CHAPTER 18.

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He wasn’t able to sleep, wasn’t able to bear the thought of going away and leaving him, he wasn’t sure how he would be able to go back to his life of solitude and loneliness, looking at the boy made his heart ache; he would have to be strong. It wouldn’t matter if he least knew that would be happy, he wanted to see those blue eyes light up again, wanted to see that sweet innocent smile grace his soft full lips, but there was no happiness, only sorrow, even when Olavi smiled the sorrow remained which made the thought of leaving even harder.



It seemed unfair, cruel… The time was running out and they’d be on their separate ways, Alexander didn’t want to be selfish and ask the boy to reconsider, risk everything to be with him, he would go if his love so wished, but he would go with a heavy heart.





**^^**^^**^^**



Olavi sat in front of the table staring across to Anton who was busy stuffing the food in his mouth and giving glances towards Aino. It had been only few hours since they had arrived and already Anton’s presence in the room weighted him. He had never been comfortable around his stepbrother, especially after seeing how he was looking at his sister, he knew Aino sensed it too, he could clearly see how tense she was, staring down at her plate and avoiding in her best ability the all too curious eyes.



His parents were worried, they knew he had been hurt but Olavi felt thankful that they didn’t know how badly. He worried that they would blame him; think he was disgusting which was how he felt to be. They were so considerate and polite; he could feel their occasional glances cast towards him, the thoughtful expressions that rested on their faces.



”We renovated your room while you were away,” Mirja his adopted mother spoke; Olavi glanced at her and gave a tired smile.

”You didn’t have to do that,” he spoke quietly.

”We wanted to, as a present for your school success. You’ll be attending to one of the finest schools in Stockholm; it’s something to be proud of.”



Olavi looked down at his plate, moving his food around more than eating it, he knew he should be proud and happy, but...He would go to that school, finish it and move to university to study economics after which he could work in his adopted father’s business. He could find a wife and they would have children, he would work everyday regular hours and get paid…



He though back at first meeting with Alexander… He thought about his own dreams that felt so impossible now, he had been foolish, hadn’t he? And for that foolishness of daring to dream outside the box had caused him his misery. It was too complicated to think… But he did love Alexander…



He looked out through the window, lost in his thoughts. Alexander would be leaving soon, a week maybe and no more, the renovation would be ready and there would not be excuses to stay. Olavi still didn’t see how he could give such an excuse, he felt afraid, terrified even of the future. If Alexander hadn’t been with Elias, if he himself hadn’t been raped, then maybe… It had been so much easier then, before everything revealed, before he had been attacked… He almost smiled bitterly thinking back how naive he had been, his innocent believes that life might work out, that love would work between them if they wanted, but now…



If they would try and if they were found out they would be hurt, both of them… And Aino? It would affect her as well, wouldn’t it? It would affect so many; the people who raised him and… with Alexander they would have to run to be together, they could not stay here, not in this country… It would have to be some place no one would know them… Paris? The voice inside his mind carefully whispered the suggestion… Study art, study the language… LIVE!



He shook his head little absently, confused over his thoughts, how can I? It’s too big of a risk, I can not leave, I can not be selfish anymore…He argued back to the voice … selfish? When have you been selfish?



“Is everything alright dear? You look a bit pale.” Mirja’s voice snapped him from his thoughts, he smiled carefully.



“I’m alright mother, just a bit tired, that’s all.” He explained, shifting slightly feeling uncomfortable when Anton stared at him, he knew how the older boy hated when he called them; mother and father, how Anton felt he had no such right, yet at the same time the parents insisted upon it.



“You should try to eat more; you’ve gotten skinnier this summer.”



Olavi simply nodded with a vague smile over his lips.



“Well when we get back home I’ll be sure to get you back to your health.”



Aino glanced at him, reached for his hand under the table and squeezed gently; it always made him feel better.





**^^**^^**^^**





Aino walked along the shore gazing towards the horizon, wondering about things, mostly her brother and his relationship with Alexander.



“What is right?” She whispered wrapping her arms around herself and felt the soft caress of the late summer breeze upon her face. “Should they be together?” She sighed and sat down on the sand. “I wonder how you would feel Elias, our little brother loves him and now he’s miserable because he will leave soon …” She looked down at the sand and began to draw small circles. She felt the cold draft pulling closer, wrapping around her and closed her eyes, “But how can I part from him?” a cold touch on her shoulder somehow comforting and familiar; she smiled but did not open her eyes. “You think he’d protect him?” The wind moaned its whisper, the touch moved over her cheek where a tear hand landed. “I miss you…” Aino whispered and for awhile it felt warmer and safe, for awhile it felt like being a little girl again wrapped in his older brother’s arms and she could almost hear his voice, whispering that everything would turn out alright and she desperately wanted to believe in it.




“Here you are…sister” The sudden familiar drawl from behind her startled her and she turned her face to Anton, the word sister was mocking, she knew perfectly that it was not the way he saw her. She stood up and dusted her clothes.



“Talking to yourself now?” Anton asked and moved closer, “you’re almost as crazy as Olavi, aren’t you?” He smirked, Aino gritted her teeth.

“My brother is not crazy….What do you want?”



“I missed you…sister.” Anton said and kept coming closer, “only…” his hand reached to touch her cheek which made her drew back, “you and I are not really brother and sister, are we?”



“No, I’ve never considered you as my family Anton.” Aino spoke a bit tightly, “nor would I ever.”



The youth chuckled at her words. “You should learn your place.”



“And what pace would that be?” She asked narrowing her eyes.



Anton smiled tilting his head, “you’re such a beautiful woman Aino, if only you would learn to respect men. Maybe I could teach you…” His hand slipped closer to touch her bosom, squeezing her which instantly made her raise her hand and slap him.



“Keep your hands to yourself!” She shrieked out raged over his boldness. Sure he had given her those looks before and sleazy comments but this was the first time he had touched her like this.



Anton brought his hand on his burning cheek and glared at her in anger, he reached for her arm pulling her closer, the grip was painful her breathing fast, “let go of me…” She hissed.



The young man narrowed his eyes and slapped her, “learn your place.” He said and before she could react he shoved her roughly backwards so that she fell on the sand, “it is beneath the men.” He smirked then walking closer as she tried to get up and placed his feet over her stomach, “apologise for slapping me.” He commanded.



“You are an…” Aino bit her tong, realising she should not make him angrier than he was.



“Yes?”



“I will not apologise to you. Let me stand up!” Anton pressed his feet down harder making her gasp.





“Apologise,” he commanded again.



“Hey, what’s going on here?” A voice asked and Aino turned her face towards it; it was a youth from the village, one she had sometimes seen with Olavi; Nikolas she recalled. He was her age, brown hair, green grey eyes, tall and handsome. Anton finally moved; he had never liked an audience to his actions that could harm his golden image in front of his parents.



Nikolas moved closer to Aino narrowing his eyes at the other boy, who then felt a need to explain himself,



“Just a little game with my dear stepsister.”



“Didn’t look like she was having fun…” Nikolas pointed out, and offered his hand to her, “Are you alright?” He asked in their language watching her with concern.



Aino nodded, surprised and feeling shy suddenly when closing her hand in his and accepting the help to stand, her clothes were muddy and sandy now and her hair out of order and she nervously tried to brush herself to look more decent.



“You should learn how to treat women,” Nikolas spat at the other boy.



“It’s non your business how I treat her…” Anton smirked lazily, glanced at Aino and turned, “see you at supper sister!” He called before leaving.



“What a jerk…” Nikolas muttered looking after the other boy then again turned to Aino. “You sure you’re ok? What was that about?”



“He’s just being an idiot like always…” Aino sighed with a small nervous chuckle, looking down at the muddy hem of her skirt and frowning. “Thank you though…” She whispered then with a shy glance directed the youth who smiled.



“No problem,” he blushed slightly, “I um… I was about to go fishing…” He explained gesturing towards his fishing rod and basket that he had left near by.



“Oh,” Aino smiled and played with a stray of her hair that had fallen from her bun. “I like fishing.” She said and felt slightly silly.



“Well… maybe you’d like to join my company? I mean um… if you’re not busy or anything?”



“No, I’m no busy… or anything.” They both were smiling.



“Great!” Nikolas walked over to his fishing gear and picked them up; they walked together along the shore towards the cape that offered a good fishing place.



“How is Olavi?” Nikolas asked carefully, “I’ve meant to come over and see him, I just… people said he doesn’t want to receive guests.” They had arrived to the spot and he placed his basked down looking up to the girl.



“He’s… better,” she replied looking around playing with a leaf that she had taken from the near by tree just to keep her nervous hands busy.



“Someone attacked him? Um that’s what I heard… is it true?”



Aino nodded, “Yes,” she whispered.



“And they caught the man?” He asked taking the hook and attaching a squirming worm on it. Aino shrugged, shifting her feet’s restlessly.



“I’m not very comfortable talking about this yet, I’m sorry… But I almost lost my little brother and it’s… he means the world to me.”



Nikolas smiled with sympathy, “sure, I understand, he’s your only real family… I know how it’s like… my father died in the war as well and two of my cousins.” He said looking at the worm and pushing it more firmly on the hook. Aino watched him with curiosity; his strong arms, the look on his face, the curve of his lips, the way his brown hair glimmered golden under the rays of sun.



Their eyes met and they both smiled shyly to one another.



“So that … was your stepbrother?” Nikolas asked getting up.



“Yes, Anton, we’re not related in anyway…we…”



“Yes, Olavi explained to us… hm… you were adopted by Mrs Lunds mother and her husband? And that… idiot… was his son? Right?”



Aino chuckled at the word idiot, “yes, Anton is my adopted father’s son.” She nodded, “the rest of them are fine, just…. Anton is spoiled and didn’t like very much when we moved in to their home… you know… we took some of the attention away from him, us being the poor orphans with lots of misfortune and on the other hand luck for surviving.”



Nikolas looked at her and smiled with understanding, the light coming from behind him seemed to surround him and it made Aino think of an angel.



“Are you going to stay here now?” He asked carefully and Aino felt the stab of sadness inside as she thought about her reply.



“I don’t want to leave my brother alone…” She whispered, “…he needs me now and since he’s planning to return to Stockholm that’s where I have to be as well.”



The smile on the boys face faded slightly but he still tried to stubbornly hold on to it.



“Will you come back though?” He asked gazing at the lake where fishing rot’s float was thrown.



“I hope, as soon as we can. Next summer at least.” She replied unable to hold back the thought that the boy might be married by then and that… it was a silly thought wasn’t it? This was the first time they really even talked then why…?



“Maybe I could write to you sometime?” The boy said shrugging his shoulders slightly not daring to look at her, “I mean, if you like…”



The smile returned on her face. “I would,” she replied and again they both shared the shy smile when looking at each other, soon the moment broke when Nikolas caught his first fish.



“You want to try?” He asked after taking the fish, placing it on the basket and putting a new worm on the hook.



“Sure,” Aino smiled, their hands touched briefly and caused an odd pinch in the bottom of her stomach, and her only regret was that they hadn’t talked earlier that summer, when there had still been more time.



**^^**^^**





Anton was clearly on a sour mood when he got back from his walk; Olavi who was sitting on the porch trying to sketch, got the first taste of that said sourness. The older boy walked over to him and rudely snatched the sketch book from his hands.



“Hey, give it back!” Olavi tried, getting up, feeling frustrated and nervous. Anton grinned and backed away looking through the pages.



“And you think you’re going to be a great artist one day?” He asked with a smirk, “even my friends little sister draws better pictures than you…pathetic.”



“Anton, give it back, it’s mine.” Olavi tried and when ever he got closer the other just pushed him back with his hands.



“Give it back it’s mine…” Anton mocked him with whiny voice, “come and get it then?” He grinned and raised the book high above his head. Anton was taller, he knew well that Olavi wouldn’t be able to reach it, nor would he give him the chance.



Olavi tried his best he had to admit, but his effort was in vain and simply amused Anton who kept moving the book from the younger ones reach.



“Anton please, give it back to me.” Olavi desperately tried to reach his book, those sketches meant everything to him, few were drawn of Alexander when the man had been a sleep and he wanted to keep those pictures as a memory. He was only glad that Anton hadn’t bothered to look so far, yet… It might raise questions he didn’t want to answer.



And finally the older boy seemed to get bored, “fine, you can have it back,” he said and grinned before throwing it on the mud, “there…”



Olavi felt anger, frustration and sadness seeing his sketchbook on the mud pond, after everything he had been through it seemed like too much and he began to cry, trying to swallow his tears while kneeling down to pick it up and see if anything could be saved.



“Gods you’re such a cry baby… “ Anton remarked, “I want to go back to Stockholm, this place is killing me with boredom…” He sighed and turned. Olavi’s anger grew; placing the book onto the grass he followed the other unable to control himself any longer, tired of people taking things from him. He grasped Anton’s shirt, pulled and without a word shoved him into the same mud pond.



Seeing the older boy cursing with his face and clothes covered in mud only gave a mild satisfaction. Olavi didn’t say anything, turned, picked his sketchbook and walked away.



“I’ll get you for this!”



He didn’t care, everything was ruined, everything important.



**^^**^^**^^**^^**



Nikolas walked Aino back to the house, “Can I see you tomorrow?” He asked and the girl smiled,



“Yes, of course,” their hands touched, the touch felt warm and inviting, both reluctant to let go.



“Could I speak with your father?” Nikolas asked.



“My father is dead,” Aino smiled faintly though knowing who the boy meant, “but yes you can speak to my adopted father, though I don’t understand why.”





“I would like to meet him, get his approval to court you.” He grinned which made Aino blush.



“Come inside.” She asked.



Inside they met the two that had raised her and Aino watched with curiosity as Nikolas asked to talk with her father privately about something.



“Where’s Olavi?” She asked then.



“He went for a walk,” Mirja who helped Emma in the kitchen answered.



“How long ago?” She asked instantly getting worried.



“An hour maybe, seems that he and Anton fought about something, Olavi had apparently shoved him into the mud… I think he needs some time to calm down.”



“How can you leave him alone after everything?” Aino hissed upset, “I’m sure Anton did something to him…that bastard!”



“Aino dear, calm down, don’t call your brother that. And what happened to your clothes?!”



“Anton is not my brother!” She stated firmly ignoring the latest question. “I’m going to look for Olavi…”





Emma glanced at her mother briefly before hurrying after Aino, she took her arm gently, “I believe Alexander is with him…” she whispered, “he’s never that far away from him, he saw the fight but didn’t have time to step in between… Olavi is safe, with him.”



Aino swallowed, gazed at her in surprise and nodded feeling relieved. Nikolas returned, she saw her adopter father looking annoyed, but it didn’t seem to be directed towards Nikolas.



“Anton! Come into the study! Now!” He roared. Aino gave a surprised look to Nikolas who simply smiled.



“I’ll come by tomorrow noon,” He said, “is it alright?”



Aino nodded, “of course.”



The boy grinned, “Good night then.”



“Good night.”



Emma gave amused look to Aino who was still grinning to herself after the boy had left.



“Oh my, someone is in love…” She teased and Aino gave her a glare.



“Don’t be silly…” She muttered and turned to walk into her room.



Emma smiled, it was perhaps time that Aino would meet someone it would help to ease the strong attachment that she and Olavi shared, eventually it would be only healthy that they would move on and have a life of their own instead of following each other everywhere.





**^^**^^**^^**



Alexander approached Olavi slowly; he sat on the grass, his back against the thick birch trunk, looking at the muddied sketchbook in his hands with miserable expression.



“Hey…” Alexander spoke softly and the boy looked up, his eyes glimmering from tears.



“He ruined it, everything…” Olavi whispered, Alexander kneeled down next to him.



“I’m sorry…” He said and brought his hand in Olavi’s hair, other reaching to wipe his tears, “don’t cry…” He whispered, “Come here,” He gently wrapped his arms around the boy and held him, stroking his hair as the boy wept against him.



“My work is ruined… I put my soul into them and then he just walks over and throws it away… like it’s nothing… Like it wasn’t enough that…”



“Shh… it wasn’t your only sketchbook, right? And you’ll make tons of new drawings better than these were.”



“You don’t understand…” Olavi whispered miserably and brought his face up to look at him, his hands clinging onto his shirt,



“Then tell me?” Alexander encouraged, gently touching his cheek, inside feeling glad that Olavi was again relaxed with his closeness, even now holding on to him as if afraid that he might disappear, at the same time the happiness he felt was soon replaced with sadness realising that these were the last few disappearing moments that they would share if Olavi’s mind didn’t change.



Sighing Olavi laid his head on Alexander’s chest who took a more comfortable position next to him, continuing to stroke his hair. Olavi moved his fingers over the ruined pictures staying silent for awhile. “I’m scared…” He whispered then, “three things that are important to me…” he continued, “equally and differently at the same time… my sister, my art…and you…The three things I love and one that I can not have…it’s not fair…”



Alexander tried to swallow the heavy lump down that suddenly appeared in his throat, “I know and…” He sighed, looking down at the blonde on his side, “I can’t pressure you, and I won’t. The choice is yours and I know it’s not easy; if you’d choose a life with me it’s…”



“I can’t leave my sister…” Olavi stopped him, “I can’t leave her alone… I almost did…and…” He closed his eyes feeling the tears in his eyes once more “as much as part of me wants to…. I can’t… we shouldn’t… maybe we both can change and be normal and….”



Alexander nodded though the younger one didn’t see it, he knew himself well enough; there was no point in trying to deny who he was, no point in trying to start a family with some woman and… he believed quite strongly that he simply wouldn’t be able to love another the way he loved Olavi, couldn’t welcome another one in his heart anymore; it was and always would be Olavi’s and a part that belonged to Elias.



“It will work out…” He whispered, “you’ll find your happiness I’m sure you will, just remember that you’ll always have my heart.”





Alexander still didn’t know how he would bear to say goodbye to the boy, his whole being dreaded the day that was approaching faster than he would have liked. Was there really no other way?





TBC.

Web: September 2009.

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