Chapter 15.
The smell of fresh coffee, the sound of foot steps in the kitchen,opening cabinets, back and forth the footsteps, for one small moment I get fooled that it’s Alex, that I only saw a nightmare, that everything is like it was, in a world where Stefan was still a friend. But I am quickly reminded that it is only a bittersweet illusion.
“You’re awake,” I turn my head to the voice and see the concerned look in her eyes. Only a small nod is what I can offer for a reply. “Would you like a cup of coffee?” She inquires.
“Thank you,” I whisper, and smile faintly as I see Taffy, which quickly runs to me and jumps on to the couch and on my lap.
“Hi girl, did you sleep well?” I pat her gently and let her lick my arm.
Mother soon returns with the cup of coffee.
“Milk and one sugar, right?” She smiles at me, handing the cup between my hands.
“Right,” I nod, and give her a look, a weary smile.
“How did you sleep sweetheart?”
“Okay, I guess,” I shrug my shoulders, “better, I-I don’t remember dreaming, so that is good.” Once again I give her a smile. She still looks concerned.
“Mom, what about Alex?” I ask carefully after a moment of silence. She looks at me, takes a sip of her coffee and lowers the cup down on her lap.
“I will go to the police station, like I promised, you needn’t worry about him.” She tells me. “You know, I saw Henri just couple of weeks ago.” She changes the subject suddenly. With the mention of my ex’s name my heart jumps, I hardly dare to breath and I simply stare at her, stare at my mothes gently smiling face. “He still loves you Joonas,” She continues, “you could still go back, come back home with me. Henri is a good man, he could take care of you, he could offer you so much better than what you have here, he owns a successful business, you’d be near your friends, your family. Sweetheart, I believe this really is something to take into consideration.” I hardly believe what I am hearing, she leans forward, her hand touching my knee. I shrink back, stand up, anger burning inside. I can’t believe Henri has had the nerve to talk with my mother after what he did!
“First of all mother, I am married, in case you have forgotten.” I start looking at her, but before I have the chance to finish, she interrupts.
“You are married with a man, dear, it’s not… it’s not an…”
“It’s not what? Legal? Real?! I assure you it is very real to me, to us! And our marriage is legal. I love Alex and I will not leave his side, not for you and certainly not for Henri, for the bastard who beat me up, who raped me with his friend, who is by no means any better than the one who caused all of this!” I gesture to my bruises, breathing tensily, agitated, nervous. She looks at me with her mouth open, her face pale and imidiately I regret the words that were spilled from my lips. I walk in front of the window, stare outside where it’s grey and cold.
“You are not saying that Henri…” She asks carefully, almost afraid to hear my answer, I close my eyes, my head pounding, lips trembling, my body feels heavy all over, my arms ache, it aches every where, I want to rip out the pain from inside of me, the pain that is constantly choking me.
“Yes… he did…” I breathe out, “they did.” I start to cry, I feel horrible, dirty, unworthy; it’s all my fault, a whore, a slut.
“Joonas,” Her voice almost breaks. “Why… why did you not tell me?”
“How? I didn’t know how. I wanted to… I wanted to spare you from the pain of knowing I guess… I wanted to forget it, and I thought…” She walks over to me and pulls me into a hug.
“I should have seen something, I’m sorry… shh… It will all work out, I’m so sorry sweetheart…shh…we’ll get Alex home to you, I promise.” She holds me for a long time, soothing me. “I love you, it will be alright. I promise.”
**^^**^^**^^**
Alex:
I sit on my bunk, holding my legs against my chest, close to the farthest corner I can get. “Come on pretty, we won’t bite, come here, come see what daddy has.” The man from the neighbouring cell taunts, reaching his hand through the bars, others laugh.
“Aw, leave the poor boy alone, look how scared he is,” someone else says.
“How old are you lad? Do you like sausages?” Again they laugh.
“Such a pretty lad he is.”
I close my eyes, and start to hum quietly, telling myself that I am not really here, but some place else, some place warm, place where my Jo is with me and he’s happy and he’s laughing. With the memories and thoughts of him, somehow I survive yet another night. It should be Stefan, not I.
**^^**^^^**
“Move your ass Bristow,” the harsh voice of the guard tells me when opening the cell door the next morning.. I stand up slowly from my bunk.
“Are you… moving me somewhere?” I ask insecurily.
“Someone bailed you out, now move, I don’t have all day,” the bored, uncaring voice commands. As I follow the man out of the horrible cell, where I have no wish to ever return, I can’t help but to wonder who it is that could have paid for my freedom. They give me my personal belogings and I am being led out to the hall.
Seeing Jo’s mother is certainly surprising, she looks straight at me as I approach, her lips tightened, looking tense and at the same time, she tries to offer me some kind of smile.
“Mrs Virta,” I nod my head to her, “I-“
“You must feel exhausted,” she hurries to say, looking around, patting my cheek nervously before taking her hand down. “How about going back home? My son is waiting, he hates waiting, he-” She glances at me. “Have they treated you alright in here?”
“I’m as good as I can be, how did you-?”
“Come, the taxi is waiting,” she gestures for me to follow and turns. Passing by officers look at us as we pass them by. “They seem to be thinking that my son has…” She starts with a shake of her head, with a tense voice.
“How is Jonas?” I ask worriedly. She looks at me, as the front door is opened, as we are walking out. Her eyes are glimmering, almost as blue as my Jo’s.
“He… all those bruises,” she swallows. “But considering everything that has happened, I’d say he’s doing tolerably well.”
The cab driver gets up from the car and opens the door for us, letting us in. For some minutes, probably fewer than what they feel, we just sit there in silence. Right from the first meeting with Jo’s parents I got the feeling that they did not like me, part of me understands them, after all, I did take their son away to another country.
“Thank you,” I finally tell her, she turns to look at me, opens her mouth as if to say something, but then closes it. Silence.
“I’m doing this for Joonas, first of all.” She finally tells me. I nod slowly.
“I understand.” She looks at me again, breathes out, her eyes still glimmering.
“It doesn’t make sense. I- I’ve never felt this angry, this helpless, this frustrated! My son is hurt and the people that call themseles the hands of law… they… they might as well laugh! They seem to be thinking that…” She shakes her head.
“I know, it’s not right, it’s…”
“Did you know?” She interrupts.
“Know about what?”
“About this friend of yours, the one who hurt Joonas? Why did you let it happen? How did it happen?” I feel heavy with her words, I do blame myself, have blamed myself for the past nights, cursed myself for allowing the jealousy take me over, for not seeing clearly, for driving Jo out, for not getting there early.
“I wish I could take that night back, everything that happened then, I wish I could have made there in time, but… we can’t turn back time no matter what. I love your son, I do, from the bottom of my heart, and I will fight for him, I will fight to at least make it as right as I can. I will fight to get Stefan pay for what he did, and I will continue loving your son, taking care of him for the rest of my life if only he lets me.”
She looks at me silently for a long time, before finally nodding; surprisingly she takes my hand and gives it a squeeze.
“Thank you Alex,” she whispers, “that’s what I wanted to hear.” The rest of the ride is spent in silence, silence that no longer feels as heavy as it did before.
**^^**^^**^^**^^**
Getting home, how different it still feels; it’s good to be home, but at the same time it feels heavy, even the air feels heavier than it was before, nothing is the same and it will be long before it gets easy, if it ever does. Taffy comes to greet me imidiately, welcoming me home with the usual excitement; at least some things never change. I smile, giving her a pat.
“Alex!” It’s Jo’s voice and he almost runs to me, I stand up, and he wraps his arms around me, holding me as if he feared that someone would come and take me again. I hold him, just as tightly, kiss his forehead, his cheeks, taking in his scent, only two nights gone and I missed him greatly, feared for him, longed to be by his side, now that I am, I don’t ever want to be taken away.
“Are you okay?” Jo asks me with worry, looking in my eyes, stroking my cheek. I give him a conforting smile.
“Yes,” I whisper, it’s not the time to be telling of my misery, his is far greater than mine. “Are you? How have you been sleeping?”
“I’m okay,” he nods, “it’s okay,” he repeats and I look at him silently for a moment, the bruises that are still clear on his neck, on his cheek, a torn lip. It pains me beyond words. “I made lunch,” He tells us then, “in the kitchen” with surprise I follow him in with his mother. Joonas insists on serving us, it’s almost like he is back in wanting to pretend everything would be normal, but it’s not and as he reaches to get plates from the cabinet, his shirt moves up, revealing more bruises. I exchange looks with his mother, see her pained expression matching to my own. But neither of us voices it, neither speaks of it, instead we eat lunch, have casual, quiet conversation of things unimportant.
Late in the evening, getting ready to go to bed, he says it.
“Maybe we should drop the charges,” I look at him, as he sits on the edge of the bed, playing with the long sleewes of his sweater.
“Drop the charges?” I repeat arching a brow.
“Maybe it’s for the better, I’m scared….and they won’t believe us, they don’t believe us now.”
“Jo, do you want to remain being the victim for the rest of your life?” I ask in disbelief.
“I don’t want to lose you,” his voice is shaky, sad, scared.
“And you won’t, you will fight with me,” I say more calmly, walking closer, kneeling in front of him.
“They’ll say… They’re going to argue, that I… that it was willing, I don’t know how I can take it. He will hire all the best of lawyers and we…”
“He may have the money, but I cannot believe that after everything, it will save him.” I stand up and rub my face tiredly, then turn to look at him. “For God sake, look at you! You ave bruises all over you!” I gesture whit my hand. “You were crying, scared, you have tearing, willing sex wouldn’t cause what he caused to you, they can’t let him go free, they just can’t! I want to fight, I want to win and I want some bloody justice! I want him to see that he cannot go around using people like that! Jo we need to do this, you need to do this for yourself, otherwise… How can you ever… just walk out, without being scared out of your mind?” I ask him and he breaks down in tears. I sit down on the bed whit him and pull him in my arms. “Fight with me sweetheart, please, please do this.” I beg him.
“I want to fight, I-I’m just scared,” he whispers. “I don’t want to…” He looks into my eyes, “if they arrest you again, I’ll never forgive myself.” I wipe the tears away from his eyes.
“They won’t. Because we will win this.” I assure him, wanting to believe that the justice will win in the end, it must.
When Jo is finally asleep with the help of some sleeping pills, I walk over to the kitchen where his mother waits, drinking tea.
“He’s a sleep?” She asks, I nod my head tiredly and help myself whit a cup, sit down with her.
“Please tell me what you know, of the night, of the man, of everything” She asks me. “I need to know and… my son is unlikely to tell.” I sigh and take a sip of my tea.
“Stefan… His name is Stefan, he goes to the same school with me and… I should have… He pretented to be Jo’s friend! He’s good at it, fooling people,“ I sigh. “There must be evidence in his house…” I look at her, wondering how much she’s ready to hear.
“Go on,” she encourages, though it’s easy to see how difficult this is for her.
“I can’t be certain, but it might be that Stefan has filmed him… he… I know he set his eyes on Jo the minute he saw him…I tried… I should have tried harder but…” I run my fingers through my hair.
“Jo told us, that there was a housekeeper there that night, I bet she heard everything, but the police claim that she knows nothing, that she heard nothing, I bet Stefan has… I think I can go and have a word with her, just get her to speak the truth out because she must know it!” I get angry again just thinking of it.
“If you go there, they’ll arest you again, and I don’t think my son can take it,” She interrupts. “Please, let me do something, let me go over there, see if I can talk to her, a woman to a woman.” She takes my hand across the table. “It’s not up to you to do everything,” she whispers.
“Are you sure?” I ask insecurely.
“Yes, I’m sure, better you than me; you getting yourself in trouble will do nothing to help my son.” She reminds me and in truth… I feel grateful, the two nights in jail were horrible, I was scared as hell and I still am, of going to prison… I feel sick just thinking about it, about what could happen there
“Alright, you can try, let us pray that it helps, that she listens and… does the right thing.” I nod my head. If only it would work!
“I will not let him go unpunished for what he did to my son, you can be sure of that.” She whispers and by the look in her eyes, I know she means it. Stefan should fier, he should be very afraid.
Web published: My Secret Shore
© KOLGRIM 2006 - 2007