The days went by, turning into weeks and months, late summer. I felt
like walking in haze. I had been drinking, drowning my sorrow, trying
to forget, but instead it just made me feel worse. I was rotting in my
own home, shutting people out that worried. I was pitying myself and
mourning for him as though he was dead and perhaps there was a part of
me tried to convince myself that he was.
Another day, another hot August day. I lay on my bed, on the dirty
sheets, in my messy apartment. I look around and feel exhausted; the
piles of dirty dishes keep growing. My hair is greasy and my beard
unshaven. Oh what a joke life has created out of me.
The doorbell rings. I register the sound, but can not find the strength
to move. My skull is hammering from the alcohol I consumed the previous
night. There’s such an unpleasant taste in my mouth. I know I
should stop drinking, but by the evening I’m already reaching
for
another glass, I know it.
”Alex, I know you’re in there, open up!”
Damian’s voice. They take turns, sometimes I let them in
other
times I don’t, last time was a week or two ago?
I’ve closed
my phone not really wanting to talk to anyone. They can’t
understand, they can’t offer comfort. ”Alex! Either
you
open this door or I swear to God I’ll break it!” I
blink
and drift my gaze to the half open bedroom door, still reluctant, still
weary.
He bangs the door with his fist few times or so I assume and finally he
kicks it. ”Last warning! I give you one minute to
open!” He
starts counting the seconds. When he reaches 30 I find myself sitting
up slowly. I am being pathetic, I don’t need them to tell me
that. Still… Eventually I suppose I have to get
up…
”8 seconds Alex!” He calls.
”I’m coming…” I croak,
surprised how odd my voice sounds like. With heavy feet I reach the
door.
”Jesus,” Damian sighs looking at me with
disapproving eyes.
”You stink, you look awful Alex.” He points out.
”I know.” I grumble and turn, lazily walking to the
living
room, flopping on the sofa next to the pile of dirty clothes.
”This can’t continue.” Damian says after
closing the door behind him and following me into the room.
”I know.” I reply not looking at him, my eyes close.
”Then can we please do something about this?”
I sigh, feeling so drained of energy. ”What? What can be
done?”
”First, You are going to get a shower and shave,
I’ll make
you some breakfast and then we’ll start cleaning this
mess.”
I look out of the window not replying, trying to imagine of doing what
Damian just said. Is it the time? Can I move on? What does anything
really matter? My heart is broken and I can’t function
without my
love.
”He’s not coming back Alex, you have to accept
it,”
Damian sighs. ”This is getting ridiculous, look at yourself!
Look
at this mess! It’s been 3 months!” I continue
looking
outside where the sun is shining, can’t it rain for once?
This
heath is driving me insane. ”Alex…”
Damian walks
closer, kneels down in front of me. ”We’re worried
for
you.” He says and I can feel his eyes on me.
”I’m
sure Jonas wouldn’t want you to waste your life like this, he
would want you to move on.”
”He’s not dead…” I whisper
finally looking at
him. ”Don’t speak of him like he would
be.”
”He’s hardly himself either, is he?”
Damian asks and
again I look away, it hurts, hurts to think of him and how
he’s
changed, his parents told some time ago that they had to commit him
into psychiatric hospital for trying to kill himself. ”Alex,
what
happened is awful but it can’t be changed. He won’t
come
back, he’s changed and you need to accept it.”
”Why?” I ask quietly after a moment of silence,
again
looking at him in hopes of answer that would somehow make sense out of
everything. ”Why must I?”
”Because this can’t continue like
this…”
Damian replies. ”You know it can’t, your damaging
yourself.
You hardly leave this apartment, you hardly eat all you do is drink and
swallow in self pity and you need to stop. I’ll make you
stop.” He gets up and stands in front of me. ”Will
you go
to the shower or will I have to make you go?” He asks.
”And
don’t think I couldn’t.” I look up at
him, at the
moment he looks tall and intimidating and I don’t doubt his
words. I sigh and take another look at the mess, I suppose
he’s
right? I suppose…
”Fine…” I mutter before pulling myself
up. I feel
like a rag-doll; so out of posture. This isn’t how I imagined
my
life.
”There’s a good boy.” Damian teases with
gentle
voice, walks to the closet and digs out a towel he then hands
out
to me. ”Here.” He says and pushes me towards the
bathroom.
As I stand under the warm spray my thoughts travel to him. I look at
the ring on my finger, still holding onto it, he’s still my
husband… My eyes start to burn, the hammering of my skull
grows
worse, I’m sure that just one drink would ease this
pain…
He almost tried to kill himself… and now he’s
logged up
somewhere, drugged up… I imagine him laying on a bed in a
white
room, oblivious to his surroundings and it pains me even worse. Part of
me wonders if I gave up too easily, if I should be there, if I should
have insisted more… If… I swallow the heavy lump
down. I
can’t have back what we once had, it’s gone,
he’s
gone and all that there is left is a shattered shell...
Finally I get out from the shower, dry myself, wrapping the towel
around my waist before starting to shave. Dark circles have formed
under my eyes, my skin is pale and my hair overgrown. Damian is right,
I’m a mess, just like this apartment. I leave the bathroom
and
approach the kitchen; smell of fresh coffee and toast filling my
nostrils…
”It took you long, I was beginning to worry that you
drowned.” Damian jokes, glancing at me from over his
shoulder.
The kitchen already looks better and I wonder how he had the time to
clean it? ”You were there for an hour.” Damian says
as if
reading my thoughts, soft smile playing on his lips.
”Really?”
”Yes, but already you look better. So sit down, next you need
to
eat.” I do like he asks, watching as he moves around in the
kitchen opening cabinets, pouring me a cup of coffee that is then
placed in front of me. I remember the times when Jo cooked me dinner,
he had his apron on, the one I bought for him as a joke between us. I
remember the sound that his bare feet made as he moved. And later, as
we sat on the couch he complained that his feet felt cold and I had to
warm them between my hands. I told him he could wear socks to prevent
it, but he said… He liked to have an excuse for me to later
rub
them, but he never needed an excuse to begin with… He has
such
pretty feet's… Everything about him was so pretty, so
beautiful… I lean forward with my elbows on the table,
running
my hands through my wet hair, I miss him...
”Eat, drink.” Damian encourages setting a plate of
sandwiches in front of me. I sigh and reach for the coffee cup, holding
it between my hands as I take a careful sip. ”Heike will come
and
help us clean later, then we could so something fun together.”
”I’m not up for anything fun…
” I grumble.
”And you don’t need to do this I can get this
sorted out
myself.”
”Yes, you’ve done amazing job so far.”
Damian replies
with sarcasm. ”You need help and we want to give it to you,
so
you have no choice but to accept it.” I don’t
answer, just
grasp one the sandwiches and slowly start to eat. ”I know you
miss him, of course you do, but Alex… Look at me.”
He
encourages and slowly I do. He points to my ring.
”You’re
holding onto the past that won’t return.” Damian
lowers his
hand back and tilts his head. ”You won’t have your
husband
back, he’s not the person you knew and you don’t
need to
feel guilt about it. We all want you to move on, Jo wants it too and
you know that.”
”So I should forget what happened and move on like I was
never
married to him, huh?! Sorry I can’t do that!” I
start to
get angry. ”Stefan… I fucking went to school with
him! I
brought him here! If I hadn’t, if he had never met
Jo…” My voice trails off.
”It’s my
fault…”
”God dammit Alex! It is not your fault! Stefan is fucked up,
he
is sick from his head and he and his friend alone are to be blamed for
what happened, not you!”
I look away and grit my teeth, my eyes burning even worse.
”Why… why did it have to be Jo?… Why
him?”
”I don’t know Alex, I’m
sorry…” Damian
replies softly. I cover my eyes with my hand, cover my tears, strange
strangled sound forming from the bottom of my throat. I hardly even
register Damian getting up, until he’s there next to me
wrapping
an arm around me, hugging me and I find myself clinging onto him,
falling to pieces, sobbing like a little child. He rubs my back
soothingly not really saying anything and somehow his silence reliefs
me.
”I just miss him so fucking much…” I
finally mutter against his chest.
”I know.” He whispers, stroking my hair now.
”But you
need to continue your life, even if it feels difficult… Just
allow us to help you, don’t close your friends
out.” I nod
and sigh finally letting go and wiping my eyes.
”I’ll go and dress, then…” I
start taking
another deep breath. ”Then we’ll start
cleaning.”
”There’s the right spirit.” Damian grins
and I try to smile back to him, the effort comes out weak.
And somehow with the help of my friends I was able to pick up the
pieces to go on. By November I had moved from the apartment I had
shared with Jo; leaving the memories behind me that seemed to shackle
me and keep me from taking the last few steps of letting go.
As Christmas approached I felt the melancholy returning. I lived
comparing each day to the days of the past year, my year with Jo, my
life with Jo. Collecting pieces, those everyday moments, such simple
things. December 2nd, I was home around 8pm and he was there, waiting
with dinner and we curled up on the couch to watch a movie, I asked him
what he wanted for Christmas and he replied. ”Just you, Alex.
More time with my Alex.” He smiled…Oh how I wish
we would
have had more time… And now I’m alone, the same
date, the
same time, 12 months later and I am alone, only a half of a man without
him by my side.
Jo loves Christmas, he told me so. He was like a little child then,
somehow making me excited over a holiday I never really cared about
before. This Christmas I spend with my friends, yet on Christmas eve I
cave and called his parents, I needed to know, needed to hear about
him. Yet nothing had changed, he was still kept in the hospital for
being suicidal. His mother cried to me on the phone, their child asked
to be dead and they felt helpless. I felt helpless as well by the end
of the call. She told me that no one would blame me for making the
divorce final, yet I kept my mind on that; only when Jo would be well
enough to ask for it himself. Stubborn part of me kept holding onto the
fainting hope of getting the Joonas back that I knew and love.
New Years Eve and my mood is reaching a new level of misery. I live the
day going through the details of the same day 12 months ago. This time
the party is held at Heike’s place, false cheerfulness
created to
distract me and I try to smile, but it’s all fake. Music,
laughter, alcohol…
Stefan had bought Jo that shirt as a present, he looked so handsome in
it, I recall him standing in front of that mirror, I recall him
smiling, looking so happy, excited and nervous all at the same time.
And how I hated that shirt, how I wanted to tear it from him, carry him
to bed and keep him there with me the whole night, cuddle, kiss and
make love… Keep him from Stefan… If only I had
managed to
do so…
Stefan… anger and bitterness fill me each time I think of
him… He wanted Jo from the start, snake with devils
intentions… I shudder as I remember him watching Jonas that
night, offer him drinks, touching him, laughing with him and Jo was so
oblivious….My sweet Jo… He wanted to trust
Stefan…He wanted to get better so badly from his
past… He
was doing so well… What horrid things Stefan and his friend
did
to cause such major collapse? I dare not to venture further
with
the thought…
I want Jo back with me, the way he was before Stefan harmed
him…I want to wake from this nightmare.
Shortly after midnight I excuse myself to leave home, but Damian insist
on escorting me. Probably they are all worried of me doing something
stupid being as drunk as I am, being this miserable.
”Would you like me to prepare you some coffee?”
Damian asks
as we enter my single flat. I sit on the bed, shrugging of my jacket.
”No, just give me a beer from the fridge, take one if you
like.” I answer with flat tone, glad that he
doesn’t try to
argue and grands me my wish.
”I hate to see you like this, Alex.” He murmurs,
sitting
next to me on the bed after handing the bottle to my hands. I take a
long gulp, feeling the cool slightly bitter liquid sliding down from my
throat. I don’t know what to answer so instead I keep staring
at
my hands, my wedding ring. ”Have you heard from
him?”
Damian asks, his tone still quiet even though it’s just me
and
him in the room.
”He’s still at the psychiatric
hospital….he wants to
die…” I whisper and take another sip, closing my
eyes,
wanting to forget everything, anything to stop this constant aching in
my chest.
”I’m sorry…” I hear Damian
saying and I nod.
”Everyone is sorry…” I shrug.
”I- I
don’t know what to do Dami…god.” I lean
forward, my
elbow over my knee, resting my forehead against my hand. To my surprise
I feel Damian’s touch first on my shoulder making my look up.
He
smiles sadly and takes my left hand.
”I don’t think there’s anything you can
do…” He whispers. ”Except try and move
on.” He
touches the golden ring on my finger. ”You still hold on to
it,
even after all these months, even though he asked you not
to…
Don’t you think it’s time to take this
off?”
I stare numbly at his hand and my finger, not finding my voice.
”He won’t heal to the person you knew, if you wait
for
that, you’ll end up waiting forever…
He’s gone
Alex.” Slowly he starts pulling the ring, studying my
expression.
”You have to move on….” Without strength
left to
argue I allow him to take my ring, watching as he lowers it on the
nightstand.
A heavy lump is rising to my throat, odd wave of panic moving through
me. Damian scoots closer, I feel his hand on me. ”It will be
okay, I’m here… I’ll always be
here… I want
you to feel better…” He murmurs, kissing me
lightly, our
lips mere inches apart and I feel afraid, afraid of my own feelings, so
confusing. Another kiss, his hand in my hair; gentle and soothing and
my hands act upon their own clutching his shirt. I feel so strange,
lost and nervous and all I want is to turn back time or forget, lose
myself, feel something beside this aching pain… And I kiss
him,
desperate and needy, needy to suppress my growing sorrow.
And he’s willing, I feel his warmth under my hands, on my
lips
and his taste in my mouth… Familiar, yet not the familiarity
I
so desperately seek. Yet I continue to kiss him, not really
understanding my actions, my own heart.
Clothes disappear, warm naked skin, hot breath tickling on my cheek, I
can not think, I act, I search…Desperate need, memory,
Jo… My Jo… moving inside of him, sweaty skin,
hot,
breath, gasp, warm lips. I want to so badly, so badly for it to be
him… Deep down I know it isn’t, I get my release
but do
not reach the satisfaction I got from the past… My
Jo…
The room is dark, I lay awake and listen to Damian’s
breathing
next to me. I turn my head for a moment to gaze his sleeping form; dark
features… He’s handsome, but he’s not my
Jo…
And I feel empty, drained… what did I do? Sex, it was just
sex… I long for my husband, I need him to fill this void, I
love
him… I love him so badly, so violently… But
I’ve
lost him, he’s lost and I don’t know how to find
him
again…
Damian shift in his sleep, his arm wraps around me and it
doesn’t
feel right… Nothing feels right since the nightmare started
and
it has no end. But my Jo is gone, perhaps Damian is right? Perhaps I
need to let go? But I can not stop my heart from loving him, nor can I
forget. A year ago he was in my arms and I should have kept a better
hold, turn back the time and I would never let him go!