Chapter 27
Alex:
That
first day I simply sat with him
outside watching him paint, he didn’t speak much and I
didn’t push the
conversation either. I wasn’t sure how to approach him; he was
wounded and
mistrusting for a good reason. I thought I could at first just allow
him to get
used to my presence there beside him and perhaps eventually he would
start
talking.
Taffy
sat on my lap as I stroked her
fur gently and she seemed to enjoy the attention and petting that she
got. A lazy
summer afternoon, at times Jo glanced at me like trying to figure me
out and I
kept wondering what was going through his mind. I reminded myself that
I was in
no rush to go anywhere and that with right amount of patience I would
see more
progress.
I
ate dinner with the family and
then left back to my hotel after having a short conversation with his
parents
and agreeing that I would again arrive the following morning. Saara, I
think
was more forgiving of my long lasted absence than Jo’s father
was, but I felt
grateful that even he didn’t object my visits. I guess in the end
he was
curious if I could manage in the task of getting Jo out of his shell.
We all
agreed that everything went on Jo’s terms, they wouldn’t
intervene too much and
it would be up to Jo if he would later invite me to stay at the house,
in the
mean time I would continue travelling back and forth.
Two
days went by like this and
finally on the third I decided to try and take the next step.
“Would
you go for a walk with me
Jo?” I asked after watching him paint for some time. His painting
brush stopped
its movement and he turned his gaze to me. “We could take Taffy
with us?” I
suggested and saw him hesitate for a moment before he finally nodded. I
smiled
and got up. “I’ll go and get the leash.” I told him
and again he nodded
starting to collect his paints and brushes.
“I
need to wash these first,” he
said and glanced at me to which I smiled softly.
“Okay,
meet you at the front,” I
replied and walked to the house Taffy following.
“So,
where would you like to go?” I
asked him and Jo shrugged. “How about to that forest, it seems
quite peaceful?”
I suggested, Joonas looked around carefully before nodding. We started
to walk;
I allowed my eyes take in the beauty of the nature. Joonas walked
beside me,
quiet and observing the surroundings, it seemed to me that it was more
to watch
any possible signs of danger than the pure enjoyment of nature, every
little
sound made him startle and when another man happened to walk by I
noticed him
moving closer to my side. It was sad and sweet at the same time; sad
that he
was so mistrusting and scared, sweet that whether it was unconscious
behaviour
or not; he still sought comfort from me, which meant I still had some
level of
his trust. We walked a narrow sand road, the sun shone through the
trees and to
me it seemed somehow mystical.
“It’s
beautiful here,” I finally
said wanting to break the silence. Jo looked up to me, almost smiling.
“Yes…”
He whispered then and drifted
his gaze down to the path that we were walking on. I looked at him,
wishing he
would speak more, tell me if he had made his decision yet, but at the
same time
I didn’t want to push him.
“Have
you walked here often?” I
asked just wanting to start up a conversation with him.
“Sometimes,
with my sister or my parents…”
He replied quietly. “Never alone,” he added and glanced at
me, wrapping his
arms around himself. I nodded at this wondering if he would ever be
able to
trust new people with everything that he had been through. I felt his
gaze on
me and turned my face to him, saw the thoughtful expression and smiled
gently.
“What is it?” I asked carefully and
Jo sighed,
even smiled a little, though the sorrow from his eyes never faded.
“It
would be like this Alex,” he
started.
“Yes?”
I asked and looked at him
expectantly, waiting for him to continue.
“Quiet
walks like this and quiet
life, I easily get anxious around other people,” he explained and
quickly
glanced at my hand to my wedding ring before looking back up. “I
just really
find this difficult, life in general and…” Again he turned
his gaze from me
before continuing. “I don’t know if you realise how
difficult it would be with
me. I am not some wounded animal that you can look after and feel
better about
yourself… The thing is Alex, I am scared to let you in my life
again, scared to
let you close, I’m afraid that if I do…” Another
deep sigh. “There’s only so
much that I can take, I don’t think I could handle letting you
close again and
then watching you leave.”
“Jo…”
I started, but he stopped walking
and held his hand out to signal he had more to say. We stood face to
face and I
waited while wanting to reassure him that I had no intention of leaving
if he
only would let me back in.
“This
is… so difficult…” his voice
trembled slightly and for a moment he brought his hand to his lips
avoiding my
gaze. “I’m so afraid… all the time and I don’t
know what to do… I’m turning 23
soon and… I don’t know how to build my life back…
And it would only make your
life difficult as well; you don’t want someone so confused like I
am… You need
a lover and I-… God… what they did… “ He
started to tremble, tears forming in
his eyes and insecurely I reached out to touch his shoulders. At first
he
backed away, shaking his head and I felt helpless wanting to comfort
him, to
hold him and…
“Jo…shh…
please, Jo…I would never
hurt you… I love you…” I whispered and he looked
into my eyes in searching way,
silent for some time.
“You
have your life in
“I’m
not asking you to…” I whispered
to him softly and carefully reached my hand to his face, gently
brushing the
tears away with my thumb.
“You
would leave everything and move
here?” He questioned and I nodded.
“You
are my husband and my place is
with you,” I told him calmly, smiling a little. Jo frowned.
“I
don’t want you to sacrifice your
life for me!” He suddenly snapped, breathing tensely. “You
could have so much
better than me! I don’t think you realise…” He
stopped and took a deep breath
then held out his arms in front of me so that I could see the scars on
his
wrists. “This is me Alex, there are scars and some you
can’t see but they are
there. I’ve changed and you miss the person that I was, not the
one that I am
now. “
“I
know what happened, I hurt as
well and I can’t pretend it didn’t happen either…
And yes of course you’ve
changed, I’ve changed, but neither one of us have changed
completely and not...
I know that deep down, you are the same Jo I fell in love with and I
want to be
here with you good or bad.” I took a deep breath, carefully
taking his hand; he
didn’t draw back which made me relieved. “Jo, I know it
won’t be easy, but
staying away would be harder. I don’t ask you to… sleep
with me,” I whispered
and his gaze sifted from me. “Or even share the bed, not if you
are not ready,
all I ask, for now, is to share your life with me as innocently as you
like…
And I promise that I’m not going anywhere…”
“You are so stubborn…” He
whispered then and I
smiled.
“Yes,
I am,” I whispered back,
brushing his cheek gently with my hand and he frowned looking at me. “I do love you Jo,” I repeated.
“Please let
me back into your life?”
“I’m
scared…”
“I
know, but you don’t have to be
with scared with me.” Jo lowered his gaze and when we heard
voices, male voices
he looked around us his breathing quickening, seeking my hand which he
squeezed; an act that made me smile because it really did mean that he
trusted
me. “Let’s go back to the house,” I suggested and he
nodded staying close to my
side as we walked.
“Would
you like to come upstairs?”
Jo asked once we reached the front yard and I nodded feeling hopeful.
Jo picked
Taffy up to his arms and we walked together to the house.
From
the stairs we entered straight
into his kitchen; which was spacious and decorated with light colours.
Jo
lowered Taffy on the floor and she headed straight to her bowl to drink
some
water. “Now that I have my own floor it’s not a problem to
keep Taffy, you
know, because my dad is allergic.” Jo explained watching her and
seeming
slightly nervous. “I can give you a small tour if you
like?” He asked glancing
at me and sneaking his hands into his pockets.
“Yes,
I would like that.” I said and
the followed him.
“Here’s
the living room…”
“Looks
nice,” I smiled, the room was
simple, calming colours and green plants, a peaceful sea shore picture
on the
wall. Jo smiled faintly and showed his bedroom and bathroom hastily
before
walking back into the kitchen.
“Would
you like some juice?”
“Sure,
thanks,” I answered and took
a seat down in front of the table. I gazed around the room, then out
from the
window. “It truly is beautiful here,” I took note and
glanced at him again,
receiving another careful almost hesitant smile. He placed the glass of
juice
in front of me and sat down opposite from me.
“We
could afford this house because
of the money I got from them…” Jo whispered, looking down
at the glass in his
hands. “It feels… weird…” He confessed and
looked outside. I thought it was a
good sign that he started to talk about it. “Did you know that
his mother send
me some money as well?” He asked not looking at me, keeping his
gaze outside.
“No,
I didn’t…” I answered watching
him carefully. Jo shrugged.
“I
guess she doesn’t want me to
start talking about it publicly, as if I even would…” He
smiled somewhat
bitterly still not looking at me and then he sighed. “I saw Henri
once, some
months ago. I saw him while mom was picking me up from my therapy. He
came from
the shop near by, was walking to his car and I know he saw me. He was
lucky
that my mom didn’t see him…” Jo smiled sadly and I
didn’t want to interrupt him,
only kept hoping I could make him feel better about
everything.“…And I didn’t
say anything to her. He hurried to his car and drove off… and
that was that…”
Jo’s gaze drifted to his hands. “Perhaps he feels
remorse… “ He shrugged. “It
made me feel… empty… out of energy… There has to
be something wrong with me… My
therapist says it wasn’t my fault, but it has to be…
It’s not normal… and you…
You tried to warn me, but…” I reached to take his hand in
mine.
“It
was not your fault!” I said,
feeling upset. “None of it!” He turned his eyes to me
watching me carefully.
“There are many should haves, would haves… We can’t
take it back, but… “ I
continued to hold his hand which he didn’t try to draw back and
it gave me
hope. “This fits,” I whispered, curling my fingers around
his. “We can’t take
back what happened, but we can live together and survive together,
please let
me back… I’ve missed you.”
He
was silent for awhile, looking at
our joined hands. “I don’t know if you
realise…” He started. “I’m still not
well, I have to see my therapist regularly and like I said I get
anxious easily
and I… My life is not easy to share and you could have something
normal instead
of someone like me…” He carefully pulled his hand back.
“No,
I can’t have something normal,
what is that anyway?” I asked. “I love you Jonas, what
happened affected me as
well… Your wound is mine and I want to find the cure with you,
can’t you see
that? I know that you have trust in me left, I see it… Please,
let me back into
your life?”
He
watched me for a while before
getting up. “Would you like something to eat?” He asked
instead of replying. “I
could prepare some salad and chicken,” he continued and I sighed.
“Sure,
if you let me help you?” I
asked and he glanced at me while getting ingredients from the fridge.
“If
you like,” he said softly and
kneeled to take a pan from the cupboard. I walked beside him, observing
Jo
carefully as he started cutting the vegetables. “You can fry the
chicken Alex,
if you want to?” He suggested without looking at me.
“Yes,”
I smiled and nodded, keeping
my eyes on him. I still hadn’t received my answer, I felt anxious
though I kept
trying to remind myself to be patient. I kept wondering what went
through his
mind, wishing I could read him better.
Finally
we sat back in front of the
table to eat. I couldn’t take my eyes from Jo, and it still felt
somehow
surreal to see him there, so close and so… familiar. If only I
could have held
him, kiss his forehead, and hold his hand in mine. He took small bites,
ate
slowly but at least he ate. And I… The silence that had settled
made my
anxiousness crow; I wanted so badly to be his again, to know that I was
accepted back where I belonged. Finally he brought his gaze up to me,
watching me
silently for awhile as if wondering about something.
“What
would you do, Alex?” He asked
then barely loud enough for me to hear.
“What
do you mean?” I asked with
confusion and he seemed to hesitate a moment before replying.
“If
you were to live here,” he
answered tilting his head and I couldn’t help but to smile as all
my hopes
woke.
“Find
work and study Finnish,
perhaps you could help me with that?” I placed my fork down not
taking my eyes
from him. “The language I mean…”
Jo
bit his lip, glanced at Taffy who
lay beside the table watching us. “Why would you want to be with
me Alex?” He
whispered. “I am nothing…”
“That’s
not true Jo, you are
everything to me,” I told him and slowly started to move my hand
across the table,
closer to his, my fingertips touched his. “We’re both still
young...” I
started, watching his slender hand. “We have time …
Jo,” I brought my gaze back
up to his glimmering eyes. “I know it won’t be easy. I know
there will be
nightmares and uneasy nights, I know you are scared and wish to avoid
crowds
and new people, I understand. I also know there might come times when
you want
to get away from my closeness and that is fine, sometimes we will argue
and
that is fine as well. I won’t always understand your actions and
neither you will
mine but with time, with years passing we learn each other better and
know what
to expect from the other. I love you, I want to be with you, good or
bad,
because I also know there will be good and there will be happiness,
trust me.”
I carefully closed his hand in mine, giving it a gentle squeeze.
“Small steps,
just holding hands, that’s all for now and later…” I
shrugged. “We’ll see, we
learn how to touch again the way you feel comfortable, you set the
rules and I
will follow them, I only want to be in your life again.” I knew I
was repeating
myself but in this situation I thought it was needed.
“Can
you really satisfy yourself
with that?” He whispered after what had seemed minutes of
silence. “I’m still
scared you might leave me later, after… I’m just
frightened…”
“I
won’t leave you, I promise.” I
told him knowing full well that with him, in this situation it
couldn’t be just
trying how it would feel, it was commitment that he needed.
“I’ll be here, we
make it work together,” I assured and he looked at me with still
watering eyes,
hesitating smile and then a final nod. He brought his hands to his neck
pulling
out the chain that was partly hidden under his shirt and I saw the ring
attached
to it. Jo’s hands were trembling slightly as he unlocked it and
took the ring
to his hand, then brought his gaze up to me.
“I’m
not ready to share my bed yet
and I can’t promise anything… I… Perhaps… if
you are willing to patient and
wait and… just… If you are sure that this is what you
really want then you may
put my ring back to my finger, but only if you are sure?”
“Didn’t
I already say that I am?” I
asked smiling slightly, gently taking his left hand and then the ring
which he
held on his right palm which I slipped to his slender finger, the ring
was
slightly loose but I was sure that with time I would get Jo to eat more
and
then it would fit better. “There, now it looks right.” I
smiled and got another
smile from him, it was still weary smile but more real and honest I had
seen in
those few days. I brought my hand to his face, caressing his cheek
softly. “I
missed that smile…”
**^^**^^**
Eventually
I moved my belongings
from
At first I slept in the living room, a month
went by and he requested me to the bedroom where I slept on the floor
at the
beginning. His nightmares usually woke me up and after some time he
started to
crawl from the bed to my mattress snuggling close to my side which
meant a huge
deal. Innocent closeness and warmth, I often laid awake just watching
him sleep
there next to me, gently stroking his hair feeling amazed and blessed
to have
him there with me after already thinking I had lost him for good.
Sometimes the
amount of love I felt for him felt so intense that it was frightening,
I never
wanted to lose him again and I knew I would always act protective
towards him. By
fall we shared the same bed and by that time we had shared our first
kiss after
those two years that we had missed. Jo wasn’t ready yet to take
it beyond
kissing and cuddling but it was fine since I had known from the start
that it
might take quite awhile. I considered sleeping on the same bed and
kissing
quite huge progress in the matter of just 3 months.
I
watched him getting healthier,
eating habits turning more normal, smiling more often and more sincere
and with
each passing day I felt more and more certain we could one day reach
some form
of normality in our lives. Slow steps, careful steps, but there was no
hurry,
we had our whole lives ahead. We might not have had the happily ever
after, but
we had each other and as difficult as it sometimes was, the love that
we shared
conquered even the ugliest nightmares. I had my Jo and he was all that
I needed
or ever wanted. Plenty of patience, plenty of care, the road was long
but I was
ready for the journey, it would be worth it and we would survive; I
knew we
would.
-The
end-
Web published: My Secret Shore
May 16th, 2010.
© KOLGRIM