Chapter 26
Alex:
My
hands are sweating, heart beating nervously. We’re about to
land;
they say and ask us passengers to fasten our seatbelts. I chew a piece
of gum
trying to prevent my ears from locking; I hate it when that happens.
“Flying
makes me nervous as well, but don’t worry, I dare say we make
it
in one piece this time.” A young woman next to me chuckles. I
glance at her and
smile. It is not the flying that gets me nervous, yet I don’t
feel the need to
explain that to her. I drift my gaze outside to the open fields and
forest,
little houses, freeway with tiny cars driving through it. The day is
beautiful,
clear sky; sun is shining, temperature reaching to +25C. The closer we
get to land
the more nervous and anxious I get.
I
have no idea of what I should say to him, no idea of where to start.
Can he even forgive me for staying away so long? I look at the ring on
my left
hand wondering if I really even have the right to wear it now. What can
I
expect? I talked with his mother to let her know I wanted to see
Joonas. Though
she did not say it I could still tell that she wasn’t pleased
of
my long lasted
silence. Jo is living with them, they moved from their previous home to
a house
where Jo has the whole upper level to his use, with his own bathroom,
kitchen,
living room and bedroom, it’s the closest thing to an
independent
life that he
can manage right now, when he gets frightened he knows his parents are
right
downstairs and can seek comfort from them which he often still does
according
to his mother.
She
said she can’t promise if he will talk to me or not, said he
still
hasn’t talked about me or mentioned anything of the time
spend in
Germany,
except perhaps to his therapist. Yet she knows he thinks of me, he
still keeps
the necklace with his ring and has my picture which she said
she’s caught him
looking from time to time. So, perhaps there is hope? I wonder wishing
with all
my heart for it to be so.
I’ve
rented a car from the airport; it’s just easier this way.
It’s an
hour drive from the airport to their house, but first I’ll
stop
by to freshen
up at the hotel that I booked for myself, after everything I
didn’t even dare
to ask if I could stay at their house. Everything depends on Jo now,
but I am
prepared to stay longer if he only agrees to meet with me.
A
short cooling shower, change of clothes and fixing up my hair. I feel
like a nervous school boy getting ready for his first date. I am not
sure when
is the last time I spend such a long time gazing myself from the
mirror. A deep
breath, trying to calm down wondering what awaits me. Does he still
look the
same? How much has he changed? A part of me expects to find the Jo I
married
the other tries to remind myself that most likely it will not be the
case and I
should be prepared for everything not to disappoint myself.
I
decide to buy some flowers to Jo’s mom, chocolate for Jo, I
would
feel
silly to arrive with empty hands yet as I gaze at the bouquet and the
box of
chocolate on the seat next to me I can’t help but to feel
just as
silly. Are flowers
supposed to wash away the things that I did wrong? My long lasted
silence? Gods…
My hands sweat, I feel odd kind of pressure in my chest and my heart
keeps
beating uncontrollably fast. I check the map; keep getting lost few
times,
probably because of my nerves.
Finally
the house comes to my view; it’s located in peaceful
countryside
area, idyllic, large gardens and big beautiful houses. I park on the
driveway,
as I step out I hear children’s laughter and smile at the
sight
of the
neighbourhood kids running around and playing among themselves.
Everything is
so green, so beautiful, the air feels so fresh and for a moment I feel
happiness that Jo’s living in this beautiful, restful place.
As I
approach the
front door, the bouquet of flowers in one hand, the chocolates on the
other I
feel my nerves kick in once more. This is it, after all these months I,
the repentant
husband have come to beg my spouse to open his loving arms back to me.
He has
every reason to deny me, but I can not rest until I’ve tried.
I
take a deep breath before ringing the doorbell. And it feels like
minutes before I finally hear the approaching steps. Jo’s
father,
I swallow in
front of his hard gaze, I don’t think he ever did like me
much
and now…
“Hi,”
I try to smile, my throat
feels
dry, like I would have swallowed a piece of sand paper,
“I-“
“Come
in,” he says shortly and holds the door open for me.
“Thank
you,” I nod feeling somehow silly and out of place.
“Saara,
Alex is here!” He calls and glares at me. “How was
your
flight?”
He asks, the question is polite but his voice is still somehow cold.
“It
was good, thank you.” Jo’s mother steps out from
behind the
corner;
she looks at me and smiles softly.
“Alex,
how good to see you. You look well.” She hesitates a moment
before walking closer and giving me a short hug.
“Good
to see you as well, these are for you.” I hand the lilac
tulips
to
her and she takes them, smelling them carefully.
“These
are very beautiful, thank you.” She turns her gaze to her
husband. “Darling can you find a vase to these.”
“Sure,”
the man replies shortly and gives a final glare to me before
turning. I wonder where Jo is, I try to look around but I can not see
him. Does
he not know that I was coming?
“Joonas
is at the backyard with Taffy,” Saara tells me looking at me
with curiosity. “I told him you were coming today, I think
he’s little nervous
to see you… You must understand?”
“Of
course,” I reply with hoarse voice and nod.
“Would
you like something to drink first?” She asks and I shake my
head.
“I
just… I really want to see him, can I?”
“Sure,
follow me,” we move through the house, to the living room
where
there’s a glass door leading to outside. Already before
stepping
outside I see
him through the glass and almost forget how to breathe. He sits on a
stool,
under an apple tree, painting, Taffy rests next to his
feet’s.
For a moment I
stand still and watch them; the concentrated look on Jo’s
face,
the way his
hair glimmers golden under the rays of sun. The sight is so familiar
and
strange at the same time and I have no idea what my first words should
be, all
of them sound silly in my head.
“Can
I go there alone?” I ask Saara, whose presence I still feel
beside
me.
“Alright,
I’ll bring you some lemonade in a bit.” She says
and turns
to
leave and I finally reach to open the door. Taffy immediately stands up
at the
sound and turns to look at me, at first she looks hesitant and
let’s out a
small bark, getting Jo’s attention as well. For a moment we
stare
at each other
through the distance. Taffy wriggles her tail and starts to run towards
me,
continuing to bark excitedly. Can she remember me after such a long
time? I
wonder, smile and kneel down when she reaches me. She jumps towards me
licking
my hands all over as I pet her gently.
“Hi
there girl, I missed you, I did.” I tell her smiling at the
small
dog before I bring my gaze back up to Jo. He hasn’t moved
from
his seat but he
looks towards us and I am unable to read his expression, whether
he’s happy or
not to see me, I guess he’s more surprised than anything
else.
“Hi, Jo…” I
finally say, just to say something allowing my eyes to take in his
form. He’s
beautiful just like I remembered, his eyes no longer hold the haunted
stare I
had to witness at the hospital but the certain sorrow remains.
He’s lost weight
making him look more fragile and I can’t help to think how
much I
want to take
care of him, nourish him back to his former health. How I wish he would
smile,
instead he turns his gaze back to his painting, continuing to move his
brush on
the canvas.
“You
could have just sent the papers and I would have signed
them,” he
says then and I frown in confusion as I stand up.
“Papers?”
“For
the divorce,” he answers as if determined not to look at me
again.
“It’s
not why I’m here Jo,” I tell him and feel sadness
that he
would
think it’s the reason for my visit, but on the other hand, I
was
away so long,
can I really blame him?
“Then
why are you?”
“To
see you,” I reply and walk closer with hesitant steps. I can
see
how
he grits his teeth, his gaze hardening for a second directed at the
painting.
“Now
you have,” he says flatly and I feel the remorse. I
don’t
know what
I expected from this meeting but I guess I had hoped for more warmth as
silly
as it may be. When close enough, I take a look at the painting; the
garden
scenery in front of him. “I’m not very good, I dare
say I
never quite make it
as an artist but painting relaxes me.” He says then as if
waiting
for me to
critic his work. I smile at this.
“I
think it looks good,” I tell him and mean it. Moment of
silence
before he turns his gaze back up to me, searching wondering eyes, so
many
questions and I would like to be able to answer them but I am not sure
if I
can. “Y-you look good,” I whisper aching to touch
him and
this when he looks
away frowning and continuing to paint. My gaze is drawn to his wrists
and the
long scars running through each; such a painful sight to see.
“I
almost succeeded,” Jo starts then, mixing the colours on the
pallet.
“Killing myself, I don’t really remember it;
it’s
kind of a blur. I think I was
little crazy then, not just a little, they said something about mental
break
down.” He shrugs as if talking about the weather.
“I am
better now, not crazy,
well not as crazy at least… I wouldn’t try to kill
myself
anymore.” He sighs,
painting details on the apple tree. “I don’t want
my family
to go through that mess;
they’ve had it difficult enough as it is with me.”
I
am not sure what to say to this, it’s good that he talks, but
the
subject isn’t easy, though he almost makes it sound that way.
“I missed you,
Jo…” I whisper finally.
“I’m… happy to
see that you’re better…” I look down and
remember the box of chocolate I still hold in my other hand.
“I
brought you
some chocolate,” I tell him and hate how lame it sounds. He
glances at me, the
corners of his lips tucking up slightly trying to form a smile but it
dies away
quickly.
“I
don’t really eat chocolate anymore,” he replies and
turns
his gaze
back to the painting. Part of me is almost ready to say that it looks
that he
isn’t eating much anything but I manage to stop myself.
Silence
follows; I am
not sure what I could say and for a moment I just watch him painting.
“Perhaps
you change your mind, you used to love chocolate,” I say then
little awkwardly.
“I
used to love great many things,” he sighs and lowers the
paintbrush
down, keeping his eyes fixed on the painting.
“Alex,” he
starts. “I won’t get
angry or upset if you say you want to divorce. I am sure your new
partner won’t
understand that you’re still married and… We
married so I
could live with you
legally, we wouldn’t have otherwise, this wasn’t
what we
planned to happen, and
neither you nor I could see it coming. So, yes, I am releasing you form
our
partnership, there’s no need for guilt.”
His
words make me feel upset; the tone of his voice so flat and…
this
isn’t what I want! “I married you because I love
you, I
still do and… nothing
can change that Jo. Can’t you see Jo, I came here
to… to
tell you I still want
to try, if only you have me.”
Silence,
carefully he turns his face towards me. “I can’t be
a
husband
Alex, not very good one… You don’t want that,
this,
me… “He swallows heavily.
“I live day by day still learning how to function somewhat
normally and just
survive, learning to live with myself and learning to like
myself… You don’t
want this kind of life, trust me.” And stubbornly I shake my
head, feeling the
tears rising to my eyes. “Marriage is about sharing a bed
and… your body,” he
whispers. “I can’t do that, it scares
me… It
can’t be like it was back then,
staying with me would only make you miserable.” He takes a
deep
breath and
tries to smile. “You will find someone new, I know you
will.”
I
look at him for a moment before slowly kneeling by his side. I reach
for his hand, looking in his eyes. “I am miserable without
you
Jo,” I whisper.
“I confess I tried, for awhile I thought I could but I was
only
fooling myself.
I love you, I have no right to ask but I am… Please, let me
try?
Just let me be
here, by your side, I won’t ask anything that scares you, you
set
the lines and
I won’t break them. You don’t have to decide now,
okay? We
can take it slow,
for now I ask you to let me visit you while I am here, can I?”
He
slowly pulls his hand away looking confused. When he doesn’t
say
anything I decide to continue and tell him the truth.
“I’ll
be honest, I was living with Damian we were together, I was
hurting, lonely and… weak and you have every reason to hate
me
for it. I am not
with him anymore, I didn’t love him…
I-“Every word
sounds so silly, makes me
feel like a moron. “I love you and that’s the
truth.”
Long
lasting silence, Joonas looks around the garden and I can’t
read
his expression. Finally he sighs looking back at me and frowning.
“You always
were stubborn, weren’t you?” He asks and I am not
sure what
to say, Taffy sits
next to us and looks between Jo and myself. “Stay if you
like; I
won’t get mad
when you decide to leave. Perhaps then you find it easier to move
on.” He nods
and again drifts his gaze to his painting frowning still as he starts
to move
the brush over the canvas.
Saara
steps to the garden carrying a trade of lemonade and I continue to
observe Jo, there is a wall around him, mask of indifference he tries
his best
to maintain and it is the mask I want to break, that I am determined to
break. He’s
living half life and though it will not be an easy task I want to try
and bring
him back completely, make him enjoy life once more. I want to succeed
and I
will! After all, I have all the time in the world.
TBC.
Web published: My Secret Shore
April 30th, 2010.
© KOLGRIM