grasped his chin.

“It`s not over yet whore.” Jean sneered and kissed him again. The man who had held his wrists released them. Jean lifted him up to his lap and held him on tightly.

The next man, the one who had held him in the car, that big, bald one, rose up and came to him. His trousers were open and he held his hard cock in his hand.

“Open your mouth.” He told him and when Michael didn`t do it straight away, he grasped his throat and squeezed it slightly. “Open it, or you`re as good as death.” He threatened him, and so Michael took his organ into his mouth. He felt as thought he would choke as the man began to rape his mouth, shoving it deeper and deeper. It grew harder and harder inside his mouth. “Yes that`s it, suck it, suck it good.” The man moaned keeping a firm hold on both side of his head. Finally he came, forcing him to swallow all. Michael almost vomited after this, but managed to hold it inside.

Soon Ricky came to him, pulling him up into a kiss. Jean rose up and Joe sat on the couch where he had just sat. He opened his pants up, taking a hold of his cock, when Ricky forced Michael to move his back against Joe, to sit on his lap. Joe guided his cock into his still slippery hole and then grasped his hips, Michael groaned, the pain was beginning to feel unbearable. Everything seemed so dark to his vision. Ricky forced him to suck his cock while Joe was fucking him. Michael heard as the others cheered to them and laughed. Ricky finally came all over his face and soon enough Joe came inside him.

His consciousness started to fail, as the pain only kept growing. It felt as though it all had lasted forever, everyone took him on their turns. The room seemed to shift in his eyes, their faces blurred to his vision. Finally it felt like he was just looking at it all from the outside, it was all so unreal. Finally everything became dark.

Chapter 25.

Sam hadn`t been able to sleep proper for the following night either, every time that he managed to fall a sleep, the dreams he had, were nightmares. In these nightmares he saw how Michael died, how someone called him that he was dead, Michael was about to be killed and he couldn`t reach him soon enough.

When the morning came, he walked through their apartment, like a ghost. He remembered him, and every good moment that they had had, and he wept. He missed him so much that it almost felt as though he would be dying from the pain of loosing of his lover. On the living room table, he found the little piece of paper that Michael had looked at so many times, so many nights, wondering should he call to his family. He opened the wrinkled paper and looked at the numbers written on it. It had only been one and a half day since his lover had been missing and he was beginning to loose it already, how it must felt like for his parents to not hear anything about their only child for six years? Sam wondered. He took his phone and started to dial the numbers slowly. The phone rang evenly, Sam`s heart was beading fast, he had no idea of what to say to these people.

“Hello.” The woman`s soft voice answered, just as he was about to hung up.

“Mrs. Wills?” Sam asked whit insecurity.

“Yes, this is she.” The woman answered.

“Hi, This Samuel Grey speaking, you don`t know me, but I call in behalf of your son Michael.” Sam said quickly, perhaps a little too quickly because he was so nervous. It was very quiet in the other end of the line for a moment. “Mrs. Wills, are you still there?” Sam asked and heard how the woman took a deep breath, sounding a little bit shocked.

“I...I`m still here.” She began carefully. “Just listen to me, if this is some kind of a sick joke, then...” She continued with nervous voice.

“No, I can assure you, this is no joke. I know it must be strange, that a total stranger should call you like this, but...I...I don`t know how to tell you this...I have known your son a little over a year now, he was planning to call you himself, but then he...” Sam struggled with his words.

“You are right, this is very odd...The last I saw Michael was six years ago, and I haven`t heard a word from him since, except once, shortly after he had left...And now you call me and...” The woman stopped before finishing her sentence, and started to cry quietly. Sam circled a pen in his hand and wondered what he should say next.

“I wish, I could have called you in more happier circumstances, or that Michael could have done it himself...The thing is...” Sam started.

“He`s dead?!” The woman cried.

“No! He`s missing, I think he`s been kidnapped.” Sam was finally able to say.

“ Kidnapped? Where?...Who exactly are you and where are you calling from?” Mrs. Wills asked in confusion.

“I`m his boyfriend, we live together, I`m calling from Paris.” Sam told her, and felt himself like an idiot.

“Who has...? I…I`m a little bit confused...I...” Mrs. Wills struggled to say.

“I want to invite you here, in Paris...I called because Michael has talked about it so much and...This is so hard, I don`t know what I should say...I`m sorry if I have upset you.” Sam said, and the woman was quiet for a moment.

“I don`t know how to take this news...In all these past six years, I have feared that my son has died, and now you call me, and tell me that you are his boyfriend and that someone has kidnapped my son...How am I suppose to know, that what you`re saying is true? How do I know that you really know my son?” She asked finally. Sam sighted deeply, before he began.

“When Michael was a child, he was afraid of the dark, there for, there was always a small night lamp in his room, until he got over his fear. Every night, when he was a child, you would tell him story`s that you had made up yourself, his favorite was the one with the wolf and a squirrel. With Angelia, Michael buried one of his favorite soft toys, because he didn`t want her to be alone.” Sam finished and heard how Mrs. Wills started to cry. “

You know him...” She said and continued. “We`ll be there, as soon as we can, I want to find him, I want to find my son.”

Sam was relieved once he had finished the call. Mr. and Mrs. Wills would arrive the next day, by train from London to Paris. He wrote down the time he would be meeting them at the train station. He leaned back on the couch and prayed silently, that Michael would be found soon and that he would be alright.

*********

The pain he felt, was something beyond realization. After that horrible evening and night Jean had carried him back to the bedroom, laid him onto the bed and locked his hands on the bedposts. Jean was sleeping by his side. Michael looked at him, feeling angry and sick. He looked at the room around him, he wanted to die, it just hurt so bad that he felt as though death would be the only relieve to that. He wanted the pain to end.

Jean started to wake up next to him, he placed his hand on his naked chest and he moaned quietly with pleasure. Michael`s whole body tensed of the feeling of his touch. He didn`t want it, not now, not ever again. Jean lifted his head up, touched his face and smiled. He smiled in a way that he had smiled at the time that they had been a couple, the time that they had still been happy together. It felt so grotesque to him. Jean tried to kiss him, but Michael turned his face a side.

“Michael, chéri, please let me kiss you...” Jean whispered. Michael shivered, he was on the verge of tiers. He looked at Jean with confuse. He didn`t know what was wrong with him. The previous night, he had been so cruel to him, the look in his eyes had been so devilish, and now, there he was, smiling, talking to him with soft voice, looking at him with loving eyes. Michael couldn`t speak. Jean moved his hand down on his body, and Michael startled from pain.

“You`re in pain, I`ll bring you something to ease that.” Jean said and was about to get up from the bed.

“What`s the fuck wrong with you Jean? Last night you hurt me and now...” Michael`s voice was weak, it was breaking. He looked at Jean, trying to find some answers from his eyes.

“I...I still love you, but then I remember you and Sam, and it drives me crazy from jealousy. I cave you everything and you refused me.” Jean answered quietly.

“If you would love me, you wouldn`t have brought me here, and you wouldn`t have hurt me...What do you want from me? That I would pray you to save my life, to pray you to save me again from him? Ricky keeps me here, as long as I bring pleasure to him, then he will kill me, I know this.” Michael said, and he couldn`t keep himself from crying.

“No Michael, they will not kill you.” Jean said, sounding somehow frightened.

“What then? Do you honestly believe that a man like Ricky, would let me go and take the risk of me telling everything to the police and have his reputation ruined?” Michael asked.

Jean remembered, all of a sudden he remembered everything and too much, things that he had tried so hard and so long to forget. Horrifying, nightmarish memory`s returned to him; blood that was not his own, screams, torture. One time Ricky had killed a boy, who had come with them, a street prostitute. Jean had asked him why he had done it. “Because I can, because I wanted to see how it would feel like, no one will miss him, he was just a whore...” Ricky had replied, and it had frightened Jean, too see him without any kind of emotion after he had just killed someone.

He remembered the last cries of the boy, how he had begged for his life when he saw what was coming. Jean lifted his hands on his temples, he didn`t want to remember, it made him feel sick. He had started to drink then, more and more, daily. He had wanted to numb himself and for a long time he had, he had forgotten, he had explained to himself that it had just been a dream. But now, what Michael had just said, made it all come back to him. The drinking had turned him almost like the same kind of monster that Ricky was, a person, he had never wanted to be. But those years that he spend with him, had changed him permanent, a part of him, the part that had still some goodness in him, was slowly beginning to die, he could feel it, and he didn`t know how to stop it. He sometimes wondered was he loosing his mind, it felt as though a stranger was taking over his mind and his body. He was afraid of himself.

He looked at Michael and tears filled his eyes. `What have I done? What is wrong with me? Oh God, please help me.` He thought to himself and ran his hand through his hair. This wasn`t what he had wanted, he had just been so obsessed with revenge, he had wanted Michael to suffer for the way he had, when he had loosed him to Sam. Now when he looked at him, his mind filled with fear, and sadness, he didn`t want Michael to die. What he could do to save him from that? He didn`t know. “Don`t be scared Michael, everything will be alright...somehow.” Jean said with insecurity. He rose up and left the room.

Only a moment later, he returned back. He had a glass of water in his other hand and couple of pills in the other. He sat next to him.

“Take these, it will help you to sleep.” He said then and supported Michael`s head from his neck. He handed the pills close to his mouth. Michael looked at him with insecurity. He saw the bewitched, desperate look in his eyes, he saw pain and inner struggling. A glimpse of a man he had known before, and who once had been good to him. `Perhaps not all was a lie?` He wondered, but was still scared. Inside those eyes, he also saw a man who had hurt him and who could hurt him again and probably would, if he couldn`t escape from them. He kept his eyes on Jean`s when he opened his mouth. He wanted some relieve to his pain, he wanted to drift into a sleep. Jean smiled to him gently, feed him the pills and helped him to drink the water. He laid his head down and stroked his cheek.

“Forgive me, forgive that I can`t fight myself better." He whispered and covered Michael with the coverlet. He stroked his hair and watched him to fall a sleep.

Michael didn`t know how long he had slept, he was feeling weary because of the sleeping drugs. He hoped that he could move and stand up. It was frustrating not to be able to move proper. Although a part of him wanted to die, there was another part that refused to give up. He didn`t want to die here, not like this. He needed to see Sam, even if it were for one last time, he needed at least say goodbye to him, he didn`t want his lover to be in the darkness of his fate. It would be easier for Sam to move on, if he would at least know what had happened to him.

He stared at the ceiling, starting to remember every crack and places where the paint had worn out. He heard how the door opened and expected to see Jean, but it turned out to be Ricky. His heart started to beat wildly in his chest. He stared at his cruel, unkind face; death seemed to be nearer then ever before.

Jean had tried not to drink that day, but it was hard, especially in those circumstances. He had wondered how he could take Michael a way from there, and save him from Ricky and perhaps from himself. On the other hand, he wanted to keep Michael with him and never let go. What if he would just arrange some other place for them? Take Michael somewhere in southern France, then they could be together, always, and before long he would win his heart and his love back. Jean wondered and smiled to this. `But does that whore really deserve it?` The other voice questioned in his head, and Jean tried hard to quiet it. “Jean, Ricky told you to go the bedroom.” Joe came and told him. Jean was surprised, he walked into the room with insecure steps.

Ricky sat on the bed and held Michael in front of him. He kept a knife on his throat and Michael`s hands were locked behind his back. Jean looked at Michael`s face, he noticed him shivering.

“Close the door.” Ricky told him and smiled evilly. Jean did as he was told. “I have noticed that you seem a bit off today Jean, it is as if your heart wasn`t in this anymore.” Ricky said and looked at him carefully.

“You`re just imagining, of course I´m still in this.” Jean answered trying to sound calm.

”That`s great, then we can have some fun, just the three of us, right Jean?” Jean nodded his head, he didn`t know what else to do. ”You want that too, dont you Mikey?” Ricky whispered to his ear. Michael squeezed his eyes close tightly as he felt the cold steel move on his throat. Tears fall down on his face. ”If I were you, I would answer more quickly my sweet English.” Ricky spoke.

”Y-yes.” Michael managed to say, his voice was weak, filled with fear. He opened his eyes and looked at Jean.

“Come onto the bed Jean, kiss him. Kiss our sweet little English whore.” Ricky ordered him. Jean thought it best to do what ever he wanted, that was the way it worked with him. He was afraid that Ricky could slash Michael`s throat open at any moment. On the other hand it would be unlikely, Ricky hadn`t had enough of fun with him yet.

He climbed on top of Michael and kissed him carefully. Michael didn`t dare to move or fight any of this.

“Well Jean, I think you can do better than that, that was a pitiful try.” Ricky urged him. Jean looked at his sneering face, annoyed. After that he leaned in to kiss his ex longer and more violently. Michael still didn`t resist him. Jean touched his naked skin, it felt so warm, and so smooth, Jean felt himself growing harder. He knew that it was wrong, what they were doing, but it aroused him all the same. Michael was more scared than ever before, Ricky could kill him at any moment if he wanted. The thought about sex, made him feel ill to, but he knew that there wasn`t no choice for him, they would rape him, they didn`t care. `You can take this Michael, you can...it will be over soon, just try to close your mind...` Michael kept telling himself. Jean was his chance, his only chance. He just had to trick him, make him believe that he loved him, and that he wanted him. It was his chance to get home to Sam.


Michael answered to the kiss, and it took Jean by surprise. He looked at his ex lovers eyes and tried to read his mind through them. The kiss felt good, like the time when they had been lovers. He kissed him again, almost forgetting the knife.

“That`s it, good boy, this is what you want.” Ricky whispered with pleased voice, he touched his face and then opened the handcuffs. “I`ll take these away, but if you try anything then…” Ricky said turning his face to meet his. He hold the knife flat on his cheek, and stroked his face with it gently. “I could hurt you really badly with this, your pretty face, it would be a shame really.” Michael nodded his head carefully and looked at the knife horrified.

”Now suck Jean`s cock, I want to watch you two.” Ricky said with hoarse voice. Jean opened his pants and Michael kissed his half erect cock looking at his eyes. He tried to hide his anger and resentment towards the man. His cock grew harder as he suck and licked on it. Suddenly he felt Ricky`s rough hand on his ass and he startled. `Not there, not again…` He thought as Ricky was squeezing him and his attention became very clear. Michael turned around and looked at him carefully.

”Let me suck you off, please.” He said, with a quiet, resigned voice, the kind which he knew that Ricky had liked one time. He touched his hard organ through his pants. He hated himself more than he ever thought possible, he felt so dirty.

“Open my pants, take my cock out.” Ricky ordered and Michael did that, hoping that he would be able to please him by just sucking, and that it would save him from the worse. “Spit on it.” Ricky said, his mouth was slightly open as he was looking at him. Michael spat on his cock. “Take it in your mouth.” Ricky told him and Michael did, he was crying, he couldn`t help it no matter how much he tried. “Deeper, take it in deeper slut.” Ricky moaned, Michael gagged. Jean moved closer to them and Michael tried to work his cock with his hands, hoping that they would both com soon.

Ricky pulled out from his mouth. “I`m going to fuck your lovely ass now.” He said.

“Please, let me just suck you, please.”

“Turn around.” Ricky smirked.

”Please no.” Michael tried.

“Turn around now!” Ricky demanded. When Michael didn`t do it, Ricky slapped his face and forced him to lie down on his back. “Hold his wrists.” Ricky said to Jean. Jean obeyed him. Michael screamed when Ricky penetrated him. He was still very sore after last night and it felt as though he could past out from mere pain. Jean had to close his eyes, he wished now that he had been drinking, when he was sober, he could understand how horrible this really was to Michael. His screams were braking his heart, but he couldn`t let Ricky see this.

“This feels so good, this is what you like you whore.” Ricky moaned, looking at his pained face. Finally he came. ”You’re mine, always mine, just remember that.” Ricky grinned and kissed him with force. He rose up from the bed. “Do what you want with him Jean, only limits are; don`t free him and do not kill him. I enjoy from our whore greatly, he`s even prettier when he suffers.” Ricky laughed and left from the bedroom.

Jean hold Michael in his arms. Michael was shaking all over and he cried. Jean stroked his hair soothingly. “It will be alright babe, everything will be alright…” He kept telling him. Michael wished that he could have been with Sam, next to him, in his arms. He hoped that this could only be a bad dream and they could just forget it soon. But he knew, that nothing would ever be the same, he would never be the same.

*************

Sam arrived to the station to wait the train that would bring Michael`s parents there. His mind felt restless, how would he get by with these people? What would they talk about? He wondered and tried hard to calm himself down. The train arrived to the station on time and peoples started to flow out. Sam held the sign up that said; Mr. & Mrs. Wills. Then he saw them, he recognized them from a photograph that Michael had once shown him.

He looked at the couple closely as they approached him. The woman was tall, perhaps little over 170cm, she was thin, she had dark brown hair, that she had arranged into a beautiful bun. She had a long, grey woolen material coat on, that admired her figure. You could have thought that she was a ten years younger than her true age. A true beauty she was. The man was taller than his wife, strong looking, he had grey hair that once had been black. He had blue eyes that had a tired look in them, you could see that he had been a very handsome man in his time. You could also see that Michael had inherited his looks more from his mothers side.

“Hello, you must be Samuel? I`m Evelyn Wills, this is my husband Henry Wills.” She introduced them. They shook hands. “Samuel Grey, Sam.” Sam said and shook the hand of Michael`s father. He looked at Evelyn`s brown eyes, that reminded him greatly of Michael, it pained his heart. “Did your trip went okay?” Sam asked then and took Evelyn`s bag to carry.

“Thank you, the trip went fine.” She said and smiled weakly. Even her smile reminded him from Michael. They were all a little bit unease, the conversation seemed forced.

They came to Sam`s apartment.

“You can sleep here if you like, there is plenty of room.” Sam said and dropped the bags down.

“Thank you, you have a really lovely home.” Mrs. Wills said and walked into the living room. Mr. Wills and Sam followed her. Evelyn had stopped in front of the bookshelf and looked at the numerous photos on it. He took one in her shaking hands. She had tears in her eyes.

“Oh my God, it really is him, he`s grown so much and still…” She began with trembling voice. “He look so happy in this.” She said and looked at Sam, smiling through her tears.

“Could I get you something? Coffee, tea, something to eat?” Sam asked and tried to smile back to her.

“I wouldn`t mind having a cup of tea, please.” Evelyn answered.

“And for you sir?” Sam asked.

”Tea would be fine, thank you.” He answered and sat down with his wife. She was still looking at the picture in her hand, looking at it longingly.

Sam returned to the living room with the tea tray.

“Has anything new come up from his disappearance? Who could have taken him and why? Where has he been these six years? What has happened to him?” Evelyn asked as she took the hold of her tea cup. “I`m sorry about all these questions, but…” She added then. Sam smiled to her with sympathy.

“It`s quite alright, of course you want to know everything possible…I just wish I knew where to start.” Sam said and looked at their expecting faces. “Michael disappeared three days ago, Tuesday night. We believe, that his ex-boyfriend; Jean Parouxe would be the one behind it.” Sam told them.

“A French man? I...” Evelyn started, not really knowing what she meant to say. She was still so confused about all of this.

“I think it`s best if I start from the beginning, what I know about Michael.” Sam said trying to think how much would be okay for him to tell.

“When Michael left, I understand that he was seeing some American. That was what we fought about only a day before he run away. That man was just too old for him, almost his fathers aged.” Evelyn cried out and looked at her husband, who stayed quiet.

“Yes, his name was Ricky, Michael was with him almost four years and they lived in New York together. He was quite violent towards him. Michael was afraid him too much to keep in touch with you.” Sam said, staring at his tea cup.

“We searched for him, we tried, we informed the police. And they did nothing! Not enough anyway, they said that it was like looking a needle from the hay swamp, that a person that didn`t want to be found, wouldn`t be easy to find...They should have done more, he was still so young, still a child, my child!” Evelyn cried and her husband wrapped his arm around her trying to calm her down.

“Michael regretted that he didn`t call you, there was many times that he was about to do so, but he was too afraid...Anyway, in New York, he met Jean and they arrived here two years ago, later we found out that Ricky and Jean had known each others before, meaning that they had been in a relationship of some sort before Michael had came into the picture.” When Sam said that, the horrifying thought came to him. Could Ricky be in this too? Could that man have Michael now? This thought scared him even more than thinking that it was just Jean behind it. He remembered all the horrifying story`s about this man, those that Michael had told him.

“What is it?” Evelyn asked, when she noticed his face paling.

“Oh, nothing important really, I just remembered something.” Sam said trying to pull himself together. Finally he was able to tell everything important to them. Jean`s jealousy, the violence of him and about his drinking. The next day he would go to the police station again.

The last of the day and the evening went better than expected, Evelyn had a great need to talk about her son, that she had been missing so many years, and Sam was happy to listen. Michael`s father Henry, seemed like a very serious man, you could read the deep worry and grief from his face, the things that had aged him so quickly. He didn`t talk much, he listened to them, walked through the apartment and at times went outside to smoke his cigar.

“This is Michael, when he was 5-years old.” Evelyn showed him some pictures that she had whit him. “He was such a sweet child, so warm hearted and kind. And just look at his eyes, my own little Bambi.” She said with sadness in her voice. Sam looked at the pictures with interest, it was nice to see what Michael had looked like as a child. At the same time, he felt sad, he wished that he could be there with them right now. “We got along just fine when he was a child, things started to get difficult when he turned 13. he was so stubborn. Had to do everything opposite of what I asked, had to be out late with his friends, well I guess that was just his age, teen-aged are like that....Then he started to close himself more from us, didn`t talk about what was going on in his life, like he used to. At 17, he told us, that he was gay, and me and Henry didn`t take that quite well. Michael is our only child, he could have had any girl, that he would have wanted, and I just always hoped to see him marry and have children of his own." Evelyn shook her head.

“It doesn`t seem like such a big deal now, what ever he is, or isn`t, he`s our child, and so very dear to us both. I just wish I could see him again…All those nights that I laid awake in bed, regretting all the things I said to him then. If only one could turn back the time, to make things right...He`s room is just as he left it, I always hoped that one day he would return to us, return back home, but he never did...” Evelyn sighted deeply and looked at Sam. Sam smiled to her gently and took her smaller hand in his.

“Michael knows that you love him, and he loves you too. We all say somethings sometimes that we don`t really mean.” Sam said soothingly.

“It`s funny, I always thought that it would be easier to raise a boy than a girl, that you wouldn`t need to worry so much from a boy, I guess I was wrong....”

Sam sat in the living room late in to the night. Michael`s parents were sleeping in the bedroom. He looked at the pictures that Mrs. Wills had brought with her. His attention was fixed on a picture where Michael was 16-years old. It somehow fascinated him. He looked incredibly sexy in it, so sexy that it was almost like a crime, for someone so young to look like that. He looked straight into the camera and on his lips was a self-confidant smile. His lips seemed to invite who ever was looking to come to him. His eyes held a look in them that Sam had never before seen; I`m young, I`m damn sexy and I know it, the whole world is waiting for me... Sam felt tears in his eyes, he just missed him so damn much.


Sam walked to the bookshelf and took a video tape from the lower shelf. He came back to the couch and wrapped a blanket around himself.

“Wait, okay it`s straight now.” Sam heard his own voice saying. Michael stood in Jean`s kitchen and poured more wine into his glass.

“Sam has a new toy.” He grinned and tasted the wine. “Although, I really don`t like those things much, they take your soul with them.” He laughed.

“This is a good camera, one that doesn`t steal souls.” He`s own voice answered happily.

”Well, in that case then.” Michael smiled, and walked into the living room, Sam following him with the camera. Michael sat on the couch.

“My last day as a 22-years old, cheers to that and for better years.” Michael laughed.

“To that then.” Sam answered.

“My, my Mr. Grey, I`m beginning to feel quite drunk and you haven`t even touched your own drink, are you trying to get me into a helpless condition, so that you might use the situation into your own advantage?” Michael asked with a very civilized British accent, until he started to laugh again.

“Oh, Mr. Harris, you saw my clever plans, what can I do…” Sam heard his own voice, the playful, flirting sound in it. Michael smiled, and looked at him like wondering something. There was also some hint in his eyes. That look had almost drove Sam crazy, he had wanted him so bad, but he couldn`t touch him in the way he had wanted then, not because Michael had been with Jean.

“Jean will come home soon, he can`t stand me when I have been drinking, can you imagine that? He can`t stand me...I just wonder who has to put up with who.” Michael sighted. “He doesn`t make me laugh like you do, I don`t feel any desire towards him anymore…Oh god, I have definitely drink too much for saying this... don`t ever show this to him, he would skin me a life.” Michael laughed a nervous laughter. Finally he had admitted, what Sam had seen so long. From that, Sam had had the final courage to talk to him about it, but it had happened the next day. At that moment Jean returned home...

”Bonsoire Jean.” Michael said to him.

“Ah, Sam, how surprising to find you here again...You have started the celebration before hand.” Jean said with a dull voice as Sam was filming him. Michael had turned his eyes back to Sam and rolled his eyes so that Jean wouldn`t notice.

”Is this the horrid man, who has my son?” Sam heard Evelyn`s voice asking. He looked over his shoulder and saw her standing behind him.

“Yes, that was Jean.” Sam answered. “You couldn`t get sleep either?” He asked with sympathy.

“No, I keep wondering where he might be…It`s so horrible, not to be able to help your own child when they would need you.” Evelyn sighed and sat down beside him. "I think you really love my son, and from what I saw in that tape, he loves you too, the way he looked at you...” Evelyn spoke with quiet tone and smiled sadly. Sam smiled back to her.

“I have never loved anyone, as much as I love your son. Your son is amazing.” Evelyn smiled.

“I know…Do you have any more videotapes of him?” She asked.

“Yes, I got few, you want to see?”

“Yes, I would like it very much.”

Chapter 26.

7.17.1988

“You behaved really badly today, didn`t I ask you to behave proper? To swear like that, and in front of the vicar no less. All in all, you have been acting quite impossibly this summer.” Rachel Wills ranted on to her grandchild, who stood in the guestroom, hanging his head down, looking as if he would be sorry, even though he really wasn`t.

Michael had been in the villages own summer feast, with his grandma and grandpa. He had played with his ten year old cousin; Tara, when some red haired boy, from her school, had come over to them and started calling names at her, making her cry. Michael just couldn`t stand seeing his cousin being insulted like that, so he had charged towards the boy and knocked him down and started to fight with him. When some adults came to separate them, and ask them, what was their fight all about, he had told them this;

“That bloody idiot, that shithead, he called Tara...I won`t repeat what.” And yes, the vicar had been there, and he had been horrified of his choice of words, as were several other adults on the scene. `I wish they had heard what that idiot said.` Michael thought, while listening to his grandmothers ranting.

“You will apologize to God, for all your sins.” Rachel insisted.

”Sorry God.” He said with tired voice.

“Not like that! You`ll pray, in a way that God listens, He will not listen to that. Go on, kneel in front of the bed and cross your hands on top of it.” She explained. Michael sighed and went into the position that she had wanted. He thought that it was just stupid. He was sure that the God would listen, without him being forced to be in this stupid position. Wasn`t God suppose to hear everything? Isabella had told him that, and besides Isabella was much nicer than Rachel and Michael was sure that she was more wiser as well. He closed his eyes.

“Pray out loud.” Rachel told him and sat on the chair near the door. Michael wondered what he should say.

“Dear Father, who are in heaven. I did wrong to day, I cursed and I fought. Although, if you ask me, that boy Tommy deserved it. You must have heard what he said to Tara? Well, anyway, I am sorry about what I said, and what I did...” He opened his other eye, and looked at his grandmother, who didn`t seem pleased with this. He tried to remember other things that she had complained to him about that summer, she must have expected for him to apologize those times too. “I`m also sorry that I didn`t eat those peas and asparagus the other day, or before. I just don`t like them, and I thought that I would puke if I ate them. Grandma said that I should eat what ever is offered, because there are a lot of children that won`t have food at all. That`s is really sad to hear, but I`m sorry if I am a bit stupid, I just can`t understand how it`s going to help them, if I eat my peas and asparagus? I feel fine without them, quite full enough I mean, wouldn`t they be happier if I didn`t eat them and give them to those who would want to eat them? Thank you, if you could answer this one for me, because I have been wondering about it quite a long time. I will, however, promise to eat them, if it really helps someone. Although I think You have a lot of other things to think about, then what to answer to this. Like wondering how we could give them the food, or how we could stop all the wars?...”

Grandmother didn`t seem very happy with this either, so Michael thought it was best to continue. “Three days`s ago I broke grandma`s inheritance vase, but it was an accident! I`m not usually that clumsy, but there was a terrible thunderstorm outside, and I got scared of the noise and the lightning, so I stumbled over where the vase was. I`m sorry anyway, I`ll try not to be so clumsy in the future, or if I crawl in the future, then I`ll try to hit on something not so valuable. Hm...What then...Oh, and I`m sorry that I called Kate O`Dwyer a fat cow, I was just mad at her, because she called me a Spanish bastard, who has no manners. I thought it was pretty unreasonable, because: a) I`m not a bastard. b) I do have manners, I just didn`t like that she tried to kiss me, and I made it very clear to her, and c) I`m the citizen of Britain, not Spain. Do not get me wrong Lord, I wouldn`t mind being all Spanish, but it was a not right what she said. I think people should think of a better things to say, if they mean to bother someone with it. I admit that what I said wasn`t very clever either, but what can one expect after the thing she said to me? Kate, however, is fat, but she is not a cow, not by word anyway. I hope that I`m not waisting too much of Your time with this, but grandma said that I should apologize, and I quite agree if I indeed have upset You. I`m sorry and I thank You. With kind and honorable regards; Michael Wills” Michael finished his pray, and looked over at his grandma with a smile on his face. She looked like she had just eaten a sour apple.

“Hasn`t your mother taught you how one prays properly? What in God`s name was that?” She asked and rose up from her chair. “You finish pray by saying Amen, not like that, and over all your pray was...”

“I`m sorry to interrupt grandma. I just thought that God might want to hear something different once and a while. At least I think it would be quite boring to hear the same lines over and over again.” Michael said and rose up.

“What in the world am I going to do with you Michael?! Tomorrow I`ll take you to see the vicar, you will apologize to him and then he shall tell you how to pray proper.”

“Alright grandma, if you insist.” He said disliking the idea with all that he was. He didn`t like the vicar, he was somehow a very strange man.

************************

Michael didn`t know why it had returned to him. For some reason, he noticed thinking of his childhood a lot. He remembered the day after when he had indeed went to see the vicar. The man had made him to read parts of the Bible out loud and at the same time, this odd man had looked at him closely, and in a manner that felt really uncomfortable. At times he had walked behind his back, and breathed on his neck. “Read this son.” He had told him and shown him the right places. The day had been long and dull. It had been beautiful and warm outside, and he had just wanted nothing more than to go outside and play. He didn`t understand why he had to read the Bible. He had just defended his cousin, why did they punish him for that? And he didn`t think that there was something wrong with his pray, why did everything have to be so serious all the time? He had only been 8-years old at the time. Now days it was beginning to be difficult to believe in God, or then He hated him very much and was the way that most people believed Him to be.

Jean walked into the room, carrying a tray. He sat next to him on bed, and placed more pillows under his head, so that it would be easier for him to eat. Michael`s hands were once again locked onto the bedposts, over his head. “You must eat.” Jean said. On the tray, was a bowl of soup, some bread and a glass of watter. Jean brought the spoon close to his mouth, and Michael opened his mouth and ate. He didn`t like this helpless feeling, having him feeding him, but this wasn`t the worse they had done, so what was the point to argue anymore. He was hungry, so hungry that he was tired to move or speak. He ate, because he wanted to survive. He wanted to go home and see his loved ones once more.

Once he had eaten, he laid his head back onto the pillow, he was exhausted. He looked at Jean with his tired eyes.

“What happened to us Jean? Why did everything change?” Michael asked quietly.

“I don`t know, you and Sam...” Jean started, and Michael was beginning to feel tired hearing that, but he had to keep this feeling to himself.

“I did so wrong Jean, I was just so mad at you...I shouldn`t have left you like that...You were right, he can`t touch me the way you do, it`s not the same as it is with you.” Michael said, and this was true, Sam couldn`t touch him the way Jean had, because he could never hurt him. But Jean would be stupid enough that he would think something else from what he said. Jean looked at him with confusion, then a tender smile rose to his lips.

“Really?” He asked and played his fingers in Michael`s soft hair.

“Really...Only you made me enjoy it, only with you, it felt good and right.” Michael said once he had closed his eyes. He was thinking about Sam in his mind, the words he spoke, were really meant for him, not Jean.

He opened his eyes and saw that the man was smiling to him.

“Do you love me Michael?” Jean asked. Michael had to close his eyes again and take a deep breath.

“Yes.” He answered.

“Say it then, tell me that.” Jean asked, his hand touching his face. Michael wondered why it felt so hard to say it, those were just words, but they were important words. He thought about Sam, keeping him firmly on his mind.

“ I love you.” `Sam` He added silently. Jean`s smile only grew.

“I love you too Michael.” He whispered and leaned in to kiss him. Michael felt sick. `Your love is nothing more than a sick obsession, mixed with lust.` He thought, trying to kiss him back like they had kissed before. He had to do this, Jean was his chance to save himself.

“I could take you away, we could travel to southern France, just the two of us.” Jean whispered, waking Michael from his thoughts. `Oh my dear God, it worked.` He thought, slightly relieved, but he knew that the game hadn`t been won just yet.

“I would love that Jean, I need you.” Michael answered, and forced a smile.

“I`ll try to think of a way to save you chéri, don`t worry, I`ll save you.” Jean said. `Save me?! You`re the one who brought me here, you fucking idiot!` Michael`s mind was screaming, but he managed to keep the smile on his face.

“I trust you, help me Jean, save me.” Michael whispered, and Jean kissed him again.

“Try to get some sleep, I`ll come back later.” Jean promised, rose up with the tray, and left.

It was evening already, and he was alone in the dark room. He hated the dark. He wasn`t able to sleep well, he was just too scared to sleep. Memories run through his mind, as an endless current. Fear and pain, happiness and love. He wanted back the former, but knew that he couldn`t have that. He wanted back the happiness, but didn`t have the fate, that there would be any left for him. Everything was gloomy and dark, endless suffering and fear.

The sort time, that he had slept, he had seen a dream, where dark, deep river, separated him from the beautiful meadow and the sun, where everyone, who had ever mattered to him were, everyone he had ever loved. Sam was the one closest, trying to reach him, telling him that he needed to try. He had tried for his lover, but could not reach him. Everything around him, had been dark, the shadows clutched on to him, not letting go. He couldn`t reach Sam, he couldn`t reach into the sun, and the warmth. Perhaps it had been an omen, he didn`t know. He was just so tired, and there were times, when his mind tried to convince him in giving up, giving up on death. He didn`t know where he got the strength not to listen, perhaps it was his love for Sam? Or perhaps it was a stupid, stubborn will to live, even though life had given him so much pain and suffering.

`Not everything was suffering.` He reminded himself, and once again he remembered his lover, and what it had felt like being next to him, what it had felt like making love with him. It was so odd, that the thing, that had brought so much pleasure with Sam, which had been so beautiful, and good, was here now, and had been before, the worst torture that he knew. `Life wasn`t always suffering.` His mind reminded him again. And he also remembered his childhood. He remembered the sun, all the summers, plays with Tony, the way Isabella had smiled, the soft voice of his mother, good night kisses, what it had felt like to fancy someone, what it had felt like to fall in love and be loved. `Everything was not bad.` He thought over, and over again. He needed to remember the good, he needed to hold on to that, so that he wouldn`t give up. He needed to see his family, and tell them, that he loved them.


The door opened, lights went on. Michael looked at Ricky, who neared the bed. He opened the handcuffs, and pulled him up with force.

“You didn`t think that it was over yet, did you?" Ricky asked with evil voice, and started to drag him out from the room. Michael tried to fight against him, but he was just too weak.

“We`re going to wash you up.” Ricky told him, when bringing him into the bathroom. He pushed Michael under the shower.Michael looked at him, anger, aversion and the fear filling his mind, he saw him holding a gun in his hand. “Better clean yourself good, right sweetheart?” Ricky grinned, playing with the gun in his hand.

“You have no heart.” Michael said with a quiet voice.

“Heart? What would I do with that?” He laughed. ”Mmm…You look good, so fucking sexy there.” He said then, touching his back, letting his hand to slide down onto his buttocks. It was no point to resist him. Michael let the watter run down on his body. He closed his eyes, when he felt him washing him with soap in his hands, touching him everywhere. He didn`t know, how he could take it again, the pain seemed to eat him inside. `Please lett this pain end.` He prayed silently and lifted his hands up to his face, feeling the water on his skin, it could be the last time he would feel it, he didn`t know. He tried to forget about Ricky and his rough hands and concentrate on the feeling of the warm watter.

Ricky closed the tap, took a towel and dried him. Michael let him do this, and then wrapped the towel around his waist, a faint attempt to protect his own nudity, that made him such an easy victim. Ricky pulled him in front of the mirror, standing behind him.

“Look up.” He told him. Michael lifted his gaze up, and looked at himself, and the face of the man behind him. His own face, so familiar, yet at the same time so strange, his own face. He hated himself, hated the way he looked like, the pride was forever lost. The distant, inconstant memory of his former self, looked at his reflection with pity. `You could have had anyone, and now look at yourself!` The brightness of his eyes was gone, he looked tired, a mere shadow of his former self.

"I still remember the night that I first saw you, you looked so high and mighty, and so sexy, I saw the way the others were looking at you and I made my mind that I would have you, that I would brake you, that confidence, and that pride... You`re so beautiful, and it would be a shame to kill that kind of beauty while so young, when you would have so much of that beauty left, many years still...” Ricky spoke, pressing himself tighter against him. He bite his neck with his teeth. Michael couldn`t say a word, he was feeling so numb inside. “Perhaps...hm...perhaps we won`t kill you, we could come up with something else...Your beautiful body, would give pleasure so much longer. Maybe will keep you, so good and sexy whore you are.” Ricky whispered. Michael closed his eyes. `I would rather die a thousand deaths.` He thought and almost said it out loud, but thought better.

“I hate you.” He said instead. Ricky only laughed.

“I know sweetheart, I know.” He said.

The memories filled his mind once more. He remembered his best friend Tony, his first love, those cool summer nights, together, out, drinking, having fun. All those crazy ideas they had had, all those dreams of future, that had broke, piece by piece, when now, nothing was left. `Tony...` Thinking about him, hurt the most, everything was still picture clear in his mind. The sound of Tony`s voice, the way he had smelled like, what it had felt like being close to him. It was odd, how some moments stuck to your mind so clear, for many years. `If you saw me now, would you even recognize me anymore?` The weak voice inside him asked.

Ricky`s lips pressed against his neck, his teeth, small bite, his hand under the towel on his waist, squeezing him tightly. Michael groaned quietly.

"This night will be so much fun sweetheart, how I will enjoy it.” Ricky whispered, looking at him closely through the mirror. Michael hated when he called him sweetheart, it was too gentle word coming from the mouth of such a monster.

Ricky leaded him out from the bathroom, not into the bedroom, as he first thought, not into the living room, but towards the hall.

“Where are we going?” Michael asked in confusion, and noticed his voice trembling slightly. They stopped in front of the dark wooden door.

“You`ll see.” Ricky grinned, when opening the door. The stone steps leaded down. “Go.” Ricky told him, and Michael took insecure steps down the cold stairs, Ricky was right behind him.

`The cellar.` Michael remembered the cellar in his home, and how he had feared the place when he had been a child, and when he had to get something from there. He remembered the dimness, and the food closet of the cellar. He had been sure that there lived a bogyman, who just waited it`s chance to catch him. He remembered how the door had creaked, when one had opened it, and even greater darkness had come against him. His small hands had tried to find the light switch, it always seemed to be too high up for him to reach. He had tried to lean forward, one leg between the door, keeping it from closing. He had tried to reach to the jam char, something had touched him, he had been sure of it. Panic rose.

“Mommy!...Mom! the bugbear is there and it touched me!” He had screamed and searched safety from the gentle eyes of his mother.

“Sweetheart, there`s nothing in there, you`re just imagining, our imagination sometimes tricks us.”

“But it is, the bugbear is there...it is.” He had told her, firmly believing in it.

“Oh my poor little bambi, do you want me to come down there with you and look?” She had smiled, and received a fearful nod for answer. She had took her sons hand in hers, and walked towards the cellar with him. Down the stairs, lights on. Then in front of the horrible door, she had opened it, creaking sound, lights on.

“Look sweetheart, there is nothing in here, no reason to fear. The darkness sometimes fools us in seeing and feeling things, that are not real.” She had told him with a gentle voice, stepped in further and taken the jam char in her hand. Michael had looked at her, and then into the food closet, that didn`t seem so scaring now. His mother had pressed a gentle kiss on his forehead and smiled. “Come now little one, lets go upstairs.” The light closed, then the door. Back upstairs, into the kitchen, but Michael still wasn`t convinced. The bugbear, must have been cleaver enough to hide from his mother, but she would protect him, all he had to do was scream for her, and the bugbear would be powerless.

But now, as he stood in this other cellar, he knew, he could scream as much as he could, and no one would come to his help. The lights didn`t help anymore either, the evil did not care, not anymore. He looked around his new surroundings, quite cozy for a cellar, someone would have said. The soft yellow light, couch against the wall, wooden couch-table, an armchair, yellow rag rug, above, near the ceiling, one small window; it was so dark outside already. There was also a small tv in there. Then he saw the video camera, and looked at it with disgust. He wrapped his arms around himself, and stood in the middle of the room, feeling scared of what was to come, no where to hide now.

Ricky came closer to him.

“Well, sweetheart, you know what happens? They say, that they haven`t had enough of you, that they haven`t had a big enough price of the trouble bringing you here. We have to fix that of course. This will be a long night for you.” Ricky smiled and touched his cheek. Michael startled, taking few steps back. Ricky however, came near again and took a hold of his wrists, his hold was strong.

“Let go!” Michael screamed. The will to struggle had awoke once more in his tired body. Ricky laughed at him.

“Let go? Oh Michael, wouldn`t it be easier to give up already?” He asked with amusement.

“I`ll never give up, never!” Michael screamed, his eyes lightening from fury. He fought with his remaining strength against him. Ricky pushed him against the wall, his head hit the stone wall, and a gasp escaped from his lips.

“It`s your choice, actually I quite like this when you struggle so much. It gets me so hard. That`s the best part of you, you don`t give in easily, many others would have broke a long time ago, but not you, not you pretty one.” Ricky spoke, his hot breath was on his face.

“You fucking perverse bastard!” Michael hissed. Wondering where had this fire to fight come from. Ricky only laughed, his laughter made him feel sick. He pressed against him violently.

“You would know that.” He whispered, and kissed him with that violent way of his, drawing blood.

Michael tried to kick him away, and soon Ricky lifted his head up, not releasing his hold on him. Ricky licked his lips.

“Your blood tastes good.” He laughed evilly. And then Michael heard the door open, steps echoing on the steps. Michael gasped, his body tensed from fear.

He looked at the men that had come down, Jean was with them. He sat farther away from the rest of them and lifted a bottle up to his lips. `You pitiful, weak bastard!` Michael thought, fear growing inside. Ricky pulled him to the middle of the room, and only then Michael noticed the shackles, coming from the roof. Joe hold him from behind, when Ricky lifted his hands up, locking them up. His position was anything but comfortable.The men looked at him for a while, Ricky grinned, came near to him again and pulled the towel off of him. Another violent kiss, Michael tried to take a step back, but running from him was impossible now. He looked at Jean, trying to plead with his eyes for his help, but the man looked away from him, like in quilt. Ricky opened his belt and pulled it off.

“Everyone who runs from me, get punished because of it.” Ricky said stepping behind him and Michael knew what was coming. He felt the firs stroke on his lower back and jerked, then there was another, and another. `I can take this, I can.` He kept telling himself, as the beating continued. Although he had promised himself not to cry, and that he would not beg, whit each coming stroke, it was beginning to feel impossible. That was what Ricky was after. His eyes were glimmered from his tears, he felt so humiliated, and the thought that this would only be the beginning of something worse, didn`t help at all. The moans of pain, escaped from his lips.

“Ricky...” His voice was almost a whisper.

”Yes darling?” His voice was cold, but pleased at the same time. The beating had stopped.

“Please...no more.” Michael hated himself, for saying that, begging in front of them all. Ricky circled him around, stepping in front of him, and lifting his chin up. There was a smile of triumph on his lips.

“No more? I knew that I could make you beg.” After saying that he released him from the shackles and Michael let himself fell onto the cold stone floor.

For a moment he just lied there, but soon the rough hands pulled him up to his knees. He looked at the eyes of the bald headed guy, with tattoos. The man kissed him, almost as violently as Ricky had done. His lips were burning, and he could taste the blood in his mouth. He started struggling again, pushing him away, and for his surprise, he succeeded in it. Ricky however stopped him, and pulled him up to his feet`s, pressing him against the cold wall.

“Michael, listen...that boyfriend of yours; Samuel, is it? He`s pretty fine, quite delicious looking I could say. I can imagine him having almost as beautiful body as you do, firm and...” Ricky smiled, looking at his shocked reaction, Michael hardly dared to breath. Then Ricky continued.

“You know I like brunets better...But I think, that I could make exception with your dear Sam.” He had an evil grin on his face.

“No! You couldn`t...Don`t you dare to touch him!” Michael screamed in shock.

“Oh, sweetheart, what could you do to stop me? You know I could do it, it wouldn`t be even that hard. He doesn`t even know how I look like, does he?” Ricky said, enjoying to see the distress on his face. Michael could feel the tears falling down even harder.

“No!...You can`t, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!!! You will not touch him!!!” He screamed as loud as he could. From the corner of his eye, Michael could see the satisfied look on Jean`s face, as he had thought about Sam`s suffering. `You fucking sick bastard!` Michael thought of Jean. His breathing tensed.

“I won`t do it if...” Ricky started releasing his grip on him. Michael let himself slit against the wall, onto the floor.

“Please, no...I`ll do anything, anything at all, just promise not to touch him.” Michael whispered, with tear filled voice, he looked up to the man standing in front of him.

“Good, just what I wanted to hear.” Ricky said. Michael closed his eyes, and felt so empty inside. Somewhere, from the closed memory`s of his mind, he could hear Sam`s voice. `I love you.` The voice said, sounding so kind, gentle and loving. He could remember the soft kisses on his skin, the touch of the soft hand, they way Sam had looked at him; always loving, always admiring, never blaming, never hating, always wanting. `No, I can`t think of you now.` And at that moment he felt the violent hands on his skin, lifting him up once more.

Other man behind him, other on the front. Other kissed his bruised lips, the other bite his neck. He could feel how hard they already were. His throat was being bitten, he groaned as he felt the teeth biting into his tender skin. The other one`s nails dug into his hips.

“I want to hear him scream.” Ricky said, some where near. He was forced onto his knees, and the man in front of him, opened his pants.

“Take it in your mouth, vous stupide Anglais putain!” Jacques voice commanded, as he grasped his hair roughly. Michael opened his un-willing mouth, and felt the man starting to fuck him there violently, Michael gagged.

The other man had knelled behind him, still leaving biting marks on his neck. Michael looked at Jean once more, and he could see that his ex-lover was aroused by this. `You fucking selfish bastard! You say you love me, and yet you get aroused by this, that they are raping me, you must see my pain.` Michael thought bitterly.

The man behind him was pressing on his back, forcing him on his all fours. Jacques had stopped fucking his mouth, but only for a moment. The man behind him, spat on his hand, and forced his fingers inside, first one, then the second, and the third. He was finger fucking him at first, and then took them out. The next thing that Michael felt, was the big, slippery organ against his opening. He trusted in with force. Michael moaned, he almost felt as though he would choke.

Jacques pulled out from his mouth yet again, and pulled him roughly from his hair. Michael screamed from the agony. His mutilated body, felt like it was cutting in half. Jacques mumbled something in French, something about the English, Michael didn`t hear him well enough, nor did he care to. His whole body was trembling from pain, that was worse than anything else he had ever felt.

The men had came all over his body. Sweat, sperm and pain. He wept on the floor.

“Come here.” Ricky demanded. He sat on the couch, his trousers were open, his hand was on his hard cock. Michael groaned, he didn`t want to move.

“Anything? Remember?...Now I don`t care will you crawl here, or will you walk, but I demand that you`ll come to me this instant.” Ricky told him. Michael breathed in deeply, and forced himself to move, until he was on his knees in front of him. “Now, suck my cock, like the good whore you are.” Ricky sneered, and Michael obeyed. It was no use to fight anymore.

After Ricky, it was Joe who took him, forced his legs open and thrust inside. He hardly heard himself screaming anymore. He fled inside his own security place, inside his mind. He thought about his home in England, he thought about Ireland, the Atlantic Ocean hitting against the rocks...What it had felt like to be a child...horses, the green heaths, the sound of hoofs hitting on the ground, how it felt having the wind blowing against your face, the feel of the ocean watter on naked skin...How it had felt like being a child.

All the men had used him, and he laid on the cold floor, all curled up, not able to move. Everything was hazy somehow. An old Spanish lullaby, that his grandmother had sang to him when he had been a little, played in his head. He missed her so much, she had loved him, knew him through and through. “You remind me so, you remind me from the young girl that I once was, just as stubborn, just as wild...Your grandfather was always so strong, he always protected me from everything.” He could hear her voice saying from inside his memory`s. `Give up, sleep, give up.` The voice in his head told him. `No, I won`t give up, I can take this, I can...won`t give up.`

It was so dim, so cold, and he was in pain. Michael nipped his bruised bottom lip slightly, trying to distract himself from the worse pain. `Am I alone here?` He wondered and listened carefully. No, he could still hear their voices. He opened his eyes and saw the shadows move past him. He wanted to move, but couldn`t stand up, his body refused to listen the orders, it just hurt so bad. His sense of time, had dimmed, all his senses were concentrated around the feelings of cold, pain, and weariness. Someone knelled by his side, and turned him to lie on his back.

“Open your eyes.` Ricky`s voice demanded, holding his chin. Michael opened his tired eyes and looked at the man knelled by his side. “The night isn`t over yet.”

Chapter 27.

Sam laid on the couch, and listened to the peaceful, Irish music cd. The memories brought tears to his eyes.

They laid together on bed, kissing. Michael was under him, his soft hands caressed his back gently. His fingers moved down his neck, down the spine. Sam moaned, and pressed himself tighter against his lover. They pulled away from the kiss, and Sam lifted his head up so that he could look at his lovers face. Michael smiled. “I could kiss you always, be like this always.” He whispered, and lifted his hand up to Sam`s face. Sam turned his head and kissed his palm.

“Me too.” He whispered.

"Mo ghrá thú" Michael said then and lifted his head up to kiss his lips again. “Pardon?” Sam asked with a smile, raising one eyebrow.

“I love you, I said it in Irish.” He told him.

“You amaze me constantly, you can speak Irish too?”

“Only few words or phrases, I learned the things that seemed most important to learn, like that one.” Michael grinned. “I sometimes forgot that you are part of Irish too, you look so...hm...more like a latino, but then again, you`re not hairy, and I thought that latinos usually are?” Sam was wondering, making Michael laugh.

“Well I don`t know Sam, haven`t really looked into it.” He grinned.

“You`re a weird mix, did you know that?” Sam smiled.

“A weird mix? Weird?” Michael wondered, rolling his eyes, as though he would be hurt by this. “Just listen to me Samuel, if I were you, I would think my words more careful, because the chances are...” Michael rolled them both by their sides, and moved Sam`s hand away from his body. He grinned. “...That you`ll be very bitterly sorry about it.”

“Did I say weird? I meant my beautiful, wonderful, Spanish, Irish, English mix.” Sam pressed him gently on his back again, and returned on top of him. He kissed him. “Made from the absolutely best ingredients” He whispered and rose up a little, supporting himself with his hands.

“oh, ingredients? What am I? Some kind of food?” Michael asked laughing, and Sam leaned down again to kiss him.

“Yes, you`re mine dessert, in which taste I`ll never get bored of.” Sam kissed his face, still with want. “How can you taste so good my love? How come you`re so beautiful?” The kisses continued down on his smooth upper body.

“Oh god Sam...No one has ever...mmm...Feels good, don`t stop, I love you...”

********

Sam tried to pull himself away from these memories, and went into the kitchen to boil some tea. Evelyn joined his company.

“I`ll have to go and take care of somethings today. Perhaps it would be good for you and Henry to go out, get something else to think about? You could go to the Eiffel-tower, shopping, or to see the paintings in Louvre?” Sam suggested. A sad smile rose to Evelyn`s lips, she sat in front of the table.

“I have seen the Eiffel tower once, with my son, when he was a child. We were visiting one of my friend here, and Henry didn`t care to join us. Henry has some weird thing towards everything that is too French for his liking.” She said, shaking her head slightly. There was still sadness in her face and in her voice. Sam turned to look at her, and cave her the tea cup. He sat down opposite from her. “Michael was so excited, I can still remember how his eyes sparked, we spend almost the whole day together, just walking through the city, going in places that he wanted to see...Children grew up too fast.” Evelyn continued, looking out from the window.

“Michael told me about that day once, it meant a lot to him.” Sam said.

Evelyn turned her eyes to meet with his. She looked at his face closely.

“I can see what my son sees in you, you have such a friendly, and beautiful eyes. Eyes do tell a lot, you`re a good person.” Evelyn smiled and took his hand in hers. “I hope to see you two together soon.” She said, and then her eyes filled with tears. “Oh God, how blind can one be...I want my son back...I`m so sorry about these tears, these past years, seems that I have done nothing but cried all the time. I`m so sorry.” Evelyn tried to wipe the tears away, Sam squeezed her hand soothingly. “There is nothing to be sorry about. In this situation, no one can blame that we cry, I have done it myself a lot too in these past few days...We will see him again, I know it in my heart.” Sam said. He was always stronger, when helping others. If he would have been alone, he would probably have lied in bed still, not able to get anything done.

“Thank you Sam.” Evelyn said and rose up. She still wiped some tears away. “I`ll go now, to wake my husband, maybe I can convince him to go out with me. The fresh air would do us both some good.”

“If you can call the air in Paris fresh" Sam smiled weakly and continued. "But yes, I think it would do you some good.” He then rose up too. He went to shower, changed his clothes, and left outside.



********


After he came from the police station, he met with Erick.

“How are you holding up? Has there been any news from him?” Erick asked, while they were walking towards the familiar coffee house, down the block.

“Well, I`m holding up, somehow...One agonizing minute at the time...They don`t have much clues yet, some woman had seen Michael, just minutes before he reached that alley, but that`s all...I told them about Ricky though, and they promised to search some information about him...Oh, and did I tell you that Michael`s parents came to my place yesterday?” Sam asked and looked at his surprised face.

“His parents? Really? How are you getting along, how are they like?” Erick asked.

“Well, I have been talking a lot with Evelyn, she is an amazing woman, reminds me so much about Michael...As for his father...hm...well, he seems like a serious man, pretty much like what Michael described him to be, he hasn`t spoken with me much. I think he might be a little unease staying in a home of his sons lover.” Sam laughed dryly.

Once they reached the coffee house, they saw a familiar figure sitting by the window table, with his friends. Sam felt the rage boiling inside him. He walked over to them.

“Patrick!” He yelled, once he had gotten close. The man lifted his gaze up to him, an arrogant smile played on his lips.

“Ah, Sam...Where`s the fire?” He asked, the smile never leaving his face.

“Where`s the fire?! You know damn well what this is about, where are they??” Sam shouted, the other people in the cafe, had turned their curious eyes to them.

“I`m sorry, but I can`t understand what you`re on about Samuel, you`re just making a fool out of yourself, by shouting like this.” Patrick sneered, his tone of voice annoying Sam even more.

“You know where Jean is, you know what he has done with Michael, where has he taken him?” Sam spat through his teeth`s. “I`m not the keeper of Jean, and I have absolutely no idea where that slut of yours is...If Michael has indeed got lost from you, did it ever occur to you, that the money hungry whore could have found another, who is even richer than you? That wouldn`t be too new, after all.” Patrick said, looking at his own friends sneering faces.

“You will not talk of him like this! You know the truth, I can see it in you!” Sam felt how his whole body was shaking from the fury, that he felt towards the man who had hurt his lover so badly, and now he sat there, with that god damn grin on his face, knowing that he had gotten away with what he had done.

“I couldn`t care less where Michael is. That British whore was a good fuck, yes, but nothing else. Being the nice man that I am, I can give you a great advice Sam; forget about that slut, and move on to another...That is what Jean is doing.” Patrick said, looking at him and then again to his friends, who were laughing quietly.

Sam couldn`t hold back his fury no longer. He took a hold of Patrick`s shirt collar, lifted him up, and looked at him with warning eyes.

“I swear to you, that I`ll kill you if...” Sam started, squeezing his hand into a fist, his intention was to hit that bastard and hit him hard. Erick walked behind him, and pulled him of off him. The owner of the cafeteria was about to come to them.

“He`s not worth it Sam, lets go.” He said, and looked at Patrick with an evil eye.

Sam let Erick lead him back outside, while a big part of him wanted nothing more than to charge back over there, and beat the shit out of Patrick. God knew that he would deserve it.

“He will get whats coming to him, sooner or later, just believe me. They will all get their sentences of the bad things that they have done.” Erick told him.

“I really do hope so, but...World is anything, but fair. Good peoples suffer, while the evil dances over their suffering, it has always been so.” Sam said with a voice filled with bitterness.

*************

Michael woke from the bedroom, his hands were locked up again. He knew that he had passed out at some point, but didn`t know how long ago that was. His whole body was flickering with pain. He didn`t remember how many times it had happened anymore, they might have raped him, even after he had lost his consciousness. `How long will they keep me alive? Perhaps I`ll die to this pain.` He thought and squeezed his eyes close. He remembered how they had forced him to lie over the table, on his stomach. Dan had hold him down, and Ricky had walked in front of him and shown him the knife. Then he had walked behind him, and when he had felt the knife on his lower back, he had thought, really thought, that Ricky would tease him for awhile and then kill him with it, but he hadn`t. Ricky had engraved his own initials on his lower back. “I marked my own.” Ricky had told him, and he had felt the blood dripping down off the newly made wound. Michael had whimpered from the pain. Everything that had happened after, were very hazy and dream like in his head. Small pieces there and there, and the pain. The pain had been and it was still, something that drowned everything else under it.

He didn`t even notice the door opening at first, someone came in. Only when the person was beside the bed, he noticed. Jean was opening the handcuffs, releasing his hands. Michael looked at him in confusion, and pulled his hands close to his chest, thankful of the relieved feeling of his freed hands.

“You must be very quiet now, understand?” Jean whispered. Michael nodded his head. ”You have to get up, put these on.” Jean said and placed his clothes on the bed. Michael tried to move, he gasped, he was shocked of how weak he felt, even a small movement hurt. He looked at Jean with watering eyes.

“I can`t, it hurts.” His voice didn`t sound like his own.

“You must, you must try. You wouldn`t survive it, if they would do it again to you.” Jean said. After that horrible thought, that they might do it again, Michael found some strength to move. He turned over to his side, he wouldn`t dare to sit up, it would probably hurt like hell. Jean helped him up to his feet`s. Jean was supporting him, and helping him to dress the clothes on. He nipped his bottom lip from pain, trying to endure it. Michael had to lean over to Jean, to take more of his support, trying to collect some strength to run, despite the pain.

“I`m sorry about last night, I had to, or they would have suspected something.” Jean whispered. Michael closed his eyes, and held back the urge to shove him away from him, he wanted to scream his mind clear from the agony that he felt. `You could have told them that you were too drunk.` He thought bitterly.

“I understand.” He forced himself to say, his voice still sounded so strange.

It felt good to have his clothes back on, it felt so save. He followed Jean, letting him hold his hand.

“We must be very quiet now.” Jean whispered. Michael`s heart was beading up fast from the fear and also from the anticipation, now that freedom was a chance. They walked through the dark house, as quietly as they could. They could see the front door now, Jean had a nervous expression on his face. They stopped every once and awhile, and listened to the quietness of the house. Just as Jean was opening the door to outside, they heard steps coming from upstairs.

“Jean, what the fuck?!” Ricky`s voice shouted with anger. Jean pushed the door open and let Michael before him.

“Now run!” Jean shouted to him and Michael felt his tired body obey. He really didn`t know where the strength had come from. Jean ran beside him, and soon enough Ricky was behind them too. Michael didn`t know where to run, he could feel the cold air on his limbs, it was late, it was dark. He ran towards the forest that could offer some hiding places.

“Jean stop, or I`ll swear I`ll shoot you both!” Ricky shouted behind them. Michael ran, he heard the first gun shot, it hadn`t hit him, or Jean, which he noticed when he had looked at the man running beside him. They had just reached the forest, a second gun shot, pain, burning feeling on his left side, he had still been able to move, deeper into the forest. The burning pain kept growing and it made him fell down onto the cold, wet ground. It was hazy, he tried to crawl forward. Jean lifted him up, said something that he didn`t understand, and brought him behind a big rock.

“Michael...” Jean`s voice was trembling, he held his body close, and felt the warm, sticky fluid, under his hand. He lifted his shaking hand up and looked at it horrified. He looked down, only to see what was already clear, the white shirt, was covered with blood, on the left side of Michael`s back. “Oh God, Michael...stay awake, don`t you dare die on me now.” Jean`s voice was filled with panic. Michael tried to look up to see his face, but he couldn`t see so clear. Only moaning came out, when he tried to speak. “Just a little farther away, you`ll make it...you will...I can`t see...I can`t see him anywhere.” They rose up, Jean was supporting him. Everything was like in a dream, in a nightmare. They reached the highway, he saw a car waiting. Jean helped him inside the backseat and followed him in. He kept his head on his lap, pressing something against the wound. The car started.

“Drive to the hospital, now!” Jean ordered the driver.

“Jean, what the hell happened? Is he?...” The voice was Patrick`s, Michael couldn`t see him, but he knew that it was him. “Ricky shoot him.” Jean`s voice hadn`t calmed down, his other hand was stroking his hair.

“Oh God how much blood there is, I`ll never be able to wash it away from the seats.” Patrick said. Michael hated him, it would only serve him right, having his blood all over his precious car.

”God dammit Patrick, drive faster, he`s dying!” Jean shouted. The words seemed so strange to his ear. `I`m dying?` The words echoed in his mind, as his consciousness started to fail, moment, by moment.

He heard humming in his ears, a familiar voice somewhere near him. “Don`t fear niño, the night will past soon.” The soft Spanish voice spoke, and he could see her face so close, her tender smile. “Abuela...” He whispered. “Have you ever seen so many stars?” She smiled, her smile had always made you feel so special, so welcomed. “Abuella, I miss you...” He whispered, and he could feel her touch on his face. “Do not fear niño, new day will rise soon.” Soon she disappeared from his vision. “Come back, don`t leave me...” He mumbled, when coming back to the reality and pain.

“He`s being delirious.” Patrick said, looking at the rear-view-mirror. Jean just looked at Michael with worry, and stroked his hair as gently as he could. The quilt was weighting on him. He had caused this, and he could never live with himself if Michael would die, the only person that his messed up heart had ever loved. He despised himself, the man that he had become, and he knew, that if he would drink, he could do it all over again. The bitterness inside him would take him over, sooner or later it would have him completely.

The car stopped.

“Help! My friend has been shot at!” He heard Jean shouting, but everything was so hazy and broken. People came to them, they lifted him up onto a litter. Talking, shouting, questions. No, he couldn`t understand any of it. His eyelids became heavy, he returned to the familiar surroundings of his childhood and heard the familiar voices. He saw Tony, his best friend, who his heart had never stopped loving or missing. In this weird dream, they were children again, it was summer, they were running and laughing on the coast of Ireland. Happy and lost moments, when everything had been more simple, when the little things had brought a smile on your face, when months had felt so much longer than what they felt now. Childhood; the time when you couldn`t wait to grow up, and the time you come to miss in the future.


Chapter 28.

It was an early October morning, when Sam had received the call. They had all still been sleeping, and it was the first time in these passed days that Sam had been able to sleep for a couple of hours. Still sleepy, he was awoken by the phone’s insistent ringing, he had a hard time at first, understanding what was being said to him from the other end of the line.

“...We had a message from one of the hospitals, a young man, who fits the description of your friend, has been brought in. This young man has a gun shot wound, he’s being treated in the intensive care unit. If you could come and identity him?” The officer spoke calmly. Sam felt his heart almost stop, it felt hard to breath. The man’s words echoed in his mind, still somehow unreal. 'Hospital?...gun shot wound?...identify?' “Mr. Grey?” The man asked once he had been quiet for awhile.

“I`m sorry, I... Um…What?” He was finally able to say.

”You need to come to the hospital, to make the identification. Do you have a paper and a pen? I’ll give you the address. We’ll wait for you in the lobby.” Sam was feeling nervous; his hands were shaking as he wrote the address down. When he finished the call, he had to stop thinking for a while. ‘Michael could be found’, he felt relieved. But the relief was gone as quickly as it came. ‘He had been shot, he was in a hospital, in the intensive care, and he might be...dying?’ Sam felt the pain in his heart, and in his chest... ‘And perhaps, it wouldn’t be Michael? Maybe it would be someone else?...... Maybe...’

“Who was it?” Evelyn asked behind him, Sam turned around to face her. She looked worried, she was waiting and she seemed scared somehow.

“They called from the hospital, they might have found him.” Sam said with a weak voice. Evelyn stood in front of him, surprised expression on her face. She was opening her mouth to say something, but the words got lost from her.

“The hospital?” She was finally able to ask.

”Yes, they said that he has a gun shot wound, he’s in intensive care...Assuming that it is him.” Sam said. The words just slipped out from his mouth, as his mind tried to deal with the confused feelings tied to them. He shook his head slightly and raised his hand onto his temple. “I...better just go there straight away.” He said then and searched for his car keys. He was still in slight shock. `Breath, easy...just calm yourself. I must calm down, if I’m going to drive there.` Sam kept telling himself.

“We’ll come with you.” Evelyn said. Sam nodded his head; realizing then that he had almost gone out with only his boxers and a t-shirt on. He came to the living room couch, where the clothes that he wore yesterday laid.

Evelyn woke up her husband, it really was amazing how the man could sleep so heavily. Evelyn was quite sure that Henry wouldn’t even wake up if there was a sound of fire alarm going on.

“Henry, wake up!” She said, while shaking his arm. He opened his tired eyes finally.

“Get dressed quickly, we need to leave now!” Evelyn screamed and got up quickly, to change her clothes.

“Um...What?...Go where?” He asked, still very sleepy, it was 6am for God’s sake. He rose up to sit, and yawned deeply. “Henry! I said quickly! They called from the hospital, they might have found Michael!” Evelyn’s tone of voice was shrill, like when ever she was nervous. Henry suddenly didn’t feel tired at all anymore. He got up, took his clothes, and put them on quickly. He wasn’t sure what to think, except, they were in a hurry. Although he doubted that the hospital would disappear to anywhere, even if they would leave without such a rush. Sam was waiting for them in the hall, when they came out of the room. No one said a word, as they left. The silence ensued, when they sat in the car, or even through out the drive to the hospital.

The doctor leaded them to the hospital door, while the officer followed them.

“He’s still unconscious.” The woman doctor explained while opening the door.

“It is best that only one of you goes in to see if it is him.” She added with a gentle voice. Sam looked to Michael’s parents behind him.

“It’s alright Sam, you can go.” Evelyn said, as she noticed his questioning expression. Sam walked inside the room, followed by the male officer. He looked at the hospital bed, walking slowly towards it. He had known from the door that it was him. As he came closer to his unconscious lover, he felt the tears rising to his eyes. It felt hard to breath. All those hospital apparatus around him...He was standing right near the bed now.

The lump in his throat seemed to grow, he couldn’t turn his eyes away from him. He heard the peeping sound of the machine, measuring his heart beats. He saw the marks on his lover’s neck, for someone had bitten his neck all over. `How far down do they go?` Sam wondered, squeezing his hands into a fists, from the hatred that he felt towards whoever had done this to him. It was beginning to be clear what they had done to him, the thing he had feared that they would do. He however still hoped that it wouldn’t be so. His face looked so peaceful however, still as beautiful as ever before. He lifted his hand up to touch his face gently, wanting to feel that he indeed was real. His skin felt so warm.

“How come you’re still so beautiful my love?...” He whispered, looking at his face with wonderment.

The anguish spread even deeper in him. It was beginning to be harder, and harder to breath. His eyes were darkening, he felt dizzy. He had to take support from the bed.

“Mr. Grey, are you alright?” The man behind him asked and came to him.

“I...well I...” Sam tried, he didn’t know what it was that he had wanted to say. The man led him out of the room, and guided him to sit on the chair in the corridor. Sam leaned forward, and buried his face into his hands.

“Sam, are you alright?” Evelyn asked, and sat beside him. Sam nodded his head. “Was it him?” She asked then.

“Yes.” His voice quietly answered. Sam lifted his head up, and looked at the doctor, who looked back at him, a bit worried. “Will he survive? How did he come here?” Sam asked.

“What if we would go somewhere more privately to talk?” The woman suggested and they followed her into a small waiting room.

She sat onto the chair, and motioned for them to do the same. The officer had come with them.

“Two men, brought him here last night, but unfortunately, in all that fuss, these man had time to leave, before we had the time to ask them some questions.” She explained. Sam felt angry.

“How the fuck is that possible?!, you let them go?!” Sam shouted. Evelyn placed her hand over his shoulder.

“Calm down Mr. Grey, we will do our best to track these men down.” The officer said, as Sam was at glaring him, with suspicion. He tried to calm down. `Damn French, they can’t do anything right. ` He thought, furrowing his brow. Well at least these two speak English, which was some kind of a miracle in this country. Sam reminded himself.

“Will he survive? Will my son live?” Evelyn asked with weak, worried voice.

“We were able remove the bullet, but he did loose a lot of blood, and there were other severe bruises on his body as well...His condition is not that good at the moment, we can’t deny that, but there is however, a great possibility for him to heal perfectly, as far as his physical wounds go. This all depends greatly on himself, the next 24 hours are critical.”- The woman told them, struggling a little with her English ‘A great chance for him to heal perfectly, at least physically that is, but,...What about the mentally?’ Sam wondered.

“I need to know this...What exactly have they done to my son?” Evelyn asked, slightly scared of what the answer would be, but she really did need to know.

The woman looked at them, wondering what to tell, or how to say it. It just seemed that there was no right way to tell something like this to the victim’s family, she wondered would there ever be such way. She took a deep breath.

“There was clear evidence of sexual violence, and rape.” Sam felt ill, he felt pain inside, and he felt rage. Sure he had wondered about this, but now that someone said it out loud, it made it real. He remembered the marks on his lover’s neck. He looked at Evelyn, who was in complete shock, her face had paled, eyes glimmering from tears, holding her hand over her mouth. Henry looked mad as hell, his hands were squeezed into a fist, there was pure anger in his eyes, and he had no one to take that anger out on.

“Do not worry, we will find the men who did this, and they will be sentenced. We have good enough prove, DNA-samples and such.” The officer said meeting with the eyes of Evelyn Wills. He tried to smile soothingly to the shocked mother.

“Can we see him now?” Evelyn asked, once she had calmed down just a bit.

“Of course”, said the doctor standing.

They walked into the hospital room. Evelyn took her husbands hand in her own, as they approached the bed. When she saw her son’s face, she felt all the six years fear, worry, and anticipation rush through her. She lost her ability to hold back her tears. She would have collapsed onto the floor, had not her husband pulled her close to his chest, and held on to his crying wife.

“Everything will be alright my love, everything will be alright.” He spoke to her soothingly, and stroked he hair. Henry looked over at his son, and felt the tears in his own eyes too. He had never before cried. ‘Men do not cry Henry!’ He reminded himself, when ever tears had made their way. The voice in his head, had always been the one of his fathers, but now it was the time to quiet that voice.

Finally Evelyn had calmed down, Henry wiped the tears away gently from her face. Evelyn turned around to face her son. She walked closer to him, and sat on the chair, that had been pulled close. She touched her son’s cheek gently, then his hair. She started slightly when she saw the marks on his neck, she lift her hand up to her mouth, and felt the tears starting to fall down on her cheeks again.

“Those Monsters!” She sighed. Henry stood behind her, and placed his hands on her shoulders. The anger inside him kept on growing. Evelyn took her son’s hand in her own, and kissed the back of his. She lifted his palm up to her cheek. “You must wake up sweetheart; you must, now that we have finally found you.”

Sam had stood a little farther away, not able to move, until now. He walked over to the other side of the bed. Evelyn lifted her gaze up to him, and smiled weakly through her tears. She still stroked her son’s hand, only now looking closely at it. She saw that the skin around his wrist was slightly red and chaffed. They all saw it, and saw that his other hand was the same. Sam couldn’t even imagine the amount of pain that his lover had gone through, and he knew that Michael had tried to fight against them with all his strength.

Evelyn stayed alone with her son, when her husband and Sam and went to get some tea from the cafeteria. She still held on to his hand, and stroked his hair with her other. So many memories rushed through her mind. She saw the young man on the hospital bed, as her own little son, who she had not been able to protect from the evil. She could hear the child’s voice in her mind; she remembered it all so clearly. She remembered how it had felt like, to hold her new born baby in her arms at the maternity hospital; it felt like it hadn’t even been that long ago.

“My sweet, innocent son, forgive me for all that I said to you, when you told me. Forgive that I was so stupid back then.” She whispered, and pressed a soft kiss on his forehead. “I don’t want to lose you again.”

Those six years, had been painful and full of sorrow. When she had read the letter, that her son had left to them, as his goodbye, almost exactly six years ago, it had broken her heart. She had been worried sick, and she had cried the whole day and night. Then he had called her. They had only spoke few words, and she remembered his hasty voice, when he had told her, that he would call her back soon.

And Evelyn had waited, but nothing had been heard from him, and they hadn’t been able to track the number down. In her heart she had known, that her son was in trouble and in pain, and she could do nothing to help him. The nightmares that she had had, where horrible and they had always seemed so real, too real. The days, weeks and moths had passed, and there had been no news of their son. She had always waited and hoped for his return. Some people had tried to tell her, that it was likely that he was dead. She had refused to believe them. She had known, that he was alive… somewhere.

The Christmases and his birthdays had been the most difficult times to go through. She had had her problems with Henry. There had been a time when she had blamed herself, and a time that she had blamed Henry, and a time that she had blamed them both. But Henry had never given up on her, not when she had been like a ghost in her own home, not when she had been cruel with words to him, nor had he given up on her, when she had been just a fragile creature, crying inside their bedroom all day long.


Those years had made her see how much Henry loved her. Coming through those hard years, had only made their love stronger. Henry had changed, and she had changed, but they had changed together, to understand and respect each other even more. They had learned to talk, and love in a way that she had never known existed. And all this time they had mourned, the important part had still been missing, their child, that they both loved with all their hearts, and they feared that he would never know that. They feared Michael would die, believing that they did not love him, and that they despised him.

“I love you...Can you hear me? Your mother loves you.” She whispered.

“Mommy, please don’t cry.” The boy asked, and climbed to the arms of his mother. He looked at her mourning face, with worry. She smiled through her tears, and pressed a gentle kiss on his forehead.

“Do not fear my sweetheart, mom is okay soon, I’m just sad and that is why I’m crying. Sometimes tears help when you’re feeling sad.” She whispered.

“You are crying because Angelia died?”

“Yes.” The boy lifted his hand up to his mothers face, and wiped the tears away gently.

“Angelia, is whit angels now, right?” He asked and looked at her face, thoughtfully.

“Yes sweetheart, she is with them.”

“Is Angelia an angel now? Do babies grow up in heaven, or will she always stay as a baby?” He asked then.

“I do not know sweetheart, she waits for us. When we get there, then we will see.” She placed a kiss on his head. The boy was quiet for a moment and played with his small fingers in her long hair.

“I hope that she has play mates up there.” He said thoughtfully. She smiled at him; she was feeling much better now. “I’m sure she does.”

She remembered the conversation that she had, with her own mother, when Michael had told them the truth about himself, and went to live with her.

“What does it matter if Michael likes other men? He’s still your son, exactly the same person that he has always been.” Isabella had looked at her firmly, and asked.

“It’s just not right. God didn’t intend it to be so, and Michael will come back to his senses.” She had told her mother, lifting her head up proudly, sure that she had been right.

“God this, and God that! I’m so sick and tired of all that hypocrisy. I’m sure that God has much better things to do then, guard our love lives.” Her mother had said to her, and looked at her impatiently, before she had continued.

“Evelyn, open your eyes it really doesn’t matter. What matters is love!”

“But it does matter! It does, he should find some nice, decent girl, marry her, and have children. That is normal and This is not!” She had insisted.

“I thought I raised you better than that, I didn’t think that you would be this prejudice...Really Eve, is it not the most important thing, for him to be happy?”

“Of course I want him to be happy, but this is not the way to make him happy...People will talk and...” At this point Isabella had sighted deeply.

“Is this what you worry about? What other peoples think? What does it matter what everyone else thinks, this world is crowded with idiots that think there is only one way for peoples to live their lives. We live only once, and what does it do, to constantly worry about how you can live your life the way, that they want you to live! It’s his life, not yours. Do not close your son out, he needs you now more than ever, he needs for you to accept him.” Evelyn had noticed her distress, something had weighted on her; worry. She was dying, and she had been worried about Michael. Perhaps she had seen something that they hadn’t? But Evelyn had been too stubborn to listen carefully then.

Chapter 29.

Sam knew he looked dreadful. He hadn’t slept in three days, or nights. He had hardly eaten anything. He just waited; spend the agonizing hours in the corridors of the hospital, in the waiting room, or by the bed. He prayed, and waited. He feared for the worse, and hoped for the best.

It was third day and Michael was still unconscious, still not moving. Sam sat at his bed side, and stared at his chest; that kept rising and falling, as his lungs breathed in the oxygen. His gaze strayed only for a moments to the machine, that tracked his heart beat. They were the only sign he was still living. Sam leaned forward and laid his head on his chest.

“Come back, please come back, I need you.” Sam stayed like this for several minutes, listening to his heart beat, eyes close. He lifted his head up to look at his face; frustrated with the in-expressiveness it depicted, frustrated that the beautiful eyes that he had been missing; stayed closed.

“I’m loosing my mind here, you need to wake up and save me from this, save us all from this...Michael...love...please.” Sam tried. He leaned to kiss his forehead, and pressed a light kiss on his pale lips. “Michael...I need you.” He stroked his arm, which lay close to his body, unmoving. “I’ll never forgive you if you die, and leave me here. Understand?” Sam whispered, but regretted his words as soon as they were spoken. “No, forgive me. I would never forgive them, I’ll hate them always...I would never love another, I couldn’t, I would die with you.” Sam said, and pressed his head against his arms. The fingers of Michael’s left hand moved a bit, it was the first movement in all this time. Sam looked at his hand feeling ecstatic. “Michael, you hear me, right?!” He tried, holding his breath. He looked at the hand, and there was yet another slight movement. Had Sam looked at his face, he could have seen his lovers head turning slightly, and his eyelids moving, but he had not looked. Sam looked at his face now, but his eyes were obstinately closed still, and the expression had not changed. “Michael?” Sam tried again, but there was no answer. Sam however felt some kind of relieve, somewhere in side his subconscious, inside his deep dream that he was having, Michael could hear his voice, and was trying to come back. Sam knew that he was. At that moment the nurse walked in.

Sam raised his gaze up to the young woman approaching. She smiled to him gently.

“You need to leave for a moment, I came in here to change his drop Pac, and see how the patient is doing.” The woman explained in French. Sam nodded.

“He just moved his hand; does that mean that he’s waking up?” Sam asked, when getting up. The woman looked at the patient lying on the bed.

“It’s a possibility, yes, his vital functions have remained stable, and the worst is over. I can’t promise anything for sure, though, there is always the possibility that something could go wrong.” Sam nodded again and left the room. He came into the waiting area, where Michael’s parents where.

Evelyn’s eyes were red from tears; she laid her head on her husband’s shoulders. The words that the doctor had told them three day’s ago, where repeated over, and over in her head. ‘They raped my son. Rape.’ She was only now beginning to realize just what it meant, and how horrible it was. She felt angry towards the police and the doctors, even though it wasn’t their fault. She was mad at the world and she was mad at God. How could God let something like this happen? How could God allow her son to be hurt so? Michael was innocent, he had never hurt anyone, why him? Why their family? She felt her husband’s hand stroking her hair gently. He pressed a gentle kiss on her forehead. ‘Why should I believe in you God, when you have given me so much suffering? You took away my little girl already, wasn’t that enough? You had to put my son through this? Haven’t I always lived by your word, what did I do, that was so wrong to deserve this punishment?’ She questioned in her head, and made her mind up, that if Michael would die, she would loose her fate all together.

She looked at Sam who sat beside her. He looked so tired, they all were, but it broke her heart to see the young man in so much inner pain. She smiled just a little. Sam loved her son, he really did. There was still love in this dark world.

“Sam, I think you need to get some sleep. You should go home and try to sleep, I’ll stay here with Henry, and we call you as soon as there is some change in his condition.” Evelyn said, lifting her head up to look at him. Sam stared into the emptiness. “He moved his hand; I want to be here when he wake’s up.” He said. Evelyn took his hand in hers.

”Then wouldn’t it be better to feel fresh when he wake’s up? I promise that I’ll call you if he does.” She said, with warm motherly like voice.

“I guess you’re right. I’ll call Kitty, she can pick me up, as I’m in no condition to drive myself.

Henry sat by his son’s bed side, when his wife had gone off to speak with the nurses. He looked at his unconscious, sleeping form, thoughtfully. He was a shamed of himself, when remembering how he had acted like, when finding out that Michael was gay. It had just been such a big shock for him back then. The words he had used? He quivered, when remembering. He used to think that all gays were pathetic excuses for men. The kind of men, whom dressed themselves up, in a girl like manner, and were afraid of hard work, of getting themselves dirty. Michael had never shown any such signs. He had been in a football team; he had never shown any interest in playing with girls toys, something that Henry had thought that all gays would like to do when they were children. Michael had always made him proud. His son was smart, athletic, and very handsome. Henry remembered how Michael had been very careful of the way he looked, when going somewhere in his teen-age. Henry had thought that, it was normal and acceptable. Gentlemen’s always take care of their appearance.

“Dad, dad! We won! We won the game!” The boy shouted, when running into the kitchen. His face and his clothes were muddy, His knees scratched, and had dried blood in them but, on his lips, was a bright smile and his eyes were sparkling. The father could not help but to smile to him.

“Oh, you did now, did you? Who were you playing against?” He asked.

“Gregory’s brothers and their friends.” The boy told him with pride in his voice. “We won even though we are younger than they, and I made the determining, goal! It was so bloody brilliant!”

“Sure sounds that way. I’m really proud of you.” Henry said, rose up, and ruffled his son’s hair.

“Michael! You have left all these muddy traces in here!” Evelyn screamed, and followed the traces into to the kitchen. She looked at her son, who stood by his father, looking at the mess that he had made.

“And just look at yourself! There’s dirt all over you. Oh my dear boy, when will you learn?” She was shaking her head. The boy looked at her, a little shyly, and nipped his bottom lip, looking then at himself more closely.

“Eve, do not be so hard on the poor boy, he won a game, and I think that calls for a celebration! What if we would go out for dinner, the whole family?” Henry suggested.

“Yeah, lets!” The boy cried out happily. Evelyn looked at her husband and her son, trying hard to be firm, but those cute faces melted her heart.

“Alright then, you young man, go wash yourself clean and change your clothes. I will wash up the mess you have made here. Next time do nut rush inside with muddy shoes.” She said.

“Of course mother! I’m sorry about the mess! Can Tony come with us?” He asked.

“If it’s alright with his parents.”

“I call him and ask!” He shouted and started running up the stairs.

"Michael for God’s sake, take your shoes off!” Evelyn cried out.

Henry smiled as the memories returned. He wished to be given a chance to make it all alright again, that he could have said or done everything differently when finding out the truth. There was no chance of such to be had, but the future would give another kind of chance but, only if Michael survived. It was indeed the cruelest thing to go through; to see your own child suffering in front of you, fighting for life, and you being unable to help in any way. You wouldn’t wish that fate to anyone. Henry leaned his head against his arms. Michael just couldn’t die. Not now, when there was still so much to left to say. Henry rose up, and walked over by the window, it had begun to rain outside.

Michael moved slightly, and opened his eyes carefully; it was so bright inside the room. He blinked his eyes a bit, trying to get used to the light. ‘Where am I?’ He wondered, and looked around himself; there were some machines around him, weird looking things. He tried to move his hands a bit, just to make sure, that there would be nothing holding him. He still didn’t quite understand where he was, or if he was really alive. He turned his head, and saw a man standing in front of the window, looking at the view, his back turned against him. Michael startled slightly for fear of this stranger but, then he looked at the figure more carefully. He was somehow very familiar. ‘This has to be a dream...it can’t be him, or can it?’ Michael wondered with confusion.

“Dad?” He asked with a weak voice, before thinking it any longer. The man turned around, and stepped closer to him, with a surprised expression on his face.

“Michael! You have wakened! I...” Henry wasn’t sure what to say. Michael looked at his father, now even more confused. It was him, but how? He certainly hadn’t expected to see him, and there he was, looking at him, both of them at a loss, for the proper words. His father had aged more than he would have thought; his hair was almost completely grey now. His face seemed somehow softened, there was no despise in his eyes, like the last time they had seen each other.

Henry noticed his son’s confusion.

“Where am I?” Michael asked looking at the room once more.

“You’re in a hospital. How are you feeling?” Henry asked with worry.

“Um...it hurts, everywhere.” His voice was hoarse.

“Wait I’ll go and get someone.” Henry said, and left the room.

Soon, a middle-aged woman doctor came into the room. Michael looked at her, when she approached.

“Your father told me that you have awakened. How are you feeling?” She asked and gave her most gentle smile to him. Michael still had a hard time understanding all that was happening, and concentrating into anything.

“I’m tired, and it hurts.” He was finally able to answer. The woman still kept smiling to him. She took a little flashlight, and checked his eyes with it. Michael did not understand the meaning of why she did so.

“I’ll give you some pain medicine.” She said next. Michael looked away, when she took the sprayed, and pressed the needle in his arm. “I’ll come to check up on you, in few hours. If you need anything, just press this button, and someone will come.” She explained, and showed him where the button was, then left.

He hadn’t been alone very long, when his father returned to the room, behind him was his mother, still as beautiful as she had always been, and Michael couldn’t help, but to cry. He had missed her so much.

“Mom.” He said and reached his arms to her. She rushed to him, and took him in her arms. Michael held on to her tightly, they were both crying.

“Oh my dear son Michael...my dear child.” She whispered while kissing his face all over. A mother, who’s heart had been broken from the sorrow of loosing her son, was now slowly beginning to heal, and a son who had missed her through out these hard years, missed to feel her arms around him, missed her gentle voice, wanted nothing more now, than to hold on to her and never let go again. “I’m so sorry dear, forgive me...I love you...I love you so much.” She kept saying.

“Forgive me mom, I was so stupid. I love you.” Michael opened his closed eyes, and looked over her shoulder to his father. “I love you both.” He said and received the gentlest smile that he had ever seen on his father’s face.

Finally both he and his mother had calmed down enough. Michael felt tired, millions of questions were running in his mind, and he didn’t know which he should ask first.

“What day is it?”

“Friday, The 10th of October.” Michael tried to count the days back, but he didn’t remember how many days he had been in that horrible place. ‘Maybe five? It seemed longer.’ He wondered.

“How many days have I been here?”

“Three days.” His father answered. ‘Three? Have I really been unconscious for three whole days?’ He wondered. “Where’s Sam?” He asked, and looked around again and then he looked at his mother. It was because of Sam that they were here now, he knew it.

“Sam is coming here soon, he has been by your side, all these three days, and he needed some rest.” She smiled and continued. “He’s a good man, he loves you so much.” It felt weird to hear her say that, and even weirder, when his father smiled and seemed to agree with her.

Finally Sam came in, Evelyn and Henry smiled to them both and left them by themselves. Michael looked at Sam closely as he approached. He thought that Sam looked like an angel. Sam felt a huge relief when he watched his lover awake. He almost couldn’t breathe, when he looked into his eyes, and when he saw a weak smile on his pale lips. Sam smiled back at him gently. “Hey.” Michael said weakly, when he sat by his bed side.

“Hey.” Sam answered and for a moment they just looked one another, Sam touched his face, and stroked his cheek gently.

“Oh God, I missed you. It feels so good to see you awake.” Sam sighted, he would have wanted to climb in next to him and never leave his side.

“I missed you too.” Michael whispered and tried to smile again. Sam leaned closer and kissed his forehead.

“How are you feeling my love?” He asked then. Michael thought about what he should answer for a moment.

“I feel fine, considering the circumstances...I’m just so very tired, funny really, one would think that three days of sleep would be enough.” He answered and tried to laugh a little, when in truth, he was feeling rotten despite the pain killers.

Sam smiled.

“Everyone has been so worried about you, my parents were here yesterday, and they ensured that you got the best possible treatment. Kitty, Erick and Paul, have also been here.” Sam told him and then continued. "The police have been informed that you have woken up, they want to talk with you tomorrow do you think you can do it?” He asked carefully. Michael closed his eyes for a moment.

“I think I must.” He answered then and opened his eyes.

“Good. Sleep now, you need your rest. I’ll see you when you wake up, I love you.” Sam said and kissed him as gently as he could. He noticed straight away that his lover’s body tensed from the mere kiss on the lips. He looked at Michael with worry and noticed a hint of fear in his eyes. Michael noticed his worry, he tried to smile and relax himself.

“I love you.” He whispered. Sam rose up, and walked towards the door.

“Sam.” Michael called. Sam turned to look at him. “Thank you, for getting my parents here, I need them.” He said, and received a warm, loving smile from Sam.

“I thought so my love, sleep well.”

When he was alone, the horrible memories returned to him. Everything that happened. How they had raped him. He remembered the sounds, the pain, how Ricky had held him down, how they had spread his legs and his arms open. His whole naked body on a display for them, and he had not been able to do anything, but scream, when they had taken him, called him a whore, claimed that he had enjoyed every minute of it. His breathing became fast, as these horrible mental pictures forced themselves back to his mind. The tears filled his eyes, and he wanted to scream, and he wanted to run, but he could not. He squeezed his hands into fists. He tried desperately to think of something else, but couldn’t. He feared that Jean would come for him, or Ricky. Michael shook his head at the idea. Surely he would loose his mind, should it happen once more.

Michael hadn’t even realized that he had screamed out loud. His whole body was shaking; his breathing was restless and dense. The doctor came into the room, and tried to calm him down. She spoke something, which Michael couldn’t understand. She had taken a hold of his arm and pressed the needle down on his vein.

“This will help you sleep.” The woman explained, and soon he felt his body calming down, his breathing smoothed, and he fell into a sleep.

He walked down the street towards his home. It was autumn and the tree leaves had magnificent colors on them, the air smelled like rain. The house looked empty. He opened the door, came inside and met with the silver blue darkness.

“Mom? Dad?” He called, but there was no answer. He saw something moving upstairs, the figure looked at him, and disappeared into his room. “Tony?” He asked, but still there was no answer. He walked up the stairs, the door to his room, was slightly open. The boy stood there, facing the window. He looked at the stranger with confusion.

“Who are you?” He asked finally. The boy was still for a moment, and then started to turn around slowly. Michael sighted from shock; the young, teen-aged boys face was covered with blood on the other side, and his skull was slightly broken.

“It will never stop.” The boy said, and looked straight at him, with his ghost like eyes.

“Evan?” Michael’s voice was shaking.

”He will never stop...Death is the only way to end it. I did it. It was the only way out...He would never stop. He will never stop.” The boy continued. Michael wanted to run, but his legs refused to move, and at this same time, this dead boy, covered in blood, approached him.

“I knew him, I knew him for many years. Ricky will never stop, he will have his way...He said that he would hurt my sister, if I said no. He said that father would loose his job, and my mother would do. But in the end, I won, death is the only way to run...My family was saved...Ricky is the devil, he will never stop.” The boy stopped, only few meters from him, and he could see the clear damage in his face, that in the boys living he had been beautiful.

“Death is the way, the only way.” The boy said, handing the gun in his hand closer to him, and he laughed.

Michael screamed, and awoke from his nightmare. He looked around the dark hospital room, and sighted with relieve. ‘It was only a dream, a bad dream.’ He thought, and looked out from the window, he could see the sky filled with stars, it was weird, he had never seen so many stars so near the big city. The door opened.

“Michael, you naughty boy, you ran from me again.” The voice said, and he looked at the man with horror.

“How are you here?” He asked, with shaking voice, and watched how Ricky neared the bed.

“I came to get what’s mine. Have you forgotten that you belong to me? I own you.” Ricky sneered; he was right by the bed side now. His rough hand moved under his hospital gown, stroking his naked skin. Michael shivered and tried to call for help, but no one came. “They do not care sweetheart, they all know that your mine, I have marked you.” Ricky spoke and his hand moved to his genitals. “You are my whore, always mine.” He laughed.

Michael woke up to his own screaming, this time for real. He tried to calm himself down. ‘It was only a dream, only a dream.’ He kept telling himself, and looked around the room. ‘Ricky is not here. I’m still at the hospital; everything is alright, only a dream. Relax, calm down.’ A nurse that he hadn’t seen before stepped in.

“Good morning.” She said with a smile. Michael looked at her, but did not reply. “How are you feeling today?” She asked, once getting closer.

“Fine.” Michael lied quietly.

“We’ll move you today to another section. You are doing much better now.” She smiled, and Michael smiled back to her.

They moved him at noon. It was a private room as well. Michael liked this room better; there weren’t so many machines around him now. His parents and Sam came to him, almost directly after the move. When Michael saw them, he smiled.

“How are you doing my little one?” His mother asked, and pressed a kiss on his forehead. Michael smiled a little; he thought that it was funny that she should still call him her little one.

“I’m fine.” Michael replied, somehow this answer seemed like the easiest one.

“My brave little soldier.” She smiled. “Mom, I’m not five years old anymore.” Michael reminded her, and smiled weakly. Sam and his father laughed slightly.

“Yes, but your still my own baby, even when you are 70-years old.” She said and touched his face.

“I brought your favorite chocolate and a book.” Sam said and looked at him.

“Thanks, would you put them on the table there?” Michael said and pointed at the little nightstand, close to his bed.

“The Lord of the Rings, haven’t red that one yet.” Michael said when looking at the cover of the book.

“I know that’s why I brought it. Everyone should read it at least once.” Sam smiled.

“Well, for once I have the time to read that brick stone, nothing better to do.” Michael said, he was just teasing Sam, knowing how obsessed he was with the book. Sam gave him a weird look.

“Nothing better to do? You don’t know what you have missed, that is the greatest book ever made, and it’s not just for killing time.” Sam explained. Michael couldn’t help, but to laugh at this.

“If you say so Sam, I’m sorry if I insulted your favorite book. I’m sure that it’s okay.” He said the last part with slight doubt in his voice.

“It is good!” Sam pointed out.

Silence followed. Michael tried hard to push everything that had happened away from his mind, but it seemed impossible. He succeeded in it only for small moments, but then it came back. And when he looked at his parents and Sam’s faces, he saw their worried looks, he saw that they were all wondering what they could say to him, and what could they do for him. They were feeling sorry for him, and Michael didn’t like that pity around him. He wondered how much they knew, especially how much his parents knew. He was feeling a shamed, he felt so dirty and it was almost like the word: *raped* would have been engraved on his forehead. Michael shivered slightly. He would never have wanted for his parents to find out about that.

Evelyn saw the distressed expression, on her sons face; she saw that his thoughts had wondered of to somewhere. His eyes showed the pain most clearly. She remembered her son, the way he had been at the age of 17, and she could not help but to notice, how much he had changed through these years, she saw all of this, just looking at his eyes.

"Can I talk with Michael alone?” Evelyn asked from the two men, standing behind her.

“Sure.” They both answered almost at the same time, and left the room.

“Michael, talk to me. You’re not well, I can see it...I want to know what you’re thinking.” She spoke with serious tone, and came face to face with his confused and scared expression. “You don’t have to act brave, and tell us that you’re fine, when it’s not true. We all want to help you, but you must let us do that.” She continued. Michael looked away from her, towards the window.

”I...I don’t what...” Michael struggled to say. Evelyn placed her hand on his cheek, and turned his face gently to meet hers. “Honey...I fear that you’ll close all of this that you’re feeling, inside you, and that sooner or later the pain will eat you up inside. You should talk, if not to us, then to someone else.” Michael felt the tears in his eyes, and his mother leaned to hug him. “Everything is alright, it’s alright to cry.” She comforted him with soft voice, stroking his hair.

“I don’t deserve your love.” Michael muttered in her arms, and it made her heart ache to hear him say that.

“What are you talking about dear, of course you deserve it. You deserve only the best.”

“No, it’s my entire fault, I was so stupid, self-satisfied and I deserved it.” Michael’s body was shaking against his mothers. “What ever they did to you, or made you believe, it’s not true, you never did anything to deserve it, no one deserves to go through what you have...And you’re not self-satisfied, you never were. You are a warm hearted, beautiful and wise, my own dear son. You were still a child when you left, none of this is your fault, understand? Nothing!”


Finally Michael calmed down; he laid his head back onto the pillow. Evelyn wiped the tears away from his face.

“Everything will be alright, everything will turn out for the better, even if it would look bad now, believe me.” She smiled gently. Michael was quiet for a moment.

“Do you know anything about Tony? Is he alright?” Michael asked suddenly, he really needed to know.

“Tony is fine. After you left, he came to see us very often, always asking news from you. He still visits us, when ever he can. I don’t know what exactly happened between you two all those years ago, but Tony seems to believe that your leaving was his fault. He misses you greatly.” Michael could hardly believe what he was hearing. Tony had asked about him? Felt guilty for him? Missed him?

“It wasn’t his fault.” Michael muttered, while staring at the wall.

“Maybe you could give him a call sometime, when you’re feeling better?” Evelyn suggested. Michael thought about this for a moment then Sam returned to the room.

“The police are here, you think you can talk with them now?” Sam asked from the doorway. Michael nodded his head for reply. Sam left and soon returned with one female and one male officer.

“Could you wait outside mom?” Michael asked he really didn’t want her to hear any possible details that he might have to tell them.

“Of course sweetheart.” Evelyn kissed his forehead, and left. Sam sat by his bed side.

“Sam, maybe you should...” Michael started, but Sam looked at him with confident, interrupting him.

“No, I stay here, by your side.” Michael looked at him with doubt, he wondered would it be any good for his boyfriend to hear this, but when he saw Sam’s definite expression, he let him stay. The officers sat down on the extra chairs brought in. “Would you tell us what happened? Can you name the persons, who kidnapped you? How many were there? That sort of thing.” Michael was quiet for a moment, trying to calm himself down. ‘Ricky will kill you if you tell. Somehow he will avenge this on you. You know this.’ The voice in his head tried to tell him.

Sam took his hand, and squeezed it soothingly. Michael looked at his boyfriend once more with insecure, before he started. “There were six men...” His voice started quietly. From the corner of his eye, he could see that Sam had startled after hearing this. He seemed to go pale a little.

“Can you tell us who they were?” The woman officer asked.

“Ric...Ricky Matthews, Jean Parouxe, Joe Taylor...As for the others, I did not know them from before. They called one of the men; Dan, he was a Yankee, and another Yankee man, who’s forename was Steve...and then there was a French man, called Jacques.” The male officer was writing the names down.

“You need to give us a statement of what happened, tell us what they did to you.” The man officer said. ‘Oh God.’ Michael thought horrified. He didn’t want to go through that hell all over again, and Sam would be hearing this? The woman officer noticed his distress.

“Calm down, take your time.” She said and smiled gently. Michael took a few deep breaths before he began telling the main features of what happened. He finished his telling to how Jean had saved him from the place, but that Ricky had seen them and shot at him. Jean had brought him to the car, driven by Patrick, and they had brought him into the hospital. He told them that Jean had originally planned to take him some place else, if the shooting had not happened.

“Can you describe what they looked like?” The man asked. And Michael tried to explain it the best he could, it felt so hard, he would rather forget all about them.

He looked at Sam, who seemed even paler, once he had heard all of this.

“Can you tell us where the house is situated?” Michael tried to think. He remembered that the drive there had seemed really long, but on the other hand he had been in complete panic at the time, and wasn’t sure was the drive there really that long, and on the drive to the hospital, he had been only half conscious, so...

“I only remember, that it was a big, white house surrounded by forest, I think the house belonged to this Jacques guy.” He remembered the house really dimly; he had only looked at it once, while they had been running towards the forest. The man stopped writing.

“We’ll rewrite your statement clean, and bring you the copy tomorrow for you to sign.” The man said, and both of the officers rose up.

“And do try not to worry, we will get these men, and they will be behind pars for many years.” The woman said and smiled to him. Michael smiled back to them a little insecurely. Then they left.

Michael hardly dared to look at Sam, who sat silently by his bed side, looking both mad and shocked at the same time. ‘Six men?! Six? Touching him, hurting him... They all deserve to die; they all deserve a fucking painful death!’ Sam thought darkly.

“Sam?...” Michael asked carefully, not getting any answer. ”Sam?” He tried again, this time getting him to wake from his thoughts. Sam looked at him, and Michael could see that he was thinking about all that had been done to him, and it brought pain in his eyes. ‘Sam hates me...He thinks of me as a whore...’ Michael thought, feeling scared and sad, he nipped his bottom lip.

Sam’s heart almost broke when he looked how scared his boyfriend looked. He leaned in closer to Michael, who startled a little of his approaching. Sam wrapped his arms around him, and felt how his body was shaking in his arms. Suddenly Michael pushed him off. Michael’s breathing was tense and he looked even more frightened, than before.

“What is it?” Sam asked with worry.

“I don’t know...I just...I remembered something. I’m sorry Sam.”

“You don’t have to say you’re sorry, it’s alright, I understand. I love you no matter what, remember that. Everything will be alright.” Sam comforted. Michael was sure that he would be hearing a lot of the phrase: ‘Everything will be alright.’ He just wasn’t sure could he believe in it anymore. It felt like, it had just happened too many times already.

Chapter 30.

Michael looked out from the window; the book was resting on his stomach, left open to the page, on which he stopped reading. He did like the book very much, but he was too frustrated to concentrate on reading properly. He wanted to rise up and walk, go outside, anything but, to lie still. He sighed deeply, and looked at the small table next to him; filled with flowers and cards. He felt somewhat darkly amused by them, and he wasn’t really sure why. He had been in the hospital another three days since he woke up. ‘Almost eleven days chained down.’ He thought darkly. The chains may not have been visible, or real any more, but he felt like they were still around him. “You need to rest.” They would say. “You lost a lot of blood, the surgery wound must heal thoroughly...You’re still too weak.” He sighted again. He was still in pain, but the pain seemed to be more inside him now; it was in his mind, in his soul, and in his heart. He felt it; as a constant anguish inside his chest that refused to leave him alone, and made breathing difficult at times.

Sam, his own parent’s, Kitty, Erick and Paul visited him often. And it wasn’t as if, he wouldn’t have been thankful of their support; the fact that they wanted to spend their time in that bleak hospital room, trying to cheer him up. It was just that, he could also feel the pity, and the worry around him, and it was starting to get somewhat depressing even agonizing, for him to feel. He could see so clearly, how careful they were with their choice of words around him, fearing that they might say something that would upset him.

The dreams were the worst, endless, horrifying nightmares. Repeating of those afoul five day’s and nights, or those years spent with Ricky. At times, the dreams started out well enough, but always turned into as nightmares towards the end. Sleeping-drugs were a blessing. He had noticed, once strong enough, they gave you a sweet, dreamless sleep, and Michael knew he would need them in the future.

“The worst is over.” They would say, but he felt like the most difficult part was still ahead of him. Every day would be a struggle; getting on with the normal life, learning to live with the nightmares and demons that would surely follow him to the grave. Fear, he would always be living with that feeling. He would never trust that the worse was over. His tortures were still out there. Ricky would try to gain revenge upon him, he was almost sure of it, and Jean? Jean still wanted him back. He would have been too weak to escape from Jean and Patrick that night. So perhaps the gunshot had saved him really. Michael shivered and closed his eyes, he hadn’t told anyone about his fear that Jean would come to get him, and he wasn’t going to tell them either. He didn’t want them to worry anymore than they already did.

The door opened.

“I have a great news love.” Sam said happily, when walking further into the room. Michael turned to look at him, and smiled. Seeing Sam smile, somehow always made him feel a little bit better.

“Tell me.” He asked. Sam sat on the chair next to him.

“They have captured Ricky, Joe, and those other two American’s from the airport. They have arrested them!” Sam told him, smiling with satisfaction. Michael could hardly believe this, he felt both relieved and scared about this information. “Ricky won’t hurt another person, ever again.” Sam continued. Michael closed his eyes, sighted deeply, and then looked at Sam with a smile.

“It is good news, thank you Sam.” He said then. His smile however, vanished soon, he stared into the emptiness.

“What is it? I thought that this would cheer you up.” Sam asked, touching his face gently.

“Jean is still out there and, what about that other French man?” Michael asked.

“It’s only a matter of time till they find them, don’t worry.” Sam tried to comfort. Michael felt panic gathering inside him, as he thought about the future trial that would inevitably follow.

“What about in the future, will I have to go testify? I don’t want to go to the court, do I have to? Must I meet with all of them again? To tell all those strangers what happened...I don’t want to, please, Sam say that I don’t have to do that...” Michael’s voice was small, filled with fear, he was shaking, and tears had gathered into his eyes. Sam took him into a gentle embrace.

“I know you are scared, but they will get their rightful sentences, do not fear.”

“How long sentences? What if they won’t believe me? What if they let Ricky go? He will hurt others, he wouldn’t stop.” Michael asked his arms still around his lover, who gave him comfort.

“The evidence against them is so strong; no judge would let them free. Remember that you’re not alone in this, you have me, your parent’s, and our friends.” Sam spoke; he stroked his lover’s hair soothingly. Michael thought about this for a moment. He tried to calm himself down and find some courage inside. He needed to be brave now, for as long as Ricky would be sentenced behind bars. ‘Finally it’s his turn to feel, what it’s like to be locked up; freedom taken away.’ He thought, feeling a slight satisfaction inside. Michael looked at Sam, smiled weakly, and squeezed his hand.

“I can do it; I can, because I have you at my side.”

“So, how are you feeling today?” Sam asked.

“I’m starting to feel better...” Michael started, hesitating slightly. “...But, its damn boring to stay here in the hospital, I would like to move already.” He said, still keeping his darker thoughts inside to himself.

“Wait, just one second, I’ll be right back.” Sam told him, and rose up. Michael looked after his boyfriend a little confused, he just told him that he was bored, and what does Sam do? Runs off?

Sam returned to the room, with a nurse and a wheel-chair, he had only been gone for ten minutes. Michael looked at them with doubt.

“What now?” He asked.

”Well, I thought that we could go for a little walk around the hospital or that I’ll do the walking and you...” Sam looked at the wheelchair and smiled. Michael was quiet for awhile, he looked at Sam, the wheelchair, the nurse, and then back at Sam.

“A wheelchair?” He said, looking at it again, sniffing his nose at it. Sam noticed, and grinned.

“Don’t you sniff your nose, you can’t walk just yet, you’re still too weak, so...” Sam was smiling, as the nurse came to Michael, and helped him to sit. The woman supported him as he rose up to his feet. ‘This is so stupid.’ He thought, feeling himself so helpless, and weak. He sat on the wheelchair.

“This is just so stupid, I can’t understand why I couldn’t just walk, and there is nothing wrong with my legs you know, just look.” Michael sighted, and lifted his other foot slightly, and then the other, proving that they indeed could move. Maybe Sam wasn’t aware of that? Maybe Sam thought that he was paralytic? He wondered. Sam laughed as he pushed the wheelchair to move on the corridors.

“Darling, I know that there’s nothing wrong with your legs, but they did an operation on you, only six day’s ago, we need to be careful still...and besides, this is good practice for me when I move you around in a nursing home, when we’re old.” Sam sneered.

“You move me around? Well I’m sorry to break this in to you Samuel, but it’s going to be me to push you around in a wheelchair, after all, I’m younger then you are. So enjoy this while you can dear.” Michael told him. Sam smiled behind him; he wouldn’t mind that at all, it would be so great to be together so long, until they both die of old age.

***************************

Lilly Doyle looked at her friend in disbelieve.

“Ricky’s been arrested?” She repeated. The younger woman took a sip of her coffee and lifted her eyes up to Lilly.

“Yes, I got the call yesterday, and I’m not really sure what to think of it.” Linda said, burrowing her eyebrows.

“Why have they arrested him?” Lily asked.

“Well that’s the strangest part of it...He’s being accused of deprivation of freedom, of rape, and attempted murder, with some other men. Apparently Joe Taylor, is one of these men.” Linda told her.

“Ricky and Joe rapists? No, I can not believe that...You said that they were arrested in Paris? Who is this woman, who accuses them?” Lily asked, very confused of what she had just learned. Linda was quiet for a moment; there was a strange look in her eyes, as she looked at her back.

“It’s not a woman Lily.” The younger woman said finally, with serious voice.

“What do you mean?” Lily asked.

“The victim is not a woman, it’s a young man.” Lily rose up, the disbelieve clear in her eyes.

"But you said that...” She started. Linda looked at her.

”That they have raped him? Yes Lily that is what they are being accused off.” Lily tried hard to take in what she heard, she just couldn’t understand it, it was so strange, and she had known Ricky from the age of seven.

"But...Ric-Ricky...Ricky is a straight man....Why on earth would he rape some man?” She was stammering. Linda gazed into the inside, of her coffee cup.

“Believe me Lily, this is just as hard for me to understand as it is for you....After Evan died, Ricky has been like a brother to me. I haven’t slept all night, I have just been thinking of what I learned last night. I talked with Ricky’s lawyers, and apparently the evidence against him is strong...I do not know what to think anymore, and on the other hand...I started thinking about him last night, Ricky is handsome, successful man. Why is it, that he has never had any serious, long term relationships? I used to think, that he far too busy man, for a wife, but now...” Linda sighted and continued. “I wouldn’t want to believe this, especially when it brought one very horrible thought into my mind, that...” Linda’s voice broke, and she started to cry.

Lily leaned her back against the kitchen counter, and closed her eyes. The thought that was in Linda’s mind had rose to her own mind too. If the thing, that they accused Ricky of, was indeed true, then what if?...Lily lift her shaking hand up to her temple, trying to force the terrible thought out. Linda rose up.

“I really have to go now Lily, I’ll talk to you later.” She said and came to give her a hug... Lily looked at her, opening her mouth to say something, about the thought that ran inside both of their shocked, and scared minds, but Lily noticed that she could not say it. She prayed that it would not be true.

“I’ll see you later Linda.” She said then, her voice trembling.

“See you.” The other whispered, smiled weakly, and left. Lily listened to the front door closed after her.

She walked into the sitting room, and sat on her favorite armchair. She looked at the only photograph, on the bookshelf. During countless sleepless and lonely nights she had gazed at this photo. “I love you Lily, always have, and always will. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” She could still hear his voice in her mind, even though it was over 30 years ago, when she had last heard it form his own mouth. She walked over to the shelf, took the photo in her hand and returned back to her seat. She looked at his face carefully from the picture, and felt the tears in her eyes.

“This is for you.” The boy smiled, and handed the small box to her. Lily opened it up, and saw the beautiful golden heart necklace inside it. “Oh Evan, this is so beautiful.” She sighed. “I had it engraved, look.” Evan said and turned the necklace around. “E&L, Love you." She looked at her boyfriend and kissed his lips. “Wait, I’ll put it on for you.” The boy said, as they broke from the kiss. He brushed her hair gently a side from her neck and affixed the necklace lock. Lily raised her hand to touch it. “I’ll never take this off, I’ll wear it always. I love you Evan.” “And I love you Lil.”

She had done what she promised; she never took off the necklace. She had worn it ever since. Even when some other necklace would have been better to wear to some function, she had refused to take it off. She could still remember, the touch of his hands on her neck. They had meant to spend their lives together. They had been very young, but they had counted on each other’s love. They had known each other since playing age, and slowly their friendship had turned into love as they grew up.

“I know that we’re still young Lil, but I also know that I’ll never love another...I’m not a rich man like Ricky, I don’t think I’ll ever be, but I know I could make you happy. I want to have children with you, and grow old with you.” Lily remembered all their dreams, all Evan’s dreams. She remembered how often they had just lied side by side, talking about their future. They had been each others firsts. Lily still remembered what it had been like to make love with him, how soft his hands had felt like, his lips; like smooth, warm petals of a rose. No one had ever touched her the way he had, it had never again felt so good, as it had with him.

The tears fell down on her face. She remembered the change that had taken her angel away. A darkness had fallen on them, without warning. Evan had changed, and disappeared into his dread more quickly than any of them had time to understand. One moment he had been there, and the next; he was gone forever. One, warm June day, they had been laughing, making love, and dreaming of future, and the next she came face to face with a boy, who had refused to let her close. “Go away! Do not touch me Lily! I want you gone! Leave!” He had screamed, eyes glimmering with tears. He had never before screamed at her, never before had he pushed her away so roughly when she tried to get near. Lily had not understood, she had begun to cry, begging for an explanation to his behavior, but he had still refused to let her close, and anyone else who had tried. He only started to get worse, he seemed somehow haunted, tired, and desperate. He started to drift even further away, and she had desperately tried to get a hold of him, but she had failed.

7.31.1973, she would never forget that day. She had walked over to Evan’s house, attempting to finally get out, what ever was troubling him. When she had reached close to the house, she had seen the police cars and an ambulance. Two men were carrying a litter, with a covered body on it. She remembered seeing Ricky in the yard, the boy had been crying. Evan’s parents; Emily’s heart wrenching cries, and David; she had never seen a man crying so hard. Lily had run over there, hardly seeing anything through her tears.

“Evan!” She had cried out, over and over again, but the boy had not come, and she had known, but her heart didn’t want to believe. Her legs had given up from under her, and she had fallen on the lawn with her knees. “Evan!...No, no!...Ev...” Ricky had come to her, and knelt down beside her.

“Oh Lil, this is so horrible...so horrible...” He had said and wrapped his arms around her.

“Evan...I want Evan, I want him...Why isn’t he coming? Ev...”

Lily hardly remembered anything that happened the next month. She had wanted to die, her heart seemed to have broken into so many pieces, that it would be impossible for it to heal ever again. Everything had seemed to lost it’s meaning, there had been nothing but pain, she had cried out for him, called her boyfriends name in her sleep, prayed that he would return by miracle. She had almost taken her own life too, but Ricky had found her before she had managed to do that, and he had stopped her. Ricky had been there for her, and she had been there for him.

Lily shook her head. She walked into the bedroom and took an old letter between the pages of her old diary. The letter that Evan had wrote to her, for his last goodbyes. She stared at the paper, which now had a yellowish color on it after all these years, she looked at the familiar handwriting, before she began to read.

Dear Lily

I have struggled for hours with writing this letter. I never thought I’d be saying my goodbyes to you this soon. There’s still so much to say, but the time is running out. I’m so tired, I haven’t slept in days. I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t scared, but I have already made my decision. I know that it’s a sin, what I’m about to do, but I find myself in-able to carry on any longer. I’m so sorry Lily, I hope that you’ll forgive me for this. That you all will.


My dear, sweet Lily, do not ever think, that I did not love you. I love you with all that I am, or all that I was before, I have loved you all my life. Remember us, and remember me the way that I was before, not what I have become. Those things that we talked about, the future that we planned, I wanted it, all that I said then was true, and it came straight from my heart. Something happened though, something that I can not speak about. It changed me so completely, that I cannot live another day, carrying the horrible memory of it inside. It haunts me, and it’s eating me up inside. I know, that it will not stop, the demon will not leave, and I cannot live my life with that demon that possesses me. This is the only way I can run from it, trust me, I have tried, but I can not see any other way out of this.

My love, you deserve a man, who can give you everything that he has. Who will love you everyday, and who will make you smile, and laugh. Your laugh, is the most beautiful sound in the world that I have ever heard, and you are the most beautiful thing that I have ever seen. I want you to be happy, and to be you loved. Be happy Lily, remember me, but you must carry on with your life.

I ask for your forgiveness once more. Remember that you could not have done anything that would have changed things. I just can’t go on like this. Maybe we’ll see each other again someday, in another life, or in heaven, if it welcomes me. I’ll wait for you, in the after life. I wait and watch how you live your life till you become an old lady. My last wish is to see you happy, remember this Lily.

With my undying love: Evan.

Lily looked at the letter long, squeezed it against her chest and cried. ‘Why Evan, why?’ She asked the same question, that she had asked herself all those 30-years. Evan’s last wish had been, that she would be happy and that she would carry on with her life. She tried, but happiness had been difficult to reach, her heart had never healed. She had married at the age of 26, and she had divorced four years later.

“I can not compete with a dead man, to win your heart. I’m tired of his ghost Lily.” Harry had told her, when telling her that he wanted a divorce. Lily had not said a word, she had understood. She had never really loved Harry. It had always been more like a friendship on her part. After Harry, she had been alone, her heart would always belong to a boy, who had died over thirty years ago. She knew that many thought that she was weird because of it, but she really didn’t care.

"Is Ricky the demon that you spoke of? Did he hurt you in some way?” She asked from the emptiness. She needed to know the truth, after all those years, she needed to finally know what happened in that summer, over 30-years back. She would travel to Paris to get her answers.

*********

Ricky sat in front of the table, of the bleak, gloomy room, his hands resting on the table, handcuffs on. When Lily walked in, the man looked at her with a smile.

“Lily I’m so happy that you came, I was missing a friendly face.” Ricky said, as she sat down on the opposite seat. Lily looked at him, wondering. “This is just so ridiculous. Did you hear what they accuse me of?” He asked.

“Yes, I heard.” She answered, not taking her eyes off him.

“Me? Raping and trying to murder someone? Have you ever heard something so absurd as that?” Ricky asked, shaking his head.

Lily had heard more information of the case, during these few days, and was now very skeptical towards her old friend.

“Then why do they have your DNA?” She asked.

“How should I know? The boy is crazy, and they believe him more than me! Surely you believe me, Lily?” The woman sighed deeply, it was beginning to become clear to her that Ricky was indeed guilty, and he still tried to deny it.

“I heard that, two years ago, that same young man lived with you Ricky. For almost four years! They have witnesses, who say they thought he was your nephew. How can you explain that?” Lily asked, and leaned backwards on her chair. Ricky’s expression darkened, he was quiet for a moment. “Did you do something to Evan? Do you have something to do with his death?” Lily asked her voice tense. ‘Why didn’t I see this before?’ She asked silently to herself.

Ricky stared at her, his eyes seemed to blacken even more, than usual, and a cruel smile rose to his lips. Lily felt slightly scared of him.

“I think Lily that; I may end up in jail...” He started. “Evan was beautiful, wasn’t he?” He continued, his eyes seemed to dig into her very soul. Lily felt very uncomfortable. “Our sweet Evan. Yes, I think of him often...He came to me, that one evening, we were at the pool and he talked about you constantly ‘Lily this and Lily that’ –Do you know how annoying that was? And at the same time he was teasing me, with that perfect body of his, swinging his tight, little as in front of me...You remember that? Remember how perfect he was Lily?” Lily looked at him, so shocked that she could barely speak. “You really want to know, do you?...You want to hear, how your boyfriend begged for me? How he screamed under me? Moaning like a whore, screaming like a woman, when I took him...He bled Lily. That night he was truly beautiful.” Lily was shaking all over from fury and shock, under his piercing eyes. “You want to hear more? I took him again, on the same bed that you two must have made love on. I asked him, would he rather have me to take you instead, and he sacrificed himself for you. The wretched whore must really have loved you Lily. How stupid love can make you?...It is a shame that he killed himself, I had so much fun with him, as I did with the whore that is the reason that I’m here now.” Ricky laughed.

“You sick, disgusting, sadistic perverse! He was your friend! Evan was your friend!” Lily screamed rising up, she walked towards him screaming and crying. “Rot in hell Ricky! I hope that they rip you apart in jail!” She cried, and was about charge over him, when the guards came to pull her away. “Rot in hell!” She kept screaming when the guards lead her out. Ricky leaned back, and smiled with sick satisfaction on his face. Oh, how he enjoyed others suffering, and their pained screams. Lily would have nightmares, he thought, and his smile grew. He knew that he was going to jail, but he had no intention of staying there for the rest of his life. No, he would be free sooner or later. He knew how to play this game. He knew what to do...

Chapter 31.

10.17.2003

Finally they released him home from the hospital. Michael was still surprised of how tired he felt; tired and weak. Sam lead him to sit on the couch, he knelt down in front of him, and looked at him carefully.

“You need anything? Some, tea? Something to eat? Can I get you a blanket? I...” Sam started asking. Michael smiled to him weakly and brought his finger to his lips, to interrupt him.

“Relax my love, I’ll be fine...I would love a cup of tea though.” He said. Sam rose up immediately, to fur-fill his need. Michael looked after him, with a smile. He felt his mother’s hand stroking his hair; he turned to look at her. She circled the couch, and sat next to him.

“How are you feeling dear?”

“I feel fine.” He answered. Evelyn looked at her son with worry; she feared that the smile on his face was only a mask to cover his true pain inside. She knew her son well, she knew that he didn’t want others to worry because of him, but he would need their help. He needed to talk about it, to get the pain out and start the proper healing. She lift her hand up to his face, and looked at him sadly, but smiling.

“You still won’t talk to us.” She said quietly. Michael looked at her with surprise; he lifted his own hand up to touch hers. “What do you mean? I do talk.” Evelyn stroked his cheek gently.

“You always say that you’re fine, but are you fine? You’re eyes have always given you away, I look at you and I...You’re trying to protect us, when you really wouldn’t need to.” She said to him. Michael backed up from her slightly.

“I’m fine mom, really, I am.” He sighted and looked at his mother, hoping to convince her.

Sam returned into the living room with a tea-tray. Michael took the cup into his hands.

“Sam has a birthday coming up, should start arranging something, a party perhaps.” Michael said, wanting to change the subject. Evelyn sighted and looked at Sam, who also seemed worried. Sam sat next to Michael.

”I thought that we could just celebrate it here, just the two of us.” Sam said looking at him. Michael burrowed his eyebrows. “Sam I know you want a party, so just stop pretending! Stop treating me like I could brake at any moment! I’m not sick, I am not broken! I do not need your pity, or your worry! So stop it!” He shouted, rising up. The anxiety inside him seemed to grow, he was breathing fast, and the room seemed to shift in his eyes. Hands were wrapped around him, to pull him into a gentle hug. He hadn’t even realized, that he was crying. Sam was whispering soothingly into his ear, as his hands were stroking his back. Michael was still shaking; he remembered them, his rapist, the hold seemed to tighten around him, but it was only in his mind. He couldn’t get free, he thought. They were coming. He struggled free from this hold, and took few unsure steps backwards. He felt so lost, and so scared. It had been Sam, who had been holding him, so why had he pulled away from him? He wasn’t sure anymore. Evelyn came to her son, hugged him gently.

“You must be just tired dear, you should get some sleep.” She whispered, and led him into the bedroom.

Sam sat on down the couch; his heart was aching from the thought that Michael might have been scared of his touch. Henry was sitting on an armchair, opposite from Sam, and he looked at the depressed looking young man closely.

“Give him some time Samuel. He’s just confused, we must understand that. I know that I would be too, if I were him...” He started, and then after thinking his words, he continued. “He doesn’t let me touch him either, have you not noticed? Only his mother and, that friend of yours. Kitty? Was that her name?” Henry asked. Sam nodded his head, and looked at the man with surprise. “Anyway, he lets them touch himself with ease. And I have seen him letting you close at times, so do not worry, and do not give up on him. He needs you now, more than ever. Give him what he needs, and I’m sure that in time, he will let you close again, like before. You just need to have patience. Michael however is a very strong person mentally...I remember when he was a little boy, and one time, he fell down on a horse. We were all terrified that he had hurt himself really badly, but as I ran to him, he just looked up to me and said; “Daddy, I want to try again. Lift me up” Well this is so much worse than that, but still, he has a strong will to fight, he will pull through this, I know it.” Sam was really surprised now, Henry hadn’t talked to him much, and now he was comforting him? Telling him to stay by Michael’s side? Sam was opening his mouth, not sure what to say. “Do not look so surprised. I may seem like an old man, stuck to my own stubborn ways, but peoples do change, or at least I have. I see things now more clearly then I did before. Michael is my son, he is gay, and he loves you. I accept that now...And I do love my son, I will not see him hurt again, if you do that, then you have me as an enemy, and trust me you do not want that. Is this clear?”

“Yes, Mr. Wills, of course. I love Michael, I will always love him, and I’ll always stay by him.” Sam told him.


Evelyn covered her son up, with a blanket, she stroked his hair gently. His mothers touch calmed Michael, it made him feel save.

“Try to sleep now sweetheart.” She whispered.

“Will you be here when I wake up?” Michael asked.

“We’ll be staying in a hotel for tonight, but we’ll see you again tomorrow.” She answered and kissed his forehead.

“I missed you.” He muttered.

“And I missed you dear, so much...Your father has to go back to work soon, but if you want, I could stay here with you.”

“It’s okay mom, don’t worry, I’ll be fine, and I’ll have Sam with me.”

“You’ll come home for Christmas with him, won’t you?” She asked.

“Of course, I miss home.” Michael whispered. Evelyn smiled.

“Sleep well...I love you.”

“I love you too mom.”

His mother left the room, and closed the door after her. Michael laid back in bed, not really wanting to fall a sleep, he was afraid of his dreams. He wondered when the trial would be, he guessed that it would bee soon. Jean was the only one who was still free, and no one had heard a word from Patrick either. Patrick would be arrested too, if they found him, they suspected him of assisting in this crime. Michael was scared, what if it would never end? He cried silently, shivering under the blanket. The memories were cruel, and they did not leave him alone. “Whore…mine…so tight...always mine.” The words echoed in his mind and he squeezed his eyes close. The pain, he would never forget the pain.

Sam heard his lover screaming, and ran quickly into the bedroom. Evelyn and Henry had already left.

“No, no, no...No more! Stop!” Michael screamed in hysteria, he was twirling on the bed.

“Michael!” Sam called, but did not get an answer. He sat beside him, and pulled him close to his chest.

“No, no, no, let go! Let go of me! No more! Let go!” Michael screamed. He was hitting Sam’s chest with his fists. He didn’t seem to understand where he was, or who was he with.

“Relax honey, it’s me. You’re safe, calm down, I won’t hurt you.” Sam said, trying to keep his own voice calm. Michael was still struggling, and Sam had to hold on to his wrist to stop him from hitting him. Sam had tears in his eyes, he was scared. Michael still acted like he didn’t know him.

“Michael stop. It’s me here, Sam, you’re home, and you’re safe.” He whispered Michael was still trembling; he let out a small, desperate sigh, but finally calmed down and let Sam hold him in his arms.

“It’s okay.... it’s okay.” Sam kept saying. He heard how Michael was crying now.

Michael’s grip on him tightened, his legs were wrapped around Sam, and he rested his head on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry Sam, I’m so scared. I need you, I’m sorry. Don’t leave me, stay with me...scared, need you...” He whispered, holding on to him, like fearing that he might disappear.

“Is this what you fear; that I would leave you?” Sam asked carefully.

“Y-yes, why should you want me anymore? Why should you want a whore? I’m no good...” He whispered. Sam held him close; tears fell down on his face.

“I do want you, I’ll always want you. And don’t you ever say that again, you are not a whore, and you are good. You are my everything. My angel, my life, I’ll never leave you. Come what may, remember? We will not let them break us up; no one can do that, okay?” Sam looked at him firmly; he held his hands on both side of his face. Michael nodded.

“I love you Sam” He whispered through his tears, his lips almost touching Sam’s. Sam kissed him carefully on the lips and on his cheeks.

“I love you too, always.” He whispered.

Sam brought him some sleeping pills and a glass of water. Michael took them, and then lay back down on the bed.

“Sing something to me.” Michael asked and took his hand into his.

“I don’t know if I can, what should I sing?” Sam asked, smiling.

“I know you can, sing something, anything.”

“Alright well here it goes, and don’t you dare laugh...” Sam warned.

“I won’t laugh.” Michael whispered.

“Well, this is the first that came to my mind.” Sam said and started singing, with a voice, no louder than a whisper.

“Twinkle, twinkle little star, How I wonder what you are, Up above the world so high, Like a diamond in the sky. Twinkle, twinkle little star, How I wonder what you are...” Michael smiled.

“I loved it, sing me more, until I’ll fall a sleep.” He asked and closed his eyes. Sam started singing again.

Sam didn’t know how long he laid there. Michael was sleeping already, he looked so peaceful now. Sam touched his face gently.

“I love you.” He whispered, and kissed his forehead. He wished that he could take all those demons from his mind away, and make him happy again. Sam touched his lips carefully. He missed making love with Michael, but he was quite sure, that it would take a long time before Michael would be ready for that. He could wait, and he would wait, as long as it would take. Sam staid close to him, closed his eyes, and finally he fell a sleep too.

11.6.2003

Michael laid on the couch, wrapped under the blanket. He stared into the emptiness.

“I brought some supper from the Chinese, come to eat?” Sam called from the kitchen. “Michael?” He called again, still not getting an answer. He came into the living room. “Come to eat darling.” He saw. Michael looked up at him, with tired eyes. He rose up, but did not say a word.

They sat in front of the table.

“You should eat love.” Sam said with worry, when Michael hadn’t even touched his plate. Michael took his fork and started moving the food around with it. Finally he took some on his fork, and brought it into his mouth. He chewed it slowly, and swallowed it down like it was something hard to do. Sam’s heart was aching as he watched this. There were days when he seemed fine, and then there were more days like this one. Michael didn’t talk so often anymore, and he barely ate. Sam wondered was this change for the worse because of the fact that the day of the trial was nearing. It was hard to watch from the side, as his lover seemed to fade away, little, by little. He wanted to help, but didn’t know what to do.

“I don’t feel so good, I’ll eat later.” Michael said finally, rose up and went back into the living room, to lie on the couch. Sam looked after him with sadness. He felt so powerless. Ho rose up, cleaned the table and walked into the living room with him. He sat down on the armchair, and looked at Michael quietly.

The pain inside him didn’t leave him alone. He was unhappy, the anguish inside him was spreading, his moods were flinging. His appetite seemed to have vanished. He was tired. He pondered about his own life, and he started to feel even more that it had all been his own fault. So many things spoke for it; so many men had used him, so many thought of him as a whore. Maybe they were right? How many times had he been raped? He didn’t even remember anymore. It usually didn’t happen to one person so many times, why he had been so unlucky? Maybe Jean had been right? Maybe he did send out some signals? Why else had it happen so many times? ‘Not normal’ He kept thinking. ‘My fault.’ He thought right after. Even Tony had once remarked him, about how he flirted with peoples. 'Maybe I asked for it?' He wondered and closed his eyes, as he felt tears gathering into them.

-Flash back-
6.2.1997

Tony sat next to Michael in the park. It was a warm, beautiful day. Michael leaned his back against the tree, eating a Popsicle. Tony was doing his Spanish homework, in which Michael had agreed to help him with.

“Alright, listen if this sounds right....Hola, mi nombre es Tony, Soy 17-años, Soy de Plymouth.” Tony said, and was looking at his book.

“Michael?” He asked, when his friend didn’t answer. Tony lift his gaze up, and looked at the way his friend was eating his popsicle, his mouth opening, it was somehow really disturbing and...Hot.. Michael was looking straight at Sean, who sat a little further away, looking back at Michael. Sean was looking at him really oddly, Tony noticed.
“Michael? What in earth are you doing?” Tony asked, he felt as though he blushed. Michael pulled the Popsicle out of his mouth and looked at him.

“What do you mean? I’m eating my sherbet of course.” He answered, blinking his big eyes, and sounding really innocent. “Well, um...Could you eat it in a more, um...In a way that it wouldn’t be so distracting?” Michael blinked his eyes at this. “How is this distracting?”

“Well, you are eating it like...You looked at Sean, and you were sucking on that like...” Tony stammered, his cheeks were burning. Michael started to laugh.

“Like what Tony?” He asked, still laughing.

“Well alright, I noticed that Sean was staring at me, he always stares at me, God only knows why, but I thought that if he wanted to look at me so, I give him something worthy to stare at...I just sat here, minding my own business, enjoying this fine day, and he started to stare at me.” Michael explained.

“You are so weird, did you know that?” Tony told him smiling, and shook his head. Michael stuck his tongue out at him.

“Well it’s a good thing, you have gotten used to it by now Tony.” He said then. Tony looked at him again.

“You flirt really often, you do it all the time, with everybody.” Tony grinned.

"What? I wasn’t flirting.” Michael tried.

“Sure you weren’t.” Tony laughed. Michael looked at him, a bit stunned expression on his face.

“You do flirt, and you do it a lot! You may not realize it yourself, it comes so naturally from you, but I have been watching. At this very moment, there are at least five different girls, who are having serious fantasies about you, thinking that they have a big chance with you, because you have flirted with them; Sarah, Jeanna, Rebecka, Annie, and of course Jenny, who by the way, is quite mad at you because of these others. And I’m dying with jealousy, along with the other guys. Five most gorgeous girls, drooling after you! And you don’t even seem to notice it!” Tony continued.

“Don’t be absurd Tony, I do not flirt with everyone." Michael snorted and continued. “But about those five, how am I supposed to help it, if they keep throwing themselves at me in every direction? It’s quite amusing really.” Michael grinned.

“But you do encourage them, with the way you are acting...Well alright, I’ll be you for one moment, and you can be some new person.” Michael looked at Tony and raised his eyebrow with suspicion. “Hi! I’m Michael Wills. *blink, blink*” Tony said, with a tempting smile. “What’s your name? *smile*...Wow, where have you bought these jeans? They look so great on you!” Michael poked at Tony’s side playfully.

“Stop it Tony, I’m not like that! If I would flirt, I wouldn’t do it like that! That was just stupid.” Michael laughed.

“Well in any case, you do it a lot!”

“What ever Tony...”
 

Chapter 32.

November 10th

Michael sat next to Sam in a small room talking with his lawyer about the trial, that would be held on November 12th “Now, don’t you worry about a thing, we will win this, there’s no question about it. This trial is more about how long sentences they will be getting. And with that, we have a good chance to send them behind bars for many years.” The lawyer, named Peter Jones, age 45, explained to them. He was a very well known prosecutor; Sam had wanted the very best man for this job.

“We have two new witnesses, who are repaired to witness against Richard Matthews. The other one is a woman, who has known him for many years, her name is Lily Doyle. Does this name say anything to you?” Mr. Jones asked. “No.” Michael answered, after trying to remember had he ever heard the name before. “Well, she thought so, but she did wish to meet with you, before the trial, if that’s alright with you?” “I-I guess.” Michael said and looked at Sam, who squeezed his hand and smiled gently. “And then we had a call from a man named Jack Linse. A very important witness, I believe you know him?” “What, Jack? He’s here?” Michael asked in surprise. “Yes, he read of the case in the paper, and called us, he’s coming to Paris tomorrow.” Peter smiled. “Oh, my god, oh my god...Did you hear that Sam?! Jack is coming here! He’s alive!” Michael smiled to him, seeming genuinely happy for the first time in a long time. “Yes I heard.” Sam smiled looking at him warmly. “He did say that he wished to meet with you too, right after the trial.” Mr. Jones added.

They discussed about other small details, for example, there would be no press allowed inside, the case was being dealt behind closed doors, no outsiders would be allowed in. Then Mr. Jones got a call. “Alright, Mrs. Doyle is here now, are you ready to see her?” He asked then. Michael nodded his head carefully, and watched as the lawyer rose up. “I’ll go and get her.” He said and left the room. Michael wasn’t sure what to expect, who this woman was, and why did she want to meet with him. Sam stroked his thigh soothingly and smiled to him when meeting with his eyes.

The door opened, and a woman in her mid forties entered. She had brown hair, up to her shoulders, and striking blue eyes, she was lean and not very tall. She looked friendly, and somehow sad, even through her smile.

Lily looked at the young man, and she froze. Those eyes; it was like looking at Evan all over again. Sure there were differences, but at the same time, there was so much common. She felt the tears in her eyes. She walked forward, still looking at him, and only him.

“Hello, I’m Lily Doyle” She said and offered her hand, which the young man took. “Michael Harris.” He said. Lily sat down. ”Oh my God, you look so much like him, your eyes...” She started and almost reached out to touch him, but quickly pulled her hand back, remembering that she had no such right. “I’m sorry, you must not have any idea who I am...I have known Ricky for...oh God...can’t even remember how long, and only now I found out what he truly is; a cold hearted monster, who does not have the right to live...You see, when I was young, I loved a boy named Evan Bristley, Ricky was our friend and...” Lily started. “And Ricky raped him when they were 16, killing him by doing this, yes, I know who Evan was.” Michael stopped her, a little shocked expression on his face, he had always wondered about Evan and his family.

Michael touched her hand. “I’m so sorry I...” He started, not really knowing what to say. “You know this? How? I mean, I just…” Lily started. ”Ricky had his old stuff in his place, and a video. One time I found them, and Ricky found me watching the tape. He told me everything he had done to him, and he...” Michael had to stop for awhile, when the memories of that day started to return. Ricky had indeed told him everything, every single horrifying detail, Ricky had raped him that day, more than just once, whispering to him, telling him...No he did not want to remember this, not now.

Lily had tears in her eyes; she held his hand between hers. “Ricky is a monster...None of us saw it, I still have a hard time to believe that...” She cried, struggling to say what she wanted to say. “...That summer before he died, Evan once told me, that he thought that Ricky had been acting weird lately. We talked about it, we thought that he was just jealous of our relationship, from the fact that Evan had me and he was alone...We were going to set him up with someone, we had no idea that...Ricky was acting weird because he wanted him. And now looking back the time, it all makes sense; the way he was looking at Evan, the way he talked to him just before...Why didn’t I see it then? If I had, then...” Michael looked at the woman feeling sad for her, he wasn’t sure what he should say, but it seemed that he should try to say something.

“I lived with Ricky, for almost four years, and in all that time, no one even suspected that I wouldn’t have been his nephew. I was too afraid to tell, too afraid to speak out loud, and he...” Michael had to take a deep breath, before he could continue. He had tried so hard to forget about those years, and now, talking about them, felt so incredibly hard. “...I believe I know him, almost better than anyone, better than I would want to. I have seen his true side, and it’s anything but pretty, I have also seen the side he shows to the others, and yes, he can play that role so well, that... I swear there were plenty of times that I wondered was he even human...What I’m trying to tell you, is that you shouldn’t wonder what if. Ricky has a way to take anything that he wants in one way or another. There’s nothing you could have done, Ricky is the only one to blame.”

Lily smiled sadly. “I’m so sorry about what he did to you. You seem so...I see a lot of Evan in you, in your eyes and, well...He was a good person like you, I hate Ricky for what he did to both of you, even when I don’t really know you. I will testify against him, and I can only hope that what I have to say, will give him more time in prison. He would deserve to die, I pray for it to happen soon, and that he will suffer a great deal of pain in the process.”

They talked for a little while longer. Lily asked could she perhaps write to him, every once and awhile, to see how he would be doing. Michael agreed, he didn’t know this woman, but she seemed nice enough, and he felt sorry for her. Michael thought that the reason that she wanted to keep in touch with him, was because he reminded her of the love of her life. If it would give her some happiness or comfort, then he would be more than happy to write to her, and receive letters back.

Michael felt exhausted once they came back home with Sam. He couldn’t stop thinking about Jack, Lily, Evan and the trial. He sat on the couch, and wrapped a blanket around himself. Sam sat next to him. “What are you thinking? You seem to be somewhere far away with your thoughts.” Sam asked, and placed his arm around his shoulders. Michael laid his head against his chest. “I’m thinking about Jack mostly, can’t believe that I’m going to see him soon, he’s the reason that I survived those years. That I made it without killing myself, or loosing my mind.” Michael whispered. “I need to thank him when I see him.” Sam said smiling, and stoked his lover’s hair.

“That’s not all that you’re thinking though, is it?” Sam asked then. “No it isn’t, you always see through me so well...” Michael looked up to him and smiled weakly. He then laid his head back, against his chest. ”...I was thinking about that woman; Lily, and Evan. I was also thinking about the trial, I’m scared, I won’t try to deny that I wouldn’t be.” “Do you remember what you said to Lily?” Sam asked softly. “What do you mean?” Michael asked in confusion. “You said that she shouldn’t wonder what if, and that Ricky is the only one to blame for what happened.” Sam said and looked at him carefully. “Yes... but why do you ask?” Michael lifted his head up again, so that he could see Sam’s face. Sam smiled gently, and touched his cheek.

“Well, what I was wondering: why do you give absolution to everyone else, but yourself? Why do you still blame yourself? And don’t tell me that you don’t because I know you do.” Michael was opening his mouth, not sure what to answer. “I...It’s easier to forgive for everyone else, but yourself. I do blame myself; I think that I could have done things differently... I know now, that I have always played with fire. I did sense danger, but I never really thought that it would get me for real. I thought that nothing could really hurt me, that bad things happened to others, not to me. I was vain and I...” Sam stopped him by pressing a finger onto his lips. “Not any vainer than anyone else in this world. You were a just a teen-ager, who saw his whole life ahead of himself, with the possibility’s, and who thought too well of people.” “You didn’t know me back then Sam, but I know what I was, and I was vain.” Michael said, turning his eyes away from him. “Alright, I can’t argue with you, but I can only tell you this; what ever you were, or weren’t, you are not the one to be blamed. You’re innocent, and you are a good, loving person. Please stop blaming yourself for nothing.” Sam turned his face to meet with his. “I’ll try Sam, but that’s all that I can promise right now.”

11.12.2003 The trial.

It was horrible to sit there, in front of all those people, and to know and feel how they watched him, especially Ricky; his piercing black eyes fixed on him tightly, Michael could feel it, and he felt so dirty. The defender approached, and his heart started to beat wildly in his chest.

“Isn’t it true, that men have paid for having sex with you, during one point of your life? Simply answer yes or no.” The man asked. “Y-yes.” Michael answered feeling a shamed. He quickly glanced over at Ricky, realizing that he shouldn’t have. Ricky just made him feel more uncomfortable by smiling to him, and licking his lips, so that he was the only one to notice this. “Your lifestyle has been quite...hmm...shall we say; precarious? Did any of the defendants ever buy sexual services from you?” Michael looked at him, confused, in truth he wasn’t sure what to answer to this. Joe had been with him in bed, more than once during those years, but had he paid for him? Michael didn’t know, or remember. All he did know was that he had never wanted to be a whore; he had never wanted any of it. But the question was; had they bought it from him? That would be no, because he had never sold himself, Ricky had.

“No.” He finally answered. “No? Are you sure? Maybe you left with these men voluntary, and now your conscience is weighing on you and you decide to accuse them of rape.” The man smiled as he said this. “Objection! The counsel is making his own absurd conclusions. ” The prosecutor cried out. “The objection approved.” Michael felt that it was hard to breath, he shivered. ‘Dirty, so dirty.’ He thought to himself.

“How old were you, when you first met with Mr. Matthews?” The prosecutor asked. “17” “Only 17?..How long did you live with him?” “From November 1997 to September 2001” Michael answered. “During this time, you didn’t keep in touch with your family, can I ask why?” “Because I was afraid. Ricky forbid me, he um, he had video tapes and some photographs of me, he said that he would spread them out if I left him. I didn’t know how to get out, he told me that he would find me, if I would try to run...and well, then he did...”

“Did you ever get the money for yourself, when you had sex with different men?” “No” “Did you agree with having sex?” “No, I never wanted it.” “Who got the money?” “Richard Matthews." “So let me get this right; he sold your ‘services’ to other men, and took the money for himself?” “Yes.” “Without your approval in having sex with them?” “Yes.”
“Objection, this is irrelevant to the case.” The defender cried out. “Your Honour, I think that this is very important, to know what kind of man Richard Matthews is, and what lead to this situation.” “Objection denied.” The judge said.

“Two years ago you left him?” “Yes. I got help from Jean Parouxe.” Michael answered. “Who was also involved in this crime that we are dealing here today, but who we haven’t been able to locate yet.” The prosecutor cleared out. He asked some more questions, and then finally: “How many times were you raped during the abduction?” Michael had been afraid of this question. “I...I can’t remember.” “Can you guess? I know that this must be hard for you.” “Um..25?...I can’t remember...”

The prosecutor showed the jury the photographs that showed all his injuries right when he had come to the hospital, he also showed them the doctor’s report. Michael was free to leave right after his own testimony. It was too rough for him to stay there the whole trial. He would be back to hear their sentences.

Sam stayed to listen to the whole thing, while Kitty was keeping company to Michael at their home. It was very hard for Sam to hear all that had happened. To see the men, that had done that to his love, to hear them testify. Ricky gave him the creeps, especially, when the man kept staring at him from the stand, looking like the trial meant nothing to him, that it was just some kind of a big joke or game to him. He even had the nerve to smile to him, Sam felt ill.

The fifth day, and they read the sentences, Sam held Michael’s hand tightly in his. “Richard Matthews; 15-years in prison, for attempted murder, deprivation of freedom, and exceptional coarse rape.” For the others, it had been five to ten years in prison. Michael sighted with relieve after hearing this, but it seemed like too short a sentence, for a man like Ricky. No amount of time spent in prison, would ever make a better person out of him. Michael was quite sure that Ricky would still hurt someone, and they were fools if they couldn’t see that. Michael wondered how long his sentence would have been, had they found all the photographs and videos from his apartment, but someone had cleared all of those away, before the police had gotten there. The tapes during his abduction, had also disappeared.

**************************

Michael could hardly believe his eyes when he saw Jack outside the court room. The other man smiled to him warmly and waved his hand. Michael ran too him, and they hugged each others tightly. “Oh God Jack, I can’t believe...I missed you so...” Michael whispered. “Good to see you Mikey.” Jack smiled. Michael cried against his friend. “Hey, don’t cry sweetie, we should be happy, we’re finally free. They are behind bars, we don’t have to be scared anymore.” Jack said cheerfully. Michael looked at him. “Free?” He asked. “Yes.” Jack answered, and hugged him tightly once more. ‘But are we truly ever free?’ Michael questioned silently.

“This is my boyfriend; Brian. Got myself an English man.” Jack grinned, looking at the man beside him. Brian was over thirty, dark haired, tall man, who had friendly grey eyes. ”Hello, nice to meet you.” Michael shook his hand. “Nice to meet you too, I have heard a lot of you” Brian smiled. “Oh, and this is my boyfriend Sam...Sam this is Jack and Brian.” Jack took Sam’s hand, and smiled. “Wow, gorgeous one you have here Mikey. Damn, you make a great looking couple”

Sam invited Jack and his boyfriend to their place. “Ever since I met Michael, I have developed some sort of fetish to British men, and now I’m in a room with three! I must be in heaven!” Jack laughed. “You haven’t changed at all Jack.” Michael smiled, and looked at him happily. “Nope, many men have tried to change Jack Linse, but they never could!” He laughed. “Brian, could you come help me with the tea? I think these two would like to chat by themselves for awhile.” Sam asked smiling. “Yes, of course.” The older man replied and stood up. He gave a kiss on Jack’s cheek.

“He seems like a decent short of fellow.” Michael commented. “Yeah, can you believe that I have someone like that? It was a big shock at first, I mean, he has never even hit me, or never said; Jack go give my friends some ass, suck their cocks, or anything like that, it’s weird. One time his friend’s friend tried to grope me, and you know what Brian did?! He hit him, he actually hit him, and threw him out.” Jack said, sounding like that really was something really odd thing for Brian to do. “That’s what a relationship is supposed to be like Jack. He loves you, he doesn’t want to share you, or see you get hurt. You deserve a man like him.” Michael told him. “Well, I don’t know. I think he sees a bit more in me than what I really am. He helped me to get rid of drugs. Found me once, beaten up pretty badly. I continued on the streets after I left Joe, and then one night I went with two guys, who liked it really rough. So… Well, it’s not like it would have been anything new really...But anyway, as I said he found me, took care of me. When I was better, he took me out to some nice restaurants and stuff. I told him, that ‘babe, you do know that you don’t need to do all this to get into my pants, I’m quite easy to impress, a sure thing really, but he said he wanted to spoil me. I think he has a screw loose somewhere, but I do love him.” Jack was smiling. “I’m so happy to hear this Jack, I really am. But you shouldn’t ask why he loves you, I mean who couldn’t love you? I love you, I owe you my life.” Michael took his friend into a tight hug. “You know Jack, I always thought of you as my first boyfriend, I still do.” “I thought that of you too Michael, I love you, always will. Now we can keep in touch!” Jack said happily. Then he looked at Michael and his expression darkened.

“It did come at a high price though.” Jack started looking at him. Then he continued. “I feel so terrible for what happened to you. When I read from the paper, that they had arrested them, and for what reason, I knew straight away that it was you, even though they didn’t tell your identity...I’m so sorry Michael. And there I thought, that Jean was an okay fellow. Damn him.” Jack pulled him into a hug again. ”I thought so too...” Michael whispered. He cried quietly against Jack, he remembered it all again. “It’s alright. They’re in jail now, and Ricky’s reputation is ruined forever. Everyone knows what he is now.” Jack comforted and then continued. ”That Sam of yours, he seems very nice...and extremely hot, almost as beautiful as you.” Jack grinned. Michael looked at him and smiled weakly. “He is wonderful. I love him so much.” Michael whispered.

“I’m moving to England with Brian. To London. Finally I get to go there, to see for myself how hot the British are.” Jack chuckled softly. “Really?” “Yes, Brian even took me to China few months ago, and as it turned out, the Chinese aren’t yellow, and they don’t walk upside down. The things you learn, when growing up, oh boy.” Jack sighted, and looked at Michael, they both started to laugh.

Sam and Brian returned into the living room. “What’s so funny?” Sam asked smiling as he sat next to Michael. It was so nice to see him laugh like this. “Oh, nothing really, it’s just Jack, being Jack.” He said then. “Oh, yes, Jack being Jack. I know how that goes.” Brian smiled wrapping his arm around his younger lover. They talked long into the night, then Jack and Brian had to return to their hotel. They promised to keep in touch in the future.

Chapter 33.

Seeing Jack had cheered Michael up for awhile, but the depression soon followed. It was hard to go on like before, he wanted so much for things to be like they had once been, but he found that the healing wasn’t as simple as that. The nightmares hadn’t left him, and he was still too scared to let Sam touch him in the way that he had before his abduction.

He sat in the bedroom, on the wide window sill, and stared outside. The weather was very depressing; grey sky, rain pouring down heavily, it went with his mood perfectly though. He saw Sam’s reflection on the window. He was standing at the doorway looking at him silently. Michael turned to look at him, he tried to smile. “Can I bring you anything?” Sam asked. “No thank you. I’m fine, just a bit tired, that’s all.” Michael answered. Sam looked at him, with doubt in his mind; he wondered how long it would take for Michael to be truly okay. He prayed that it would happen eventually.

“Kitty is coming here soon.” Sam said then. “Oh? I was thinking of trying to get some sleep, but...um, do you think that she would mind terribly if I did?” Michael asked. “No, of course not, I think sleep would do you some good, I have noticed that you haven’t slept so well lately. What if I would bring you some hot chocolate?” Sam suggested. “I would like that, thank you Sam.”

******

“How is he doing?” Kitty asked quietly, they sat in the kitchen drinking tea. “Well, not so well I’m afraid...I think that the trial was really tough on him...He eats too little, doesn’t talk about what’s bothering him and...” Sam lifted his hand up to his temple. “I don’t know what to do Kitty; I don’t know how to help him through this.” He sighted. Kitty squeezed his hand and smiled comfortingly. “It takes time Sam, just give him that. After all, it hasn’t been long since it happened, we can’t expect him to be well straight away.” “Of course not, I know that Kitty.... I just, I hate seeing him so unhappy...” “I know Sam, I hate that too... Look, I searched through the internet last night, and I found some information about this, about what Michael must be going through. Maybe he should talk with someone, you know, a psychiatrist perhaps? I think it would also help him, if he could talk with someone who has been through the same.” Kitty said, she rose up and went to get some papers from her bag. “I think you should read these, you may get some idea of what’s going on inside his mind.” Sam looked through the papers. “Thanks Kitty, I’ll read these later... Anyway, he said that he didn’t want to see some shrink. He snapped at me; he said, that he’s not crazy and he can get through this just fine on his own...He has talked with that friend of his; Jack, I think he helps him a lot.” Sam said, his voice sounding a bit tired, he hadn’t slept so well lately. “Well, it’s a good thing that he has Jack for help.” Kitty said, and took a sip of her tea.

“My birthday party is held on the 29th, by the way.” Sam said next. “So you’re going to have a party? Um, isn’t it too ...” “Too early for Michael? Maybe, but I can’t turn his head. You know how stubborn he can be.” Sam sighted. “Oh, yes, I know.” “So I really would need you to come here then, for Michael, and ...” “Of course I’ll come Sam, do you honestly think, that I would miss my best friend’s birthday party?” Kitty asked. "No, I’m Sorry, I’m just so tired Kitty, I ..." Sam started. Kitty rose and came to give him a hug. "I understand Sam, of course I do. I’m always going to be here for you and Michael. I promise."

****

It was getting late. Sam came into the bedroom, where Michael was already sleeping, after taking his sleeping drugs. He sat next to him on the bed, and touched his face gently. It was hard to believe that only two moths ago, they had been so happy. Such a short time and everything had changed. He remembered the last time that they had made love; it was at the morning of the day, that they had kidnapped Michael. Sam really missed the time when everything had been alright. He had always been a very sexual person, and now his body longed for sex. It was very frustrating to think that there would be none given, for a very long time.

Sam moved the cover down on Michael’s body, just a little, he trice his shirt up, as high as he could without taking it off completely. He felt terrible when doing this, when moving his hand on his lover’s naked chest and stomach. He just missed the touch so bad, he had missed the beauty. If Michael had been awake, he would not let him touch himself this way, to let him see his naked skin. Sam looked if there would be any visible scars, but found none from his front upper body. He didn’t know when he had moved the whole cover a side. He stroked Michael’s thigh and searched his face for any sing that he would wake, but his sleep was deep. His hand found its way onto his lover’s crotch, and he found that his own member started to wake from this. 'My God Sam, what are you doing? Taking an advantage of your boyfriend while he sleeps? You’re no better than them if you continue this.' Sam thought horrified. He pulled Michael’s shirt back down, and tucked him up carefully. He felt really a shamed of himself, but his arousal, refused to leave him. Sam rose up and left the room, closing the door after him. He went into the living room, and took care of the thing himself.


November 25th

“Happy birthday Samuel, I made you some breakfast.” Michael said, waking him up. Sam yawned deeply, and then opened his eyes slowly. He looked at his lover, with a smile on his lips. Then he looked at the tray that was now placed on his stomach; fresh squeezed orange juice, fresh fruits on a plate, toast, tea and an omelette. “Thank you love.” Sam leaned forward and gave Michael a small kiss on the cheek. Michael lay down on his side. “Oh, God...I’m 27 already, only three more years and I’ll be thirty! Aging is dreadful.” Sam sighted. Michael smiled and touched his face carefully. “You’re still young honey; don’t get your age crisis just yet.” He whispered softly. “I didn’t have time; to buy you anything...I’m sorry...” He added then, looking at him and nipping his bottom lip carefully. “Silly...I don’t need anything; the best gift is waking up next to you, to have you here with me.” Sam smiled lovingly to him. “But I think you should get something, after all it’s your birthday and all...What if I would prepare your favourite supper for you when you come home from work?” “That sounds really good.” Michael rose to sit and kissed Sam’s lips, it was the first time that he made the first move to kiss, since that afoul thing had happened. It was a careful, small kiss, but at least it was a start, Sam thought.

Michael was feeling restless after Sam left; he didn’t feel safe when he was all by himself. And now; he had decided to go out, which made him feel even more nervous. He wanted to give Sam a nice birthday. If only he could act for that day, that everything was like before, that for

This day he could forget about what had happened.

He hated himself, every time he started from Sam’s touch. At times he needed desperately to be held by him, and then there were times that a simple touch could freak him out, it didn’t happen so often anymore, but at times it did. He knew that Sam would never hurt him, but his body and his mind refused to forget what had happened through the hands of other men. The memories of the pain drowned everything else under it. It was panic; under which, his mind couldn’t tell the difference between a friend and an enemy. Sex was now a big, horrible, scaring thing for him; it was equal with pain, it was violence. He tried to force himself to remember all the good times with Sam, the time when it hadn’t hurt, and when it had given him so much pleasure. It was hard to hold on to that memory, but he tried, and he had made his mind up, that he would give Sam more than just hugs and kisses that night. He wanted to be able to enjoy sex, but at the same time, the want and desire made him feel ill. He wasn’t supposed to want sex; he was too dirty and disgusting. Everything was so confusing now. Michael sighed with frustration. He knew that he would need to do something to be able to let Sam closer. He called Paul’s friend Kristijan; the man, that he had first met such a long time ago, when he had still been with Jean.

“Kris.” The man answered. “Hi, this is Michael Harris calling, I don’t know if you still remember me?” “Ah, Michael...Michael from Plymouth, am I right?” “Yes.” “Well, it’s been a long time, how are you?” Obviously the man hadn’t talked with Paul for awhile. “I’m fine thank you, and you?” “Fine, nothing out of the ordinary.” “Look, um, the reason that I called you is because I, um ...Well, you told me once, that I could get pot from you, if needed ...” “That’s right, and now you would need it?” “Yes.” “Well, I’m home now, if you want to come by here?” “Yes that would be perfect, thanks Kris ...”

Michael searched for the address the man had given him, from the map. He dressed in his most slack clothes on that he could find. His heart was beading fast as he walked forward on the streets, he kept his eyes down, walking as fast as he could, trying to be as unnoticeable as he could be. He needed to take a taxi or the subway; he didn’t know which would be better.

He tried the taxi first. He looked at the driver of the taxicab, who waited for him to get in. The driver was a fat, ugly male, in his late forty’s. Michael hesitated. “Are you coming in or not?” The man asked rudely. “Um, no... I’m sorry I ...” Michael answered finally, taking few steps back. The man shook his head. “Damn tourists.” He muttered while driving away. Michael felt really stupid, but he was pretty much afraid of all strange men now. So he would take the subway, and pray that it wouldn’t be too crowded, and that no one would try to speak to him, or touch him.

Finally he reached the building where Kristjan lived. He took the elevator to the right floor and rang the doorbell. “Hi, come on in.” Kristjan asked. Michael tried to smile, and lowered the hood of his jacket down. The door closed after him, and Michael stayed close to it. “Can I offer you anything? Coffee or tea?” The man asked looking at him with interest, noticing how nervous the young man looked. He couldn’t help but to admire his beauty, he had remembered that this young man had been gorgeous, but damn, he was even more handsome than he had remembered. “No thank you, I’m in a slight hurry.” Michael answered, he wanted to go back home and quickly.

“Okay, so how much do you need? “ “Um, I don’t know, not too much.” Kristjan disappeared in one of the rooms. Michael’s heart was still beading madly. The man returned, and handed him a small bag of weed. “Here, would you want anything stronger? Ecstasy perhaps?” He asked then. ”No! I mean, this is just fine.” Michael said quickly. Kristjian smiled; there was something very intriguing in this young man. Michael handed him the money. “Well, just call me if you need more....or even if it would be just for some company you need. I’m always at your service.” The man said and winked at him. It only made Michael feel more nervous. “Um, okay...Thanks, good bye!” Michael replied quickly and left.

It felt relieving to be home again. Michael thought that it would be best to start the cooking first. He prepared the roast and put it in the oven. Then he laid the table nicely. ‘I’m just like some freaking house wife.’ He thought to himself, slightly amused by this. He wondered what Tony would say if he saw him now. He shook his head and tried to concentrate on the following night.

He took a long, hot bath, trying to get as clean as he could. He could feel that horrible scar on his lower back; RM. He shivered, he wanted for it to just disappear. He started scrubbing himself compulsively, wanting all the dirt away. The whispers filled his mind once more; “Whore...mine...whore...This is what you want, you slut.”

Michael dried himself with a towel; he placed a large plaster over his scar. He didn’t want Sam to see it, and he was afraid, that if he was too stoned, he could start undressing and forget all about the scar; Sam could see it, and think that he was disgusting. He sighted deeply, and dressed in clean clothes. He came into the living room, and fixed himself the pot cigarette. He wondered if Sam would notice, that he had smoked it, or would he just think that he was slightly drunk? He knew that his boyfriend didn’t approve of drugs of any kind, and there had been a time when he had been the same, but now...Well, he thought that Sam wouldn’t complain if he would get some... Michael went outside to smoke.


Sam came back home from work, it smelled really good inside, the lights were dimmed, and there was some peaceful Irish music playing. He walked into the living room, and saw few candles on the living room table. The apartment looked more beautiful than ever before.

“Hello honey, had a good day?” Michael asked smiling, leaning on the wall of the kitchen doorway. Sam looked at him admiring the way he looked. He was feeling slightly confused; it was like he had walked into the past. “Wow, you have done wonders in here.” He sighted. “Come to eat, the supper is ready.” Michael said and walked into the kitchen. Michael handed him a glass of wine and they both sat down. “This looks really good.” Sam said and tasted his wine. He looked at his boyfriend, who smiled to him seductively, drinking his wine. There was something strange in Michael’s eyes, Sam noticed, but couldn’t figure out what it was.

Michael looked at Sam closely. ‘Sam is like an angel, blue eyed, golden haired angel. ` He thought, and couldn’t help, but to smile. His own voice sounded so strange, Sam’s voice sounded strange. The colours of the room, the lights and the shadows mixed together bizarrely. His skin was burning. Michael drank some more wine, and touched the skin of his own cheek; it felt so smooth and soft. Sam asked something. He hadn’t heard what it was, he tried to concentrate, and smiled to his boyfriend, as alluringly as he could, at the stage that he was in. “Yes angel?” He asked, and he almost laughed at the sound of his own voice. "I thanked you for the supper, it was really good.” Sam said smiling, one eyebrow raised. He wondered what was up with Michael, it was like he was lost in his own world somewhere, but at the same time he liked this Michael, who smiled to him so, and who looked at him so. There was no fear in his eyes. “You’re welcome babe.” Michael grinned, rose up and took Sam’s hand in his, guiding him to sit on the living room couch.

Sam sat down, his wine glass still in his hand. He had drunk a few glasses already, and it was really starting to rise to his head. In the back of his mind, he knew that Michael might have taken something more than just alcohol, but he was starting to be too drunk himself, and too aroused, to care if he had. Michael sat next to him, and touched his neck, sending a pleasurable quivering all over his body. Michael kissed the same place that he had just touched. He started to open Sam’s shirt slowly, kissing the revealed skin, as he proceeded down. Sam’s skin was like warm silk, so perfect and smooth. He kissed and licked his skin, he bit his nipples gently.

Michael moved onto his knees in front of Sam, and started to open his pants. He pulled them down to his ankles with his boxers and looked at the hardened organ. He listened Sam’s quiet moaning as he touched it. Suddenly he was feeling insecure, he sighed quietly. He tried to keep himself from shaking, or showing his fear. ‘Come now Michael, you have done this before. It’s Sam here, just take it in your mouth, and suck, like a good little whore you are...Think that it’s a lollipop, very, very big lollipop.` He urged himself. He closed his eyes, and took Sam’s cock between his lips, into his mouth. He tasted the saltiness of it, and felt the slight panic gathering inside him. He tried to force the fear and the memories away, and tried to think of something else. ‘Lolly, a big salty lolly.’ He thought and tried to keep his tears away, he tried so hard. He listened to his lover’s moans again, trying to concentrate only on him, and how much he loved the man. “Mmmh...I’m coming soon.” Sam was able to say. Michael suddenly lifted his head up and the hot seed spill on his face. ‘A mean lolly.’ He thought, as he wiped his face. He rose up, and quickly walked into the bathroom, before Sam had time to say a word.

He undressed himself and turned the water on. He leaned against the wall, feeling the warm water on his skin, he close his eyes, tears started to fall down. He felt so bad, and so dirty. He let himself slide down to sit, his back still against the wall. He hit his head against the tiles and squeezed his hands into fists. ‘You’re a whore Michael...that’s all you’ll ever be. You know Sam deserves so much better than you...’ The voice inside his mind kept telling him, and he felt enormous pain inside. He heard the distant knock on the door, and turned his tired face towards it. “Michael! Are you alright?” He heard Sam asking, he tried to swallow the tears. “Michael, darling please answer. Open the door.” Sam pleaded. Michael tried to collect his voice back. “I’m fine..I`ll come soon...just need to...I need to shower...” He shouted, managing to keep his voice quite normal. “Alright, are you sure you're okay?” Sam asked with clear doubt. “Yes.” He answered. After that he started to cry quietly. He was so confused, so broken, so...he wanted to get free of the pain.

Sam wasn’t convinced in the least. He felt terrible. He should have known that it was too early. Deep inside, he knew that Michael was crying inside the bathroom, he knew that he was in pain; his voice had revealed it. Sam came into the bedroom, and sat on the bed, trying to think hard what he could do to help his love, there had to be something more he could do, right? He wouldn’t give up, no matter what.

Chapter 34.

29th of November

“Are you sure you’re alright? I mean; I could still call everyone and cancel this.” Sam asked with worry, he was still feeling guilty about what had happened four days earlier. “Cancel? When everyone is already coming? No Sam, don’t worry, I’ll be fine.” Michael assured him. “Just try to enjoy yourself tonight, and don’t worry about me, okay? Promise?” Michael asked and came closer to him. Sam took him into a gentle embrace and smiled. “I’ll try, but only if you promise to come and tell me if you start feeling unwell.” “I promise.”

“Congratulations Sam!” Kitty wished when coming in.”Thanks... ‘Forget healthy food; you need every preservative that you can get! Aging is compulsory; developing is alternative. Happy birthday Samuel!’ ” Sam read out loud from the card, that she had given him. He looked at his friend, who was grinning like a mad woman. “Well, aren’t you being friendly.” Sam smiled, raising one eyebrow. “Remember what you wrote into my birthday card in august? Now we’re on the same boat again! Revenge is so sweet.” Kitty laughed and placed her coat on the coat rack.

“Hey Mikey, how’s my sweetie doing?” Kitty asked, once she came into the living room. Michael was sitting on the couch watching TV. She sat next to him, and gave him a hug. Michael smiled to her. “I’m feeling fine, and you?” He asked. “I’m fine too.” She smiled. “Kitty, would you come and help me a little in the kitchen?” Sam asked, from the doorway. “Of course.” Kitty answered and stood up.

“Um, Kitty...I did something that I’m not very proud of...” Sam started, after hesitating his time. He needed to talk about this; his guilt was driving him mad. Kitty looked at him, a little surprised _expression on her face. She came closer to him. “What did you do Sam?” She asked, and looked at her best friend closely. She saw the guilty _expression on his face, the way he was nipping on his bottom lip. That face, never meant anything good. “Sam please tells me that you didn’t do the same thing that you did when you were with Daniel? Because if you did then I’ll...” Kitty started with warning, Sam cut her off. “No, of course I didn’t. I would never cheat on Michael. Daniel and I, was a completely different thing. I was only 21 at the time, I was stupid, careless, and I didn’t really love him.” Sam told her. “So what did you do then?” Kitty asked staring at him, waiting for an answer.

“Well, um...you see, the night of my birthday...” Sam started hesitating. “…We had supper, and we drank some wine. I was a bit tipsy, so was Michael...and we, well, we started kissing and then he um...he, you know, gave me a blow-job. I let him do it Kitty, even when the back of my mind I knew that I should stop him...Then he locked himself in the bathroom, he must have been in the shower for like one hour...I feel like shit Kitty. I...” Sam stared at the floor a shamed look on his face. “Well you’re right, you should have stopped him...God, if for once men could think with their brains and not with their dicks.” Kitty said looking at him, but she soon noticed how bad he truly felt for this and her heart melt. She pulled her friend into a hug. “But you’re only a human Sam, and what’s done is done. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I’ll talk with Michael today, okay? And see how he’s doing.” Kitty said and tried to smile, Sam nodded his head. “Thanks Kitty.” Sam whispered. ”I know how much you love Michael; he has done wonders to you. I mean you were such a slut when we were younger, and now look at you. You haven’t even looked at other men since.” Kitty grinned to him, and he grinned back. “A slut? Kitty honestly..."
Sam sighted. Then he smiled and continued. "Well, perhaps you’re right though. And yes, I don’t want any others anymore.”

**********

Most of the guest had arrived. Michael didn’t know all of them so well; a lot of the people in there were Sam’s co-workers. Michael could feel how they looked at him, trying to be secretive about it, but failed miserably. He knew that some of them were whispering about him. They may not have known the whole truth of what had happened to him, but they knew enough that it was easy to guess the rest. Michael leaned his back against the wall, and held his wine glass tightly in his hand. He stared at the floor and tried to calm down. He wished that he could just be invisible.

“How are you feeling?” Erick asked, as he was standing next to him. Michael was beginning to get bored of the question, always having to answer with the same lie. “I’m feeling fine.” He sighted. “Look, I don’t know if I should even bring this up, but...Have you heard anything from Jean?” Erick asked quietly. Michael looked at him with surprise. “No I haven’t, how come?...Have you heard anything?” He asked with slight fear in his voice. Erick hesitated. “I got a call the other day...” He started. ”From Jean?” Michael asked as his heart started to beat faster. “Yes... The call didn’t last long... He asked about you, of how you’re doing. I tried to ask him where they were with Patrick, but he hung up on me. I did tell the police about this.” Michael stared at the contents of his glass, trying to collect his thoughts. He heard the doorbell ring, and looked at Sam who went to open.

“Surprise! Happy birthday Sam!” Michael heard a brisk male voice say. Sam looked really surprised. “We finally decided to come to visit you in Paris, when it’s your birthday and all! Well, are you not surprised?” The man with sand coloured hair and green grey eyes explained enthusiastically when coming in with some other man. “Yes I am, really surprised.” Sam smiled, with slightly confused _expression. “Well, don’t I get a hug?” The overly perky man asked, opening his arms. Sam moved closer and gave him a hug.

“It’s really great to see you Sam, after such a long time...and Kitty!” The man shrieked out, when he saw her approaching. “Daniel, Mark...Isn’t this big surprise.” Kitty smiled and hugged him and the other dark haired man. Daniel looked at Sam, smiling like a mad man. Michael decided that he didn’t like this Daniel person much. “Err...Come; I want to introduce you to my boyfriend.” Sam said quickly making the smile on the other's face disappear. Michael forced himself to smile as they approached.

“Daniel, Mark, this is my boyfriend Michael. Michael these are Mark, and Daniel, my old friends from London.” Mark was the first to shake his hand. “Hi! It’s really nice to meet you. I have heard so much of you, when I have talked with Sam on the phone.” He smiled. “Hi, nice to meet you too.” Michael answered, and then shook hands with Daniel, whose clasp was a little tighter than necessary. He now remembered that Sam had mentioned Daniel’s name one time, and told him that they had dated once, when they had been younger. Sam had told him, that they had fought a lot, and finally Sam had broken it off, after cheating on Daniel. “So, you’re English too, right?” Daniel asked with slightly sour voice. “Yes.” Michael answered, hoping that the man would just leave. “From where exactly?” Daniel asked, running his eyes up and down on his figure. “I’m from Plymouth.” “Ah, the port city.” Daniel said and nodded his head. Sam looked at Michael with worry; he could clearly see how uneasy he felt. He leaned forward. “Is everything alright honey?” He whispered. Michael nodded his head, smiled weakly and gave a small kiss on Sam’s lips, just to remind Daniel, that Sam was his. Daniel and Mark walked further into the living room and looked at Sam, waiting for him to follow. “Just go with your friends Sam, you haven’t seen them in a long time.” Michael urged him.

Erick finished the call that he had just received. He sighted deeply. “I have to go now, will you be alright? Call me if anything comes up.” Erick said, resting his hands on his shoulders. “I’ll be alright, don’t worry.” Michael sighted, remembering to smile. Deep inside he just wanted to scream out from the top of his lungs, from the agony that he felt inside. “Send regards to Paul from me.” He added, as Erick was about to leave. “I will.”

The room was filled with people; laughing, chatting, whispering, and staring. Sam was laughing to something that Mark had just said, and Sam hadn’t laugh like that in ages. Daniel and Mark looked over at him, every once and awhile. Wondering why he stood so far away, withdrawing himself from the others company. Michael had heard Daniel asking from someone, was he too damn proud to talk with others, or what was his problem. Daniel had probably meant for him to hear that. Michael sighed. All of a sudden it became difficult to breath, his heart started to race inside his chest, every one seemed to stare, and everyone seemed to talk about him. He had to get away from there.

He fled inside the bedroom, and closed the door after him. He felt dizzy, his body was shaking all over, cold sweat running on his skin. He gasped for air; the room seemed to shift in his eyes. It almost felt like he was dying or something. He started to open up the drawers of the desk, they were somewhere in there, and he had to find them. Finally he found the small can. He opened it; the pills fell on the floor. He took one and washed it down with wine. He collected the remaining pills back into the can, and looked at the label on the side; a red triangle. Then he looked at the wine glass in his other hand. Well, at least he started to feel a lot calmer, he almost started to laugh. He sat on the floor, just a little while longer. It started to feel like he would have been inside of cotton. Just one pill with slight alcohol, wouldn’t be fatal, he thought to himself, when standing up. Part of him wondered would he have cared if it had been.

Michael sat on the window sill, and pressed his head against the cold glass, he stared outside. The snowflakes floated softly on the ground. A shadow of a stray cat flashed under the street lamps. He tasted his wine, wanting to forget everything. He wanted to run, but didn’t know to exactly what or where. One couldn’t run from oneself. A part of him wanted to die. He wanted to stop feeling the pain inside; he wanted to stop feeling sorry for himself. If he had ever felt lonely, it was nothing to the feeling that he had now. He wrapped his arms around himself, it was so cold. Few tears fell down on his cheeks, they became cold so fast. ‘Sam could be happy with Daniel.’ He thought to himself.

Kitty opened the door, came in and closed the door after her. “Michael? Are you alright?” Kitty asked and approached him carefully. Michael wiped the tears quickly away, before he turned to look at her. Once again he forced a smile on his lips. “I’m fine; I just needed some time alone.” He answered trying to sound as perky as he could. Kitty however, saw through him. She sat on the bed, and looked at her friend with worry. “You look so sad.” She said quietly. Michael looked at her, and then back outside. He couldn’t say a word. “Sam loves you, I love you, and we are worried.” Kitty continued.

Michael still stayed quiet, and Kitty rose up and walked closer to him. She thought about what to say for a moment. “I’m not going to pretend, that I know exactly how you’re feeling, because I don’t. I just want to help you, please Michael, let me do that ...You’re so dear to me, to us.” Kitty touched his face and turned him to look at herself. Michael’s eyes were watering from tears, and soon they filled her eyes too. She noticed how he tried to fight against his tears, his body was trembling. “Kit... I don’t know what to do.” He whispered then. Kitty wrapped her arms around him. “I know you must be sick and tired hearing this, but everything will turn out alright eventually.” She whispered. “I would want to believe in it, but it’s hard.” “I know.”

Michael stood up and walked over to the desk. “Do you mind terribly if I smoke?” He asked, taking the cigarette from one of the drawers. Kitty came closer to him. “Is that weed?” She asked. “Yes.” ”I won’t mind if you share it with me.” Kitty smiled. They sat down on the bed. “Have you smoked this before?” Michael asked, giving the cigarette to her. “Yes, Sam doesn’t know it though, and I assume that he doesn’t know about you smoking this either?” Kitty asked. “No, I mean he might have some clue, but he hasn’t said anything. This helps a little.” Michael smiled weakly, and continued. “At least, for awhile.”

“Sam seems to enjoy Daniel’s company.” Michael said then. Kitty looked at him, trying to interpret the look on his face. “They are friends. Daniel might still have some feelings for Sam, but Sam loves you.” Michael smiled and stared at his hands. “Maybe it’s just not always enough...” He said then. “What do you mean?” “Love, it’s not always enough. Sam isn’t happy, I can see it. Daniel could make him happy, in a way that I myself can’t anymore.” Michael’s voice was filled sadness. Kitty took his hand in hers. “Michael, Sam loves you more than anyone. You’re the only man he has ever truly loved. He’s happy with you, and he understands, that you need time.” “And I love Sam. I want him to be happy; I want that more than anything... I don’t know how long it will take me to be okay, if I’ll ever truly be that. I can’t ask, and I won’t ask for Sam to wait for that ...” Michael said and looked at Kitty, who was about to open her mouth to say something.

“Wait. Before you say anything. I mean, why should Sam’s life be ruined because of what happened to me? He shouldn’t even know about these bad things, he should just be happy. My dreams have broken a long time ago, and I don’t want the same to happen to Sam’s dreams ... I want to return back home, and how could I ask Sam to come there with me, when his life is here? Sam wants to see the world; I want to stay safe from it.” Kitty squeezed his hand tighter. She felt so helpless, she wanted to shake Michael, make all his pain and sadness disappear. She wanted to scream at Sam, to make him see just how much pain his boyfriend was feeling. Suddenly she felt mad that Sam wasn’t there by his side, right at that moment. “Michael, please talk to Sam. Tell him what you’re feeling. Sam’s life is where you are. Talk to him tomorrow, promise me.” Kitty begged. Michael looked at her, and then nodded his head carefully.

“Where’s your boyfriend by the way?” Michael asked lying down on the bed on his back, Kitty followed his example. “We had a fight. He’s jealous of the time, that I spend with you two. I sometimes really don’t get men. I tried to tell him, that you are my friends. That you are a gay couple, and there is no reason for jealousy...I think I just got him madder, when I said that he was an Irish moron.” Kitty sighted, and covered her face with a pillow. “It was so stupid thing for me to say, I know.” Michael laughed and moved the pillow away. “Do you know how you appease an Irish man?” He asked grinning. Kitty shook her head. “Offer him a glass of whiskey, with no clothes on, and tell him that the Irish are definitely the world’s sexiest people.” Michael said and winked at her. Kitty grinned. “And you know this how?” ”Oh, that’s not important. I have had my ways.” Michael grinned back. He smoked the cigarette and gave it back to Kitty.


“Oh God, I had already forgotten how great this makes you feel.” Kitty giggled. “Mmmh... All your troubles go far, far away, I just wish they would never return.” Michael sighted, and waved his hand in the air. “Hands are really funny, aren’t they?” Michael said then. Kitty raised her own hand up and looked at it. “You’re right. Odd...” She said, and moved her hand up in the air. They started to laugh. “You know what I would want to do? Go dancing outside in the snow!” Kitty screamed exited.

Sam came into the room, and looked at his boyfriend and his friend on the bed. They were pillow fighting, and laughing. “What on earth are you doing?” He asked. Kitty looked at the cigarette in her hand. She lifted her hand up to her mouth, and started to laugh even more. “Oh no, we’re caught.” She said then. Sam walked over to her, and too the smoke from her hand, he walked over to the window, and drew it out. “Drugs? You’re smoking marijuana in here?!” Sam looked both of them a little shocked _expression on his face. Kitty was still giggling. Michael rose to sit. “Oh just drop it Sam. I think you know that I have smoked it before.” He grinned and brushed the hair that had fallen on his forehead away.

“What else have you taken?” Sam asked coming closer to him, he stared deep into Michael’s eyes, like trying to find the answer from them. “Today?” Michael asked and brought the wine glass up to his lips. “Yes, or before.” “Well Sam, today I have drunk some wine, one beer. Then I think I had my first panic attack, so I took one tranquillizer, and then I smoked.” Michael told him, suddenly feeling really tired. “You know you shouldn’t take pills and drink alcohol at the same time!” Sam yelled. “Well excuse me! I couldn’t breath; I didn’t know what to do!” Michael screamed. Sam took the wine glass from his hand, when he had been about to drink some more. “I wouldn’t have believed this from you! I thought you had more sense than that! Drugs, alcohol, and then marijuana?! Are you trying to kill yourself?!” Sam screamed; he was so messed up with worry that he didn’t think carefully about what he was saying. “You have changed, you have changed a lot.” Sam continued. Michael rose up, and squeezed his hands into fists. ”Oh, I have changed?! Well damn right I have changed, what the hell did you expect?! You really don’t have a clue, do you Sam? Six men raped me, they held me there against my will, and I really thought that I would die! And you come in here telling me that I have changed. Well I’m fucking sorry, for messing up your perfect life!” Michael was shaking all over. He hadn’t wanted to hurt Sam; he was just so angry, frustrated and scared.

Michael saw Mark and Daniel standing at the doorway, they looked at him in complete shock after hearing everything. “Well what the fuck are you staring at? Enjoy the show?!” Michael screamed; he lifted his hand up to his forehead, cursing himself. He wonders how many had heard his screaming. Sam stood there, glued to his spot, he was in shock. Kitty still sat on the bed, not able to say a word. Sam finally found himself able to move, he came closer to his boyfriend, and wrapped his arms around him, Michael wrapped his own arms around him too, he cried against his shoulder. “Oh honey, I’m so sorry, I just got scared. I screamed to you, because I got scared of loosing you, and I wasn’t thinking straight.” Sam whispered. He then turned his to look at his friends. “Please go, I’ll come soon to talk with you.” Sam told them. Mark nodded his head and closed the door after them.

Kitty rose up from the bed, suddenly her head felt really clear. Sam convinced Michael to lie down; he covered him up with the coverlet, and kissed his forehead. “I love you.” He whispered. “Would you stay with him for a moment kitty, I come back soon. I ask everybody to leave; this really was a bad idea.” Sam told her. She nodded her head and sat back down on the bed, next to Michael. She stroked his hair soothingly. Michael didn’t look at her; he stared far into the emptiness, his eyes filled with pain. Kitty lied down close to his body; she wrapped her arms around him, and pressed her forehead against his neck. “Don’t ever leave us.” She whispered quietly, squeezing his arm.

Chapter 35.

12.8

Michael had wrapped a blanket around himself, to keep warm. He held a coup of hot chocolate between his hands, and watched the movie called; ‘Amelie.’ He wasn't sure how many times he had already seen it, but somehow he just loved the movie so much. He didn't turn to look, when he heard Sam coming home. “Hey.” Sam said when reaching the couch. Michael moved his legs so that Sam could sit down next to him.

“So did you go to see the doctor today?” Sam asked carefully. Michael looked at him and took a sip of his cacao. “Yes.” He answered. “And? What did they say?” Sam asked, and Michael could see how nervous he was of his answer. “She said, that I'm perfectly healthy; no HIV, no nothing.” Michael said finally. “She said that I should feel lucky.” He added then, with a slightly dry voice. “But that is a good news darling, really it is.” Sam said. He took the cup from Michael's hands, placed it on the table, and leaned to kiss him.

Sam was opening the buttons of his shirt, and Michael grasped his wrist, to stop him. “I might be healthy Sam, but I still can't do this, not yet. I thought you would understand that.” He said, with a quiet voice. Sam pulled away. “Of course, I'm so sorry love, I wasn't thinking.” Sam sighted. “Don't feel sorry Sam, this isn't fair to you... I really wouldn't want to be this way; holding back from sex I mean. ...” Michael lifted his hands up to hide his face, and a muffled sight could be heard. Sam took his hands away, and hugged him gently.

“I understand, and I can wait, don't worry.” Michael laid his chin against his shoulder. “What if ...” He started. ”It has been difficult between us lately, and this will take its time. I know, that we‘re probably going to fight a lot, but I love you, and we will pull through this, I know this.” Sam said and stroked his back. Michael smiled, and pressed his head tighter against his lovers chest.

“If you would want Sam, we could agree to have an open relationship ...If you wanted someone else ... I mean ...I would understand ...I wouldn't want to hear about the others, but I would understand.” Sam looked at him, surprised. “An open relationship? I would sleep around, when you‘re trying to get better? No, I don’t want that, it would be stupid and unfair. I'll wait for you, besides; I have two hands that work just fine for now.” He laughed slightly. Michael lifted his head, and grinned. “I love you.” He whispered, and kissed Sam’s lips carefully. “Anyway ... I would understand.” He added then. Sam lifted his fingers up to his lips. “We will make this work, without me having to have any stupid affairs.”

12.9

Michael smiled, as he was reading the morning paper, and drinking his tea. The day before had been really good, and for the first time in two months he could see some light ahead. Sam loved him, and he loved Sam, and maybe there would still be a day in the future, when he could live like normally. He would at least try his very best to heal.

At noon, he went to get the mail. He scanned through the letters, as he walks back into the living room; there were mostly just bills. One letter dropped from his hands, and he knelled to pick it up. He looked at the white envelope, and his hands started to shake; it had only his first name written on it. He sat on the couch, leaving the rest of the letters down on the table. For a moment he just stared at the envelope, before he opened it.

Dear Michael.

I was so glad, when I heard that you survived, and that you were released from the hospital. What surprises me though, is the fact that you're back with him.

You said, that you love me, that you wanted to be with me. You made me believe in it, just like you did before. I'm starting to feel, that everything that you have ever told me, has been nothing more than a lie. I should have listened to Patrick, who saw the truth about you, right from the start.

You have mocked me, and still I can’t get you out of my head. I remember all the moments that we shared together. I remember your beautiful body, the way you taste, and the way you smell. How beautiful you look under me; moaning, wanting. I dream about it, I dream of you. I love you, and you are mine. You promised me, and I’m going to claim that promise.

Don’t forget that I saved you from Ricky, and there for, your life belongs to me. I have a total right to have you, the fact which you don’t seem to understand, but Cheri; I will make you understand.

If Sam is the only one standing in my way to have you, then I can assure you; getting rid of him, would only be a pleasure to me.

We will be together Cheri, whether you want it, or not.

With kisses: Jean.

Michael's hands were shaking, as he read the letter over, and over again, especially the last few lines of it; ‘If Sam is the only one standing in my way to have you, then I can assure you; getting rid of him, would only be a pleasure to me ... We will be together Cheri, whether you want it, or not.’ He squeezed the letter in his hand, wrinkling it. If Jean would hurt Sam, then nothing would be left. Sam was his life, Sam was his everything.

It soon dawned on him, what he needed to do, to save his lover from Jean. His heart ached, and he felt a huge lump in his throat, but he needed to be strong now. He sat on the couch, for a long time, before he could bring himself to act.

*****
“Hello!” Sam called happily, when coming in. He was surprised to find his lover, standing in the dark living room, facing the window. Sam turned the light on, walked to him, and wrapped his arms around him from the behind. Michael pushed him away. “Stop it Sam.” He said coldly. “What's wrong?” Sam asked confused. “Nothing, I’m just tired having you always touching me, it’s damn annoying.” Michael sighted; the look in his eyes, as cold as his voice. Sam couldn't understand what was going on. “Has something happened?” He asked.

“I've been thinking things over ... This isn't working.” Michael said, looking at him. “What isn't?” “Well this, You and I ... we ..this relationship isn't working anymore.” Michael bit his teeth together. “But yesterday we...” Sam started. “Yesterday, was ... I wasn't thinking clearly then, I haven't been able to think clearly in a long time. This isn't going to work, you want sex, and I can't give it to you. We are just wasting each others time.” Sam looked at him, mouth opening from surprise. “Michael, I love you, you just can't ...” “Love me? I think we have just been fooling ourselves, there is not such thing as true love. Sooner or later you would get bored of me, we would get bored of each others... I'm going back home, back to Plymouth, alone. I got a flight for this evening ...I've already packed.” Michael walked into the bedroom, Sam following him.

Sam grasped Michael's arm. “What is this? Something has happened, why aren't you telling me the truth?” “I want to be alone Sam, without anyone, who would just want to use me. I want to go back home to my family.” Michael pulled his arm free and took a hold of his suitcases, dragging them into the hallway. “Well you should have waited, I'll come with you. If you want to return back to England, then alright, I come with you.” Sam told him. Michael turned to look at him. “I don't want you to come with me Sam, understand?” “No, dammit, I don't understand. Yesterday you told me, that you love me. Yesterday we agreed that we would stay together. So no, I can`t understand what has changed so suddenly. I was at work for ten hours, and during that time, you have packed your backs and your leaving back home. Your hiding something from me.” Michael was dressing his coat on.

“Maybe I lied yesterday, that's the way I am. I`m sorry Sam, but I realized that I can`t continue to live in a lie... I can`t do this anymore.” Sam grasped him tightly. “Whats wrong?! Why are you lying to me?! I'm not letting you leave, not like this.” Michael tried desperately to free himself, but Sam hold on him, was too tight. “Let go of me!” “No, not before you tell me the truth.” Sam told him. Finally, Michael slapped Sam's cheek, which made him to back off. Sam lift his hand up to his aching cheek. Michael was breathing fast, nervous. He hadn't meant to hit Sam, but it had been the only way to make him back off. “Don't try to contact me Sam, we’re through... Trust me Sam, this is for the best, just forget about me. ” He said, opened the front door, and left without looking back. He felt the tears gathering in his eyes, as soon as he had closed the door after him.

Sam stared at the door, too shocked to move. His breathing seemed to stick to his throat, his mouth felt dry, and his heart... his heart was ...it was braking. Had Michael really left him just now? “Mic-Michael...” He whispered with dry voice, finally having back his ability to move. He took his coat, and ran outside; but the taxi was already driving away, disappearing into the heavy fall of snow. He stood still a long time; in the cold, dark night, snow flakes falling on him, and down on the already white ground. ‘What just happened?’ He asked silently, over and over again.


****************

It was an early morning, when Michael finally arrived to the airport of Plymouth. He had exchanged flights in Heathrow, and it had been quite a long wait there. He felt so numb, he was truly tired. He walked through the airport, towards the place that he could get a taxi from. He had a hard time to realize that he truly was there; back in England, back in Plymouth, his home. His thoughts were with Sam, and his heart was heavy from the pain. He didn't look at the driver, who came to help his suitcases into the trunk. He gazed at the scenery ahead of himself, the scenery that he had last seen such a long time ago.

“Oh my God, is it really you? Michael? Michael Wills?” The taxi driver asked suddenly. Michael lift his gaze up to him. The man was his age, over weighted, redhead, his eyes were of a pale green color, and he had a round spectacles on, that made his face look even more round. Michael tried hard to remember where he knew this man. “Yes, I am.” He answered, and wondered why it was so hard to remember the other mans name. “It's me, Fred!” The taxi driver said cheerfully, then he got embarrassed. “You might not remember me, I was no one important, but we did go to the same school together.” Fred blushed, and Michael forced himself to smile. “Of course I remember you, sorry I`m just so tired now.” He said, and received a huge smile from the other man. “Come sit up front with me?” Fred suggested, and opened the door for him. Michael thanked him, and stepped in.

“Oh boy, the fellows will never believe me, when I tell them who I had in the car with me!” Fred breathed, and Michael couldn't help but to smile a little, the man talked of him; like he would have been some sort of famous person. “You`re going to your parents house, right?” “Yes.” “Then you don`t need to tell me the address, I remember where you live!” Fred told him, sounding very important. Michael looked at the window, and rolled his eyes. “So, how are you doing? Where have you been? Everyone sure talked about you when you just left like that.” Fred glanced at him, while driving. “I went to New York, and now I`m coming from Paris.” He answered, with tired voice. “Wow, that must have been exciting, out in the big world, and all that.” Fred said, shaking his head slightly and smiling brightly. “Well, I guess you could say that.”

Fred was quiet, only for a brief moment. “We all tried so hard, to guess where you disappeared to. Tom tried to claim, that you went to Spain, because there's a lot of gay people there.” Fred slipped out, and Michael couldn't help but to laugh at this. The mans face became bright red. “Oh, I mean, um...” Fred stammered. “It's okay, you can say gay, that`s what I am ... Tom seems to have his own weird thoughts of the world, I wouldn't pay too much attention of the things he says.” Michael said, and smiled to his old school mate. “Yes, Tom is an idiot really! I think that gay people are okay. I once read from some place, that most people are bisexuals, or that basically all people have tendency for that ... And I admit that I did enjoy watching you ...oh, I mean... um....” Fred blushed even brighter red, if that was even possible anymore. Michael had to look to the window quickly, he tried hard not to laugh. “It doesn't make you gay Fred, or even bisexual.” He said then.

“Do you have someone, some man?” Fred asked, it seemed to be impossible to get the man to shut up for a long periods of time. Michael swallowed, and tried not to think of Sam, it would only make him cry. “No, not anymore.” He answered, and realized that he was alone, for the first time in six years. The thought was both comforting, and painful at the same time. “Well, looking the way you do, you shouldn't have any troubles finding someone new... I on the other hand, am a helpless case, no girl will even look at me twice.” Fred said with sadness. “Well, don't give up hope Fred, your still young, the right girl will come along, sooner or later. You're a nice guy, just wait and see.” Michael tried to comfort him, he wasn't really sure what one should say to the other in a situation like this. “You seem to have lost weight since the last time I've seen you.” Michael added then, looking at him carefully and smiling. “Oh, you noticed? Yes I have actually, I have started a new diet, who knows, maybe I can manage to get into a beach condition, before summer.” Fred said, tapping on his belly, his _expression brightening.

“So what else is new Fred? What do you do now days?” Fred looked at him with surprise, then he smiled. The once most popular guy in high school, was talking to him, asking about his life. “Oh me? Well, nothing special really, I drive this cab, between my studies. On my free time, me and the boys play role plays. Have you ever tried?” He asked with excitement. Michael was quiet for a moment. ‘Role plays? Yeah Fred, one time this one man wanted me to act the role of a naughty school boy, who needed to be punished by the principal and.... yeah perhaps not.’ Michael thought to himself darkly. “No, I never have...” “You should try, it's so much fun.” Fred said, nodding his head, and then starting to tell him more about the fascinating world of fantasy role plays, and the characters of fantasy novels. Michael muttered something, when ever there was a pause of some sort. He wasn't really paying attention to the mans rambling. “And The lord of the rings is coming to the movie theaters soon! We‘re going to see it in the opening night with the boys. Have you seen the earlier movies?” “The lord of the rings?” Michael repeated sleepily. He remembered that Sam had been going on and on about it, he had been exited about it already in july, he smiled to the returned memories. Sam had acted like a little boy, before christmas's. "We have to go see it Michael! You'll come with me, and before that we can watch the two previous movies before hand!" He felt his heart aching again, he missed Sam already.

“Yes.” Fred answered. “I saw the first two a few months back.” He answered, trying once more to get Sam out of his head. “What did you do, out in the big world?” “I was working as a waiter, and that sort of stuff.” Michael was hoping that Fred would be quiet already. On the other hand, he was slightly surprised, that Fred was so eager to talk with him. He had thought that Fred hated him, he hadn't always been so nice to the other boy, when they had been teen-aged. “By the way Fred, about when we were younger... I'm sorry if I was a bit of a jerk sometimes, if I ever hurt your feelings. I was an idiot back then.” He said then. Fred looked at him, a little surprised. “It's alright, it`s old stuff, and you weren't that bad, not really. Okay, I admit that I did think that you were an annoying shit head sometimes, excuse the choice of word... But then, I changed my opinion about you, I think you were really a quite nice, decent guy.” Michael looked at the other man, confused, and Fred saw it. “Well, I don't know if you remember that one time, but ... Well, there was this group of guys in school that used to bother me, beating me up, calling me names, and that sort of stuff. Then one time you happened to walk by with Tony, and you started to yell at them, telling them to leave me alone, you called them a bunch of pussy's for attaching against one in a big group. They left the scene in a rush. They respected you and Tony, you were the most popular guys back then. You helped me up, and helped me to find my glasses. I'll never forget that. Those guys never bothered me again, and you never laughed at me, or joked about me after that.”

Michael didn't know what to say, there was a lots of things that he had already forgotten. He looked at the scenery quietly, the scenery that was so familiar, and yet somehow dreamlike, like from another lifetime. Finally he saw his childhood home. They stopped to the driveway. Michael rose out of the car, and looked at the two story building in front of him. He looked up to the window of his old room. He had come home, and a huge wave of emotions ran through him. Somehow he managed to keep himself together.

He walked slowly to the door of the house,that he had though never to see again. He touched the brick wall, the wooden surface of the door, and closed his eyes. He remembered the feel of them. He looked at the yard; the tree, where he and his dad had once build a birdhouse, the spot on the ground, where he and Tony had once made snowmen. The spot on the road, that he had once fallen over with his bike. So many memory's... He rang the doorbell, the ring of it sounded just the same, as it had years before. Once more he glanced over at the road, the place, where six years earlier he had rose into the taxi with Ricky. Michael felt cold shivers run down on his spine.

The door opened. His mother looked at him with surprise, but soon smiled, and pulled him into a tight hug. “Michael!” She cried out with lots of emotions in her voice, she kissed his face all over. “Come in, this is such a big surprise. I thought that you wouldn't come until next week!” Evelyn pulled her son into a second hug, as soon as they had closed the front door, after them. “I`m so glad that you came! I missed you so much!” She whispered, with tears in her eyes. “I missed you too.” Michael answered.

“Where's Sam?” Evelyn asked then, looking at the door. “Um... Sam didn't come, nor is he coming... We broke up.“ Michael told her with quiet voice. “Broke up? Why?” “I really would rather not talk about it just now, maybe later.” He said. “Of course darling, you must be tired. I fix you something to eat, and make your bed ready for you.” Evelyn said then.

Michael sat in the kitchen, and ate his bread with small bites. Everything was just like he had remembered. The way the house looked like, the way it smelled. It was really odd feeling being home again, he wondered how long it would take for him to get used of being there. He took his tea mug and drank. The mug was his own, no one had probably used it, since he left. It felt like the mug wasn't even really his, but someone else's. He wondered how many times he had drank from it, forever ago.

Evelyn returned into the kitchen, and looked at her son, without saying a word. It felt amazingly good to see him sitting there on his old seat. The boy had grown up, and changed, but at that moment, she saw her own 17-year old boy, the boy who she had lost, and who had now returned. For a moment it felt like she would have watched a ghost. “Your room is ready now, if you want to get some sleep.” Evelyn spoke then.

Michael lifted his gaze up to her, he was slightly afraid of the feeling that he would get, when walking into the room, that contained so much of his old life, more memory`s than any other room of the house. “It feels really weird being here.” He said then, and smiled to his mother. Evelyn sat down, opposite from him. “I know honey... It's a bit weird seeing you here, weird, but so good.” Evelyn smiled. “Dad is still sleeping?” Michael asked, finishing his tea. “Yes, well you know your father, that man loves sleeping.” Evelyn smiled.

Michael yawned. “I think I'm ready for bed, I haven't slept all night. We talk more when I wake up.” Michael said, rose up, and kissed his mothers cheek. “Your suitcases are up in your room. There’s some of your old clothes, still in your wardrobe. I think they still fit you.” Evelyn said, looking at her son, who had lost some weight since the last time she saw him.

Michael walked up the stairs, into his room, and opened the door slowly. For a moment it felt like he had just walked into the past. Everything was just like the day that he had left. His mother really hadn't thrown anything away. There was even the wall calendar of 1997, left open from the page of november. He closed the door after him, and looked around himself more closely. On the wall, near the bookshelf, were diplomas, gold and silver metals, from some athletics contest. On his bookshelf, was some of his old school books, photographs and few cups from dancing contests. He walked closer, and took one photo in his hand; him and Tony, at the age of eleven. He looked at the picture a long time, before placing it back down. He looked at the old poster beside his desk; Indiana Jones, the movies had been his favorites when he had been a child.

On his bed, sat an old, grey bunny, named; Thumber. Isabella had bought it to him, when he had been only two years old. Thumber had been his favorite, along with the brown bear, which he had later buried with his dead baby sister. Thumber had always been with him, until at the age of eight, he had decided, that he was too old to have soft toys, and that his reputation would be totally ruined, if anyone would found out about Thumber. However, it had been so dear to him, that he had slept with it next to him, when no one could see it. He had kept it hidden inside his wardrobe, and when he had finally admitted to himself, that he was gay, he had taken the poor, old Thumber out from it's hiding place, and laughed at it, that he knew how hard it was living in a closet. Thumber had earned a place on top of his bookshelf. His mother had apparently moved it down from there onto his bed. He smiled to his old friend, and took it into his hands. Thumber was missing one of his eye, and one the seam had broken slightly, but to him it looked perfect.

He sat on the bed, that felt oddly small, after getting used to sleep on wide double beds, but on the other hand, it felt just perfect just then. he looked at his old life around him, the room that belonged to the young, teen-age boy, who he hardly knew anymore. It almost felt like he was in a room that belonged to a stranger, and at the same time, to someone he had once known, many years ago. Everything was so so confusing. He wrapped himself under the blanked, only to fall into a restless sleep.

Chapter 36.

The door creaked as it opened. Michael woke up immediately; his heart was beading wildly against his rips as he lifted his gaze up to the door. It took him a moment to understand where he was. He saw no one in the room. ‘Then why was the door open?’ He wondered and rose to sit. He looked down on the floor, surprised of what he saw.

“Cleo? Is it you?” The cat looked up at him suspiciously; unmoving as if wondering; should she run or should she come to him. With the courage and the self-consciousness of a cat she decided to keep moving on in the direction that she was heading, and jumped smoothly on to his bedside. Michael smiled to the white grey, fluffy animal, and brought his hand slowly to meet her nose. “Cleo, old girl, do you still remember me?” The cat smelled his hand, lifted her yellowish eyes to look at him and then started to lick his hand with her happy tongue.

Michael smiled warmly to his old pet, and moved closer. He scratched her behind her ear, and under her chin. The cat bowed her head so that he could scratch her better. Then she started to purr smoothly, enjoying the attention she was getting. Michael was smiling, as he looked at the cat. Only then did he realized how much he had missed the animal; her presence, felt oddly relaxing.

The cat was quite old, about 14-years, but she looked very healthy. Her fur was shining and she still looked quite perky. Isabella had given the cat to him, when he had been ten. He had thought of her to be a very beautiful and noble animal, and so the name; 'Cleopatra' was the perfect name for her. Okay, so he had always been a little obsessed with ancient Egypt.

Finally he rose up and walked over to his old wardrobe. It was still such an odd feeling being there, in his old room. He opened the door, and looked at his old clothes that were there, he felt the fabrics with his hands, wondering, touching; like they would have been something new and odd. Lots of clothes that he remembered wearing years ago; when it seemed that he had been a totally different person.

He took a tight black t-shirt and tried it on; it fit perfectly still, his mom had been right. Then he took his old light blue jeans and dressed, again they fit with ease. Then, finally he dressed in a grey college-jumper on top of his t-shirt.

“Did you sleep well?” Evelyn asked from her son, when he came into the kitchen. “Well, I did manage to get some sleep... I woke up when Cleo came in. So she can still open doors?” Michael asked smiling and sat in front of the table. “Yes, she must think that she owns your room now, she always sleeps in there. You can lock your door this night when you go to sleep, so that she won’t bother you.” “It’s okay, I just got scared a bit. Let Cleo sleep where she wants to, it wouldn’t be fair to deprive an old lady’s sleeping place.” Michael grinned. “Would you like me to boil you some tea?” Evelyn asked. “I would love some tea, thank you... Has dad gone off to work?” “Yes, he was very pleased when I told him, that you have come home... I thought I would make some spaghetti for supper, you still like that, right?” Evelyn asked, and gave him the tea mug. Michael smiled to her. “I do, I haven’t changed that much.”

Evelyn poured him the tea, and gave him a couple of sandwiches. “I’m not hungry.” Michael tried. Evelyn looked at him firmly. “You must eat, you have lost weight, you’re not leaving the table until you’re finished.” She said, making Michael laugh softly. “Mom ...I’m 23-years old. I think I’m old enough to make up my own mind, whether I eat or not.” Evelyn turned around to face him. “I know that you’re grown up, but... Michael, please eat, you must eat... It would make me happy.” She begged, and he couldn’t refuse when he saw the look in her eyes. He took the other sandwich and started eating it slowly, with small bites. Evelyn smiled, and sat opposite from him.

“Sam called a couple of hours ago.” She said then, and looked at him closely. Michael placed his sandwich down on the table and stared at his tea mug. Why was it, that even hearing his name, made his heart ache from the mere longing of his lover? ‘Ex-lover’ His mind corrected him. “I told him that you were sleeping, and I asked him to call back later.” Evelyn still looked at him, and when he didn’t answer, she continued. “Honey, what happened? Why did you two break up? I don’t understand... Did Sam ?...” Evelyn started, with unsure voice. “Did Sam what?” Michael asked. His mother hesitated. “Did Samuel hurt you in any way?” She asked finally. In her heart she knew that Sam wouldn’t hurt her son, but still. So many bad things had happened to him, that from now on, she would always be suspicious and scared for him. “No.” Michael answered quickly. “Sam didn’t do any such thing, I just ... It’s better this way, it is. If he calls, then tell him that I’m not home or something.” Michael said and took a sip of his tea, without looking at her. “You should have heard his voice ... I think you should talk with him, clear up things between you two. It’s not fair to Sam, if you’re not even going to answer his calls.” Evelyn spoke firmly.

The phone began ringing. Evelyn rose up, and went to answer. “Evelyn Wills speaking... Just one moment, please.” She took the phone receiver between her hands. “This is for you, it’s Katherine.” Michael looked at his mother, little confused at first. “Katherine?… Oh, you mean Kitty.” Michael rose up and took the phone.

“Hi Kitty” “Hey, what happened between you and Sam? You weren’t serious when you left him, right?” She asked with worry. “Um... well, I think this is for the better.” Michael said hesitating. “Better? How can it be better? You love each other, Sam needs you, and he’s quite a big mess right now. He has tried calling you, hundreds of times, why won’t you answer?” Kitty asked, her voice tightening. “I was sleeping, my cell has been on silent...” Michael tried to explain. “Well, then you should call him back, soon.” “It would be of no use... I... it’s better for us both to go our separate ways, tell him that. Now I must go, bye!” Michael said quickly and hung up, he mustn’t give in, not now.

Kitty sighted deeply, and placed her cell down on the near table. She then came back in the living room, where Sam sat; in front of the TV, a gloomy _expression on his face. “You called him?” He asked, not looking at her. Kitty sat down next to him on the couch. “Yes, I did.” She admitted. Sam had decided, not ask more questions, but soon he found it too hard. The longing and curiosity, were too hard to bead. “What did he say?” He asked finally. “Uh, nothing much. He had just woken up.” Kitty said, burrowing her eyebrows, as she thought about the phone call and her conversation with Michael, at Sam’s birthday party.

“What did he say Kitty?” Sam asked again. Kitty turned to look at him. “He said ... that it would be better this way.” She answered quietly. “Should have guessed as much... So I guess this was it then.” Sam sighted, trying to fight against the tears, he wrapped his arms around himself. “I don`t think that he really means it Sam. You should still try, give him some time, and try again to talk with him.” “What`s the use? If he doesn`t want me, then he doesn`t. I am not going to make a fool out of myself and beg for his love.” Sam snorted and nipped his bottom lip. Kitty shook her head. “Oh my God, you men are so clueless at times! This is so obvious; Michael loves you, and he has gotten the idea in his head that he`ll only make you unhappy. He talked to me about this earlier. I thought I got some sense into him, but I think something has happened, something that he’s not telling.” Sam looked at her, with suspicion clear on his eyes. On the other hand, the thing she said did make sense. “Alright, I`ll still keep on trying, I won`t give up.”

***********

Michael sat on the floor of his room, going through his old stuff; old school notebooks, drawings and letters. He found an old letter from Tony; the day 7.20.1990 written on it.

Hi, Michael!

How`re ye doing? I`m doing fine. We`re at Edinburgh again. Boring as hell! It would be more fun, if you would be here too. Grandma has gone loony. Can`t remember when she has drank her tea, so she keeps going on and on about it; “Is the tea ready? Should we boil us a coup of tea?” Yesterday, I hurt my leg, she said I should drink more tea! That woman is out of her mind I tell ye.

How was ye trip in Paris? Were there a lot of beret heads, carrying a French bread? Well, I have to go now, my uncle is giving a bagpipe performance. Lord help us! I`m wearing a kilt! I`m sure ya would laugh if ya could see me now!

See ya soon!

Pst: I like ya!

Yours truly: Tony

Michael smiled and placed the letter back to his drawer. He wondered should he finally give a call to his old friend? But for some reason, he was slightly scared of it. What would he say to his best friend after six long years?

He found an old notebook, where he and Tony had written some very odd war story, where they killed a bunch of Nazis. He read it for a while; the clumsy writing of two nine year olds. He laughed quietly, of how stupid and funny it was. And here they had thought to be a couple of great writers.

He found a black book, which had been his journal. He browsed it through, and finally stopped to one of the pages to read more carefully.

7.10.1997

I can`t take this much longer, all I can think about is Tony. It`s so much more difficult now, when we`re here in Ireland, sharing the same room every night. I`m so aware of his presence, that I find it hard to fall a sleep. My heart and my body aches to be nearer to him, I would just want to go to him, and sleep next to his warm body. I`m sick, aren`t I? Tony is my best friend!

Last night, I had to get away from this room, away from him. I needed some time alone to think things through. I went riding, and I just didn`t care a damn, even if Rachel would yell at me later. Horseback riding, alone, in a warm summer night; nothing can beat that. It always relaxes me, I felt so much better afterward.

I had been right, thinking that Rachel would yell at me. The stable caretaker; Gerald, had told on me. The woman drives me mad, it sometimes amazes me, that we`re actually related. She doesn`t like Isabella, for some odd reason or another, and she blames her for my wildness, as she likes to call it. She says that it`s the Spanish blood that runs through my veins, or something as idiotic as that. I could see that Tony had a hard time not to laugh when he listened to this.

I asked Tony, does he think that I`m wild by nature. He said that sometimes yes, that it`s because of the way I act sometimes. He said that I often act before thinking, that when I`m mad I might run off head on to things. He thought that that`s why, Rachel calls me wild. I never saw myself that way, it kind of makes me wonder, what other things there is in myself, that others see, and I can not? Oh well ...

Earlier today, I went riding with Tony. We stopped near the forest. I somehow managed to hurt my ankle, when I was getting down from the horse. Damn, I have no clue of why I always get so clumsy near Tony. He was worried, and insisted that he could take a look of my ankle. I let him do it.

His touch; so gentle, and the way he looked at me: oih... It was odd, really odd. I could hardly breath. I can`t understand why he looks at me so, I want him to stop it, and a part of me wants him to always look at me so. It`s as if he would feel the same as I feel for him. But I must be wrong, I could never be so lucky, could I?

Oh God, Tony is just so ...I can`t even find the right words to describe him. He has the greenest eyes, I`ve ever seen. Green as the leaves of a forest, like green emeralds. His hazel hair, the freckles on his face; I would not change a single place of any of them. Every time I see him, my heart would want nothing more than to cry out; I love you, I love you, I love you! But how could I? How could I tell him? I fear loosing him, if I did tell him. And how could I go on without him in my life, when he has always been there? Always, from the first day, I opened my eyes to this world.

Oh God, why are You tormenting me so? I do not want to feel, what I feel, yet I can`t stop wanting! I do not know what to do, I do not know what lies ahead, but I fear for it. If only someone would come, and sway me to the right path. If only...

************************

The doorbell rang. Evelyn wiped her wet hands on to her apron , and went to open. “Tony!” She smiled, when looking at the young man, who was almost like an own son to her. “Come in.” Tony smiled exited, and glanced upstairs, where he heard some Spanish music playing. “Is he home?” He asked, taking his coat off. “Yes, he's in his room.” Evelyn answered and smiled. “Michael!” She called, but the music was too loud for him to hear. “I'll go tell him that you're here.” Evelyn said and was about to walk upstairs, when Tony stopped her. “Wait, let me go up there?” Tony asked. Evelyn nodded her head and smiled. “Yes, of course you can go.” She said then.

Tony walked up the stairs, each step taken slowly, his heart was beating wildly in his chest. He couldn't stop smiling, when thought that he would soon see his best friend, who he had missed deeply all those years. He stopped in front of the door, taking a deep breath, he wondered should he knock, or just enter. He decided to knock. “The door is open.” The voice answered, and Tony reached for the doorknob, pressing it down, and opening the door. He looked at his friend, who sat on the floor, going through some papers in front of him, his back was turned against the door. Tony`s smile grew, as did the beating of his heart. It was him, it really was him. For a moment Tony was at a loss for words, he just stood there, looking at him.

“I`m not hungry yet.” Michael said finally, looking at some black book. “No? Although that`s not really what I came here to ask.” Tony answered, feeling ecstatic as his best friend finally turned his eyes to meet him. “Tony?!” Michael`s mouth dropped open. Tony just kept on smiling to him like a madman. "Aye" He grinned, trying his best to control his urge to jump on his friend to give him a great big hug. Michael stood up, with slightly shaking legs, he looked at Tony from head to toe, not really knowing what to do, or what to think. His mind kept repeating his friend’s name over and over again. “You've grown Tony.” The words slipped out of his mouth. Tony had indeed grown taller, he had been tall at the age of 17, but now, he was at least 10cm taller than back then, reaching the height of 190cm. Tony laughed softly. “Aye, I guess I have.”

Tony couldn't take it any longer, and closed the distance between them, he took his smaller friend into a tight, but yet a gentle hug. “Oh God, how I missed you.” Tony whispered. Michael wrapped his arms around him, tears falling down. He remembered the scent of his friend, and it made him feel safe. He was safe with Tony. “I missed you too, you have no idea how much.” He whispered, with a smile on his lips.

They sat down on the floor, and Tony looked at the papers on the floor with interest. “What are ya doing?” He asked then. “Going through my old stuff, mom hasn`t thrown anything away. I even found some six year old toffee, from my drawer.” Michael grinned in disgust. “Oh, that's disgusting.” Tony admitted, and took one of Michael`s old notebook for a closer look. Michael tossed some old papers in to the litter bin. “What were those?” “My old school schedules.” Michael told him, and turned to look at him, he smiled. It was odd to see Tony sitting next to him. He wasn't really sure what to say to him, even when there was so many things left to say, things he wanted to say. He turned his attention back to his papers, all the while very aware of his friends presence.

“I found this by the way, do you still remember this?” He handed the war story to Tony. “The destruction of the Nazis?” Tony read out loud, with amused tone. “Oh God, I had already forgotten.” He laughed.

Tony looked at Michael`s profile from the side. Michael was even more beautiful than he had remembered. He looked at nape of his neck; there was three small birthmarks that formed a small triangle. He remembered clearly; all the times, that he had sat behind his friend during classes and stared at his beautiful neck. He wanted to touch him so badly that it hurt. He wanted to wrap himself around him, to kiss those perfect lips. He still remembered what it felt like to kiss him; it was like tasting a small piece of heaven. He had only kissed him once, and he could still remember the feel of his lips. It had haunted him; the best kiss of his life, his best friend, those lips. But he had ruined it all, he had been too afraid, and that's why he had lost him. It might be too late to correct the past mistake now.

His hand acted, before he had time to think straight; he leaned forward and grazed gently at the smooth skin of his friends neck. He smiled to the feeling, he felt pleasurable tingling going through him. His skin was warm and real, oh how he had missed it. Michael looked at him, smiled with confusion, and touched the place that his hand had touched just seconds before. “What is it? Was there something on my neck?” The soft, innocent voice asked. Tony smiled, trying to hide his embarrassment.

“Aye... It was just some dirt, I took it off.” He lied, and looked at the chocolate brown eyes of his friends. He gulped. Those eyes were so beautiful, so capturing. Michael smiled to him, before turning his eyes away. Something had changed, Tony noticed. Something in his eyes, something in his friend. The boy he had once known, would have teased him about what had just happened. He would have laughed, and he would have seen the lie, hidden behind his words, noticed his embarrassment. His eyes, even yet so beautiful, held something inside that had not been there before. Pain? sadness? Tony wondered. What was the secret that he tried to hide? Tony wanted to know. He wanted for the other to grin at him with confidence, he wanted him to tease him, the way he had, when they had been younger. Challenge him to touch him, challenge him to kiss him. Tony closed his eyes, and remembered the situation six years ago, still regretting, that he hadn`t done it differently.

“I heard... I mean your mother told me, that you were at the hospital, because someone shot you.” Tony said finally. Michael stopped what he was doing, and gazed far into the emptiness. “Yes.” He admitted quietly. ”Who shot you? What happened?” ”Um…it was this one guy ...” Michael started. “Who was he? Did you know him?” Tony asked, and Michael nodded his head. “The man, who I left with, back then ... I really wouldn`t want to talk about this now. Okay?” Michael turned to look at him. Tony would have wanted to know more, but didn`t want to push it. “Alright, I understand. If you ever want to talk about it, then ...” Tony started. “Some other time, I promise.” He said, and smiled weakly.

“When is your boyfriend coming? I heard from your parents, that you were with someone.” “He`s not coming, we broke up ...Um ...So how`s things going with you Tony?” Michael wanted to change the subject, it hurt too much to talk about Sam. “Well, after senior high school, I worked on a couple of ships, as a sailor, then I worked at the harbor. Now I`m studying in a business school, not really my thing, but I just don`t know what I would like to do with my life, so...” “That makes two of us.” Michael smiled with sympathy.

“What was it like, to be a sailor? How did you end up doing that?” He asked then, with curiosity. “It was okay. Got to see lots of different places, different country`s. I guess I just always hoped, that I would end up finding you. There were a lot times when I thought that I saw you some where in the crowd, but it was never you, I never could find you for real.” Michael looked at him with surprise on his features. “Oh Michael, I was such a big oaf back then, when you told me, can you ever forgive me?” Tony asked, looking at him with hope in his eyes. “Of course Tony, I forgave you a long time ago... I was kind of stupid myself. And you were right; I was childish. Lets just forget about the past mistakes, okay?” “Okay.”

There was a knock on the door. “The supper is ready, your dad is home too. Will you stay for supper Tony?” Evelyn asked. Tony and Michael rose up from the floor. ”Thanks for the invite, but I really must go. I promised to have supper with my family this evening.” Tony said and turned to look at Michael. “I`ll talk with you later, I`ll call you.” Michael nodded his head, and smiled. “See you Eve, see you Mikey.” Tony said smiling, when he was walking away from the room. Evelyn approached her son. “It`s nice to see you smile.” She said, touching his cheek gently.

They sat in front of the table. Henry had a wide smile on his lips, as he looked at his small reunited family. “Your grandparents are coming here for christmas's” Evelyn told him, when finishing her supper. Michael dropped his fork, when he heard this. “What? Oh no…” He sighted. “Do they know that I`m here?” He asked. “Yes, and they look forward to seeing you after such a long time.” His father spoke. “I’ll probably end up hearing how sinful I am, and that all gay`s are bad people and... uh… I just really wouldn`t need to deal with that right now.” “Relax darling, I told them to act proper, and we promise to throw them out, if they won`t.” Evelyn spoke, and shot a sharp look towards her husband. “Right Henry?” The man felt slightly uncomfortable. “They'll know how to act. They`re old people, just try not to pay any attention to them, even if they were to say something stupid.” He said, and tried to smile soothingly to his son. “If it makes you feel any better; your cousin Tara, and her husband are coming too, with their small daughter.” Evelyn said next. “Tara has a daughter? How old is she?” “She`s one and a half years old.” His mother answered. “So much has changed.” Michael noted quietly, staring at his still half full plate, moving the food around with his fork.

Late at night, he laid on his bed, unable to fall asleep. He thought about Sam, no matter how much he tried not to think of him; was always there, on his mind.

It was as if Sam had been able to read his thoughts, because at that moment his cell began to ring. He wanted to hear his voice so badly, to hear that Sam would be okay.

”Hey.” He answered finally. “Hey.” Sam`s voice sounded tired, but relieved at the same time. “I though you wouldn`t answer to my calls anymore.” Sam said, after being quiet for awhile. Michael didn`t know what to say, he sighted quietly and bite down on his lip. “Are you still there?” Sam asked carefully. “Yes... I just... You shouldn`t call me anymore.” Michael said, feeling the pain coming with his words. “Why? Please tell me whats happened.” “Nothing has happened. I just don`t want to be with you anymore. This is for the best Sam, you`ll see.” “But this is not for the best! I`m miserable here, without you... I love you. I don`t know what I could do to make you believe that. Tell me what I can do?” Sam asked. Michael felt the tears in his eyes. ”Don`t call me anymore. Good bye Sam.” Michael said and finished the call. He cried silently against his pillow, trying to convince himself, that he had done the right thing.

It was two am, the next time he looked at his clock. He had twirled on his bed, slept only brief moments, and now he rose up feeling tired and frustrated. He dressed in his robe and slippers, and skulked downstairs. He was surprised seeing his mother sitting in front of the kitchen table, filling a crossword puzzle.

“What are you doing up mom?” He asked, and sat down on the opposite chair. “It`s sometimes hard to fall asleep, all I see is nightmares. This time someone broke in here, and ...” Evelyn started, but decided not to continue. The truth was, that in her bad dream, the men who broke in, were about to hurt her son, and she hadn`t been able to help him. She was afraid for him constantly, especially when she knew that one of his rapist were still out there, and no one knew where. “You can`t sleep either?” She asked then. “No, I have the same problem; nightmares.” Michael smiled weakly. “Would you like some hot chocolate?” She suggested and rose up. “Thanks, I would love some.” “How about, if I add some chili in it, like my own mother used to do?” She asked smiling. “I would love that even more.”

She handed him the hot cup of cacao and sat down with her own. “Have you talked with Samuel?” She asked. “Yes.” ”And? What did he say? What did you say?” Evelyn watched her son closely. “We`re not together any more, I told him that.” “I just don`t understand sweetheart, why did you leave him? That man loves you, you can see it through miles. What happened?” Evelyn really did like Sam, and she hoped that the two of them would return back together. He wanted her son to be with someone, who truly loved him, and she knew that Sam was just that person. She had seen the pain that Sam had gone through, during Michael`s kidnapping.

“Nothing happened. I just want to be on my own. Is it really that hard to understand?” Michael snorted, with frustration. “Of course I understand. I won`t ask anymore questions, if you don`t want me to.” Evelyn said, and stroked his hand soothingly. “I love you.” She whispered smiling. Michael lifted his eyes to meet with hers. “I love you too mom.” “Listen, I have to go christmas`s shopping tomorrow, would you like to join me?” She suggested then. Michael hesitated for a moment, wondering could he handle going out in a crowd. On the other hand, it would be nice to see some old, familiar surroundings. “Alright, I do need to buy some presents too.” He said.

Chapter 37.

Michael took his medicine, which was supposed to prevent him of having panic-attacks. He got dressed and walked downstairs, where his mother was waiting for him. “Are you ready hon?” She asked smiling. Michael nodded his head and smiled, he dressed his coat on, and they walked outside, over to the car.

Michael watched the scenery in silent, it still felt so odd being there. The oddest part was when he saw his old school. “Are you alright sweetheart?” Evelyn asked, when Michael hadn’t said a word in a long time. “I’m fine.” Michael said, turning his head to look at her, he smiled little sadly. “You know, you could finish your school by studying at home? I’m sure that it could be arranged.” Evelyn suggested, like reading his thoughts. “I’ll have to look into it after Christmas.” Was his reply, he then turned to face the car window.

The shopping mall was quite full with people, who were walking around in a hurry, carrying big shopping packs with presents in them. Michael stayed close to his mother, feeling somewhat nervous. He looked all the people that came to close to him, with suspicion. “Hm...now what on earth should I buy to your father.” Evelyn wondered out loud, stopping, and looking around herself. “Lets go to the bookshop first?” She asked. ”Alright, it’s fine with me.”

Evelyn kept her eyes on her son, as he walked little farther away from her, to look at some books. She wanted constantly to know where he was. She was afraid that if she would loose him even for one small moment, something terrible could happen. Evelyn suddenly noticed looking warningly at any one, who came too near to him for her liking, or looked at him little longer than they would need to. In her eyes, every male was now a possible threat.

“Evelyn! My, my, it has been along time.” A male voice said behind her. Evelyn turned around, and tried to force a smile. She glanced over at her son, making sure that he was still where he was suppose to be. Then she looked back at the man; Gary Harte. “Hello Gary.” She greeted him, with slightly tense voice. She really wasn’t in the mood to have a conversation with this man. “So Christmas shopping, eh?” He said, and winked at her. Evelyn shivered slightly from disgust.

Gary Harte, was a biology teacher, at the same school where she had used to work , before Michael had disappeared. The man had been the most annoying of her fellow teachers. The man had developed a huge crush on her; bringing her gifts, done everything in his power to get her to go out with him, and been too thick headed to understand, when she had tried to tell him that she was quite happily married. “Yes.” She answered, and kept looking at where her son was. “I’m in a slight hurry, I...” Evelyn tried. “So how’s things going with you beautiful?” Gary asked quickly, ignoring her attempts to leave.

Michael glanced over at her mother, and saw the man with her. He could see clearly how uncomfortable she felt with him. “Mom, should we get on going, we’ll be late soon?” Michael said coming next to her. He looked at the man with suspicion. “Oh, let me guess, this is Michael? You come back home then.” The man said smiling. Michael rolled his eyes. “Oh my, indeed look at the time, we really need to get going.” Evelyn said looking at her watch. She was feeling grateful that Michael had come to her rescue. “It was a pleasure of seeing you Evelyn, I sure hope that we meet again soon, with a better time.” Gary smiled, resting his eyes on her slim figure. Michael would have wanted to hit him hard, for the way he had looked at his mother. “Bye Gary.” Evelyn said quickly.

“Who was that?” Michael asked, when they walked away from the store. “Gary Harte, a biology teacher from the school I used to work at.” Evelyn answered, and smiled weakly. “So this man seems to have a serious crush on you, I saw the way he looked at you.” Michael said and looked at her closely. “Yes, I really wouldn't need his admiring though. And please don’t tell your father, you know how he can get, if some other man, tries to make a move on me. You remember that Loure thing?” Evelyn asked. “Oh yes... And don't worry, I won't tell.” Michael smiled. He knew exactly how his mother felt. How many times some jerk had tried to hit on him? He didn't even remember. So he and his mother had more in common that he could have ever imagined.

They had already bought few presents when they came into one clothing store. His mother knew exactly where she was going. She stopped to look at one red evening dress. She touched the fabric, looking at it somehow longingly. “That’s a beautiful dress, I’m sure it would look great on you.” Michael said, coming behind her. “Mm...it’s just so expensive.” Evelyn said, still looking at the dress. “Alright, go try it on, it’s an order.” Michael said, took the dress, and a hold of his mother’s hand, guiding her towards the dressing cubicles. He opened a door to one and gently pushed her in, giving the dress to the hands of the very surprised woman. “I’ll wait out here, while you try it.” Michael said, closing the door in front of her face.

Finally she stepped out, the dress fitted on her body perfectly, like it was made for her figure. She looked absolutely radiant. “Oh mom, you look so beautiful.” Michael said smiling. “Really?” Evelyn asked and looked at herself from the mirror. ”Really, dad couldn’t keep his hands away, if he saw you in that.” Michael said then. Evelyn smiled, looking at her own figure very closely. She had never felt herself as beautiful, as she did now. She looked at her son through the mirror. “I just don’t know. It's Christmas, one shouldn't buy expensive things for oneself.” She said then. “How about if I buy it for you.” Michael said. “You shouldn't spend your money on me dear. I have plenty of dresses back home and...” “No buts, I insist. Now go, and change your clothes ... And just think how much you have spent of your money on my clothes once, and I did have quite an expensive taste back then. And besides it would make me happy if I could buy it for you.” Michael told her. Evelyn looked at him and smiled. “Well, only if it makes you happy?” “Yes it will.” Michael smiled back.

Michael sat on one of the bench at the shopping centre. He waited for his mother who was at the pharmacy. He kept his gaze cast down. It somehow felt as of everyone was looking at him, whispering about him. He knew that he was probably just imagining, but couldn’t convince himself well enough.

He heard someone approaching and his head immediately snapped up. He looked at the dark haired young woman, with blue grey eyes. The woman looked at him, little insecurely. “Michael?” She asked finally and stepped closer to him. Michael looked at her more carefully, only now recognizing her. “Jenny?” He asked in surprise, wondering how he could not have recognized her right from the start. “Oh my God, it is you. This is so odd, oh my god.” She let out a soft laugh, looking at him from head to toe. “Can I sit here?” She asked. “Of course Jen.”

“I still can’t believe that it’s you. It’s been so long.” She said, smiling. She looked at her one time boyfriend’s face closely; he was still as beautiful as he had been back then, maybe even more so now. “It is strange seeing you as well Jen, strange, but nice.” “When did you come back?” She asked then. “Yesterday morning.” Michael replied. “So, where were you anyway?” ”In New York, and Paris.” “Oh, that sounds interesting. I've always wanted to see the world, to travel more, but somehow I just seem to have gotten stuck in my place here.” Michael smiled to her. “So how’s life treating you Jen?” “Oh, just fine. I’m engaged, and living with my fiancé.” Jenny told him. “Oh, that’s good to hear. Congratulations.” “Thanks, so how about you? Do you have a boyfriend or...?” “No, it’s good to be on my own for awhile.”

Evelyn walked over to her son, and greeted his old friend. Michael stood up, followed by Jenny. “It was great seeing you and I would love to see you some other time too. We have a class reunion coming up, some where in February or March, it would be nice if you could come?” Jenny asked. “Um, well I... I'll think about it. It was nice seeing you too Jenny.” He answered. They said their goodbyes to each other. The class reunion didn`t interest him that much though. Endless questions, and peoples, who probably still hated him.

They went to a couple of more stores, until the shopping center became ever more full with people. Evelyn could see that Michael was starting to get more nervous. “Lets go home honey, we've been here quite long enough.” Evelyn said and looked at him. Michael smiled and nodded his head, looking relieved.

When Michael came back to his room, he locked his door, turned the music on and laid on his bed. He was tired, so very tired. He tried his best, he wanted to be a good sport and forget. He had succeeded in his task quite well, up until now; he smiled, and pretended to be fine. He had pretended so many years, and now, he was just so tired. He lift his hands up to hide his face, and wept. It felt like some big painful lump would have been growing inside him, a lump that refused to leave, and he had no idea how to get it out. His mother had looked so happy today, and he wanted her to be happy, and not to worry about him. He didn't want to be a burden, he didn't want to be in the way. It just hurt so bad, and he just didn't know what he should do, or to whom he could talk to. It was too awful to speak about, it made him feel so dirty. He would have to spend his remaining years alone. No man would ever want him, if they knew, Michael thought. And the only man he wanted anymore was Sam, so it really didn't matter.

The voices still haunted him at times. When he closed his eyes, he could still see their faces. In his dreams, it was even worse; distorted, and just plain horrible. Red all over; blood, the horrible laugh. He bit his bottom lip, praying for a miracle that would allow him to just forget.

He heard a knock on his door. “Michael, supper is ready.” The voice of his mother told him. Michael cleared his throat. “I’m coming!” He told her, trying to make his voice sound as even as possible. He rose up from the bed, and came to the mirror. He wiped the tears away, making sure that his parents couldn’t see that he had cried. “Just breath, everything is alright, breath.” He told himself, and took few deep calming breaths. When he reached downstairs, and saw his parents sitting in front of the table; he lift his chin up, and forced a smile on his lips. Surely he could just force himself to be happy again?

12.24

“Welcome, how was your flight here?” Evelyn greeted her parents-in-law, her husbands niece; her husband and their small daughter. “It was okay, there was quite a big jam, especially at Heathrow.” Rachel answered, while taking her coat off. Henry followed them inside carrying their luggage.

Michael looked at his grandparents from upstairs. He took a deep breath, preparing himself for what was coming, before walking downthe stairs slowly. He had really feared this moment. "Hey" He greeted them little shyly. His grandparents gave him a funny look. “Michael!” Tara called out, she gave her daughter quickly to the arms of her husband, and rushed to give her younger cousin a hug. “It`s so good to see you! Really nice, oh my god... You have grown up! Let me look at you; wow... You look so good!” Tara shrieked, smiling wildly, as she looked at him from head to toe, and pulled him into another tight hug. Michael felt slightly uncomfortable of her excitement. Sure he was happy to see her, but he didn't like this much attention.

Tara`s husband walked closer. “This is my husband; Ryan O'Connor, and our daughter Katie.” Tara introduced them. Michael shook his hand and they exchanged few words. He looked at the little girl in his arms; she had a black hair, like her parents, and she had inherited her mothers bright blue eyes. “Hello little one.” Michael smiled and stroked her cheek smoothly. The girl smiled, and looked at him with her curious, big eyes. “She is beautiful, just like her mother.” Michael said and gave a smile to his cousin.

“Alright, would you like a coup of tea then? Henry can take your luggage to upstairs.” Evelyn suggested, after admiring the beautiful child for a second. She still sometimes dreamed that she could be a grandmother herself one day, she loved children.

“Well Michael, it has been awhile.” Rachael said, and looked at her grandson, while they were sitting in the living room, drinking tea. “Yes, it has.” Michael replied, with slightly unsure voice, squeezing his tea cup in his hand, tighter than it would have been necessary. “You caused a lot of worry to your parents, disappearing like that.” She kept going. “I know.” “Well you were always very careless boy. Always doing what pleased you, not caring about the rules, or others.” She continued. Michael's eyes widened, he could feel the blood boiling inside his veins. She didn't know him at all, if this was what she truly thought of him. “I know why it so; you...” Rachel was already starting. “Rachel! I`m warning you. You will not talk to my son this way!” Evelyn said, with clear anger on her usually so calm features. The woman looked coldly at her daughter-in-law, but didn't say another word.


His grandfather hadn`t spoken a word to him, and barely even looked at him. They sat in front of the dining table, the conversation seemed very forced, overly polite. Michael looked at Tara, who sat opposite from him. He rolled his eyes, to his grandfathers dry conversation, made funny faces and played with his food, earning a small giggle from Tara. She tried hard not to laugh. Then Evelyn saw what he was doing, and he immediately stopped, smiled, and tried to act correctly. Evelyn smiled back to him gently, she was just happy seeing him playing around, like he had years ago. She knew she should be strict with table manners, but she just couldn`t, not when it came to him.

Evelyn cleared the table when they had finished eating. “Henry, Ryan, what if us men move to the living room, for a glass of brandy.” Peter Wills suggested rising up. Michael looked at him, and sighted. Apparently he wasn`t included to this group. His grandfather, despised gay-people, to him gay men, weren't even men, they were nothing to him.

“Michael would you like to join us?” His father asked, when rising up. Peter`s expression darkened. “No thank you dad.” Michael smiled to his father, and then turned to look at the older man, his smile fading.”You men can go, my place is here with the lady's, right grandfather?” Michael said, raising one of his eyebrows to him. Peter cleared his throat, and looked at him, not able to hide his disgust for him. And once there had been a time, when this same man, had looked at him with pride, going on and on about how intelligent and bright his grandson was. “I don't think you would be interested of the things we talk about, it's indeed better for you to stay here.” The old man said finally, turning around and leaving the room. His father and Ryan followed him, looking little helpless, and giving apologetic looks behind.

Michael sat on his bed, Tara next to him and Katie, in Michael`s arms. Michael lift the girl up and the child laughed. He soon noticed being in a better mood himself than in ages. It must have been because of the child. Tara looked at them smiling. “Katie likes you.” She said. Michael looked at his cousin, and smiled. “It`s so weird that you’re a mother already. I mean, you`re a great mother, don`t get me wrong. It`s just that I remember you being this teen-age girl, who was angry at the whole world, and here you are now, all grown up, so motherly... Katie is a wonderful child”

Michael brought the girl closer to him, and made funny faces to her, the girl laughed even more. “I think you could make an excellent father, have you ever thought about having children of your own?” She asked. “Children?... I could find some messed up lesbian, and together we could raise a bunch of equally messed up children... No, I wouldn't be a great father, I think I would be terrible. I probably wouldn't dare to let them out. I would be suspicious of everyone trying to be their friends, we would always stay inside. And maybe, just maybe, if they had been behaving really, really good, we could go as far as our fenced back yard, to have a picnic.... And what kind of life would that be?” Michael looked at Tara and grinned. He turned back to look at the girl. “Doesn't that sound exiting Katie? You would just jump at the chance to go visit uncle Michael, wouldn't you? Oh I know you would.” Katie seemed to think that what ever he said was funny, so she laughed again.

“Your mother told me what happened to you..” Tara said finally. Michael`s expression became more serious. “She thought that it would be good for me to know. ... I'm sorry, I don't know what to say... I just want you to know, that you can talk to me about anything.” Tara spoke a little insecurely, and nipped her bottom lip. She really didn't know how to talk about something like this, what should she say, and how could she help him the best? "She told you everything? About what they did?” Michael's voice was trembling. He was afraid to look at her, afraid of what could be seen from her eyes. He felt ashamed. “Yes...” She admitted quietly. “Do you want to talk about it?” She asked carefully. Michael looked at the girl sitting on his lap. “I just want to forget about it.” He answered quietly. Tara didn`t know what to say, so she gently wrapped her arms around him, and kissed his cheek. “I love you Michael, you have been like a little brother to me. I`m always going to be there for you, if you need me. Like you were always there for me when I needed you.” She whispered. “I love you too Tara. I just don’t want to talk about it, not yet anyway.” Michael whispered back. They sat in silent for a long time, the only sounds in the room; were the quiet giggles of the small girl, still sitting on his lap.
 

Chapter 38.

December 25th

“Merry christmas!” Evelyn wished happily, when he came to the kitchen that morning. “Merry christmas to you too mom.” Michael smiled, and gave her a kiss on the cheek. The whole house smelled so nice, so like christmas. He had missed this. He took a cup hot chocolate, and walked into the living room, where Tara and Katie, already were. Katie sat by the tree, and looked at the big pile of gifts with curiosity. She then tried to eat the corner of one larger gift. She looked absolutely adorable. “Merry christmas Tara.” The woman stood up and walked over to him, to give him a hug. “Merry christmas my dear cousin.” She said and kissed his cheek. Michael smiled, and went to pick the little girl up to his arms. ”And merry christmas for you too little one.”

The others soon woke up, and gathered into the living room. Everyone seemed to be in a good mood, the radio played christmas songs, they all chatted happily and Tara handed out the gifts to everyone. To Michael`s surprise, he noticed that his grandmother was looking at him and smiling, he never remembered seeing such a warm smile on her face before. A little insecurely, he smiled back at her.

Michael couldn't remember, a time that he had ever recieved so many gifts at once. He got a few new books, two new shirts, three cd's, chocolate,a dvd-player, and couple of DVDs. “You have spend way too much money on my presents... Thank you so much for all of them.” He said to his parents with a smile. “I would have wanted to buy you more gifts, but your father held me down.” Evelyn admitted, and placed her hand on her husbands thigh. “Well, I wouldn't have stopped her if we were very rich, but after all, there is life after christmas too.” Henry laughed softly.

Once everyone had opened their presents, Michael went back to his own room to change his clothes. Soon he heard a knock on his door. “Come in, it's open.” Michael answered, and turned to look at his mother, who had just walked in. “There is one more present, it came with the mail this week.” Evelyn said and gave him a large envelope, containing a present inside. Michael opened it, there was a oblong case inside, and a letter. He sat on his bed, and started to read the letter;

”Dear Michael

I know you asked me to distance myself from your life, and not to contact you anymore. I just find it very hard to believe, that this indeed is what you really want. Maybe my heart is just too stubborn to believe it, because it brings so much pain to me. I love you now, and I always will, it will never change. I want you to be happy, and if it's not me, to make you so, then I'll understand, and will not stand in your way.

In my heart though, I feel that there is something, that you're not telling me? If it really is true, then please, my love, please tell me? Do you not know, that I would stand by your side what ever may come? There isn't anything that you could not tell me.

Kitty told me, that she had a talk with you. She told me everything that you were afraid of, and I'm sorry, that I haven't been able to express myself about; just how happy you make me. Yes, this has been difficult as hell, I won't try to denney it. It hurts, and I have been depressed, and I have been sad. But I'm only sad when you are, and only happy when you're happy.

You're still blaming yourself for what happened, but you should not do that. You did nothing wrong! You could not help to prevent what happened, remember that. To me, you are and always will be, the same person that I fell in love with from the start, always as pure, always as beautiful. That person might be hidden underneath the pain, but I know that inside you are, who you always were. I love you, I never get bored of telling you that.

I have thought about us a lot, and about you. I think you might fear, that my love for you is only superficial, that I would only love your beauty. But I can assure you, that it's not so. My love for you goes so much deeper than that. You are wise, funny, you have a warm heart, and so many other things that I could not help but to love. I love the way you always leave your tea cups laying around every where, I even love the annoying little habit of yours, to but cd's in different cases, so I can never find the right ones. My cd's might be in their right cases now, but it's boring, and I miss you mixing them up again, and... Oh, I just miss you, okay?

You are a survivor, words are not enough to tell you how much I admire and respect you. You are the bravest person, I've ever known. You have never given up before, so do not give up now. You deserve happiness, you deserve the best, and I hope that some day, you`ll have it. I do hope that it would be with me, but if your heart does not feel the same, then I`ll understand.

I think I`m just starting to repeat myself? At times like this, I wish that I could be a great poet, that I could form my feelings in perfect lines, but I`m afraid that I can not write so well. All I ask, is one word from you; so that I could at least know that you'll be alright. After that I promise to leave you alone, if that is what you wish me to do... Merry christmas, I'll send you a gift with my letter.

With love: Sam”

Michael felt the tears in his eyes, his heart urged him to find his cell, and call to Sam immediately, but the other voice still argued, telling him that by doing that, he would risk Sam`s life and he could never forgive himself for that.

He then opened the present and looked at the necklace inside; and Irish celtic necklace; 'the eye of a druid'. It was being said, that it would help you to see things the way they are, and not the way they look like.

”May I ask, who wrote to you?” Evelyn asked, although she had a pretty good idea. “Sam.” Michael answered, and looked at the necklace more carefully. Evelyn looked at it too, and recognized it. “The eye of a druid” She said out loud. “What did Sam write?” She asked then. Michael looked at the letter once more. “He loves me.” He said still staring at the piece of paper. “Well, of course he does.” Evelyn laughed softly and hugged him. “Maybe you should call him, and thank him for the gift.” She suggested. Michael looked at her. ”Maybe...” He said quietly, still lost in his own thoughts of the letter. “Alright, I'll go now, to prepare the supper.” Evelyn smiled, and pressed a gentle kiss on his forehead.

After supper they sat in the living room, drinking some wine, and listening to music. Evelyn had the red dress on, that Michael had bought for her earlier. Michael smiled as he looked at his parents, dancing in the middle of the living room floor, looking very much in love, just like some young couple. The look on his fathers face, had been worth seeing, as his wife was coming down the stairs wearing her new, beautiful dress. The man had stood still for several minutes, until he had been able to form the right words to describe his wife; “You look amazing.” He had told her, and kissed her deeply. Michael twiddled the necklace, and finally stood up to find his cell.

"Hello" Sam's soft, and slightly surprised voice answered. “Hi Sam, I called to wish you a merry christmas and... um... to say thanks for your gift.” Michael started. “Merry christmas. Did you like the gift?” Sam asked. “Yes, I`m wearing it right now.” “Good.” Sam`s voice sounded like he would have been smiling. “Did you read the letter?” Sam asked then, with little nervous voice. ”Yes. It was...” Michael tried to find the right words, and his heart tried desperately to make him say the three little words, that he truly felt, but the fear inside him, managed to stop him. “It was a beautiful letter, I...I still need time to think about things. It`s not that simple.” “Why?” Sam asked. ”Because, I can't explain this... please Sam, give me some time to think things over?” “Of course, take your time, I can wait... I`m glad that you called.” Sam told him. “How could I not call, after such a letter?” Michael smiled, closed his eyes, and wished that he could have been next to Sam, instead of just talking with him on the phone. “Well, I have to go now, I`ll talk to you later Sam.” “Alright, later. Hope you you have a nice evening.” “You too, bye now.” "Bye."

“Michael, a call for you!” His mother shouted. “I'm coming!” Michael shouted back, and walked down the stairs, into the kitchen. “Who is it?” He asked, and took the phone receiver, he held his hand so that the caller couldn't hear his question. “I guess it's one of your friend from Paris, didn't catch his name.” Evelyn answered. Michael guessed that it might be Erick.

“Hello.” “Merry christmas Michael.” The voice on the other end replied, the voice, that he did not recognize. “Sorry, who is this?” He asked little insecurely. “Don't you recognize my voice?” The man asked. “Um, I'm sorry, but I don't.” He answered, and glanced at his mother, who looked back at him, with question in her eyes. “Well, I can understand, it's been awhile, so don't you worry your pretty little head with it... So aren't you going to wish me merry christmas back? It would be rude not to.” Michael's heart was starting to bead wildly, he tried desperately to connect the voice with the right face and name, but no matter how much he tried, he still could not recognize it.

“Merry christmas.” He answered finally. ”I knew you would be polite.” “Who are you?” Michael insisted to know. The man laughed to his tightened voice. “You're so cute, when you get upset. You're really sexy, but you already know that, don't you?” Michael was trembling, his hold of the receiver tightened. “Who the fuck are you?” Michael asked again quietly, but firmly at the same time. “Oh, you really want to know, don't you?...Do you know how hot it makes me, to hear the fear in your voice? Mmmh...I'm so hard already, just thinking about you, and all the things you and I could do....” Michael was shaking all over now, the tears fell down on his face. He couldn't move, he couldn't speak. Evelyn took the phone from his hand, and for a second she listened what was being said on the other line. “You sick perverse! I'll call the cops, don't you ever call here again, or it will be the end of you!” Evelyn screamed, her voice trembling from fury. She hung up the phone, and pulled her crying son in to a tight hug.

Henry and the others came into the kitchen, when they had heard Evelyn's shout. “What happened, who were you screaming at?” Henry asked, with clear concern in his voice, as he looked at his wife, and then at his son. “Some nut case called here, and said some things, that...I can't repeat what that man said.” Evelyn sighted. She looked up top her mother-in-law, and for the first time during their visit, Evelyn could see a true concern and love on her features, as she looked at her grandson. Peter, however, had nothing but disgust on his cold face. A crying man, was a weak man. That was what his own father had taught to him, that was what he believed in.

Michael felt dizzy, he felt ill. Everybody were looking at him. ‘stupid whore...’ The voice inside his head whispered: Michael gasped for air, and lift his hands up to his temples. It was hard to breath, the room seemed to sift. The child began to cry somewhere. His mother spoke to him, but he could not understand the words. “I… I have to go.” He was somehow able to say. He left the kitchen, ran upstairs to his room, and locked the door after him. He breathed fast, and leaned his back against the door. He couldn't see clearly, he couldn't get enough air. He walked over to his desk, took his medicine and sat on the floor. He took one pill, and drank some watter, from the bottle beside his bead. He tried to concentrate on breathing, and closed his eyes.

Only then he heard the knocking on his door. “Michael...sweetheart, open the door!” His mother begged with worry. “Michael!” He stood up with slightly shaking legs, and walked over to the door, opening it. The mother looked at her son closely; he looked very pale, and shocked. She wrapped her arms around him, and walked him over to the bed. “I'm sorry mom, I'm so sorry.” The weak voice asked. She held him tighter against her chest, and stroked his hair. “There is nothing that you should say you're sorry for.” She spoke. “I'm so tired...I can't... I'm scared.” Michael cried. The agony and weakness in his voice, made her heart ache. “Shh..I'm here honey, you're safe.” She comforted. “I think I need help mom, I thought that I could handle this on my own, but now I don't think I can.” He finally admitted. She kissed his forehead. “We'll get help for you, and we will be here for you, you're never alone. I love you sweetheart.” “I love you too mom.”

Evelyn was happy that he had finally asked for help, he needed to take that step to heal. But she was also scared for him, things she had heard on the phone, were too awful to even think about.

Michael was quite sure that who ever had called; had something to do with Ricky. Maybe it was one of those men from his past, that he had slept with; most of them he had already forgotten. The faceless men, just haze in his mind, he did not care to remember them. The mind has it's way to block unwanted memory's away, for self protection, that was what had happened with some memory's of his years with Ricky. Michael was afraid of some of these memories, he did not want them back.

Evelyn stayed by his side, until he finally fell a sleep. She walked over to her husband, who stood at the doorway. “How is he doing?” Henry asked. Evelyn closed the door. ”Well, he's pretty shaken up... It was horrible Henry, the things that the man said. I`m scared.” Henry pulled his crying wife into a gentle hug. “I won't let anything happen to him, or to you. We'll inform the police, just in case.” The man said. He felt enormous rage inside. He would do anything to protect his family, anything that would be necessary.

Evelyn sat in the kitchen, she held a warm cup of tea between her hands, and stared outside. Rachel walked in, and sat down, opposite from her. The old woman looked at her, a thoughtful _expression on her face. “What's happened to my grandson? He's obviously not well, and I know, that there's more behind this, then what you have told.” She asked then. Evelyn turned to look at her, a tired look on her face. “You wouldn't understand.” Evelyn said and looked back outside. “Wouldn't I? He's my grandchild, my own flesh and blood. All past put to a side, I do not want to see him hurt, and I want to know the truth.” “I don't think you could handle the truth.” Evelyn said. “I can handle a lot more than people give me credit for.” Rachel assured. Evelyn thought about this. Did she even have the right to talk about something so personal, and painful matter?

She sighted deeply. “I told you earlier, that Michael called us from Paris, but that's not true. It was his boyfriend who called us...” Evelyn started, and looked at her mother-in-law, to see her reaction. She noticed that she slightly tensed, as she heard the word; boyfriend, but she didn't say anything about it. “...He called, because Michael had disappeared, he had been kidnapped... I told you about the shooting? Well, in any case, it happened during his kidnapping, but that wasn't all that happened...” Evelyn had to stop for a second, unsure could she continue. “Tell me, please Evelyn? I need to know.” Rachel asked. “They...the men who had him...they raped him.” Evelyn was finally able to say. She looked at the elder woman, all color had vanished from her face. They were both silent. Rachael was too shocked to say anything, to form words out of her confused thoughts. They sat in silence for a long time.

12.26

Michael sat in front of his desk writing, when he heard a knock on his door. “Come in.” He said, and was surprised, when he saw Rachel. “May I speak with you?” His grandmother asked, and Michael nodded his head carefully. Rachel closed the door after her, and sat on her grandsons bed. Michael was slightly afraid of what she would say. Would she preach to him about God and salvation? Rachel noticed his insecure look. “I know we haven't always gotten along. We're very different you and I... Don't fear, I am not here to preach on you.. You are my grandson and despite all what I have said before, you are dear to me.” The Irish woman spoke. Michael looked surprised, and didn't quite know how to reply.

“I know what you're going through, I know how hard it is.” She spoke with serious tone of voice. “Many, many years ago, when I was just 15-years old, my uncle did a bad thing to me, while my parents were away.” She said. Michael was opening his mouth. “You must know what I mean?” She asked. Michael nodded his head in shock. ”Your own uncle?” He asked, and it was her turn to nod. “I was too afraid, and too a shamed to talk to anyone about it, but in the end my mother found out, and my uncle never got near me again. Those times, the religious environment of my country, it was a big shame. Not even your grandfather knows about this. To this day, he still believes that I was a virgin when we married. I believe that he would never have married me, had he known the truth. Our marriage has never been one out of love. I married a man, who had money enough to take care of me... You are the first person, inyears, who I have told this. I visited the church daily, after that instance. I was afraid, I thought that it had been my fault, and that God would punish me for loosing my virginity outside marriage. I did everything to compensate a sin, that I never wanted to make. I despised myself,I was worried for my soul... What happened then, is what has hardened me so. I wasn't always like this, this cold I mean. I see it now, but it's very difficult to try to change the person you have grown into after so many years... It has taken me several years to understand, that what happened then, is not my fault. The sinner was my uncle, not I.”

Rachel stood up from the bed, and walked over to him. She placed her hands on his shoulders. “It was not your fault, do not feel a shamed for something you had no control of.” Rachel said, and smiled gently to him. Michael was still too stunned to say anything. And then she did something that surprised him even more; she leaned down, and kissed his forehead. “I do love you, I always have.” She said the words, that he had never heard her say before. “I-I love you too grandma.” He heard himself reply. Rachael smiled once more, then she turned , and left the room, leaving the still very surprised young man behind.

Chapter 39.

10.11.1997

Tony sat on the couch, feeling bored. He stared at some football game from the TV, although he wasn't really paying that much attention to it. He was too tired to join to the conversation that his friends were having, it all just seemed so idle and pointless. He found that he missed his best friend, and he wondered what Michael was doing, right at that moment. Nothing felt the same anymore, when Michael wasn't with them. They had always been so close together, where you saw one, you would see the other, but now everything had changed.

The conversation turned to girls, as the evening passed. Tom was bragging about his sexual experiences, which Tony knew, were quite non-existing. There was only that slightly plump sophomore girl, with glasses, who Tom had managed to get in his bed, he had promised her the moon and the stars; lies of course, but the poor girl had believed him, and was now the laughing stock of the whole school.

Tony often wondered why he even spent his time with these morons. That night, he wondered about it even more. The others bragged about their conquests, mentioning names, and telling what they had done with these girls, and were they good enough in bed. “That bitch lay in bed, like a dead fish! The worst fuck ever!” Mark told them, and the others laughed. Tony had a strange urge to slap Mark, and well, he pretty much wanted to slap each and every one of them. He wanted to laugh at how stupid they were, and their non-existing sexual skills. He wished that Michael could be there with him, so that there would be at least one person, who would be capable of intelligent conversation. They would roll their eyes at each other. Michael would taunt them eventually, and that would make them shut up. Tony sighed, and drank his beer, hoping that it would get him drunk quickly. The conversation only became more perverse, the more everybody drank.

“...Jane doesn't even know how to suck cock, the bitch is useless. I should just brake up with that stupid cow... I tried to get some ass from her, but she didn't give any, she doesn't do anything fun. We even have to shut the lights off when we fuck.” Colin was talking about his girlfriend. Tony listened to this with disgust, as the others laughed. No one should talk about his or her girlfriend that way.

“I wonder would Michael Wills give some arse, if someone should ask him.” Sean wondered, and Tony started slightly, when hearing his best friend's name mentioned. “I bet he would, I bet he's just waiting to get fucked by someone. A horny slut he is.” Tom laughed. “Well he does have a great arse, I can tell you that. I think I wouldn't mind giving him a ride, if I was in a really bad heat. I mean if there weren’t any girls around...Just push him against the wall, pants down and stick it in.” Sean continued. The others laughed, and started to wonder whether he would be a good fuck or not. “...I mean only if there weren’t any girls.” Sean remembered to add again, as he was telling his twisted fantasies.


Tony started to get mad, with each passing second. The blood in his veins was boiling, as he heard the way they were talking about his beloved friend. He knew that Sean had his little fantasies about him, long before everyone had found out that Michael was gay. “Shut the fuck up! Or are you all gay's as well, considering the way you so eagerly talk about him!?” Tony shouted finally. The others looked at him, a little scared, knowing his temperament. All except Tom; who grinned at him. “Are you getting a soft spot Tony? Rising to defend your boyfriend’s honor; how sweet.” Tom spoke. Tony grabbed the other boy by his shirt collar, and now Tom was slightly shaking. “You do not know what you're talking about. If I were you Tom, I would keep my mouth shut, if you want to keep your face.” Tony threatened him. “Well fuck Tony, we were just messing around, don't take it too seriously.” Tom laughed nervously, and Tony released his hold on him. He returned to his seat, and looked at everyone so threateningly, that no one dared to continue the topic that they had talked about earlier. The conversation turned back to sports.

*******************

12.30.2003

it was a late evening; Michael was lying on his bed, reading a book. Soon he heard a small thud on his window, then a second, and then a third. He wondered about the source of this strange sound, and rose to sit. When he heard it for the fourth time, he stood up, and walked over by the window. He opened the curtains, just in time to see a small rock, flying against the glass. He started backwards slightly and then looked outside more carefully; He saw Tony, standing there, beneath his window, in a heavy fall of snow. Michael smiled, and opened the window.

“What on earth are you doing out there?” He shouted to his friend, who looked at him and grinned. “Well, I came here to ask, would you like to go for a walk with me, on this fine evening?” Tony shouted back. “Fine evening, do you call it? The weather is terrible, and it's bloody cold out there.” Michael laughed. “Well, don't be such a lady! You didn't used to mind a small fall of snow. To remember correctly; you loved it!” Tony reminded him, smirking. “Well, do you remember Tony, that there are such things as cell phones these days? You could have called, but instead you decide to scratch my window with those rocks!” Michael shouted, still smiling. “Well of course I remember, but it's more fun this way. Just like when we were kids, remember?” “ How could I forget? Alright, I'll come out soon, just wait a sec.” Michael told him, and closed his window.

“I'm going for a walk with Tony.” Michael told his parents, when coming downstairs. “In this weather?” Evelyn asked, in surprise. “Yes.” Michael laughed, and went to dress in his coat. “Alright, but be careful.” Evelyn said, after following her son into the hall. “I will, we will just go for a short walk, nothing to worry about.” Michael said and smiled to his worried mother. “I’ll see you later!” He shouted, while stepping outside.

Tony's clothes were already covered with snow. “Aren't you cold?” Michael asked, coming to him. “Well, a little, but we're not made from sugar, now are we?” They started to walk down the familiar street. “So, you're visiting your parents again?” Michael asked, as they continued walking. “Aye. And my little brother is again driving me to the edge of sanity, so I had to come to find salvation in your company, just like...” “...old times.” Michael finished his sentence, and they smiled to each other.

“Some things never change, like Jamie, and how annoying he is. I can't believe he's already 15-years old. He is such a big whiny, well he has always been so, but now he has started to swear, and talk back to my parents. One time, he ran away from home, and the next day he came home; face covered with bruises. My mom almost had a heart attack when she saw him. He acts so stupid....hm... I wonder, were we as annoying at that age?” Tony turned to look at him. “I think we might have been even worse.” Michael grinned. “Oh speak for yourself Mikey, you were annoying, and I, I was completely charming all the time.” Tony smirked, and lifted his head up proudly. “Of course, you were your mothers own sweetheart back then. You never did anything terrible: never got too drunk, never fought with your parents, never ran away from home, never got in to any fights. No, not you, never you.” Michael teased. “Yes, that's right, I never did anything of the sort.” Tony laughed.

“By the way; where do you live nowadays?” Michael asked. “At the town center of Plymouth.” “And are you seeing anyone?” “No.” Tony answered with a smile. Michael smiled back to him, but soon he had to turn his eyes away from his friend. It felt so odd, and yet so natural to be with Tony; to walk with him, down the familiar streets. It almost felt as though the time would have slowly melted from between them, like they would have been 17 again. But at the same time, they both knew, that nothing was the same anymore, something very big had changed.

They walked over to their old school, to the sports ground. Michael looked at the snow covered scenery, and remembered the countless times he played football on the field. He remembered the sounds, and the feelings. The way the ground had looked at the summer time. He smiled to his memories a little sadly. Tony noticed his sad _expression. “It seems like forever ago. I came here often, looking at the others play... Those kids don't even know how lucky they are.” Tony spoke. Michael looked at him and smiled. “It would be great to be able to move back in time. Even for a one small moment, if I could just fix one thing, then everything would be better now.” Michael said, staring now at the field. “Or if I could change one thing, one moment.” Tony whispered, and they looked at each others. Tony had a serious _expression on his face, and it confused Michael.

“Why did you tell it to everyone Tony?... Then, that night...” Michael noticed himself asking, it had always bothered him. Tony sighed, looked at the ground and then back to him. “Mary found me that night, after you and I had talked, and she asked me what was wrong. I was really confused about everything. I told her, what you had told me, that you kissed me... I know, I know...It was I who kissed you, but...As I said, I was really confused about everything...Tom heard our conversation with Mary, and it was he who told it to the others.” Tony explained. “I always did feel like Tom would have hated me or something, even when we pretended to be friends.” Michael sighed.

“He just envied you, just like many others. Envy of the fact that you could have gotten just about anyone you would have wanted, that so many liked you... I'll always regret it, I should have been stronger. I failed your trust when you needed me the most, and I'll never forgive myself for that.” Tony looked at him closely, his green eyes glimmering in the dark evening. “You can't blame yourself for that Tony. I could have handled things differently myself too.. You remember how I was; always acting too fast, making stupid decisions. I was always too impatient to think about the consequences of my actions. I dug my own grave, and without you, I would have gotten into trouble much sooner. You always protected me.” Michael smiled gently to him.

Tony smiled back, and looked at the warm brown eyes of his friend. He was happy to be near him again, and he wanted to feel Michael even closer to himself. To feel that he really was there. He wrapped his arms around his friend, and pulled him into a gentle hug. “From now on, I'll never fail your trust again. I'm here, always by your side when ever you need me, remember that. I would so much want to be your best friend again.” Tony told him and wondered, would he perhaps want to be something more to him too. “And you are. You're always going to be my best friend, nothing can ever change that.”

“Would you like to come to my place tomorrow evening, to celebrate the new year? I think I'm getting too old or something, I just don't feel up to go outside among the overly drunk people.” Tony laughed and continued. “I would much rather stay at home, but some company would be nice. Or are you perhaps going somewhere?” Tony looked at him with hope. “Well, my plan was to stay at home reading a book and watching some tv, and go to sleep before the midnight, but your offer sounds much more fun. I would love to come.” Michael smiled. “Good, lets get totally waisted, eat something terribly unhealthy and watch some movies. Hm..I'm thinking of some pizza, and some beer and perhaps tequila?” Tony grinned. “And then we`ll have the worst hang over for the first day of the year, sounds good to me.” Michael laughed

Chapter 40.

The new years eve-



December 31st

“Hello Evelyn, I came to pick Michael up.” Tony greeted Evelyn as she opened the front door. “Hi Tony, please come in.” Evelyn smiled. “So what are your plans for this evening?” She asked. “Nothing special really, I think we'll stay at my place for the whole evening.” Tony replied. “Alright, just don't get my son too drunk.” Evelyn asked him, with a smile. “But Mrs. Wills, I would never. I mean...We will behave nicely, drinking some tea and talking about politics, very civilized, just like always.” Tony grinned.

Just then, Michael walked downstairs. ”So, are you ready to leave?” Tony asked. “I am.” He replied, with a smile, and took his coat. “Well, have a nice evening you two! And Tony, I would like my son back tomorrow; in one piece...” Evelyn said smiling; Michael rolled his eyes to his mother. “Of course he’ll be in one piece.” Tony grinned. “Nice evening to you too!” Tony wished, as he opened door. “See you tomorrow then, bye!” Michael said, and followed Tony to his car.

Tony was speeding. “God, now I understand why my mother asked you to return me home in one piece.” Michael commented, as Tony almost drove off the road, for the second time. “Would you mind slowing down?” He asked, and smiled to his friend. “Slow down? Are you serious?” Tony asked with a grin. “Well yes!...I didn't survive from the shooting, just so that you could later kill us both by this crazy driving style of yours.” Michael laughed. “Alright, alright. What Michael wants, Michael gets.” Tony said and kindly slowed down. “Thank you.” Michael said. Tony's words were left to repeat in his mind; ‘What Michael wants Michael gets.’ He sighed deeply to the irony of it, if only it could be so...

They arrived to Tony's place, and Tony let him in first. “Don't expect any luxury, and it might be somewhat messy in there, I did try to clean up a little this morning.” Tony had warned him, before letting him in. Michael undressed his coat, and looked around himself. The furnishing was quite dark with colours, but in looked very cosy to him. ”It's not so messy in here. It's surprisingly clean for your place.” Michael said, when stepping in. Tony noticed that there were some of his clothes on the living room floor, and hurried to clean them up. Why on earth, did he feel so nervous? He felt almost the same like when he brought some girl up to his place for the first time. Tony looked at his friend, who seemed slightly amused by his sudden urge to tidy up. “Tony, honestly, you don't need to clean up on my account.” Michael smiled.

Michael walked around in the living room, looking at the paintings and the pictures on the wall, the bookshelf, Tony's collection of DVDs and videos. “Wow, you have a lot of these.” Michael said. “Titanic?” He grinned. ”It was a good movie, I haven't seen it since the time you and I saw it at the movie theatre.” Michael continued. “Oh, oh! You have Brave Heart! Can we watch it today?” Michael asked with exited voice, he looked at Tony with hope. The look on his face reminded Tony of the little boy, he had once been. “Of course, if you like.” He smiled. Michael placed the DVD back on the shelf, and walked towards the bedroom. Tony wondered in slight panic, had he remembered to clean up from there, and the answer would be; no. “Um, Michael, wait...” Tony tried, but Michael had already stepped inside.

Michael looked at the unmade bed with black satin sheets. “Uuh, sexy sheets Tony, did you have some company here?” Michael looked at him, and grinned. Realizing then that he was teasing Tony, just the way he had when they had been teen-aged. He got slightly confused by the knowledge that he hadn’t lost his former self completely. Tony had a slight blush on his face.

Michael walked further in, looking at the drawings on the wall. “Have you drawn these?” He asked. “Aye.” Tony admitted. “It's good that you haven't given it up. You were always so good at drawing.” Michael smiled. “Could I see more of these?” Michael asked. “Alright...” Tony replied and went to get his sketches. “Here are some, they are pretty old though.” Tony told him.

Michael sat on the bed, to look at them. “This is Jenny, isn't it?” He asked, as he stopped to look at the picture more closely. The girl in it, was sitting on the bed, dressed only in a large t-shirt, her hair was a little bit messy, like just woken up. Tony came to look at it closer. “Um, yes it is...” Michael raised a questioning eyebrow. “Well, you see, I dated her when we were 18, it lasted six months.” Tony told him. “Oh? so you and Jenny?” Michael said and started to laugh slightly.

“What are you laughing about, is there something funny?” Tony asked confused. “No... I mean yes, just a little... The only girl, I ever...um...went a little further with, is Jenny, and then you dated her...” Michael started to explain. “Oh, just forget it.” He said then shaking his head. “So how far did you go with Jenny? You never told me back then. I remember when ever I tried to ask your reply always was; ‘Tony, a gentleman never tells. ” Tony asked with curiosity. “Oh, well, touching under clothes, touching, um, private parts. I always told her, that we should slow things down, that I didn't want to rush things. I just never could take it to that level, no matter how much I tried to want her. One time she guided my hand under her panties, and I had a hard time not to laugh, you can imagine what would have come out of it, had we tried...well, you know?” Michael looked at him, smiling little shyly, and then looked back at the picture. “Jenny is beautiful though, she has always been so.” “Yes, and hopelessly in love with you.” Tony commented. Michael lifted his gaze up, and looked at him in confusion. “In love with me? Yes, back when we were in teen-age.” Michael said. “No, I think she is still. And I think that the only reason, she started to date me back then, was because I had been your best friend, and we both missed you. It was a pretty messed up relationship, when we both...” Tony started, but as he realized, what he had almost said out loud, he stopped. “You both what?” “Oh, nothing, just forget it. It just didn't work out with her. We're still friends though, that's all.”

“Would you like a beer?” Tony asked, when they came into the kitchen. “Thank you, I would love one.” Michael answered. He looked around himself, walked over by the window, and looked outside. “The weather is even worse, than what it was yesterday, I hate wet snow.” Michael said. Tony walked behind him and handed him the beer. “Me too, but the sea air, what else can you expect?” Tony said. “Hey, why the fuck are we talking about weather?” Tony laughed then. Michael looked at him, and then laughed too. “I have no idea, lets watch the movie now?” Michael suggested. “Alright, lets do that.” Tony smiled.

They sat on the couch, Michael looked at the movie with concentrated _expression on his face. As Tony's gaze, and thoughts were centred to him. They were both drinking. “It's funny how much old feelings and thoughts, one movie can wake from you. I remember exactly how I felt when I saw this for the first time.” Michael said, after a long moment of silence. “Mmmh.” Tony was only able to reply, when looking at him. Tony noticed how much he wanted to pull the other one close, just hold him in his arms and... Tony shook his head. “I'll make a drink for myself, you want one?” He asked. Michael muttered something that sounded like a yes, as his attention was back on the screen.

“I wonder, do you perhaps have some Mel Gibson fantasy? Considering the way you look at this movie.“ Tony laughed, when he returned with the drinks. Michael blushed slightly, and Tony couldn't remember ever seeing him blushing before. “Well no!” Michael laughed. ”I mean this is just my favourite movie, and Mel is okay, but I don't have any...um... fantasies about him.” Michael grinned, and took his drink. Tony sat back down next to him, a little closer than before.


“Do you think that we should perhaps talk about what happened all those years ago? The time when you told me that...” Tony started little insecurely, as the movie had ended. Michael turned to look at him, waiting for him to finish. “I mean what happened between us back then, before you left.” Michael placed his glass on the near by table, and pulled his knees close to his chest. “It might be good...” Michael said, after being quiet for a while. “I... I should have told you differently, I had just thought about it for so long, loved you for so long and then... I could have told it more carefully...” Michael continued, not really sure what he should say. Tony moved closer to him. “I could have not kissed you back then.” He started. Michael looked at him carefully, the beating of his heart escalated, as Tony lift his hand up to touch his cheek. “I could have... But if I am honest, you were right back then; I wanted it, just as much...Oh gods Michael, that kiss, it was forever ago, and I still haven't been able to forget it.”

Michael was too stunned to say a word, so Tony continued. “I don't even know when it started; when I started to look at you differently, and I just didn't want to admit it to myself. You have been my friend for so long, I mean we have lain on the same nursery table, where our diapers have been changed. So yes, it was freaking confusing to start feeling something um, sexual towards you.” Tony laughed, and Michael laughed now too. “Well it's a bit twisted I guess, when you put it like that.” He admitted. “There were times when you were like a brother to me, and then we kissed, and I realized; that you are not my brother, that you are you; my friend and...and so amazingly beautiful, and just amazing in every way... So I'm not totally straight, I think I swing to both ways... So there, this is the truth.” Tony took a deep breath, and then looked at the eyes of his friend, waiting for some kind of reaction. He then decided, that he couldn't wait any longer, and pulled his friend as close to himself as he could, he kissed his lips eagerly, his hands trying to feel his body as much as they could.

Michael felt the tightening grasp around himself, he didn't know how exactly, he ended up lying on his back, underneath the stronger body. He felt panic gathering inside, he couldn't move, couldn't get free. “Don't!” He cried out, and struggled himself free. He stood up quickly.

Tony rose too, and looked at his friend with confusion. Michael looked like a frightened dear caught in the headlights. He tried to approach him. “Michael what is it?” He asked calmly, and reached out to touch his shoulder. Michael took few steps back. “Don't come any closer! Do not touch me!” He cried, and looked even more frightened. He had an odd look in his eyes, it was as if he wouldn't have understood where he really was anymore. “Michael...what is it? It's me; Tony. Don't be scared.” He spoke, not really knowing what he should do. “Everything is alright, I won't touch you, if you do not want me to. I won't hurt you, okay? Everything is alright.” He continued, approaching the other, who had now buried his face into his hands, and was crying. Tony thought that it would be all right now, to touch him. He placed his hand on his shoulder, and touched his chin gently. Michael looked at him feeling a shamed. “I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me...” He muttered, and let Tony hold him.

Tony held him close for a long time. “What's happened to you?” He asked finally, when Michael had calmed down a bit. Michael swallowed hard, glanced at him, and then at his hands, like there would have been something really interesting about them. “Please tell me, talk to me.” Tony asked, with restful voice. He stroked his friend’s shoulder, and then guided him back to sit on the couch. He himself sat down on the armchair, next to the couch.

“It's too disgusting, too horrible....” Michael tried, and was still staring at his hands. “You know you can tell me, what ever it is.” Michael looked at him, his eyes glimmering with tears. “I don't know where to start...” “How about from the beginning?” Tony suggested, and tried to smile encouragingly.

“So much has happened... That man I left with back then; Ricky...” Michael started, trying to think the best way to tell it. He was afraid, that once he would have told everything, Tony would look at him, with disgust. “Go on.” Tony encouraged. “It was so afoul Tony, that time...Almost four years with him. Still, if I look back that time; it feels so unreal, so hazy and... There's weeks and months during those years, that I have no recollection of, what so ever. I think it's for the best though, not to remember, and I wish I could forget those years all together.” Michael said, shaking his head, Tony looked at him, in confusion. “I was a whore Tony, he made a whore out of me!” He cried out, and laughed darkly. “What? Did you say? Do you mean...?” Tony asked in disbelieve. “It is true, as crazy as it sounds. It sounds weird to my own ears too, but still a truth it is, and that's not even all of it.”

Michael looked at him, slightly nervous, before he continued. “I thought, that I would be dammed in to living that life forever, but then I met Jean, a French man, who 'saved' me from it.” Michael laughed dryly again. “We moved to Paris. Jean knew, what I had been. He assaulted me several times, saying that I was flirting too much, and constantly planning to cheat on him... Almost a year and a half ago, I met Sam.” Michael smiled weakly, when mentioning his name. “Gods, I don't even know how long that distortion of a relationship with Jean, would have continued, had there not been Sam. We fell in love, we were friends. I was afraid to admit my true feelings to him, because of Jean. On my birthday, Jean found out that there was something more between Sam and I, then just friendship. We fought, I tried to leave, but it was too late, he...Jean, and his friend, they...they raped me that night.” Michael told him, and Tony gasped in shock. “They did what?!” “You heard right...But even that wasn't all... I moved to live with Sam, and those four short moths spent with him, were the happiest times of my life, despite all the past pain. How stupid I was to think that it could last, that I could actually be given some happiness... I think I must have been something really afoul in my past life, to be punished so cruelly now... It turned out that Jean and Ricky had shared a past together, and Jean couldn't handle my breaking up with him. He told Ricky where I was, and they kidnapped me in October, with four other men...They held me there, against my will, for five days, they raped me. In all that has ever happened to me, that was surely the worst...When I finally was able to I ran from there, helped by Jean, Ricky shot me...So here, my whole pathetic story. My life is just such a big joke, you see?” Michael said darkly, not able to look at Tony. He wondered how he had been able to tell it all so quickly. He felt a shamed, and at the same time he felt like he could just laugh. It all just sounded so ridiculous, when you said it out loud.

Suddenly, he felt Tony's gentle arms around himself, pulling him into a gentle hug. “Oh, my God...I'm so sorry Michael...I was always scared for you...who could do something like that to you? To hurt you like that.” Tony looked at him. His eyes had the same fire, that had been there for all those times, that Tony had ran to his rescue when they had been younger. “Who were these people?! I'll kill them, I swear.” Tony shouted then, rising up, passing back and forth: clearly wanting to beat these men up badly. “Join the line Tony. My father, Sam, they swear the same...Those men are in prison or now. All except Jean and his friend, they haven't been able to catch them yet.” Michael said quietly. Feeling silent relief, that Tony did not look at him with disgust, only with the want to protect him, nothing had changed that.

“This boyfriend of yours; Sam...You said that you broke up with him?” Tony asked, looking at him. “Yes...” Was the weak reply. “Why? You said that you loved each other? Did he leave you? What happened?” Tony came closer, and knelled down in front of him. ”I left him...” Michael answered quietly. Tony's eyes seemed to dig deep into his soul, like seeing everything in him. “Why? Tell me, do you not love him anymore?” Tony asked, and a part of him hoped that his answer would be yes, but he didn't have to hear his answer to know what it would be. He saw the truth in his eyes, when he had spoken his name. Michael had tears in the corners of his eyes. “I do love him...I love him with all that I am.” He admitted. Tony took his hands in his. He sighted deeply. “Then why are you not with him? I want the truth, you have told it so far, now tell me the rest of it.” Tony insisted. And Michael had never been able to hide things from him, not when there was that look in his eyes, not when he spoke with that tone of voice.

“Jean...I fear that Jean would kill Sam. He is not safe, if he is with me.” Michael told him, for the first time saying it out loud to someone. “Has this Jean threatened you?” Tony asked. “He sent a letter to me... He wants a revenge, because I lied to him.” Michael said. “Have you told to the police about this letter?” Tony asked, and Michael shook his head. “Well, tomorrow you're going to do it, I'll drive you to the station myself. You still have that letter, do you?” Michael nodded. “And I think you should tell Sam the truth, doesn't he deserve to know? If...if I were your lover, I would want to know the truth. Do not make decisions for him, let him do it himself. If he loves you, he will stand by you.” Tony said, and smiled sadly. It was the hardest thing for him to say, when he did love his friend, when he had hoped to be with him. But life is not fair that way, and sometimes you have to let go of someone you love, if you really do love them.

“And Michael...I do love you, the way you once said you loved me. But sadly, I feel that I'm too late to tell you this.” Michael looked at him with surprise. He squeezed his hands in his little tighter. Tony's green eyes were shining as bright as they always had. And Michael remembered, it all returned clearly to him; how many nights had he dreamed of him, how familiar his face was to him, the touch of his hands, and the sound of his voice. Tony was his first love, and it would never change. The old feelings were returned so clearly, so powerfully. New tears rise to his eyes. For that small moment, the time between them, vanished. He leaned forward, his lips finding his, his hands, touching his face. They kissed, longing, with love, for the one last time. “I do love you Tony, I will never stop loving you.” Michael whispered, and then continued. “But so much has changed, and Sam...” Tony cut him off. ”Sam is your present...And I had my chance... But, as you said, we'll always be friends, right?” Tony smiled.

***********

“Um...Could I ask a small favour from you Tony?” Michael asked slightly nervous, and took few big gulps of his beer. “Of course, what kind of favour?” “Well...I wouldn't dare to ask this from anyone else, but I trust you like I would trust my own brother...and... this is quite embarrassing, but...” Michael hesitated, and drank some more. “Tell me...anything at all.” Tony urged him, and smiled gently to him. “There's a scar on my lower back, that I want to get rid of.” Michael said quickly. “A scar? What kind of scar?” “He marked me...his initials...Ricky's initials.” Michael whispered with shame. Tony looked at him with surprise, then his _expression became more serious. “I would so much want to help you, but... I can't make scars disappear.” “I know, that it can't be removed completely, but it can be replaced with a new one.” Michael said, and looked at him with hope. “What do you want me to do?” Tony asked, hoping, that it wouldn't be what he thought it would. Michael stood up, went into the kitchen, and soon returned with a knife on his hand. “Help me Tony..Fix it, I want it gone, I do not want to carry those letters on my skin, and I can't do this on my own.” Michael begged, and handed him the knife, which the other took, slightly hesitating.

“Michael...” Tony started, looking at the knife in his hand, and then at his friend with slight horror. “I'll show it to you.” Michael said, opened his belt, and the buttons of his jeans. He lay on the couch, leaning slightly against the armrest, he lowered his jeans, and boxers so that the scar came to view. “Please Tony?” Michael asked, and Tony looked at the scar, on his lower back, just above the curve of his buttocks. “I can't...I don't want to hurt you.” Tony said, when realizing just what it was that he would need to do. “Tony please? Would you like to carry a scar for the rest of your live, made by a person, who you hate and fear the most in this world?” Michael had turned his face to look at him, he had that look in his eyes; that puppy dog look, which Tony had never been able to resist. “I don't know what to do?” Tony said then. “Anything at all; just slash some lines over it, anything at all to make it something else.” ”But, I just hate the idea of hurting you.” Tony said. “Trust me Tony, I've suffered a much greater pain in my life, and it will hurt me more if I have to continue living with that scar. If I only could, I would do this myself, but...” Michael looked at him, and finally Tony nodded his head. “Alright, alright...Just wait a sec.” Tony said, stood up, and walked into the kitchen. He disinfected the knife carefully, and shook his head while doing this. ‘I can't believe, that I agreed to this.’ He thought, but at the same time he understood perfectly why Michael wanted him to do this. If he had been in his situation, he would probably have asked the same.

“Alright there; drink some more.” Tony said, and handed him the whiskey bottle. Michael hated whiskey, and grinned to the taste of it, but it would help him to feel less pain. Tony sat behind him on the couch. He sighed deeply as he looked at the scar, and then at the knife in his hand. He placed his left hand on his skin, and the knife held on his right was placed over the scar. “Are you ready?” He asked. “Yes.” Michael assured, slightly nervous, and tried to calm down his breathing. Tony pressed the blade on his skin, and cut through it. He felt ill, when feeling how the blade was plunged into the skin, and then he saw the blood dripping out. Michael bite his teeth's together tightly, trying hard to make no sound out of pain, he didn't want to scare Tony. The blade plunged in for the second time, it was a more fast slash than the previous, fast was better, they both found out. Tony had to be careful; not to cut it to deep, and not too light. This scar would have to cover the previous one and a mere superficial scratch, wouldn't be enough.

When he had done what was necessary he cleaned the wound, and tried to staunch the blood leaking with a towel. He had to press it against the wound, quite a long time. Finally he covered it with a large band-aid. “Are you alright?” He asked. “I-I am, thanks Tony.” Michael rose and buttoned his jeans, and fastened his belt. He felt slightly dizzy, but was happy that the scar had now been changed. “Luckily it wasn't that big.” Tony said, with a comforting smile. “Yes.” Michael replied, with a weak smile.

They talked late in to the night, and finally Michael fell a sleep on his bed. Tony covered him up with a blanket, and sat by his side. He looked at him closely; as he slept there, looking so peaceful and beautiful, like an angel. Tony thought. He had always had the urge to protect him, even when they were little. How many nights, had they spent sleeping in the same room as children's? There were many. Usually always spending the summers together, either in Ireland with Michael's grandparents, or in Scotland with his. He remembered how his friend had been scared of the dark as a child, and so he had often slept next to him, holding his friend’s hand in his, making him feel safe. It had been so much simpler back then, when they had been children. Then came the teen-age, and suddenly it didn't feel right to sleep so close to the other, like there would have been something wrong in that. But oh, how he had missed the warmness of his body next to him.


There had always been something in his friend that gave him the feeling that he should be protected. Something in Michael lured trouble towards him. Tony had not always understood what it was, but later he had. It was the way he looked like, there was something so tempting and rare about him. There were people who were jealous of him, and people who wanted him: And Michael had often played with the fire, annoying people even more with the way he was acting, and lured them by flirting, in a way, that Tony believed, the other boy had no awareness of doing.

Michael had never seen the danger himself, not the way Tony had. It had only been a game to him, something fun and exciting, testing his own limits. Only once had Tony let his guard down, that fall, and he would always regret it. But from now on, he would do what ever it took to protect his friend, who at that moment, needed all the help he could get. Tony pondered about everything that they had talked about that evening. Michael had talked about Sam a lot, but had refused to call him, when Tony had tried to make him do so. He guessed that Michael was still too afraid, and he could be so stubborn about these things.

Tony sighed deeply. He wanted Michael to be happy, Lord knew he would deserve to be so. So if Michael really loved this other man, he should be with him. And if this Sam person really loved his friend as much? Tony decided that he would have to take the matter into his own hands, other wise, it could take ages before he could convince Michael to call him. He searched his friends cell phone, and scanned through the numbers on it. He soon found what he was looking for, and wrote the number down. He would call Sam later, Michael needed him, he was sure of it.

Chapter 41.

The man kissed his neck, his hands opening the buttons of his shirt. The shirt was pulled off; lips found his nipple, a tongue played with them. The man was moaning, hands moving on his skin, searching, and feeling. His hands felt so rough on his soft skin. Sam stared at the odd oil painting, which was on the wall opposite from the bed. It was ugly, he thought, and bended his head over to the side, to look at it from a different angle. He wondered what exactly it was suppose to present. He had never been able to understand the thing in modern art; he liked the more normal fashioned pictures that actually described something understandable.

“Fuck, you’re so gorgeous.” The man whispered in French. He was now undressing his pants. Sam shook his head, trying desperately to concentrate on why he was here now, in this apartment full of bad art. The man with sand colored hair had his cock in his mouth now. His rough hands felt the muscles of his stomach. Sam blinked his eyes; he looked down at the man's head, which was moving back and forth. The man made some very odd noises while sucking him. Sam lay on his back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. He tried to remember the man's name. He was quite sure that it had started with the letter A, Andre perhaps? He wondered, but couldn’t be sure of it.

Sam wondered why on earth had he even left with this man. How was it exactly, that he had ended up, lying naked on this bed? The answer was really quite simple; alcohol, new years eve, Michael hadn’t called him after Christmas, depression, heart ache, a stupid party, with lots of stupid, new years eve depressed people, looking for some sort of consolation. He had drank too much, he had danced, and then he had met this man whose first name started with an A, but on the other hand, it might start with an O? He had drunk some more and left with him, ignoring Kitty’s sermon. And where was Kitty now? Had she stayed at the party? Sam wondered. And what was the time now? What was Michael doing, would he be sleeping already? A, which Sam had named the man, climbed on top of him, and tried to kiss his lips. Sam turned his head, so that he met with his cheek instead. Sam rolled the other man under him; there was no way in hell that he would bottom for some stranger.

He felt so depressed. Maybe sex would help? He wondered, and started to kiss the man's chest. His chest was quite hairy, he found that he didn’t like this fact, the hairs got stick to his mouth, and he would have wanted to just spit them out. Michael didn’t have hairs, his chest was smooth, and his body and his skin such, perfect ness. Sam stroked the man's organ with his hand. He realized then that he would in fact need a condom. The man had apparently realized this too, because next he gave him one.

Sam wrapped it around his cock; he stared into the face of this stranger. There was a lustful gaze the man was waiting eagerly. A was about thirty year old French man, with muddy brown eyes, sand blond hair, and hairy chest, well at least it was hairier than what Sam was used to. The man gave him the lube and Sam rubbed it on his opening preparing him, acting more like some kind of robot than himself.

Slowly he started to thrust in, and the man was moaning under him. The man made such strange noises of pleasure. Sam thought. A ran his hands on his body, feeling him. ‘Michael did this differently.’ Sam thought, and remembered the softness of Michael’s hands, the way he had touched him. He remembered how Michael had looked up to him, the way he had smiled. The movements of his hips, the sounds he made, the soft, perfect lips whispering the words; ‘I love you’ when they made love. It had been beautiful, everything about Michael, everything about them when they made love. This felt so utterly wrong, so dirty. Sam was starting more and more to regret this. The man under him seemed however to enjoy himself, so apparently he did something right. He moved inside him, stroked his cock with his hand, trying to enjoy this too. He closed his eyes, and started to remember all those times with Michael. It had really been making love, this, here and now, was only sex, without any kind of emotion. He tried not to hear his moans, his sounds. He only wanted to remember the past, the love of his life. The sweat on the other’s body clutched on to his, he sped up his thrusts. Firmly keeping the image of Michael in his mind, and finally, he came.

Sam collected his clothes from the floor and got dressed. “You’re leaving already? Stay, stay for the night?” 'A' asked and looked at him. “Yes, I’m tired and I want to go home.” Sam replied and walked towards the bedroom door. “You’re not even giving me your number?” The man asked with confusion. “Listen I’m sorry, but I’m still not interested in having a relationship, I thought I told you this already? We agreed on having sex, nothing more.” Sam said, knowing that he might sound a bit harsh. He turned and opened the door. A pillow hit him on the back. “Whore!” The man shouted. Sam sighted with boredom, and not looking back, he left.

1.10.2004

Sam lay on the bed, and stared at the ceiling. He knew that he should do something; go out, meet friends, but everything seemed so hard. He hadn't even done much housework, since Michael had left, and it showed. The whole place was a mess. Dirty clothes on the bedroom floor, teacups, water glasses, empty boxes from Chinese take out. In the kitchen a big pile of dirty dishes were waiting for him. In the fridge, all that was left was some molded cheese, a milk can that had already passed it's better days, a butter case that had not much left inside, and two small, grey and round things, that had once actually been tomato's. There was a dry, and hard piece of French bread on the kitchen counter. He knew that he should just throw everything away, but he just didn't feel like it. He knew that he should clean up, but he didn't feel like that either. His time was consumed in self-pity in a dirty apartment; it gave him some kind of sick satisfaction.

Kitty had stopped by the other day, and nearly had herself a heart attack when she had seen the way his place looked like. She had almost taken out the cleaning accessory from the closet, to start the cleaning herself, but finally Sam had lost his nerve and threw her out. Sam could admit that the apartment didn't perhaps have the nicest smell in it right now, but he himself had come used to it already.

His beard was un-shaved, and his hair was a mess. He felt very masculine at the moment. Kitty had suggested that he go meet a doctor, she said that he was acting ridiculous, and that if he so much wanted Michael back, then this really wasn't helping at all. She was right, and he did know that. He would get himself up and going eventually, this depression and self-pity would pass by sooner or later, they always had.

The world was unfair and full of shit. Everybody knew that, he knew it too well. Michael knew it even better. Sam would have wanted to find Jean and Patrick. He thought, that if he were to meet with them, he would be ready to commit a murder, or two in fact. He started listing the most painful ways to kill them in his mind. He also wanted to get back at Ricky, the time in jail, just didn't seem enough of a punishment for a monster like him. The right thing would be to make him suffer all the same pain that he had caused to his victims. He cursed the world and the ridiculous legal system. 15-years of prison, to a man that had ruined the lives of many young men, who had probably killed some? He had never been the one to support the capital punishment, but his mind had now been changed. There were some people, that simply didn't deserve to live, and one Richard Matthews, was definitely one of those people.

His cell began to ring, and at first, he thought that he would just ignore it. He turned to lie over to his side, smiling when the ringing stopped. But soon enough it rang again. Sam snarled with irritation, and stood up to find the phone. He didn't recognize the number, so he pressed the silent button. When the phone rang for the third time, he thought, that someone really wanted to talk with him, and he decided to answer. “Hello.” He answered with rude voice. He ran his fingers through his hair, and rested his arms on his knees.

“Hello... This Tony McDonnell speaking, I um...” The man with slight Scottish accent in his voice started. “Just spill it out. I don't have all day. If you're selling something, then the answer is no.” Sam snorted. He wanted to go back into pitying himself. “I'm not selling anything.” The other man snorted back, sounding little bit irritated, he mumbled something that Sam couldn't understand a word from. Sam thought about just hanging up on him. “Sorry, didn't quite catch that?” He then decided to ask, as rudely as he could though. He thought that this man was just some impertinent statistician, who had his first day at work.

“I'm a friend of Michael's. I'm not selling anything, I'm just calling in behalf of my friend.” The man continued with the same irritated voice. Sam became alert as soon as he heard Michael's name being mentioned. “What? Michael? What about him? Is he alright?” His voice had softened. “I think you should come to meet him, he told me the whole story and... Look, I just think, that you should come here. There is one thing that he didn't tell you, but he told me and I think you should know it too. I would like to meet with you in person, talk to you face to face.”

Sam understood now, that he was talking with the man that had been Michael's best friend, and first love. “How is he?” Sam asked, with slight worry in his voice. “Well he's... What can you expect? He tries his best to cope, and move on with his life, but he is pretty depressed, although he tries to hide it from the others.” Tony sighted, sounding a bit tired. “I have to arrange some things here, my work stuff and other things, but I'll be there. I'll call you back, as soon as I can get things fixed, alright?”

Sam finished the call, he called Kitty, and then at his work. He looked around himself, and decided that it would be time to start cleaning up. At first, he would take a shower and shave the ridiculous beard away.

1.26.2004

Sam walked into the small cafe, and looked around. He saw a tall young man, who had light brown hair, green eyes, and few freckles on the midsection of his face, sitting in front of a window table. The other man looked straight at him, with question on his face. Sam neared the table. “Tony McDonnell?” He asked when reaching the table. The young man nodded and smiled a little. “Hi, I'm Samuel Grey.” They shook hands, and Sam sat down, opposite from him.

Tony looked at him closely; he had looked at him from the minute that he had stepped in. The blond man was really handsome, and suddenly Tony became very aware of his freckles, that he himself had never liked having. The girls would say that he looked cute, no doubt, that it was just because of the freckles. He didn't want to be cute; he wanted to be handsome and dangerous looking. He had visited the gym a lot, to get more reactions of his liking, and not so much the 'cute' comments from women's. But still he got them, there seemed to be no escape. He rubbed his nose with his thumb, without realizing.

The waitress brought them the teas that they had ordered. “So what is that you wanted to talk to me about?” Sam asked. Tony tasted his tea, and placed the cup back on the table. “He's afraid. He told me about that Jean character. Michael got a letter from him, in which he threatened your life, and Michael. He let me read the letter. I have tried to talk to him, to make him call you and tell this himself, but he's just so afraid. Michael does love you though.” Tony said and drank more of his tea. “Oh, now I understand everything... Dam nit, I hate that man so much! If anyone is going to be killed, then it's him, not I, not Michael.” Sam snorted.

Tony leaned backwards on his chair, and rested his hands on the table. “So what are you going to do now?” He asked. “Go to him, talk with him, stay by his side.” Sam answered straight away, and continued. “Jean has obviously lost it completely, and as long as he stays free, Michael needs protection. I'm more worried for him, then for myself. After all, it's him what Jean wants and.. I must say that I'm really worried, if that fucking bastard ever gets near him again then I'll...” Sam stared at his teacup with anger on his blue eyes.


Tony looked at him carefully, so this man really did care for his friend. He would be ready to defend him, perhaps even with his own life, that was good. At the same time, he knew that his own chances were gone now. If Sam had turned out to be a coward, then he could have been the man on Michael's side, to finally be more to him, than just his friend, but Sam was not a coward, nor was he an idiot. “If you ever hurt him, if you ever brake his heart, or do anything to harm him, then I swear that you'll be hearing from me. I will let no harm come to him, understand this.” Tony threatened, just in case. “I would never harm him. I love him, and I promise to treat him with nothing but love. It’s good that he has a friend like you though.” Sam smiled. “So we both protect him” Tony said then, and smiled back to the blond man, who nodded his head in agreement

Chapter 42.

Henry Wills stood in front of the dark block building, waiting for his son's therapy lesson to end. He lighted his pipe, and looked at the scenery in front. He had thought that the best thing was to wait right near the entrance. Had he stayed waiting by the car, at the parking lot, he could have missed seeing his son coming out, and well, what if that French man would be lurking some where near? You could never know for sure. He worried for his son, and he wouldn't stop worrying until the police would find those men.

Michael had shown them the letter, that the man had send him. Henry was quite sure that it was Tony who had made him do that, and to open up to them more. Henry had been furious beyond words after reading it; how dared he? If that man would get his dirty hands on his son ever again, then... Henry stopped to think, he just couldn't let that happen. He worried for his wife as well, he worried for the both of them, and he always hated to leave them by themselves, when he had to go to work.

He remembered back the time, the time he had first met his wife. He had been Michael's age at the time, a young man, who had just moved from Ireland to England, after a job. Evelyn had been 19-years old. He remembered that he had first seen the girl, at a coffee house, sitting with her friends. He had never seen anything as beautiful as she was. Her laugh had been bright, her dark hair had been lifted up, into a beautiful chignon. Her brown eyes; full of joy, so bright and friendly. He remembered how she had walked past his table and smiled to him. His heart had almost stopped from beating. “Well that one sure was hot, wouldn't mind giving her a spin.” A co-worker of his, had said next to him. “Beautiful.” Was all that Henry could reply.

After that he had visited the same coffee house daily, always hoping to meet with her, and a couple of times he had seen her there. Evelyn had always looked back at him, and smiled with that shy, gentle way of hers. Henry had tried to build up the nerve to go talk to her, but it just seemed that she was always surrounded by her friends. And Henry had thought, that there was nothing quite as intimidating as large group of giggling girls. Plus there was the fact that Henry sure was not the only one to have noticed her.


Then one day he had gone to the library, and there she had been. The girl had carried a big pile of books in her petite hands. Henry had then remembered that she always had lots of books with her. ‘So beautiful, and so smart.’ He had thought then and he thought that same thing now of his wife.

Evelyn had crawled, and dropped her books on the floor, when she had seen him. Henry had rushed over to help her. “Let me give you a hand.” He had said, when kneeling onto the floor, to cather the books.Their hands had touched. The girl had looked at him, smiled, and blushed slightly. “Thank you.” She had said, and it was almost like she would never have truly understood ,how beautiful she really was. He had asked her out with him, and she had agreed. A year later they had married and a year after that Michael had born. Every day he had marveled on his good fortune, that had given him the most beautiful woman on earth and blessed them with a beautiful, intelligent son. But at some point, the luck had turned it's back on them.

Michael opened the door and looked at his father, who leaned against the wall, smoking his pipe. He smiled when looking at him, it was somehow so sweet seeing him there; always waiting for him when he came from his therapy. Although it was a very rare thing for his father to say out loud that he loved him, things like this, the fact that he waited for him out in the cold January evening, was more than enough to tell him that his father did indeed love him.

“Hey.” He said, as he approached him,getting his attention. “Oh, finished already? I was just getting some fresh air over here and, um...well smoking my pipe, now that your mother isn't here to see.” Henry smiled and put the pipe down. He didn't know who was it that he tried to cheat, Michael must have know why he really stood there, instead by the car.

They arrived to the car and headed back home. “So, how did it go?” Henry asked looking at the road ahead. “It went okay. She said that only few more sessions to make a straight man out of me, so the next step is to find that decent girl, get married, have bunch of screaming children, grow myself a nice beer-belly and start loosing my hair.” Michael joked, looked at his father and grinned. Henry smiled. “You’re never going to let me forget that, are you?” He asked and smiled with an embarrassed manner. “I'm just kidding around dad.” Michael said and smiled to him. “it's alright, it was very stupid of me back then, I deserved that.” Henry told him.

They sat in silent, Michael leaned his head against the window glass. He felt tired, although it was only nearing eight o’clock in the evening. He glanced over at his father, who had a concentrated expression on his face while driving. His father was only two years older than Ricky, he realized, and instantly he felt ill, that always happened when he thought about Ricky. He couldn't understand anymore what was it exactly, that he had thought at the age of 17, when leaving with him. The man could have been his own father, he was older than his own mother for God's sake! He had to stop thinking about him, before he would feel even more ill.

**************

Evelyn offered a tea cup to Sam, which the young man took. They sat down into the living room. Sam had arrived an hour earlier. He had told about his meeting with Tony and told her that he wished to see Michael now. Evelyn was happy to see Sam there. Maybe he could make her son feel better? She could see that Michael was depressed, although he tried really hard. The recovery would take it's time, and all the possible help would surely come to use.

They heard the front door opening. “We're home!” Henry called from the hallway. Evelyn and Sam stood up. Henry came first into the living room, he looked at Sam, looking slightly surprised. “Well, isn't this a surprise.” He said then. “It's nice to see you.” He added quickly. Michael followed his father into the room. He had been just about to say something when he spotted Sam. Michael looked at him, surprised, his lips slightly parted. “What are you doing here?” Michael spluttered out loud, in confusion. “Hi, nice to see you too.” Sam grinned. “I want to talk with you, you haven't called and...” Sam started, he looked at Evelyn who looked at them both with interest. Sam turned to look back at Michael ”Can we go for a walk or something?” He suggested then. Michael looked at his mother, who smiled to him encouragingly and then at his father, who still seemed as surprised as he was. “Um, I guess it's alright.” He replied and started to walk back into the hall, followed by Sam.

They walked in silent, Michael was avoiding his gaze, keeping his hands in his pockets. “How have you been doing?”” Sam asked, braking the silent between them. “Well I...I've been fine.” Michael answered and looked at him. “I've started going in therapy sessions, and at least they haven't given me the insane papers yet.” Michael grinned slightly. “How have you been Sam? Has everything been alright?” He asked then. “I've been doing okay, but I've missed you...” Sam said quietly, looking at him and then stopping him gently on the side of the near by park. “Jean send you a letter, why didn't you tell me?” Sam asked with soft voice. Michael looked at the ground. “Who told you?” He asked. “I talked with Tony today, he called me a few weeks back and I arrived to London this morning.” Sam explained and lifted Michael's chin up gently, so that their eyes met. “Michael, I love you so God damn much. It's sweet that you're trying to protect me from that bastard, but braking us apart is not they way to do that. I'll be fine, what I don't know is, would I be fine if I had to go on another day without you. I know what I'm up against if I am to meet with him, and darling, trust when I say this; it would be his behind that would suffer from it, not mine.” Sam told him. Michael felt the tears in his eyes, he tried not to cry, he hated the fact that he seemed to burst into tears in every five seconds, but he just couldn't help it. Sam pulled him into a gentle hug, and stroked his hair.

“I do love you Sam, I'm sorry that I didn't tell you, I thought that...” He spluttered. “Shh...It`s okay now. So you'll take me back?” Sam asked carefully, Michael nodded his head. “I never wanted to brake up.” He whispered, and Sam smiled to him warmly, looking at him more carefully. “You've shorten your hair.” He whispered, playing with them with his fingers. Michael nodded. “I was beginning to look like a girl.” He laughed quietly. Sam smiled. “You look good, smell good.” Sam whispered holding him close. He kissed Michael's lips carefully, observing his reaction. Michael realized then, just how much he had missed his lover and answered to the kiss. He parted his lips, pressed Sam's neck ever so gently to deepen the kiss. “It's pretty cold here, lets go back inside?” Michael asked. “Alright.” Sam smiled and took his hand in his, they started to walk back to the house.

“I think that you should stay for the night Samuel, it's getting late and it`s a long drive to London. I made you a bed in Michael's room.” Evelyn said as they came into the kitchen. Michael smiled to her, they did have a guestroom too, but it seemed that his mother really wanted them back together, which she didn't know yet that they already were. His father looked at him with slight worry. “We do have a guestroom too.” He pointed out carefully. Michael smiled to him. “It's quite alright dad, Sam can sleep in my room, if he wants to.” He assured, looking at his boyfriend. “Yes, if it really is alright with you, I would gladly stay. I do feel quite tired already.” Sam said, he just really wanted to stay close to Michael, after being away from him for so long.

“Michael, listen... If Sam tries anything...um, er...something stupid, something that you`re not ready to do...Just call, and um, I'll come to help you.” His father whispered to him, as he was about to leave to upstairs with Sam. Michael looked at him, his father was looking a bit blushed. Michael laughed softly to him. “Don't worry dad, I think I'll manage.” He assured with a smile. “Good night!” He said to his parents then, and left to upstairs followed by Sam.

Sam was walking behind him, looking at his lovers behind with the want to touch it. He had missed Michael so much, everything about him. “You're looking at my butt, aren't you?” Michael asked, not turning around to look at him. “Um...I just, uh...” Sam stammered, feeling embarrassed. “Don't worry about it Sam.” Michael said, turned his head and grinned. “I haven`t really changed anything in here, so if it screams out; a teen-age boy, try not to mind too much.” Michael told him, when opening the door. They came in. “I'll go for a quick shower and to brush my teeth.” Michael said then, took a towel from his closet and left.

Sam walked around the room. He stopped to look at the metals that hung on the wall. Prizes from sports and dancing contest; silver and gold. Sam smiled, he looked at the poster little farther away; Indiana Jones, somehow it didn't surprise him at all. He walked over to the bookshelf, looking at the photographs. Tony and Michael in their early teens, both had a broad smiles on their faces, Tony's arm was placed around his slightly shorter friends shoulder. A picture of Michael's grandparents. Michael and Tony in their football uniforms at the of 8, Sam guessed. They looked happy in the picture, standing at the side of the football field. Michael sure had been a beautiful child as well.

He came to Michael's desk and saw a black book on top of it. He looked behind him, towards the door, and then took the book into his hands. He opened the cover. “Keep your hands off!” Was written, with big warning letters, on the first page. Sam, couldn't hold his curiosity back and so he ignored the warning. 'Michael's journal' He thought exited, as he looked at the page behind the first one. 'A teen-aged Michael's journal.' The first entry had been made on 13th of july 1995;

I arrived here, in Ireland, a week ago. Tony isn't with me this time, he had to go to Scotland and at first I thought that I wouldn't come here either, but then, I've waited for the whole spring to go riding again so...


Now I'm so grateful, that I came! There's a new summer worker at the stables; Liam O'Crilly and all I can say is; yummy! Liam is 19, and he has worked with horses quite a lot. And oh my God; he's so handsome! My dirty mind starts to race with the images of him naked... Oh this is so horrible! It feels that this thought only starts to build up. Lately I've been noticing, that I look at Tony 'that way', that I have fantasy's and dreams of him, well you know what I mean... I've tried to tell myself that this is just some phase that is going to pass with time, that I'm really not interested in other men, but... I guess I just have to admit this, at least to myself.

Liam looks at me greatly,or so I've noticed. And at times he acts like he would know, that... Well, like he knew exactly what's going on in my mind. He say's things to me that can be taken in two ways, things that seem odd for a straight guy to say to a 15-year old boy. He jokes, and then he touches me in a funny ways sometimes.

Well, today for example, when I came back from riding, he helped me down from the horse. Not that I need any help, thank you very much, but who would honestly refuse from a help of a gorgeous guy when offered? I know I wouldn't . Well anyway, he asked; ‘Does your arse hurt love?’ And then he grinned, his hands staying on my hips a little longer than necessary. But, what the fuck was that all about; does my arse hurt?! I do not understand, and I'm not sure do I even want to understand...

Uh, I'm so tired, and tomorrow we have go to church; damn sundays. Why do we have to go to church? I mean there would be so much more nicer things to do, like...well, like sleeping late!! I do not think that God cares so much, of how do we spend our sundays, as long as we behave nicely enough. But oh well, I guess I just have to go, if I wouldn't ,Rachel would probably throw some scene, and trust me when I say; no on can stand a raging Rachel...Well, I'll go to bed now, I`ll write again later.

-M.W-


Sam heard the approaching steps and placed the journal back to it's original spot. He returned near the bookshelf. Michael had a black t-shirt on, and loose pants. He was drying his wet hair with his towel. “Do you want to go to the shower Sam?” He asked. “Yes, I'd like that.” Sam answered and smiled to him. Michael handed him a clean towel and showed him where the bathroom was.

When Sam returned into the room,he saw Michael already in his bed, the blanket drawn high up. He saw his clothes on his chair. Sam looked at Michael again, realizing that he was almost naked under that blanket. Sam felt his heart bead increasing, he moistened his own lips. Michael was looking at him, at his every move. Sam turned the lights off and closed the door after him. He laid down on the mattress next to Michael's bed, covering himself with the blanket. “Goodnight honey.” Michael whispered and Sam could see that he was smiling in the dark. “Good nigh my love.” Sam whispered back to him, fighting his urge to climb on the bed with him.

Neither of them couldn't fall a sleep, Michael stared at the ceiling. Sam had closed his eyes, but opened them from time to time to look at Michael in secret. There was a quiet rustle sound from the door, something hit against it, the door handle was pressed down and the door opened slowly. Michael startled to sit. Sam looked to the door as well and saw a small, light and fluffy animal walking slowly towards them. Michael stood up and walked over to the animal’s side.

Sam looked at the contours of Michael`s figure; his body, almost naked, only black boxers on. Michael took the cat to his arms and talked to her with a quiet voice. “Cleo, I'm sorry, but you'll just have to find another sleeping place for tonight. I'm sorry little one.” He whispered and stoked her smooth fur. He carried the cat out into the hall. He closed the door, drying hard to ignore the accusing gaze that the cat was giving him. He locked the door after him and returned to his bed, his arms wrapping around to cover his almost naked body.

“Cleo can open doors, I had already forgotten.” He whispered to Sam, when wrapping himself under the warm cover. “A smart cat.” Sam smiled. “Can you not fall a sleep either?” Michael asked. “No, I'm cold...” Sam whispered and looked at him with puppy dog eyes. “Would you like to come here then?” Michael asked carefully. “I would.” Sam answered, and couldn't help but to smile. Michael lifted the blanket and Sam snuggled close to his body.” This bed is quite narrow.” Michael whispered blushing slightly. Sam thought that he looked absolutely adoring. “It's fine with me.” Sam whispered and gently placed his hand on Michael's waist. His heart was beading fast, Michael's skin felt so warm and smooth. Michael smelled so incredibly good.

Very carefully he kissed him, and soon his lover responded. It felt amazing, he had missed it so much. “I would like to touch you, can I?” Sam asked, he had not dared to move his hand. “Yes, you can.” Michael whispered and slowly brought his hand under Sam's shirt. Sam moved his hand down on Michael's thigh, his other hand behind his neck. They kissed. Very smoothly Sam touched Michael's behind, gently feeling it's form. He moaned into the kiss, moving his hips, his cock had started to harden, he simply couldn't help it. Michael must have noticed it too, they were so close.

“Is this okay?” Sam asked quietly, drawing away from the kiss, touching his cheek and looking into his lovers eyes. “If this feels like too much, too soon, just tell me to stop, at any moment and I will. I honestly can wait for you as long as it takes, I am just happy to be near you again.” Sam continued. “I-I do not wish for you to stop Sam, I've missed you, your touch. It feels good.” Michael whispered, looking at him. “And if you were to hurt me, all I would need to do is scream, and my father would most likely brake that door into pieces, and strangle you.” Michael grinned. Sam laughed quietly. ”Well, doesn't that just make me feel safe, your father can be quite intimidating.” He whispered. “Just play nicely and quiet, and you'll be fine Sam.” Michael smiled, they kissed again.

Michael lifted Sam's t-shirt up and Sam took it completely off. He kissed Michael's collarbone, and touched his necklace. “You have worn this?” He whispered. “Everyday.” Michael answered. Sam moved his hand down on his stomach and touched his cock through his boxers. He started stoking it gently, feeling how it started to harden, they kissed, Michael moaned. Sam moved his hand behind him and they rocked their hips against each others. He moved his hand under Michael's boxers and felt the uneven rough spot on his skin, like deep scratching marks, slashes. Michael looked at him, looking a bit frightened. “Please don't ask Sam, not now." He asked. Sam smiled to him soothingly and moved his hand away from the scar. He kissed his soft lips, deepened the kiss, it was starting to get uncomfortably tight inside his boxers.

“May I?” He asked, slightly pulling Michael's boxers down. The younger man nodded and Sam undressed them both. He rolled Michael on top of himself thinking that it would be better for him to feel more in-control. He moved his hands down on Michael's back, onto his butt. Michael moved his hips, their hard organs massaging each others. “Not there, not yet anyway.” Michael whispered, when Sam had moved his hand between his butt cheeks. Sam moved his hands to his hips. “I'm sorry.” Sam asked. ”Don't be sorry.” Michael whispered, he kissed him, massaging his tongue against Sam's. They both were moaning quietly. Sam held onto his hips tighter, when Michael was moving his pelvis even faster. “Oh gods, I'm going to cum.” Sam sighed. Michael moaned, fastened the moves of his pelvis and laid his forehead against Sam's. Sam's cock was throbbing, his body tensed. Sam moaned quietly from pleasure as he shot the white, thick liquid on his own and on Michael's stomach. Michael came only moments later and laid on top him, feeling more relaxed than he had in a long time.

They took their time to calm down their breathing. “Wow.” Sam sighed firs and kissed Michael's moist lips. They turned over to lie on their side's, Sam wiped Michael's wet hair from his forehead. “Wow...” Michael repeated. “Are you alright love?” Sam asked gently stroking his arm.”I am, that was...that was great, thank you Sam.” Michael whispered with a smile, they kissed again. Michael took the towel from the floor and cleaned them both, he then snuggled back against Sam's chest. “I missed you Sam, I love you.” He whispered. Sam smiled, pressed a kiss on his forehead. “I love you too, always and forever. He whispered back. They fell a sleep in each others arms.

Chapter 43.

Sam was the first to wake up. He smiled as he looked at his younger boyfriend, sleeping closely to him, looking very peaceful. He felt a warm wave of love go through him, and it only made his smile grow. Michael was there, next to him, he was alive, had felt the heat of his body against his own. The first morning light peered from behind the curtains. Gently Sam touched his lovers face, wishing that he could stay there, by his side, on that bed, forever.

For the first time, in a long time there seemed to be hope for them. The world didn't seem as dark as it had been only a few days earlier. The memories of last night’s love making filled his mind, Michael had let him touch himself, and it was something that he had missed more than he had even realized. He wanted to give everything to the man he loved, he wanted to hear him laugh again, he wanted to see the joy from his eyes, the true joy, hear the true laugh. He would dedicate all the rest of his days to making his lover happy, he would do and give his everything to him.

Sam looked at the room surrounding him, the part of Michael's live that he had yet to learn. It was the room, of the 17-year old boy who had left all those years ago, been gone for too long, and experienced too many bad things for one so young, no one should have to go through what his lover had.

He looked at Michael; it seemed like forever since he had last seen him looking so peaceful. He wanted to learn to know him, all of him. He wanted to learn more about this boy that he had once been.

Carefully he moved to sit on the narrow bed, he looked at his lovers face closely; he was still sleeping, the peaceful sleep that he surely needed. Sam was curious; he leaned forward and reached out to take the black book, which still lay on the table.

7.25.1995

I hardly know where to begin. I'm confused and happy, but at the same time; I'm scared. Liam kissed me! I've kissed another man! And it was great, it was, oh gods, I can hardly describe it. All those girls that I've kissed were nothing compared to this.

It happened last night. I had gone for a walk, by myself. I needed sometime alone just to clear my head, to forget about everything real. I walked over to that tree, and I sat there quite a long time, until the sun started to go down. I lost myself completely to the book that I have been reading. Finally I walked over to the shore, deciding to take a little swim.

The water was bloody freezing, but I didn't care. It was so beautiful, so peaceful; it almost made me feel like I was the only person left in the world. - I know it must sound crazy.

The coldness, however, was soon forgotten. I was able to forget all of my troubles. Looking at the scenery; the rocks, the beach, the moon, the silvery water, I felt like I was caught up in a dream or something. I'm so weird, I know...

Anyway, Liam came to look for me. I sensed his presence long before he had even announced it. I knew that it was him and I knew that he was looking at me, and I know, that he was looking at me for a long time without saying anything. So I wanted to try, I wanted to seduce him and see what his reaction would be. I got up from the water and started walking towards him. I only had my underwear on.

I saw how he looked at me, his lips parting and I knew that he wanted me. I know that I can make a lot of people to want me. I'm kind of proud of my figure, I do not know if it is wrong to be proud of oneself, but why shouldn't I be?

Liam stammered something about Rachel and Peter, and that they had began to worry about me. I was just enjoying so much of the way he was looking at me; it was so much more enjoyable to be admired by him then any girls. I'm only 15 and a 19-year old guy wants me! It so bloody great!

I'm not really sure how exactly it happened, one moment I was dressing my clothes back on and the next he was there kissing me like there was no tomorrow. I remember that I said to him, something like; “You like what you see?” I have no idea how I dared to say that, but I did. Those words just slipped out of my mouth. But it was so great, the best kiss ever!...So now I'm going to bed, to sleep and dream about it more...

8.13

Lots of kissing with Liam! He always kisses me when nobody can see us. It's so exiting; this secretive sneaking around, kissing and thinking that what if someone would see us. Gerald almost did, one evening when we were at the stables and Liam had me pinned against the wall. I'm actually quite sure that he did see something, because he looked so confused and embarrassed after that. I was horrified at first, I thought that if he were to tell what he saw to my grandfather, and then I would be as good as dead! But Gerald didn't tell, he acts like nothing happened; thank God...

8.14

Liam asked me today, have I ever let another guy to fuck me, and at the same time he was squeezing my ass quite forcefully. It made me feel kind of uncomfortable, I honestly haven't thought so far ahead... He noticed my embarrassment and laughed, asking if I was still a virgin. I was embarrassed and angry. I replied to him, quite harshly in fact, that I only turned 15 two months ago, so what does he think? He went really weird after this, repeating my age over and over again. He said that I couldn't be so young, that he had thought that I would be at least 17. He asked that did I know what kind of trouble he could get himself into, if someone would find out about us. I told him that I wouldn't tell anyone. I told him that I would know that he hasn't done anything that I didn't want to be done and I would tell them that, if they indeed would find out.

I really do not want them to find out though, it would be horrible. I'm scared of what everybody would think of me if they knew the truth. I'm scared that everything would change so that it could never be repaired.

Liam did calm down though and we went back to kissing each other. He told me, that he would like to fuck me and he touched me in a way that no one hasn't before. I told him that it scared me, but he kept on trying to reassure me, saying that we could take it nice and slow. He brought my hand up to touch him, to feel how hard he was. But I just couldn't let him take my virginity, not like that, I felt like I was really not ready for that. He got angry with me, after I told him no. He told me that I'm a tease, and that I led him on into thinking that I would give him more, that I would give him all....

I do not like Liam anymore, he's a jerk, and I'm happy to be leaving for home soon. I just don't like the idea of getting fucked in the ass, not yet anyway. It's scary, I mean, doesn't it hurt quite a bit? I would imagine so, and I do not get kicks out of pain... I don't really even understand how *it* can fit in *there*...I know that I'm stupid, and childish...

I dream about my first time a lot, and I do think about sex often, but I just... Well, my dream, my biggest dream is, that it would happen with Tony. To him, I would be ready to give anything at all, everything that I could give, anything he would ask. I wish that Tony could love me the way I love him. But it is only a dream, isn’t it? One thing I do know, I do not want my first time to be in some dirty stable, with a man that hardly even knows me...

Oh, I need to get some sleep...

-M.W-

Sam felt sad after reading this, so he quickly glanced through several pages.

11.5.1996 Tuesday

Today we had self-defense in gym-class. Mr. Morgan was even more enthusiastic than what he's like normally, this only confirmed mine and Tony's idea that his biggest dream, in all truth, is to train some kind of Batman like hero. It's really quite funny, let me assure you.

I think he’s being very strict with me, demands more from me then he does from the others, like last week...

We had this weird exercise track; we had to run, do push ups, etc. It was my turn to do chin ups, and he just kept asking more and more from me, I can't even remember how many I ended up doing, but he kept on asking more. My whole body was trembling, I was so tired, but he just said to me; “Five more Mr. Wills. I know, that you can do this, show us that you can." I felt like I could curse him to the lowest hell, he wasn't so hard to the others, five he had told them, but for some reason I had to do more! It's truly annoying, especially when fat-Fred didn't have to do anything! Anyway I did try my very best, trying to ignore the pain and exhaustion. Mr. Morgan told me; “The pain Mr. Wills, get past the pain, I know that you can. It's very rewarding, something that you must go through.” Honestly; that man is nuts! He's seriously watched a bit too much of Rambo, or something. I think someone should wake him up into the real world, to remind him, that he's only a gym teacher in senior high-school!

Well, finally I had done what was required. My muscles have never trembled so hard, my arms felt like they were on fire, and they were sore for the next two days! On the other hand, I felt great, like; I did it, I did more than anyone else!

Well anyway, once again I'm jumping from the subject, so as to return to what happened today. I was paired with Tony, when practicing the self-defense thing. We were just laughing and joking, it was very hard to concentrate. Tony played the attacker at first. He grasped me from behind, like Mr. Morgan had told him to do. I couldn't help but to laugh, I was suppose to do some really cool hand twist thingy that was suppose to free me.

I blame Tony, he made me laugh. It's very hard to take the situation seriously, if your 'attacker' whispers into your ear; "Mmm...Let me smell your socks, please let me, oy, oy, I'm addicted to socks, I collect people’s socks..." We both laughed.

Mr. Morgan wasn't happy at all. “Mr. Wills and Mr. McDonnell, I'm asking you both to take this seriously. Defending yourself might come in handy someday, when you least expect it.” He told us. We just nodded our heads pretending to listen. Honestly, I have Tony, I don't need to learn self-defense, because I have him.

We tried again, but again; I laughed. I became too aware of the fact that Tony really stood behind me, so close. My dirty imagination was coming up with many different thoughts of him. Tony wasn't helping my situation at all, he was massaging himself against my ass, joking around, whispering and moaning. Really; not helping!


Finally Mr. Morgan got tired of our behaviour and we had to switch partners. Tom and Tony was a couple and I was with Sean. I didn't even have the time to do anything when he already had a firm hold of me. I really have no idea of what he was trying to do, but it felt really odd. I yelled at him to let me go, I yelled so hard that everyone heard. Sean did release me immediately, I think he was afraid of Tony kicking his ass, Tony was giving him his 'bad eye' *grins* Oh, Tony is so wonderful! *sigh*

Mr. Morgan came to ask what was wrong and I told him straight forward, that I felt like Sean was getting a bit too exited about this (I think Sean will never want to speak to me again *grin* - I know, I'm horrible at times.) Mr. Morgan said that Sean was only taking this seriously which I wasn't. I rolled my eyes at Tony, he did the same. I said that I could continue, if Sean wasn't going to try to rape me again. *laughs* Yes, Sean will never talk to me again. And I do not know why I just couldn't keep my mouth shut.

Oh, Sean will calm down and forgive me eventually, like he's done before. Calming people down, is really quite simple, you just have to know what they want to hear the most and smile, sometimes just a smile is enough, in my case it's enough fairly often. Hm... I wonder, am I beginning to be too self-confident? Love myself too much? I don't. Not really, there’re lots of times that I feel like a total jerk and annoying kid. Do other people feel that way about me I wonder? If they do, they won't admit it.

Tom for example doesn't like me, but if I'm totally honest I don't like much about him either, so we are even... Tom is a jerk! Oh it feels so good just to write it. Oh I really am horrible, but on the other hand I've never really sucked up to him, I've told him my honest opinion of his behaviour fairly often. The way he talks about girls for example, I think that it's disgusting and derogatory... He's just such a big knob head!

11.12.1996

Tom's eating habits have begun to disgust me even more. It's so nauseating, he keeps shoving those greasy fries and those sweaty wieners on his plate and into his mouth more than, I'm sure, would be lawful. And then there's the terrible smacking sound... I feel really ill when watching it, I’ve taken up a habit of bring my own lunch to school, because I really don't feel like eating that junk. I told Tom that he might have better chances with girls if he started to watch his eating more carefully. I think he wanted to strangle me after that. Tony shoved me to the side, telling me that I should be nicer to Tom. Why? Is Tom always nice to me? No, and I've never sucked up to people before, so why start now?

After school I went to Jenny's place, I had encouraged myself all day; today I'm going to do it, Jenny wants it, I want it... I spend all day thinking about big breasts and how wonderful they are and how I would like to squeeze them and...Um, hey; at least I'm trying!

So there we were; kissing on her bed, like usual. She took my shirt off and I placed my hand under hers, on her breast. Her breast are quite big, it was kind of like squeezing a big stress toy *laughs* This really didn't help me though, because I found it funny rather than arousing which it is suppose to be, right?

Then it happened, Jenny guided my hand under her panties. Oh God it was horrible, oh, not horrible, but weird; moist and hot, and I had a hard time trying not to laugh. I actually had to press my face against the pillow and I moaned in a way that I hope made her believe that I was in seventh heaven and not un the verge of laughing like I really was.

What’s wrong with me? Jenny is the wet dream of every man. She lets me touch her and what do I do? I almost start to laugh, Oh God I'm such an idiot! Finally I was able to collect myself and when Jenny was already opening my jeans, I stopped her. I told her, that we should wait. I told her that I'm from a very religious family! I mean WHAT?!... It's pitiful, I know, but at least she believed me! I'm afraid though, that if I don't soon give it to her, she's going to get suspicious (If I don't give it to her, oh it sounds so stupid really.) But on the other hand I think the only reason that she's in to me is that I hold back. She could get anyone she wants, and usually guys just want that one thing from her, to which I keep saying no to. I do like Jenny, very much so, but I like her as my friend. I wish I could like her more. That I would want her in that way, but it seems that I just can't, no matter how much I try...

-M.W-

**************

Michael made a small noise, he stretched his body, smacked his mouth quietly and then opened his eyes. He looked at Sam who still held his journal in his hands. Sam looked back at him, little embarrassed look on his face. “Hey.” Sam whispered.

“Hey yourself.” Michael answered, rolled over to lie on his side and smiled to him. “So you read my journal?” Michael asked.

“I'm sorry, it was just lying there, and I couldn't help myself.” Sam answered and placed the book back on the table. He then snuggled close to his boyfriend’s body.

“You are forgiven. You know so much about me already, I don't think, I have anything to hide from you... I hope you don't think that I was totally stupid back then.” Michael whispered.

“I would never think that you're stupid...So, Liam O'Grilly?” Sam asked with curiosity.

“A stupid Irish, a jerk, I have nothing else to say about him.” Michael told him. Sam touched his cheek gently. They were silent for a moment.


“Did you sleep well my angel?” Sam asked.

“Your, angel?” Michael asked arching one of his eyebrows.

“Yes, my sweet, beloved angel.”

“I'm not an angel.”

“Yes you are. You're as beautiful as I would think angels are, you're kind, you have a warm heart... So yes, to me you are an angel.” Sam told him, getting a small smile from his love.

“You're weird Sam.”

“Thank you.” Sam smiled taking his hand in his.

“I haven't slept as well as I did this night, in ages.” Michael whispered with a smile as he looked his boyfriend, who was studying his hand carefully.

“It's good to hear, same thing here.” Sam whispered, placing their palms together still looking at them.

“You have a smaller hand than mine, and leaner fingers; lovely.” He brought Michael's hand to his lips and kissed his skin smoothly, all the time looking into Michael's eyes. “Do you have some kind of weird hand fetish?” Michael asked with a small laugh.

“I have a fetish, but only with your hands my love, it's a love affair really.”

“Hm...I wonder if should start feeling jealous to my hands.” Michael laughed.

“No, you don't, because I have a love affair with your other parts as well, I can't decide which I love the most; I think it's the whole packet.”

“You really are weird Sam, but I love you too and all your parts.”

They kissed their naked body's wrapping themselves around each other. Michael didn't feel scared, not even when he felt Sam's growing erection against his own. He felt oddly relaxed; everything felt alright, there was no reason to fear. Opening his eyes, and looking at the room and then at his blond lover, made him smile. He was home, on his bed, on the same bed that he had spent most of his life dreaming of this moment, of a lover that would be like Sam. He knew in his heart that nothing he wouldn't want to happen would happen, while he was with Sam. Sam loved him, he felt it, knew it.

“Hm...I think I'm going to say hello to one of my very dear and beloved friends...” Sam whispered between the kisses. Michael looked at him in confusion.

“Wha...” He started, as Sam disappeared under the cover. Soon he felt moist lips kissing the tip of his organ. Sam took his cock in his mouth and started sucking on it slowly at first. Michael arched his head back, and moaned quietly. He then moved the blanket so that he could see his lover's blond head.

“I was afraid that, mmh...that you, oh, couldn't get...ah, any... oxygen...mmm... under there.” He moaned. Sam lifted his head up and grinned. “I'll take care of myself. So just relax and enjoy yourself honey.” Sam whispered and returned back to his task. Michael reached his hand to touch his lover’s smooth blond hair, he ran his fingers through them. He tried to stay as quiet as he could and nipped his bottom lip carefully as the pleasure that he felt kept growing. Sam really was good at this, he thought.

“Oh, I'm coming Sam, soon...” He managed to say and Sam only sucked him with more speed. And then Michael came, suppressing his moans by lifting a pillow over his mouth. Sam swallowed all, licking him as clean as he could. He moved up, to face him, taking the pillow away and smiling. Michael turned to look at him and slowly Sam reached down to kiss him. “Wow.” Michael whispered after the kiss. “So I can assume that you liked?”” Sam asked him. “I loved it, thank you.” They kissed again.

Michael felt Sam's hard organ against his thigh. He moved his hands down on Sam's body, on his buttocks, spreading his legs he wrapped them around his lovers waist, drawing him even closer to himself.

“We seem to have a problem Sam.” He said then, with serious _expression on his face.

“What.”

“Your little friend is still awake.” Michael smiled.

“My little friend?” Sam asked, teasing.

“Well a big friend maybe?.... Uhum...I think that you know what I mean.” Michael said to him. Sam smiled.

“Yes, I do know what you mean.”

“So what do you think that we should do about it my love?” Michael asked and gave him another kiss. Sam could think off many things that he would like to do, but all of them felt wrong to suggest.

“Well, I can take care of it myself later, don't worry.”

“Take care of it yourself? Don't worry?..Oh, don't even think that I'd let my boyfriend take care of himself after what he just gave me.” Michael said with confidence.

“I don't want you to do anything that you’re not ready to do. I can wait.”

“Yes, I know Sam and I know what I'm ready to do, and what I'm not.” Michael told him, and turned them so that he was now lying on top of Sam.

“I may not be ready to let you have me in that way, you know? But I'm ready for anything else, and maybe, someday, I'll be ready for that too.” He said and kissed Sam's lips. He explored Sam's hot mouth with his own tongue and massaged his tongue with his own. Sam stroked his back gently. Michael moved away from the kiss and kissed Sam's neck, proceeding down on his chest, on his stomach, until he met with Sam's cock. He kissed the tip lightly, and then licked it like a lollipop before he took the whole length in his mouth.

Sam moaned, watching his lover work. He wanted to make sure that this time Michael really wouldn't start feeling uncomfortable. Michael looked back at him while he was sucking. They took each others hands, linking their fingers. Sam smiled, the fact that Michael was looking at him this whole time, made it even hotter. “Mmh...I'm coming...” Sam warned him. Michael tried to think fast; could he swallow everything, or should he move his head away, he then decided to give it a try. He felt the salty, thick liquid coming in his mouth, he closed his eyes for a moment and swallowed all that he could. He returned back to Sam's embrace.

***********

“So, what are you going to do today?” Sam asked while they were dressing.

“Well, it looks like I have some laundry to do.” Michael grinned and continued. “Then I need to study for a bit. Did I tell you that I started home studying the final grade of senior high school?” Michael asked.

“No, you haven't. It's great, will do you some good, I think.” Sam smiled. “

What does that mean? Does me some good?” Michael asked with worry. Did Sam think he was stupid or something? He wondered.

“Good because it gives you something else to think about.” Sam explained, walker over to him and pulled him into a hug. Michael smiled.

“Yes something else to think about.” He said then and went to get a shirt from his closet.

Suddenly he stopped, held his shirt in his hands, and looked at it, seeming a bit sad somehow. “You're not going to stay Sam? You'll go back to Paris of course, and I don't want to go back there...What's going to happen to us then?” Michael asked quietly. Sam walked behind him, wrapping his arms around him, he kissed his neck softly.

“Do you honestly think my love; that I would leave you now that I've gotten you back? Never. I'm not going back o Paris. I've given a notice to my old work place, and my apartment is on sale.” He whispered.

Michael turned around and smiled brightly.

”So, you'll stay in England?”

“Here's where I belong, with you.” He said and kissed his beloved.

“I love you.” Michael whispered and wrapped his arms around him tightly.

“And I love you... I have to return to London tonight and take care of few things. I'll come back this weekend, Friday night if it's alright?” Sam asked.

“Of course it's alright. What things do you need to take care off?”

“You are too curious my love. It's a surprise.” Sam smiled in a secretive manner.

“A surprise? No, tell me now. I want to know now!” Michael insisted.

“No I will not tell, only this weekend.” Michael frowned, his bottom lip turning down into a moping _expression. “You're no fun. It's a forever until Friday.”

“Well actually, you'll find out on Saturday.”

“Saturday!?”

“My love, I'm sure, that you can wait till Saturday. I mean; it's Tuesday already, so it’s really not that long.”

“It is...”

“You know what? I really feel like I'm dating a teen-aged kid right now, this room and the fact, that at the moment, you are acting like a 17-year old, or should I say, like a seven year old?” Sam grinned. Michael stroked his arm playfully.

“You're no fun. I'm not acting like a seven year old.” He muttered. Then he sighed and stood up in a prouder manner. “Alright Mr. Grey, should we move downstairs to enjoy a nice, hot cup of tea?” Michael asked, over doing his British accent. Sam laughed.

“Alright.”


Evelyn looked at her son with a smile as he was eating breakfast with Sam. Michael smiled, in a way that she hadn't seen him smile since she had found him again.

“I don't know what you did Sam, but what ever it was, it seems to have helped him greatly. Thank you.” Evelyn whispered to him, as Sam was leaving. Sam almost blushed. ‘I had sex with your son.’ He thought, grinning slightly.

Michael came over to him, hugged him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “I'll see you on Friday my love, I can hardly wait.” He whispered.

“You can't wait for your surprise.” Sam grinned.

”I'll wait for you, not the surprise.” Michael told him.

“I'll be back here, in your arms, before you even have time to realize. Be careful and...”

“Don't worry Sam, I'm safe here.” He assured. “Just promise that you'll be careful too Sam, we don't know where he is.” Michael whispered next. Sam placed his hand on his cheek.

“I am not afraid of him, he, on the other hand should be afraid of me...” They kissed and finally Sam left.

*****

Michael took his sheets from the bed and headed downstairs into the laundry room. “Didn't you just change your sheets the other day?” Evelyn noticed, when she saw him pushing them into the washing machine. Michael blushed slightly.

“Yes well...” He started and looked at his mother smiling little shyly.

“Wait, I don't think that I need to know more...” She said suddenly, lifting her hand forward. She was already about to turn and leave, when she then looked at her son once more, and continued. “But I'll only say one thing, this, your sudden urge to wash your sheets, might mean that you're feeling a lot better, and I'm very glad of that.” Evelyn told him with a smile, and returned into the kitchen.

Chapter 44.

1.31.2004 Saturday





”Where are you taking me?” Michael asked when they had already been driving for two hours.

“You'll see soon.” Sam smiled in a secretive manner. They were driving in the countryside, finally reaching a lean sand road that led to the yard of a big and beautiful country house. Sam drove the car in front of the house and parked; he opened his seat-belt and turned to look at his lover.

“Alright, close your eyes, and do not open them until I say so.” Sam told him, with a smile on his face.

“Um, alright.” Michael replied.

”Wait, let me help you out of the car.” Sam said, got up and circled the car. He opened the passenger side door, took his boyfriends hand in his and helped him out. “Now, promise me that you'll keep your eyes close?”

“I promise.” Michael smiled.

”And you trust me?” Sam asked.

“I trust you Sam.” Sam placed his own hand to cover Michael's eyes just in case. Slowly he started to lead him forward. Michael tried to calm down his breathing. “Don't hold me so tightly.” He asked, a memory of a very remotely same kind of situation tried to make itself known. Sam did as he wished.

“Don't be scared my love, everything is alright, this is a good surprise.” He whispered with a soothing voice, as they kept on walking on the snowy yard.



Sam looked at his sister, who stood a little farther away, he smiled to her, she returned the smile. Lisa began walking towards them, leading a grand and beautiful animal by her side. Lisa stood in front of the fencing. Sam stood behind Michael and took his hand away from covering his eyes.

“Alright, you can open your eyes now.” Michael sighed with surprise as he looked at the beautiful, black horse in front of him. The horse had a little white star on his forehead. It's dark black bristle and tail was glimmering in the bright winter sun. Lisa was stroking the animal gently, and smiled warmly at him.

“Sam... What?” He sighed, unable to find the right words.

”He's yours. I bought him for you.” Sam told him.

“Mine?”

”Yes, he has some really odd name, so I thought that you could rename him.” Sam whispered to him, his arms around his waist. Michael turned his head to look at him and then he looked back at the horse. “Go on, you can touch him.” Sam whispered releasing his hold of him. Michael took the few final steps closer to Lisa and the horse.

“Nice to see you Michael, it's been such a long time.” Lisa smiled to him, Michael smiled back he was too stunned to say a word. Lisa took his hand and placed on the animal's side. Michael stroked him gently.


Sam came behind him.

“So, do you like him?” He asked, looking at his boyfriend's smiling face.

“Oh, Sam you're so crazy, but I love you, thank you so much. I still can't believe that you bought a horse for me. You're just kidding me, are you? You're going to take him away?” Michael asked looking at him.

“No, of course not. The horse is yours. Lisa will take good care of him, and you can come here to see him anytime you like.” Sam told him.

“You and my brother are welcome to spend nights here, when ever it suits you.” Lisa confirmed. Michael looked at her with a smile, only now realizing that this beautiful house and state was Lisa's and her family's home. He could almost imagine how the scenery would look like at summer time, and he was sure that it would be breath taking.

“Come inside when you're finished here.” Lisa said to them both and then turned her eyes on Michael. “You have yet to meet with my husband and my son Joshua.” She said to him.

“Thank you Lisa we'll be there soon.” Was Sam’s reply to her.



“Well, have you thought of a name yet?” Sam asked.

“Hm...I think that I'm going to name him; Irish Devlin.” Michael decided.

“Devlin?” Sam asked.

”It means fierce and brave.” Michael grinned.

“Brave he may be, but fierce? I do not think so, I wouldn't have bought you a fierce horse, one that could throw you from its back. After all, I do plan to have you around, for good many years my love.” Sam said wrapping his arms around him from behind.

“But Devlin it is, he is brave.” Michael told him, turned his head and kissed his lovers lips.



“Would you like to try riding?” Sam asked.

Michael looked at the horse and then back at him, still finding it hard to believe that this horse was truly his now.

“Yes, I'd like to try, if I can?”

Michael answered, feeling a bit nervous. He wondered if he could ride anymore, after so many year. Sam helped him onto the horses back, and then held on to bridles. Sam lead the horse inside the fences.

“Would you like me to lead him at first?” Sam asked.

“I'm not a little child Sam, I'll try it for myself, just a little while.” Michael said, and took the reins from Sam. He urged the horse to move, into steady walking. It felt great to ride a horse once again, and at the same time it felt odd, but he hadn't forgotten, he remembered perfectly, it all came back to him, almost as if he had rode a horse just yesterday. Sam leaned against the fence looking at his boyfriend with a smile. Michael looked so incredible handsome, his posture so vigorous, so elegant. Looking at him, you would have never believed that it had been over six years since the last time that he had sat on a horses back.



Finally Michael rode back to him, and got off from the horses back. His cheeks were slightly red and his eyes were shinning brightly.

“Oh, it felt great!” He breathed out.Sam took a hold of the reins and kissed him.

“You look happy, the best gift that I could ever get.” Sam whispered.

“I am, now, today, I feel really happy.” Michael whispered back, a little surprised that he truly felt that way.

“Alright lets take Devlin back to the stables.” Sam said. Michael nodded his head and kissed his boyfriend once more on the lips.



*************'



Later that night, they were driving towards London.

“Where are we going now?” Michael asked.

“It's a surprise as well.” Sam grinned. ”More surprises? You are spoiling me Sam.” Michael said.

“Yes, but you deserve to be spoiled.” They drove in front of a two stored house, with quite big front yard. Located just outside London. Sam was about to open his mouth, when Michael guessed.

“Let me guess; I have to keep my eyes close until you say otherwise?” He asked with a grin.

“Right you are love, you are a quick learner, aren't you?” Sam smiled and got up from the car, once again he helped his lover to get up as well. “And remember...” Sam started.

“No peeping, I remember.” Michael smiled, eyes closed.



They walked inside the house. They were greeted by a delicious smell of food. Sam lead him forward.

“Alright, open your eyes.” He whispered. They stood in the dining room, in front of beautifully decorated dining table. There was a fire burning in the fireplace.

“Bonsoir, Monsieur.” The familiar female voice welcomed them. Michael turned to look at the direction of the voice and saw Kitty standing at the kitchen doorway; she was smiling brightly at him.

“Kitty!” Michael called and hurried to give her a hug. “You're here too!” He stated with joy.

“Of course, I couldn't live without Sam, well not too far away from him that is, so I moved back to London. I was beginning to get bored of Paris anyways, I missed home.” Kitty smiled.

“What about your boyfriend?” Michael asked.

“Well after thinking about it, I came to the conclusion that you can always find new boyfriend, but friends like you and Sam, aren't so easy to find.”


“Can I get a hug as well?” Michael recognized the voice instantly.

“Tony what on earth?” Michael asked, still smiling, Tony came closer and hugged him tightly.

“Sam asked me to help, so I came. We have been shopping all day with this lovely lady, and now are serving supper for you.” Tony explained. Michael thought that all this was weird, wonderful, but weird at the same time.

Sam lead him to sit in front of the table and sat opposite from him. Tony and Kitty served the supper for them and then sat down with them. Kitty sat next to Michael, and Tony next to Sam.

“Who's house is this?” Michael asked then and tasted his wine.

”It's ours.” Sam answered and smiled to him.

“Ours?!” Michael asked almost choking to his wine.

”Yes, yours and mine. It does need some work though. Some repairs have to be made in the living room and in the other bathroom. And we also need to get some new furniture. The work here will start on monday.” Sam told him. Michael looked at him, still not quite understanding. Then he looked at Tony who smiled back at him gently.


“Sam, I-I don't have any money, not to a place like this.” Michael said quietly, feeling slightly embarrassed.

“But I have, and what is mine is also yours. I like this place, it's beautiful, there's quite big back yard, we can plant some flowers at spring, and it’s in a perfect location. So what do you think darling? If you don't like it, then...” Sam started.

“No Sam, I love this place, I do, I just, I had no idea...” Michael looked at his boyfriend, feeling a rush of emotions going through him. Sam had already gave him so much, and now this? How could Sam love him so much? After all, he was nothing but a whore...



Kitty noticed his _expression and took his hand in hers.

“Don't you think for one second that you wouldn't deserve this. You’ll be so happy here, the two of you.” Kitty whispered and smiled to him. Michael looked at her and smiled back, he was afraid that he was just dreaming and soon he would wake up, back in his old horrible life.

“Thank you Kitty.”



It was time for the desert; raspberry chocolate cake, Michael's favorite. Michael noticed, that Tony and Kitty were devouring their own pieces. He looked at Sam rolling his eyes, and gesturing to the way that the other two were eating, Sam only smiled back, seeming somehow oddly nervous.



Tony stretched his arms after he had finished eating.

“What do you say Katherine, fancy a bit of fresh air?” Tony asked, looking at the woman.

“That sounds good to me, let’s go.” Kitty said, almost jumping up from the table. Michael looked after them in confusion as they quickly left the room.

“What's up with them, I wonder?” He said out loud and then looked at Sam, who stared back at him. Sam seemed a bit pale, his eyes never leaving his. “What's wrong hon? Are you feeling okay?” Michael asked with worry. Was Sam shaking?



Just as Michael was about to reach up to touch him over the table, Sam stood up, clearing his throat. He circled the table, approaching his seat. He knelled in front of him, taking his hand in his.

"Sam, um, what are you doing?” Michael asked with insecure. Sam looked at him, clearing his throat once again.

“Listen, I love you, more than anything in this world. I never knew that I could fell like this towards someone... Back when... when you were missing and I thought that you might die, was the most painful time of my life. I don't know how I would have survived it if you had died. In fact I don't think that I would have... I mean, I can't even began to describe how I feel towards you, how deep my love goes for you. All I can say, is that I love you today, tomorrow and forever, you and no other, and there for...” Sam's hand was shaking as he searched the small box from his pocket. He held out a golden engagement ring. “...I'm offering this ring for you, in hopes that you'll take it, and that you allow me to place it on your ring finger, as a sign that we have promised to spend the rest of our lives together. So the question is; will you be mine? Will you share the reast of your life with me Michael?”

Michael looked at him, then at the offered ring and then back at Sam. He was trembling, he wanted to laugh and he wanted to cry, he was momentarily lost for words. He lifted his hand to cover his mouth. Sam looked at him, starting to feel even more nervous, was Michael turning him down or what?

“You want me?” Michael asked finally, tears in his eyes. He had dreamed about this, countless of times, but after all what had happened to him, he had already resigned to the thought that no one would never want him, that no one would never love him this much; so much that they would want to spend a lifetime with him.

“Silly, of course I want you, how could I not want you?” Sam whispered. Michael leaned down to capture his lips, they hugged each others tightly. “I haven't heard your answer yet?” Sam reminded him.

“My answer is yes, a definite yes, I love you Sam, you and no other.” Michael whispered, tears falling down, a smile on his lips. Sam took his hand and slipped the ring to his finger. They kissed again with passion and need.



“Can we please come in? I can't take this any longer.” Kitty asked from the doorway tears in her eyes, smile on her lips. Sam and Michael nodded their heads. Kitty rushed to them, and not knowing which of them to hug first, she hugged them both at the same time. Tony had followed her into the room. Michael looked at him, smiling. Tony smiled back at him and approached them carefully. Michael stood up. They looked at each others, until Tony closed the distance between them, and pulled him into a warm hug.

“Congratulation, you two will be very happy.” Tony whispered.

“Thank you Tony.” Michael whispered back. Tony released his hold of him, trying to smile. He knew that he should be happy for Michael, and he was, but at the same time he felt himself strangely melancholy. He knew that he would get over it, maybe he was just scared of loosing his best friend again, although his engagement with Sam didn't mean that he would.

*********

Later at night Michael and Sam were left alone into their new home.

“Lets go to bed honey?” Sam asked. Michael nodded his head and they headed towards the stairs. When they reached the steps, Sam captured his lover in his arms, lifting him up.

“What are you doing?” Michael laughed.

“I'm carrying my fiancé, my one and only love upstairs to our bedroom.” Sam told him simply and stated slowly climbing up the stairs.



“You're heavier then you look.” Sam took note as reached halfway of the stairs.

“Sam you're only breaking your back, put me down, I'm not some woman after all.” Michael laughed.

“No...I- I'm carrying you all the way up... on the bed.” Sam was able to breathe out.

“You're my superman.” Michael laughed.

Sam laid him gently on the bed and then fell right next to him. He was trying to catch his breath.

“Oh gods, don't you expect me to do that every night...”

“You're so silly, my dear silly man.” Michael laughed, snuggled close to his body and kissed his lips. “My silly man, who's strong like bull.” He whispered. Sam smiled, wrapped his arms around him and kissed him.



“I thought that we would spend this night here, but as for proper living... Well, we have to wait until the work here is done, before we can move in. We can either stay at my parents’ house or yours during that time.” Sam told him.

“I'd like to stay at my parents’ house, I feel safe there, plus I would like to spend more time with them, after all we lost so many years together.” Michael whispered.

“Alright, I can understand that perfectly."

They wrapped themselves under the blanked, close to each others. It was still quite cold in the apartment , and so they had to take extra blankets to keep warm. Michael was admiring the golden ring on his finger.

“Are you happy?” Sam asked.

“Yes, I am, are you?”

“I am, extremely happy.” Sam answered. Michael looked at him, a thoughtful _expression on his face.



“What are you thinking?”

“I'm thinking, that I'm very lucky that I have you. I'm wondering what I did to deserve your love.” Michael whispered.

“You you would deserve so much more Michael, you deserve to be spoiled and pampered. I'm the lucky one for having your heart.”

Michael moved his fingers through Sam's soft hair.

“Doesn't it bother you?” He asked with a quiet voice.

“Doesn't what bother me?” Sam asked.

“That I've been a whore and the things that they did to me... I mean, I know that there's not many men that would still want me as their lover, not if they would knew the truth about my past...And well, our life's will never be quite normal anymore, not the way it was last summer anyway.” Michael was still playing with Sam's hair.

“You're not a whore, you never were, a victim yes, but not a whore, not in my eyes. I love you Michael, nothing can ever change that. I'm just happy that you're here, by my side, I don't need anything else.” Sam leaned to kiss him, Michael wrapped his leg around him. He felt content, he felt loved.




**********



Jean sat in front of a table, of a dimly lighted room, he lift the whiskey bottle up to his lips, drinking with never ending thirst of alcohol. His friend was passing back and forth; the sound of his boots hitting on the wooden floor, just irritated Jean.

“Patrick, for fucks sake sit down! Your driving me insane.” He snarled, looking angrily at the man. Finally the long desired silence. Jean drank some more. Looking at the picture in his hand, he ran his finger on top of it, almost lovingly.

“I'll come for you chéri, soon we'll be together, don't you worry my love...” He whispered with drunken voice.



“What the fuck are we going to do Jean? I can't take this, I can't understand why I let you drag me into this mess.” Patrick sighed and sat down.

“We're going to go and get him that is what we are going to do.” Jean told him, keeping his eyes on the picture.

“And how are you planning to do that Jean? He's not in Paris anymore, he's in England, how are you going to get there without getting caught? You're crazy if you’ll try it.” Patrick pointed out looking at him; Jean looked back at him and smiled.

“Oh ye of little faith, we'll get there, we'll get him, don't you worry my friend.”

“We? What do you mean we? I'm not sure if I'm ready to risk anymore just to get that whore... Sure he's pretty, sure he's sexy, but you can find pretty young men easier then what it takes to get him.” Patrick tried to speak some sense to his friend. Jean leaned closer, and took a hold of his shirt collar.

“I do not want any others Patrick. Do what you will, I am going to have him anyways.” He hissed.

“Alright Jean, just calm down. I'm with you.” Patrick promised. Jean released his hold on him, and immediately Patrick stood up. He took few steps back, looking at his friends closely. Jean sure had changed, he had changed so much that it was beginning to scare him. All this was because of that whore, Patrick thought. So why not let that whore pay for what he had done to his friend?

Web published: My Secret Shore

© KOLGRIM 2006 - 2011

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