Chapter 18.
Alex:
”I can’t believe that drunk stole my phone. Fuck! As if I haven’t gone through enough shit already!” I’m fuming, cursing inwardly. Damian looks at me carefully.
“Just calm down Alex, okay? We can go to the police station; maybe they can still catch him.” He tries to reason.
“Well I would fucking hope so…” I mutter. Fucking cops, what good will they do? I’m so tired, tired of everything, if I could just take Jo with me and travel somewhere where it could be just the two of us, I would do it. I take a deep breath and try to calm down, ok, it was just a phone, nothing more than a phone, and I can take care of it. I just need to calm down.
“Ok, I need to call the operator, have them close it. Uh, I can just imagine the bill! Who knows where that idiot has already called to,” I groan as we walk across the street, somehow it’s difficult to calm down. The world is just filled with shit! And somehow all of it is pouring in our doorstep!
“Well, at least he didn’t take my wallet,” I try to find the positive side.
“You need to be more careful Alex,” Damian tells me, “they talk about those thief’s all the time and…”
“I know!” I shout at him, he gives me an apologetic look.
“I’m sorry…”
“Ah don’t be, I’m the one that’s sorry, uh I’m just so frustrated, of all the things that’s happened, now this!” I shake my head. “Speaking of which, can I use your phone? I need to call Jo, in case he tries to reach me.”
“Sure,” Damien takes his phone out and hands it to me. I dial the number and wait,
“Hello?” His voice sounds a bit odd, shaky? Maybe I just woke him up.
“Hi sweetheart,
sorry, I hope I didn’t wake you, but I just called to say that some idiot stole
my phone today, so I’m calling from Damien’s … anyway, I’m going over to the
police station and…” I stop in mid sentence as I hear something from the
background that seems a bit off. Is it wind? Footsteps? Sound of the traffic,
faint but still there? ”…hmm, Jo, are you outside somewhere?” I ask with a
frown.
“A-Alex….” He almost chokes and I instantly get worried. I hear a second voice
put it’s too quiet for me to make out the words.
“Jo? Are you there?” I ask, “Love, answer to me,” the phone hangs up on me. I can feel my chest tighten with fear. “I-I need to call him again.” I stutter nervously, redialling the number, but this time a female voice tells me that the number can not be reached.
“What’s wrong?” Damian asks, but for a moment I can’t even speak, I look around nervously and try to swallow the lump that seems to have settled down to my throat.
“I don’t know…I don’t know…” I repeat, trying desperately to call him again. “He’s…” my head starts aching as all my instincts tell me that something really bad is happening. I need to do something, but for a moment I feel totally lost and helpless.
“I need to get home,” I decide, still hoping that when I get there, everything is fine, that I find him where I left him. There’s no reason for him to leave the house, right? But he sounded scared, there was some other male voice and… now I can’t reach him.
I run towards home as fast as I can, after giving Taffy’s leash to Damian who tries to keep up with me. I enter the apartment, feeling out of breath and shaky.
“Jo?” I call from the front door, “Jo?” I call again walking towards the bedroom, almost running into Jo’s mother.
“He’s not here; I thought he was with you?” She looks at me, her face going pale. I shake my head, look inside the bedroom. The book lays forgotten on the bed, the sheets looking like he just jumped up and left. The closet door is open. Why? Why would he have left outside? It makes no sense.
“Where could he be?” Saara’s fearful voice asks.
“I don’t know…” I shake my head, “we need to call to the police. I can’t reach his phone either.” She nods her head and a moment later breaks down in tears.
“This is not happening…” she looks around helplessly.
“Sara, give me your phone, I’ll call the police, and we’ll find him.” I assure her, trying my best to believe my own words.
It all becomes clear to me; it was all planned; my stolen phone, Jo’s disappearing… It couldn’t have been a mere accident…
I try my best not to fall down, but the fear… Fear of loosing him… the realisation that the love of my life is most likely in the hands of the man who raped him, Stefan, the man I brought into his life…
If I loose him… If he touches him… I shake my head; I will kill that son of a bitch!
**^^**^^**^^**^^**^^**
Joonas:
It’s not real… don’t let it be real… I breathe shakily as I stare at brick wall in front of me, feeling the gun barrel against my lower back. His heavy breathing brushes against my neck and I know that I’m not just dreaming.
“Okay, here’s what we’re going to do Jonas,” he whispers against my ear, I can hear from his voice that he’s nervous and with him holding the gun… “You’re coming with me, into the car, don’t scream, don’t fight, or I swear that I will kill you, got it?”
I nod my head nervously, squeezing my eyes close, swallowing back my tears.
“Good, just be a good boy now…” His voice turns slightly softer and yet there’s nothing soft in him.
I hardly realise that we’re walking, I look around; the street is empty, quiet… How could I fall for this trap? I keep praying for a miracle; keep praying for someone, anyone… Stefan has a gun, if someone would come, he’d use it? So instead I merely pray for a survival…
The car is not his; this car is grey, blain, one you wouldn’t pick up from the rest. Of course he couldn’t take his own; it’s too pretty, too expensive, drawing attention.
“Get in…” Stefan hisses, opening the passenger side door. I sit down, trying to think of a way out of situation, but there seems to be none, my mind is empty of ideas, blank and desperate at the same time.
“Your hands on your lap, wrists together,” Stefan is kneeling down by my side, he looks nervously around, “Now!” his voice is harsh and his eyes stare at me in anger, I tremble as I follow his order and soon I find my wrist bound tightly together with rope. He throws a jacket on my lap.
“Keep it there!” He shouts and puts the seatbelt on me.
The door slams shut and he hurries around the car to the driver’s seat.
“Keep your face down, got it?” Stefan hisses when he starts the car. I can’t find my voice, instead I do as he tells me, just need to buy time and think, try to calm down, keep cool and not panic. How can I not panic?
Stefan starts to drive I can hardly dare to move, but at the same time I’m trying to take careful glimpses of where are going; driving through the city, using the small roads.
Alex… mom… They’ll worry, they’ll search… where are we going? Where will he take me? Will he kill me?
“S-stefan?” My voice is shaky, I turn my face towards him, warm tears are falling on my skin, getting cold as they slide down.
“Shut the fuck up and keep you face down!” He brings his hand on the top of my head and pushes down.
Why did I let myself to be fooled? Why me? Why does this shit keep happening to me? Can’t I just be allowed some happiness?
The sound of the engine, cars that passes, Stefan’s heavy breathing, he curses, turns on the radio. Where’s the gun? Could I grasp it? No, my hands are tied, I can’t move. If only I’d get them free, if there was a chance that… If Stefan would over speed and the cops would stop us? I keep hoping, I still keep praying for a miracle that could safe me from him, which each passing minute I can feel my hope dying more and the bitterness and fear growing.
Forest road, I don’t know how many minutes we’ve been driving or how far, but we’ve left the city behind. Rain starts falling harder against the windshield, the wipers going up and down faster and faster, no passing cars, just me and him and I dare to look up, around, he’s too busy staring at the road, both of us nervous but for different reasons. I look at the scenery; trees, dark forest, and the road, where are we going?
“Keep your fucking head down!” Stefan roars. “shit,” he curses almost loosing the control of the car, but manages to take it back. He turns to a smaller sand road,
“You brought this on yourself you know,” Stefan finally starts speaking; “you just had to make this so damn difficult, didn’t you?”
I shake my head,
“I-I didn’t… I didn’t want it.”
“Oh I didn’t want it,” Stefan repeats with a whiny voice. “Yes you did, don’t fucking lie to me.”
I shiver, can’t find my voice. I can hear my own heartbeat, the humming of the engine and the sand under the wheels.
It’s such a grey day, my lips feel dry, and I feel thirsty.
I’m going to die. This time it will happen. A voice inside me whispers and I look around; the swaying trees, the hardening rain, tears on my skin are getting cold…
Alex… such a short time, we’ve had such a short time together… perhaps I did bring all of this to myself?
I think back in time, the first night with Alex, that morning… what if I had stayed? What if I had told Henri the truth? Left him and stayed? Why didn’t I? I could have stayed then…
Raped… circle of pain and rape… where did I go wrong? Is it a choice? One choice?
What if I had stayed?
Tom, Henri, those men, Stefan… It isn’t normal… it’s not normal… the reason… reason must come from myself? Am I so bad? What if I deserve this?
But Alex… Alex is good, he loves me, and he wouldn’t love me if I was bad?
My thoughts interrupt as Stefan parks in front of a large cabin, surrounded by forest; large and secluded….
If he wanted to kill me, why bring me all this way? I wonder to myself as Stefan gets up and circles the car; he opens the door, removes my seatbelt and pulls me up. It’s still raining and I find myself shivering from cold. Silently he drags me inside the cabin.
The door slams shut after us, there are so many questions but I dare not to ask them.
He leads me to the living room.
“Sit down,” he points with his gun and I silently do so, my heart is still racing; alone with my rapist… what if he kills me? I wonder.
Stefan sits on the opposite seat, gun in his hands, looking at me without speaking. I don’t know how many minutes the silent lasts; it almost makes the air around us heavy, I feel like a rope would have been tied around my neck, and little by little it’s closing in on me, choking me.
“I didn’t rape you,” he finally says. It certainly isn’t what I waited to hear. I look at him, nervously moving my bound hands.
“I didn’t want it…” I whisper, afraid that he’ll get mad enough to shoot.
“You flirted with me, all that time… and you say you didn’t want it?” I look at him, unnerved of how calm he suddenly looks, when just moments ago; I could practically smell the nervousness.
“I-I wanted you to be my friend… I thought you were… why are you doing this?”
“You’re lying Jonas, you knew what I wanted and you wanted the same and now you’re trying to bring me down… just so you could safe your pathetic little marriage. I liked you, you know?”
There’s a large window, the rain pours heavily against it, I try to stay as calm as I can; maybe I can talk myself free? Unfortunately I don’t know the words that would work as a key.
“I liked you too…” I whisper, “As a friend…”
Stefan stands, walks hurriedly towards me and grasps my throat.
“You wanted me as I wanted you!” I let out a soft whimper, blinking my tear clouded eyes; he loosens his hold a bit. “If you would just tell the truth… drop the charges against me…”
He moves his hand on my cheek, wipes the tears away almost tenderly.
“Admit it that you wanted me…” his finger brushes against my lips and as much as I’d like to escape the touch, I’m unable to do so. Stefan kneels down. “I did like you Jonas…” he whispers while his hand moves down on my body, to my chest, he pulls down the zipper of my jacket. For a moment his finger circles my nipple through my shirt, and my lower lip begins to tremble; not again, please, not this again. “Think of what I can give to you Jonas… think of the wealth…” his hand sneak up from under my shirt, slides through my stomach up to brush against my nipples, pinching them, making them hard.
“Don’t…”
Stefan smiles, brings the gun against my cheek, caressing me with the cold weapon,
“I don’t want to die…” I whisper.
“I know, Jonas, don’t worry, I can make you feel good… I can make you feel really good…”
“Please, I just want to go home…” I try my best to look at him, in his eyes, straight in his eyes.
“You would tell them the truth?” he asks, moving the gun between my thighs, I close my eyes tightly.
“Anything you want, I just want home,” I tell him with a broken voice, nodding my head. I open my eyes carefully see him smiling still.
“The thing is…I don’t think I believe you Jonas,” he starts stroking my genitals still using the gun and I let out a small whimper.
“What do you want Stefan? What do you want me to do?” I ask, desperation taking me over. What can I do?
“I won’t let you ruin my life; you should have kept your mouth shut… so I can’t really let you go, not until I’m sure that it will go my way, not until I’m sure that you will do my way.”
Stefan starts opening my pants; I look away, out in to the rain.
“They’ll search for me Stefan, you’re only making it worse! How will you explain this? Kidnapping me and…” I stop when he gives me an angry look.
“They won’t find you, not from here… You left by your free will, you wanted to disappear. And eventually you’ll drop the charges…”
I can still feel my lips trembling; I wish I would know what to do… I can’t take this…
When his hand slips inside my boxers I
bring my bound hands on his.
”Stop,” I beg him, “did you bring me here just so you could rape me more?” I ask
him bitterly. Tears run down on my face leaving a cold path, I can feel as they
travel along my neck until stopping on my shirt collar and all he does is smile,
smiling as if he enjoys seeing me so weak, bitterly I remind myself that he
probably does.
Stefan removes his hand without a word and starts unbinding the rope, when he gets it open he points at me with the gun once more.
“Remove your jacket,” he tells me, I don’t say a word, just obey him. After getting my jacket off, I bring my hands to zip my pants back up.
“No, leave it.” Stefan says.
“Why are you doing this to me?” I ask frustrated, helpless, how much more can I take without breaking down completely?
“I’ll prove it; you will end up begging for it.” He tells me smugly, I look away from him, what’s the use to keep fighting if you’re only going to fall over and over again?
“Good, now your hands behind your back, and lean forward.” Again I do so without any word, what’s the use? I keep staring out in the rain, I keep thinking of Alex. I’m causing too much trouble; he’d be so much happier if he never had met me. Stefan bounds my hands tightly behind my back. I feel so exhausted, this isn’t normal, have I invited all the problems and pain to my doorstep?
Should I give in? Just roll over and take it? In my heart…. I don’t think I can… I’m not ready, not ready to give in just yet…
Stefan’s phone starts ringing, he looks at the screen, his features darkening, he doesn’t answer to it, and instead he curses, he starts pacing, then calls someone. I wish I could understand what he says, but I can hear the nervousness again. I don’t think that it’s good to have him nervous, I’m afraid of what it might lead to.
After he finishes the call, I see a storm ready to rise in his eyes; he walks over to me and yanks me up harshly, causing me to yelp. He starts dragging me upstairs.
“Fucking hell, fucking bitch!” I don’t know what made him so mad; I only know that it won’t mean any good for me, closer to the second floor we get, the more panicked I start to feel. I can’t give up without fighting, I can’t.
Web published: My Secret Shore
© KOLGRIM 2006 - 2007