Chapter 25

I had lost the love of my life, where do you start after losing? I had no clue of where to go. All the coals that I had before seemed meaningless as did the life around me and I desperately needed something to hold on to. He was there, he was familiar and it was convenient. Damian became my life boat, my way to sail forward from the mental storm I had been in. I needed him, held on to him, more for selfish reasons than for true love for him. Perhaps he knew it? Yet he was willing to stay by me side and guide me on my way. Eventually the storm seemed to fade, water seemed clear and life reached its everyday routine; school, work, coming home and finding Damian there.

To be able to continue I allowed him to convince me that pushing away Jo’s memory completely was the only way that I could do so. Getting rid of the pictures and every small item that reminded of him seemed important, including my wedding ring; putting them in a small box and the box on top of the shelf to collect dust. Jo wasn’t dead, but we buried his memory. The contact that I had with his parents died down as well, much because of Damian. I would later realise that it was his jealousy that caused it, the realisation that I did not feel for him like I felt for Jo. Could I blame him? Not really, I allowed it, though deep down I knew the truth and I knew I was using Damian. I guess he loved me and he hoped that erasing the past could make me love him as well, but it never works that way does it? Not forever, the past always comes back to haunt you in one way or another if you do not properly close the past chapter of your life.

One thing I never did to was to divorce Jo, I had dismissed the though completely and eventually I suppose Damian didn’t even wish to remind me fearing to bring the memories back. Life was… satisfying yet not complete, I felt empty. I laughed and joked with my friends, slept with Damian, but inside… part of me was missing, the essential part.

Two years I fooled myself and then something happened, the past began to remind me of itself. Walking home from work one Spring afternoon coming across a couple who were walking a dog that looked like Taffy, perhaps I wouldn’t have noticed it if the dog hadn’t started barking and wriggling its little curly tail when trying to get close to me. I smiled absently and knelled, allowed the creature to lick my hand.

“She’s cute.” I looked up at the couple who smiled back at me.

“Thank you, we think so too.” The woman grinned.

“What’s her name?”

“Joanna.” The woman again answered and I slowly stood up, surprised, ‘Joanna’ My mind repeated. ‘Jo,’ it whispered soon after and I felt sudden tightness in my chest. Coincident?  I wondered, smiled and left.

But once the thought was there it was more persistent to stay. Soon I found myself walking near the club we had first met and the apartment where we have lived. ‘Jo,’ flood of memories, guilt and worry. Where are you now? I wondered and felt even stronger pinch of guilt for not knowing.

That evening I watched Damian preparing dinner, TV was on, neither of us had spoken. When was the last time the two of us had a long chat? Shared a laugh together? Fooled around? What did we really have in common?

“Can you set the table?” He asked not looking at me, I nodded and got up, took the plates from the cabinet, the same plates that Jo and I had used… In fact, hadn’t Jo bought these plates?  Another distant memory returned. I stood by the table looking at the plate’s funny feeling in my chest. “I ordered the cake, chocolate, that’s okay, right?” I heard Damian’s voice but somehow it seemed distant and I couldn’t find my voice to reply.

“Alex?” He asked.

“Huh?”

“Jesus, what’s wrong with you? Must I do everything?” His tone was annoyed; he placed the glasses and the forks and knives next to the plates. I looked at him as he moved tensely, serving the food and sitting down. “So, chocolate, okay?”

“What?” I frowned and took a seat down opposite from him. Damian rolled his eyes and took a sip of his milk sighing heavily.

“Your 25^th birthday, is chocolate cake okay?” He asked slowly, like speaking to a dumb.

“Yes, whatever, it’s fine.” I shrugged, I didn’t really care for birthdays, Damian insisted on celebrating and I allowed him to arrange it. I ate silently and listened Damian telling me of the party that he was setting up.

I studied Damian finding myself comparing how different he was to Jo, not only by the way he looked but in personality. Damian was… controlling in many ways, if he didn’t get his way he was unhappy and he would make sure I realised just unhappy he was until I would yield and go along with his wants. Before Jo we had fought often, after Jo and everything that had happened I suppose I had changed as well, I had no strength to argue and I often found it easier to agree no matter what I really thought inside.

Two years… Damian kept talking; it wasn’t a conversation just him talking and me nodding when it seemed suitable. I wondered if he was happy with the way we were. The image of Jo’s smiling face kept haunting my mind; I tried to remember the smooth sound of his voice that I had loved listening. My gaze drifted to Damian’s strong arms, the tanned skin and dark hair… I found myself remembering how soft  Jo’s skin had been, perfect like… porcelain, the hair on his legs and arms so light and fine that it seemed there was none, so unlike Damian…. Of course Damian was attractive, very attractive, handsome… but… he just wasn’t my Jo and the sudden intense longing burned my chest.

I lost my appetite, pushed the plate away and got up excusing myself for not feeling well. Damian frowned and later followed me into the living room where I laid on the couch under the blanket.

“Are you okay Alex?” He asked with some concern over his tone. For a moment I thought about answering truthfully that I wasn’t okay, but…

“I’m fine, just… tired I think…” I muttered and felt sudden anger for being so weak, for allowing myself to give up Jo without a fight and dragging Damian along. It wasn’t fair, I hadn’t been fair and we’d both pay the price eventually.

When Damian went to work I found myself reaching for the box, blowing the dust that had settled on top of it. With trembling hands I opened the lit and reached for the pictures. Jo… smiling Jo, just as beautiful as I had remembered or perhaps more and for the first time in months I cried. How had I allowed the lie for so long? How had I managed to burry these feelings? The love? My finger traced along the face of my husband. Yes, he was still my husband I realised and caught the glimpse of my ring. I reached for it, studied it in my hands and wondered if it was too late to go back? I needed to see Jo, how he was doing yet I had no idea what I would find. The thought was frightening, yet… I had to, I had to find him, see him or I would not be able to continue. He might hate me; his family might hate me more for not keeping in touch…

I felt nervous of telling Damian….

The birthday party was held in a pub that Damian had booked for our use, I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many of my friends in the same place at the same time, even Dieter and Franz were present. I rarely saw the two anymore since they travelled a lot and well, since I had the period when I had tried to push everyone away; I guess they had felt insulted.

I felt bad for how much trouble Damian had seen arranging everything, when all I could really think of was Jo. Damian was in his element though, talking with everyone, cheerful and a good host. I wished I could have enjoyed it as much as he. I wanted to be alone to sort my thoughts out but of course it was impossible at my own birthday party. At some point I managed to escape though, to a quiet corner table with my beer. I had done a mistake, a huge one and I wasn’t sure where to start to try and sort everything out.

When we got home I sat on the bed watching Damian getting changed from the party clothes.

“Damian, are you happy?” I suddenly found myself asking, he turned to me and gave a surprised look.

“Happy?” He asked smiled crookedly and shrugged. “Yes, why wouldn’t I be?” I sat there silently for a moment seeing a worried frown settling on his face. “Alex-?” He started.

“I think of him.” I blurted out. “Damian, I need to see him, I can’t do this anymore…” I started to tremble, the guilt was unbearable. “I’m sorry, god, I’m so sorry.”

The worry that I saw on his face changed to anger. “God damn it Alex!” He cursed. “Just what the hell do you think you find?!” He shut the closet door with a bang and sighed.

“I don’t know! I need to stop running, he is my husband and I need to see him! I’ve been a fool! I’m sorry I just… I can’t.” I got up as well and started to pace restlessly in the small room.

“You want to leave me, just to go back to some broken and scared boy who can’t even live alone but with his parents?! Is that what you want?! He doesn’t need you Alex! He can’t! He has his family and that is enough! Don’t drag yourself into that mess”

I turned to Damian and frowned. “With his parents,” I repeated. “How do you know he’s with his parents?” I saw the tense almost nervous look pass through his features and he shrugged.

“It’s a guess…” He muttered, but I didn’t believe him. The last I had heard of Jo was that he was at the hospital getting psychological help.

“Damian…” I started and saw him gritting his teeth.

“There was a letter… “ He started and shrugged. “A year ago or so… He lives with his parents, but sees a psychiatric every week. He’s still not okay. I doubt he will be.”

“A letter and you didn’t tell me?!” I roared getting upset. “Where is it?!”

“I was just trying to protect you Alex, can’t you see it? I don’t want you to waste your life because what happened to him! One victim is enough it doesn’t need a second one! He’s lost his mind! He is not well!”

“And you are the judge of it?!” I glared at him. “Where is that letter Damian?!” He narrowed his eyes but didn’t reply and for a moment I felt like I could slap him. “Where is it?!” I demanded.

I saw his eyes starting to water, he shook his head helplessly. “I love you Alex, you have to know that.” He said. “I hated to see you so torn! You were a mess! I did what I did because I love you! It wasn’t an easy decision! But I just don’t want to see you so broken and he…” Damian swallowed heavily and closed his eyes for a moment. He took a shaky breath before looking back at me. “He wanted you out of his life, he pushed you away first! And I didn’t want you to… I don’t want you to keep this false hope that somehow he can be healed back together! You are too young! He’s depressed and broken and would only drag you down with him! The best way is to let go!”

I stared at him, unsure if I believed him or not, he had kept a secret from me and I wasn’t sure how to deal with it. ‘I love you,’ he said and I wondered could he mean it, when I knew and had known deep down that though I was found of him I didn’t love him, not in away I should. “Where’s the letter?” I asked again with hoarse voice.

Silently he turned and walked to the kitchen and I followed him, he took an old cook book that I never used from the top shelf, opened it and then handed me the letter inside. My hands trembled as I took it. “I was only doing what I though best for you.” Damian repeated but I didn’t reply, just hurriedly pulled the letter out and started to read.

“Dear Alex, I hesitated sending this letter since we haven’t heard from you in months, yet I thought you might want to know the recent news of my son. Joonas is out of the hospital, the worst is over though he is still not quite himself. It seems though that he’s dropped the suicidal attempts, at least he has managed to assure us of it. He eats rather poorly and is quite thin, quiet, but at least he speaks to us to some extend. He suffers form occasional panic attacks that can be quite intense and he still sees nightmares. For now there are only limited people he allows close to him in the same room, if we have visitors he likes to hide in his own room, even from most of his relatives. He still has regular weekly meetings with his psychiatric but we are quite hopeful of his condition slowly improving as we see the signs of it already happening. With us he seems comfortable, shy, but like I said we are hopeful. He hasn’t mentioned you in exact, but I know you are in his thoughts. He has a necklace where he keeps your ring, I’ve seen him playing with it but it is not a subject he wants to talk about. Anyway, I thought you would like to know, you are welcome to visit if you wish, the decision is yours to make. He is not himself, might never be like he once was, but he is here with us and for that we are thankful!

Yours truly; Saara.”

My whole being trembled, I couldn’t believe that Damian had kept this from me. “You knew! How could you do this Damian!? How could you hide this from me?!”  I growled feeling such frustrated anger that I felt I wanted to hit something.

“Because I love you.” He responded with trembling voice after a moment of silence. “Because I knew you’d feel the responsibility return and to what? He is not and will not be the person you loved! You would only make yourself miserable treating a human wreck! A wreck Alex, that’s what he is!”

I felt anger much to myself as I did for Damian at that moment, he had hid the letter but I hadn’t kept contact, I hadn’t even asked … I had swept everything under the carpet in hopes that it would simply disappear or stop existing, so that I would be able to continue normal life where things so horrible didn’t happen. I had been a fool and I didn’t deserve forgiveness.

“A wreck or not I am still married to him.” I said slowly with sudden calmness over my voice though I felt anything but calm, my skull was hammering, my heart racing. “We’ve been fooling ourselves Damian! Can’t you see?!” Tears rose to my eyes. There we stood¨, the sad pair whose existents were based on lies that were now falling to pieces. “I haven’t been myself and I can not love you the way you want me to. I don’t believe you love me either, not really, if you did…” I looked at the letter and held it up feeling defeated and tired. “…You wouldn’t have hid this from me; you wouldn’t have demanded me to give up the memories…. But I do blame myself more than you… I was too weak to resist.” I lowered my hand down and shook my head swallowing heavily. “I can’t be with you, Damian. I never should have started this the first place.”

“How can you say I don’t love you?!” He screamed. “Two fucking years Alex! I don’t know about you but I wouldn’t have stayed if I didn’t have any feelings! It hurts! It fucking hurts! It hurt when I first saw you with him when all that summer I had thought how much I really wanted to be with you! I was willing to settle for friendship! I would have. but then it happened! I didn’t wish it for him! I don’t wish that for anyone!” He breathed tensely, crying now and I felt the tears in my own eyes as well. “I don’t claim to be perfect! Or make the right decisions, but you… Don’t tell me how I feel because obviously you have no freaking idea!”

“I’m sorry…” I found myself whispering, we both made mistakes and I wasn’t by any means a saint here. What Damian did was wrong, yet what I did was no better. “Shit,” I cursed and sat down dropping the letter on the table. Why did it have to be so complicated? I wondered.

“I guess I knew,” Damian muttered with defeated voice and sat down opposite from me. “I just… I wanted… I hoped that with time… you’d forget him…”

I glanced at him and nodded, the anger I had felt fading because I knew I could have contacted Jo’s family with my own decision, even without the letter. I had been weak and selfish and hurt Damian in the process. I was a grown up and responsible for my own decisions. “For awhile I thought I could…” I whispered back and then shook my head. “But… I can’t… I love him… I’m sorry Damian.” I glanced at him and reached for his hand squeezing gently, his tears unsettled me. “I care for you…I’m angry, or perhaps more upset but… I am as much to blame if not more… I am sorry Damian…” 

He nodded and withdrew his hand. “Go, I won’t stop you.” He whispered with defeated voice.

“Damian…”

“Alex, just go!” He suddenly screamed and hid his face in his hands. “Please…”

I stood up, feeling numb, I wanted to reach and hug Damian, say something but… what was there to say? I had leaded him on and he had tricked me, we were both fools but in the end ... I could not blame him anymore than myself. I started to back my things together silently and he didn’t try to stop me. “I call you.” I whispered at the door, opened it and closed hearing the echo on the corridors, such a lonely sound it was…

I wasn’t sure what I would find, I wasn’t sure if my silence could be forgiven, all I knew was how badly I needed to see him, my Jo, my love. I tried but I still couldn’t chase the memories away. Just one more chance, it’s all I ask even though I felt I didn’t deserve it after everything.

TBC.

Web published: My Secret Shore

March 1st, 2010.

© KOLGRIM

Happy Ever After? Ch 26

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