HAPPY EVER AFTER?

Chapter 1.

I’m 20 years old and I’m married. That’s right; married. I still caught myself looking at the ring from time to time, wondering if it’s really real. Well being married is not anything out of the ordinary of course, but I am a 20-old male married to a 22-year old male. That’s not something you see everyday.

It all happened so quickly. Alex coming to rescue me; my hero, asking me to move in with him, I agreed. After talking about it, we soon realised what problems I would be facing with the moving. Getting a work permit would have been the sensible way to go, but it is suited for those who hadn’t gone through what I had. I’m still more or less scared of people and feeling quite insecure of myself.

I guess Alex saw that I needed time, so the next thing I knew I had an engagement ring on my finger and we were taking care of all the necessary documents that one has to take care of in order to get a marriage license. Once it was done, we went to the city hall, two of my friends as our witnesses. Anna was crying throughout the ceremony, saying that it was the cutest thing ever.

Riku, my childhood friend, looked slightly bothered by it, but remained silent. I knew that he thought that I was acting too rash, I knew that he thought that my moving to Frankfurt wasn’t the best idea; ‘It would not solve your problems, instead it could make them worse’ were his exact words, when we had had quite long and deep conversation the previous night, I had told him everything that had happened. I’ve never seen him looking so mad, like he would be ready to kill both Henri and Tom. We talked some more and finally Riku said that if Alex makes me happy, then he had no objections about it.

Getting home, telling my parents and my sister was kind of hard. Mom started crying, when I told her that I was moving. Dad said that I was an idiot and some other unfriendly things about Alex, that luckily he could not understand because they were said in Finnish.
“What about your swimming career? What about your studies?” Dad had screamed.

“When did this happen?” Mom asked in return. “What happened with Henri?” She asked after.
“This is the stupidest stunt you’ve ever pulled on us Joonas. You were better off with Henri; a successful restaurant owner, who supported you! You trading that for this? Getting married to a foreigner and moving to Germany! This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” Dad was furious.

I started crying as my parents were defending Henri, the man who had done such an afoul thing to me, and badmouthing my new husband (still so weird calling him that) who had rescued me from that hell. Of course my parents did not know about what had happened, and I had no intention of telling them. ‘Mom, dad, I was raped repeatedly by the man you think so highly of and by his friend.’ No, I could not bring myself to say it.

Alex, the great man that he is, remained calm, placed his hand on my shoulder, looking at them. He told them that he loves me and will do anything in his power to keep me happy. My sister was the only one who warmed up to him. We did not stay for the night, but instead went to my friends’ house.

Our wedding night… There was no such thing, or there was, but nothing happened that usually happens on such a night. We slept, snuggled close to one another, few pecks and that was it. All in all, our marriage wasn’t the most romantic one, but we were married and next morning we left to Frankfurt.

I was surprised to see my parents at the airport that morning. Mom ran to me, pulling me in her arms, tears on her cheeks.
“I love you sweetheart, no matter what and you’re always welcomed back home.” She whispered and even dad hugged me, wishing me luck. I cried as I had to part with them, suddenly scared shitless of my new live in Germany, where the only person I knew was Alex and an aunt that had always remained quite distant to me.

So here I am now, in my new home. First two weeks were the best that I’ve had in a long time, Alex had taken some time off from his studies and from his work to get me settled in. Many nights we walked through the city, holding hands when no one saw. Not everyone would understand it, so we would have to be careful, Alex told me.
The money was low after the flights, his staying in Finland, the night at the hotel and such. But I felt contend and happy, it was romantic; those first two weeks, but still we had no sex. We did not even talk about it, Alex didn’t push it and I did not dare to make the first move either, or ask about it even. So far I was happy with the light pecks and with the innocent cuddling. I felt at ease, nothing was threatening me. Henri and Tom were miles away and I was lying in the gentle arms of my German husband.


But all good things must come to an end. Alex returned to school and 3 nights a week, he has work. I’m alone in our home that still feels more like his and not mine. Every piece of furniture is his, arranged by him, the interior was decorated by him, not by us. Though Alex has told me numerous times that everything was ours now, married people shared everything; I did not feel it. I did not feel like someone’s husband, I still don’t. We don’t have a proper sex life, so what kind of marriage is that?

Every show on TV has been dubbed in German, the first time I realized it, I started to cry. I was alone, bored and only wanted to watch some TV, but I can’t understand any of it, only words here and there. My life before was quite active, I had my studies, swimming and the competitions that came with it, meeting friends, going out … I could have made it big with my swimming, that’s what my trainer always told me, and let’s just say that he wasn’t all that happy when I told him that I was going to quit … And then I had my life with Henri …
I have nothing but my thoughts to keep me company and every time I close my eyes, I remember. The thing that bothers me the most is the change of Henri. At one time he was such a sweet, caring man and then ... So strange …

I clean the house, listening to music, trying to lose myself in it, trying to get rid of the thoughts that torment me daily, the pain inside. I cook for Alex. I feel like I’m a lousy husband, so at least I can try to make his home look nice and serve him a nice supper once he gets home after a hard day. So that maybe he wouldn’t regret our marriage too much? That’s my greatest fear. I fear that he’s out there telling his friends how miserable he is. I imagine him sitting in the cafeteria with them; ‘I wish I hadn’t married that stupid, ugly bitch, my life is ruined now.’ He tells them and they feel sorry for him.

Again I start to cry, pulling myself back together before he comes home.

“Hey baby.” He calls from the hall, it’s 9.30pm; he left at 7.30am.
“I made you some dinner.” I tell him once he reaches he kitchen, I place the plates down on the table. “You must be tired, sit down, I’ll serve you.” I feel like a housewife … And then it hits me that I am one, except I have a penis, so that makes me a house husband or something weird.

“Thank you Jo, you’re the greatest.” He smiles, reaching out to touch my cheek. Then he looks at his plate; meatballs, mashed potatoes and some vegetables.
“I hope you like it.” I tell him, feeling quite nervous.
“Looks good.” He says and starts eating. “Wow, this is really good sweetheart.”
“Thank you, I tried to make them like my mother does.” I say quietly and start eating myself.

“How was your day?” I ask then.
“Rough, sorry honey, I’m too tired to talk about it… But how was your day?”
“Um, it was fine.” I move the food on my plate, playing with it more than eating it, I don’t feel hungry.
“I noticed that you’ve been cleaning here, thank you.”
“It’s nothing, I-, the place needed it and I don’t want your friends thinking that I’m just worthless foreigner bum that eats your food and does nothing in return.”
“No one thinks that.” He tells me, I give him a half smile.



We are lying side by side on the bed and kissing each others, the moment growing more and more heated. I think I might be ready for more, I want him so badly. But once again it’s Alex who stops it, he pulls away, gets up, I look at him in confusion.
“I need a shower.” He tells me and leaves the room quickly. Soon enough I hear the shower running. The same thing has happened for so many nights that it’s starting to get ridiculous.
“Great, just great, my husband finds me so utterly repulsing that he has to run off to take a shower rather that make love to me. I’m so ugly, so disgusting, I can’t really blame him for running off.

I’ve ruined his life, he probably just felt responsible somehow and that’s why he married me. I turn of the nightlight and turn my back towards the door. After 20minutes or so Alex returns, he gives me a quick kiss and says good night. I’ve never felt more alone than I do now.

Chapter 2.

Alex:

He changed my life forever. It was supposed to be just fun, just one night thing really. He caught my eye; even with all those people at the club that night all I could see was him. Blindly, I followed him to the bar counter, his eyes met mine and that was it. I knew I had to have him.

But he was already taken and usually, had it been anyone else, I would have left it there. But then I thought; oh what the hell, just some innocent flirting, well more or less innocent, where’s the harm? So I kept looking at him, my eyes following him keenly. He looked back secretly, smiling, trying to hide it. I remember cursing the man beside him in my mind, damn him for getting to touch that sweet perfect angel… sexy angel.

Then suddenly the man said something to him, something that clearly got him upset. Couldn’t hear the words exchanged between them, not that it would have made any difference even if I had. I remember him standing up, saying something and leaving the table quickly, ignoring the man who called his name. I saw my chance and decided to take it.

I remember taking his hand in mine, smiling and not saying a word. In confusion he had smiled back, he did not ask anything, did not pull his hand away. He followed me, looking at me, smiling. I smiled back. He laughed quietly, shook his head, but kept following me. They were calling him and we ran. We ran to the second floor of the club, into a dim corner, near the railing where we could still see all the way down, see them as they tried to look for him. We laughed at them. Our eyes met again, slowly I pushed him up against the wall, kissed his full lips. Never had I shared a kiss as heated as ours was, kiss more perfect than ours was. That was it; the moment you always hear happening to others, happening in movies and never really believe it possible until it happens to you. The kiss was all there was, he was all there was.

“Come with me tonight, be mine tonight?” I whispered to his ear. His blue eyes looked deep into mine, his lips parting, slowly he nodded his head.

I was lost forever. When the morning sun rose, waking us up into the reality, I did not want to let him go. Before I could stop myself, I was begging for his phone number, begging! And I never beg... He had already gotten dressed, he looked at me, hesitated, but finally agreed. He wrote it down on a piece of paper.
“We’ll be staying here for another week or so, but I don’t know if I can…” He told me insecurely.
“I’ll call you.” I told him and I did call him.

What lucky news it was to me when his boyfriend got sick, so he came back and back again. I became obsessed or in love, a foreigner with a boyfriend –just my bloody luck. I didn’t want to let him go, I even asked him to stay, mentally hitting myself. I didn’t know what had gotten in to me, I’ve never before felt that way or behaved that way. I don’t think that he took me seriously though, I don’t think he realized back then that I was being serious. He laughed softly; "Aren't you a sweetheart," he smiled. "Be careful of what you ask, what if I would take that offer?" He laughed after and I really wished that he would.

I really was obsessed. After he was gone, all I could think of was him, all I kept hoping for, was that he would call and I hated to think of him sleeping with his boyfriend, I hated to think of his hands on him. My friends were starting to worry about me, they could not understand what was so special about this Scandinavian. I tried to explain, but it was hard to find the right words for something that even I couldn’t completely understand.
“You’re my first Alex, I’ve never let him take me the way I let you and I never will, I promise.” Those were the words that comforted me at nights and I tried my best not to call him too often, not to scare him with my obsession. I wanted to act cool, I think I managed to hold myself down quite well. I tried to get rid of my thoughts of him, but couldn’t. I had fallen in love, as silly as it may sound, but I could not help it, I still can’t.

So imagine my shock to wake up one early morning to a phone call, you hear someone crying and then realize that it’s the guy that you love. I asked what was wrong and with a broken voice he told me. My heart was beating madly, they had raped him. That fucking son of a bitch had raped him! I told him to try to get to Stockholm airport from the ship that they were on. And then I waited, and I waited, the day was the longest day ever. I kept waiting for his call that never came, I tried calling him back several times. His cell was turned off and for all I knew, he could be dead or something.

I was driven, I just couldn’t sit back and wait, I needed to act. My friends, some of them, tried to talk me out of it, but I was determined. Dieter and Franz, however, were with me, the word rapist is like throwing a red cloth at them. They wanted to do some serious ass kicking and apparently they were open to see some new places."Who knows; maybe we find ourselves a couple of hot Scandinavians too." Franz laughed before we took our leave.

It almost broke my heart, seeing him, looking so broken. I knew right then that I wanted to take care of him forever, I wanted to keep him safe forever, I still do. So I married him. I never thought I would marry someone, but here I am, or rather; here we are. I love him, I feel it every time I look at him.

He’s so scared and insecure now. When I first met him, he was different it that way, confident and playful. I remember how amazed I was by his body when I first saw him naked. I told him how amazing he looks and he thanked me with a smile. "I’ve practised swimming since I was 5 years old," he told me. If I tell him now that he’s beautiful, he blushes.

I’m not sure what’s going inside his mind, there’s sadness in his eyes now, sadness that seems to have taken over him, even when he smiles, it’s still there. I want to make him happy.

He is breathtakingly beautiful, he knew it before and now… I’ve seen him looking at the mirror sometimes and turn away in disgust. How can I bring him back to the light from the darkness that he is in?

I still want him, it’s freaking hard to will my hands not to touch him the way I long to touch him. It’s hard to hold him, hard to kiss him and not take it farther. He’s my husband and I long to make love to my husband. Sometimes the little devil in my mind whispers that I have the right, we are married and I have the right to enjoy him that way, but I will myself not to act on it. He’s been hurt so badly, I’m not sure how deep his wounds are and I fear to make them deeper by acting too soon because of my lust for him. I’ve been wanking off two-three times per day. Sometimes all I need to do is to look at him and I have to run off to take a 'shower'…such a torment… It’s ridiculous how often one can get a hard on.


I hate leaving him alone, I know he must feel somewhat lonely. It’s odd to have someone waiting for you at home, it’s the first time I’ve lived with someone. Some of my friends still shake their heads when I talk about him. They think I’ve lost my mind, getting married to him. They mistake my love for him with an urge to save another fallen down bird, they are wrong. I wouldn’t go as far as marriage if I really didn’t want to spend my life with him. Besides, I feel that my friends can’t say anything about it before they’ve seen us together, before they’ve met him. I just want to give Jo more time before I’ll let the curious wolves in.

The apartment smells so clean when I step in, there’s also a lovely smell of food.
“Hey baby.” I call and walk towards the kitchen.
“I made you some dinner.” He tells me and urges me to sit down.
I watch as he serves me the food, noticing his bare feet as I look down, and I almost chuckle: my weird little Scandinavian, it’s so odd, but cute at the same time.

He sits down, I lean to touch his cheek and thank him. It’s nice to have a ready made dinner when you get home after a rough day. He asks about my day; I don’t have the energy to go through it again, I tell him this and in return ask about his. I thank him for cleaning the place up, he tells me that he fears that my friends think of him as some kind of bum. I wish he would stop thinking like that.

Lying on the bed with him, kissing him, I feel my hunger growing; blood rushes down fast, how long can I keep waiting for him? Oh, this torment, I use every inch of my will power that I can find to tear myself away from his sweet lips and the warmness of his body. He looks up at me, his red lips parting, so tempting.
“I need a shower.” I tell him and leave the room quickly.

Chapter 3.

Joonas


I’m so bored that I could die. Once again Alex has one of his long days, meaning I’m alone for 14 hours or so… I always though it would be fun to just lay back, relax, stay at home, ya know? Well it turns out that it’s not … not this long … not alone… I have no one to talk to but myself and at this rate I’m losing my mind. I am not built for this kind life, this idle life, my mind and my body feels restless, I yearn to do something, anything!
I feel so alone…

I’m terribly home sick. I guess my honeymoon in Germany is over just like my honeymoon with Alex and we didn’t even get to the sex! This sucks … I haven’t been out much, so it might have something to do with that? But I miss home, my homeland …

It’s not that I wouldn’t love Alex, because I do. He just feels so far away, even when he’s close it doesn’t feel like he’s really here with me. I miss him, I miss the time when I was more sure of his love. It feels like there’s some kind of wall between us, a wall that I’d like to break, but don’t know how. He is so handsome … Alex could have anyone at all and here he is stuck with me, married with me …

I turn on the computer, just like everyday, check that the Internet connection is on, make myself some coffee. Walk into the bathroom, brush my hair in front of the mirror; it’s getting quite long I take note, wondering should I cut it or not, always ending up with the: not. I take my blue headband and use it to get my hair form falling on my face, on my eyes. I have my deep blue sweatpants on, my tight fitting white blue Suomi t-shirt, which is now one of my favorites. I wonder if I look too fat, I fear I’m getting fat… Should skip my breakfast again, coffee is enough for me. I look at my face more closely, touch my skin, my cheeks, turning my head from side to side.

There was a time, not so long ago, when I-. I was cocky… Everyone was always telling me how pretty I was, even the smallest child. When I was twelve, junior high, it increased. Pretty, became handsome or beautiful depending on the person who said it. It got to me. I couldn’t help it. Now, I’m suddenly feeling insecure, I feel like I am tainted somehow, by their touches; so dirty, so unwelcome, still lingering on my skin. I feel that it can be smelled, or seen, what has been done to me. It is dirty. Starting with Tom, Henri, those three guys, Henri again and again, breaking everything I used to know, thought I knew. It was never suppose to happen, not to me. It is never supposed to happen to you.

I’m scared, scared that Alex is slipping away, farther and farther away, he looks at me and… he… Maybe every time that he touches me he is disgusted…? Maybe he sees it, what they did, he knows… He sometimes whispers that I’m beautiful, maybe he’s just saying that? How am I supposed to believe it, when his touches are so brief. HOLD ME! I want to scream at him. Love me, listen to me, but I remain silent. “How’s you’re day been?” He asks and I would like to tell him; I’m lonely, I miserable like this, but I cannot bring myself to say it out loud so instead I smile and tell him it was fine.

Love me. The scars are not visible, but they are there, why won’t you kiss them better? If you love me, wouldn’t you kiss them better?

I walk back into the living room and sit in front of the computer, log in MSN. My friends are there, many of them, a smile appears on my lips. Almost immediately a conversation box pops out-

Riku: Joonas!!!!!
Riku: My favorite blond!
Jon: Are you drunk?
Riku: Are you?
Jon: Sadly no, it’s like 2pm…
Riku: So?
Jon: It’s Wednesday.
Riku: Ah, little Saturday my friend; little Saturday, perfect day for some drinking… I’m not drunk yet, but I plan to be later ;)…
Jon: You’re going out this evening?
Riku: We are, yes, have a day off tomorrow. First we’re going to Niklas, you know the usual; sauna, beer, eating, then out.
Jon: Sauna… I want to go to sauna, this bloody sucks…
Riku: I feel for you my friend, no sauna? That does suck. Tell Alex that he should build one for you. In the meantime - public sauna. Tell him to find a good place for you to go to. Okay?
Jon: Well… I wish it would be that easy, but… But I guess I’ll just wait until I visit home again.
Riku: When will you come for a visit, we all miss you, u know that.
Jon: You do?
Riku; My sisters heart is broken by you, lol, I mean honestly, I think it is. And yeah, not to sound too gay or anything but I miss you…I scratched Henri’s car by the way.
Jon: You did??
Riku: hell yeah. I wrote; fucking rapist with my key on his brand new car, lmao. I was drunk and pissed off and his car was standing there and you know; one thing led to another kind of thing.
Riku: So poor Henri has been forced to use the public transformer since he is too ashamed to drive his car before it has been repainted. The bastard, should cut his dick off.

I stay silent for awhile, wondering what to answer, it makes me slightly uncomfortable talking like this.

Riku: did I lose you?
Jon: No, I’m here.
Riku: Change of subject? I’m sorry, should have known better than to bring it up,
Jon: It’s okay, I appreciate it, really I do. He always loved his car too much…
Jon: Anyways…
Riku: How are you Joonas?
Jon: Fine
Riku: no you’re not.

How does he do this? I wonder.

Riku: The truth, now, how are you?
Jon: lonely
Riku: Where’s Alex?
Jon: School, and his work starts at 4pm, he gets home after nine.
Jon: There’s something that bothers me…
Riku: Tell me, spill it out, let the doctor make it better,
Jon: The doctor, huh?
Riku: Well I’ll be doctor, someday, you’ll see. Just haven’t decided what kind of doctor…hm… Anyways, I’m here for you, your personal one and only shrink. I shrink heads for decent price.
Jon: you sure you’re not drunk?
Riku: Yes, almost positive, just ate some funky stuff that my grandma made… she’s getting a bit senile, so u never know… Well, anyways, enough about funky food and senile grandparents… Tell me, talk to me?
Jon: We haven’t had sex
Riku:-
Riku: We as in who?
Jon: Well who do you think I mean? Me and my beloved wedded husband that’s who.
Riku: oooh, you mean at all?
Jon: not since summer, not since we’ve been married. It’s almost two months…
Riku: You scared?
Jon: Well… Yes, it scares me a little, but also… I would want it, does that make me bad for wanting? I mean after what… Is it normal?
Riku: You’re perfectly normal Joonas. You’re twenty and want sex with your, um, with that guy of yours, sounds normal to me.
Jon: Thank you, um… The thing is, I think he doesn’t want me… He kisses me and then he runs away when we could take it to the next level and I- I just feel that he finds me disgusting and I can’t really blame him because every time I remember, I find myself quite disgusting too and the worst part is that I have to live with myself, with that, I can’t run from it like he does.

Riku: Why would he have married you if he would feel that way? And besides I think you’re wrong, how can anyone find you disgusting?
Jon: Maybe he does? I told him everything about what happened and maybe he can’t get it out of his head, maybe he started to feel that I am a slut and… you know… for going with those guys and given how this relationship started in the first place… Maybe he thought he owed me something and had to marry me?
Riku: You told me everything too, stop blaming yourself now, will you? And Alex would have to be a pretty much of a dumbass if he had married you for the reasons that you said.
Jon: Yeah…. I don’t know what to do though… He’s so hot… It’s like torture I tell you. Every morning he does his little work out without his shirt on and…uh… torture! I can’t even be sure how far I would be ready to take it, because I never have the chance to try. You know for once I would just like that he when comes home, he would walk over to me, lift me up and carry me to the bed and say: baby I want you so bad, I want to make love to you right now!…But noooo. No such luck… and I really am starting to worry about my own masculinity, I feel like a woman; you see what I’m writing here? Someone should just come over and let me out of my misery.

Riku: Alright, give me his phone number, let me call him and give him a piece of my mind, perhaps tell him a little tale about the facts of life and sex.
Jon: Haha, no…thanks but no. My problem, I’ll fix it myself. Maybe it will all change for the better in the end? Who knows…

Suddenly I hear sound at the door, voices, someone is opening the door.

Jon: Oh my God, someone is coming in, what the fuck is the emergency number in Germany?
Riku: Um, no clue, check the net, I can check it for you.

“Hey baby, I’m home.” Alex voice comes from the hall, and I can hear that he doesn’t come alone. Strange voices, of strange men, my heart is still beating like the one of rabbits.

Jon: Never mind, it’s only Alex and apparently some of his friends. –Shit!
Riku: I thought you said he’d be working late?
Jon: I thought so…

I hear foots steps coming closer and turn to look, Alex smiles at me.
“We have a school project that we have to work on. What’s up sweetheart?” He leans in to kiss my cheek lovingly. Two guys and one girl follow him into the living room and I freeze. Looking at them warily. Why the fuck wasn’t I informed about this? Great, just fucking prefect, I’m not dressed for guests. I’m not prepared for guests.
“I thought you had work today.” I mutter.
“Oh, did I forget to tell you? I’m sorry honey, I thought I told you about this,” I’m not happy at all, I’m feeling very uncomfortable, the strangers look at me with curiosity.
“This is Joonas, my boyfriend I told you about.” Alex introduces me. So now I’m a boyfriend and not a husband, huh? Well okay, I’d probably say the same thing.

“Joonas, these are my friends from school; Heike,” He points at the red haired girl. “And here’s Martin…”A chubby blond haired guy nods his head. “…And Stefan.” A tall, stormy eyed brunet, who looks at me keenly, intensively, almost making me blush.
“Hello.” I greet them trying to collect myself from my embarrassment.
“Nice to meet you Jo, Alex has told me so much about you.” Heike smiles, she has pretty green eyes that go with her flaming red hair perfectly.
“Nice to meet you, too.” I smile back and glance at Alex. I still feel upset about not being informed about this earlier.

“Alright, I guess we should start working, anyone wants some coffee?”
“Yes, please.”
“How about you Jo?”
“I just had one cup, so no thanks.”

A brief smile on Alex’s lips before he turns and leaves towards the kitchen, his friends following. I get another look from Stefan and a smile cast in my direction, my cheeks go red and I quickly turn back towards the screen.

Jon: Alex brought his friends over.
Riku: What are they like?
Jon: I don’t know, the girl seemed nice, Heike or something. Then there was one fat blond that definitely has been home at dinner time, eating bratwurst I imagine, and then there was one other guy…
Jon: I just wish that Alex would have told me, I look horrid right now.
Riku: I’m sure you look just fine as always ;) Hey, sorry, but I need to get going. I’ll talk to you later, alright? And I hope everything will be solved between you two.
Jon: Have fun, tell everyone that I said hi,
Riku: I will, bye!
Jon: bye!

I listen to the voices coming from the kitchen, intensive conversation in German, they sound angry but then Heike’s laughter breaks it, her voice is smooth, amused and gentle, immediately having its effect on the men, their voices, the tense voices that first belonged to Alex and Stefan, soften, become more civilized. This project must be something important to get them so worked up because of it.

I decide to sneak into the bedroom, I am not missed here. I lie on the bed, curl up under the blanket, a book in my hands. The book that always cheers me up; the diary of a drunken lunatic (Juoppohullun päiväkirja* ©Juha Vuorinen) This guy cracks me up, I chuckle to myself as I read. It feels so warm, the bed is so soft, slowly I start to feel tired, the book falls from my hands and I give in to the fatigue that claims me.

Alex:

I forgot to tell Jo about the change of plans and he didn’t look all that pleased when I showed up early with my friends from school. How could I forget to tell him?

We sit in front of the kitchen table, the papers and books in front of us. We have to put up a fake company, do all the necessary paper work and plans that we would have to do if we were to put up a real one. I glare at Stefan, who in his usual way has to suddenly change his mind about the plan I though we had all already agreed to. Suddenly he wants to change everything. God I hate this guy, I hate the fact that he’s in my group and I hate it that he acts as if we’re friends. Besides, I did notice the look he gave to my husband, I’m not happy at all…

“Well, I just feel that we should aim for something bigger, different. Come up with something that none of the others have, my father says…”
Oh great here we go again. His father this, his father that, the rich bastard…
“Our plan is just fine, I do not care what your father has to say about it, we’ve already done the ground work with this, we already have material, it would be just plain stupid to start all over again just because your father thinks that-“
“What, afraid of a little challenge, are you, Alex?” Stefan asks smugly.
“No, I’m just being practical, unlike you…” Heike's laughter stops us.
“Guys, stop it. I’m sure we can come up with a compromise, alright? Now, less fighting more working.”


A third cup of coffee, gods I feel tired. It’s already 6 pm, I checked up on Joonas and he’s fallen asleep in the bedroom, looking so absolutely adorable under the covers, book fallen from his hands. Also disturbingly sexy…
Gods, I want him, I’m horny like 24/7, this is getting ridiculous.

“What is he like in bed?” Stefan suddenly whispers in my ear. I snap my head up, look at him, he grins. “Is he the bottom, he is, isn’t he? Is he tight?”
“I believe that our sex life is none of your business.” I hiss between my teeth. He chuckles.
“Don’t take my curiosity too seriously Alex.” He says then with a smile on his lips, his gaze on the book in front of him.

Suddenly I hear quiet whimpering from the bedroom.
“Ei, ei saa! Henri lopeta… Päästä, ei saa, lopeta!” Joonas starts screaming with panicked voice. I quickly stand up and run to the bedroom. He’s tossing and turning on the bed, as if fighting against an unseen enemy in his sleep.
“Jo, hon, wake up.” I gently nudge him. He opens his eyes, looking around in fright, he sees me and imidiately curls up in my lap, burying his face against my neck, I feel his tears on my skin. I stroke his hair gently, trying to soothe him.
“It’s okay honey, it was just a bad dream, they can’t hurt you anymore.” I tell him. He takes in shaky breaths trying to calm down. I see Stefan at the doorway and give him a nasty glare so that he understands he has to leave. “Hey, I’ll be right back, just see my friends off, then we can watch some movie together.” I whisper. “In English.” I add with a smile and feel as he nods his head. I kiss his forehead and leave the room.



His head is resting against my chest, his hand on my thigh, I keep mine on his hips afraid to move it, suddenly so aware of his body so close to mine. The way his hair smells like cinnamon and apple, chilli… What is this shampoo? He moves a little, and so does his shirt, suddenly my hand contacts with naked skin of his hips. My breathing becomes tense, my fingers start gently stroking the revealed skin. I have absolutely no idea what has happened in the last half an hour of the movie, he lets out a quiet moan of comfort, such a sweet moan. Dear God I’m getting hard, again! This is absolutely ridiculous, hard without any touch in that area! I can only pray that he won’t notice, but I’m really getting quite uncomfortable in my pants, I need… need so bad, want so bad.

God I’m sick. I mean here he was only moments earlier having a nightmare about his rape and comes to me for comfort and all I can think of is having sex with him. I think of sex almost every minute that I’m with him. This is the worst kind of silent torture… He moves his hand up, my mind fills with images of what I would like to do with him and my cock is throbbing, the pain… I need to touch it so bad, please… how can I touch it… I have to think about something else quickly… unsexy thoughts; Martin getting it on with Heike, naked Martin and Heike rolling on the bed on each others…Yes, that did it, thank God! I sigh with relief. How long can I wait? How long will it take until I lose my control with him?

**^^**^^**^^**^^**

I decided to have a party, my friends kept bugging me about it, wanting to meet him. Joonas said it was alright so…
I can see that he’s nervous, don’t know many times he changed his clothes finally ending up with pair of blue grey jeans and black dress shirt. He looks amazing, again I have so much trouble keeping my hands away, from ravaging him. From carrying him into the bedroom, tearing his clothes off and taking him. ‘Unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts.’ I remind myself desperately. I have to keep myself in control.

Unfortunately, somehow, Stefan managed to invite himself to my party too. God I do hate this guy…


**^^**^^**^^**^^**
Joonas:


My heart is racing in my chest as the people show up, I try to smile, try to answer questions, hoping desperately that they would like me. Unfortunately, not all of them speak English well, so most conversation is happening in German. I sit close to Alex, his arm around my shoulders, a beer bottle in my hand, ripping out pieces from its label. I was happy to get people here, also nervous but mostly happy thinking it would get my mind off of things and that finally I would have someone to talk to, maybe get some friends, but it seems that I really have to start working with learning German. So far my vocabulary doesn’t get me far. I can tell them what my name is, how old I am, I can ask for a cup of coffee, say thank you and hello, tell Alex I love him. I can also say some other phrases that I learned from one comedy show, but they really won’t help me with anything. So I sit there, listen, smile a little, trying to look as if I understood their jokes, or what I can assume to be jokes because everyone is laughing.

Alex sometimes asks me if I’m alright, I nod my head and tell him that I am. It’s been a while since he’s had the chance to go out and have fun with his friends so I want him to enjoy it, desperately trying to hide my own boredom. I don’t want him to lose his fun because of me.
“I’ll get another beer.” I whisper to him and stand up, walk into the kitchen.

My mind wanders off back home, back to the home parties with my friends, fun time, summer, so carefree. Sometimes I remember some good happy moments with Henri and they just seem so unreal, like in another life. Midsummer, cabin, grilling out, drinking, swimming, sauna. We had fun then. But I remember the monster that he turned out to be in the end and soon I push the memories out of my mind again, what good it does to remember?

I take another beer and sit in front of the table. A sudden pain in my chest. The nightmare starts trying to come back, voices in my head, I wish to get rid of them. I wish Alex would notice me, perhaps if he did, if he agreed to make love to me, I’d get rid of the pain, I’d remember his touch and I would not have to live with the constant thought that Henri was the last to touch me that way.
What do I have to do? I’ve tried to get him to notice, what more do I need to do? Walk in front of him naked, get on my hands and knees and write him a sign that says” Would you please fuck me and consummate this marriage already!”?

“Hi.” Sudden voice says and I snap my head up. Stefan. He smiles at me, walks closer, pulls a chair and sits down opposite me.
“Why are you here all alone?” He asks.
“I-“ I look at the beer bottle in my hands. “I guess I just thought that it would be all the same for me to sit here than there, at least by sitting here, someone else gets to sit down on the sofa... Um, I don’t understand what they are talking about and I felt kind of silly just sitting there.” I tell him, blush creeping on my skin.

“Well, let me keep you some company.” He smiles. “If I were Alex, you wouldn’t be sitting here alone.” He says then, leaning forward, his arms on the table, looking at me and smiling. I smile back at him shyly.
“So Jonas, tell me about yourself, I’m intrigued.”
“What do you want to know?”
“Well, I know that you’re Finnish, I know your name and that you are 20 years old. I pretty much want to know everything I don’t know yet. How did you and Alex meet?” His voice is deep, his grey blue eyes follow me, watching me and my skin is burning.
“We, we met this summer. I was here on a holiday and… well we met, kept in touch and here I am.” He looks at the ring on my left finger.
“It got serious,” he takes note, I glace at him, he grins at me, in a flirting way, leans even closer.
“And tell me Jonas, what do you like to do? Do you have any hobbies?”
“I um, I used to be a swimmer.” I tell him, taking a drink from my bottle.
“Used to? Not anymore?”
“I, well it’s complicated. Now that I live here, I- I don’t know where I could swim you know, practise in private and….”
“Well you know what, Jonas?” He asks, I wonder why he says my name so often…
“What?”
“I happen to have a pool in my house and I happen to have a sauna in that said house. Tell you what, you’re welcome to use them anytime you like. How does that sound?”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“Oh, that’s too kind of you.” I can’t help but to smile brightly with hope. I miss swimming and sauna and I wouldn’t have to worry about several pairs of prying eyes watching me. “But, I- I don’t have much money to pay you if…” He raises his hand to stop me.
“Hey, what are friends for? Any friend of Alex is a friend of mine, besides it would be fun to get some company there from time to time.”
Suddenly I feel such joy and happiness, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad here after all? Maybe I can get friends?
“You have such a lovely smile, you should smile more often.” He says then, again I blush.
“Really, Alex is an idiot, if I had someone like you, someone as beautiful as you, they wouldn’t be sitting alone in the kitchen talking to a handsome guy like myself.” He grins. Oh God, he thinks I’m beautiful. I can’t help but giggle a little, alcohol shutting down every warning bell that would normally start to ring. Attention, long desired attention from someone, someone who doesn’t know and doesn’t think that I’m disgusting!

Alex:

I should have kept a better eye on Stefan, now the snake has already squirmed his way closer to Jo. And Jo is blushing, smiling and giggling, he’s bloody giggling to this snake. Who is so obviously hitting on him, even though he knows that Jo is mine. Even though he sees the ring on his finger. Anger, jealousy, you could practically see the steam coming from my ears.

I walk closer, my eyes connecting with the eyes of this snake who is trying to … snake its way to my property, put its slimy tongue on the skin of my husband. I glare at him with anger, if looks could kill, if looks could kill…
Stefan smiles seeing the challenge and accepts it. I place my hand on Jo’s shoulder who looks up at me and smiles.
“I was just telling your boyfriend here, that he is welcome to use my pool and my sauna, anytime he wants,” Stefan grins, I send dagger looks his way. Jo looks excited.
“Oh yes, isn’t it great Alex! I can continue swimming!” He looks so happy. For once I see the happiness in his eyes as well, how could I take that away by forbidding him to go? Jealousy burns my soul, I grit my teeth.
“You’re so very kind to my husband, we are both very grateful for your offer. Thank you.” The utter surprise on Stefan’s face pleases me. Take that you snake… He’s mine by law.
 

Chapter 4.

Joonas:

It’s the same club where I met him.
“This is where we first met.” I whisper to Alex as we enter, he smiles at me, kisses me lightly.
“I know.” He says.

I hold his hand, staying close to him, afraid to leave his side. So many people, so many men, they are looking and I suddenly get this very paranoid feeling; they all want to hurt me. Must stay by Alex’s side; my safe harbour.

“Are you sure you’re okay with being here, Jo? Because we can go home if you want?” He asks with worry as we sit down.
“I’m fine, really. Now, all I need is something to drink. Long Island ice tea perhaps.” I smile at him, I need strong alcohol, I need to get drunk.
“I can get one for you Jonas.” Stefan says suddenly, I smile at him, searching for my wallet. “My treat.” He grins at me when I try offering him some money. Alex glares at him.
“I can pay for my husband.” He says, standing up. They look at each other. Stefan smiles.
“Relax Alex, I get one for you too, no need to waste your low money, I know it’s tough. Let me get this round.” Isn’t he nice, I think silently and smile at him, he smiles back and leaves. Alex sits down, appearing to have some difficulties with breathing normally.
“Are you alright honey?” I ask with worry. He smiles a little stiffly.
“I’m perfect.” He says, but doesn’t look like it.


Stefan is really fun to talk to, I can’t help but laugh at his jokes and he’s been really kind in offering us some drinks.
“Do you want to hear a joke about Finnish people?” I ask him.
“Sure, tell me.” He leans closer.
“Okay, two men go to a cabin together, it’s winter right, so they stay in and drink. Friday, they just drink, no words are spoken, Saturday the drinking continues, still no words. Sunday there’s a gig black bird outside. So the other man says; a crow,’ the other shakes his head and says: magpie.’ The first man stands up and goes out, the other soon follows, but when the second man comes back inside he finds that his friend’s stuff is gone and there’s a note on the table that says: Left home, because of the fight’” I grin and he laughs. Alex is really squeezing me; I soon have nail marks on the skin of my hips. He didn’t even laugh at my joke… Oh well, it was a stupid joke anyways...

“Alex,” Someone suddenly calls. I raise my head up and find myself looking at a tall, black haired guy, tanned skin and deep brown eyes. Looks like a foreigner, Italian perhaps. The guy is smiling.
“Damian.” Alex says, sounding surprised. His hand disappears from around me. I look at him with a frown. Alex just stares at this Italian guy. What’s going on?


Alex:

I want to kill that slimy bastard, I want to wipe off that God damned smile from his lips. I squeeze Jo closer, possessively. Glare at Stefan and drink the bloody drinks bought for his slimy money. Why the fuck is Jo laughing? Stefan isn’t that funny… Heike nudges my side, laughing a bit.
“I’m worried that your head will soon blow up.” She snickers.
“Shut up…” I snap at her. I hardly hear anything, Jo is telling him something, but I am too busy hating the mere existence of Stefan to hear what Jo is saying and then Stefan laughs, God he has annoying laugh.

“Alex.” I hear someone calling my name and turn to look. Oh fuck; Damian.
“Damian.” My voice sounds just as surprised as I feel. He looks at me smiling and I quickly draw my hand away from Jo. Damian is my ex. We kind of had this on again off again relationship and I last met him this spring, then he left to Greece in June to see his family.
I’ve kind of forgotten all about him, his returning, forgot to tell him of my current married status when we last spoke on the phone. He might be expecting to start off where we left the last time. Uh…
“May I sit down?” He asks, before I have time to answer Stefan offers him a seat next to him.

“How are you Alex, gods it feels like forever since I last saw you.” His eyes are sparkling.
“Yeah.” I answer dumbly. I feel Jo’s eyes on me and look at him. He wants answers. Damian is looking back between Jo and me, slow realization hitting him.
“I uh, Damian this is Jonas, my…” I swallow. “My husband and um Jonas this is Damian… a friend of mine.” Damian looks like he would have been hit, he quickly pulls his calm composure back and smiles sweetly at Jo…Perhaps a bit too sweetly.
“My, my Jonas. Husband of Alex? I- It’s a pleasure to meet you.” He offers his hand and insecurely Jo takes it. “Your husband is just full of surprises, isn’t he, Jonas?” Damian says looking at me as he speaks. I take a big gulp of my drink. This so isn’t my day. Jo is silent, he tries to smile, but I can see him putting pieces back together in his head.

Well, isn’t this uncomfortable?

“Alex, I’d like to speak with you in private if that’s alright with you, Jonas?” He asks politely. Jo nods his head and stands up letting me up.
“I’ll be right back sweetheart.” I whisper to him and give him a kiss on the cheek.

I follow Damian as he walks to a more secluded corner of the club. Finally he turns around to face me.
“What the fuck is this Alex? Married?!” He doesn’t look that calm anymore. “When were you going to tell me?”
“We broke up Dami, remember?”
“Yeah but… You knew I was coming back.” He says.
“What can I say Dami? I fell in love. You and I, all we did was fight and you know… I-,”
He looks at me not quite believing what I’m telling him.
“In love?” He asks, words that were never spoken between us. “This is crazy Alex, how long have you known him?”
“We met in early July.” I tell him, his mouth hangs open.
“My God, Alex? What has that blond given to you? Married? I- I can’t believe this… You used to say that you-… Remember the nights we shared, you loved it, you loved sex with me! Are you really going to tell me that what he gives you is better?”
I think back the times between Damien and I, and then the nights in July with Joonas. A brief smile passes my lips.
“Yes.” I tell him quietly, look up to him. “I’m sorry Dami, but yes and it’s more than sex, that’s what makes it better. Whether you want to believe it or not, I’m in love with him, I wouldn't have married him if I weren’t.” He looks defeated, looks away, his breathing is tense, a frown upon his features. Then his eyes meet mine once more.
“If you are happy Alex…” He says then.
“I am.”
“Then, I understand. I hope we can at least be friends.”
“Of course we can Dami.”
“Damian, please, call me Damian.” He asks. Understanding the reason for his request I smile faintly and nod my head.
“Damian.”


**^^**^^**^^**^^**

Joonas:

This dark guy, he is more than friend, isn’t he? Or he has been, it’s for sure, the way he looks at Alex and well, the way he looks at me; like a worm that needs to be squeezed. And suddenly I feel really insecure, I look at this guy; so different looking than I am. I feel so white… so… What if Alex prefers this dark type, what if is now silently cursing the fact that he is stuck with my blondness when he could have this sexy Italian? He’s not sexy. I think then, glaring at this guy again, noticing that I get a glare back: the game is on.

Then he asks Alex to talk with him in private, asking overly sweetly if it’s okay with me. I nod my head, I don’t want to be seen as this bitching needy and overly jealous person.

I let him go. Falling back on my seat, misery sweeping over me as Alex leaves with him. Stefan gets me another drink and I gloomly drink it down. Heike and her friends are talking, I don’t understand a word.
“Hey handsome, why such a gloomy face?” Stefan asks, leaning closer again.
“I’m not gloomy.” I look at him and try to smile.
“I’m not buying it, your pretty eyes tell the truth.” I look down at my hands, then back at him. He nods towards the direction that Alex and the guy took. “Damian and Alex used to date, pretty heated relationship if I understood it right. Damian spent six months in Greece, they split up because of the distance and then Alex met you, I guess. Perhaps Alex just forgot to tell him.”
“Oh?” Okay I’m not feeling any better, I feel worse if possible.
“I’m sure there’s nothing for you to worry about, though. After all Alex married you, didn’t he?” Stefan smiles, I look at him and smile back more brightly. Stefan says just the right things.

Finally Alex returns with Damian, they sit down. From the look of Damian’s eyes I can see he’s challenging me. Calculating his chances against me. I hate him already.


I drink more, Stefan is so nice to me, getting me another drink every time my glass gets empty. My confidence is rising with each drink I take. I’ll show this bloody Greek guy, Alex is my husband dammit, I can be sexy, I can be just as hot. So in my drunken state I start kissing Alex neck, forgetting all the audience around us. I place my hand on his thigh and start massaging it. I’m horny, I want Alex’s attention. I want him to want me like he did before. I feel his muscles tense, I lick behind his ear. Move my hand up, up and up until it meets with the hardness in his pants, I hum happily, gleefully almost. Rubbing him shamelessly. He looks at me in complete shock, his cheeks red, he squirms a little, trying to hide from others what is happening under the table. Then I move to sit on his lap.

Damien is looking at me like he would want to kill me. Now normally this would scare the shit out of me, but now I’m just too drunk to care and I simply smile back at him, while moving my butt on Alex lap, feeling him; so hard. His hot breathing on my neck, he bites back a moan. Slowly his trembling hands lie on my thighs. I feel his forehead against the back of my head. The conversation with Damien is over. I smile with victory.

I hear Heike saying something, giggling slightly, words here and there, but my head is much too fuzzy to catch up with it. I’m in my own little Alex world, where the sun is shining and birds are singing because he is hard for me!
“Take me home and fuck me like you did in summer.” I whisper into his ear with a husky voice.

Alex is up instantly with me.
“Uh, um… sorry guys… we’re quite tired, gonna get home…” he mutters to his friends
“Tired… right…” Heike laughs as we hurry to get our coats. I’m so happy, so happy and so drunk! I’m going to get some! I could almost sing. Don’t have time to sing though, Alex is in a hurry, dragging me with him.




Oh man, what has gotten into him? He’s suddenly like all over me, the taxi driver has a hard time staying on the road, because he is so shocked about our um… animal groaning on the back seat. We get in the elevator, my back against the wall, his hungry lips on my own, his hand squeezing my ass, he moans. When we hit our floor he lifts me up and carries me in, keys hitting the floor, towards the bedroom. I hardly have time to remove my shoes before my back hits the bed. Then he’s on top of me again.

Where was this wild animal hiding? He opens my jeans and pushes his hand inside my boxers, massaging my cock and my balls, sucking on my neck. I’m panting under him, not knowing what to do whit myself. He’s so intense. He pulls my shirt up, I help him to remove it by lifting my arms. His lips find my nipples, sucking, biting. I squirm a little, wanting him to free my cock from the tight boxers. He does this, leaving me naked, he still has his clothes… unfair… I urge him to take off his shirt and he does.

“I want you so bad…” He whispers. A click of his belt, he kisses me. Somehow he’s gotten the lube and is now moving his fingers inside me, I gasp from surprise, he works fast. “I can’t wait baby.” He whispers then. He parts my legs up more, the tip of his erected cock on my lubed hole and he thrusts in. I whimper from the pain of this first thrust. He kisses me long and deep and the pain slowly eases. I feel like crying, finally, finally he gives me what I’ve waited for.

It’s a fast and fierce love making, but he is there, close, deep inside me, kissing me and it feels right. My husband, my lover, my world. My arms around him, nails digging on his flesh as I want him even closer, as close as I can have him. Wrapping my legs, urging him deeper and deeper and he fucks me, makes love to me, inside me. The pain becoming pleasure I craved for and I’m happy, so happy that I can’t help the tears away from my eyes.

He groans in pleasure, gods, it’s the sweetest sound in the whole world! A couple more deep thrusts before he fills me with his seed. Lying down on top of me, his body relaxing, he’s sweating, catching his breathing. I lower my legs down, holding him. I’m crying quietly, feeling so much at the same time. He looks at me, worried.

“Oh my God baby, I’m so sorry…” He says and sits up, looking scared, horrified even. His gaze moves on my body, then my face. He pulls his pants back up. “Baby I’m so sorry, please don’t cry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean. I. Oh my God. It’s okay sweetheart. I won’t do it again, I won’t. I promise.”

I look at him in shock. What?!

Alex:

I’m so drunk. I can’t watch that snake hitting on Jo without drinking and sit at the same table with my ex and Jo. What a fucked up situation this is. Suddenly Jo moves closer to me, he starts kissing my neck, his hand moves on my thigh. Oh God… What is he doing? I lick my lips nervously, try to fight back a moan. My cock stands up happily, ridiculous I tell you! And then he does it; starts massaging it. ‘Stay in control, stay in control I try desperately to tell myself. I look at him in shock, feel my skin getting hot, Jo smiles at me, and then kisses me full on the lips, moving himself on my lap. Oh… I can’t… can’t resist…. My hands tremble as I place them on his thighs, only dimly realising the scene that we are making. Stefan is watching; the bloody snake, probably wishing he was in my place…

“Take me home and fuck me like you did in summer.” Okay that’s it, must have, the last bit of control goes out of the window as I stand up with him, dragging my husband with me and muttering brief goodbye’s to everyone.

I haven’t had sex since July and I’m starving for it, kissing him with hungry lips in the taxi, don’t care about what the driver feels. I’m in pain, I can’t wait to get my dick inside his warmness, I have wanted it for so long, dreamed of it for so long.

Finally I reach the bedroom, lay him down on the bed, open the offending jeans and push my hand inside. Oh good, he’s hard too, I could practically cum right there and then, feeling like a horny teenager. I move his shirt up, move it then completely after he helps by moving his hands up. He’s so hot, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything as beautiful as him, I lick his nipples, bite them gently. Free him from the rest of his clothes, I take off my shirt, urged by him.

“I want you so bad…” I whisper as I open up my belt and my pants freeing my aching member. I get the lube, oiling my hand and pushing fingers inside his hole, gods he’s tight. I want him so bad, I can’t wait a second longer. I open up my pants more, part his legs wider. I thrust in, can’t help but moan, it feels just as good as I remembered. I move inside him. It feels so bloody good I can’t believe it. So warm, so tight, I kiss him deeply hungrily until I have to give up completely to the animal lust and just fuck him like there is no tomorrow. The wave of orgasm moves through my body starting with the tingling in my toes and I fill him. Groaning with pleasure. My relaxed body lays down on top him. I catch my breathing, slowly calming down.

Then I hear it; his tears… I look at him, see that he’s crying.
“Oh my God baby, I’m so sorry…” I look at his body; the love bites on his chest and neck, my sperm tripping down on his thighs, his tear stained face. How could I be this stupid! He wasn’t ready, dammit he wasn’t ready. I pull my pants back up, feeling like such an arse.
“Baby I’m so sorry, please don’t cry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean. I. Oh my God. It’s okay sweetheart. I won’t do it again, I won’t. I promise.” I tell him, my hands trembling as I finally reach down to wipe his tears away, “Please don’t cry.” How could I lose the control!? Always keep the control! Shit… I fucked this up so bad, didn’t I? How can I ever make this up to him??
 

Chapter 5.

I look at Alex, my eyes growing wide as he drowns me with apologised and promises of not doing it again. What? So he’s not going to fuck me ever again?
“Please don’t cry.” He asks.

”Good god man, calm down will you.” I say then with strength in my voice. He looks at me with surprise and stops his pacing. “Now, take off your pants and come back to bed! Or if you do so find me disgusting then say so!” I try to calm down my breathing and I wipe the tears from my eyes.
“Disgusting? Jo, you…You’re anything but disgusting.” He says, I glance at him with my bottom lip trembling. He hurries to take his pants off and climbs back onto the bed with me. “I thought that I hurt you.” He whispers and touches my face carefully. I shake my head and curse myself as I’m crying again.
“I was so happy Alex…” I tell him and gently he draws me closer to himself, I snuggle my head closer to the warmth of his neck. “I thought you… I thought you found me so repulsing that you didn’t want to make love to me and that’s why you always ran away from me… And tonight we finally did it and I was so happy that it made me cry the way I did, I had waited for it for so long and…” I mutter, the alcohol gives me the courage to finally voice my thoughts. “You always ran away.”

“Oh Jo… oh my darling Jo…we’ve been idiots, haven’t we?” He asks then. I look up at him with question in my eyes. He gently wipes the tears from under my eyes. “The reason I ran was because I thought you weren’t ready and I’ve been in serious pain because of how badly I wanted you. Didn’t you ever wonder why I was showering so many times per day?” He asks.
“I-, I thought you just liked to keep yourself clean.” I tell him and with the grin that rises on his lips I suddenly realise the true reason of these multiple showers.
“O-oh?” Alex nods his head and then we both chuckle at our own stupidity. He holds me, kisses me and slowly we lie back down on the bed.
“Ich liebe dich.” He whispers as he kisses my forehead, I smile, feeling his naked body close to my own. I look into his eyes; so warm, brown. He has such pretty eyes.
“Rakastan sua.” I whisper back, kissing his lips softly. I feel safe again, happy again. He wraps the blanket around us both, his arm around my waist.

Safe and warm, my eyes fall shut, I allow myself the restful sleep that I’ve needed for so long.


Morning light wakes me, Alex lies behind me, spooning close and I feel his morning hard on against my butt cheeks. His left arm around me, I take his hand in mine, smiling at the two golden rings that are glimmering on our fingers. ‘My husband’. I think happily as I move my butt against his hardness; the hot flesh that is throbbing and needing just as badly as my own. I hear as he takes a deep breath and groans, starting to answer to my more or less subtle movements.

He slowly draws his hand from my hold to move it across my stomach and closer to my needy organ. When his strong hand wraps itself around my member, I gasp. Slowly I turn my head and reach his lips with my own. His hand starts moving, I moan into his mouth. He moves his cock against my butt and I feel that I need it; I need him to fill me with it. I do not want to break the kiss so instead I just start rubbing myself better against the thing that I so badly need. Taking the hint, the hand releases my cock to travel to my backside, he massages my still lubed hole with his finger, slowly pushes it in and feels me. There’s that delicious groan again, his finger pulls out and something much bigger moves to take its place. He’s very gentle, first just teasing my opening with the head of his cock, not pushing in yet, driving me crazy with anticipation.

Just a few months back I could have never imagined to be able to want someone’s cock inside me this badly.

After a while he finally uses some force to get the head in and then more easily he thrust his entire length in, there’s a brief passing pain, he kisses me to make it better, my body slowly adjusts. His hand comes back to massage my cock. I’m in heaven. Our love making is much slower now than it had been the night before. He pulls out and lifts me up on his lap, slowly rocking me, kissing me. It feels so good that I could die. He lays me down on my back, our fingers linking. So sweet and soft, pleasure is all that I feel.


His forehead rests against my own and we hold each other’s gaze, so close, so close, he smiles, I smile back, a kiss. And slowly we rock each other into climax. Sweaty, relaxed, he lies on top of me. Sleep claims us both once more.

**^^**^^**^^**^^**

“Where did this scar come from?” Alex asks as he touches a small scar on my right temple quite near my eye. We’re still lying on the bed together.
“Well, I was four years old I think, mother made buns and I was mothers little helper.” I grin at this. “So there I was with my blue little apron, sitting in front of the kitchen table and helping her to roll the bun batter and there was this long bench that I was sitting on and as I kept rolling, my little bum moved happily with me and before I knew the bench ended and I fell, hitting my head in the corner of the radiator.” I laugh and he laughs with me. “It’s funny now, but not then, I remember the pain, there was this small but deep hole right there, and I screamed my lungs out.”
“Oh poor baby.” He brushes my hair from my face.

“I’m lucky to still have my eye.”
“And what a pretty eye it is, both of them.” Alex smiles. “I bet you looked cute with that apron, I might just have to buy you one.” I nudge his arm playfully.
“Oh you think I’m going to bake for you?”
“Yes.” He smiles and kisses me briefly.
“Well, darn… Well okay, but only if you get me that apron; with Donald Duck on it and I want Donalt to have a cooking hat on.”
“Alright, done.”

His hands travel down my body, I feel his touch on my upper arm, on the cigarette burn that Tom gave me. I tense slightly, he notices and then kisses it gently.
“I’ll kiss it better.” He whispers, moves back up and kisses my lips.

“My grandpa used to spank me, when I was little.” He whispers then as I move my fingers on his spine.
“Really?” He only nods, his head resting on my chest his eyes close.
“I hated him. I still hate him, everything he is and was… And I hate the fact that I am related to him.” He confesses.
“Why? Did he spank you often?”
“Yes, I never managed to please him, no one could or can, he’s an evil man, he treated grandma horribly, but she was far too blind for it, she didn’t know any better. He abused her, I woke up some nights, hearing her cry, hearing her scream. I was too young and he scared the shit out of me… He’s very old now and she’s dead.”
“I’m sorry Alex.”
“He was one of those … you know?… he still believes in it and it makes me sick and I- I hope he goes to hell when he dies.” I stay quiet for awhile.
“Nazi?” I ask carefully, and feel as he nods his head.

“My fathers father was a crazy drunk and my great grandma was a swamp croft slut.” I tell him after a long moment of silence, deciding to lighten up the mood.
“She was a what?” he looks up to me with a chuckle.
“A swamp croft slut,” I repeat and grin at him.
“I’m almost too afraid to ask.” Alex says still looking at me with curiosity and I can’t help but to laugh.
“She liked to share her goods, and she lived at a swamp croft. She was a town’s gossip really. My great grandpa, blindly in love with her, didn’t believe the rumours, she was an angel to him. Of to the war he went and it left her horny I guess. So apparently she just, well… Enjoyed her time with some *cough* visitors… Let’s just say I don’t believe that she could fight the enemy with just a pocket knife, like she told her children, I think it was a whole another story there.”

He smiles and holds me tighter against himself.
“I do love you.” He whispers.
“And I you, my husband.”

“Alright, up we go and wash up-“ he says then, gathers me in his arms and carries me towards the bathroom as I giggle in his arms.

**^^**^^**^^**

Later Alex goes to the stores, to buy me that apron he said, and to rent some movies for us to watch. I waltz in the apartment happily, overjoyed and in love. Things are finally brightening up and I feel all giddy, I finally feel like we truly are married, and I feel like my whole being could just burst out from the happiness that I feel. Alex is the greatest lover alive, he’s the most handsome man on this planet and he’s my husband and my hero.

I get a call from Stefan, even he notices how bright and cheerful my voice sounds, he invites me over on Monday, offering to pick me after he gets home from school; we live on his way he says. Monday is one of Alex’s long days so I agree and after the call I’m even happier, if it is even possible; getting the chance to go swimming and to sauna! And I have a new friend here in Germany; oh joy! Maybe the world isn’t such a bad place after all?

Alex returns home, we cook together, he even bought an apron to himself, too. Kissing in the kitchen as we cook, messing around with the food, playing, laughing, we make love again and then we eat, we watch movies and end up making love right there on the couch. He is gentle and caring, everything I need. We cuddle and we talk, long conversations, learning more about each other. We needed this, we both needed this. I feel closer to him than ever before and I would not wish the day to end. I don’t want this feeling to ever end, I want to be his always, just like we promised to each other.
 

Chapter 6.

Joonas:


“Are you ready?” Stefan asks with a smile as I open the door for him.
“In a minute, please come in.” I hold the door open and he steps in. I hurry to the bedroom to get my backpack, checking that I have everything; a towel, my swimming trunks, shampoo, hair conditioner, deodorant… Hm… I guess that’s everything. Oh and clean underwear! I turn to leave, jumping in fright as I find him standing at the doorway watching me. I giggle slightly at my own stupidity.

“I am scared too easily.” I tell him smiling, he smiles back.
“You just spend too much time alone.” He says, “But that will change… Now, let’s get going?”
“Yes,” He lets me past him and waits patiently as I put my coat and shoes on in the hall. I’m ready to leave.

His car looks brand new, dark blue paint, a sports car, shining in the darkness of the street. Stefan opens the passenger door for me. I blush slightly at this rare, gentleman like gesture, glad that it’s so dark that he might not see it.

Alex didn’t seem so happy when I told him yesterday that I would go to Stefan’s place. I’m not sure why that is, or perhaps I just imagined it because he did tell me that it was okay in the end.

The house is huge! I stare at it in awe, following Stefan, looking around; the garden must be breathtaking in summer. He opens the door for me and lets me enter first.
“Don’t bother taking your shoes off.” He tells me, smiling at my wonder.
“It’s beautiful here.” I breathe out.
“Thank you… I can give you a tour if you like?”
“Yes, I’d like that very much.”

I never realised that he would be this rich. I’m actually lost for words, I mean I knew that he would be rich; average people just don’t have pool’s in their house, but this? I never expected this. Their living room is almost three times as big as the living room in my parents’ house, long, wall length windows overlooking the back yard garden. Every thing looks so expensive that I am afraid to touch anything.
“Where are your parents?” I ask then.
“Business trip, they travel a lot, part of the reason that I’m not in a hurry to leave here.”
“I can understand that, if my parents had a house like this I think I would have stayed there, too.” He smiles at this.

“My room is upstairs.” He tells me then and leads me to the hall where their staircase is. He stands there smiling, gesturing for me to go first. I look at him, smiling back insecurely. I start climbing up, Stefan right behind me.
“Turn left, the last door at the end of the corridor.” I open the door, he turns the light on. It’s quite a large bedroom; a king sized bed, expensive stereos, computer with web cam and all the latest equipment.
“There’s my bathroom,” He points at the door to the left and then moves to open it; even the bathroom is big, he has large bathtub there, the coloring is baby blue, there are some plants and a window with a non see through glass.
“You truly have a lovely house, well mansion is more fitting for it really.” I tell him, as I move in the room, curiosity filling me, there’s so much stuff to see.

“Well, the pool is in the basement, shall we go?” He asks once I’ve gotten close to his computer. Maybe he doesn’t want me to touch it, fearing that I’d break it? I smile at him and nod my head.


“It will take half an hour to heat the sauna, would you like to swim first or wait for it?” He asks, I hardly hear him as I am too busy admiring the pool room; the wooden walls, dim lights, plants, decoration. The pool has little lights on the side as well. “Jonas?”
“Oh, sorry, I-, I could swim while waiting.” I turn to look at him.
“Well then, the changing room and the sauna is over here,”

He goes to turn the heating on in the sauna room, leaving me alone for a second. I undress my shirt, taking my swim trunks from my bag. Suddenly I have a feeling that someone is watching and turn around.
“Did I scare you again?” Stefan ask grinning at me,
“Yeah, a little, I know it’s silly…” I bit my lower lip, wrapping my arms around my naked upper body. I feel silly doing it, after all he would see me in my swimming trunks anyway. Realising this I let my arms fall back and start unpacking my things. He’s still standing there and I don’t feel comfortable undressing completely in front of him, I’m only just learning to be naked in front of Alex and not be ashamed of it. I arrange my things carefully on the bench, trying to stall the changing of clothes.
“I’ll be right back, Jonas, I’m going to get something to drink, would you like something? Coke perhaps?”
“Yes please.” I can’t hide the relief from my voice, he smiles, nods his head and leaves. I wait a moment, just to make sure that he’s far enough and it’s safe to undress myself naked. I do it as fast as I can, quickly pulling my swim trunks on and congratulating myself for being so fast.

I take my towel, wrap it around myself as I walk back into the pool room, it’s strangely quiet and it feels odd, spooky somehow. I guess it’s just because I don’t feel comfortable being half naked like this in a strange place. How can I be this silly? It should be natural for me, natural being in another male’s presence in little clothes, but it’s not… I finally decide to loose my towel and I sit down on the edge of the pool, dipping my legs in.

I decide to jump in, dive under the surface, loving the feel of water around me. I had never realised how much I really missed this until now. Under the water I feel free, I forget the reality for a moment, there’s only water and me. I return to the surface to get some air, turn on my back and float, my eyes closed, listening to calming sound of water and the sound that the slow movements of my body make in it.

When I was young, a child, I imagined that I had been a dolphin in my former life. I wrote an essay of it once in Finnish class, firmly believing in it. I thought it was the best thing that I had ever written, part of me still thinks so, unfortunately my Finnish/ religion teacher didn’t agree with me. She asked me to stay after class and preached to me about Bible and God, she said that there was no such thing as former life. To be honest, I’ve never really believed in God, the one that we are taught to believe. I believe in something, some greater power, but I don’t know, I guess I more believe in past life. The idea that I’ve once been a dolphin is fun and I like to believe in it, so what if I’m wrong? It’s my belief and I keep it. One thing is for sure, that old teacher of mine, she tried her very best to ruin child's believes, their imagination.

I turn back, dive and swim to the end of the pool, turn and swim to the other end. Only then do I look back up to see Stefan, he is looking at me with a smile, holding two glasses with coke.
“You seem to be lost in your own little world when you swim.” He says. I wipe the water from my face, smile back.
“I must admit that I often am, I was now. I imagined being a dolphin.” I grin at him, swim closer to the edge and take the drink that he offers to me.
“A dolphin?”
“Yes, I know; I’m 20 and sometimes I’m quite childish.” I chuckle.
“Sometimes it’s good, being little childlike I mean, people lose that childlike way too easily now days.”
He says, sitting down, looking at me with curious smile. “It only makes you more interesting.”
I blush a little and look down.
“Aren’t you going to swim?” I ask then, meeting with his eyes again.
“No, not today, feeling a bit cold. So I’ll just stay here watching and keeping company to you; so just go ahead and enjoy yourself,”

I nod my head with a smile, place the now empty glass on the edge of the pool and continue my swim, I have to get used to of a little audience so I might as well start with Stefan.


**^^**^^**^^**^^**

“So did the dolphin enjoy himself?” Stefan grins friendly, handing me my towel as I step up from the pool.
“Yes, the dolphin enjoyed it very much thank you.” I grin back, drying myself up, trembling from cold.
“The sauna should be ready by now.” Stefan says then, “You should go before you catch cold. I’ll be joining you soon.”
“Oh o-okay.”

I hug my knees to my chest enjoying the warmth, the moist hotness of the sauna. I missed this, truly did. The door opens, Stefan steps in wearing his swim trunks, he has broad chest with some dark chest hair, he looks like he would work out a lot. I quickly turn my eyes away from him. He sits down next to me.
“So, how was your weekend? At least you sounded happy when I called you on Saturday.”
“Our weekend was perfect.” I answer with a smile, thinking of Alex.
“Things are going well with Alex and you it seems.” He says then.
“They are now… We had a bit of a communicating problem, but it is fixed now.”
“That’s good.”

“Um, so how about you, are you not seeing anyone?” I ask after a moment of silence.
“No, I guess I’m quite picky that way and that’s why I’m alone. All the good ones are either straight or taken.” He looks at me with a half smile. I blush, but luckily it won’t show since the heat makes my skin flushed anyway.
“I’m sure there are still plenty of good guys out there.”
“Maybe…” He smiles and throws some more water on sauna oven. Water steam rises and brings the heat up, I drop my head down a little breathing through my mouth.
“Too hot for you?” He asks. I shake my head.
“Hey, I was practically born in sauna, don’t you German guy come jumping on my nose.” I turn my head and grin. He grins back.
“More then?”
“Bring it on.” I challenge and so he throws more water. My skin is hot and I know I’m red all over, I keep breathing through my mouth because it’s just easier.

Finally the hotness wears me out, I want to go to the shower and realise that I will have to walk right past Stefan to do that, so close that my body will almost touch his. But I have to get over this shyness that I feel about my body, this fear that something bad might happen. Stefan is my friend and I have to trust him if I want to keep building this beginning of a friendship.
“I think you won this time after all.” I smile at him, standing up. “I’m going to shower.”
“Take your time, just tell me when you’re ready.” He smiles back.

Once in the shower, I finally undress myself completely, the shower curtain will protect me from being seen. I wash my hair, then use my hair conditioner and wash my body carefully. I smile as I think of Alex and the weekend we just shared. I miss him already, can’t wait to snuggle with him in bed. I love him, I never knew that such a great guy could even exist.

Once I get out of the shower I tell Stefan that the shower is free like he asked me to. I walk into the changing room and dress my clothes back on, drying my hair as dry as I can with the towel. I think I could cut my hair a bit shorter, now it’s long enough to keep it in ponytail. Yes, I think I want a bit shorter hair.

**^^**^^**^^**

Alex:

I’m surprised to find the apartment empty and quiet when I get in.
“Jo?” I call, but there’s no answer, so he must not be home yet. I take my coat off and place it in the hanger, I turn on some lights; it’s 9.44 pm. I though he’d be home by now, I don’t like him being with that snake this long. I try calling him but there’s now answer, I try again, but still no luck. I’m really starting to worry, what if he’s been in some accident?
Sick feeling in the bottom of my stomach, I feel restless, nervous. I keep trying to call him. My mind starts feeding me all the worst case scenarios. I try Stefan’s phone next, but he isn’t answering either. Okay, something is wrong.

I knew I shouldn’t have trusted that snake, what if…What if he’s.. Oh God I hope not.. Stefan has an eye for him, I know that he does, I’ve seen that look in his eyes and… Why the fuck did I let Jo go there?

“Please answer, please, please answer…” I keep repeating, but nothing. Could I call the cops? I guess it’s too early for that. Dammit, should I drive over there? And what if.. what if they’re on their way here now? I stand up, go out in the balcony and light a cigarette, I hate not knowing what’s going on over there, not knowing where is he and is he okay or not.

Please answer me, love.



**^^**^^**^^**
Joonas:

Stefan offers me some snack in the kitchen and I get a chance to chat with him more. It turns out that he’s an only child, he is promised a job in his father’s company when he graduates and he’s known Alex since high school.

“What time is it?” I ask then, having lost the track of time completely, I take a look at my watch and see that it’s 10.15pm already . Oh my God! I should be home already!

“I need to get home, where’s my phone? Alex must be so worried!”
I almost ran to the hall where my coat is; and my cell, how could I lose the track of time like this? My fear was justified; Alex has tried to call me several times, I call him back and it does not take him long to answer.
“Honey I’m so sorry, so sorry, I totally lost the track of time, I didn’t have my phone, I’ll be coming home soon, okay? I’m so sorry.”
“I was worried Jo, really worried.”
“I know and I’m sorry” I almost cry, I don’t know why I’m this upset, I guess I still fear of losing him, of not really deserving him.
“Well, the important thing is that you’re okay, just come home, I miss you.”
“I miss you too, see you soon.”

Stefan comes to the hall after I’ve finished the call.
“Come, I’ll drive you home, I hope Alex wasn’t too upset; I lost the track of time as well, it was so nice talking to you.” He smiles.
“Thank you, he’s okay, I think he understands. I had nice time today, I’m glad you invited me.”
“Anytime Jonas, you know; you can leave your swimming stuff here and if you like, if you have nothing better to do; I could pick you up again on Wednesday?”
“It’s very kind of you, and I wold be more than happy, Alex is working late on Wednesday as well.”
I tell him as I dress my coat on.
“It’s settled then.” He smiles warmly.

We walk out to his car, again he opens the door for me.
“I really hope that this is not too much trouble to you?” I ask when he’s starting his car.
“Not at all, to be honest I’m really happy that you came, I wouldn’t have invited you if I wouldn’t want you here Jonas. I only invite people I like.” Again I blush a little.

“Look Jonas, I know Alex doesn’t like me that much, I know he doesn’t trust me with you.” Stefan says as he parks the car in front of the apartment building.
“I-, he, Why wouldn’t Alex like you?” I ask in confusion. He smiles slightly.
“Well, just a feeling I get from him and especially now that you and I are spending time together, well I know he doesn’t like it. Just like I said; he doesn’t trust me with you… I can’t really blame him though, you’re a very good looking guy Jonas, but you’re taken, married and I respect that, just tell your husband that, alright?”
“Of course Stefan, you and I are just friends, Alex will understand I’m sure and… You’re his friend too, right?”
“Right, if only Alex would accept my friendship truly.”
“Oh he will, he has, I’m sure.” I smile at him and open the car door.
“See you at Wednesday Jonas, same time?”
“Yes, see you then, bye and once again thank you.”


**^^**^^**^^**^^

Alex

Finally he’s home, I walk into the hall to meet him, he reaches out to kiss my cheek.
“I’m really sorry Alex, next time I’ll pay more attention to the time and be home early.” He tells me.
“So there’s going to be a next time?” I ask as he takes of his coat.
“Yes, he’ll pick me up on Wednesday.” He smiles and kicks off his shoes.
“So you had fun?”
“I did yes, his house is huge, have you ever been there?” He sounds so excited.
“Once or twice, when he’s had a party there.” I tell him, he walks into the bathroom and I follow. He takes out his toothbrush, squeezes some toothpaste on it and starts brushing.

“Was Stefan okay? I mean, he didn’t…um… try anything?” I ask carefully. He looks at me in surprise, then spits in the sink and washes his mouth.
“No, he’s not like that, we’re friends… You know, he guessed that you’d think that.” He points at me with the toothbrush, grinning. “He was worried that you didn’t like him, that you didn’t trust him and he told me to say to you that he wants nothing more than friendship with me.”

I grit my teeth, of course the bloody snake would say that. I watch as Jo finishes brushing his teeth.

“Alex, do you really not like him? Stefan, I mean?” Jo asks as we’re getting ready for bed. I glance at him, slowly undressing myself.
“Well.. there’s something in him that… I-“ He looks at me waiting and sits down on the bed. “I don’t trust him, that’s it.”
“I don’t understand? Why do you not trust him?” He slips under the cover, big blue eyes watching me in such an innocent way: what can I tell him? I sigh deeply. “He’s really nice Alex, he was really kind to me, I think he’s a bit lonely and… And you should give him a benefit of doubt.”

‘He’s a snake Jo,’ I would like to tell him. ‘Snake that has his sight on you, I’m certain of that, it is not your friendship that he’s after.’ But I remain silent and sit down moving under the cover with him, pulling him close. I kiss his forehead, knowing that I soon have to answer something to him. Stefan has gotten Jo to like him, he’s gotten his sympathy, if I tell him not to hang out with him now then I’m the jealous bad guy.
“If you ask me Jo, I promise to try better, promise to get to know him better.” He kisses me and snuggles closer.
“I am asking, he’s a good guy, you’ll see.” He whispers, turns of the night lamp and snuggles close again. I said I promised to try but it doesn’t mean that I would still like that snake, or trust him, but I promised to try.

Chapter 7.

Stefan:


When I want something, I get it; the story of my life and that is the way it should be. There has only been one time when what I wanted, what I thought I had, was taken right from under my nose.

Alex; oh how much I hate you.

It started in High school, it started with Carl. Wonderful, beautiful, sexy Carl. I think he was my first… love? Well at least I wanted him, I wanted Carl Seicher, the gorgeous grey eyed blond, who was everyone's favorite and plus he was gay too and no one seemed to mind too much.

I was friends with Carl, on my way to get him in my bed, but then; along came Alex.

I still remember the day when I saw the two of them together; kissing behind the sport equipment storeroom and later showing off their relationship more openly, Carl’s eyes glimmering with joy whenever Alex was around.

I hated him, I hated everything about Alex, the perfect Alex. But as they say: keep your friends close and enemies even closer.

So I acted all cool, acted like I was happy for them and inside I was screaming bloody murder. In the end Carl moved away with his family to a whole another city, after Alex and his relationship had already lost the excitement. Though I’ve gotten over Carl, I’ve never forgot my anger, I’ve never forgotten the fact that Alex took what I wanted; intentionally or not.

Alex tolerates me, he doesn’t like me, he doesn’t trust me, I know, but he is far too kind for his own good. Far too good to voice his suspicion for which he has no proof. And now he has this gorgeous husband of his; Jonas. You know what Alex? Pay back is a bitch. It’s really two birds with one stone.

Alex and I really do seem to have the same taste in men.

I want to impress him, I want him to like me, I want to bed him, make him fall in love with me and break Alex’s heart… I want to make him scream, I want to hurt him.

I watch as his eyes shine from wonder as I move with him in the house. One day I will have all of this and more. I have money and guys like him… I know he’s impressed, I’m almost sure that he can be bought. Alex and him are just barely making it by. I have more to offer, far more offer than Alex ever can.

I lead him to my room, letting him go before me; just that I can get a better look of that sweet ass of his. He walks into the room, looking around, his gaze settles on the large bed and then moves away.

I show him the bathroom, he looks in; very impressed. I smile with satisfaction.
Then he looks at the other stuff; my computer, my precious computer; if my parents only knew of all the stuff I have in it, of all the porn… But they respect my privacy, they have always respected that. He walks closer to the computer and only then I remember that I have some porn DVDs that I borrowed from one my friends, quite close to it and if he should see them… Well some of the stuff might get him a bit freaked out. So…
“Well, the pool is in the basement, shall we go?” He turns to me, smiles and nods his head.


When I return from heating the sauna I see him there without his shirt on. He has beautiful back, fair skin, so smooth and flawless. I wonder how easily it could be bruised? My cock starts showing signs of waking… He hesitates to undress himself in front of me, I see it clearly. I decide to leave him to get something to drink, smiling as I walk away. There are hidden cameras; I’ll see everything later, Jonas; everything.

I return to watch him swim, wanting to see better that sexy body of his, the body that all that swimming has sculpted into near perfection. Yes I can see why Alex married him and it must be because of the sex. I’ve come obsessed with that thought.

I play the role of a perfect gentleman; lure the little fly in, make the little fly trust you. Spider must be patient. He is cute somehow, seeming so innocent and yet I know that he’s not, they never are. I smile at him, watching him; so oblivious to my lust for him, come closer little fly I won’t bite… yet.

Finally I drive him back home; must be patient. I decide to talk to him about Alex, pretend to be hurt by the fact that his husband isn’t really wanting to give a proper chance to be his friend. He falls for it.

When I get back home, I pour myself a glass of wine and decide to watch the tapes I now have of him. Finally I get to see him naked and the more I want to see him that way for real. Why are you so shy my little fly? I wonder. Then I watch the part where he’s showering and smile at the sight; he truly is exquisite. Oh Alex I am going to hit you where it hurts the most and I’m surely going to enjoy it. The little hubby of yours will soon be pure wax in my hands and I’ll get him into my bed; I am certain.

My plan is clever one, it can’t fail.

**^^**^^**^^**
Joonas:

With Alex I’ve found a whole new world in pleasure; he truly is the best lover and the greatest teacher. Before him, anal sex hadn't been an interest to me, but with him I am a willing bottom and with him I’ve found pleasure that is out of this world. The ones that took me without asking, without listening when I tried telling no, when I cried in agony; they can never learn this, they can never understand or have this pleasure. Love makes it better, mutual trust makes it easier to let go. Slowly and everyday we are learning from each other and from each other’s bodies; where to touch where to kiss, or how to touch or how to kiss, what are the sounds that the other makes, following them and finding more. Listening, taking time. I hunger, every day I am getting more aggressive taking the step to encourage him, to ask him, taking him in, slowly letting go for him, for my husband.


**^^**^^**

“How was your day?” I ask when he gets home from one of those long days of his. He yawns in the hall taking his coat of.
“Exhausting.” He tells me and tries to smile. I take his hand, lead him into the living room, sit him down on the couch in front of the TV.
“Stay.” I smile at him in a secretive way when I walk into the kitchen. I return with some sandwiches and a glass of milk. I place the tray on his lap and sit down on the floor in front of him, turn the TV on and then remove his shoes and socks.
“What are you doing?” he asks swallowing a piece of sandwich down and looking as I rub some body lotion on his feet's.


“I’m giving you a feet massage, what does it look like I’m doing?” I grin at him. “Just sit back, eat, watch TV and enjoy.” I know it’s his favorite TV show; show about some crime solving detective.
“Oh, wow that feels so good…” He breathes out, lays his head back and closes his eyes.
“One could think that no one’s ever rubbed your feet before.” I chuckle as I run my knuckles down under his bare feet using some strength. He moans.
“Actually, no one ever has.” He whispers still keeping his eyes close.
“Really?” I ask in surprise, “no one? Like none of your ex boyfriends ever rubbed your feet?” He opens his eyes a little and shakes his head lightly.
“Damien thought, well he thinks that feet are disgusting…” He tells me then. I roll my eyes at the mention of Damien; stupid guy

“Feet are not disgusting…” Well in all honesty some of them are, some really, really are, but Alex has nice feet, the skin is in very good condition and Damien really is stupid… Another delicious moan from Alex’s lips as I continue the slow but firm massage.
“Uh… I’m so kinky but this is actually starting to turn me on, seriously…”
“I guessed it might.” I say with a grin, keeping my eyes down on his feet's. “Why don’t you undress your jeans so I can massage your calves and thighs.” I suggest then. Smiling in haze Alex starts opening his jeans and I help him with pulling them down from his ankles.

“So do you want to hear about my day?” I ask moving to massage his calves.
“Yes, what did you do? You didn’t see Stefan, did you?”
“No, not today…” I take a small pause, concentrating on the moves that my hands make, I want Alex to feel as good as possible.


“I took a long, hot bath…” I tell him, moving up to his thigh. “I washed myself all over; nice and clean. And then I felt…hm…It’s a bit warm, let me take my shirt off.” I undress slowly from my shirt and return to my task, massaging his inner thighs and watching as it is getting rather tight in his boxers. “…I was thinking of you and missing you and I longed to have you…so…” Up, up, touching his crotch ever so slightly. “So after I was all nice and clean, I took some oil and played with myself a little…” Alex has his eyes half open and he watches at me, breathing changed, trying to control it unsuccessfully. He takes my hand and places it on his obvious bulge. Slowly I start rubbing it, placing a kiss on it through the boxers. “I touched myself inside, played with my fingers…”

“Oh God Jo…”He moans and urges me to stand up, as I stand before him he starts opening my jeans, looking up to me with question, I bring my hands in his hair and nod my head. After I’m naked he leans down, takes my cock in his mouth and starts sucking, his finger caressing my oiled hole. After a while I move to sit on his lap, grasping his cock and guiding it against my entrance; I slowly take him in. He holds me and we kiss. I start moving, rocking my hips, up and down, trying to find the right base and moves that feel good for us both. We kiss each others, holding on each others trying to get as close as possible.

Alex:

I hold into him, his lean body, his waist, he feels perfect around me and I smile as I kiss him, smile as we make love. And when we finally find our release, as we continue holding each other enjoying the after glow, as I reach with my hand to brush his hair, kissing his forehead, looking into those amazing blue eyes of his; I feel such strong love that it almost scares me. If I’d lose you Jo, how could I go on? And I am not sure why my fear is so strong now of all moments.

Exhausted, both of us in need of sleep, but we gather the last energy we can to go to the shower and wash together, brush our teeth side by side, kissing, going to bed and snuggling close under the covers.

I stay awake looking at him for some time, I still do not like the amount of time he spends with Stefan, how often he goes to his place for a swim, but still I know he needs it, I know it makes him happy, being alone all the time does no good to anyone. And I’ve also noticed, this time of the year, Christmas month has brought his mood down somewhat, I know he misses home now more than ever and I can’t afford another trip, nor do I like the idea of asking money from anyone. But I do have a plan, I do have a gift that I know will make him happy and I owe a huge thank you for it to my brother and his wife.

He still have his nightmares and like many other nights before I wake up to the sound of his crying in his sleep, muttering panicked words with his own language and like I do every time; I gently pull him back to me and when he realises that he’s home and that he’s with me he calms back down, burying his face against my neck, staying close, muttering apologises for waking me again.
Again I assure him that it’s alright, stroking his hair and neck until he finds sleep again and finds more peaceful dreams. I curse the evil in this world and wonder if he can ever truly get his peace with what happened with his ex. At least he has less nightmares now than at the beginning, so that’s a good sign.
“I love you,“ I whisper quietly, close my eyes and start falling back to sleep.

Joonas:


On the evening before Christmas Eve, Alex came home with a surprise; this surprise had a big, round brown eyes, wet tongue and hair all over it’s tiny body. Puppy, Alex had bought me a puppy; a cute little pug.

“She will keep you company during days.” Alex told me with a smile as I played with cuddly creature in my arms on the floor. My depression for not being able to spend Christmas home with my family seemed to vanish out into the thin air, I had always wanted to have a dog, but since my dad was allergic I had never gotten one.

“I love her already, thank you Alex.” I smiled up to him, he knelt down with us, gently sweeping an escaped lock of hair behind my ear.
“So what are we gonna name her, you can decide.” Alex asked then-. I looked at her, thinking of a proper name to call her. All silly names running through my head; like pöpö, Alex could never say it out loud so that wouldn’t do.
“Her fur reminds me of toffee, should we call her Taffy?”
“Taffy? Yeah I like that.” Alex agrees.
“Though I might call her Tahvi when I’m alone with her and speak Finnish, it just comes easier from my mouth, I hope we won’t confuse her terribly.” I giggle then.
“She will be the smartest pug in the whole city, managing three different languages.”He smiles.
“Yes she will,” I smile back at him, looking deep into his eyes he looks back and finally lens over and kisses me on the lips.

“I love you.” He whispers kissing me again and I kiss him back, smiling into the kiss. Taffy's confused and demanding squeaks draw our attention back to her. I stoke her fur, lift her up and let her lick my face in her excited state. Then I turn my eyes back to my husband.
“I love you too Alex, thank you.” We keep stealing glances from each others the whole evening as we nourish and play with the new addition into our small family.

**^^**^^**^^**^^**

Christmas turned out to be one of the best Christmas I’ve had. We had small Christmas tree, good food and wine and we played with Taffy who needed and got a lot of attention from us both. Best part of Christmas was that I got to keep Alex home with me, well; with us, for three full days.

But on the 27th, he had to return to work, I was happy that at least I wasn’t alone anymore, I had Taffy. I played with her in the living room when the door bell rang, Taffy immediately sprung to the door and I followed her, picked her up and opened the door.

“Stefan!” I smiled, “come in,” I asked keeping the door open. Taffy barked at him, wriggling in my lap.
“Oh so who’s this then?” Stefan smiled and brought his hands so that Taffy could smell him, she then licked his hand looking up to him with her big eyes.
“Her name is Taffy, I got her from Alex.” I tell him and place Taffy down onto the floor.
“Oh that’s nice.”
“It is yes… um, would you like a cup of coffee?” I ask, kneeling on the floor, stroking Taffy.

“Yes, thank you… Oh and before I forget; here, a late Christmas present.” Stefan smiles at me handing a small paper bag to me.
I stand pack up.
“Oh thank you…man now I feel so stupid, I don’t have anything to you, I’m sorry.” I bit my lip as I take his gift.
“It’s alright, I really don’t need anything…I just had to get that for you, I like giving gifts.” He assures me. He really is sweet, isn’t he?

“Come, I’ll make you some coffee.” I smile and walk into the kitchen.

I sit down in front of the kitchen table with him and take a look of what he’s gotten me.
“Oh this is too much,” I breathe out .
“I remember you telling me you liked that band?” It’s a Poets of the Fall* CD, I didn’t even know they sold it in Germany, few weeks back when Stefan was visiting I played one of their song to him that I had downloaded from Internet.
“Yes I do! Thank you so much, I-…” I start and then I look at the other gift he’s gotten me.
“And that shirt, well you just looked so good in it and it would have been ashame not to get it to you.” It’s an Armani shirt that Stefan urged me to try out once that we were shopping; much too expensive for my wallet. How could I ever accept this expensive gift?
“This is too much Steff, I couldn’t possibly…”
“You know it’s impolite to refuse a gift, it would hurt my feelings, you don’t want to hurt my feelings?” He interrupts me with a pout.
“I-, but… you shouldn’t waste your money on me.”
“Jonas honestly, we’re friends are we not?”
“Yes.”
“Then what if I want to buy gifts to my good friend? I have money, more so than I can ever spend on myself, give this pleasure for me Jonas, please? Because it really is a pleasure.”
“Well, if you put it like that…” I hesitate.
“Yes I do, now, go on and dress the shirt on for me, okay? It would make me happy.”
“Alright, if it really makes you happy.” I smile at him and stand up. “I’ll be right back.”

**^^**^^**

“Wow, you look really good in that.” Stefan admires when I return, I can’t help the blush that creeps on my skin.
“Thank you,” I answer, brushing my hair behind my ear.
“I see you have a new hair cut, very nice.” He says then and I feel like an idiot because I am about to blush again. I sit down
“Yes, I-… Well it was getting rather too long for me and um, so… Alex took me to the hairdresser that he’s been going to. It was kind of amusing really; I felt like a child that goes to the hairdresser for the first time with a parent. You see the girl couldn’t understand English very well so Alex had to tell her what I wanted, well actually I kind of let Alex decide how it should be cut, but yeah I like it; not too short, not too long, but just perfect. Oh and she also dyed it a little; some gold brown stripes or something and on the roots, but um yeah, it’s very light. Not much of a difference… I had a crazy moment there, thinking what if I would color it completely dark, but I’ve always been blond and then I though; nah, and I think Alex wanted me tho stay blond so, um…” Now, most people would just say; thank you, but me? Well I have to start explaining about some hairdresser visit; really interesting Joonas, great going. I draw some circles on the table with my fingers not realising it at first. “Um, anyway… so how was your Christmas?” He grins at me and I get the feeling like I have something weird on my face.
“What?” I ask in confusion,
“Nothing, you’re just so cute.” He smiles shaking his head.
“Oh,” I answer stupidly, blushing again.
“Yes, but anyway; my Christmas was great, all good…So, I was going to ask if you’d like to come over today, for a swim?”
“I’d really love to, but Alex will be home soon and we’ll have a movie night, which reminds me that I should start preparing supper.”
“I could help you with that if you’d like?” He asks then.
“Really?”
“Yes, to tell you the truth I wouldn’t want to go home yet; it’s rather lonely in that big house all by myself.” I kind of feel sorry for him and I can totally understand that feeling, what I don’t get is that why such a great guy is still alone. It would be rather cool if I could arrange him with some of my friends, then I had more friends living here and we could hang out together and stuff. It would be nice.
“Oh I understand and of course you can stay, help would be nice.”

Stefan:

God I hate dogs, drooling, annoying things, uh… But must pretend, I even let the little bugger lick my hand; disgusting. But this is just something that I need to do to get the price. Jonas is looking really good today and even greater with the shirt I got him, I can’t really wait to see Alex’s face when he sees it, I grin to myself, wrapping my sleeves up and trying to smile as the little furry drool machine tries to beg for some attention.

Jonas knees down to pet the creature, smiling to it.
“Hyvä tyttö, hyvä Tahvi. Kuka on söpö, kuka? Isi tekee ruokaa nyt, joo tehdään ruokaa Alexille; tehdäänkö?”
He blabbers something and I watch him, picturing him naked… naked on bed and moaning under me.

“So what are we going to cook?” I ask once he stands up and washes his hands with soap.
“Lasagna; Alex’s favorite.”
“Okay, sounds good” I smile at him and we start preparing the dinner.

I actually have a lot of fun with him, messing with the food, joking, laughing. I find myself watching him and really listening to what he has to say. New feeling, a feeling that I quite like and I imagine for that moment that we truly are a couple living this normal everyday life; preparing dinner together, eating and having sex after that.

And then… Then we hear approaching steps from the front door, how the key turns in the lock, the little drool thingy immediately sprangs to the hall, Jonas right after it. And I follow slowly behind, staying in the shadow of the door way, watching with envy as Jonas kisses him, as they smile to each other and as Alex greets the little thing on the floor, lifting it up to his lap and smiling lovingly to his husband. So sugary, so sweet, I’ve never had anything like that with anyone. Sweet; it makes me want to puke. I am going to break your perfect little home Alex, just you wait.

And that is when he finally notices that I’m there,
“Stefan?” He asks, the look in his eyes revealing what he feels.
“Hello Alex.” I smile at him.
“Stefan helped me with supper,” Jonas tells him, smiling as he looks at me. I give him a smile back, watching then at Alex who’s now noticed the shirt that his husband wearing.

“This is new?” He asks then,
“Stefan gave it to me.” Jonas answers and I get an angry glare from Alex; angry and jealous. It’s so priceless.
“Well I guess I should go, you may want to be alone and I don’t want to intrude.” I say then.
Jonas looks at me, then at Alex and then back at me again.
“Please, stay for dinner Steff, you’re not intruding, right Alex?” Gritting his teeth Alex finally forces a smile.
“Yes, you are welcomed to stay for dinner, but I’m sure you’re busy so…”
“No, I’d loved to stay, thank you for inviting me.”

I love the face Alex is making, I love to see his features darkening with jealousy as I happily chat with his husband. I want to break them, come on Alex; keep building up that anger, keep it up.

“Well it certainly was a pleasure and the food was splendid!” I tell them dressing my coat on, Alex’s arm around the shoulders of Jonas.
“You helped me with it, we should thank you.” Jonas smiles.
“Ah but you made the most work with it,”
“Well then, I’ll see you Jonas, Alex, you’re both invited on my new years party, bring the dog if you can’t find a nurse for her.” I smile then.
“Thank you Stefan, we’ll be there.” Jonas promises.

**^^**^^**^^**^^**

Alex:

My insides are boiling with anger and jealousy; how can Jo be so oblivious to what’s going on here? I can’t even concentrate on the movie, I watch the shirt that he has on, shirt that the snake bought him; Armani… No one buys that expensive shirt for a friend that they’ve known less than two months! No fucking one. And a CD?? A fucking CD. I fight with myself, I fight keeping my anger inside, my jealousy inside, I don’t want Jo to see it. And now we have to go to that New Year’s Eve party at the snake’s house? Uh it is going to be pure torture! I just know it…

Chapter 8.

- the effects of drinking 1/2 -

Joonas:

I‘m woken from my dreams again, this time silently, this time not waking Alex.

In my dream I was alone with Henri, alone with him in that bedroom of the suit where he had me tied down. I’ll never forget what his face looked like then and I’ll never forget the way his voice sounded like; like it had been the devil himself and not the man I had lived with.

I sneak out of the bedroom, take Taffy in my arms and curl up on the couch with her, stroking her, watching her.
“Whore, foreigner loving whore!” He had slapped my face hard. “Wasn’t I enough for you, huh? I’ll show you, you little bitch.” And I hold Taffy closer, kissing her fur, praying for the whispers to leave me alone. If only I could just forget everything, if only I could be the person I was before, the person I was when I met Alex. No, I wasn’t perfect, hardly a saint, but I was… I felt free.

On the other hand… What if… Would I be here if it hadn’t happened? Married with Alex? Maybe not, so even something as horrid as it was, something good came out of it.

“You’re awake?” I hear Alex asking and I turn my head to see him standing at the doorway. I smile at him,
“Couldn’t get asleep.” I tell him.
“Bad dreams again?” He walks closer, I nod my head and he curls up with us on the couch. He kisses me gently.
“I wish I could take them all away, wash those horrid memories from you.”
“You’ve already helped me Alex, you’ve helped me so much. There are just some things that can’t be forgotten so easily, that can’t be washed away.” I tell him, feeling his fingers in my hair and I close my eyes. “I feel safe here.” I whisper then.

**^^**^^**^^**^^**

Decamber 31st




I feel excited and nervous about the party, knowing there would be quite many coming, people I've never seen before and still I fear I manage to make a full out of myself somehow. I fix my hair carefully, wanting to look good for Alex so that he won't have to be embarrassed of me. I choose my favorite pair of jeans that fit on me perfectly, and the shirt that Stefan gave me; I want him to know that I truly appreciate the gift.

Taking in a deep breath I move in front of the full length mirror of our bedroom to check how I look.
"Hm, why did you put on that shirt?" Alex asks me.
I turn to look at him, a little surprised by his question.
"Um, because it's the nicest thing I have." I tell him, "and because I thought that since Stefan gave it to me, I-," Then I hesitate, chewing on my lip, "Do you not like it?" I ask him a little bit worried and I touch my stomach and look at the shirt, wondering if Alex things that I look horrid or something
"It looks good on you. You look good in it." He says then.

I smile at him, happily. He thinks I look good! I walk over to him, looking at him from head to toe. "You look so handsome, Alex, you know I love this shirt you're wearing. I think I have to keep an eye of my man so that no one gets to snatch you away from me." I lean closer to give him a kiss, my hands on his waist and I know I'm smiling like some crazy person, but I can't help it, I just feel so happy here and now, with him.


Alex:

The truth is that I can’t stand the shirt he is wearing; not because he wouldn’t look good in it, because he does, but because it was given to him by that slime. He smiles at me, coming close and
his closeness makes my breath hitch and I don't want to leave our home to go to that snake's lair. I would like to stay in and make love to my husband instead of pretending all evening that I have a good time while in reality I would be gritting my teeth out of sheer anger at snake's antics and jealousy caused by Jo's friendly behavior towards that undeserving jerk. I close the distance between our lips, kissing Jo lightly. "Jo ... let's stay home ... we can be together all alone, I will give you a massage ..." I coax him, my fingers going to the buttons of that damn shirt as I try to unbutton it. But they are tricky, only a snake would choose a shirt with such tricky buttons.

He takes my wrists, gently guiding my hands away.
“Alex, we promised him that we would go, and I don’t want to disappoint him.” He tells me. “And besides we have the whole day tomorrow…I wouldn’t mind getting that massage tomorrow.” He grins then and kisses the side of my ear. He moves away buttoning up the buttons I got undone. “I should pack some food for Taffy.”

I don't say anything to him, feeling aroused and angry at the same time. I know he wants to have a friend here but did he have to choose the snake? Out of the many people he got to know, he had to choose the one most disagreeable with me. I sigh loudly, letting go of the anger, it won't bring anything good. Besides, Jo did promise we would spend the whole of the tomorrow together. This makes up for the fact that I get to spend this evening at the snake's house. If he tries to make me happy, I should try as well, for his sake.

"Ok. But no Stefan for the next week, please," I say, trying to sound as if I were joking, but I mean it, I am dead serious about that request.

“Stefan is nice, you’ll like him if you just give him a chance, I’m sure. And we will have a great time today, I just know it. We’ll just have to look after Taffy: I worry about all that noise and the sounds of the fireworks that might scare her.” He kneels down and lifts Taffy up to his lap
"Oh well, I'll go and pack her stuff now, I think we should get going then. Will you call up the cab?" He asks me and I obediently do what he told me, I can never say 'no' to him, I just love him too much. I know I may be a little too jealous about Stefan but that's because he's a snake. Snakes are not to be trusted, especially around such treasures like Jo. When the cab has been called for, I wait for my husband to come and join me.


Joonas kneels down to dress the little harness on for Taffy in the hall and then dresses up his coat and shoes. "Oh I almost forgot!" He says then and hands me Taffy's lead and rushes back into the living room. He comes back with a bottle of sparkling wine. "I know it isn't much, but I thought we should bring something to Stefan’s so I bought this." He explains to me. "Do you think it's enough?"

Too much and too good for him, some cheap wine would suffice, I think spitefully. How come Stefan's name is constantly on Jo's lips? Does he think about him all the time? On the outside I smile and nod my head, "Yes, I think it should be enough."

In the elevator he kisses me whispering “I love you,” And again he almost makes me forget that we’re going to the snake’s house to spend the whole night on top of everything.

The cab is just waiting outside the building so we get into the car and I give the driver the address of Stefan's house. I sit in the back seat, next to Jo and I take his hand into mine, tracing my fingers on the inside of it. Jo has such wonderful hands, lean but strong, the sexiest hands in the world.


We reach the house, with a deep, heavy sigh I get out of the cab after I’ve paid the driver. Jo is smiling, he seems happy, I suppose I just have to swallow up my anger and jealousy and try to have fun; try.

Stefan opens the door with a huge, annoying and bright smile that’s cast in the direction of my husband.
"Glad you both could make it, or, should I say, all three of you?" He grins, letting Taffy lick his hand. I hope that she would bite him, but Taffy is just too sweet dog for that.
"Thanks for inviting us." Jo smiles at him, God I hope he wouldn’t smile so much at that dammed prick.
"Of course Jo, wouldn't be any fun without you; my good friend,"
I watch Stefan warily as he hugs my Jo and ignores me completely. So ... I have been right in my suspicions about him. He HAS his eyes on Jo, he wants my Jo. He WON'T have my Jo, I will NOT allow that. When he offers to help Jo take off his coat, I come closer and silently help my husband take it off. Point for me, you snake! I think as I smile to Jo.

"Thank you Alex," Jo turns to me, looking a bit surprised I guess; here he has two men willing to take his coat off. He kneels to take the bottle from his bag, stands up and hands it to Stefan
"I got this for you,"

"Thank you Jo, Alex." He nods his head towards my direction. "Now there's plenty of food and snacks and drinks, what would you two like? I can get you." He asks then. "Oh tell you what; I just bring you some punch, it's really good. You can go in the living room to join the others" He tells us.

Stefan goes towards his kitchen and at the same moment Heike joins me and Jo, she briefly greets us and takes Jo to join the other guests with her but I stay where I am. What I really want to do is to follow the snake in to the kitchen. Somehow I don't trust him ... he said he would fix us drinks ... what if he decided to slip something into our drinks? It wouldn't be below him, it would be just him! To get me asleep and get Jo some drug? To make him more agreeable ... Oh, God, I HAVE TO see how he prepares those drinks! I can't let him harm Jo! I slink into the kitchen and see Stefan take out two glasses. I have come just in time, I guess.

Stefan:

I take out two glasses, hearing steps from behind I turn to see Alex there. Now what are you doing here? Did I not tell you to go to the living room with your pretty husband? I think to myself as I force a smile on my lips. Do you not trust me Alex? I wonder.

"Did you need something Alex?" I ask him as I fill the glasses with the punch. I was planning to... but oh well... Just make sure that both of them drink enough today, I hand him the other glass.
"In fact I did. You see, Jo is taking antibiotics and he has forgotten to tell you that he can't drink alcohol so I came to ask you to prepare him some soft drink…and because my husband is not drinking, I would like to stay sober as well, so can I have just a glass of orange juice?"

"Oh indeed? Antibiotics?" I raise my eyebrow almost chuckling but I manage to keep myself down. Oh Alex you are so obvious. Well let’s play along then for now. "Well, poor Jo, I hope it's nothing serious with him?" I ask with concern. "Maybe he'd like a glass of coke then?"

"Coke would be alright, I think, it won't interfere with the medicine… Just give me a glass and I will pour some for him. I think you should be joining your guests, they may be missing you and I can take care of my husband," a fake smile lingers on his lips, I can read him so well.

He's getting jealous, he really is, just the way I want him to get. Just need to fuel him up a bit more.

"Well if you insist on it Alex..." I answer take a glass or myself and walk into the living room where I find Jonas with Heike. I smile at him walking closer. "Alex told me you’re on antibiotics? I'm sorry I didn't know, hope everything is alright with you though? Alex is getting you some coke." I tell him and tried to hide my grin as I see the surprise forming on his face. I win Alex, I always win.

"Oh I'm fine, um I think Alex remembers wrong, I-, I haven't been on antibiotics for two days now..." He tells me then, obviously making this up to cover the lie of his husband

"I'm glad to hear you’re fine, Alex just must be overly careful with you, and who wouldn’t be with such a treasure?" He blushes slightly at my comment.

Alex

I quickly fix the glass of coke for Jo and decide to join my husband. I can't leave him alone for too long, I bet the snake will try something. I get to the living room and scan the inside with my eyes, spotting Jo, Heike and - of course - Stefan. Just leave him alone, you sick bastard! I come closer and see Jo's confused face. Oh, fuck! Snake told him about the antibiotics! Shit! Quickly think up something, Alex or you'll have a lot of explaining later! But as it is now, nothing comes to my mind.
"Jo, I got you a glass of coke," I hand him the cold glass, not saying anything about antibiotics. He takes the glass, eyeing me carefully then he stands up.
"Alex honey, can I have a word with you in private?" His voice is quiet.
"Yes, of course," I smile at him. I see Stefan's triumphant look. Oh, no you haven't won yet.

He leads me to the empty dining room, turns around and faces me.
"Why did you tell Stefan that I'm on antibiotics?" He asks with slightly upset voice, he folds his arms against his chest.
"What antibiotics?" I play dumb, trying to look innocent. "I haven't said anything about any antibiotics. Did he tell you that I said you were on antibiotics?"

I see the confusion on his face, he opens his mouth and he frowns.
"Yes, he did and…why did you bring me a glass of coke then?"
"Because I thought you might be thirsty. Don't you think it's strange that Stefan said I told him you were on antibiotics?" I try to make the best of the situation and maybe even lessen the trust Jo has for the snake. "He may be playing some game with us, Jo. I would be careful around him, you know."
"I don't understand, why would he do that?" He looks at me and in question. "It is strange," he admits then, "very strange... um, but maybe he just understood you wrong or something?"

"Maybe he misunderstood," I nod my head and think for a moment if I should give Jo another warning. I decide to do just that. "But I would be careful, Jo. I know you like him and want to be friends with him," I almost grit those words out, smiling, preparing for the biggest lie ever, "and I'm happy for you, I'm happy that you are friends but ... Stefan can be manipulative. Please, be careful, my love, I don't want you to get hurt." I come closer and kiss him on the top of his nose. "You are my treasure and I don't want you to get hurt."

He smiles at me, so sweetly, so innocently. "Your treasure? Oh Alex, you’re so…” He closes his eyes and then looks back into mine again. “I know I must have done something right to be married to such a wonderful man as you, if you care about me, I can’t be that bad, can I?” He kisses my cheek, "You're worried I understand and... And it's been hard for me to trust people after what.. well you know... But I don't want to be scared all the time, I want to be able to trust people, I want to trust Stefan; he's been nothing but kind to me Alex... and you know he likes you, he really hopes that you could be better friends so, lets just get to know him better okay? I'm tired of being so careful all the time,"
I nuzzle his cheek with mine, trying to calm him down after I made him remember that terrible period in his life, at the same time trying not to shout at him for his blindness. It's ok to trust people but not snakes! And Stefan is nothing but a snake!
"I know, Jo," I murmur into his ear, nibbling at his ear shell. "I know that. But I don't like the fact that he lied to you so ... can I be careful? For the both of us? Will you entrust me with your safety? Will you believe me if I ever tell you that something is not entirely right about Stefan?"’

“You're my hero, I would trust you with my life." He tells me. "And yes, I believe you, you've never lied to me before, I trust you, I trust you with all my heart." He kisses me softly. "Now, should we get back to our baby? And I would really like something stronger than coke to drink, to relax me."
Ugh, I feel like crap. I have never lied to him ... I have just lied to him and big time! Plus, he wants something with alcohol! And I can't say no to him because it would just look suspicious. "Ok, Jo, let's come back," I sigh and vow not to drink anything stronger that orange juice tonight. And I will not leave Jo for a second, even if I had to cling to Jo's arm all night long. And we're leaving the dining room, joining the rest of the guests, gathered in the living room. When we get there, I see Stefan's curious look but I ignore it, trying not to let him know I turned his words around. Two-zero to me, you snake!


Stefan:

Alex isn't drinking, but Jonas is. Oh well, I can make this work. Make Alex jealous and have sex with his husband; it's my mission. So I sit next to Jonas and I even play with that disgusting drooling thing and pretend that I like it, that I find the puppy cute. I'm kind of ignoring my other guests, but I don't think they mind too much. I give the puppy back to Jonas and I let my hand brush his thigh 'accidentally' I glance at Alex and smile at him. I could laugh at the jealous face that he’s making, ready to blow.

The doorbell rings then and I excuse myself for a minute, checking the time; 9 pm, Should be Damian; finally.

“Soo, Alex’s here?” Damian asks as he takes his coat off.
“Oh he’s here alright.” I smile at him. “Now, just try to keep him distracted, just enough that he isn’t clinging to his husband all the time, enough that I can get some time with Jonas, maybe get him somewhere more private with me. Okay?”

“Um okay, just… uh, what are you planning?” He asks with slight concern.
“Sex with a willing partner. I want to break them up, I’m sure you would too.” I grin at him. I can get him willingly, maybe drunk, maybe very drunk but I will get him, frankly at this point I don’t know if I would care if he’d say no, I just want to make Alex suffer.

I return into the living room, seeing Alex next to Jonas, they are a disgustingly sweet couple. Damian walks over to the pair with me, greeting them happily. I really hope that Damian can get Alex’s attention.

Alex:

When I see who has come I start to feel panic rising in my chest. So the snake called for the reinforcement? I can deal with the snake alone but I can't be in two places at one time. Damian occupies me with a meaningless chatter and I'm trying to let him know we should be talking in English, for other people's sake (Jo's, to be exact, I know how he hates to be excluded) but he pretends not to get a clue. When I see that Stefan is going away, taking Jo and Taffy with him somewhere I excuse myself, pretending to really want to go to the toilet and secretly following the snake and my husband. I hear their voices coming from the kitchen and I enter it.

"Oh, you've come here?" I pretend to be surprised.

Jo turns to me and smiles brightly.
"Stefan had a dogs’ biscuit for Taffy." He tells me and then there’s a loud sound of the fireworks coming from outside, which scares Taffy and she begins barking. Jonas lifts her up.

"I don't know how she'll take it when they start firing more at midnight."

"We can move to downstairs, the sounds won't be so loud there." Stefan says then. "Oh and the pool is free to use, I thought about heating the sauna as well." He continues.

"That sounds good, doesn't it Alex?"

The snake gives Jo another drink, he's seriously going to drink him to stupor. I would like to warn Jo again but if I say something now, the snake will start to suspect that I know what game he is playing. I think for a moment about his suggestion. What worries me in this sudden generous offer is the word "we" that Stefan used. No way in hell will I let him be alone with Jo!

"Yes, it sounds splendid," I smile at Jo, "WE could spend there the time when the fireworks will be the loudest and Stefan would stay with his guests. We can't make him leave his other guests for too long, can we?" I continue, my face innocent.

Stefan narrows his eyes at me,
"Oh Alex, aren't you sweet; always worrying about others. But there really is no need, my guests are all fine and they know where to find me, I'm sure Heike and few others can keep an eye of whats happening here.... And I can even borrow swim trunks to you Alex, if you'd like?" He offers, voice friendly, smile friendly and yet I know that he’s faking it; if only I could prove it to Jo! "And are you sure you wouldn't like a beer or something?"


"No, thank you for the beer and the swimming trunks, someone has to have an eye for Taffy when Jo is going to swim. Or maybe ... you'll take care of her?" I ask him, my voice as friendly as I can get. "I think our girl really likes you and you like her too, so I would trust you to take a good care of her." In fact, I have noticed something opposite. When Taffy was barfing, his eyes were full of disgust, he was barely hiding it. I'm sure Jo would notice if he wasn't preoccupied with the dog.

"Of course I can watch this little cutie if you want to swim with your husband," He blabbers to the dog, getting Jo to smile at him, to believe his genuine kindness.

."You can go down, Jonas knows where it is, I just gather up some snacks and join you then, okay?"

"Thank you Stefan, you're too kind." Jo thanks him and then turns to look at me. "Come, I'll show you the way." He grins.

I have the feeling I have won way too easily, there must be a catch somewhere, if only I knew where. I leave Taffy to Stefan (hoping she would continue barfing) and follow my husband.

I take his hand in mine, suddenly feeling the need to hold it, fearing what would happen if I’d let him from out of my sight. I don’t want anything happen to my lover.

Jo is smiling, grinning at me and he turns the lights on as we move downstairs.

"It's so beautiful here, you won't believe it." He sound so excited. "And you see how nice he is? Taking care for Taffy and all? Now you must see that he's not that bad, right?" We reach the pool room.

"It's really nice here," I agree with Jo, not answering his questions. I look around trying to spot something suspicious but can't see anything in that fashion. But snakes are snakes for a reason, they are cunning and witty and if I want to fend one, I must be just as witty and cunning myself. At the same time I must remember not to wake Jo's suspicions so I smile at him.

"I'd love to swim with you here." He moves closer then and kisses me, his hands traveling down and squeezing my butt.
"Then let’s go and lose these clothes dear?"
"Oh, what courage you display!" I laugh at his bold action. I kiss him and add, "Yes, let’s lose them and swim." And I don't care who sees us, even the snake himself can come and see ... no, he can't see anything, it's not for his eyes, Jo is not for his eyes. But on the other hand if he saw how close Jo is with me, maybe he would get the message?

He takes my hand, leads me to the changing room, disappears for a second and returns with two pairs of swimming trunks. He pulls me close and kisses me his hands unbuttoning my shirt and my jeans never breaking the kiss

"If we were alone, I'd make love to you right here, right now." He whispers and his hand brushes my organ, immediately getting me aroused and hungrily I kiss him back. I know the snake wanted to get Jo drunk and unsuspecting but he achieved just the opposite. I smile to the kiss and rub myself against my husband. "Jo, I want you, so much." I hear him moan sweetly, he looks around and sits down on the long bench and quickly frees my already hard member from my pants.



"Let’s be a little naughty?" He asks looking into my eyes and licks my shaft. I can't believe it! I know him for such a long time and I have never seen him so bold and sooo ... my mind refuses to work properly when I feel him starting to suck me and fondling my balls at the same time.
I throw my head backwards, at the same time burying my hands in his soft hair. I am trying not to thrust, worrying I would hurt him. I come shamelessly fast, trying to stifle the moans of pleasure but one or two escape my lips. When my mind starts working properly again, I grin at my husband and whisper to him, "I should get you drunk more often, my love."

He licks his lips, swallows and grins up to me.
"Maybe you should,” He chuckles then. The sound of approaching steps from the staircase gets us both moving fast to change into the swimming trunks.


"We were so close of being caught," Jo giggles quietly.

We were close to being caught, indeed, the snake has arrived. I can hear his voice coming from the outside of the room. I fold down my clothes and put them away, then prepare to leave. Suddenly something catches my eyes so I stand and look at it. It's so inconspicuous that I can't say for sure what it is but it makes me suspicious. I leave the room, making a mental note to check in the net what it could be.

The snake has brought Damian down as well –shit! Jo blushes and he wraps his arms around his chest insecurely
"I brought, snacks," Stefan tells us whit a smile. I glare at him angrily. Why does he have to be such a snake? And I don’t like the looks that linger on my husband’s body far too long. I come closer to Jo, wrap my arm around him, wanting him to feel safe. I can read his insecurity so well now.

"Jo, we should go swimming, you really wanted to." I hope he will feel better after swimming and the water will hide him partially from the prying eyes.

"Yes, I'd like to." He tells me and we both get in. He dives under the surface and for a while I just stand there and watch his smooth movements and how the tension from earlier leaves his body. He is beautiful, my little dolphin, the water suits him so well. And I smile like a man in love and well, that is what I am. He swims to me, kissing my neck lightly, my lips, his hands on my waist and both of us seem to forget the audience; it’s just me and him.

He turns into more playful mode, splashing the water on me and laughing, swimming away before I have time to get my ‘revenge’

In the water, Jo is like the person who he was when I first met him: playful, joyful and brave. And in awe I watch him, laugh with him, play with him, hoping that one day all the nightmares leave him completely, that one day he could start enjoying life more, just as he is now; free of the fears that haunt him.

But the snake is there and he’s the one to finally remind us that we’re not alone. Jo gets up from the pool and there the snake is instantly wrapping him into a towel, touching him using it as an excuse and I see his lips moving as he whispers something into his ear, but I cannot hear what it is. And yes I do worry, I worry about those long looks, worry about those ‘accidental’ touches and worry for my husbands own blindness to this wolf that has disguised himself as a sheep. He offers Jo more to drink and he takes it, he drinks it.

*******************

After midnight, most of us have moved upstairs into the library. Jo is really drunk by now and I watch as he sits little farther away with Stefan, as he laughs and as he giggles.
“You have the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen.” I hear as Stefan tells him, and Jo blushes slightly, Stefan leans closer and brushes his hair behind his ear,
“Really?” Jo is asking him.
Oh my God; Jo is flirting with that snake! I don't know if it's intentional or not but I grit my teeth again. After tonight I will definitely have to go to the dentist. I see Jo look at me and instead of smiling at him I only scowl. I can't smile when I see the one I love flirt with my worst enemy. He looks confused of the fact that I don’t answer his smile.

“Your sweetheart is quite drunk, isn’t he?” I hear Damian whispering to me, placing his hand on my shoulder. He grins. “And he seems to enjoy Stefan’s company far more than he should, I mean, after all, you two are married and if I didn’t know any better I’d say that those two are flirting with one another.” I glare at him and then back at the pair. Stefan has stood up and is offering his hand to Jo, which he takes and stands up whit him. He almost falls over, but Stefan is quick to catch him; his arm coming around his waist: “Whoa there gorgeous, don’t fall…” I hear him say.
"The champagne, is getting to my legs I think." Jo tells him.

I frown at this; Stefan being so helpful with trying to keep Jo upright, or looking like he’s just wanting to be helpful. But I know why he is doing this; he wants to touch Jo. And Jo obviously is enjoying it, enjoying the snake's touch. That's enough!

"Jo," I say sharply, "I think we should go to sleep already, there is still tomorrow and we have plans." I say as I get to him and take him by his arm and start to drag him away from the library. He stumbles, but I don’t really care I just want him away from Stefan. We reach the hallway and he manages to pull his arm free.

“Did you have to be so rude in front of everyone? To Stefan? I was enjoying myself and I am not a baby." He stutters, hiccups and takes support from the nearest wall. I try to control my breathing as I watch him; so completely drunk. He hiccups again and then he giggles to himself.

"Is everything alright?" I hear Stefan asking, he's standing at the doorway of the room where we came from and watches Jo and then at me with a grin.

"Why leaving so early?" He asks me in German as I am trying to get Jo to our room, "You're afraid that your husband prefers my company to yours?" If looks could kill, the snake would lie on the floor in the form of smoking ashes. I don't want to speak to him, afraid I wouldn't be able to stop really impolite comments about him and his goddamn company. If only Jo could understand German better, if he was a little less drunk ... And what angers me the most is the fact that what snake said is true. I am afraid that Jo might ... no, I don't want to think about that! The snake is the snake for a reason.

But then again ... Jo was flirting with him all the evening. And they say that the drunk person does what the sober only wants to do ... "Jo, please, we're going to sleep, you'll have a terrible hangover, love," I try to convince my husband who evidently doesn't want to go to sleep just yet. Despite my calm words my voice indicates how impatient I really am. And it's audible. The snake hears it.

“I can’t walk Alex.” He tells me, staying close to the wall. “My legs feel funny,” he pouts and hiccups.
“I’ll help you sweetheart, just lean on to me.”
“Sleep well angel,” Stefan says then, speaking to Jo, who looks towards him and smiles a drunken smile.
“Nightly night Stef, had fun tonight, you’re so fun.” And when my eyes lock with Stefan’s for just a few seconds I see the triumph in his, I see the challenge, the threat. I hate that snake!

I get Jo into the guestroom and lay him down on the bed.
“Taffy, where’s Taffy?” He asks me with a yawn.
“I’ll go and get her, just sleep love.” I tell him, he closes his eyes and it doesn’t take long until the sleep claims him. There he lays, looking so innocent and peaceful, sleeping like an angel and for the first time since I’ve been with him I question whether or not I can trust my husband or not. He’s cheated before, could he do it again? And I hate myself for even thinking that, it is the snake I need to worry about and not Jo’s faithfulness. I leave him alone in the room to sleep to go and get Taffy.

Chapter 9.

Effects of Drinking 2/2


I watch as Alex leaves the room, failing to see me as I hide behind the corner. I wait, my heart pounding and when I see that the coast is clear, I sneak in.

Jonas is lying on the bed on his side, sleeping peacefully, barely making any sound. I stand there, listening carefully to the sounds from outside the room, finally I approach the bed, keeping my eyes on him.

“Jonas?” I whisper his name, but he doesn’t wake. I kneel down in front of the bed and take a closer look at his face and slowly my hand reaches out to touch him. His skin feels so smooth, so warm, his lips inviting me to kiss them and I decide to do that; just one taste. He lets out a small sound, moves, but doesn’t wake. And my fingers curl up in his hair, soft, golden hair; I bring my nose closer breathing in the smell of cinnamon, apple and chili?…

“Jonas?” I whisper again, tracing my finger on his soft lips. “I want to fuck you Jonas,” I continue seeing that he’s far in his dreams. I take the opportunity and run my hand down, feeling the body that I’ve longed to touch so many times. I reach his bum and squeeze it, feeling myself hardening.

Again I look towards the door and listen, I lift his shirt up, feel the muscles of his stomach, my lust growing and becoming too much, I want him and I curse Alex for having him. My actions are guided by my lust and my hands start to open the buttons of his jeans, one open, he makes that sound again, turns to lie on his back, a frown on his face, but he’s still sleeping. I continue with touching the front of his jeans.

“Alex…” I hear him whisper and I snap my head up. His eyes are still close, still dreaming, but again that dammed name escapes from his lips and anger rises within me. I want it to be my name coming from his lips and not his. I will make him moan out my name.

I then realize the limited amount of time, his husband will return soon, and as much as I want him now, I can’t have him now and I must wait for a better day, for a better chance, the next time that he comes alone here? It will be much more fun when he’s awake anyways.

I hear the dog, I hear Alex’s voice and I stand up quickly, I pull his shirt back down and hurry to the locked door that would take me to the next room. I open it, step in and close the door softly behind me, making sure that it’s locked.

My curiosity takes better of me and I decide to look through the keyhole into the room where I just left. Alex steps in, the puppy in his arms.


Alex:

I have an odd feeling, I kneel down to place Taffy down on the floor and pet her. I look towards the bed where my husband is sleeping. A feeling that something is not the way it’s suppose to be, I tried hurrying back, not liking the idea of leaving him alone in the snake’s lair. I walk closer and I look at him, his clothes, his face, I sit on the bedside next to him and slowly I start unbuttoning his shirt happy to get rid of this piece of clothing. Maybe I could accidentally ruin it with wrong ironing? I smile at my clever idea. When the last button is undone my gaze moves to his jeans, with two upper buttons undone, I’m quite sure that… When I left him, wasn’t his shirt tucked down in his jeans? And they were buttoned up, right? And here he is; sleeping soundly.

“Jo?” I call his name. No answer. Then I look around in the room and I see Taffy trying to scratch her way through a wooden door that doesn’t lead to the hall but to another room. She lets out small squeaks. I walk over to her and the door.

“What is it girl? Is there something?” I try the door handle to find it locked. I don't like the feeling that I have, I don’t like it one bit. I decide to follow my instinct, I walk out of the room, and check the next room where the door from our room would lead to; I step into the empty and dark guestroom, to find no one there, but still I have my suspicions.

I return to Jo. I continue undressing him, deeply worried. Something is not right and I want to forbid my husband to ever step foot in this house again. As I pull down his jeans his eyes flutter open, he looks at me quietly and I offer him a smile.

“What time is it?” He asks with small voice.
“Sleeping time, my love.” I whisper softly, touching his cheek and I help him under the covers after I’ve undressed him to his underwear.
“Okay.” He says simply and his eyes fall shut again. “Good night Alex, I love you.”
“Love you too sweetheart, sleep well.” And after I’ve undressed myself I curl up next to him on the bed.

Last thought before I fall a sleep: I don’t want Stefan anywhere near him ever again.


Joonas:

Oh God I feel terrible, my head is pounding, I feel like I’ve been run over by several cars, of course I’ve never gotten hit by a car so I don’t know, but I feel afoul just the same. Though, I have felt much worse, luckily or unluckily I don’t remember that just now.

“I’m never going to drink again, I swear…” I mutter into my pillow.
“That bad?” Alex asks, almost amused. Evil man, easy for him ain’t it? I nod my head.
“I feel sick…” I say then sitting up and lifting my hand over my mouth. “I need to….” And that’s all I can manage to say before rushing to the nearest bathroom to throw up; charming…

Alex walks in after me.
“Are you alright honey?” He asks me. I’m still kneeling on the floor, thinking about how I feel, but before the right answer comes to me, I throw up again. My whole body is trembling from cold sweat and nausea.
“How much did I drink last night anyway?” I ask with a weak voice, hoping that I wouldn’t vomit anymore because my stomach feels as empty as it can get.
“A lot,” Alex tells me, kneels down and rubs my back gently. “Cider, beer, champagne, punch…”
“Please; I do not want to hear it.” I ask him, closing my eyes.
“I’m sorry, hope you remember this the next time.” He says, and I feel tiny bit annoyed by his words, easy to him to advice me: feeling all good and sober.

I don’t even remember all that took place last night; how did I get to bed and when? What happened? Who did I talk to and what about? Alex helps me to stand up. I walk over to the sink and wash my face and mouth.

“I hope I didn’t say or do anything too stupid last night?” I ask carefully looking at my pale face from the mirror, then I look at him through it. Alex is quiet. “Oh God I did, didn’t I?” I ask, and then I groan. “I can never face your friends again… shit.”
“No, everything is alright, Jo, you started to get so tired that I saw it best to get you to bed.” He answers then and somehow I still feel that there’s something that he leaves out.

“Let’s get dressed and go home to eat breakfast.” I nod my head, still wondering if there’s something that’s bothering him.

******************

“You don’t believe the dream I had,” I try to lighten up the mood in the cab ride home. I lean my head back and close my eyes. “I dreamt that I was in the army and the lieutenant came to me and said that I had to give blow jobs to whole Finnish army in order for us to win the war, and I said that we weren’t even in a war. And when I asked him, that even if we would be, what would it help if I gave those blow jobs? And he said that I shouldn’t bother him with such silly questions and I should just follow his order… And so I had to do it and then I complained about the fact that I didn’t even live in Finland anymore so why did I have to serve the army, they told me to shut up and keep sucking… And then you walked in there in said; enough of this silliness!” I chuckle and open my eyes. “I swear, such pervert dreams come to me only when I’m drunk. Thus I really should stop drinking all together.” Alex is silent, honestly is something wrong? Maybe one shouldn’t tell such silly sex dreams to one’s husband? Maybe it’s okay to tell them to a boyfriend but not a husband?

“The dream was so silly.” I say then.
“We all have silly dreams at times.” Alex takes note.

“How many boyfriends have you had Jo?” He asks suddenly. “I don’t believe we’ve talked about it. I look at him, blinking my eyes.
“Well. Boyfriends? Hm…Only two before you. What’s his face and then Miika; we met at the army actually, I was 18 and we fooled around, we broke up like month after we got our serving time done. Before that, you know I had a girlfriend when I was 15, I was trying to fool myself and I failed.” I don’t want to tell him about those times between Miika and Henri, fooling around in weekends. You know how it can be, when one is young and wild and finally has had the courage to come out? But I’m still confused about why he’s asking this now.
“How many boyfriends have you had?” I decide to ask.
“Four; Carl, Eric, Damian and you.”
“Oh okay…”

Alex:

I’m not sure what’s going on with me. Jealous; that’s what I feel and worried and angry and then more worried.

Jo doesn’t remember well what happened and it’s all the snakes doing and still I’m haunted by the images of him flirting with that snake and how he hugged him when we were leaving. Could he cheat on me? Could he be attracted to the snake? And what if Stefan was in our room last night when Jo was alone sleeping? And I remember Damian’s words to me last night; words that certainly aren’t going to cheer me up.

Questions and doubts are filling my mind and I start to question of how well I even know my husband, was Henri the only one he ever cheated on? Were there others? How many guys?

And then he tells me about that dream, that weird sex dream and I question whether or not he’s really suffering from those rapes, if he can have such a dream and then tell it to me so openly? And then I hate myself for even thinking like that, I’d hit myself if I could. But in the end, I can’t help but to ask him how many boyfriends he’s had.


I feel restless that’s what I feel and I try to make myself to remember that all my doubts are Stefan’s fault, not Jo’s and I remember how he whispered the words “I love you,” last night. I calm down, wrap my arm around him and kiss his forehead. Let the past be past.


**^^**^^**^^**^^**^^

The final straw.

I tried asking Jo, very carefully, not to see Stefan so often, but apparently my request has gone to deft ears. On Tuesday when I came home from work, Stefan was there and yesterday Jo told me that he’d go to his house on Saturday to swim. I felt like forbidding him, but in the end, I couldn’t find the right words.

Friday:

It was a long stressful day at school and then a hellish evening at work. Customers complaining. One woman calling me a dumb who couldn’t do anything right, basically complaining to me about everything wrong in the shop that I work in; I happened to be the nearest worker that she could find.

At the end of the day I had few drinks at the near by pub with two of my co-workers and now coming home I have one hell of a headache.

“Hi honey,” Jo greats me from the living room, I mutter a reply back and walk straight into the kitchen to get myself a beer. He walks in.
“I saw Stefan today and look what he gave me.” He is smiling and showing me some DVD box, I see red; again that name; Stefan. Can’t there be even one day without Stefan? Without the mention of his name? I take a sip of my beer.
“DVD?” I ask lazily and walk into the living room.
“Yes and not just any DVD. Remember that TV show that I talked about to you; the one with the vampire, Dark shadows* And how disappointed I was when they didn’t rerun the series in TV and that I couldn’t find it from anywhere?” I sit on the couch and look at him. Yes, I do remember him telling about it.
“And tadaa; here it is!” He shows the DVD box to me: Dark Shadows, it says. “Stefan ordered it to me from the Internet, wasn’t that nice of him?” I grit my teeth, something my dentist advised me to stop, but oh hell all of this is that bloody slime’s fault!

I’ve finished my beer and go to the kitchen to get another one.
“What’s wrong honey? Are you mad or something?” He asks me when I return into the living room. He sits there; that dammed DVD in his hands.

“He sure keeps giving you gifts,” I take note then and glance at him, he looks at me; his eyes big and confused. “Why do you think he’s constantly giving you stuff?” I ask, he looks down and then back at me.
“Um, because we’re friends.” He answers and I can’t help but to laugh out loud dryly; tired, angry, jealous and a bit tipsy; not a good combination.
“Oh come on Jo, you can’t really be that stupid?!”
“Excuse me?” He looks hurt, but I ignore it, I’m tired of his blindness, this act.
“No man goes through that much trouble with getting gifts to a friend they have known for only few months. I get that you’re a blond, but please; even you should see that.” I realize that I’m being mean, but I can’t stop myself, my frustration and all the anger that I’ve kept inside are now bursting out and I can’t stop. “Or maybe you do see that.”


Joonas:

I’m confused and I don’t understand why he’s being so mean to me all of a sudden, calling me stupid. It hurts deep.

“Why are you like this Alex? Why are you being so mean? Stefan is my friend, a good friend. So far he’s gotten me that shirt; a Christmas present, then this DVD, because he is a kind person. Friends can give presents to friends without it being anything more than that.”

“Oh come on Jo, that’s a load of crap!” He snaps at me. His anger scares me; who is this person and what did he do to my gentle husband? I start to tremble, tears rise to my eyes as I remember the man who also changed his attitude towards me suddenly and without a warning.

“I don’t like you when you’re like this.” I tell him, stand up whit the intention to just walk away from the fight that I do not wish to have. He grasps my arm, looking straight into my eyes.

“Are you sleeping with him? Are you sleeping with that snake?!” I open my mouth in shock, I pull my arm free and look at him through the tears that I can’t keep from rising.
“Am I sleeping with him? Of course I’m not! For God’s sake he’s my friend, nothing more!”
“So you say. Is that the same thing you told your ex about me?”

I stare at him, feeling like I can’t really breathe. I choose not to answer, partly because I can’t find the words. I turn around and I hear him following.
“You cheated on him, maybe you cheated your first boyfriend too and perhaps you’re cheating on me with Stefan.” He continues and his words stab so deep, they hurt me more deeply than anything before.
“I cheated on Henri with you; you who knew that I was taken! I don’t remember it stopping you then, I don’t remember you complaining.” I scream at him, crying now. “I got my punishment, I took it, I lived through it! And now you’re here calling me stupid and accusing me of cheating when I’ve given up my everything to live here with you, when I’ve been nothing but faithful!”

And I walk into the bedroom to pack up my clothes, hearing him going on about Stefan and how he’s seen me flirting with him.
“What are you doing?” He asks me as I take my bag and walk into the hall.
“I’m leaving, I do not need this Alex, if you believe that of me then… Then fuck you! I’m leaving and I’m taking Taffy with me.” I pack up some food for Taffy and dress my outdoor clothes on.

“Where would you go? To your lover? The wonderful rich guy who can give you everything and more?”
I do not answer. I get Taffy and lift her up. I open the front door.
“Fine just go then! Just run away to that snake!”

My head hurts from all the crying. What just happened? How did this happen? I thought we were happy, but I guess I was wrong. I hug Taffy close to my chest and finally shelter her with my coat as the night air is getting rather chilly. I have no idea where to go, but my pride doesn’t allow me to return home after what happened.

I sit down on a bench near a park and look around feeling so small and lost. I want home, home to mom and dad, I need mom right now and I hug Taffy, who licks my tears from my face making confused and concerned noises.

I don’t have money to buy a plane ticket, if I had, I’d be going to the airport and I would take the first flight back home, but then again… I know that’s what my parents expect, that I’ll come back with my tail between my legs telling them that they were right and I was wrong. No, I don’t want to admit that I failed. And is my marriage really over? Does Alex not love me anymore?

“Daddy left us Taffy. We’re on our own now.” I tell her and she gives me a comforting lick again, I look into her friendly brown eyes and know I need to find shelter, if not for myself then for her. I take out my cell-phone and decide to call my aunt that lives in Leipzig, it’s in the same country at least, maybe she could take me in?

“I’m sorry Joonas, this is kind of a bad moment, we have guests and you know how Georg feels about gay people… I’m sure you have some friend to help you. Call me tomorrow, okay? Bye dear,” That’s what my aunt reply was when I asked for her help, telling her that I had a fight with my husband and now I have nowhere to go. Great, just great, this is how much she cares about the fate of her brother’s son. Call her tomorrow? Not bloody likely, it would serve her right to not know if I’m lying in some gutter murdered and robbed. I hope she feels very guilty.

In the end, the cold gets too much to bear and being alone in the streets where strangers keep offering me rides home, I decide to call Stefan. I feel ashamed, taking advantage of his kindness but on the phone he assures me he understands and that I did the right thing by calling him. He asks me to wait inside the near by McDonald's and he said that he would try to hurry up.

I smile at him, feeling grateful, when I finally see him walking in.
“Oh Jonas, I’m so sorry; Alex is a jerk. Now, let’s go, you need your rest.” He offers his hand to me and I take it to stand up. He hugs me.
“Thank you Stefan, I don’t know what I would have done without you.”
“It’s alright Jonas, everything is alright.” He assures.

Chapter 10.

Stefan:

I have my little fly now. And this couldn’t have worked out more perfect for me. I lead him into the kitchen and offer him a glass of coke. We sit down in front of the table. The dog is smelling the corners of the room, I watch it warily, hoping that it won’t piss on the floor or anything. The dog must go.

I have to play it cool, I wouldn’t want to ruin this by rushing. I have to get him upstairs with me. He wipes the tears from his eyes, looking sad and heart broken.

Our housekeeper walks in the kitchen and looks at Jonas.
"Do you need anything Sir?" She asks then from me.
"No, you are not needed for the rest of the evening." I tell her and wait until she leaves the room.

“What happened?” I ask Jonas then. He looks up to me and takes a deep breath, his fingers playing on the sides of the cold glass.

“Alex thinks that you and I have an affair, he accused me of sleeping with you and he didn’t believe when I told him that you and I are just friends…” I try my best to keep a straight face, just what I wanted to hear. I wait for him to continue.

“Well there’s more than that and… I guess I know why he feels that he can’t trust me, but…”

“Tell me, I’m here to listen.” I encourage him and take a sip of my drink. He seems to hesitate, glancing at me and then back at the table, drawing small circles on it with his fingers

“When Alex and I met, I was with someone else. You see, me and that man I lived with, my boyfriend, were on a holiday here. One night we were out and… Well the whole day I had been quite pissed off with him, with my boyfriend that is and I-, well he…”He sighs with frustration before he continues. “In the end I just had enough, I guess it was something he said, I don’t remember, it’s not important. Then I ran into Alex and I went with him to his place… And well, we slept together… I swear I had never before cheated on my boyfriend, not before I met Alex… I fell for him, hard, unexpected and fast. Couldn’t leave it there and so even after I returned home we kept in touch; calling to each other, sending emails and text messages… In the end a friend of my boyfriend found out about it.”

So he is a slut, a cheating slut… And Alex really likes taking guys that are taken. I feel angry again.
“What happened then?” I ask him, with a calm voice hiding what’s going on inside my mind.
“It’s not easy to tell this, I suppose it never gets easy, even saying the word out loud…” He shakes his head, another sigh. “I was raped.” It’s almost a whisper, and he doesn’t look at me, he keeps his eyes down.
“Raped?” I ask.
“Yes, by the friend of my ex and my ex… It didn’t happen just once… Alex rescued me, we got married and moved here.” I watch as another tear falls from his eyes, landing on his lips from where he wipes it away.

He needs my sympathy, I need to make him feel safe so I lean to touch his hand and I soften my voice as I tell him that I’m sorry it happened to him. In truth the anger hasn’t left me, if I had a boyfriend sleeping with strangers, he’d be punished too. He made the choice to cheat and he got what he deserved. No use to cry about it now.

“Thank you Stefan, for listening, for helping me, for taking me in.” He thanks me. I smile at him gently.
“What are friends for? Alex is a jerk for saying that. You don’t need that jerk.” I touch his cheek, stroking it with my fingers. His blue eyes look at me in confusion and he leans back from me. I take it as a hint and remove my hand from his skin. I need to make careful moves, I don’t want to frighten him yet.

I should ask him to come with me upstairs, into my room. I’m getting anxious to sleep with him, I feel like I’ve waited far too long to do it. That video with him sucking Alex’s cock in the changing room only made me want it even more. His cell-phone starts to ring before I can make my suggestion.


Joonas:


I wonder if I acted too quickly, leaving like that. It’s always been my problem, running away from fights, the same thing that happened with Henri, the same thing that happened when I was with Miika. I’m still hurt by what Alex had said, by what he thinks of me. And I fear that this is the end for us and I don’t want it to end, I don’t want to lose him and what we have together. I love him.

It was our first fight, first time Alex has ever been that mean to me. He can’t really hate me? Can he? I don’t want to get divorced. Being twenty year old gay guy who’s been married and then divorced; no, it’s not the status I want for myself.

Telling Stefan the truth felt hard, but it also felt somewhat relieving. I’m glad he understands. When he leans to touch my cheek, stroking my skin whit his fingers, I start feeling slightly uncomfortable and I lean back. “…Alex is a jerk for saying that. You don’t need that jerk.” He tells me, but inside a tiny voice is whispering: I do need him.


My cell-phone starts ringing then and I take it from my pocket: Alex.
“Don’t answer,” Stefan tells me, reaching out for my hand and taking the phone from me.
“But…”
“No ‘buts’ Jonas, let him wait, let him wonder.” He ends the call, by pressing the red button and then he switches my cell off completely and I sit there and watch with doubt in my mind, with the want to take my phone and call Alex back, wanting to hear what he would have to say. “Forget him Jonas, forget that jerk, even if it’s only for tonight. You could do a lot better than him.”

“I should talk to him.” I tell him.
“Talk to him tomorrow.” He smiles and stands up. “You need to rest, we could go upstairs to watch a movie?” He suggests and feeling tired I agree to it. I take Taffy in my arms again, somehow she seems more restless now than usually.

“You can go and wait in my room, I have a phone call to make, I’ll be with you shortly.” Stefan says as we reach to upstairs.
“Okay,” I answer, place Taffy down and walk towards his room. On my way there I see the same woman who came to the kitchen earlier. I guess that she's a housekeeper or something, I've only seen her few times before when visiting Stefan. She looks around fifty, her hair is dark with some gray stripes in it. She's not very tall, little chubby, but not fat.
I smile to her carefully, unsure if I should say something, she looks back at me, answering to my smile with her own. I wonder if she understands English?

In the end I don't say a word to her and step into Stefan's room, Taffy following close behind. She starts sniffing around, examining the room. Stefan’s computer is on, I wonder if it would be alright to check my mail, maybe sign in my messenger to see if Alex would be online.

I carefully move the mouse and the screen opens. Just as I’m about to click on the Internet button, I see that there’s a closed file window down, a file that has my name on it. My heart beat quickens as I stare at my own name in disbelief, with frightened curiosity. I look back at the door before I dare clicking it to see what it is. I gasp in shock; in front of me are pictures of myself… black and white pictures where I’m in the changing room and in the shower… naked! I close my eyes with the hope that when I open them the pictures have just disappeared, but when I open them again the pictures are still there and I start to tremble. This can’t be real, this can’t be true. Then suddenly a conversation box appears.

Mr. Big Dick: r u back? Did u fuck him? Filmed it?

I almost start to laugh, laugh at the fucked up situation, laugh because I’m scared as hell, laugh because I realise I should have listened to Alex and laugh at the name: Mr. Big Dick.

Mr. Big Dick: that vid with him sucking his bf’s cock was hot, if u have more I want them.

I stare at the received messages, unable to move. Please someone tell me that this is a joke? It has to be a joke, this has to be a bad dream. I stumble back, turn and see Taffy pissing on Stefan’s carpet, She stands, looks at the wet carpet and then at me innocently.
“Shit,” I curse, and close the windows down in panic. Then I try finding some rag to dry the carpet with. I’m shaking all over, cursing, almost crying and laughing at the same time and then I realise I’m just wasting valuable seconds with the carpet and that I need to get out as fast as possible. I need to call Alex.

Just as I’m about to leave, Stefan appears at the doorway.
“Going somewhere?” He asks me.
“I- um, I’m sorry, but Taffy… it was an accident, I was going to get something to clean it with.” Even my voice is shaky. I just want out right at this minute. He looks at the carpet, then at Taffy, his features darkening.
“Fucking dog, I’ve had enough.” He walks towards her and Taffy starts barking, I quickly move in front of her.
“It was an accident, she’s just a puppy… I’ll clean up and then, I think I should go home, I-, I need to work things out with my husband.” He smiles, coming closer.

“Did you use my computer Jonas?” He asks then, touching my cheek, still smiling.
“No, I-…”
“Don’t lie to me, I know you did because the screen is on.”
“Please Stefan…” He leans closer and I can feel his breathing on my skin.
“Please what? Please fuck you?”
“No!” I try to move away , but he grasps me tightly, pulling me back to himself and kisses me harshly. I struggle in his hold while Taffy is barking her brains out.
“I want you, I want to fuck you. You’ll soon forget all about Alex.” He whispers licking my ear. And I cry out in panic, which makes Taffy to jump on Stefan’s leg and bite him, trying to defend me, to save me. Stefan shouts in pain and kicks her; I hear her howl.
“Don’t!” I push Stefan away from me and try to get to Taffy before he does, worried of the damage that his kick could have done. Stefan is faster, he lifts her up, carries her outside the room, leaves her there and locks us in the bedroom.
“You bastard! She’s is just a small dog!” I scream at him. Stefan laughs darkly, grasps me, pulls me full against himself, my back against his chest.

“Now, let’s watch that movie like we agreed. Let’s watch some porn, yeah?” He forces me to move whit him to the computer. Turning the screen towards the bed, picking up some DVD and putting it in. I feel his hard, heavy breathing against my neck and he moves his crotch better against me, I feel his hardness. He fixes the web cam.
“Let’s give my online friend a live show while we’re at it.” He whispers and I can’t believe that I’ve gotten myself into such a situation again. I think I’m the worst judge of character alive on this planet.

He pushes me towards the bed. Forces me to lie on it on my back.
“Stefan no, stop, please stop, I’m married!” He laughs.
“Oh come on I know what you are; you told me yourself; a slut. You want this, I’ve seen the way you look at me, the way you talk to me. You want me.” I hear Taffy’s barking, I hear her trying to scratch through the door, she can't help me. Then I remember the woman.
"Help!" I scream desperately, hoping that she'd hear me. Stefan laughs again, pressing himself against me, fighting to get me undressed. "Help!" I scream again and Stefan slaps me hard.
"She won't come here Jonas, not if she wants to keep her job and I think she will. Scream all you want, but she won't come."



He forces my head to the side so I can see the computer scene, where the porn is played; a young man and two older men, the young one is fighting as they undress him.
“Maybe this will get you to the right mood.” Stefan whispers. I feel sick, why didn’t I listen to Alex? Why didn’t I believe when my husband tried to warn me?


**^^**^^**^^**^^**^^**

Alex:

I’m such an arse. I am the biggest idiot alive, a jerk. I hate myself right now and I can’t believe I just acted like that, that I said those words to him, to my husband. Now Jo is out there alone, without money.

When he left, I was so pissed off, it took me an hour, almost two, to calm down and realize the mistake I made.


“I cheated on Henri with you; you who knew that I was taken! I don’t remember it stopping you then, I don’t remember you complaining.” His words are left to repeat in my mind.
“I cheated on Henri with you” And my mind keeps coming back to that night, that first night with him.


His laughter, how he kissed me, how his body trembled in anticipation and want, the small fear of the first time.
“I’ve never done this before.” I remember him whispering after he had agreed to bottom.
“Never? You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”
“I want this, I’d tell you if I didn’t. Gods my boyfriend would kill me if he’d knew what I’m about to do, he’s begged this from me for so long.” He chuckled, and moaned as I kissed his neck.
“I won’t tell him, don’t want you dead.”
“Comforting to know.” Again he had laughed. He ripped my shirt from the middle, breaking some of my buttons, but I didn’t care. He kissed me and all I could think was that he’s the most beautiful creature that I had ever had the chance to hold and I still think the same way. I thought that I could never have him, I thought I’d lose him the next morning, but I had him, I have him as my husband and now I might have ruined the best thing I’ve ever had because of my stupid jealousy.

I sit in front of the computer. I tried calling Jo but he hang up on me and after that his phone was closed. He must be really mad at me and I can’t blame him. I worry. I sign up in to my messenger and see Riku, Jo’s friend online.
Alex: Hi
Riku: Hello, what’s up?
Alex: Joonas and I had a fight, he walked out and I can’t reach him…
Riku: What did you fight about?
Alex: Silly stuff, you know… Uh anyway I’m just really worried.
Riku: I can try calling him. But knowing Jon, he’ll be back once he’s calmed down. He does that you know, not the first time, that he’s ran out after a fight. Then he realises how stupid he is and comes back, lol. That’s Joonas for you alright.
Alex: Okay, thanx. By the way, has Jo ever talked to you about Stefan?
Riku: he’s mentioned him few times yes.
Alex: Well I worry that Stefan has his eyes on Jo, and Jo doesn’t see it.
Riku: The fight was about him right?
Alex: Yeah.
Riku: Well from what Jon has told me, I kind of got the same suspicion, my friend is so blind at times and he said I was wrong when I asked if this Stefan guy was coming on to him, he said that there was nothing but friendship. He’s a blond, a very confused and very blue eyed blond, lol

Riku: Uh, should I start worrying too? Please let me know when he gets back?
Alex: Of course I will, I think I’ll go search for him now.
Riku: Ok, talk to you later then.
Alex: yes, bye!
Riku: Bye!


After my talk with Riku I know Jo is innocent. My poor baby, I truly can find no excuse for what I said to him. What if he went to Stefan? I wonder and I remember the odd feeling I had that night when I returned into the guestroom. Then I remember being with him in that changing room, where he gave me that blow job and I remember the suspicious thing I noticed there and still I’m puzzled of what it could be. Then a thought hits me; a camera? Could it be a video camera? Could it be that Stefan has used it to film my husband in secret?! Oh I kill that snake!

I give another try to call Jo, but the phone is still off, then I try Stefan’s, but of course he’s not answering. Fuck. I must go there this instant, I must find Jo!
 

Chapter 11.

I scream out, Stefan lying between my thighs, successfully pinning me on the bed, his hands moving my shirt up.
“Come on Jonas, come on; stop fighting, I know you want this just as bad as I want this.” He murmurs into my ear. My lips tremble, I tremble, tears in my eyes, I don’t want this, not again, not when I was so happy.
“Let me go, please,” I beg him weakly.
He has my shirt up, his lips on my nipples and I grasp his arms, squeezing them and trying to get his hold on me to loosen, trying to push him off, but he’s stronger and it is as if he doesn't even notice how I want to get away, or most likely he just doesn’t care.

He laughs as he finally takes my hands, forcing them above my head, keeping them there by holding my wrists with his other hand. His free hand moves to open my pants and when they are open, he moves it under my boxers to feel my genitals. He groans, his breathing heavy and the unwelcome hand feels rough and uncaring; he’s hurting me and I cry, squirming helplessly.

“Look Jonas, look at the porn, isn’t it hot? Wouldn’t you want to be fucked like that?” He breathes out, forcing me to look at it with him. The young man is being fucked by the other two and it doesn’t seem like he would be enjoying it, it looks like forced and I can’t be sure if the video is real or fake. I feel sick in my stomach. I have been there at that man’s place and no, it is not something one can enjoy, it’s violence, the worst kind of violence.

My body once again refuses to respond to his attempts to get me turned on, he’s being too rough and I find it even hard to breathe, let alone get aroused by this. I just want home to my husband, if only I would have listened to his doubts and his warnings, if only…

“Aren’t you turned on?” He’s massaging me; demanding, angry, I just shake my head. “You’ll enjoy this, I fucking make you enjoy this,” His voice is thick, filled with lust that has made his eyes dark. Suddenly he’s biting my hip, biting and sucking and I cry out in surprise. His lips move on my right nipple, which he takes between his teeth and pulls. I trash out in pain. My back arches and I try to move up as he pulls. Stefan laughs and does the same to the other and the he moves on my neck, sucking marks there. I can’t help but cry, feeling weak and helpless, still hearing Taffy on the other side of the door, barking, scratching. She hasn’t given up on me and every time I scream, she howls in response.

“What do you think Alex says when he sees these?” Stefan suddenly asks and he looks with admiration at the bruises he has already marked me with. I close my eyes. Alex already thinks I’m sleeping with Stefan and when he sees me, he sees the proof on my body, and… He’ll hate me forever.

I want to get free, I want home and when Stefan is ripping my shirt, when I hear the fabric tear, I grasp his throat and squeeze. His hand goes to my face, the other tries to free my hold. I kick him on his stomach, he gasps, his hold on me loosens and I let go of his neck to run to the door. I’m holding my pants up, my shirt is a mess and my breathing shaky from the tears I’ve shed.
My hands are trembling so bad that it takes too much time with trying to open the door."Help!" I scream again, but Stefan is soon behind me, his arm goes to my waist just when I got the lock open, but not the door.

“That wasn’t very nice Jonas, was it?” He breathes to my ear, dragging me back to the bed. He lays me down again and I cry helplessly. “Ssh now,” he kisses my cheek, wipes the tears from under my eyes.
“Let… me… go… please.” I look at him in his eyes as I beg, but I see… I see he’s lost all reasoning he simply smiles.
“You will like this, you’re just teasing me, aren’t you? I know you are. You’ll soon forget all about Alex.”
“No, Stefan, no.” And again I try to push him off of me, but it’s no use and he manages to undress my shirt.
“You have such a beautiful body.” He murmurs, running his hands down my skin. I stare at the ceiling, not wanting to be here, not wanting to feel his touches, wanting to escape before the pain comes.

He yanks my jeans off of me, kisses me, holds me. I can feel his hardness. Holding me down with one hand, straddling my body between his thighs, he starts undressing, his eyes on me and he smiles. He smiles as I keep begging him not to do this.

**^^**^^**^^**

Alex:

The taxi ride seemed to take forever, but I finally reach Stefan’s home. I pay the driver in a hurry, walk to the gate, only to find that it’s locked. I look at the house; dark, only some lights upstairs and I try yanking the gate open, no use. I feel it, I know it; my husband is in there and he’s in trouble. He needs me; the feeling is powerful, unlike any other I’ve experienced before.

And I don’t care, I don’t care about anything else but getting to him. To my husband. So I decide to just climb over, it’s not easy, but it’s the love of my life, he’s my whole world, I need him just as much as he needs me.

I walk to the front door determined, angry. I knock at it, ring the bell. “STEFAN!” I call him, looking up at the windows, hoping to see something, anything that would tell me that my worry is needless. I kick the door. “Fuck, open this fucking door!” I shout and kick it again. “Jo?!”

Silence..

I need to get in, I must. I walk to the other side of the house, looking for my way in. The backdoor. I look at the door, taking few deep breaths. Remembering those looks Stefan has given to Jo, the possibility that he has been filming him and I think of my Jo, sweet, blue eyed Jo who just wanted to have a friend. It is all I need to make a decision. I take a stone from the ground and throw it against the glass. I reach to open the door from the hole that the stone made in the glass. I push it open.

When I’m in, I hear Taffy’s barking from upstairs and run towards the sound. When she sees me she stops looking at me and howling pitifully. She then looks at the door again.
“Jo?!” I call for my husband, my hand reaching to the doorknob, I push the door open.

“No…” I gasp looking at the sight in front of me. Stefan is naked, standing at the side of the bed; the bed where my naked, bruised and crying husband lies. Jo’s tear swollen eyes look at me quickly, before he looks away with shame. Only Stefan has a smug expression, he’s smiling, the god damned snake is smiling.
“I was right, he was tight.” He says, and it is all it takes for me to lose it completely. I charge towards him.
“What the fuck did you do to him?! You fucking snake! You God damned prick!” I squeeze his throat wanting to kill him, really kill him. Stefan struggles in my hold, making choking sounds, scratching my hands.
“Alex… Alex…” It’s Jo’s weak voice that calls me. I look at him; he’s trying to sit up, pained expression on his face, pale. “Let go... Not… worth killing, not worth going to jail.” He tells me and glancing at Stefan with anger I let go of him reluctantly. Stefan massages his sore throat.

I walk to the bed helping Jo to get up and dress his clothes back on. Silent tears in his eyes, pain. So much pain I swallow thickly, it hurts me to see him like this and suddenly I feel scared of tomorrow, of what the following days would bring. Anger, so much anger in me. It is something I can’t quite understand. What has just happened? I question myself.

“I fucking will get you in jail for this Alex!” Stefan hisses suddenly with a hoarse voice. I turn around to face him. Oh he fucking did not just say that??!
“You will get me in jail?? You will be the one who will find himself there, you… you…” I point my finger at him, glancing quickly at Jo. “You raped my husband, you sick bastard!”
“Oh he wanted it, didn’t you Jonas? Wasn’t it the best fuck you’ve ever had?” Stefan asks smugly looking towards Jo. And that’s when I punch the snake’s face, he cries out, blood oozing from his nose. And yet I do not feel any satisfaction, anger hasn’t left me.

“You broke into my house Alex, you assaulted me, I will not leave it like this! Do you hear me Alex!” Stefan screams as I lead my husband away from this evil place, Taffy in my other arm.
“Do you hear me Alex!?” I turn my head and see him at the doorway of his room.
“And you hear me Stefan; do not think you’ll get away with what you did to Jo, we’ll see who ends up in jail.” I state with much more calmer voice than what I feel.

We get a taxi quite fast, I help Jo in and get in after him.
“Where to?” The cab driver asks. I glance at Jo, who looks out of the window and I can’t see his face.
“To the nearest police station.” I tell to the driver. I move to sit next to Jo on the middle seat, I place my hand on his shoulder; he startles a bit and looks at me, his lips trembling. “Honey, we need to go to the police,” I tell him. He looks out of the window again and I see him close his eyes.

“I feel so dirty.” He whispers so quietly I almost fail to hear him and I want to say something to comfort him, but I have no idea what I could say. “I got you in trouble Alex, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I was so stupid. You were right all the time and I can’t believe I was so stupid again. I’ll never forgive myself if…” He cries then. I pull him towards me; he hides his face against my chest.

“Jo, it’s alright, Stefan is the one who did wrong, not you, not I. Everything will work out, I promise.” He stays quiet, tears falling from his eyes. I wish this would be just a bad dream and I know its not and we’ll just have to deal with what is to come.

We reach the station, I pay the driver and we get up, Jo looks scared as he looks at the building. I walk over to him and take his hand in mine.
“It will be alright Jo, I’ll be with you, I won’t let go. We’ll get through this together.” I assure him. He looks at me and nods his head. We walk in, Jo’s steps become slower as the man at the front desk looks at us. “Come, it’s alright. We need that snake to take the responsibility for what he did to you.” He takes a deep breath, we reach the desk.

“We would like to report a rape.” I tell the man, who looks at me first and then at Jo seeing the sucking marks on his neck, a bruise on his cheek, slightly swollen lips. Jo looks down at the floor. The man takes out some papers.
“When did this happen? This is the victim?” He nods his head toward Jo.
“Yes, it happened only… less than an hour ago I imagine.”
“And he hasn’t showered after? The clothes that he’s wearing now, are they the same?” I’m glad that the conversation is happening in German. Jo looks everywhere, but at the man.

“Look, I got there just when it had happened, so yes, no shower, no changing clothes.” I feel slightly agitated and it can be heard in my voice.
“We need to check you up, son, you will be questioned.” The man sounds bored somehow and he’s addressing Jo. “Boy, can you hear me?” He asks, before I have time to say anything in between. “What is your name boy?”
“He can’t understand German,” I tell the man, hissing more like it, I do not like the sound of the man’s voice.
“A foreigner? Well then, you tell me his name.”
“Joonas Bristow.” I send dagger glares at the man who obviously can’t sympathise. He still sounds bored.
“Age?” The man continues with a sigh.
“20,”
“And country?”
“Well, he’s Finnish, but… He’s my husband, so he has resident permit here.” The man raises his eyebrow.
“Husband, eh?”
“Yes, we are married.” I don’t understand why these questions need to be asked here.
“And what is your name?”
“Alex Bristow, age 22, what else?”
“Home address and phone number?” I tell him what he asks and watch him write the facts down.
“Well, the next thing is that your, er, husband… will be examined, you know; we need to check if there’s some bruising, collect DNA and what not… So, just wait here for a bit.” The man sighs and stands up, leaving us for a minute.

Jo looks at me.
“What’s going to happen?” His voice is small.
“They are going to have a doctor check you up.” I tell him with a calm voice; his eyes go big. The man comes back with another officer who tells us to follow him. I take Jo’s hand in mine. “It will be over soon,” I whisper.

I wait outside as the doctor examines my husband. I have Taffy in my arms, I stroke her fur; it seems to take forever even though in reality the time is not that long. I don’t really want to think of the true reason of why I’m here now, no, why we are here. It seems so unreal.

And finally they are done. He has had an anal intercourse, he has bruising and small tearing inside, nothing serious, he’ll just be sore for some time; that is what they tell me.

They ask Jo to tell his side of what happened. They ask if he knew the man who did it; he quietly tells them that it was his friend. He tells them how he got to his place, tells them how he found some pictures on Stefan’s computer. After that it gets harder for him to tell and harder for me to listen.

Do we want to press charges, they ask. I answer before Jo has time; hell yes. But in the end it’s up to Jo, and quietly he tells them ‘yes’. We are free to leave, but the true hell is only starting for us.
 

Chapter 12.

Joonas


I don’t want to think, I don’t want to see, I want to run. I want to hide, curl up in safety, where no one can reach me but Alex. I don’t want to remember, but it is a non-stopping repeat in my head, a non-stopping film of what happened, and it is as if his lips are still on my skin, his taste in my mouth, his… him inside me and I hear the groans, I hear them over and over again and I want to scream I want to run. I feel so stupid, why? Why?? Why was I so stupid? Why did it happen… Why did it happen to me again? I was sure I couldn’t have such bad luck, I was sure no one could, oh how wrong I was.

At the police station I feel so small and lost. People, voices, I can’t understand, so lost, so out of place. I have Alex, thank god I have Alex. I fear that he’ll leave me, and I would not know where to turn, don’t leave me, please.

The man at the front desk looks at me, he doesn’t like me. I’m disgusting, dirty, I want to go away, I don’t want to be here. I really don’t want to be here.

I look at Alex once the man leaves.
“What’s going to happen?” I ask him, scared out of my mind.
“They are going to have a doctor to check you up.” He tells me and I swallow. They are going to have me naked, aren’t they? They are going to… I really don’t want to be here, I want home, I want… I want my mom. Suddenly I really want my mother, I want her to come and hold me, kiss me, tell me it is going to be alright and make it better like she did when I was just a boy.

But I follow Alex, he’s holding my hand and I don’t want him to let go. “It will be over soon,” he assures. And they want me to go to the room without him. Reluctantly I let go of his hand, stepping in the room where a woman and a mad dressed in white coats wait. They talk in German together, the woman tells me then in English to undress, she is smiling gently.

And I hate every minute of the examination, it’s so humiliating and I feel like some strange, fascinating object as I am told to lie down and the woman starts checking up my abused bum. They talk in German, the man is there too and he takes his turn to look at me. The woman places her hand on my naked thigh.

“It’s alright, calm down, it won’t take long.” She whispers gently, stroking my thigh and I want to tell her to take her hand off and I want for the man to stop what ever he is doing. “You might feel a little pain now, just try to stay calm, breathe.” A little pain? Lady: I am already in pain. And then I winch as I am being poked with something in there; the bitch! It hurts. I cry out a little. And again she strokes my thigh, holding it actually so I can’t close my legs like I would want to.
“Shhh…” She says, I guess she is trying to calm me, but I want her to stop touching me!

"We are going to take some pictures of your bruises if you agree? Evidence purpose." The woman tells me. I can only just nod my head even though I hate the idea of them taking pictures.

And then it’s over and they let me dress up. Another room, new faces, cops. They want me to tell them what happened. And I do, feeling like I’m in some kind of weird dream. And I fear, the ordeal of being raped is horrid enough and then this. I feel exhausted, when will this end? I want to go home and I want to continue my life with Alex, wipe this night off, start fresh. I want to forget this ever happened.

**^^**

The cab ride home, silence between us. I was an idiot and I blame myself. Again the memories force themselves inside my mind.

His cock against my naked skin, breathing, his fingers in, lube. He’s impatient.
“Yes, fuck yes, want it in? Tell me you want my hard cock in your tight ass… Look at my cock; bigger than Alex’s; yeah?”

Naked body on top of my own, thrusting in, moving, slapping sound, moaning. “So tight, oh fucking hell… Jonas, so good, fucking feels so good. Baby...” My hands on his chest, weakly pushing him.
“Stop, stop, please stop… Get off, stop.” He doesn’t stop, the moaning doesn’t stop, the slapping, the pain, the howling. It doesn’t stop.

The lights go on in the hall. I undress my coat, it’s almost morning. I kick off my shoes.
“Will you give Taffy something to eat? I’ll go and shower.” I ask quietly from my husband.
“Of course,” he answers.

I walk into the bathroom. Undress slowly, my head is aching. I just have to go on, it happened, and now… Now I just, I just take a shower, wash myself, and dress on a pyjama, then I go to sleep and then, then life just goes on. I can deal with this, I got over it before, and now… I just carry on. The idea seems good. But why do my eyes still sting? Why do the images keep coming back? I shake my head, concentrate, think of happy things. First time I won a swimming competition, the first time my parents allowed me and my sister to stay home by ourselves when they went out of town. How fun we had eating junk food, throwing the clothes on the floor and watching telly for many hours. How grown up we felt then and how very childish we were in reality.

Cold night, winter in the forest, I felt tired, it was night, Miika took my hands and held them inside his owns. He leaned over to kiss me. “I’ve wanted to do that for so long,” He whispered, licking his lips, a smile on his face. “I’m sorry Joonas, please don’t hit me.” It was my first kiss with another man and I thought it had been perfect.
“Do that again.” I had asked him, surprising him.

Alex, summer, I want to go back in time, change the things that went wrong. Erase what happened with Henri. Erase this night. I can’t get clean, I am so dirty and I am to blame.

“I fucking will get you in jail for this Alex!”

I am to blame, I’ve ruined everything. Alex was better off without me. I can’t do anything right. I want to forget.

And I get up from the shower, dry myself up and dress a bathrobe on. I grit my teeth: Have to go on, have to be strong.

“Did you feed Taffy?” I ask Alex getting in the kitchen. I pour some water into the water heater. And I feel his eyes on me.
“I did yes, but Ho-?“
“Would you like some tea?” I ask before he has time to finish, I am trying my best to stay strong, must stay strong.
“Jo…” His hand on my shoulder, I close my eyes.
“I think I should start working on my German, I need to learn it, I’ve been stalling far too long.”

He is silent, I take two bags of tea and put them in two cups. I pour the hot water in them and take the milk, hand the other cup to my husband.



Alex:

Getting home; feels odd to come home now. Nothing is the same. Future looks foggy and I know there is a long, hard journey ahead of us. All I would like to do is to erase this whole night, if only I could go back to the moment when I came home from work. If only I could take back the words I said, it could be different now, we could be sleeping in our bedroom, lying in each other’s arms.

Instead we are here. My husband was just raped, by that snake. And I had promised myself to protect him, I failed him and myself. The thought of Stefan’s hands on Jo, the thought of him forcing himself in him. It is too much, too much, I want Stefan’s blood. I want his dick cut off, I want his eyes digged out, I want them to burn his remaining parts.

For a while both of us try to go on as if nothing has happened, Jo goes to shower, I feed Taffy. Jo told me Stefan had kicked her, but she seems to be alright. Nevertheless, I decide to let the vet check her the next day, just in case. And while Jo is showering I have time to think and the images of Stefan raping him fill my mind, God I hate my imagination at times.

I wonder if the police have gone to his place already, I hope they have, I want him to get what he deserves.

When Jo comes back, he asks if I fed her. I look at the bruises on him, seeing them more clearly now and it makes me so sad. There is no denying what happened, I see the marks, I see them when I look at him. And he tries so hard, tries to act like nothing has happened and I want to cry: Joonas, my darling, we can’t pretend. Everything has changed now and we can’t go back to what was. Tomorrow won’t make it better, nor the day after that nor the day after that.

I blame myself, I failed him. I failed us. And when he starts preparing tea I walk behind him, place my hand on his shoulder. Speak out his name.

“I think I should start working on my German, I need to learn it, I’ve been stalling far too long.”

Jo, what are we going to do? I know I should be strong now, but it feels so… It feels so hard and I don’t know what I should say, what I should do? How can I fix this?

I take the cup he gives me, watch him walk over to the window. Stefan’s hands touching him, fucking him when he asks him to stop; how can I get rid of these images??

I place the cup down.
“We can’t pretend Jo, you were raped, my school friend raped you. We can’t go on like it didn’t happen.” I say out loud, his back is turned towards me. He drinks from his cup, not answering.
“Jo? We need to face it.”
“Why?” His voice is like a whisper and I walk behind him, turn him around and hug him.

“I love you, l love you, love you.” I keep whispering and that is when he finally breaks and he cries.
“Why me? Why again? I don’t understand Alex. I was so stupid.”
“No, you weren’t stupid, don’t ever think that you did something wrong. You had faith in people, you thought they could be good and I hate him for taking that from you, but I swear he will pay. I swear.”
And we both cry. “We will win this darling, I know it.” I whisper.
“It feels so bad, it hurts so much.” He tells me.
“I know, but we will win this Jo, together, I promise.”
“I love you Alex.”
“I know, I love you too what ever will come, I’ll be with you. We will make it, together.” I promise, and I know we can, as long as we are together. We can’t let that snake win.

Chapter 13.

Stefan:

I take some ice and wrap it inside of a towel which I then use to ease my nosebleed. I curse Alex in my mind, walking back towards my room.

The bedsheets are a mess, small traces of blood on the white and when I look at it, when I remember it, I can’t help but to smile. I sit down in front of the computer. It felt good, it felt fucking amazing. I don’t think I’ve ever felt such power before, one can really get addicted to it.

I look at my bare arms and see the scratching marks on my skin. I think how blue his eyes got when he was crying, I’ve never seen such blue eyes before. He was so warm and tight, it was worth the punch I got. I squeeze my organ through my sweatpants, thirsty for more, thirsty of the same power I had over him. The power I have over them.

It’s not over yet, Alex. The look on your face when you saw us; it was priceless.

I want to hurt Alex even more now. I almost want to laugh and in my mind I am already plotting the ways of how things will go my way. I want to have him again, I want Alex to see it. Oh, how wicked it would be to have him there to watch the whole thing?

A messenger box pops out, I grin when reading it.

Mr. Big dick: It was fucking hot

Darkersoul: Watched the whole thing?

Mr Big Dick: Yes, saved it too, do you mind?

Darkersoul: nah, of course not… His fucking bf punched me, he broke in here.

Mr Big Dick: He saw u?

Darkersoul: Yes. But I will make him pay.

Mr Big Dick: Was it as good as it looked like? I came all over my hand when watching.

Darkersould: He was tight, it felt fucking great. Gonna get a drink now…


I stand up and decide to take a quick shower before going to get a drink from my father’s bar cabinet. And as I start to entertain myself with the thought of Jonas, my cock stirs up again. I want more.

**^^**^^**^^**

8.30 am, the housekeeper wakes me.
“Mr Hayner sir, there are some officers downstairs asking for you,” Zofia tells me apologetically for waking me. I grumble and get up from my bed, I take out fresh clothes to wear and start dressing. Fuck, so they did go to the cops…

“Wash the sheets,” I tell her and smirk when seeing her eyes widen from the signs of blood. She nods and takes the sheets without a word. I know she heard everything that happened here. “If they ask you questions about last night, you will tell them that he was here by his own free will, that you saw or heard nothing that would… Well I trust that you understand, it would be a shame Zofia, if you were to lose your job. My father could easily make sure that you won’t get another anytime soon either. Do you understand?” I look at her firmly and she nods her head slowly.
“Will there be anything else young Mr Hayner?”
“If you don’t get the blood out, then just burn the sheets.” I tell her and leave the room. Two officers are waiting for me down at the hall.


“Stefan Hayner?” The older and bulkier officer asks.

“Yes,”

“We need you to come to the station with us, you’ve been charged with a sexual assault.”
“You are better be joking me,” I look at them,
“Please dress your coat on and come with us,” they insist.
“This is outrageous!” I hiss and take my coat. You’ve really declared war Alex and war is what you shall get.

**^^**^^**^^**

They bring me into the questioning room.
“This is going to be recorded.” They inform me and press the small recorder device on.
“My father will not be happy when hearing about this. You do know who my father is?” I ask them.
“Yes, we know Mr. Hayner… Do you know Joonas Bristow?” I roll my eyes at them.
“Yes I know him.”
“Was Mr. Bristow at you house yesterday evening?”
“Yes, he was.” No point in lying about it, the fewer lies, the easier.
“You are being accused of rape, by Mr Bristow, do you admit the crime that you’ve being charged of?”
“Rape?! No! I did not rape him! For goodness sake, that’s what he’s telling?”
“Do you admit on having sexual intercourse with him? We can take your DNA to compare it to the one found from Mr. Bristow.”
“We did have sex.” I tell them. “But it was not a rape, he wanted it, he was the one to initiate it.”

They look at me and then at the papers in front of them.
“Mr Bristow sees it differently. He had some severe bruising, small tearing in anal area, bruises on his hips and thighs… shall I go on?” Before I have time to answer, the other officer continues.
“Wrap your sleeves up and show us your arms.” I do as he tells me and he sees the scratching marks on me.

“Jonas loves violent sex, what can I say?… Look…” I sigh then. “I’ve had an affair with him. He moved here this fall with Alex, he hasn’t done any work here, not even one day. Alex, has to do long days to support the two of them and well… I could see that he was lonely, so I offered him my friendship, he visited my house often, I visited theirs… Soon enough he started flirting with me, what was I to do?… I did try to resist him, but he kept coming onto me…. I am not proud of myself, but he is quite pretty boy you know… So I just, one night… I’m just a man and I gave in! I dare say that many would have in my shoes!” I look at them, the looks on their faces and continue. “When Jonas met Alex, he was with someone else and he told it to me himself; he’s been with lots of different guys. He loves sex, that boy really loves sex. Anyway…last night he came over again, they had had a fight with Alex and asked if he could stay. We had sex and then, right in the middle of it, his husband rushes in and started accusing me of raping his husband, Joonas started to cry and Alex punched my face! My nose almost got broken!” I point at my face, gesturing the injury there.
“Alex Bristow, broke into my family’s house and assaulted me only because his husband doesn’t want to keep his pants on. They charge me of rape, well then, I charge Alex for breaking an entry!”

The men look at each others. I lean back on my chair, my hands on the table.
“Either you let me leave now or should I call my father?”

**^^**^^**^^**^^**^^**


Alex:

I watch him silently. Jo’s sitting in front of the TV, on the couch, wrapped inside of a blanket, a yogurt can in his hands that he’s been eating for good half an hour already. Taffy snuggled close to him.
“He’s at the police station now, I think.” I break the silence looking at the time; almost 2pm. He looks at me quickly and nods his head, biting his lip. He dips his fingers in the yogurt and lets Taffy lick them clean.
“I’m scared,” He whispers finally, repeating to dip his fingers in the yogurt, he doesn’t look at me.
“He won’t hurt you again,”
“That’s what… I thought… Nothing is certain Alex,” Silence. I lean forward, wiping my face, running my fingers through my hair. “He filmed it…” He says suddenly and I snap my head up,
“What?” I almost choke out.
“…The whole thing… his friend…for all I know it could be in the net.” He strokes Taffy’s fur, and I still try to understand the seriousness of his words.
“He did what?” I ask looking at him. I feel angry again, I want to kill that sick son of bitch. “Why didn’t you tell this to the cops?!” I almost shout, not realising how angry I sound and he starts to cry and hides his face in his hands.
“I don’t know, I wasn‘t thinking! I was stupid, I’m so stupid…”
“Jo, I’m sorry. No, it’s okay… We can still tell them. Please don’t cry.” I walk over to him and hug him, he cries against my chest.
“I feel sick… “ He whispers. I stoke his hair.
“Maybe you should go back to try and get some sleep.”
“Maybe…” He stands up with his blanket and walks to the bedroom. Taffy follows him close behind, almost as if she’s scared to have him disappear from her. I let out a deep sigh. It’s not easy, why can’t we get a break?

8pm, a knock on the door. I go and open, surprised of seeing the cops there.
“Alex Bristow?”
“Yes…” I answer and glance at Jo who stands little farther away.
“We have a warrant for your arrest.”
“Excuse me?”
“We’re arresting you for breaking and entry, and for assaulting Mr. Hayner.” I stare at them with my mouth open as my hands are cuffed behind my back and as they read my rights to me.
“You can’t arrest him!” Jo says in panic. “Alex?”
“It will be alright Jo, I’ll straighten this mess up, don’t worry.” The men start taking me away and Jo follows. “Go back inside Jo! Stay there, alright?” And I look back, see him crying and looking so lost there and all I want is to break free and go to his comfort.

I can’t believe that this is happening! I’m being arrested because I wanted to save my husband from that sick, perverted snake! Something is so terribly wrong with this picture, something is wrong with this world.


Joonas:

I go back into the apartment, not quite getting what’s happening and feeling so terribly lost so utterly scared. I sit on the couch of the dark living room, Taffy in my arms and I cry desperately. I have no idea what I should do now. I feel like shit. My own stupidity has brought this upon us, has brought this to him.

I’m still in pain, still bleeding slightly down there and…I cry until it gets hard to breathe. It feels like the walls would be falling down on me, suffocating me. I’m being chased into a corner, I want my husband back, the only person here that I can relay on.

I hear the sounds from the hall, scared out of my mind that Stefan will come and get me now. Alone and vulnerable. My phone rings, I tremble heavily and force myself to answer.
“Hi Jonas, are you alone? I could come to comfort you.” Recognising it as Stefan’s voice I quickly hang up and throw my phone as far as I can.

I go to the bedroom and hide myself under the cover. The sounds, strangers, they are going to get me, he’s going to come. In the end I get myself a knife for my protection, hold it tightly against my chest and listen. My phone rings again somewhere and I try to hide myself better. What can I do? What should I do? Why me, why us? It’s not fair.

Chapter 14.

Alex:

As soon as they let me, I try to give my Jo a call, but he doesn’t answer and I’m really worried, they say Stefan is released before the trial. My bail is too high for myself to pay so in the worst-case scenario, I have to remain locked up until it ends. So that leaves Jo defenseless and alone, I can’t be sure of his safety while Stefan is out. I’ve never been as angry to the whole unfair legal system as I am now.

I make another call to Heike, luckily I can reach her and inform her of the situation. I beg her to go and see how Jo is doing, I beg her to watch after him as much as she can. After she promises to try I feel slightly better, though the worry doesn’t leave me completely. I’m in jail, I never thought I would someday end up in jail. I’m scared as hell, and I don’t know what’s going to happen to me, to us.

**^^**^^**^^**

Joonas:

I made it through the night, but I haven’t slept at all. I’m trembling all over, feeling quite unwell and I still don’t have a clue of what to do next. I sit in the living room, telling myself to keep on breathing, fearing that I might otherwise forget how to do so.

I gaze outside into the morning light and feel such emptiness, my whole body seems to weight a ton and I can’t… I can’t move, I’m breaking, dying. It just feels too much.

Finally, with an effort, I pull myself up and walk over to the door of the balcony, my hand reaches to the handle; so cool against my skin. The cold wind blows against me as I open the door, I welcome the coolness against my skin, just to feel, let me feel. I look down to the street, then high above to the sky, just wanting the answers. Can I get past this? Can I go through this again? And with this new nightmare I am forced to meet with the old one as well. It’s so cold, I’m frozen. I’m standing there barefooted, clad only in t-shirt and sweatpants, wind playing with my hair. Cold and empty. For a moment I hear it’s calling, I hear it, almost reach out for it; it would be so easy and fast, just to end it, wouldn’t have to face what is to come. But that would mean… I close my eyes and see Alex in my mind, I hear his voice and it’s telling me to go back inside before I catch a cold. Love is worth fighting, I will fight for him, for us, for myself. I just… I need… I need to find the answers, the strenght.


I return back inside and collect Taffy in my arms, kissing her fur and I let her lick my face as I sit down with her. I hold on to her, needing the support of this innocent creature, which she so willingly offers. I wish I knew what to do, this country still feels like a stranger to me, especially now that it has taken my husband from me and I don’t know to who I should turn to.

3pm, the doorbell rings, I look at the door in fright. Frozen to my seat. Taffy runs to the door barking. Someone knocks.
“Jonas? Are you there? It’s me Heike, please open.” I stand up carefully and walk warily to the door. Maybe she’s tricking me? Maybe she’s in it with Stefan? Shouldn’t open. I look through the peep hole and see that it really is her. “Alex called me, he told me everything, please Jonas, he asked me to come and see you.” She explains. I open the door but keep the security chain on.

“Hi,” I whisper and look around in the hall, making sure that Stefan isn’t with her, they were friends weren’t they? And from now on, I won’t be so easily fooled, so I doubt everyone, with penis or no penis. “You’re alone?” I ask her.
“Yes,” I finally decide that it’s okay to let her in, after all she’s Alex’s friend too and Alex never said anything bad about her, he liked her, it’s okay.

She steps in and takes her coat of, I hold Taffy in my arms again. She looks at me and I can see her pity, I can she how her eyes take in the bruises on me.
“Are you …OK?” She asks, little awkwardly, I give her a dumb look, I think it’s pretty obvious that I’m anything but OK.
“I’m living,” I decide to answer and walk back into the living room, I sit down in front of the TV and let Taffy down onto the floor.

I watch Heike as she slowly moves in the room, looking at me worriedly, clearly not knowing how to act around my presence now, and I just don’t have the energy to even try to make it easier. It would just feel like pretending. I did like Heike, I have liked her when I’ve talked with her, but we were still just on our way to getting to know each other and she’s more Alex’s friend than mine, more Stefan’s friend than mine, and I still don’t know who’s side she will end up taking. It feels slightly uncomfortable having her here.

“Have you eaten?” She asks. “Because I- I brought food. Alex thought you might need it.” I look at her and see her holding up a plastic back with Chinese take over. “Chicken, rice, and vegetables, you like them right?”

The truth is that food has been farthest in my mind, and only now with the mention of it do I feel hunger. Then it strikes me that my last meal has been almost 24 hour ago and it was… half can of yogurt. Maybe I could try eating? Would it go down?
I stand up carefully.

“Haven’t eaten… thank you…” I tell her and follow her in the kitchen. Then I see Taffy’s empty bowls. OH MY GOD. I’ve forgotten to feed her!! I am a horrible person! I quickly go search for her food and when I see Taffy I start to cry, she bends her head to the side. “I’m so sorry Taffy. Daddy’s so sorry.” I tell her while taking the dog food from the cabinet, my hands tremble and soon enough the kitchen floor is filled with the dry food. I kneel down to try and clean it. I cry even more and the the fact that Heike is there seeing my pitiful act makes it worse.
“Hey, Jonas, it’s alright, I’ll take care of it. You just sit down and eat, okay?” Her voice is gentle and she’s touching my shoulder. She hands me a tissue and I sniff, not daring to look at her.

“Thank you.” I whisper, stand up, and sit in front of the kitchen table. A fork and a glass of water are placed in front of me with he food. I glance at Heike, she offers me a smile and kneels down to take care of the mess I just made, and to make sure that Taffy finally has her meal. I look at the food in front of me and stick my fork in it, the smell makes me feel a little nauseated, but I know I must eat so I carefully bring some into my mouth, chewing carefully.
“How was Alex? When you talked with him?” I ask quietly. Heike stands up after cleaning and sighs.
“Okay, considering the circumstances.” She tells me, I manage to nod my head and as I think of my poor Alex, locked up in some gruesome cell. It’s my fault, all my fault.
“Jonas, it’s okay, Alex is okay, he’s tough, he’ll be home soon, I’m sure.” She assures, taking a seat opposite from me. I nod my head slowly, unable to force anymore food down. “You should eat,” She tells me.
“I can’t…I-, I’ve eaten enough. It’s not good to eat too much when…” I place my fork down and wipe the tears from my eyes.

“Stefan is the one who did wrong Jonas, you have done nothing wrong, remember that, okay?” I look at her; my lower lip is trembling pitifully. “Do you want to talk about it?” She asks, I shake my head quickly as a no. “I understand.” I take a sip of the water then and see how she’s looking at the time, then she sighs.

“I have to go, I would like to stay longer but…” I nod my head to her and try to give some sort of smile, part of me, a big part, would want for her to stay, would want to ask her to stay. I’m scared alone, scared that Stefan will come.
“I understand, thank you again Heike,” I whisper.
“You’ll be alright now?” She asks hesitantly as she stands up. I nod my head.
“I’ll be fine,” I assure her and I want to believe my own words, but it’s hard.

She walks into the hall and I follow her slowly.
“I’ll be back tomorrow, remember to eat okay?” She tells me putting on her shoes. I nod my head.
“Thank you,” I tell her again,
“No problem Jonas and you know you can call me anytime, even at night, if you need anything just call me. Alex is my friend and you are too.” She smiles. Again I nod. I know already that I wouldn’t call her, but the fact that she offers makes me feel good…well, better at least.

And the door closes after her, her steps echoing in the hall, the sound of the elevator. I am alone. Then I hear the small steps behind me and see Taffy, I realise that I’m not alone. Then it hits me; I haven’t taken her out either, whole day… oh God… I start smelling the air, looking around carefully. The bathroom door is open and… Yes… There’s one… Then… I walk in to bedroom, Great; wet carpet. How did I miss that? I glance at Taffy, I need to take her out, don’t I? Then I need to clean. I bite down on my lip. I need to go out.

I dress warmly, putting on my mittens and hat, covering my head with a hood. I put the leash on Taffy and carefully, gathering up the courage, I step out to the hall, press the elevator button, Taffy in my arms. And as I’m standing in the elevator, I remember how it felt to be pressed against the wall by Alex. I remember the summer, it feels like a life time ago, but I remember the very first ride up to this elevator. I remember how it felt to be touched by him, I felt so alive then, nothing was holding me back, I went for what I wanted. Stranger, beautiful stranger, that’s what he was back then. If I close my eyes I can almost feel him next to me, his hungry lips against my skin… Love in his eyes when he…

I step out, to the darkening evening. I don’t want to go out too far from the building, so I stay as near as possible. I know I need to take her out to a long walk sooner or later. I look around me to the tall buildings, watching the lights on the windows and the shadows that passes. Happy couples, happy families, and here I am in the cold with her. And I can’t really feel anything besides the cold.

I walk with her, following in a haze, step by step, trying not to think, not wanting to think. I forget, forget to pay attention and a hand closes in on my mouth, takes a hold of my waist, his smell fills my nostrils, his breathing on my ear. “Did you miss me? Jonas,” No, No, why me?? And he pushes me against a tree trunk, “Shhh… I just want to talk with you.” He whispers, I struggle in his hold, Taffy growls at him baring her teeth’s.

“Let me go!” I try to shout but it’s more like a pitiful whimper. His hands are on me and he’s too close, all what happened two nights before comes rushing back to me.
“Aw, you know you liked it, don’t deny it.” he whispers, his hand in my hair, he tries to kiss me but I manage to avoid it. “Just one taste of you can drive a man insane,” He murmurs.
“Stop it,”I struggle, crying now.
“I’ll drop the charges Jonas, if you drop yours, if you give your body to me, as often as I like and in the ways I like. Give that to me and I’ll save your husband from jail… I have the best of lawyers, you can’t win, say no and Alex will end up in jail, I’m sure he’d got plenty of company there, especially after they find out that he’s wedded to a boy like you. ” Stefan taunts running his hands on my body and finally I can’t stand it. I raise my hand and slap his face hard, hard enough to allow me the escape I need. I collect Taffy in my arms and run to the safety of the apartment building, hurrying until I’ve locked both myself and Taffy inside. I lean against the door, trying to breath, tears falling down without control. I can’t do it, I cannot be his whore, and yet… what if it’s true, what if it is the only way?

It is then that my phone rings.

I shakily walk over to get it, to see who it is; my mother.
“Hello,” I answer trying to swallow my tears down,
“Why haven’t you been answering, I’ve been worried, I’ve tried several times.” I lean against the wall and close my eyes, trembling all over and I can’t find my voice. “Joonas? Sweetheart? Is something wrong?” I slide against the wall to the floor on my knees and small cry escapes from my lips. “Sweetheart, what’s happened? Are you crying?” and hearing her question makes me cry loudly, uncontrollably. How can I tell her. “Joonas tell me, has someone hurt you?”
“I was… I was raped…” I finally manage to splutter out. For a moment it’s quiet and nothing but my own crying can be heard.
“W-what? What did you say?”
“He raped me! Couldn’t get away…I couldn’t…”
“Alex?”
“No, no…” I shake my head violently. “Not him… Mom… I’m scared… don’t want to be alone, he’s out there,” I cry like a child.
“Sweetheart, it’s okay... shh… I’ll come as soon I can Joonas, okay?” I nod my head without realising first that she can’t see me.
“O-okay…” I whisper then.

**^^**^^**^^**

Almost 24 hours later she’s with me. I open the door, she places her bags down on the floor and without a word she pulls me into her arms, letting me cry against her chest, stroking my hair, kissing my head.
“I tried to hurry,” She whispers. I nod my head. “Come sweetheart,” She guides me to the couch and sits me down. She’s kneeling in front of me, her hand on my cheek, a frown on her face as she carefully studies my bruises. “Have you eaten?” She asks me,
I shake my head.
“The food doesn’t keep down.” I whisper.
“I’ll make you something, you lay down and rest.” She arranged some pillows and as I lay down she covers me with a blanket and kisses my forehead gently. I hear her moving around in the apartment. I her her checking the cabinets and the fridge. Then she moves in the hall and soon enough she returns to me.

“I brought you some chocolate and rye bread. Have some chocolate first.” She gives me few pieces, then she turns the TV on and places a DVD inside the player. It’s my favorite Finnish comedy. I look at her and smile gratefully, this was just what I needed, and suddenly I feel safe and warm, better. She fixes me some rye bread sandwiches and brings them to me on a plate together with a glass of milk. She sits down on an armchair.
“You have to tell me sweetheart,” She tells me with soft voice. I swallow a piece of bread down.
“I thought he was a friend… Alex… he came to my help and now he’s in jail.”

I glance at her, seeing her tightened lips and the worry in her eyes as she looks at me, the anger that the sight of my bruises give her.
“It was a mistake of letting you here, I should take you back home with me.” She says half loudly.
“Mom… I love Alex…There’s going to be a trial… I can’t leave and even if I could, I’m not leaving Alex.” I tell her with an exhausted voice.
“Who did this to you?” She asks me. I close my eyes, tears falling down. She stands up and kneels beside me, wiping my tears away.
“Mom… I want Alex… Help us… Help him, please.” I beg her.
“Shh… I’ll see what I can do, I promise. Where is he?” I open my eyes to look at her and take a deep breath. I tell her what I can, relieved when she promises me to go to the police station the first thing in the morning, and in her eyes I see that she’ll take care of it. I close my eyes, finally feeling safe enough to sleep. My mother is here; she’ll make it better.

Web published: My Secret Shore

© KOLGRIM 2006 - 2007

Happy Ever After? Ch 15

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