LOVE AND BROKEN HEARTS

Chapter 1.

Joni:

I hate big super markets; I hate them!

I kept walking forward on the chilly corridors of the store, all the while looking around myself; hoping to see a white knitted shirt and brown, sexy, messed up hair…where the hell had he gotten to already?

A couple of older women were walking slowly ahead of me, side by side, pushing their shopping carts in front of them, so that no one could possibly move past them on the corridor. They were talking about some man named Matias, and his bad case of gout. The other one then told her friend about her bad hip and the fear of having a cancer; the doctors didn't do anything about it, thought that she was just overly paranoid; the nerve of them! She said.

‘My god; can you walk any slower!?’ I thought to myself. Though I might have screamed that one out loud because they turned their heads and looked at me in a disapproving manner. Well at least they let me pass them! I heard how they discussed the state of today's youth; always so selfish and rude. Well, if they didn’t always stand in our way, then just maybe we wouldn't have to be rude! Have they ever thought of that? If anyone here was selfish, then I think it was those grannies with hip problems and not I.

I continued my search. Why did these stores have to be so god damn big? Why, God, why??

Finally I found him. Jesse stood in the toy section and studied some teddy bear in his hand. I wondered if he hadn't gotten enough toys as children to play with, since he now seemed to be so interested in them.

“Did you find the cheese?” He asked, smiling once he saw me.

“Well yeah, I found your fucking cheese; here. But is it so god damn difficult for you to stay where I leave you? Do you know how annoying it is to search for you, when those fucking one foot in a grave people decide to have their little 'let’s compare whose life is the most fucked up' conversations?” I snapped and tossed the cheese that had caused so much trouble already into the cart.

Jesse looked at me rolling his eyes and sighed.

“I know that you do not like going to grocery stores, but please can you stop all that swearing. It sounds so childish,” Jesse scolded me. I looked at him and the teddy in his hands.

“Says the guy who's looking to buy a teddy for himself?” I raised an eyebrow.

“Your sister’s birthday is coming up,” he told me, looking at my face with a somewhat amused expression.
“Oh yeah...” I muttered. I had forgotten all about Sini's birthday to be honest and once again Jesse would save my neck. The teddy was placed among the rest of the stuff and we continued our shopping trip from hell.

I stayed behind Jesse, just so that I could look at the swing of his perfect ass as he walked in front of me.

Jesse turned to look at me; his deep blue eyes had the smile that had appeared on his lips. He was just so beautiful, there was no way getting past that. I wondered if I could find some secluded corner to take him to and…hm...the changing cabinets?

“I think we got everything already, except the drinks.” Jesse said then, interrupting my wildly running thoughts.

“Oh yes, the drinks then...” I muttered, sounding a bit absent minded and once again my eyes met with his butt. Damn I felt horny. Luckily it wasn't a horribly long trip to the cabin from here.

**^^**^^**

“There's a mighty fine forest over there,” I said after we had driven for about 20 minutes. Jesse chuckled and shook his head. Is he laughing at me?!

“There are forests everywhere. So what, dare I even ask, makes this one finer than the others we have driven by already?” he asked, looking at me with a curious expression.

“Well, uh, the shape of the trees, the way the light of the sun moves through them and... And there seems to be plenty of moss; so I bet the ground is really soft in some places.” I gave him a smile. “We could stop at the next resting area and go explore the nature for a bit; you know...” A man has always got to try. Jesse turned his head towards the window, but I could see that he's smiling. I seem to amuse him to no end!

“We're going to a cabin, Joni. I'm happy with the nature that we'll find there, so there's really no need to stop now.”

“So what you're saying is that you'll go to explore the nature with me once we reach the cabin?” I asked, my tone full of hope.

“Just drive the car, hon,” he said, smiling and I let out a deep, depressed sigh.

*

Finally we reached the cabin and from the look of the other cars the others had already arrived.

Jesse smiled when he saw his friend Kim, who smiled back at him in an insanely happy manner. He did try to hold himself down, but I saw how he burned with the urge to feel my boyfriend up. He waved at us and came to help us with our luggage and the groceries.

At first they hugged though, and I felt sick just looking at it. I can't understand how Jesse can even touch him, since Kim was so over weight. It was disgusting.

Kim's cheeks went red as he looked at Jesse as they laughed about some joke of theirs even as they carried the stuff into the cabin.
I grabbed our bags and followed them inside. At the door I ran into Marko and he grinned at me. His green blue eyes sparkled and his blond hair framed his handsome face.
“Hi Joni.”

“Hi Marko,” I said, smiling at the slightly shorter guy. We looked at each other for a moment longer. Marko looked god damn gorgeous and I was still feeling as horny as ever. I remembered clearly how his lips had felt around my hardening member. I also remembered the contour of his well shaped body in a dimly lighted room. He held my gaze, smiling still, touching me furtively as he walked past me. I followed him with my eyes as he walked towards the dock. He turned around, smiled seductively and then continued on. He remembered too; our secret night.

’Maybe if Jesse decides to hold back sex from me again, I can perhaps convince Marko to some action?’ I couldn’t help but to smile at the thought. I certainly wouldn't mind having him again.

I found my boyfriend inside, in the kitchen where he was kneeling in front of the fridge, placing our groceries inside. Kim leaned against the counter, staring at his ass, which is such a sexy ass that even I couldn't blame that pervert from looking at it. I wanted Jesse, I wanted Marko. To put it simply; I wanted sex. Jesse or Marko; the two hottest guy at the cabin, either one of them worked quite well with me. Jesse just didn't have to know that. I didn't want to cheat on him again. I knew that if he were to know, then I would loose him and you didn't want to lose a guy like Jesse. So from now on I would only try and concentrate on getting into the pants of my own boyfriend.

Jesse stood up and I walked behind him, wrapping my arms around him I kissed his perfect neck. I didn't really bother to care about the fact that the perverted Kim was still watching.

“Honey, let’s go upstairs?” I whispered still placing gentle kisses on the side of his neck. He turned his face to look at me, kissed my lips, before pulling away from my embrace.
“But just this morning we...” He started, glanced at Kim and then, slightly insecurely back at me.
“...This is kind of a bad moment. We just got here. I'll think about it later, alright?” He said then and walked away. I sighed with frustration. Somebody please fuck with me now! Not Kim though...

Didn't Jesse realize how his constant rejection affected me? Kim looked a bit too pleased of Jesse's refusal, like he was proud of him or something. His eyes met with mine and I glared at him angrily. He blushed, stuttered something and left to go outside. Jesse had also disappeared into the living room, where I found him talking with Sami. I definitely needed a cold bath...


Later that night, we sat outside. We had all been drinking, some quite heavily, some less.

Jesse was talking with Kim and ignoring me! I guess he knew what I wanted and wasn't in the mood; how typical. It was frustrating to be the one in the relationship who wanted more sex than the other. Jesse had once told me that no one was as horny as I was. It was true that I wanted sex daily or better yet, two or tree times a day, but Jesse simply couldn't keep up with my appetite – a pity really. I think there's nothing strange in wanting sex so often; I'm a healthy young man at the age of 23, of course I want sex. I mean, who doesn't?!

My eyes wandered off to where Marko sat just as he looked back at me and smiled. I became mesmerized by his movements. How he licked his lips, how he looked at me, pure want in his eyes and finally he stood up. He walked towards me, stopped just as he was about to pass me.

“I'm going to the sauna. Meet me there in five minutes if you're interested,” I heard him whisper, even though he wasn’t looking in my direction. He continued walking. His boyfriend was too drunk to even notice his boy-toy’s sudden absence.

My palms sweating, my heart racing, racing with the desire…the need to go and follow him grew stronger which each passing second. Five minutes he had said to me. I needed to get laid and I couldn’t really think clearly. But remembering my earlier promise to myself I found myself lowering my hand down on Jesse’s thigh. One last try; a Finnish man is always persistent.

Jesse looked at me and I also gained the attention of his chubby friend.
“What is it now?” The question was asked in an almost bored tone.
“Honey, let’s go inside?” I carefully suggested
“Not now, I thought I told you this already?” He snapped coldly, turning his attention back to his whale of a friend.
“Well I ain't going to force you!” I felt angry and rejected and…well, even my persistence has its limits.

‘What the fuck was this? He’d rather talk with that ugly beast than have wonderful, mind blowing sex with his gorgeous boyfriend?!’ I thought as I made my way to the sauna building. ‘Well fine, that's just fine! Have it his way then. He could only blame himself for this! He practically threw me into the arms of another guy. Yes, Jesse is the one to be blamed. Not I, never I.’

I opened the door and slipped into the dim room where I found him already waiting. He had already lost his shirt and was now leaning against the wall, smiling with the promise of what I knew he could offer. He reached out to take my hand.

“I knew you'd come,” He whispered and I allowed him to pull me closer. My lips met his in a slow kiss that would only be the start to something much more. I breathed in his lovely scent, caressing his cheeks with my lips.

I felt his hands behind my back, sneaking their way under my shirt, urging me closer.
“Take this off….” He huskily whispered pulling my shirt up and I allowed him to remove it. It was carelessly tossed somewhere onto the cold concrete floor.

Our kisses turned needier, hungrier for more, and all sense of reality flew out the window, all thoughts of tomorrow. His eyes darkened from lust, to the point where they were almost dark green.
“What about Pete?” I panted, my erection already throbbing and as soon as the question had made itself known from my lips, I found myself regretting it. He did not need a reminder of his boyfriend, or man-friend more like it.

“What about Jesse?” he asked, grinning slightly, opening his red and swollen lips and licking them.

“Jesse who?” I asked, losing myself into the kiss once more. Hands seemed to be everywhere, moaning, breathing, clothes undressed, sounds of intense kissing. I tugged his jeans down and he kicked them all the way off. I practically tore his boxers off, but he didn't seem to care.

“Oh gods, Joni, take me, take me now...” he moaned and it was surely all that I could take, I turned him around, his face meeting with the wall. I spat on my hand, brought it between his buttocks and forced my finger inside him. I felt him going tense and waited before I could feel him relaxing again. “I want you inside me...” he whispered looking at me from over his shoulder.

He didn't have to ask me twice! I looked around, realizing I’d need something to work as a lube; liquid soap, it would have to do. I took some on my palm, rubbing it on myself and on him.
“This might hurt,” I whispered to his ear, before I penetrated him having to use some strength. He yelped and I quickly brought my hand to cover his mouth so that the others wouldn't hear us. Soon enough, Marko started to relax again. He started mimicking my movements, pushing his butt more firmly against me, taking my cock even deeper inside of himself.

“What a horny little slut you are…Does it feel good? I bet it does… I bet you’ve been dreaming about this for so long; dreamed of having my cock buried deep inside your tight ass… Dreamed that I’d fuck you so hard, just like this…” I thrust in and out, faster and faster, listening to his quiet moans of pleasure that brought me even closer to my peak.

I brought my hand down on his cock, stroking it as I kept fucking him. It was hard to stay quiet at a moment like this but I didn’t want anyone to surprise us.

“Oh gods, I'm coming soon,” he finally whispered and I felt his inner muscles contracting around my swollen organ. I heard him panting, at that moment I shot my own seed inside him.

Still resting against him, my forehead against his sweaty shoulder. Trying to catch our own breath.
“That was wonderful...” He whispered.
“Yes, it was...” I admitted. And suddenly the door opened; almost giving me a heart attack. I pulled out of him and tried to pull my pants back up. I looked at the doorway and saw Kim standing there with a shocked expression on his face.

“Joni? Marko? You're cheating on Jesse?” He stuttered and looked at us, his face twisting from disgust. Marko looked as shocked as I was, or maybe even more. He tried desperately to cover himself up. Suddenly I felt calmer as I zipped my pants up and approached Kim, who instantly backed away.

“Oh Kim, you saw nothing here, nothing that would concern you,” I spoke calmly, all the while looking at him.
“Don't even think about telling Pete about this!” Marko hissed from behind me as he was putting his clothes back on.
“They need to know. Jesse needs to know and Pete,” he said, his bottom lip trembling pitifully and his muddy brown eyes looking at me with as much defiance as he could manage to find within him
“No, they do not. Tell them and you'll only break their hearts. Is that what you want? To break Jesse's heart? To see him cry?” I asked.

“No, you cheated on him. It is you who will break his heart! You do not deserve Jesse and you...” He looked at Marko. “You do not deserve Pete.” His round face was filled with anger. ‘Oh, but this was just too easy,’ I thought. I knew guys like him and I knew what strings to pull.

“Well go on; tell them then. But do you really think that they would believe you? They would see you for who you are; a desperate fat guy, who in his jealousy tries to make up stupid stories. I know you like him, I know how you watch him, and I know all the disgusting fantasies you have of Jesse. He is an impossible dream to you; he would never think of you that way. In fact; he would get sick from the mere thought of your hands on him. Trust me, Kim,” I smiled with satisfaction as I saw him starting to cry before he rushed out.

I turned to look at Marko.
“Do you think that he'll tell them?” He asked with worry.
“No, he won't have the guts to tell them,” I assured him with a smile, before picking my shirt up from the floor and put it on. Jesse loved me; he wouldn't believe Kim, no matter how good friends they were. ‘I can be more convincing,’ I thought, and prayed to God that I would be right. I really didn't want to lose him; I loved him, Jesse, I did. I just needed more sex than he could give me.

Chapter 2.

Kim:
I sit on the ground, looking up to the sky, playing with the moist grass under my fingers. It's already past midnight, but it's not even dark yet. The sky is almost purple; coloured by the last light of the sun, the sun that would soon after rise back up, never really setting; June has always been my favourite month for this reason.

I still can't quite believe what I saw; Joni and Marko... But on the other hand, it makes perfect sense.

I've never really liked Joni, and I know just how much that guy loathes me; the disgust in his eyes has always been clear whenever he looks in my direction. And Joni is right; I have feelings for Jesse, I've had feelings for him from the first day that I ever laid my eyes on him. But I can’t understand how Joni could cheat on Jesse. Why would anyone go to another, when they already have such perfection at their side?

Finally I decide to return to the cabin, hoping that the others are already sleeping. I have no wish to meet with Joni or Marko again. I walk towards the front door, heading to the warm bed that will be waiting, but feeling sure that I won't get any sleep this night.

Walking past the lake, I hear something and stop, looking between the cabin and the lake. Knowing I wouldn’t sleep, the choice is easy and so I decide to walk closer to see what caused the noise I heard, well, not really a noise; sounds of the water splashing really. I see him there; Jesse. The warm purple light caresses his beautiful face and figure. Jesse splashes some water on his face, then leans back, wetting his hair, unaware of his secret admirer. Watching him makes my legs feel like jelly; I have to take some support from the birch trunk beside me.

Jesse's hands move on his naked upper body, his eyes close, breathing in the fresh air of the restful summer night.
I can see the smile that plays on his lips; he is looking at the sky now. To me, it is like watching some perfect piece of art, something not quite from this world. He looks like an angel, an angel that has come down from heaven to play in the silent and warm night, enjoying the beauty of the earth. Jesse is beautiful; outside as well as in. How could Joni cheat on him? I’ll never know.

If the impossible would happen, if Jesse were mine, I would always cherish him, treat him like the treasure that he truly is. But Joni is right; he is just an impossible dream. How could an ugly thing like myself ever touch a beauty like Jesse?

In my dreams Jesse wants me, but it will always be just that; a dream. I'm a friend, never a lover. Losing weight, I have tried, I've tried desperately and then grew tired, my family never gives me enough support to succeed, or perhaps that's just an excuse that I give to myself?

Most of my life is spent in dreams of what will never truly happen; dreaming that one day, I could become to look as handsome as Joni is, dreaming that Jesse would see me, see me really for the first time and that he would tell me that he loved me, that he always has. But reality is never as kind as it is in dreams, I know that it isn't, I've learned that a long time ago.

Finally Jesse turns around, sensing the eyes on him, he smiles to me, making my heart beat wildly in my chest.
“Where were you Kim? I was beginning to worry about you.” He asks looking at me with curiosity. 'Joni cheats on you, he cheats, but I love you Jesse.' My heart is screaming, but I fail to voice my thoughts, remembering the cold words of Joni.

“I went for a walk.” I tell him instead and walk closer to the shore. “You're up late, thought you would be sleeping already. Isn't the water freezing this late at night?” I ask then.

“Well you know me; it's such a beautiful night and I would hate missing it completely by sleeping through it. And the water really isn't that cold, come and try it yourself.” Jesse grins.

“Well, I don't know...” I hesitate. “I think I'll pass.” I tell him then, I really don't want Jesse to see me dressed in swimming trunks, I'm too ashamed of my body.

I watch how Jesse swims for a while and then slowly returns towards the shore. “Would you hand me my towel, it's over there, on that rock.” Jesse asks smiling at me. I realize that he is stark naked and I turn my eyes away, blushing. I fear that if I were to look, I won’t be able to help the urge to touch. I give him the towel.
“One could think that you've never seen another man naked before.” Jesse grins, drying himself up.
“I've never seen you.” I could almost hit myself for saying it out loud. When he smiles, I curse myself for blushing again.

“Well, it might be better that you didn't see all of me; the cold water doesn't always flatter some parts of the male body, as I think you know.” Jesse laughs softly.

”Will you stay up with me? We could make a fire to the grill and cook something? Or are you feeling tired already?” Jesse asks, dressing his clothes back on.

“No, I'm not tired at all.” I answer, perhaps a little too quickly. Could I be any more transparent? At times I want to touch Jesse so much that I think I could die. 'An impossible dream, Jesse is just an impossible dream.' I remind myself when I notice that my mind had once again wandered off to thinking what it would be like to kiss him, to make love to him. I want him and I don’t know how to stop wanting.


I sit in front of the fire; Jesse hands me a beer can and sits next to me. I look at him secretly as he’s gazing up to the sky.
“It's just so beautiful." He sighs, his voice almost a whisper. For a moment he stares into the flames, silently before he turns his face to me and he smiles; gentle, soothing. My heart is still pounding furiously as I look at him, in this light, in this night, he’s even more beautiful; the warm light of the fire dancing on his face, shining in his eyes. “I wish that the summer would never end.” He says as he looks around.

“Yes... Although I don't think that the winter would be so bad in the end, if only you had someone to keep you warm.” Did I just say that out loud? 'Desperate... disgusting... ugly fat...' My own pitiful ego started whispering inside my head.

“How's your love life by the way, have you met anyone interesting?” Jesse asks

“I have feelings for this one guy, but I could never have him.” I answer with a quiet voice.

”Why? You never know unless you try.” He encourages and nudges playfully at my side.

“I just know that it wouldn't work, he's way off my team. He is beautiful, thin and as for myself... Well, I am what I am; an overweight pig.” I tell him, staring at the beer can in my hand.

“Kim... You shouldn't think so little of yourself. You're really not that bad to look at... And I'm not just saying this because I’ve been drinking, or because I'm your friend.” He touches my cheek and suddenly I fear to breathe. “You're a pretty cute guy Kim, so you're slightly overweight, but what of that? You're one of the sweetest guys I know and I think that whoever you end up with in the end, will be lucky to have you.” He smiles and removes his hand, immediately leaving me to miss the warmth of his touch. 'Why are you tormenting me so? Why do you touch and smile the way you do? If you knew, if I told you now, would you still remember what you just said, or would you run away?' I look into his blue eyes, wanting to kiss him, wanting it more than I've ever wanted anything in my life... But Jesse fails to see it; can he not read it in my eyes?

”So how's things with you and Joni?” I ask finally, my voice almost sticking to my throat. Jesse is silent for a while looking at me and then towards the fire.
“We're doing fine, Joni is... He's perfect, I love him.” He answers and there’s that smile again, this time it only annoys me though, knowing who it’s for. I would like to grasp his shoulders and shake him to reality. 'Joni is not perfect, Jesse, he does not deserve you!' My heart screams, but still I stay silent. I swallow the disappointment, I swallow the hurt. How could I tell him and watch his heart break before my very eyes? But how can I not tell him and watch from the side as Joni would hold him in his arms, whispering new sweet lies to his ear?

“At times though...” Jesse starts carefully. I look at him in confusion, with hope. “This is probably just silly...” Jesse shakes his head and sighs. “He wants it, like, all the time, or that's what it feels like to me, it's... I just can't keep up with him, nothing seems to be enough... at times it can be pretty pressing. I want to be a good boyfriend, but I just, I feel like I can never be enough…” Jesse admits. He lifts the beer can up to his lips and drinks.
“It's not stupid Jesse; I understand completely what you're saying.” I whisper, I must fight with myself; should I tell him or not?

Chapter 3.

Kim's POV:

”I think that I'll go to sleep after I've taken a shower, it's getting so late.” Jesse says after we have eaten. He yawns and stretches his arms. I look at him, smiling wistfully. I don’t like the thought of Jesse sleeping in his arms, in fact; I do not like the idea of Joni touching him at all, and can anyone blame me for that? I wish that I could take him to my bed; I wish that I could have his warm body close to mine and wake up to his gentle kisses.

Jesse starts dousing the already smouldering fire. I still haven't told him, it just feels so hard to say those words, to speak them out loud. I don't know what to do. What if he would get angry at me for telling? And what if...?

“Are you coming in?” Jesse asks looking at me.

“I'll stay here for a moment.” I tell him. Jesse nods his head and smiles.

“Good night Kim, I'll see you in the morning.”

“Good night Jesse.” I answer and I look after him longingly. I still don't know what to do...

*



Joni:



I'm the first to wake up. I stretch my arms, yawn and turn to lie on my side. I look at Jesse, who is sleeping next to me; the warm light of the morning sun caresses his face and his naked back. He looks so fucking hot right now and looking at him makes me horny again, my cock stands hard against my belly, gods I want to fuck him.

I touch his naked back gently; his back is the prettiest I've ever seen. I run my fingers down his spine, moving lower and lower; down on his buttocks that are covered only by the thin cover. I love the fact that he likes to sleep nude. My fingers meet with the firm satin like skin, I can't help but to squeeze. Jesse awakes from his dream and looks at me, his blue eyes only half way open. His hair is all mixed up; so sexy. I lean in to kiss him as I move my hand on his buttocks; I stroke the skin between them with my fingers.

“I'm tired...” Jesse murmurs, looking at me. He can barely keep his eyes open. I wonder how long he stayed up last night. Kim has kept his mouth shut; lucky for him. Jesse wouldn't be sleeping next to me if he had told him what he saw.

I snuggle close to him, so that he can feel my erection against his side. I kiss his neck, his earlobe. I know how much he likes it when I kiss and suck his earlobes, so I continue it.

“You're not tired baby; I know you want to...” I whisper and start rocking my hips against him like a horny dog. I press his lower back with my hand when he tries to change his position and finally I move on top of him. I kiss his neck again, still moving my hips against him. “Are you clean?” I ask with a whisper.

“Yes, but Joni, I really am tired... I was up so late last night with Kim. I need to get more sleep.” Jesse says, he tries to move from under me, but I manage to hold him down. Damn perverted Kim, devil may take him if he dares to ruin this.

I'm sucking his earlobe again; I'm so fucking hard that it's almost painful. Need to get some ass right now. My ex complained to me once that I was some kind of sex addict, but hey; I'm just a man who enjoys sex; very, very much. I think that it's totally normal. It's good to have a steady boyfriend because then there's always sex available. Well, there are times when they decide to hold back the sex, but I've noted, that often all that you need to do is to be persistent, wear them out to the point where they think it's easier to just give in and if that doesn't work, you'll just have to go and get it from someone else. It really isn't that bad I think, well it kind of is, but you know; what they don't know can't really hurt them. I'm sure that my secret is safe, Kim won't tell, I'm sure that he won't.

I move down on his body, kissing his buttocks, I massage them with my hands, squeezing, I can't help but to bite. I love Jesse's ass, well okay, I also love Marko's ass. I love bums! I take the lube from under the bed; always be prepared. I force Jesse's legs to part and again press him back down from his lower back.

“Joni, I... I'm really tired.” He whispers, but doesn't really say no or ask me to stop so I continue. I'm getting there, he is doubtful, but I know that soon he is quiet and surrenders. Well, he won't stay quiet for long though, I'm going to make him scream my name, I'm going to make him moan so that every one will hear, especially that Kim will hear. I'm evil, I know, but someone has to bring that chubby back to earth.

I lick his hole for a while and then take some lube on my fingers and push them in. Gods he’s tight, he feels even tighter than Marko did, and that boy has a tight ass as well. Damn I'm hard. Jesse tries to move again, feeling my fingers inside, trying to get away, but never telling me to stop and if he really didn’t want me to continue, I know he’d say it.

I can't wait anymore, I massage some lube on my organ, taking my place between his legs, keeping him down from his shoulder, with my other hand I place my cock against his entrance. I start trusting inside; damn it feels good, I gasp. Jesse tries to stay silent, his head is turned to the side, his eyes close and he's nipping his bottom lip. “Lift your hips up for me baby.” I moan and Jesse does what I've asked. I wrap my arm around his waist.

“You're so tight and warm, you look so fucking hot laying there, under me, my dick inside your ass, doesn't it feel good?” I whisper to his ear starting to move inside him. I bring my hand on his cock and find that it's hard too. I stroke him, grinning with satisfaction. I listen to the moans that he's making. I warm up even more, I keep ramming into him using more speed. There's a loud slapping sound as my balls keep hitting his butt cheeks. I move my both hands to his hips. ”Say my name!” Jesse doesn't do it straight away. ”Say my name baby, scream for me.” I insist.

“Jonii!...” I smile wildly. I start fucking him like an animal; don’t even try to keep it quiet. Finally I reach my climax, filling him with my sperm. I lay down on top of him, catching my breath.


“Fuck that was great, felt really good baby.” I whisper, kiss his neck, and stand up. Jesse turns to lie on his back, he looks at me as I start putting my clothes on. “I really need a shower now; you can continue your sleep honey.” I smile and give him some handkerchiefs; in case he wants to clean himself up a bit.

“At times I feel like you're just using me, that all you really care about is your own pleasure, that as long as you get what you want; you're happy.” He says quietly, looking a bit hurt. Oh great, now he starts acting like some woman? Fucking hell...

“What do you mean baby? Of course I care, I care about you.” I tell him in a gentle voice and walk closer, I kneel in front of the bed, he turns to lie on his side. I brush the hair from his forehead; place a kiss on his cheek.

“Then show me that you care, listen to what I want for a change.” He whispers, I don’t like the sadness that I see in his eyes.

”Jesse, I love you, I hope you know that? Next time we'll do just what you want, okay? I'll give you a whole body massage, how does that sound?” I smile at him and Jesse smiles back, he kisses me.

”It sounds great and I love you too.” He whispers then.

I stand up, look gently at him.
“Sleep well my love.” I blow him a kiss, which he grasps from the air and places it on his lips. I leave the room, closing the door softly behind me.

I run into Pete as I am walking towards the shower.

“Sounds like someone had a good wakening.” He says, winking at me.
“Jealous? Tell me if you need tips from the master.” I laugh playfully. Poor Pete; he could actually use them, after all his boyfriend is like all over me. But who could blame him; I'm pretty darn hot, if I dare say so myself. I look at myself from the bathroom mirror, running my fingers through my black hair. I smile to my reflection, satisfied with what I see. I start undressing and after I'm done, I take a long, hot shower.

Chapter 4.

Jesse:


Damn my ass is sore; it's the first thought on my mind when I finally decide to get up from bed. I wrap a towel around my waist and seek some clean clothes to wear. I'm in need of a warm shower.

Pete walks in my direction and looks at me with a stupid grin on his face.
“Slept well darling?” He asks. For some reason he's obsessed with calling me darling. I wonder how his boyfriend would like that.
“Mmh...” Is my only reply, before I hurry past him towards the bathroom.



“I made you some breakfast bunny.” Joni tells me with a sweet voice when I walk into the kitchen, after my shower. He pulls me close and kisses my neck. I wonder what got into him? And bunny? He's never used that one before. I look at him in a confused manner as Joni guides me to sit in front of the table.


Kim walks into the room and glances at me in a funny way, he doesn't even return the smile I give him or answer when I wish him good morning. I start to worry; have I said or done something last night to make him upset with me? I guess this is why you should never drink alcohol...

”Do you not like it? You should eat it now bunny, I made it just for you.” Joni asks with a pout on his face. What in the world is this sudden bunny thing? I look at the plate in front of me: cheese and tomato omelette, toast and some fresh strawberries and fruits. I taste the omelette.
“It's really good, thank you honey.” I give him a quick kiss on the cheek and a smile. He isn't the type of a guy who does things like this very often, but when he does, he does a great job with it. It makes me appreciate him even more.


***************

Everyone is looking at me, at us, a bit oddly today. They keep grinning at us and making stupid jokes. One could think that they've never heard anyone having sex before. One could think that they're just a bunch of teenagers, rather than adults.

”What's up wild cat?” Sami asks with a sly smile, when I walk towards the shore. I roll my eyes, pretend that I haven’t heard him.

I sit on the pier and soak my legs in the cool water. I close my eyes; enjoying the warmth of the summer sun.

Marko's sudden laughter disturbs my relaxing moment; the dock is swaying with his footsteps.
“Had a good session this morning, now did you? It sure was loud to say the least.” He laughs, his cool hand touching my neck, I have no idea why. I shrink back and turn to look at him from over my shoulder.
“It was mind blowing, like always.” I tell him.

Marko stretches his arms, walks to the end of the pier and then poses like some runway model. I gaze towards the cabin; Joni, Pete, Sami and Tuomas sit on the terrace, Riku is trying to light the fire in the grill, but fails as he becomes too concentrated on staring Marko's butt. They all look at him, as he keeps showing himself off; clearly enjoying the attention that he is getting. To my annoyance, I can see that Joni is watching him as well and I can see, even from this far distance, that there's more in that look than just innocent curiosity.

Marko looks at me, grins and starts undressing his shorts, revealing the rest of his perfect body.

Marko kind of reminds me of Paris Hilton, from the 'simple life' tv show, you know? He is like the male Paris Hilton; a blond, who doesn't have much going inside that pretty head of his. He flirts with like everyone and I'm pretty sure that he cheats on Pete whenever he gets a chance to do so.

I take another look at Pete, who is staring at his boyfriend from where he's sitting. Pete is the oldest in our group; he's thirty, already loosing his hair and gaining a bit of a beer belly; not someone that you would look at twice if you'd pass him by on the street. Marko is my age; which is 19. We're the youngest ones here, we went to the same junior high school, but we were never really friends.

The reasons of why Marko is with Pete; a) Pete is rich, b) Pete owns this luxury cabin and a big seaside house in Helsinki and c) Pete is rich. So, as you might have already noted; a) and c) are indeed the same thing and that b) is kind of the same thing too. And as for the reasons that Pete is with Marko? A) Marko is good looking, b) Marko is a blonde, who has a great body and c) Marko is a young, good looking blonde, who isn't spoiled with much sense. And again you probably noticed that a, b and c are in fact the same thing.

Marko jumps into the water, disappearing under the surface.
“Come and swim with me Jesse.” He says as he appears back up, he swims close to me and starts pulling my leg.
“Stop it.” I snap at him. I'm really not interested in joining his stupid games.

He forces my legs apart and comes standing between them, keeping his hands on my knees.
“What do you want?”
“Don't always be such a tight ass Jesse.” He whispers, his hands moving up my thighs, until he wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me closer to the edge, closer to his stomach. A moment of confusion takes over me, as I feel Marko's hot breath on my skin. He looks up; the beautiful green blue eyes of his sparkling, his blond hair wet, lips slightly parting. He grins, looks towards the cabin and then slowly back at me.

I turn my head towards the cabin as well, only to notice that everyone is watching us. Joni looks slightly odd, Pete looks interested.

”You're in need of a bath.” Marko whispers suddenly and with one quick movement he pulls me under the water with him.

“You're such an arsehole!” I scream as I pull back to the surface. I try to get back to the shore, but Marko wraps his arms around me and pulls me deeper with him.

Marko laughs as I keep squirming and for awhile we wrestle in the cool water. The fact that he's completely nude suddenly dawns on me completely, as I feel it against my back. Now is it just me, or is he getting slightly turned on by this? “Damn it Marko, grow up will you!” I snap at him as I finally manage to get free of his hold. I walk quickly towards the cabin.

”Bunny, what's wrong?” Joni asks with a babbling voice, when I walk past him.
“A bunny is up your arse!” I snap and close the front door with a loud bang, after I've gotten in. I'm not exactly sure why I'm acting the way that I do and dimly I realize that I'm acting like some woman during her period, but I don't care. I can have a tantrum if I feel like it; damn it!


After I've changed my clothes, I walk back into the kitchen and find Kim sitting there, in front of the table. He stares at the half full glass of orange juice in front of him, looking thoughtful. I sit opposite from him.
“Kim, is everything alright?” I ask carefully. He glances at me and then back at his hands. “Have I done something wrong?” I ask when I get no reply. Kim takes a deep breath.
“Why do you let him use you?” He asks, looking at me.
“Excuse me?”
“Just yesterday, you were complaining about how it makes you feel so uneasy, when Joni is always all over you. Then this morning; you're moaning like some slut in heat, so that every one of us can hear how he fucks you. Do you not have any pride what so ever?”


I look at him with shock written all over my face. Never did I imagine that I would hear something like that from his lips.
“A slut? Is that what you think of me? Joni is my boyfriend and of course I want to have sex with him. I thought you were my friend and not someone to judge me.” I stand up, looking at him with disappointment and hurt.

Kim stands up after me, takes a hold of my arm. I look at him, waiting. His eyes are glimmering with tears and I can't understand what's going on.
“Jesse, I'm sorry, I didn't mean... I just...” He starts, swallowing nervously, his eyes meet with mine. ”It doesn't mean that when you're with someone, that you should just surrender to them even though you wouldn't want it.” He tells me. I'm more than surprised now, he really thinks that... Oh, he thinks that Joni is forcing me in some way? His worry is both touching and amusing at the same time.

”Don't worry Kim; I have not done anything that I wouldn't have wanted. Forget about what I said, I was drunk and I... just forget it. Everything is alright, I wanted it, and I wouldn't have done it if I hadn't.” I assure him. Kim looks like he wants to say something else; he is already opening his mouth, but clearly hesitates.

”I really am sorry Jesse, about what I said. It was stupid.” He says finally.
“It's alright, really; it is.” I assure and place my hand on his shoulder. Kim looks at my hand and then at me in a funny way.


”Jesse, we need more beer and more food to grill. Since you're the only one with a driving licence who hasn't had any alcohol yet, would you mind driving to the store?” Riku, who has just walked into the kitchen, asks.
“Yes sure, no problem.” I answer. I think I can use one moment alone right now, since everyone has been acting so weird today and since I still find myself feeling a bit jealous of the way that Joni looked at Marko.


I'm just starting up the car when the passenger side door opens and who else, but my favourite blonde; Marko jumps in next to me. “What is it now?” I ask.
“I'm coming with you.” He tells me sweetly and smiles.
“I don't want you with me.”
“Too bad, because I'm coming anyway. Unless you want to buy the things I need for me, I could write a list for you, but it would take some time.” He smiles again. I sigh; I do not have the energy to fight with him about this now.
”Well okay, but keep your mouth shut, I'm not in the mood to talk.” I tell him and turn on the radio.
“You really should try to relax a bit Jesse, one could think that you haven't gotten any in ages; that it would be the reason of why you're so tense all the time, but on the other hand; we all heard what happened this morning. So just take that stick out of your arse.” Marko grins.
“Take that dildo out of yours.” I snap and Marko only laughs. God this will be a long shopping trip; trapped with the male Paris Hilton... Lord help me...

Chapter 5.

Marko turns the music on louder and starts singing along. I glance at him quickly; his eyes are closed and he is swinging to the beat of the music.

“Did I not ask you to be quiet?” I ask finally and try to move my thoughts away from his beautiful singing voice. Marko stops, looks at me; blinking his big eyes and then he smiles, looking disturbingly innocent.

“I thought you said that you weren't in the mood to talk, I didn't realize that singing was also forbidden.” He answers turning his head slightly to the side.

“Well it is, I asked you to keep quiet.” I answer; I don't know why I'm being so rude to him.

“Someone definitely has a hat on too tight today.” He sighs and turns the music down a bit, staying quiet himself. After awhile I look at him again, he is still swinging with the music, his lips are moving but no sound comes out. A smile appears on my lips; it's amazing that something goes through even the thick head of Mr. Paris Hilton.


Finally we reach the nearest market. I drive to the parking lot and park the car. Marko jumps out and starts hopping towards the entrance; I mean literately hopping.

“Baby come on!” He calls me. I would like for the ground to swallow me at this point. Three guys that are leaning against the wall of the store are looking at us in a bad way. I wonder briefly if Marko is trying to get us both killed by acting so gay. I hurry after him to the store; I don't want to stay and find out.

That guy must have a screw loose somewhere, I think to myself as I watch Marko jumping around happily in the store like some kid on Christmas morning.

“Jesse, Jesse come and take a look; there's some funny looking thing over here, I wonder what it is? What do you do with this? ...Oh there, my favourite! Must have! Delicacy pudding! Do you want some? I wonder if the others like them...” He thinks to himself and apparently decides to take enough for everyone; just in case. He brings the puddings into the shopping cart. I wonder; what belly does he eat those with??

“Pete doesn't like me eating treats too much. He says that if I get fat; he'll dump me, but my metabolism has always been fast and well, I don't really eat sweets that much, but I like these delicacy puddings.” He explains to me. Oh, isn't he cute. I smile. Wait; hold back there for a moment, I did not just think that Mr. Paris Hilton is cute?!



The three men from earlier are standing behind us in the queue to the counter. Marko looks at them, sucking on his bottom lip, a thoughtful expression on his face. Finally he leans in closer to me.
“What do you think Jesse, have those guys ever heard of a thing like shower? They smell bad, they smell like cows.” He whispers.
“Shh...we talk in the car.” I tell him, I'm afraid that those guys might hear us and kick our arses once we get outside. They don't look at all friendly and Marko is right about their smell. I carefully sniff my nose at it.


I place the groceries in the trunk. Marko is already sitting in the car, he didn't even offer to help, I even had to carry most of the shopping packs by myself. Well, it would be a great tragedy indeed, if Marko happened to break a nail or something. I've come back to my senses; Marko is not cute, he is not sweet, he is just an annoying blonde with air placing the space where you should find the brains.

“Where are you ladies going?” I hear a voice from behind me, –great, it’s those three big, cow smelling jerks from earlier. I walk over to the driver’s side of the car and open the door. I decide not to answer. Personally; I don't see any ladies at present. I look at Marko, who seems to be checking out his nails at the moment. Well okay, I see one who is a bit questionable. “Hey, we're talking to you!” One of them yells. Still, I see no reason to answer. I sit in the car and close the door after me. I start the car and drive off the parking place.

I soon notice that those jerks are following us with their car, the traffic is slow and they are practically right behind our rear. I soon become a nervous wreck. Marko places a cd into the player, and soon a man’s voice starts singing in Russian. My palms are sweating; I gaze through the rear-view mirror.

“Russians are so hot; don't you think that Russians are hot Jesse?” Marko asks.

“What?” I have a hard time concentrating, other than the fact that those guys are probably trying to get us off the road. “I like Russians...” Marko continues. Is he like completely oblivious of what's happening here?!

“Dammit.” I curse, I don't usually curse, but I think that it's allowed in a situation like this. Marko looks at me and then to the back window, then back to stare at the road ahead of us.

“You missed our intersection.” He points out calmly. I sigh fretfully; I'm not good in a situation like this. I haven't even had my license that long, I'm beginning to panic; big time. We are going to get killed, aren't we? And my last moments are spent with this blonde with air in his head while this Russian guy is singing his heart out...
“Shit.”

“Calm down Jesse, we're going to make it. I've never heard you cursing before.” Marko smiles, how on earth can he be so calm?

“You do realize that those guys are trying to force us off the road?” I snap at him. Once again he looks out from the back window.

“They must be pretty horny, for trying to get some ass from two gay guys.” He says and continues. “How typical; long enough time spent without the warmth of a woman and then they're not so straight after all.” He sighs. I look at him quickly and then back at the road ahead of us.

“Marko, I'm pretty sure that this is not about that, this is about those guys hating gay people and therefore they want to beat us up, or kill us, or something!”

“Oh, you're still so sweet and innocent, that it's almost touching really.” Marko smiles. I decide not to even try and understand his logic anymore, until he decides to explain it. "One of the guys pinched my arse in the queue and whispered something that I'm sure you don't want to hear right now... I didn't take him for real though, I guess I should have."

“Fuck, what should I do? Where should I drive.” I ask him. I don't know this area well.
“Just calm down. Turn left here.” Marko advises me and still I find it amazing how calm he is. I listen to the advise and turn to a narrow sand road.
“I'm not so sure about this.” I tell him as I keep driving and notice that we are still being followed and now we are in some secluded forest road, with no witnesses.

“Trust me Jesse, I promise you that nothing bad is going to happen to us.” Marko tries to calm me. “Turn right and soon after that turn left.” He continues.

A small lakeside cabin comes to my vision.
“Drive to the yard of that cabin.” Marko tells me.


An old lady, who was squatting on the ground, implanting some flowers, stands up and looks at us with surprise on her face as we get out of the car. Our followers have parked their car a little further away.

Marko is smiling wildly, he walks over to the woman and gives her a hug.
“I'm so happy to see you; it's been such a long time!” He shrieks. The woman hugs him back.
“Well it sure is.” She says then, looks at me and then back at Marko. She seems a bit confused. I hear as the car starts and drives off. I sigh with relieve; at least we got rid of them.

“Heikki, come and see who's here.”

“What are you going on about Irmeli?” An old man steps out of the cabin onto the terrace. He looks at Marko and then at me.

“Uncle Heikki! I'm so happy to see you!” Marko smiles and rushes over to hug the man. “I know, I've grown so much, the last time we met, I was like this.” He lifts his hand to his hip to demonstrate.
“Yes, you sure have grown boy.” The man notes and looks at his wife. “Don't you think so too Irmeli?”

“Yes indeed he has. What a handsome young man you've become, you and your friend.”


“Well would you boys like some coffee?” The woman asks.

“Yes, we would love some!” Marko smiles.

We move inside, the woman is offering some buns and cookies for us. Marko chats with them in a happy and carefree manner. I'm eating my cookie and I look at them wondering why Marko didn't tell us that he had relatives around here.

“Well, we should go now. We bought some milk from the store and it turns sour if it stays in the warmth too long.” Marko says finally and stands up. I stand up after him.

“It was nice that you could visit. I hope that you'll visit us more often from now on.” Irmeli says and gives Marko a hug.

“Of course. Have a nice weekend, I'll call you!” Marko promises with a smile and hugs her back, he then gives a hug to the man as well. Who seems a bit surprised by this, I guess he's not a hugger type, but at least he doesn't complain.

***************

“So who were they?” I ask when we are driving back to Pete's cabin.

“Heikki and Irmeli.” Marko says simply.

“No, I mean, were they like your relatives or?”

“No, they were Heikki and Irmeli, I've never even met them before!” Marko starts to laugh. I look at him in confusion.

“So what you are saying, is that we just sat there having coffee with complete strangers?”

“Yes, it's nice to meet new people, don't you agree? I told you not to worry.” He smiles brightly. I am amazed. Suddenly Marko seems a lot more interesting than he did before; suddenly it seems that he does have a brain after all.

When we reach the cabin we are both laughing our arses off. We’ve been wondering what the couple may have been thinking after we left and if they ever even noticed that they didn't even know either of us from before.

Joni:

Finally I hear as the car drives down to the driveway. I was beginning to get worried. I know that Jesse isn't a big fan of Marko and I don't think that Marko is that crazy about Jesse either. After all Jesse is my boyfriend and Marko might be little jealous of that.

I walk outside, my intention is to pull my baby into my arms and kiss him senseless. I stop in my tracks as I see the two of them. Marko and Jesse are joking and laughing together? Okay what's this then?

To see your boyfriend and the guy with whom you cheated on him laughing together as if they were the best of friends, isn't something that you want to see. It's wrong on so many different levels. I liked it more when they were wrestling in the water together, that was hot, but this? This I don't like.

I hear as someone steps next to me and I turn my head to see who it is; Kim. He looks at me and then at Jesse and Marko with a sneer on his face. I guess he can see just how little I like the new turn of things.

“Interesting, wouldn't you agree?” He whispers with a mean voice, a voice that I didn't know he had in him. He leaves before I have the time to reply.

“What took you so long hon?” I ask when following Jesse into the kitchen. I wrap my arms around him and kiss his cheek. Marko is un-packing the groceries, he glances at me briefly and then continues what he's doing.

“Well, when we left the store, there were these cow-smelling jerks that followed us with their car. I thought they were going to kill us...” Jesse laughs looking at Marko, who is now looking back at him. “I drove by our intersection by mistake, but then Marko helped me and we ended up having coffee with this old couple. Marko acted as though he knew them, when he really didn't!” Jesse explains to me enthusiastically and then they both laugh. Okay...I missed the joke in this completely...

“So let me get this right; some men were chasing you when you left the store and you ended up having coffee with some people you didn't know?” I really am trying to get the funny thing that apparently lies here somewhere.

“Yes, that's right! Heikki and Irmeli!” They both started to laugh again.

“Okay...” I look at them and roll my eyes; this really is kind of scary...

 

Chapter 6.

Jesse:

I've been watching him for the whole evening, not really sure why. Joni is holding me close, kissing my neck, caressing my body. I know that by night, he would want me again.

Marko sits on Pete's lap, where Pete captured him about twenty minutes earlier. At times our eyes meet, and then he turns his gaze away from me as if he would feel ashamed. I can't help but to think what is going on inside his mind. He’s smiling, but now I can see through it, and I know that the smile just a mask of some kind.

Pete is touching him, kissing him, treading him as though he would be nothing more than just another thing that he owns. I wonder why I have never noticed it before.

We're eating outside and Joni is feeding me; I guess he likes putting things into my mouth.

Once again, I look at Marko. He is about to take some bread, but Pete removes it from his hands, placing it down.
“You've eaten enough dear, I do not want you getting fat, and I'm sure that you don't either.” I hear Pete telling him and Marko resigns, nodding his head. I frown at this. I've been watching him and I know that he hasn't eaten enough to be full. He only ate some tuna salad and for a guy of our age and size, it just isn't enough. After looking at Kim's direction, I notice, that he too stops eating at this. Pete is such a jerk! I think to myself.

“Baby, you should eat some more.” Joni urges and gives me a sandwich that he made. I look at him with a warm smile; I'm glad that my man isn't keeping me in hunger.
“Did you hear what Pete said? He's such a jerk, controlling Marko's eating like that. That guy needs more to eat.” I whisper to him.

“What do you care of it? It's not our business hon. and besides; Marko is a big boy already, he can take care of himself.” Joni whispers back to me. ”Later tonight I'm going to give you that massage we talked about earlier.” Joni changes the subject and kisses my cheek. I know what would follow that massage. It's seems to be impossible for Joni to handle my naked body without it leading to sex and more importantly; his cock ending up into my butt. That guy loves anal-sex; but only if he gets to be the one on top.

The air is getting chillier as the evening progress; the sky is painted with the colours of pink and gold. The others are starting to move inside. I watch as Marko is walking to the shore and sitting at the end of the pier. He’s only dressed in shorts and a t-shirt.

“Are you coming honey?” Joni asks.
“I'll be there in a moment, okay?” I tell him with a soft smile.
“Okay.” Joni answers, kisses me and leaves inside.

I dress more warmly and get my coat, one quick trip into the kitchen and then I'll return back outside. I walk towards the pier and Marko turns his head to look at me briefly. I sit next to him.

“Here.” I say as I give him one of the puddings he bought and a cheese sandwich. His eyes brighten and he looks surprised.
“For me?”
”Well, I wouldn't be giving them to you if they weren't.” I tell him with gentle amusement. He takes them and smiles back carefully.
“Thank you.” I can see that he's cold, the blond hairs on his arms and legs are slightly up - I take my coat and place it gently on his shoulders, I get even more surprised look back from him. I am a little surprised as well from my sudden care for him. Wasn't it just this morning when I still hated the blond sitting next to me? Well maybe hate is too strong for it, but at least I didn't like him much, and now? Now something is different; something that leaves me confused and curious about him. Suddenly I feel the need to get closer to him, to solve the secret of him.

I look at him quietly when he eats; he almost devours the whole sandwich. He looks at me in an embarrassed manner.
“I'm sorry; I usually have much better eating habits.” He explains.
”I don't mind...” I tell him. Marko smiles and then starts eating his pudding.
“Is it good?” I ask him.
“Yes, you wanna taste it?” He offers it closer to me.
“No, it's your delicacy.” I chuckle softly. He looks at me with curiosity and smiles back. For a moment we are both silent.

”A penny for your thoughts?” I ask then. He looks at me, laughs quietly.
“Shouldn't it be a cent from your thoughts? We're living in the euro time after all.” He grins and I notice some very light coloured freckles on the sides of his nose. I've never noticed them before and now it only makes his face even more interesting to look at.
“Why change something old and proven good?” I grin back.

He gazed towards the horizon and sighed deeply.
“What is it?” I ask quietly.
“Why are you so nice to me all of a sudden?” Marko asks our eyes meeting.
”Um... well I... Maybe I want to get to know you better.” I tell him.
“Well, you shouldn't be so nice to me, I don't deserve it.”
“Why do you think that way?” Taking a deep breath he answers:
“I've done a lot of things, things that I'm not so proud of, things that... Well, I've you knew everything about me, then you would never want to speak to me again.” He says, without looking at me.
“Maybe you just think that those things are bad, when they're really not.” I try to comfort him. He smiles slightly.

”What changed Jesse? Just this morning you hated me or at least thought that I was just an airhead blond, whose whole world stops when seeing a mirror somewhere...” I'm opening my mouth to protest. Marko laughs. ”Don't even try to deny it. I'm not stupid, I know how the world sees me and maybe... just maybe, they're not entirely wrong.” A moment of silence passes between us before he continues. “So, what changed? Why this sudden friendliness?”
“Maybe I saw a different side of you today, a side, that for some reason or another you're trying so desperately to hide. And maybe I got interested; maybe I've been totally wrong about you.” I answer. I dimly realize that alcohol is affecting on the things I say, but every word is true.

”What in the world; Jesse Swanström admits that he might be wrong? Has the world gone mad?!” Marko laughs and I look at him with a raised brow. His laughter stops.

”I'm sorry; I'm not so good when it comes to serious conversations.” He tells me and wraps my coat around himself more tightly; I notice how he is exploring it with his hands, a small smile on his lips. “No one has ever before given their jacket for me, when I've been cold.” He says then, looks at me and smiles. But even now, he can't look at me for a long-time so he turns his eyes back towards the lake.

”Do you love Pete?” I ask quietly. Marko laughs again and stares in front of him.
“No.” Is the quick reply without any hesitation. “I do not love Pete anymore than he loves me. This relationship is only based on sense; we both get what we need out of it; he has the money and I've got the youth and the looks. Love is a just a fairytale...There is no such thing as love, not for real. And the sooner you learn it; the better... Someday Pete will get tired of me, I'll grow too old for him and he’ll want someone younger.”

I wonder what's happened to him, to make him so cynical already at the age of 19. What has happened to this boy, to make him hide who he truly is? I've seen a glimpse and I know now that underneath all that act lays someone so much more complicated person, so much deeper than what I've given him a credit for.

“I don't know what kind of life you've been living, but it's pretty sad if you don't believe in love.”
“Do you think that Joni loves you? Do you love him?”
“Yes I do, and I know that he loves me as well.” Marko shakes his head, looking even sadder now. ”Joni is my first and my last. I believe in us.” I add. He looks at me in amaze.
“Do you really believe in that?”
“Why shouldn't I? I believe that a man can live his life with just one partner. Why should you be running around, always searching for something new, when you've already found one good person to care for?”
“You really are sweet Jesse.” Marko sighs, silence follows.

”A confession; at junior high school, I had a major crush on you, from the beginning of seventh grade.” Marko finally brakes the silence.
“Oh, you had?” I ask with a surprise. He nods his head slowly, smiles and nips his bottom lip.
“You were so incredibly cute back then; your hair all rumpled up, big, curious blue eyes... Well, you're still cute and your hair is just the same. You’re just the same as then, but in grown up packet. Though, I'd say that now you're more handsome than you are cute.” Marko blushes slightly, again; he doesn't seem to dare to look at me. I'm so surprised that at first I don't find words to say.

”Why didn’t you come to talk to me before, if you felt that way?” I ask finally.
“Would you have listened? I mean lets face it Jesse; we were hanging out in totally different groups. You were first-class student; good grades, good in sports, good in everything. You were liked by everyone; teachers and students and as for myself... well I was the little trouble maker, the one who talked back to teachers and did so poorly in every subject. And I did notice how you and your little Swedish group always looked at me; like I wasn't worthy, and you still do that. But because of you, I wanted so much to do better, to be better... but I was never strong enough to make it, and I'll never will be. I'll always ruin everything, everything important.” Marko speaks quickly and then he looks frightened.

“Marko, I...” I start and try to take a hold of his hand, but he quickly stands up.
“Thanks for lending me the jacket.” He says, takes it off and hands it to me. The pier sways from his quick steps and I look after him as he disappears inside the cabin.

I stand up slowly, run my fingers through my hair and sigh. Suddenly I'm more confused than I've ever been. A part of me would want to run inside after him, hug him, kiss him, and tell him that everything is alright. Somehow I feel like he needs someone to tell him that. What's wrong with me? I love Joni...

Only when I get to the terrace, I notice Kim sitting there, on a chair that's pulled close to the railing. He looks straight at me, smoking a cigarette; I thought that he had given that habit up ages ago. His gaze is so intensive that it makes me shudder

“You've had a busy night.” He says with dark voice. I bend my head slightly to the side wondering why he sounds so hurt. I walk closer.
“What do you mean?”
“You haven't really even noticed my existent.” Kim says, still staring at me. I know right away that he's drank too much. I sit down on a chair next to him.

”It's been an odd day. You could have come and talk to me yourself, if you wanted.” I answer and lean backwards on the chair. Kim puts his cigarette away. I close my eyes.
“I saw you talking with Marko.”
“Oh...”
”And all of a sudden Marko is nice from your opinion?” He asks and I open my eyes. I look at him frowning. He seems so odd about this.
“Well yes, actually Marko is pretty nice.” I tell him, watching his reaction. He lifts his hands up on his face and sighs deeply, almost with hurt. He then looks back at me again.

”Jesse, you're my friend, my best friend and I... I must be honest with you, there's something that I've been hiding for too long and I can not stay silent for a moment longer.” Kim takes my hands in his. I'm too confused to react; I'm just staring at him, my face revealing my complete surprise. Kim sighs, his hand moves up on my cheek and he caresses my skin with tenderness.

“I love you Jesse.” And at that moment my whole world stops for a moment, but not in a pleasant way. No, not this, anything but this! I feel frozen, I can't move. “Joni is not good enough for you... he cheats... you deserve better... you're beautiful… Let me love you...” Half of what he's saying goes un-heard by me. I stumble as I’m standing up. He stands up after me.

“Jesse, listen...” He presses me against the wall, and then it happens; his lips on my own, his bigger, fatter body is keeping me on place and the kiss is wet and awkward. His tongue forces its way into my mouth and I feel sick, literally sick. Kim is my friend, my best friend, like a brother to me. I feel really ill. No, not this, why is this happening? Alcohol, it must be the alcohol. I try to push him away and finally I have to use all my strength to succeed in it.

He stumbles backwards and looks at me in confusion and with hurt, we are both breathing heavily.
“This was a mistake Kim, you've drank too much… a mistake. I'm with Joni. You've drank too much, yes, that's just it; drank too much. It will all be back to normal when the morning comes.” I keep repeating in some kind of a panic state. I rush towards the door and into the cabin. The door closes after me.

”Jesse, didn't you hear me? Just listen to me!...Dammit...”

TBC.

Chapter 7.

Pete is laying on the bed, wearing only his underwear. When he sees me walking into the room, he places his book down and takes the reading glasses from his face. I know that he's been waiting for me.

I do not say a word as I start undressing and I know that he's looking at me closely. I suddenly feel so cheap; I despise myself.

I think of Jesse and I despise myself even more. When I was talking with him today, when I sat beside him in the car, I realized that all the emotions that I had for him are still there. But I've managed to ruin everything as completely as a person can ruin everything. I had a very little chance of getting Jesse to warm up to me from the start with and then I went and had sex with his boyfriend. Why? I'm not even sure anymore. Maybe I thought that Joni is the closest that I can ever get to Jesse.

If Jesse didn't hate me before, then he'll certainly hate me once everything comes out in the open. And things like this seem to always have their way of getting revealed in the end. A depressed sigh escapes from my lips.

“Come here baby...” Pete calls from the bed with a husky voice, once I'm undressed to my underwear. I look at him, feeling tired. He is rubbing his hard organ through his boxers: I've never really had to do much to get him hard. Apparently, only taking my clothes off in front of him is enough.

I force my trademark smile on my lips, look at him from under my brows and walk smoothly towards the bed. Slowly I undress the last piece of clothing that I have on and climb on his lap. His other arm comes around my waist and with the other one he takes a handful of my hair inside his palm and bends my head back. I feel his lips on my neck, his throbbing organ against my belly. He’s sucking on my neck, leaving a mark that would show everyone that I am his.

I close my eyes, pretend that it's Jesse who is touching me like this and not him. I bite down on my lower lip and moan as his hands are squeezing my ass. He lifts me up slightly, his cock massaging the skin between my buttocks.

”What do you want Marko?” He whispers with lusty voice.

“I want... I want to be fucked...I want you to fuck me...” I moan out the answer that he wants to hear. He turns me forcefully to lie on the bed on my stomach and immediately climbs on top of me. He wants it rough, I know it, I’ve gotten used to it, I’m not worthy of gentle loving. Wrapping his arm under my waist he lifts my hips up and I move so that my bum is up, my knees against the bed, but my upper body is lying down. He slaps my bottom with his hand and I hiss from pain, trying to stay as quiet as I can.

“Again...” I ask quietly. I deserve to be punished for what I did and I want to feel pain, only so that I would feel something else beside this emptiness and sorrow. I get what I ask; again and again. I feel my skin burning and I can only imagine how red my buttocks are by now.

Pete takes the lube and makes a hasty preparation. I close my eyes tightly and grit my teeth's feeling him starting to position himself, he takes a firm hold of my hips and with one strong thrust he penetrates me; I feel like screaming, but manage to hold it in. Tears of pain have filled my eyes and I try to blink them away.

”Harder,” I hear myself asking and I can almost see the smile on his lips. The secure and familiar pain mixed with pleasure takes over me. But for some reason it doesn't fill me like it once did before. Tears are running down on my cheeks as I'm asking for more; rougher, faster, harder. But nothing helps; the emptiness is still inside me, the pain in my chest. And finally Pete reaches his peak, the orgasm that he was after for. I didn’t reach mine, it doesn’t matter, I needed punishment, I got it whether or not he was aware of giving me on.

Pete lies down with satisfaction relaxing his body, ready to go to sleep. I myself am not, I stand up, every step is painful, but I ignore the pain as well as I can. I head out towards the bathroom.
“Baby, where are you going?” Pete asks.
“I'm going to take a shower.” I answer quietly and leave the room.

I don't know how long I've been standing under the warm spray of water that caresses my body, I feel so exhausted of everything. I lean against the cold tile wall, massaging the water on my face with two hands. Why am I feeling this odd? I think of Jesse, I hate myself and it feels hard to breathe. My head is pounding, my eyes are burning. “Idiot...a slut... stupid slut...” I tell myself quietly and hit my head against the wall a few times.

Finally I force myself out of the shower and dry myself up. New tears in my eyes, but I force them to dry. What the hell is wrong with me? I can not bring myself to return to Pete just yet and so I go out.

It's getting even chillier, dark clouds are beginning to gather; it smells like rain. At least this time I was bright enough to take my own coat. Jesse's coat felt so much better on my shoulders though, why is that? Why am I thinking about him? I know that he can never, ever like me the way that I would like him to.

“You're just as big of a whore as your mother was!” I remember my dad yelling at me. I was 14 when he said it for the first time. I was fourteen, when I lost my virginity to the older brother of my best friend. I was young and naive; I thought that by giving him what he wanted to have, I would have the love that I longed for. I was wrong, so wrong. My first time was painful, awkward and all in all quite displeasing experience. I didn't only loose my virginity back then; I also lost my best friend.

I'll never forget the expression on Ville's face when he entered his brother’s room and saw us before we had gotten our clothes back on. After that day, he's never spoken a one word to me, not even though we were going at the same school and sat in the same class for two more years. Now, if I see him somewhere, he might look at me, but never speaks to me. I can not blame him, but it sure doesn't feel nice either. We had been best friends from the age of four.


And his older brother, Olli? Well, he also stopped calling me and never once even looked at my direction if we happened to be at the same place at the same time together. At the age of 16, I was out in the city one night, getting drunk with my friends and I happened to run into him. Olli would have been very keen on having some ass from me again, I told him to fuck off. He muttered an apology, told me that it was Ville who had told him to stay away from me. That it was because of his wish that he hadn't contacted me afterward. I didn't believe him then and I still don't. What happened back then though left bigger scars than what I've ever really allowed myself to admit.

My drunken father lost his last respect of me when I told him that I was gay. In my confused state; after loosing my virginity and my friend, I cried at home and told my father everything that had happened. “Well that will teach you from lowering yourself in woman's place, whoring yourself to other men; that is what you get.” I remember him telling me. From that day on he would often call me a whore or a slut, always remembering to mention my mother in the same sentence. He also started to believe that I wasn't even his son, not for real, and that was the thing to hurt me the most.

Dad didn't always drink, he didn't always hate me and he didn't always hate the world. I dimly remember a time when we were a pretty happy family. But then came the depression at early 1990's and our family was one of those family's that it affected on the most. Dad lost his job, we had big loans to pay and that was when he started drinking. Mom became subdued, she lost the joy of life and then one day she just left us. I still remember that day, I was nine years old, she told me that she was going to the store to buy some milk; she kissed my forehead and waved at me from the yard. Then she was gone; I've never heard from her again. I cried many nights, kept hoping that one day she would return for me, that she would tell me that she had money now and that she would build a new life for us, dad would stop drinking and we'd be happy again. It never happened though...


Only recently I've started to realize just how wrong Olli did back then. He was the same age that I am now and I was only 14, I was a depressed child, whose home life was close to hell. Olli started coming closer to me, when I was only 11-years old. I was just a kid; I didn't realize that there was anything odd about the fact that a sixteen year old, a brother of my best friend, started calling me so often that a guy his age wanted to spend time with a kid my age. I remember looking up to him, I remember feeling flattered that he was so interested about the things I did or said. To my eyes; a sixteen year old was practically a grown up.

He did like to touch me a lot, touching me in places that at first, made me feel a bit uncomfortable. He said that he just liked me so much and that was how a person would touch if they liked each others, the way older people do, he said that I was growing up so fast. Then I started liking these touches; it was our little secret he said. I had always liked secrets.

At seventh grade I noticed that I had a huge thing for a boy called Jesse, a new feeling in my body, new kind of pleasure. I told Olli about my crush, told him that I think I liked boys more than girls. He smiled, I remember his smile so clearly, he said that I should practice; he said that he could teach me. He wanted me to touch his penis, he wanted me to kiss it, he wanted to touch mine, and I did it, I let him do it. I soon felt like I was falling in love with him.

Then he started telling me that he wanted to make love to me, he wanted to put his penis inside me and if I liked him, if I loved him as much as he loved me then I would let him do it. I was scared, but I feared that he would stop loving me if I didn’t let him do it and so I gave in. I guess that if Ville hadn't caught us then, after the first time, then it would have continued happening more often.

After that incident, I guess I just lost all the respect for myself… So here I am; years later, at the age of nineteen and I’ve already slept with more men than I care to say out loud. My father is right; I am a slut.

I walk towards the sauna wanting to be alone for awhile. The pain in my chest is not leaving and for the first time in a long time, I realize that I am crying; really crying. I rush into the changing room, slam the door shut after me. I pace back and forth; I want to scream, I want to hit something. Finally I sit down on the cold floor and bury my face in my hands.

I finally give myself a permission to cry. I fear that I'm drowning and there’s no one to pull me back up. I'm so tired to the role of a dumb blond that I play. I hate the person that I've turned into. I can almost see the 11-year old version of myself looking at me with pity and I would like to reach out and ask for his forgiveness.

Suddenly the door to the sauna opens. My heart jumps to my throat, I look up.
“Marko?” Jesse speaks my name softly and looks at me with worry.
 

Chapter 8.

Jesse:

I can't go to him, not now, I'm feeling too agitated and too confused. Through the backdoor, I ran back outside.

After making sure that Kim has left the porch, I walk towards the sauna. I’m guessing, that it's the best place at this time of the night, if one wants to spend some time alone. I sit down on the upper bench, in the corner, hiding into the shadows. If someone happened to open the door and look in, there's a good chance that they might miss me completely. Joni must be wondering where I am by now.

Joni... Kim spoke something about cheating. ”Joni cheats.” He said, and I can not help, but to wonder if it's true. It is not the first time, that I’ve heard the same warning, truth or a lie. I had gone out with Joni, only a few weeks, when a guy my age, walked over to me at a club, as Joni was getting drinks for us. The guy looked at me from head to toe, and asked with cold voice if I was the newest conquest of Joni and when I told him that I was his boyfriend, this stranger said that he was sorry for me.

He had already turned to leave, but stopped then and looked at me again. “Listen.” He said. ”You seem like an okay guy, so do yourself a favor and forget about Joni, that guy will only break your heart. He'll never be faithful, if you think otherwise, then you're just going get hurt.” And with that he had left me.

After I told about what had happened to Joni, he said that it was just some jealous ex of his, who was walking around, spreading rumors about him, trying to break every chance of happiness that he got. Joni said that the guy just hadn't gotten over from the fact that he left him, of course I believed my boyfriend and a big part of me wants to continue believing him now. But Kim has never lied to me... Why would he lie to me that Joni is cheating on me? 'Because he loves you.' The voice inside my mind whispers. 'Because he wants you.' It whispers again and I feel sick.


I wipe my lips with the sleeve of my shirt as I remember his kiss. Cold shivers ran down on my spine, but not the good kind of shivers. I remember how it felt having his soft, bigger body against my own ,and I'm thinking of how horrid it might feel to lay under him naked. I shudder.

‘You're such a hypocrite Jesse, you do realize that, don't you? You tell Kim that he's cute, and that he shouldn't think so little of himself and what are you thinking about him now? The truth is that you can't think of him as being anything more than a friend because he's fat. If Kim was handsome and muscular, you'd be all over him by now.’ The annoying little voice whispers inside my head, the annoying little voice, that is usually right.

I try to convince myself, that this time, it's wrong. I'm not a shallow person, I am not, am I? A terrible quilt takes over me. It's not a pleasant thing to notice something inside of yourself, that you've always hated in others. On the other hand, I still want so much to believe that it's possible to fall in love with someone, who you don't find attractive at first. Love makes you see things differently, it gives beauty to something, that at first seems to have non. When you love someone; they are always going to stay beautiful to your eyes, no matter of their faults.

But Kim has always been a friend, everything is even with him. He has not woken anything powerful inside of me, hasn't gotten me flared up or charmed by his words. The conversations with him have neve really surprised me, nor have they waken me up to completely new thoughts. I could never feel passion with such a person, not even a little bit, and although in all relationships the passion from the start drains down in the end, it will always still be there and might rise back to it's original high from time to time. But why am I thinking about this now? Confusion takes over me.

Is Joni cheating on me? If he is, then why? With how many? He can't cheat on me, can he? 'Yes he can' The voice inside me whispers again, and I don't want to believe it. Maybe he cheats on me because I'm just not enough? Maybe I can't satisfy him fully? But if I can't, then why would he want me so often? –Confused, so confused.-

Joni is my first, I lost my virginity to him, it wasn't like I wouldn't have had offers, but the silly little romantic in me, always turned down the most. Joni was persistent, he wouldn't give up. He said that I'm a fascinating little creature, I laughed then and I still find it amusing. ‘Little creature.’ I really am not that small, and I think that many would agree with me, but Joni is really tall; 188cm and my 175cm does feel short when standing next to him.

For three months, he was constantly wooing me. “I'll get you to my bed, just you wait.” He said once, grinning with confidence.
“Well, I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you.” I had answered, having almost as strong confidence as his. I had heard rumors before, rumors that said that he was one horny guy, who slept around. But resisting him, turned out to be much more harder, than what I had imagined, and I fell for him fast, although I tried my best not to show it. I was 18, when we first met.

The first night at the club where we met, he would have loved to get me to come home with him. But I made it perfectly clear to him, that I had no intention, nor the want, to join the long list of his sluts. Joni had laughed, but I hadn't let him confuse me.

Back then, I was out clubbing almost every weekend, enjoying from my first year as an adult. I didn't always drink though, you can have fun without booze; something that most of my friends didn't get at first and still don’t.

Anyway; Joni was always there when I was, and always he tried to get into my pants. Finally he found out the name of the coffeehouse, that I worked in, and then one day; he appeared there. So there he was, ordered a black coffee with sugar, and tried to get my phone number. I always refused of giving it to him, told him that he should find something else do on his free time. Until my co-worker and a friend; Elisa, decided that she was going to do me a favor (according to herself) and give him my cellphone number. Joni called me that same night. I agreed on going to a one date with him. I told him, that even if he would pay for the dinner, he shouldn't think that he was going to get anything else from me; beside the pleasure of my company. I still don’t know, how I managed refuse of having sex with him for so long, when in reality; I wanted him so bad that it hurt.

There were many times, that I gave him the red light, when he wanted to take our relationship to the next level. And still he didn't give up on me. “What are you waiting for?” He asked once. “Marriage?” He laughed after and I was a bit offended by that, although I didn't show it.
”I'm waiting for someone, who is going to want me even after it’s done.” I told him and he had looked at me in a funny way and then without another word he had kissed me; a long and passionate kiss.
“I can promise you Jesse that once I have had you, you're going to have even greater difficulties of getting rid of me. And I also promise, that you're going to enjoy it so much, that you don't want to get rid of me either.” He had whispered to my ear, and I had just nodded my head in his arms. “I'm going to take you to the bedroom now.” He had said next, and after that, I hadn't found the energy, nor the want to resist him.

All the doubts and the fears were were forgotten as we started dating. For over a year I've been living with the faith, that Joni has changed his bad habits, if the rumors of him even were true from the start with. And now the doubt has once again raised it’s ugly head and I'm beginning to think back of all this time that we've been together. A fact number one: Joni loves sex. A fact number two; my libido will never reach the same level as his, my body and my mind simply can't take the amount that he craves for.

Have I been blind and naive thinking that love could cure him? Did I think too highly of myself, when I thought that I could be enough for him? Or are these doubts making a lousy boyfriend out of myself? If you can't trust your own partner, then what is going to become of that relationship? Where would it base on? And if all the new fears of mine are reality, then how should I act? Can one forgive something like that? Should I forgive? Am I a fool when believing, that I could have a relationship, where both partners would be faithful? Maybe I'm living in a dream... Why am I wondering about things, that I have no certainties of? Why ask questions, to which I can not answer yet. I can not judge Joni, before I get more facts. Only thing that I have so far; is the words of my drunken friend, and it might be that I got him all wrong?


I close my eyes and rest my head against the wall. My quiet meditating is interrupted as I suddenly hear someone stepping into the changing room. I hear as someone is pacing, a fretful sigh and quietness follows. I listen closely and soon I hear quiet weeping. Slowly I stand up.

As I open the door I meet with Marko's surprised eyes, he is sitting on the floor and I can see that he's been crying.
“Marko?” I ask with worry and step closer, I kneel down onto the floor with him. “What is it?” I ask with soft voice and without planning it; my hand reaches out to touch his cheek, I wipe the tears away. He looks both confused and scared, as he looks at me, the color of his eyes is almost turned into turquoise. I've never seen eyes of the same color before. His cheeks are getting slightly red under my gaze and he turns his eyes away from mine, looking embarrassed. He swallows repeatedly, tries to fight his tears, his sorrow.

”Hey there's nothing to be ashamed about...Marko... Please, look at me, talk to me?” I whisper and slowly he turns his gaze back to me. He breaks in front of me into tears, and quickly I pull him against my chest. I wrap my arms around him tightly, comforting. I feel his arms around myself, he squeezes my shirt inside his fists. My own worries are all forgotten, and I only want to comfort the beautiful, blond boy in my arms. I carefully start stroking his hair.

“Forgive me, forgive me...” He whispers with a hoarse voice, and once again our eyes meet. His face close to my own, our noses almost touching. I look at him and my breathing seems to get caught in my throat. My eyes are mesmerized by the beauty of his, and I can't look away, I don’t want to look away. Slowly our lips meet, and I loose the ability to think. I kiss him, the taste of the salty tears on my lips, his tongue is playing with my own, I moan, surrender and forget about everything real for that one moment.

Chapter 9.

Marko:


I pull him closer to myself. The moment, that I've been dreaming of for so long, is here now, and I never want to let go of it. He kisses me; Jesse is kissing me! My heart is beating fast, breathing gets harder, yet I'm thirsty for more, I long for more. Jesse's hand in my hair, keeping me close, his other hand moves down on my back, and suddenly I feel clumsy, I’m never clumsy! I try get more comfortable, more closer, I want to be as close to him as possible.

And then it ends. Jesse is the one to pull back. He looks at me; the confusion in his eyes, makes me loosen my hold on him.
“This was a mistake, I'm sorry, could we just forget about this?” He says, still slightly out of breath, and stands up. I look at him bitterly.
“Don't try tell me that you didn't enjoy kissing me.” My mouth speaks before I have the time to stop myself. He looks at me, lips parting, searching for words.
“I... I didn't know what I was doing, I'm sorry.” He whispers, I look at his lips; still red and slightly swollen after the heated kiss. “I have to go...” He says then and turns away. I would like to call his name, beg him to come back, tell him, make him understand, but I can't find my voice, the words stick to my throat. I stay there and close my eyes.
I should have known. I feel so tired of this, of myself...
Finally I stand up, and walk back outside. I see Joni coming from the cabin, walking towards me, his eyes on me. I close the door behind me.

“Have you seen Jesse?” He asks, there's a smile on his lips.
“I saw him only moments ago; I think you'll find him in your room.” I tell him.

Joni walks up the steps, I lean against the door, he looks around himself, then back at me. He takes a support from the wall next to my head with his hand, his other hand moves down on my waist. His eyes meet with my own.
“What do you want?” I ask with a frown, even though I know what the answer would be.
“What do you think?” He asks with a grin, his hand moves down lower, squeezing my bum. “You look so incredibly hot right now.” He whispers and takes my left earlobe between his teeths. “How about it; a quick fuck, for one last time?” I look at him numbly, before I remove is hand away from me.
“Joni.” I start calmly, looking at him. “Go to your boyfriend, I'm sure that he's waiting for you by now.”

“What's this now? Yesterday you were like all over me, and now you tell me to go to my boyfriend?” Joni looks surprised, I guess he didn't expect that a slut like me would turn him down.
“Jesse doesn't deserve this, he is a good guy, better than most. Stop fooling around, and just take a look of what you already have.” I look into his hazel eyes. “He deserves better than this.” My voice sounds so peculiar; who knew that I still had some back bone left? I turn to leave, but he takes a hold of my arm stopping me.
“So now you're telling me what to do? I can't believe it; the whore is telling me to stay faithful. This is such bullshit.” My lips tighten, not the first time I've been called a whore, but it never feels nice to hear it.
“I may be a whore, but what are you then? You certainly are not better than I am.” I spat at him. He glares at me, no one has ever called him a whore, have they? I smile to him sweetly, he opens his mouth to say something, but when he thinks of nothing to say, he just growls and leaves me.

I sit down on the stairs and stare at the cloudy sky. I wish... I wish I had him. But I can never have such happiness, such boyfriend, can I? I look at the luxury cabin in front of me, the one that Pete owns and think about the house, in which we would return tomorrow. all that luxury, all this trivial nothing that I've should my whole life to. For awhile now, those have been the only satisfactions of my life beside sex, my only goal that I have managed to reach. Sitting here now, I realize, that in the end; I have nothing more than the scene of happiness. All of this is Pete's and not mine. I know why is with me; it's because of the sex, because of my looks, because of my youth. I'll do what he wants me to do, and it's always like that. He decides the time, the place, how; everything. And someday, he'll get bored of me and where does that leave me? I'll have bunch of clothes and presents that he has bought me, but what else?

Perhaps it would be the time to continue on? I'm afraid, that if I stay much longer, it will be even harder for me to return into the life that I left behind. I could get a job, or go to school; do something real. I do not wish to end up like my father; I do not want to turn into some bitter and lonely man, whose whole life is dedicated to drinking. The mere thought of it makes me shutter.

Maybe sometime I could be something? Something greater, than what I am now? Someone who has more to offer beside sex? I know what they are saying about me, I know what my reputation is, I guess, that I can only blame myself? I don't even have friends of my own, not really, not anymore. All I have, is my drunken father, who hates me, and then I have Pete, but how long will I have him? Even Pete thinks that I'm just a brainless blond.... But just like the song says; the show must go on. With desperation I hang onto the mask that I have created, if I let it fall, I think I would fall down with it. I stand up and walk towards the cabin, to return to Pete’s arms. To return for now.


Jesse:

I heard everything; everything. The words repeat themselves over and over again in my mind. The image of Joni, as he leans forward, nipping on his earlobe, the words he said, the words that Marko said. My head is throbbing and my mouth is dry. I don't remember walking upstairs, but here I am. I feel like throwing up, should I throw up? I walk into the bathroom, stare at the toilet seat, cold sweat on my forehead.

I feel dizzy, splashing some cold watter on my face; again and again, until I'm almost washing my skin raw. I stop. I look at myself from the mirror, I can hardly see, my head is beginning to hurt even more. I feel unease, nervous. I can't breath properly. I kissed Marko; the feel of his lips still on my own. I had already left outside, but I stopped, hesitated, I wanted to go back; I wanted to go back to him! Why, why? I have to sit down for a second, that kiss, I wanted it, dammit… Joni, I stopped, I thought I was cheating on him with a kiss!

I saw Joni, as I was about to return to Marko, so I hide from him. Joni and Marko... I feel sick, I massage my temples, my hands are shaking, I'm shaking. Kim was right! But Marko… why?... I guess I knew, what did I expect? I saw how Joni looked at him.

When I return into the room, Joni is already there, laying on the bed. He sits up when he sees me. I get confused, breaking slowly from inside and I don't know what to do, what to say, how to act. There's no written manuscript; there should be one. I'm angry, sad, confused and scared, I feel dizzy. I blink my eyes, I don't want to think, I don't want to know! My head hurts and he is smiling, he says something and stands up. I have no idea what he is speaking to me, suddenly it's like a whole different language.

He touches me and I shrink back. I can't speak, no now, not yet, I don't even know what to feel, what I should feel. I can't even cry or shout, somehow I always thought I would do both. Tomorrow, maybe tomorrow? Maybe I wake up and this has all been just a dream, this is dream? I don't want to deal with this, it would hurt, it hurts already. But I'm still in a haze, can't really see through it. I shake my head trying to fight off something invisible, but it doesn't leave, it refuses to leave.

Normally I would sleep nude, but now I leave my t-shirt and boxers on, I can't look at him, I want to forget. Tomorrow, not tonight, I want to sleep. Can I sleep? I don't say anything to him as I lay down, and wrap the blanket around me tightly, I would like to disappear under it completely, turn invisible. He touches me, kisses my neck. “Don't.” My voice sounds weird, so weak, I don’t like being weak. I move, so that the word; don't, would get the power that the voice didn't manage to give it.

I close my eyes. He doesn't say anything, but I can feel his weight on the bed behind me. I want to forget. I can almost feel his confused and concerned look on my back, I can feel his want to touch me and the unspoken questions between us.

Tomorrow. I do not want for tomorrow to reach us; to break us.

Chapter 10.

Joni:

When I wake up, I can't find him next to me. I yawn deeply, stretching my arms and legs, I then take a closer look around myself. The door opens and Jesse walks in, he doesn't even look at me, just heads of to packing his things.
“Good morning babe...” I say, keeping my eyes on him. He doesn't answer, just looks at me coldly, doesn't stop what he is doing. He is wearing a yellow and blue colored Sweden shirt, the one he bought at spring from Stockholm, when visiting his relatives there. God I hate that shirt and he knows that I do...
“Honey, why are you wearing that horrible shirt? Take it off...pleeease...” I whine and rise into sitting position.
“I'm nursing my inner Swedish. And I'm so not going to change this shirt, I like it.” He snaps and moves in front of the mirror to fix his hair.

I stand up, pull my jeans on. I walk behind him, pressing myself against his back, he tenses immediately and pushes me away rudely.
“Okay, what have I done?” I ask, I can't understand what’s his problem. He looks at me quickly, something flashes in his blue eyes, something that at first I don't recognize. He turns his face away, I can see that his jaw is tensing slightly.

“Hurry up with the packing, I want to leave as soon as possible... I'll take my things to the car.” He ignores my question completely, takes his bag and leaves the room. The door closes after him.

When I have finished packing I walk outside and see Jesse standing at the end of the pier, gazing towards the horizon. His arms are wrapped around himself. I place my bags into the trunk, close it, and walk towards the pier, I stop when reaching the shore. I don't know what's with him, but obviously something is weighting on his mind. My insides turn, a nasty feeling that everything is about to fall apart.
“Jesse, I'm ready, you wanna leave?” I ask him with a shout. He turns around, and the blank expression on his face makes me even more unease, I don't like it, I want my happy, smiling boyfriend back. He has such a beautiful smile. I grasp his arm, when he is about to walk past me towards the car.
“Honey, please smile a little.” I touch his face, kiss his cheek, he looks uncomfortable. I kiss him, but he merely stands, as if frozen, on his spot, and doesn't answer to the kiss.
“Lets go.” He says then and walks away. Marko walks towards him, he looks at Jesse with a question and stops. I hear him wishing good morning to him, but Jesse just looks at him briefly and keeps walking not saying one word to him. Others seem to get the same ice like treatment; which is so unlike Jesse. I sigh deeply, hoping that he would return back to his normal self, once we would get home.

“So you didn't say goodbye to Kim? Has something happened with him when your acting like this?” I ask, as I start the car.
“I don't want to talk right now.” He sighs and stares out from the window. Damn it's annoying not to know what is going on inside his mind. This has to have something to do with Kim, I convince myself. Kim has harassed him, touched him perhaps, and that is why Jesse doesn't want me to touch him now. I'm so going to kill Kim if that's true.


Jesse:

I'm tired, I couldn't get any sleep last night. My head is filled with images of Joni and Marko kissing, images of how Joni is fucking him, the memory of Kim as he kissed my lips and my kiss with Marko... I would want to scream out loud and cry, and yet I stay silent, I dare not to speak, for I fear that I would break. I fear, that I'll blow up, I don't want Joni to touch me and a part of me wants his touch. I want him to hold me in his arms and tell me that I only saw a dream; a bad dream. But I know that it wasn't, I know what I saw, I know what I heard. I'm glad that I don't have to be the one who's driving, in this state of mind; I might just kill us both by making one wrong move. I want to go home, but is it my home anymore? I want to pack my things, and run. 'Damn you Joni, you fucking shithead!' I want to scream. I want to cry, but not yet, not now.

I search through the glove compartment for my cd, and without a word, I place it inside the player, I turn the music loud. Joni growls in annoyance and turns it down, I turn it back up. He turns it low and I turn it back up again…

“Dammit! Do we really have to listen to this Swedish shit?!” Joni asks, glancing at me. I look back at him with anger. “I really am not up for it, and since I'm the one driving; I decide.” He says and takes the cd out.
“Swedish shit did you say?! Well maybe you're not up for me either? Well at least I have been good enough to your bed even though I am a half Swedish! You fucking brick head, you piece of shit!” I snap at him, he looks at me in shock. I'm just so tired of his attitude, tired of the Swedish jokes, sometimes it feels like being a Swedish would be some big crime to his eyes!
“Honey, calm down, I didn't mean it like that... honestly. I love you, you and all your Swedish parts, really I do...” Joni speaks, staring at the road ahead of us. He then touches my thigh gently, I slap his hand away, getting him to hiss from pain. “Baby, what is wrong? I really didn't mean it sweetheart, my darling SwedenFinn.” He babbled. “You can listen to what ever you want, okay?” He promises then, I breath uneasily, the dam is almost broken and I don't know how to stanch the upcoming flood.

“Don't you babble me, I'm tired of your bullshit!” I shout at him.
“What the fuck is up with you today?!” He starts loosing his temper as well.
“What the fuck is up with me you ask?! You should know perfectly well what is up with me.” I stare at him, Joni is quiet, thinking of what to say. “I know Joni.” I say then, a little more calmly, but still with a cold voice.
“You know?” I hear him swallowing, I close my eyes.
“I know about Marko.” I answer, I feel odd and unreal, the words are forming from my lips, and I don't know where we’ll end up with them. Quietness follows, oppressing silence, tension that you could almost cut with a knife. The sounds of the traffic around us, Joni's breathing, the beat of my heart, my head is hurting. “When we get home, I'm going to pack my things and leave.” I hear myself speaking.

“Jesse...” His voice is hoarse, he squeezes the wheel; his knuckles are white. We are driving on the freeway, the worst possible place to tell your lover that it is over, but my mind however, is too fogy to realize that completely. The dam is broken now and the watter is only getting more strength as it flows. “You can't... honey... love, lets talk about this, we talk once we get home, okay?” He begs with panick in his voice, sounding more like a scared child, than himself. I feel the pain in my chest, and it’s only getting worse, tears are burning in my eyes, but I don't want to cry, if I cry then there's no way to stop the flood. I nod my head, Joni sees it and accepts it as a reply. We both stay silent for the rest of the drive, neither one of us dares to speak, we are too afraid of the words.


The familiar smell of our home greats me as soon as I walk in. Once it was such a safe smell, a smell that meant love, security and warmth… and now it's like a stab in the heart, because everything, that it once represented, has now been broken. The apartment that I'm in now, is no longer a home. Love is only a lie...

I hear a thump as my bag hits the floor, it can wait there, until I've gotten the rest of my things together. There's no way that I can take all at once, no matter how much I would like.

“Jesse...” Joni walks behind me, touches my shoulders in desperation as I try to pack. I turn to look at him.
“Don't touch me! It's over, we are over!” I scream.
“No, it's not over, it doesn't have to be. I love you Jesse, please, lets just talk about this.” Joni looks at me with pleading eyes.

“You cheated on me! At that cabin, while I was there! How could you?!” Tears are starting to fall down on my cheeks, my hands are shaking. “How many?! How many have there been?!”
“Honey, calm down.” Joni tries, I back away.
“I am not your honey anymore! I saw what happened last night, I saw and I heard! You can't denney it. How many? With how many guys have you cheated on me with?”
“Only him, only Marko. I swear, and I regret that it ever happened. It was a mistake and he means nothing to me, only you do, only you Jesse. I love you so fucking much. Forgive me. I was an arse, I admit that! But please, forgive me.” I look at him, trembling even more. He tries to hug me, but once again I push him away.

“I gave you everything, and you promised Joni! You promised and still you betrayed me, you're breaking me!” I turn around, still trying to pack. I walk back and forth, Joni is following me like a lost puppy.
“I'm an idiot, I truly am, but I need you! You can't leave me, because I need you!” The fear in his voice is making me hurt even more.
“And I should just believe, that what you are telling me now, is the truth? Should I just trust you? How could I anymore?” I stop for a second, take a deep breath. Joni is standing only a couple of feet's away, his eyes are filled with tears like mine and for a moment I feel like going to him and hug him tightly, but I manage to forbid myself, I remind myself of what he did. He deserves his tears, deserves this pain.

“I swear to you, I'll even crawl down on my knees if that is your wish, I'll do anything at all, if you only forgive me.”

“Did you even use a condom?” I ask and the expression on his face is enough to give me the answer. “God dammit Joni! How can you be so stupid?! You fuck with another guy bare back and then you crawl back next to me!...” A moment of silence, Joni is nipping on his bottom lip, looking guilty, and suddenly it all becomes cristal clear to me. “Oh my God, you really did that, didn't you? You fucked with Marko on friday night and then you fucked me on saturday morning! How could you! You fucking shit!” I start crying more uncontrollably. Joni tries to come closer and I start hitting on his chest with my fist and scream. “You bastard! I can't believe you!” Joni backs away from me. “Do you even realize what you might have done? If I have some disease now...” My head hurts, I'm crying and then I start laughing in hysterics. “This is so fucking great! I saved myself and for what?! That I could take a jerk like you to be my boyfriend, to whom my virginity meant nothing at all I see, and now...” I'm swallowing hard, ran my fingers through my hair. “With my luck, I'll probably have the HIV now, because of you.” I laugh. “It would be so fucking perfect!” I've never in my life cursed as much as I have during this one single day.

I keep shoving my clothes into my pack, shaking my head. I'm imagining how I'm telling my parents that I have HIV, I already see the tombstone in my mind. I've always been the one to overact things. When I was 12-years old for example, I was sure that I had fallen ill with a terrible cancer after I found some weird lump on the side of my throat. But as it turned out, it was just a swollen gland, caused by mononucleosis, or as we more friendly like to call it; the kissing decease. So I didn't die, I just could talk or eat so well in the next two weeks that followed. Anyway, now I'm as sure as I was then, that one of the most frightening deceases has been infected on me, and all because of my cheating ass boyfriend, who couldn't keep his pants on, or at least a condom on!

“Marko doesn't have any deceases.” Joni says.
“And how do you know that he hasn't? Did he show you some kind of certificate? And how the fuck am I suppose to know who else have you fucked with!” I snap. Joni doesn't seem to come up with anything to say, so he just stares at me with that desperate manner of his.

“I come for the rest of my stuff later.” I tell him finally and leave towards the door carrying my bags. Joni follows after me.
“Jesse, please, stay with me, I need you. I love you. You're the only one who can save me, the only one who can make a better man out of me.” He begs, takes a hold of my arm. I look at his face, he looks younger than he is.
“There's nothing left to say Joni, everything is already ruined.” My voice breaks. “I wanted a person to whom I can trust, I wanted someone who would be just mine.” I tell him with a quiet voice. I can't look at him anymore,but I know that he's listening to every word. “I can't share the person that I love... You need to find someone, who is okay with the idea of an open relationship, there's plenty of such men. I just can't do this. I just wish...” I sigh, close my eyes. “Maybe I've been too naïve, maybe it was a time for me to weak up into the real world.” I open the front door. “I'll stop by some other day, to get my things.” My voice sounds tired. Joni says something, but I'm not listening anymore, for what could he possibly say to change things?…There’s nothing…

The door closes after me, the stairway is echoing from my lonely steps, it wasn't suppose to go like this, we weren't suppose to end like this. My first love and now it's broken, taken...

I get into a taxi. Everything is gone, meaningless at the moment. My heart has been broken, stumbled onto the ground with the rest of the garbage… I wipe the tears away, somehow I just need to move on. I remind myself, that this is not the end of the world. People go through much worse things in life, much, much worse, and still they find the strength to move on, so I shouldn't fall into pitying myself. But still, it's hard to see ahead of your own pain, because at this moment; only that is what is real, only that is what matters...
And you wanna know what the scariest part of this all is? That a part of me, is more hurt by what Marko did, than what Joni did!... I could almost laugh; when did my life start to remind of some cheesy soap opera??

Chapter 11.

Jesse:


I'm laying on the couch, crying quietly, my head resting on Cecilia's, my big sisters lap. She’s stroking my hair gently.
“He's not worth your tears...” She whispers and wipes the tears away from my cheeks. I nod my head, sobbing miserably. I’ve been crying since I came, not feeling so proud of myself, but it seems that I’ve lost the ability to stop myself from crying. Cecilia saw me, hugged me and asked what was wrong, I haven't even been able to tell her what's really wrong, but I guess it was easy to figure out. She lets me calm down, not asking questions, that I'm not ready to answer. She gives me comfort; I knew this would be the right place to come.

“Would you like a cup of tea? I think it would do you some good.” She suggests then.
“Okay...” I mutter and rose to sit. I follow her into the kitchen.

I sit down in front of the table. It takes a moment before a steaming hot cup of tea is placed in front of me. I spin my spoon inside the cup and wonder why people are always offering tea, when your feeling low? Cecilia takes the seat opposite from me.
“Would you like to tell what happened?” She asks, while pouring some milk into my tea and then into her own. She offers the sugar can closer; I tip two teaspoons in, and mix it up with my spoon. I sigh deeply.

“Joni cheated on me and I left him.” I start, glancing at her. She has a concentrated look on her face. “I don't know how long it's been going on, but yesterday while we were at the cabin, I heard him begging to get some from Marko, and apparently they had already done it on Friday night.”
“You mean Mr. Paris Hilton?” Cecilia asks. Hm... So I have told her about Marko before too...
“Yes...”
“Oh, he's such a pig!” She calls out. “Cheating on you at the cabin?! Unbelievable! I'm going to hang his penis! No one treats my little brother this way and gets away with it.” She fumes. I'm quietly wondering how is it exactly, that one hangs a penis, but I decide that I necessarily don't need to know that.

“Men are such arseholes at times!” Cecilia yells at the same moment that her husband walks into the room, yawning, scratching his balls through his Micky Mouse boxers, –charming...
“What have I done now?” He asks. Cecilia turns to look at him.
”Nothing honey.” She answers. ”Not this time.” She adds with a grin, her gaze lowers down on his body. “Oh my god, take those boxers off right now.” She says when seeing what he has on. Pauli looks at her with confusion, then at me and then at himself.

“What I meant was; go and dress something on. Are you really such a dump ass that you don't realize that my brother is here.” A wide grin spreads on his face when he looks at me.
“Yes, might turn you on too much.” He says, tapping on his beer belly.
“I hardly know what to do with myself.” I give him a lazy smile. Pauli kisses the air, and winks at me.
“Stop hitting on my brother or I'll cut your balls off when you sleep.” Cecilia jokes.
“I love you too sweetheart.” He grins and kisses her cheek before leaving the room.

Pauli really is a nice guy, he might joke about my sexuality, but it's always a friendly humor that we both share. With him I don't have to pretend being something that I’m not.



**************

My phone has been ringing all day long and I’ve gotten about twenty text-messages already, few of them are from Kim, the rest from Joni. I should talk with Kim, but right now, I just don't have the energy. I drown my sorrows into a bottle of beer, riping pieces from it’s label. The bottle gets empty way too soon.

Luckily Cecilia sees it too and gets me another drink. I've been bad mouthing Joni the whole evening. I'm soon running out of names to call him; dickhead is starting to loose it's touch, I should try think of some new one…

My brain doesn't work like it should. I’m thinking of Joni, sitting in our living room all alone, squeezing my pillow in his lap and looking at our holiday pictures, crying in misery… He told me he was doing that in one message.

My cell phone starts ringing again; it’s Joni. I reach towards it, but Cecilia grasps it before I get to it.
“Jesse, don't answer to him.” She says firmly.
“But I...”
“No. You must be strong now, you don't need that lying piece of shit in your life. And don't you ease his conscience; he should suffer, the bastard!” Cecilia says forcefully. I look at her miserably, wondering how Joni is going to get by? All our plants are going to die, when he doesn't remember to water them. “Remember what he did. He doesn't deserve you.” She reminds me, when seeing my expression. I nod my head slowly.

- Four drinks later: -

“That fucking swine!” I yell. “Fucking Marko's arse...” I mutter after. “Marko's perfect arse... like two melons are his buttocks together.” I draw the shape of buttocks in the air with my hands.
“I wonder if you've drank too much already?” Cecilia says looking at me, one brow raised. I empty my glass, wipe my mouth with my sleeve. “Noh... Moore!” I hand out the glass for her. Cecilia glances at her husband.
“Let the poor guy drink.” He says and empties his own beer bottle. He gets another one from the fridge.

I smile with satisfaction as I get another drink in my hands. “Marko's arse...” I start, gazing thirstily at the content of my glass . “It's so round!... you would just want to squeeze it good...” Then I start snickering. “I'm so drunk!” I tell them, I don't remember the last time that I was this drunk. I feel so odd, the small sober voice inside me, is begging me on his knees to shut my mouth already, but finally it gives up, rolls over to it's side and falls a sleep; you regret this in the morning! It calls as it's last words. The hell I will! I snap back to it. I wonder if I said it out loud? Cecilia is looking at me funny, her eyebrow is constantly raised; I wonder if she has a some kind of cramp in it?

“I don't get Marko... He is so blond... You know? Such a big blond.” I sigh, shaking my head.
“You seem to be talking a lot about Marko, even more than what you've been talking about Joni...” Cecilia ponders.
“Joni is a lying shaite!” I yell.
“Shaite?” Cecilia giggles.
“Just so; shaite mc shaite... Skit! Han har skit I huvuden!”

Few more drinks and in the morning; I wake up with a killer headache, wrapped under a warm blanket, with no memory of how I've ended up there. Plus the headache; I'm pretty sure, that at some point of the night, a rat has crawled into my mouth and died there. I promise myself not to drink ever again...



*


Marko:


It's 4.30 am. I look at Pete, who is sleeping peacefully by my side. I haven't been able to get any sleep myself. Yesterday I found out, that Jesse has left Joni, because he found out the truth; it explains the cold glare that he gave me yesterday morning.

Joni was the one who told me. He called me last night, telling me that it was all my fault. Of course; everything is always my fault. I don't care, blame me then, let the whole world blame me. Jesse hates me, everything else is meaningless, he has every right to hate me. I've never felt as low as I do now. It's only a matter of time before Pete founds out and personally; I don't know if I want to be there when he does. It's time for me to leave, Pete will be alright, I'll doubt that he's going to miss me much. He'll find a new toy-boy in no time; money is always a big turn on.

I stand up, sneak to my wardrobe and start packing, it’s not much that I own and I only take the clothes that he has bought me, not the things. I'm a cheater and the one who left, so I feel like I don't have the right to take all those expensive gifts…

I write a note to him and leave it on my pillow:

Hey Pete. I'm sorry to leave like this, but I feel like this thing between us, isn't working anymore. I've slept with someone else; with Joni. I'm telling you this, because I’m sure that you would find that out anyway. Jesse knows too and he has left Joni. I know that I'm a coward for leaving like this... I'm sorry, I don't know what else to do.

-Marko-

I read the note through, wishing that I would be better with words, but I guess this just has to do. I look at Pete for one last time before I leave.

**********

I turn the key inside the lock, the door creaks loudly as it opens. I thank my luck, that the lock hasn't been changed, otherwise I wouldn't have known where to go. Sighing deeply, I place my bags down on the hall floor. It's only 7.30am.
“Dad?” I call out and walk further in. The apartment has a musty and unclean smell in it. I hear quiet murmuring from the living room. Dad is laying on the couch, open bottle of hard liquor on the table, an empty glass on the floor, on it's side. He smells bad, looks like it's been awhile from his last shower.

“Dad?” I nudge his shoulder. Muttering something, that I can't make any sense out of; he opens his eyes. He frowns as he tries to see me more clearly. Sudden strong wave of pity takes over me as I look at the man, who once was a hero to me. He has already fallen so low... He is only 45, and he looks like he’s 60.

“Marko?” He asks with a croaky voice.
“Yes dad.” He starts couching and I feel sick with watching, but I simply bite my teeth's together and try not to show my disgust. He is my father after all, he may not be much of a father, but he is the only one I have. “I'll make you some coffee and after that, you're going to take a shower, you smell like you would have swam in vodka.” I tell him and walk into the kitchen. I hear him couching in the living room.

“So the man threw you out, did he?” He asks after few cups of coffee, I’m washing up the dishes and stay quiet. “Must have seen what kind of whore you are; just like your mother.” He starts the familiar ranting. “Did he even pay you enough? Did you spend it all on those clothes you're wearing?” My body starts trembling from anger and hurt. But I know it's best to just try and ignore him.

“Go and take the shower, I'll fix you something to eat.” Dad stands up and falters into the bathroom. When opening the fridge, I notice that there's only little hope of nutritive supper; eggs, butter, a can of old milk and twelve pack of beer. I’m almost falling into tears. I can't find any food from the cabinets either, only booze. I start counting my money; I have only 15 euros left, and if I remember correctly; my bank account is pretty empty as well. Desperation strikes. I'm thinking of my options, feels like there isn't much. I start to regret leaving Pete's house. Maybe he could have forgiven me? Well, I guess it's too late to think of that now.

I walk into my room, dragging my bag there with me. I remember how happy I felt leaving here the last time; I thought that I wouldn’t have to return. I stand in front of the mirror and look at myself from head to toe. I have my looks, what else? I don't know. I'm not smart, I know that... I wish I would have payed more attention in school... Well, at least with my looks, I can survive. I decide to go out into some club that night. I just need to forget...

Chapter 12.

Chapter 12

”Would you like a cup of cappuccino or latte? I have a new coffee machine.” Kim asks.
“Oh a new coffee machine? I have always wanted one of those... I'd like a cappuccino, thank you.”
“Yeah this is really cool. I love it.” He nods his head taking the milk can out of the fridge. I sit in front of the table. Uncomfortable silence. Soon I get the large cup of cappuccino in front of me.

“Sugar?” Kim offers.
“Yes, thank you. I don't usually use sugar in my regular coffee, but somehow it fits with cappuccino, you know?” I start telling him. Why? I have no glue. I feel strangely nervous with him now. I open the small bag of brown sugar. “This is just like in some coffee house.” I laugh quietly. Dammit why am I being such an idiot today?
“Yeah.” Kim smiles and sit opposite from me. He tastes his own coffee, his brown eyes looking at me with curiosity. I play with the sugar bag in my hands, accidentally pouring all of it in my cup and now it's disgustingly sweet, the coffee, dammit. Well, I guess I can still drink it, yeah, it's still good, I can handle sweet, I can.

“So...” I start, glancing at him nervously. “You were right.” I tell him then.
“Oh?”
”About Joni, you were right about him.”
“...” His lips part, trying to find the right words, but failing.
“Yeah. I left him the other day, when we came home from the cabin... Marko... Marko and Joni... Yeah. I heard them talking and, and yeah...” I taste my coffee, licking the taste of it from my lips. How many times a person can say yeah without sounding stupid? I think I have grossed the line already.
“Oh.” He says, it seems to be his favorite word today, can't really blame him though. He looks at the inside of his coffee cup seeming a bit worried, then he lifts his gaze back up to me. “Joni is an idiot.” He says, I nod.
“Yeah, I guess he is a little. Or a lot...” I look outside from the window, the trees are swaying in the wing, the heaven is grey, rain in the air.

“I've been trying to call you, but I guess your phone has been switched off or something.” Kim says next.
“Oh yeah, yes it is, Joni kept calling me, sending me messages, I got annoyed, god I hate text messages.” I sigh and only then realize that I truly have kept my phone switched off for far too long already. Mom might think I've died or something. I take it out of my pocket and switch it on. It won't take long for it to start peeping, informing me of new messages. There's like hundred of them, almost, not really, there could be though. I curse in frustration. “Text messages are devils work really.” I sigh as I starts reading them. Kim laughs.
“Are they really?” He asks.

“Yeah, they are... Well okay, not always though.” I grin at him. I have like three messages from Joni, nothing new in them, the same thing; sorry, forgive me, am an idiot, please come back, can't breath without you, etc. Honestly, for a guy that pretends so tough all the time he really is needy...

Then I have two from numbers that I don't know. JESSE!! How are YOU?! Been thing about you; A LOT! Had a dream about you ;) ARE YOU ALRIGHT!? ANSWER TO ME DAMMIT!

“Fuck.” I curse, I don't need a name to know who send that. It's from a guy that I met when I was like 15, we were on some camping area with my family in Middle Sweden. God that guy gave me the creeps, he was one year younger than me, always seemed to pop out from no where, kept hugging me, telling me he loved me! I was almost certain that I would end up raped in that god dammed forest by him, if I wouldn't keep me guard up. My summer was ruined by him, well not that I had been happy about going to camping in the first place, but he just made my holiday from hell perfect. I was too scared to go out in one point, scared of that hugging kid, who always tried to kiss me. Anyway, somehow he managed to get hold of my number, I don't even have to answer to him and still he keeps sending these messages. Four fucking times a year at least... I'll never go back to mid Sweden, that's for sure. I decide to answer to him for this one time; Get a fucking life!! Feeling satisfied I press the send button. If he won't get the message now, then I'll just change my number as a secret one. I really don't know why is it that all the crazy people always find me. If I'm in a bus and there’s some crazy person, be sure that they just single me out, wanting to talk and tell their problems... I'm drifting from the subject again... And I've also started to curse like a maniac, that's not good... Maybe I've finally come acquittance with my Finnish self?

Another message from a number that doesn't have a name. Hi Jesse. I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry. I heard you found out, sorry, I feel really bad about it. I left Pete, I'm at one club, thought of you. That last night when we talked, I meant what I said. You're such a great guy! Damn me for I always ruin everything, please forgive me. I'm an idiot, it's you that I wanted, not Joni. I'm sorry =( -Idiot=Marko-

I stare at the message in surprise, reading it over again.
“Who was it?” I hear Kim asking.
“It's from Marko.” I tell him quietly, reading it over for the third time.
“What does he want?”
“He says he's sorry.” I tell him and lift the cup on my lips, drinking.

“Jesse...” Kim starts after a long moment of silence.
“Hm?” I answer, still looking through my messages..
“About what happened on saturday...” He sounds nervous. “About when I kiss-...”
“Hey, it's alright, lets just forget it, you were drunk, I get it.” I interrupt him, I really don't want to go back on the subject. He looks like he would like to say something else.
“Hey, you wanna go out tonight? I'm going, with Cecilia and Pauli to some gay-club.” Kim looks at me funny, raising one brow. “Yeah, I know... So anyway, want to come? Save me from the humiliation that my sister is probably getting me into.
“Alright, I'll go with you gladly, you know that.”


**************
Marko:

I lean against the counter, eyes scanning the room around me, my feet beating with rhythm of the music. I answer to few smiles and looks that I get, taste my drink. Searching for the guy that I can trick the next, who would buy me a new drink and from who I could steal some money. No, I am not proud of myself, but I am hungry and I promise myself to stop as soon as I get back onto my feet's again, as soon as the next months money would get on my bank account.

Jesse hasn't answered to my message and though I didn't expect him to do so, I can't help but to feel a little disappointed. I guess I did hope he would.

“Hello gorgeous.” A man says in English beside me, I turn my head to the voice; a dark man in his thirty's stands next to me smiling to me.
“Hello.” I look at him with curiosity.
“What's your name sweetheart?” He asks.
“Marko.”
“Nice to meet you Marko, I'm Steve... Can I buy you a new drink?” He asks, looking at me nearly empty glass.
“Sure, I'd like that.” I smile. “Where are you from?”
“Chicago.”
“Oh, you're an American?” How the hell did he get lost here? I wonder.
“Yes.” He smiles, he has cute dimples and dark eyes, skin like milk chocolate, tall and muscular. I've never been with a black man before... My minds starts to wonder off. I take his offer to join him and his friends.



**************************

Jesse:

“Wow, this is so great! Okay Jesse, now we're going to find some good man for you!” Cecilia is scarily exited about being at the gay club. Her eyes search the grouted place with interest. “Now there's a cute guy, that Asian guy over there; Jesse look at him.” She points at some guy close to the bar counter and I would like nothing more than to floor to swallow me. I look at her like she would have lost her mind. She keeps pointing.
“Just look at him!” She asks, she definitely drunk.
“Please don't point at people, it's not nice.” I tell her, taking her hand down.
“I'm just trying to help you. You need someone to help you to get over that jerk.”
“We are not in some fucking candy store where you can just pick someone like that.”
“Are you sure?”
“Please!... Pauli, please, take her home. Please.” I look at him and he laughs, Cecilia nudges my arm.
“Now that's not nice.” She pouts.
“I just don't want to sleep with some random guy, okay?”
“Jesse! You're my little brother for goodness sake, I wouldn't allow you to sleep with some random guy, just so you know. No, I was talking about dancing, maybe some kissing, holding hands and that is all!” She looks at me firmly.
“You obviously don't know guys... “I sigh and take a long sip of my drink.

Kim is staring at me, really staring at me, in a longing way. Why haven't I noticed this before? I try to think of something else... Blond hair, green eyes, light freckles, firm ass... hm... Okay now, hold back, and stop thinking about him! Then I think of Joni and mentally hit myself.

*********

“Jesse, can we talk?” Kim asks after my sister and Pauli have left us alone to go dancing together.
“Um yeah sure.” I taste my drink.
“I really think we should talk about what happened the other night.” He keeps his eyes on me.
“Really, there's nothing to talk about, um... I...” I look away from him, hoping that he would just drop it.
“Jesse...” Kim apparently has other plans, he takes my hand in his, leans closer. “I really do love you, and I... I only ask once chance... Maybe I could make you happy? I know what I am, I know I'm not like him, I don't look like him not even the slightest, but weren't you the one who told me that looks don't matter? Weren't you the guy who told me that he liked me?” Dammit, I should have known that alcohol was a bad idea. Helplessly I pull my hand back and look at him.

“Kim... I'm sorry, I... I just don't feel that way about you... I mean you're my friend, I've known you since I was 12 and... and I just think, well, I fear, that we would ruin our friendship if it didn't work out, you know? And I really don't want to loose you as my friend.”
“We could try? You know, I wouldn't let it affect on our friendship, even if it wouldn't work out between us. I just want to love you. Please give a chance.” Oh god I hate it when they start begging. I do not want to hurt him, why can't he see how difficult this already is?
“I just broke up with Joni.”
“I could make it better,” Lord I would like just scream out loud from frustration.
“I can't see myself with you that way, I'm sorry Kim.”
“It's because I'm fat... I knew it.” He has that tone of voice, that; oh pity me, the whole world hates me.
“No, it's not that, it's because you're my friend Kim, like a brother to me, I... It would just feel wrong to...”
“Spear me of that crap Jesse...” Kim stands up. “You're just like them, I should have known. Hope you have a good life.” Anger and hurt flashes through hie eyes. Is he ending our friendship because of this? Some people really should stay clear of alcohol. He starts walking away from the table to get his coat.

“Kim!” I call him, hurrying after him. ”Please don't walk away like this.” I grasp his arm, and he turns to look at me.
“I love you, have you really been so blind not to notice? I've loved you since the first day. You've been kind to me when no one else wasn't, you stood up to me when no one else did. And all these years I've loved you, and it hurt like hell seeing you with that jerk of a boyfriend. Every time he kissed you, I wished it was me, every time he touched you, I wish it had been my hands to touch, every time he made you smile, every time he made you laugh, I wished that it would have been me... You made me feel good about myself, like I was worthy of something. But now I see, that all of it was just in my head, I never could have had you, not because I am your friend Jesse, it's not that and you and I both know it. I do not have a great body, I am not a jerk like Joni, I would never do what he did to you. I would never hurt you. Maybe I'm just too kind and just too fat.” I look at him tears in my eyes.

“You would never hurt me Kim? Can't you see that it's just what you did? You stand here, tell me that you love me and at the same time you accuse of being false. You accuse me of lying to you, being like them you said... I do love you Kim, as my friend and now... You make it sound like either I take you as my boyfriend or I'll loose you completely, is that it? Because if it is, then who's the one being false here?” He looks at me straight in the eyes, long moment of silence until he pulls away from me.
“I can't deal with this now, it hurts too much.” He says simply and walks away. Blinking my eyes I look after him, feeling so lost.

“What's the matter baby, you look too pretty to cry.” I hear some drunken man asking, touching my ass lightly.
“Fuck off!” I curse and walk away towards the table, this is so not my day.

Suddenly I hear a sound of familiar laughter and turn my head towards it. Marko. I stop and stare at him, listening. He's sitting on some mans lap.
“Well I just love americans.” He says then, flirting shamelessly with the guys sitting in the same table.

He looks so good right now, like he's whole being would bring light to the dim club, the clothes he wear seem to be licking that amazing body of his, his blond hair mixed up with some gel. I suddenly remember how it felt like to kiss him, in that dark room of the sauna and at the same time I feel mad as I remember what he did with Joni, messing up my life, leaving me confused, not quite knowing what to feel, what to think. Did he mean what he said in that message? I wonder

I step closer to their table, our eyes meet and his laughter stops, the moments stops.
“Marko.” I speak his name out loud.
“Jesse.” He says and all their attention is drawn on me. Marko looks insecure, maybe even a bit scared and also a bit hopeful

“Is this your friend?” Someone asks in English. They urge me to sit down and join them and as if hypnotized by Marko's eyes I decide to do so. We keep staring at each others, both unsure what to say or how to act. They keep asking me questions and I try my best to answer, not really interested of any of them.
Someone hands me a drink and I take it even when the back of my mind I know that I should be careful. I ignore the insecurity in the back of my head and drink the glass empty.
“So what were you guys thinking coming here? Were you on drugs perhaps? Extreme traveling?” Marko laughs. Great, Mr. Paris Hilton has come back to join us. “I mean, honestly; why here? There's nothing here, our capital is like bird poop next to other capitals.”
“Sun isänmaallisuus on todella liikuttavaa.” I mutter looking at him from under my brows. For a moment his smile wavers.
“What did he say?” The man asks.
“Oh, something about me not being much of a patriot.” Marko sighs. “And he's right.” Marko says looking at me.

The man laughs, holding him, touching him. I don't like him touching him... But I stay silent and just stare. Younger guy, about my age starts talking to me, he's handsome, the kind that would usually wake my interest, but not now. I feel strange, at the same time I'm really mad at Marko and at the same time something else. I don't know what to feel, I don't know if I would like to slap Marko's cheek or kiss him senseless. Another drink is offered to me and I drink it down. I just feel so annoyingly confused about everything, so much has happened in these past two days, leaving me so lost, like I wouldn't know myself anymore.
 

Chapter 13.

Chapter 13.

It’s such a crazy night. My sister found us and all I can say; poor Americans. She sat in the same table, forcing herself between me and the young guy, who’s name is like Jeffrey or something like that –I haven’t really payed much attention on what he’s been telling me. Anyhow, Cecilia however is convinced that there is something going on between us, failing to see how I keep looking at someone totally different.

Her whole being is screaming; I’m so fucking drunk, don’t give me anymore alcohol and take me home!’

Well anyway, here she was demanding to see his driving licence or some kind of ID. The guy in his confused state of mind pulled it out for her from his wallet and she tried to write information down, starting to doubt if he was really 21 and really from Chicago.

Then she gave him the warning; dare to touch even one hair in my baby brothers head without his promise and I make you regret the very day when you were born. And of course she also decided that it was good thing to tell him that there was no way that I would sleep with him on this first nigh; only kissing, dancing and holding hands would be allowed. I swear, if that guy even had any attentions towards me, I’m quite sure that my sister got them all to disappear. Not that I care so much, just that I’m quite embarrassed about this whole thing, I wish I could just lie that she wasn’t really my sister, but just some crazy woman who keeps following me around.

Then she noticed Marko and with a loud clear voice she shrieked something like: Mr. Paris Hilton is here!’ Another moment when I truly wished to die. Then she got into her head that she needed to take care of fellow citizens, even though they might be slightly silly blonds. So she asked to see that other guys ID. This was the moment when Pauli finally came to save us all, and told me he was taking her home and reminded me that I was welcomed to their house for the night, even if I would come there later in the night or morning; and then he grinned.

Another disturbing moment was when my sister whispered to me that the Joni situation was taken care off and the bastard would soon get what was coming, on top of that she winked at me . I dare not to think what she might have done.

Then, speaking of the devil, as I was on coming back from the men’s room I ran in to him;literally.

Joni took a hold of my arm.
“Jesse…” He whispered, looking at me with such sadness, with such a regret that it almost made me want to forgive him right there and then, but only almost.
“Let. Go. Of. Me.” I hissed, refusing to look at him.
“I miss you, please sweetheart; don’t you miss me at all? Don’t you miss our home?”
“I do not miss your lying cheating arse.” I looked up into his eyes, it still hurt, it hurt like hell.
Then he took my hand in his, touched my cheek and it felt so familiar, so warm.
“I love you Jesse.” He whispered and the dark, smooth voice of his got me to tremble. I close my eyes.
“No, you don’t, you only love yourself.” I managed to whisper back.
“It’s not true honey, I miss you, I love you, more that you’ll ever know.” I wanted to believe him, but I couldn’t give in, I couldn’t let him get to me.
“You only miss the sex, it’s the only thing that you loved in me…” I looked at him again, pulling my arm free. “Good bye.”

“Wait, where are you going?”
“I’m going to explore life, new possibilities.” I turned around to face him.”You see those men sitting over there.” I asked him, he looked towards the table.
“Those with Marko?" He asked with confusion.
“Yes.” I smiled and leaned closer. “Well, baby.” I breathed in his ear. “I’m going with them, to their hotel room, we’re going to have an orgy that will last long to the next day. And if it’s true that everything is... hm…bigger, in America, well then; I’m sure I’ll have the time of my life.” I watched the utter disbelief in his eyes, the shock and I felt incredibly satisfied.

I didn’t look back when we left the club. I didn’t know what I was going to do; all I could feel was anger, hurt and confusion.

Marko’s worried green eyes, the chatter of the Americans, walking, we were walking and I didn’t even know where.

Jeffry was offering me more to drink and I took it, hungrily wanting to forget, wanting to get rid of the pain, the ache in my chest, I’ve always been too sensitive to these things. Have to grow up, have to be a man and not some silly cry baby.

We’re sitting at the beach, I don’t know why we came here. The rain clouds are long gone, sun is beginning to rise and it’s not even four A.M yet. I can hear Marko telling them something about Santa Claus; don’t they know that Santa lives in Finland?! Apparently they didn’t.

“Want to go some place?…” Jefferey or Jeremy or whats his face is asking as he kisses my neck, breathing heavily. The soft wind, birds are singing, waves of the ocean. Some place? I let him pull me up from the sand, he holds my hand as we walk; some place, again he offers me more to drink and I take it. I just want to forget…. Marko, his voice, I don’t hear his voice anymore, where are we? I fall on the ground on my knees and laugh. “Ups.” I giggle. He falls down next to me,
“Ups,” he laughs, his brown eyes looks into mine, he is kind of cute, wonder what it would be like to move to America. I’d never have to see Joni again, that’s a big plus. He pulls me on top of him and kisses me. His hands are moving on my ass, squeezing. I kiss him back, moist kisses but I feel nothing. I stumble, sitting up on his pelvis, my legs on each side of him. How did I end up like this?

The wind feels so good on my face, I bend my neck back, gaze up. It’s so beautiful. Where´s Marko?
Jeff runs his hands on my side and suddenly turns me over, under him. I look up to him, slightly confused.
“Where are the others?” I ask, try to look around. We’re still at the beach.
“We don’t need them.” He whispers kissing me again, I can feel his hardness against my thigh. Do I want this? Did I ask for this? His hands start opening my jeans. I guess my sisters warning didn’t scare him after all.

I’m not aroused by him, by this situation, sex on the beach with a stranger; I decide it’s not a good idea, besides you can get the sand in places that you don’t want to get it.
“Hey, I think we should stop.” I whisper.
“Don’t worry, I have a condom, we can place my jacket under you.” Oh well doesn’t that just solve everything?
“No, I-, please, stop.” I try to get his hands away as he starts pulling my jeans down to my ankles.
“Shut up, I know you want this… You and your friend have been begging for it the whole night.”
“We have not, get off of me!” I struggle from under him, scream and get a slap on the face. This can’t be happening I think as I start to panic.

“Get the fuck off of him right now!” An angry voice suddenly hisses from behind. Jeffery looks up, I lay there in shock, trembling, breathing fast, my hands on either side of my face. Slowly he stands up.
“Easy there, I wasn’t going to hurt him.” He holds his hands up and I can finally see my saviour; Marko. He is holding a piece of wood in his hands and looking quite pissed off; ready to strike the guy with it. Now I’m even in a bigger shock.
“Wasn’t how it looked to me. When someone is asking you to stop then you fucking stop! Now piss off or I’ll fucking beat the shit out of you.” Marko glares at him, his eyes are glimmering in anger and I’ve never seen him looking like that, I’ve never seen him looking so strong and fierce. The guy backs off and leaves, Marko looks after him, until he’s disappeared from view.

“Are you alright?” He asks and looks at me with worry. I zip my jeans back up. I’m so ashamed, confused, not really sure what just happened. Marko kneels down. I look at him through my tears, still trembling.
“I’m fine, I could have handled that myself.” I tell him.
“Really?” He asks and I stay quiet. “Listen Jesse, I’m sorry, for being such a jerk and you have every right to hate me and… But I do care for you,”
“You have a funny way of showing it; sleeping with my boyfriend.” I mutter, wiping the tears away, hating myself for crying in front of him.
“I’m sorry, it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.”
“And what about today; uh; well I just love Americans, you’re so hot, everything is so fucking hot! You were giggling like some god damn school girl.” I look at him carefully.
“It was stupid, stupid acting… I-, I thought I had nothing to loose and I… I was wrong and now this happened and-, I’m sorry Jesse…” I wipe the sand off my jeans, play with the sleeves of my shirt nervously. “If it makes you feel any better I stole some money from them.” He whispers then, I meet with his eyes and he grins.
“You did?” I ask.
“Yeah… And I have the cell phone from that jerk.” He shows me the phone. “Must have dropped it when he was trying to…” I start to tremble again, I was almost… just now, almost… the R-word? Or maybe it wouldn’t have come to that, not really…

“Uhum… anyway, you know what I think we should do? Try to call some sex line with this, leave it on and get one hell of a phone bill to him. If he hasn’t been smart enough to put a call block to those numbers.”
“I don’t know…”
“Come on Jesse, you know he’d deserve it.”
“Well, he did call me a whitey and he tried to… Um, yes, lets try that.”
I decide then. He smiles and starts to dial. I wonder silently how he can remember those kind of numbers. He looks at me. “I’ve dated so many jerks, you wouldn’t believe it, this is one of my favorite pranks on them.” He grins at me, almost as if he’d be able to read my thoughts.
“Come, lets go… Lets get you home.” He says then, stands up and offers his hand. I take it. When did Marko become the strong one? When did he become my hero? This can’t be right…

Web published: My Secret Shore

© KOLGRIM 2006 - 2010

Love and Broken Hearts Ch 14-27

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