Chapter 17.
Joonas:
I lay on the bed and stare at the ceiling, I feel so exhausted, but I can’t fall a sleep. How many nights will it be like this? Tossing, turning, trying to find some rest. I wish I could shut my mind from remembering, I wish… It’s Saturday, 3.30am, I stare at the red numbers on the alarm clock: I should be asleep. I try to think of peaceful thoughts, but they always return to that night and the encounter with Stefan’s father. I wonder what’s wrong with me.
I turn to lay on my side and watch my husbands sleeping face that gives me comfort, I listen to his breathing and somewhere on the floor, Taffy is snoring, I smile a little, she snores louder than Alex did when he had a flu.
I want to sleep, I want to sleep so badly, just one night without nightmares is all I ask! I would go to the living room, to watch TV, but mom is there, sleeping.
Finally I decide to sneak up into the kitchen, with a book that mom gave me, called; For those I loved* I boil some tea and sit down in front of the kitchen table to read. It’s a book of a Jewish man, who lost is whole family in concentration camp during the world war II, then he married, had his own family and lost them too in a forest fire. This must be the most depressing book I have ever read and what makes it more depressing is that it’s real life. And somehow, even though I’ve felt sick at times when reading, I feel it’s helping me. It’s helping me too see beyond my own pain and remember to be grateful of all the good things that I have. It could be worse, much worse, I remind myself, and it’s up to me to decide whether I stay as a weakling, or whether I conquer these hardships. I remind myself that those who have hurt me, want me to be weak, want me to suffer with my nightmares and if I do, I allow them to win. I don’t want them to win, I want to take control of my own life, I want to be strong and survive, know that it’s possible.
Lord I feel tired, I take a sip of my tea, try to clear my mind, now instead of Stefan, my mind is filled with horrors from the book I read, I want to slam my head against the table. Perhaps I shuld try to read something joyful for a change? It’s depressing to think how cruel people can be, monsters, killing small children and… I can’t understand it, I just can’t.
“Hey, sweetie, couldn’t sleep?” I raise my head up and smile at my mother who stands at the doorway , I shake my head softly,
“no,”
“How’s the book?” She asks as she walks closer and sits on the opposite seat,
“depressing,” I tell her, give a small smile before continuing, “but helpful in an odd way,” She nods her head, a knowing smile passing on her lips.
“It will turn out alright, Joonas,” She assures as she reaches out to take my hand in hers. I give a small nod,
“It will, I’ll get better, I promise,”
“More tea?” She asks then, standing up.
“Yes please,” I watch how she boils the water and takes the tea bags from the cabinet.
“Mom, where did you learn to speak Polish?” I ask, still watching her, I wonder how much is there that I didn’t know about my mother before, she looks at me, smiles in a secretive manner,
“Haven’t I ever told you before?” She asks, shake my head,
“No, you haven’t,” She pours the water into my mug and then into her own.
“Well, as a young girl, I was 18 at the time, I spend a year in London, as an exchange student,” she starts,
“Yes, well that you have told me before, but?”
“Well, there I met a Polish man called Viktor, he was also a student there, we dated and… we even got engaged,”
“Mom! How could you not have told me this before?” I ask, feeling stunned.
“Well, it didn’t seem important and…well, you’ve never asked,”
“Hmh, how could I have asked if I don’t know what to ask!” I glare at her, and take another sip of my tea, “so, anyway, what happened?”
“Your dad happened,” she grins at me,
“So you were engaged when you met dad?”
“Yes,” she nods, holding the cup between her hands,
“I can’t believe it,” I shake my head, “my mother is a human!” I laugh quietly and take a small pause studying her face. “So how come you ended up choosing dad?”
“Well, Viktor was a fine, decent man, but in the end, he was just far too serious about everything and I found myself disagreeing with him about a lot of things and your father…” she lifts her hand up to her lips and laughs quietly, “the first time I met him, there he was, stumbling late into the class, his hair was a mess, and his glasses fell on his nose and he looked so utterly nervous and cute…and he was just so… fun, happy and… I can’t explain it, it just felt right with him.”
“So how did This Viktor take it?” I ask with curiosity,
“Well, he wasn’t happy, but… I guess in the end he understood,” she smiles at me, “I choose the right man for me,” she looks at my face closely, “Two beautiful children and a good husband, it turned out right, like I knew it would,” she stands up with a sigh, “I just wish…” she has her back turned to me, I can hear her swallowing,
“Mom,-“ I start hesitantly, she turns and I can see the glimmering in her eyes,
“I will be alright,” I repeat myself, “it’s just difficult, for now, but I will be alright,” she nods, smiles softly before she walks over to me and and gives me a tight, but gentle hug.
“I love you, I love you so much,” she whispers and I smile in her embrace,
“I love you too…and thank you mom, thank you for being here,” I whisper.
“Where else would I be, when my child needs me?” she looks at me and smiles, “when the summer comes, you and Alex should come home, we could spend the summer at the cabin, your father and sister would be pleased,” she suggest, sitting back down.
“I’d like that, I have to ask Alex about it though, but I would like it very much.”
I hear quiet steps and turn my face towards the doorway.
“I woke, and you weren’t there,” Alex mutters sleepily as he walks closer to my chair and kisses my neck, his hands resting gently on my shoulders. I place my hand on his, give him a smile. I see that Taffy has followed him, she sits on the floor yawning, seeming just as tired as everyone else.
“sorry, I couldn’t get sleep,” I whisper, still watching Taffy, who slowly makes her way closer to me, close to my legs, where she lays down.
I raise my head up and find Mom looking at us with curiosity, she smiles a little before she stands up, walks to the sink and washes her mug.
“It’s only 4.30am, I think you boys should get back to bed,” she says then, smiling to us both.
“Hm, yes, we should,” I nod,
“sleep well sweetheart,” she walks closer and kisses my forehead, “ and you too Alex,”
“Thank you, sleep well Sara,” Alex wishes back, as my mom makes her way out of the kitchen.
“So, Jo, love, lets get back to bed?” Alex murmurs against my neck, planting gentle kisses.
“hmh, yes,” I nod, and slowly rise up from my chair, Taffy immediately perks up. I kneel down to pet her, “lets go back to sleep, ok girl?” I smile at her, let her lick my hand for a moment before standing back up and follow my husband into the bedroom.
Alex sits on he bed, lays down, looking at me as I make my way beside him. Taffy curls up on the floor, on the pillow that she likes to sleep on. I snuggle closer to Alex who wraps the blanket around us both. He strokes my hair and kisses my forehead,
“funny, you know, I find it difficult to sleep when you’re not here,” Alex whispers, “I really do love you Jo,” I smile at him, touch his face and stroke his skin softly,
“I love you too, and…” I give him a small grin, “someone needs to shave,”
“and what if I decide to grow a beard?” he grins back,
“um, if you like?…But please, no full beard…”
“Dang, just the one I wanted,” he teases, “don’t worry, I won’t grow a beard,” I smile, lean closer to his lips and kiss him softly.
“mmm… what was that for?” he asks, slowly opening his closed eyes, looking at me.
“I just wanted to kiss you,” I tell him, and slowly slip my hand under his t-shirt, to touch his bare chest, his nipples, Alex breaths out, moans quietly.
“Jonas…” He whispers, as I keep touching him, exploring, running my fingers up and down, I kiss his neck, and he takes a hold of my wrist, “Jonas,” he repeats, his breathing getting hard. His eyes are close. I look at him innocently as he slowly reopens his yes to look at me, still holding my wrist. “It’s been… a while and… I’m kinda sensitive to your touch…” he explains softly, I lean over to kiss him.
“It’s alright,” I whisper to his ear and reach out to touch him once again, assuring him with a gentle look that it is alright to let go, “I’m not afraid,” I tell him, running my fingers down on his well toned stomach, “I- I know…” I hesitantly try to explain with whispers and I can see the confusion in his eyes, with a soft sigh, I let my hand find it’s way under Alex’s boxers, “you still want me, I’m glad,” I smile at him closing my fist around his slowly hardening organ, “-I want you as well,” and my hand begins to move around him, feeling his heath and want, feeling him. Alex’s breaths through parted lips, looking at me through half opened eyes. “I love you,” I whisper though I know I am repeating it, but I feel so much for him and it feels these simple words are not enough to tell it, but no matter how much I try to find the right words, I don’t know what they are.
Alex reaches for my hand again, moves it behind him and brings our bodies closer together, flush against each others, I feel his breath on my face, his hair tickling my skin, he touches my nose with his own, rubbing it against mine, all the time looking in my eyes, his hand on my cheek caressing softly, gently, adoringly, as his other hand travels across my back, down on my behind, softly, softly, and I gasp, his lips, his scent and his warmth. In his arms I relax and feel the growing heath, I feel his erection against my own and smoothly move my hips against him, rubbing, feeling, it’s so much different than with anyone else. With Alex I feel equal, it feels like it should feel, somewhere deep down I already know that no pain will ever come from his hands, not intentional.
Soft sound of the sheets as they move with our movements, our soft gasps and stifled moans. In these early hours of the morning, he is everything there is, in that moment the demons faid into the darkness and I let my want for Alex take me, I allow myself to get lost with him and I feel free once more, in him lies my strength.
Our movements grow more impatient, demanding, rocking against each others as one, with kisses we silence our release and for along time after it, we stay together like that, just holding each others as if in fear to let go. I don’t want to let go and without words being spoken, I fall into a peaceful and much needed rest.
******
Saturday goes by peacefully, Alex is on a good mood as well as I, we laugh and joke, fool around together. The athmospere seems light, carefree and for awhile it feels normal, even though, deep down, I still worry. I worry that this carefree day will cost us, worry that we’re not so easy off like we like to think. Evil doesn’t like to give in, not so easily, and even if they would sentence Stefan, it doesn’t mean that Alex would be out of the hook, does it?
**^^**^^**^^**^^**
“Guess what?” Mom walks into the kitchen on Sunday morning, cell phone in one hand, wide smile on her lips.
“Um, what?” I ask, holding my coffee cup between my hands to warm them up.
“She called, she agrees to talk with me! I have a very good feeling about this.” She grins,
“She did? Really?” I ask glancing at Alex who smiles as well.
“I knew it! Stefan is going to go down!” He cheers and stands up. He walks over to my mom and gives her a hug. I watch them, sighing with relief, at least we have a witness, that is if she agrees to come to the trial. “Come on Jo, smile! Come here,” Alex urges, slowly I stand up and he closes the distance, pulling me into a hug as well.
“I still think we should wait with the celebration,” I mutter against his neck.
“Ok, ok, but we can still feel little good, this is improvement.” He nods firmly, smiles at me and helps himself with another cup of coffee.
“So mom, when will you be going?” I ask, siting back down to continue my breakfast.
“Well, actually, right now, so Alex, I’m sorry but I don’t have the time to take Taffy out after all,” she looks at him, Alex waves his hand,
“ah not a problem, not a problem at all,” he smiles, “I can take her out, could use a walk myself. How about you Jo, will you come with me?” He looks at me, I know how much he would want me to go out, but…
“If it’s alright, I’d rather stay home? Um, I’m kinda sleepy still,” I mutter, looking sheepishly at him,
“it’s alright, you could really use some sleep and quietness,” he nods, smiling gently at me.
**^^**^^**^^**^^**
Alex:
“Okay, so we’ll be leaving now,” I inform, standing at the bedroom’s doorway. Jo, who lays on the bed, lowers the book down that he’s been reading and gives me a small smile,
“Alright,”
“Do you need anything, I could stop by at the store?” I ask, while buttoning up my jacket.
“Hmh, some coke?” he asks, I smile at him.
“I’ll bring you coke,” I nod, “and how about some chips too?” He grins and nods his head eagerly.
“Ok so I… you’ll be okay here? You know you can…” I start.
“I’ll be fine Alex,” he laughs quietly, “really, I try to get some sleep and I’ll be okay. I’m sure mom won’t be long,”
“Um and about Damian…” I start, he called me earlier, said he wanted to talk and I agreed in hopes that he’s seen something in Stefan’s behaviour that could be in our advantage.
“it’s okay, that you’ll meet him, I’m fine with it, little jealous, but fine,” he nods, biting his lip, “he’s your ex, but… I’m… not worried…”
“Good, because there’s no reason to be,” I walk closer and give him a small, gentle kiss on his lips, stroking his hair back, “now, sleeep, ok? I’ll be back before you know it,” I grin at him.
“Okay, “ He nods giving another small smile that I love to see on his face, “I just read a bit, then I will sleep, or at least try to.”
“Ok, bye love,” I mess up his hair quickly with my hand before I make my leave. I hear him groan,
“I just brushed it, evil…” he mutters and I can’t help but to smile as I leave the room.
*******
The weather is cold, grey and just utterly gloomy, I don’t know if it can get any more depressing than this. I decide to cheer myself up with imagining Stefan’s face when they read him his sentence. I hope the bastard ends up as someones bitch in jail, it would serve him right.
After just 10 minute walk, my cell phone starts to ring and I pick it up from my pocket, automatically assuming that it’s either Jo or his mom.
“Alex,” I answer holding the phone on my ear, “hello?”
“Sorry I must have had the wrong number,” someone mutters and hangs up. Ah it happens, I shrug my shoulders and shove the phone back into my pocket.
Taffy is exploring the wet ground with curiosity, stopping to smell something on the side of the road. Gods how I wish it would be spring already.
“Hey… you…” I hear a voice from behind me and turn my head to the direction to look; a man, swaying on his feet’s, staggers closer,
“hey mate….” He splutters, “got any money?” he asks,
“no,” I reply quickly, pulling the leash and continuing the walk, he however follows.
“Cute dog…” he comments with drunken laughter, I try to ignore, god these alcoholics disgust me. “hey… I’m speaking to you,” suddenly he’s close, his hand takes a hold of my arm, making me stop.
“Give some money, just… I need to make a call…” he tells me, the dirt on his face hides a more youthful face than what I expected, his beard is unshaven, his clothes as dirty as his face…, ugh an he’s touching and he smells and I’m disgusted by it. I try to keep the distant unsuccessfully. God I hate these situations.
“please, just… just a little… just couple of coins… please?” He keeps asking. “What a fine coat you have here, sure must be warm?” he continues to chat, touching my jacket with his dirty hands. Taffy gets restless and starts to bark, the man kneels down,
“cute little doggy,” Taffy bares her teeth’s, he reaches out to pet her,
“Look, you probably shouldn’t…” I try, kneeling as well, lifting her up, I just don’t want the guy to touch her.
“Cute dog,” he repeats, standing up as well, “so how about that money? Please, help a fellow out.” He begs, looking at my coat, touching the hem of it, “sure must be warm,”
“Okay, okay, I have… ok just…” I just want to get rid of him and fast, “I have some coins…hold on,” I try to search through my pockets with my free hand, but with a restless dog in my arms it’s kind of difficult, so I have to lower her down,
“cute dog, a baby dog, what’s his name?”
“It’s a girl, Taffy,” I answer with slightly annoyed voice, continuing to look for the money that I remember having in my jeans pocket.
“Taf..Tafie…” He splutters the name,
“4 euros, ok?” I say and hand the coins closer,
“bless your heart, thank you, I’ll say my prays to you this evening, very kind of you…” He bows and smiles widely, showing off his bad, yellow teeth’s. I can’t understand how someone can let themselves get into such low stage.
“No problem…” I mutter and hurriedly continue my walk.
“God bless you kind sir!” He shouts after me, I roll my eyes. That was just plain weird. I think I’ll wash all of my clothing once I get home and take a LOOOONG bath.
**^^**^^**^^**^^**^
Joonas:
I close my eyes, wrapped under the blankets, in the warmth that feels safe around me. So sleepy, I can feel my body as it starts to relax and lure me into a peaceful sleep.
I don’t know the time, instant ringing of my cell phone, startles me awake, my heart beats madly in my chest, still only half awake. I groan with frustration, reach for the phone; Alex calling, why?? He knows that I was trying to sleep.
“Hello…” I mutter to the phone, trying to fight with the sleepiness and the shock of being waken so suddenly.
Some man starts to blabber nervously and fast in German, somewhere in the background I hear the sirens.
“What? I’m sorry, I don’t understand? English please.” I ask, panic rising in my chest, God don’t let it be what I fear it is.
“There’s been an accident, your number was found in the victims cell phone, he was asking for you and there’s a little dog…” I feel myself shaking all over,
“Is he alright? W–what happened?” I hardly find my own voice, I close my eyes, a sudden headache, this can’t be happening, why? Why now? Why?
“The ambulance is on it’s way, it was a car crash… The dog…”
“Give me the address, please,” I interrupt the man,
“Sure, it’s…”
“wait, wait, I-I need to write it down…” I shakily get up to find a piece of paper and a pen.
I’m panicking, big time, all I can think of is that Alex is hurt and that I need to get to him and fast. I stumble, hurriedly changing my clothes, I’m shaking all over. Ok, ok, the address the man gave, it’s not that far from the apartment. I need to calm down, think straight, I need to… Oh God, what if he dies?? No, no, he can’t… he can’t…
I dress on my outdoor clothes, shoes, I need to hurry. I can’t think, I can’t… Calm down, I need to calm down, I can’t assume anything till I see it, the people and streets that I pass are mere blur in my vision, right, left, left, right…
I can’t hear the sirens, there’s no police cars in sight, there’s nothing that would… I slower my steps, something is off, the address…It can’t be right, the street is empty and… It can’t be right, my cell phone rings, numbly I take it, answer with trembling hands, with shaky voice.
“Hi sweetheart, sorry, I hope I didn’t wake you, but I just called to say that some idiot stole my phone today, so I’m calling from Damien’s phone… anyway, I’m going over to the police station and…” My heart almost stops, strange buzzing in my ears.”…hmm, Jo, are you outside somewhere?” He asks.
“A-Alex….” I start, and that’s when I feel it; cold steel against my right temple.
“Put the phone down….” An all too familiar voice whispers to my ear. A fearful sigh escapes from my lips, soft breath of air on my face, the phone is taken from my hand, and I stand there, frozen with fear, questioning if it’s really happening or not.“Now be a good boy and do as I say, so I don’t have to hurt you…”
Web published: My Secret Shore
© KOLGRIM 2006 - 2007