GHOST OF YOU

Chapter 1.

A soft blow of the wind caressed her face, playing with her long golden hair. She stood there, not moving, taking in the scenery in front of her. The garden had grown wild; long, green grass on the ground, flowers; the roses, that her mother had once planted, now grew as wild as the grass.

The sauna building was nothing more than a pile of boards and rocks. It must have been the war that broke it, she thought to herself and was taken over by sudden sadness. Closing her eyes, she could still hear his laughter, still hear his voice, after all those years...

She opened her eyes again, walked forward until she got a better view of the house. It was still there; the white painting had been cracked in several places, windows were all dusty, but yet they had remained intact.

Quietness... it was not how she had remembered it. She stared at the front door, almost waiting for it to open, waiting to see a blond man walk out, look at her with a smile and ask where they had been, what had taken them so long. But the door did not open, he did not come.

"Do you want to go inside?" Her brother asked her and she turned her face to look at him. Without a word she looked back at the house.
"I don't know." She said, afraid of the memories that lived there, the ghost of the past that she wasn't sure she would be able to face after all.

"It is not how I remembered it." He said then, now standing beside her, gazing firmly at the front door. She looked at him, wondering how much he remembered, wondering if their memories were the same, wondering if she had only imagined it all? Their eyes met. "I don’t remember much and maybe what I remember has been created by my own imagination and the things you and Emma have told me, but still..." He continued, taking a few steps forward. "I remember the winter, it was always so cold..." He turned his head, a faint smile on his lips. She continued gazing at the house, the home of their early childhood years.

"Aino..." His voice was soft. "We have waited for this, you have waited for this, and now we are here, so I think we should just go inside." He studied her face.
"You are right."

"So, are you ready?" He asked, his hand on the door handle.
"Yes, as ready as I'll ever be." She told him, taking a deep breath.
The door creaked as it opened. They were greeted by the stifling air when they entered; particles of dust danced in the air, the furniture had been covered with white sheets. They walked further in, and with each step that they took, there was a sound of creak.

Aino looked around and started taking off the sheets that covered the furniture. She stood in front of the table, looking at it with glazed eyes; she could hear his cries of pain, echoing inside her mind.

"Now, now. Don't cry little one, let’s play with your toys. Your brother is fine, don't worry, my comrade is just playing a little game with him." The man had told her. She closed her eyes, trembling; seeing his face, eyes that were filled with tears. She touched the necklace on her neck, closing the golden cross inside her palm. "...Keep it until we see each other again."

She felt pain in her chest, it was just as she had feared; the ghosts of the past attacked her at once. Nightmares that had not only been nightmares, but horrid memories of something that had happened for real. She had been a scared child, not understanding what had been done to her older brother, not really. It had confused her to no end, to see it happening right in front of her eyes, and later on, as she grew older, it finally dawned on her. She felt sick remembering, but the images kept coming back and there was no one she could talk to about them; for how could she ever voice such horror?

She shook her head and lifted her hand up to her temple, trying to force herself to think of something else. She turned to look at her younger brother, who stood at the kitchen doorway, looking numbly at the same table that she had just looked at. ‘Does he remember it too?’ She wondered, but before she was able to open her lips to speak, he had already turned and walked into the kitchen.

She followed him in and her gaze was immediately fixed on the cellar door on the floor.
"Let’s play a little game, you need to go down here and be as quiet as you can. The one who is quieter, wins a prize."
She met the eyes of her little brother with hers.

"Are you okay?" He asked with concern.
"Yes, I'm fine." She assured, and once again, she couldn't help but notice how much Olavi had grown to look like him. Her younger brother was now the same age as her older brother had been when they last saw him. He had the same delicate face structure, full pink lips, petite body... But his eyes were of deep blue color, when her elder brother’s eyes were green.

"I know it's silly, but I kind of expected to find him here." She confessed. He smiled sadly at her.
"I know... Bur don't you think that if he were alive, he would have found us already? Or someone would know something about him?" He said carefully. Suddenly tears filled her eyes, her body started trembling.
"Aino..." He walked closer and wrapped his arms around her. "It's okay."
"It is just that I miss him so much..." She whispered. "He could still be alive, living there; in Russia. Maybe he's lost his memory and that is why he hasn't found us?" He placed his hand on her cheek, caressed it gently, seeing how much she wanted to believe her own words. "I know how unlikely it is... I just wish I'd known. I wish I knew where and why they had taken him."

"Yes, I wish that, too.” He whispered, smiling sadly. He then took a few steps back, stood in front of the window and looked outside. "I wish I remembered him better, I wish I remembered them all better." He sighed. Aino walked behind him, wrapped her arms around him and rested her chin on his shoulder.

"When did you grow to be taller than me, little brother?" She asked with a smile. He placed his hand on hers.
"I don't know." He answered, smiling as well. "No matter what, we still have each other." He said then.
"Yes, and promise me, that it's never going to change. Will you promise that we're going to stay close?" She asked.
"Always ... Even if it means that I have to follow you to India." He chuckled.
"Oh, don't you worry about that, I'm not planning on leaving anytime soon. After all, we have just got home... Here's where we belong." She smiled.
"Yes..." He turned around to face her. "So, how about returning home, to Emma, now? We can come back here later. I don’t think it's safe to walk up those stairs before a carpenter has had a proper look at it. And..." He looked around. "And I think we've had enough of old memories for one day, don't you?" She nodded her head in agreement.

They returned outside. She took her brother’s hand in hers, taking one last look at the house before they left. She closed her eyes for a moment; an image of their mother's body laying on the snow. She had touched her; met with the cold, unreal like skin... Her brother’s hand gently wiped the tears away from her cheeks.
"Let’s go, we can come back here later." He whispered.


********************





His leg was acting up again; it was aching, pain shooting up and down along it. He tried to ignore it as well as he could. There was a storm brewing in the air and his leg felt it. It would come, even though the sun was still shinning brightly, but he knew that it would come; it always did. He looked at the house in front of him, searched for the piece of paper in his pocket, the piece where he had written the address that they had given to him; it matched. So here he was, after so many years. Finally.

He took a deep breath. One would think that in all those years he had had time to think about a perfect opening line, a perfect way of telling what he came here to tell, but no such luck. If anything, it had only became harder and harder. So there he was, this was what he had lived for, finally going to fulfil the dying wish of his lover ... And he had no idea what to tell them, how to start telling them.
"Just go in there, tell what you came here to tell and leave, it's that simple. If they don't believe you, it's their problem, not yours." He thought to himself. But deep down, he knew that it wouldn't be that simple, it never was that simple.

His thoughts were interrupted by a sound of child's laughter. He turned his head to the voice. A small boy, who looked like 3-year-old, was running in his direction. He seemed to be running towards the forest.
"Elias, stop this instant!" A woman called, coming from behind the house, running after the boy.

His heart took an extra beat when hearing the name, but he was able to compose himself and act quickly. Reaching towards the boy, he lifted him up to his arms.
"Where were you going, little fellow?" He asked with a smile.
"I was going to play with the squirrels." The boy answered with a giggle. The woman walked towards him.
"I believe he's yours?" He asked, placing the boy on the ground and smiling up to her.
"Yes, thank you. He's always trying to run from me. Always trying to escape the bathing time, aren't you?" She lifted the boy up into her arms, smiling and kissing his forehead.
"I don't like the shampoo mama… And my hair doesn't need to be washed yet, it's clean." The boy babbled and looked at him with curiosity, he played with his mother’s long hair. She shook her head.
"Children…" She smiled, rolling her eyes. He smiled. There was a moment of uncomfortable silence.

"Did you come here to look for a job?" She asked then.
"Job?"
"Yes, for the house. I'm looking for constructors, to reconstruct a house, make it proper for living." She looked at him with question.
"Oh, I..." He hesitated, slightly taken back with the question he had not expected.
"The house is quite near here and no one has lived there for over ten years. I am determined to get it back to it's former glory, it would be a present to my close friends. Well, they’re more like family members really… Anyway, both the garden and the house need a lot of work, and you seem to be a strong man who gets things done and if you are good with your hands then...?"
"Well I..."
"You're Russian, aren't you?"
"Yes."
"I know a lot of people here aren't willing to hire your people, but I'm not one of them. The war is over and done and well... we must learn to get along... So if you're interested? I pay well."
The boy started squirming.
"Mama, I want to go and play already."
"Oh, wait for just one second..." She said, placed the boy down, but still held him. "Olavi! Aino!" She called. "Oh where are those two..."

A blond boy appeared from behind the house.
"Yes Emma?" He asked.
"Could you play with Elias for a while?" She asked.
"Yes of course I can." He smiled and walked closer. He looked at the man next to her, curiosity in his eyes. "Hello." He greeted him.
"Uh, hello..."
The man said and just stared at him, making him feel a bit uncomfortable, like there was something odd in the way he looked. "Yes, well, um... Come Elias, let’s go and play with your toys." He took the boy’s hand in his.

"You're not much of a talker, are you?" Emma laughed softly. "Well, I don't mind. But what I would like to know is whether or not you're interested?"
He looked at her, it seemed like it took a moment before he understood what she meant.

"Yes, the house. I am interested in this job." He answered.
"Good, we can talk more inside. Would you like a cup of coffee, perhaps?"
"Yes, thank you."
"Oh, and I forgot to introduce myself properly, I'm Emma, Emma Lund."
"Nice to meet you Emma, I'm Alexander Volkov."
 

Chapter 2.

”Do you have a place to stay?” The woman asked him, sipping her coffee.
“No ma’am, I have just arrived. I left my luggage at the train station.”
“Well, I could rent you a room, take the payment out of you salary and I could also offer you three meals per day.” She offered.
“Thank you for the offer, I accept it gladly. I take it that your husband doesn't mind you hiring me?” He asked then.
“My husband is dead Mr. Volkov.” She said and placed the coffee cup back on the table. “And even if he weren't, I tend to make my own decisions about things concerning myself.”
“I’m sorry about your loss.”
“Dear Matias died a year ago, it was cancer that finally took him. It seems that I cannot keep the men in my life.” There was a sad smile that graced her lips. “Anyway, after he died, I saw no reason to stay in Sweden and so I returned here, I bought this estate with the money that my husband left me … So, do not feel sorry for me, for I am home, I love this place with every inch of my being. I missed home all the years that I was away.” She told him.

“So, Mr. Volkov … May I in return enquire about your reasons for coming here to look for job, instead of trying to find it at home?”

“I think your question is only fair… Things in my home land…well, they are what they are, nothing keeps me there, no family binds me … And as for why here? Well, it is a long story, perhaps I’ll tell you some other time, but for now…”
“A man of mystery, are you? Fine, I accept your answer, though I do find it peculiar that a man of your age and looks has managed to avoid marriage this long. Russian or not, I do believe that there will be many women here throwing themselves at your feet and many men that will look at you in a jealous manner, afraid that you might take their women. So be careful, that is all I’m going to say about the matter.” She smiled and stood up. He followed her example.


“Well then, there are chores to be finished. I’ll have Olavi to show you the room and the estate, let you settle in. I’ll ask him to show you the house, you can start working there tomorrow. I’ll meet you at supper.”


******************


“What happened to your leg?” The boy asked as they were walking straight ahead on the sandy road.
“The war is what happened. I got a grenade splinter in it as we fought against the Germans back in 1944.”
“Oh, does it hurt much?” He looked into the curious blue eyes of the boy, but could not look at him for long.
“At times it does and at times it’s better.” He gave him a lazy smile.
“Did you kill many men in war?” The boy asked.
“I did not count. I survived. The only way for me to survive was not to think of the men I killed on the field."
“I see…” They walked in silence for a while.


“Why do you speak Finnish, where did you learn it?” Olavi asked then looking at the man.
“I taught it myself… I once knew someone, someone who became very dear to me. Back then, we did not speak the same language and then the war took this person’s life. The memory of this one person made me want to learn the language.” He explained.
“A lover, perhaps? I know my sister and Emma would be dying to know the whole story, they are such hopeless romantics.” Olavi laughed, and Alexander couldn’t help but glance at the boy’s laughing face. He smiled, but soon turned his face away as the boy noticed him looking at him.

Soon the house came into view. It was a peaceful, beautiful place and Alexander could imagine how the place had once looked like; he was sure he could help build it back to its former shape. The sun had already begun to go down, painting the sky with soft orange, gold and purple.

“So here it is.” The boy told him.
“It’s beautiful.” Alexander told him and walked closer.
“It was.” The boy said and Alexander looked at him, the thoughtful expression on the boy’s face. He still could not get over the fact of how much the boy looked like him and every time, he seemed to take his breath away. Hypnotize him.

“This was my childhood home, did you know?” The blue eyes met with his. He looked at him in surprise.
“It was?” He asked and took another look at the house.
“Yes… I was forced to leave this place with my sister, when I was four and she was six… It was the January of 1943, such a cold winter… I’ve never been so cold in my life…” He walked forward and Alexander followed, listening carefully. “Our father died back in 1942 and so we lived here by ourselves: me, Aino, our mother and our elder brother Elias.” His heart almost stopped hearing the name again. “Then one night…” The boy now stood at the front door, touched it, before opening it. “…One night they came. They just broke in.” He stepped in and held the door open for him.

“My brother hid us, me and my sister, in there.” He pointed towards what Alexander could only assume to be the kitchen. “But he had no time to hide from them, nor did mother, she was very ill… I do not remember much of it, but anyway, they took my brother with them… My mother, she… She wanted to go after them, she was so ill… But she wanted to save him, her firstborn…we never heard her going out… next morning we found her lying dead in the snow.”

Alexander stared at the boy, who seemed to be deep in thoughts. He knew he should say something, tell him, tell all of them, but how could he say it? How could he voice what still made no sense even to him? He looked around, feeling sudden coldness on his neck. This had been his home, here was where Elias had grown up, here was where it had all started. He could almost feel his presence beside him.

“I’m so sorry…” He said with low voice.

Olavi turned around, the dimness of the room hid the true color of his eyes and he really did look so much like his brother. Did the boy even realize that? Alexander wondered.
“You have yet to meet my sister. She doesn't like Russians much, you will have a hard time being around her, just be aware of it.” He laughed quietly.

*****************

“How could you hire him?” Aino hissed with low voice, looking at the older woman.
“He is a strong man, he was looking for a job, so I gave it to him. I needed one more worker… Why not him?” Emma asked casually while feeding her youngest child.
“You know why. He is one of them… You say you are doing this for us, but I do not want one of their people working there, touching the walls that my father built, touching the things that belonged to my mother, or to my brother.” The girl said, standing in front of her. Emma looked up.

“Being a Russian does not make him one of the men that took Elias from us. He is not the one to have killed your father. What are his sins? Being born in Russia? Does the blood in his veins make him the enemy, Aino? Does it really? He is just like us.” Emma told her.
“You are the fine one to talk, you weren’t here! You do not know what it was like! You did not lose your family in the war like we did! I cannot forget that, I cannot forgive what they did to us.” She sounded outraged.
“There were faults on both sides. You cannot blame one man for the crimes of his countrymen, like he could not blame us for the crimes of our side. We each have our own sins, but his are not the ones you’re accusing him of... I understand your anger, but what good does it do? I loved your brother, I loved him as much as you did. But he is gone, you need to let go.” Emma stood up and cleared the table. Aino followed her.
“You loved him, did you? Well, what would he say if he found out that now you’re lusting after that bastard of a Russian? That is it, isn’t it? You want him for yourself? Forgot your husband so fast? Your bed is cold and you need a fine man like Volkov by your side to warm it up for you?…” Emma slapped her cheek and the young woman cried out, lifting her hand up to the burning skin.

“How dare you?! I can’t believe you Aino, I thought we were friends and you spoke to me like I was a slut, in my home, in front of my child no less. This is the thanks I get of all the help that I’ve given to you?” Emma glared at her in anger. Aino’s eyes began to water. “You speak as though I didn’t know how it’s like to lose someone. Well, for your information, yes, I loved your brother, I still love him. We may have been young, but we made our promises to one another. Not a day goes by that I wouldn’t wish that I could share this with him. This was our dream Aino, this was the place we planned on building our home together. I loved him, I’ve cried for him and I’ve cried for my husband. I do not need your accusations; leave if you please, you owe me nothing. If you do not wish my help with your house then just tell me so.”
“I’m so sorry Emma, I don’t know what has gotten into me, I’m so sorry, please forgive me my horrible words, I did not mean them…” The girl sobbed. Emma softened to her tears and pulled her into a hug.
“It’s this place that has gotten you so emotional… It’s okay, I understand my beloved adopted sister.” She smiled, caressing her hair. Aino gave her a smile through her tears.
“I love you Emma, and I am grateful for everything you’ve done… I know you loved him, and I know that he loved you too, he was always writing letters to you… So, I’m going to just try and deal with a Russian working there, I’ll try Emma, I promise.”

Emma held her, comforted her, wondering whether or not she had made the right decision, hiring the man. It felt right to her, but she knew that there might be trouble, not many in the village would appreciate having a Russian around as the wounds of the war were still fresh in many people’s mind. But the change had to start somewhere.

Chapter 3.

Two weeks passed by quickly. Alexander did his work with the others but he mostly remained an outsider for them. The other men did not like to include him to their joking, their chatting and in all honesty, Alexander did not mind. He did his work, often lost in his thoughts and memories of him. Here, in this place he felt closer to him than he had in years. He missed his touch, more than anything; he missed his touch.



The day was exceedingly hot, most of the men took their rest often, but he worked hard, taking a drink of water every now and then so that the sun would not wear him out.

Once again he was lost in his memories and thoughts as he did his work; the way his voice sounded like, the touch of his hands, the letter, the last words, the last night. In his dreams they were often together, but a touch in a dream and a touch in reality could of course never be the same.



“It’s alright to take a rest you know, every now and then.” A woman’s voice said from behind him and he turned to look. He smiled to her.
“Don’t worry Mrs. Lund, I’ll take care of myself.”
“Please, do call me Emma already.”
“Alright, Emma.” He smiled again and knelt down to take more nails from the ground
“And here I thought that the Finnish men were hard workers, but I guess you’ve proved me wrong.” She spoke bemusedly gesturing the other men who were having a coffee break nearby. A few of the men looked in their direction, frowning as they saw her talking to him. Alexander noticed this.

“Well, I’d rather work now and finish a little earlier.”
“I see, but you do need to eat, would you have a lunch with me? I brought a picnic.”
“Oh, that’s very nice of you… I just…” He started, glancing towards the men. Emma saw his slightly worried look.
“Oh, do not mind them. You can have an innocent picnic with a friend, who just so happens to be a woman.” She said and placed the blanket on the ground nearby. She started placing the food on it, adjusting the hem of her skirt as she sat down.

“Well?” She asked with a smile. He did feel hungry, so he sat beside her.
“You do realize what this must look like? You and I, having a quiet picnic together…” He asked with a slight smile as he took a piece of bread.
“I do, but I’ve never really been the one to care about what other people might think of me. What matters is what I think of myself, what I know is true.”
He looked at her for a long time, a genuine smile on his face.

“After we’ve eaten, I’m planning on going upstairs and taking a look at his room, Aino said that there’s a box in there with letters to me.” She sipped her juice, once again a sad smile appearing on her lips, the same sad smile that was there, whenever she mentioned him.
“Oh?” He asked, as he thought of nothing else.
“Elias and I, we planned to get married, did you know?” She asked. He shook his head, but listened carefully. “We knew each others from infants, oh we were so young, just children really. The last time I saw him, I was twelve… It feels like a life time ago…” She gazed towards the sky.
“I know what you mean.” He said quietly, their eyes met. There was a long moment of silence.


“The thing that I find the hardest is that I have no idea what happened to him, what really happened. I know about the night that they took him, but I don’t know what really happened that night, where they took him, what they did to him. His body was never found and what I find strange is that they hardly took anything else from the house and if they killed him, why not do it close to the house? So… well, there are just so many maybe’s and what if’s.” Alexander suddenly lost his appetite.

“What you must understand is the reason why Aino is acting so cold around you. She… Well I think she might remember that night, she does not like to talk about it though… And well, they’ve had it hard, she and Olavi… First they lost their father at such a young age, then Russians came and took their brother right in front of their eyes, their mother died and then… They were six and four for goodness sake… I can’t even imagine how they made it, walking together, in that cold winter day… But they did, you know? It was a group of soldiers that found them and they took them into the hospital… Anyway, it seems, that Elias had told them, that if something ever happened to him, they needed to find a way to contact me. So she gave my name to them and my mother’s name. They contacted us and my mother and my stepfather agreed to take them in. Later, after the war had ended, they even adopted them. It was easier for Olavi to adjust, he does not remember so much of his former family, or what happened here… But both of them wanted to come with me, when I decided to return here.”

“I had no idea that…” Alexander started, lost with words. How could he tell them now? He should have told them right away. How much had the children really seen? How much did the girl remember? He did remember them telling that they had already raped him, but he had no idea that… He really felt ill.
“Is something wrong? You don’t look so good, maybe it’s the sun?” She asked with worry, touching his arm.
“I’m fine really.” He tried to reassure her.
“Now, I know that you’re lying, come, let’s go inside for a bit, get you away from the sun.”

He followed her in and sat down in front of the table.
“Lean your head down, are you dizzy? Here take some water.”
“I’m fine, I really am, I’ll go back to work.” He tried and was about to stand up, but she stopped him.
“No, stay where you are, and I forbid you to do any work today.” She glared at him firmly.
“Alright, alright, I’ve never been the one to argue with a lady.” He grinned, lifting his hands up as if surrendering.
“Good.” She smiled. “Now, I’ll run upstairs and when I come back, I expect to find you here where I left you.”
“Yes, ma’am.” He teased.

He heard the sound running coming from outside and suddenly the door opened, Olavi plunged in and closed the door behind him. The boy didn’t seem to notice him at first as he was too busy glancing outside from the window near the door. He breathed heavily.
“Oh shit.” He muttered and then quickly looked around him, jumping as he saw him.
“Oh gods you scared me, didn’t know anyone was in.” He said, still a bit out of breath.
“If she comes, tell her that I’m not here, alright? I trust you.” He smiled briefly and then disappeared in one of the rooms. Alexander looked after him a little puzzled of what was going on. Soon enough he heard a girls voice calling the boys name.

The door opened.
“Olavi? Are you here? You know you can’t run from me forever!” Alexander looked at the brown haired teen-age girl who had just stepped in. The girl looked around, blushed when she saw him and made a curtsy.
“Hello sir, I was looking for Olavi, is he here?” She asked.
“No, haven’t seen him.” He lied.
“Are you sure?” She asked, one eyebrow raised. “Because I could have sworn that I saw him running here.”
Alexander looked around himself.
“Really?… “ He looked back at her. “I saw no one.” He said then.
“Oh… okay then… Um… If you see him, tell him that Hanna asked for him.”
“I sure will.” He smiled.
“Thank you.” She smiled and left.

“Oh thank you so much! I could almost hug you for that!” Olavi exclaimed when he walked back into the room. Their eyes met. “But don’t worry, I won’t” He grinned then. “Though, I have heard that you Russians like to hug? Kiss on the cheek? Because if you want, I can.” Alexander stared at the serious face of the boy and blinked his eyes. Then the boy laughed. “I’m sorry.” He said then. “Ignore me, really, just ignore me.”
He shook his head and sat down opposite from him. “Seriously though, thank you.” He smiled.

“No problem, care to tell me what that was about?” Alexander asked with curiosity. The boy sighed.
“Oh, I guess she wants me to take her to this dance on Saturday, but I don’t know… I’d rather not go, I don’t care for dancing much and frankly I don’t care much about her, either.” He grinned.
“Why not just tell her that?”
“Are you out of your mind?! You don’t tell a girl like her that you don’t like her. I have enough problems as it is.” Olavi stared at him.
“Oh okay…”Alaxander glanced at the boy. Perhaps he was just getting too old to understand the youth of today?
“How old are you?” Olavi asked suddenly, as if reading his thoughts.
“I’m 33.” He said and suddenly felt very old indeed.
“And you’re not married?” Alexander shook his head. “You like Emma?” What was this? Twenty questions? He wondered. “Because I think she likes you.” Olavi explained.
“Oh?” It was all that he had time to say before they heard Emma returning downstairs.


She sat down with a box in her hands and looked at the two of them.
“It has my name on it.” She said quietly, took a deep breath and opened the box revealing a big pile of letters. She looked at them, touched them, taking one in her hands. Alexander quickly glanced at Olavi, who stared quietly at the letters and her.
“They’re from your brother.” Emma said out loud what the boy had already guessed.

“Can you… um… Could you read them out loud?” He asked. She simply nodded her head and cleared her throat.

“1st of January, 1943….” She started. ”Dear Emma… It is the first hour of the year 1943. I’m sitting upstairs in my room, with my coat on, it is as cold up here as it is outside, but at least the wind does not get to me. Normally the New Year always gives me hope, but tonight I feel different, weary and hopeless. I’ve grown tired Emma, I feel like crying because I am so tired. I guess it’s a part of the reason why I’m up here tonight. I do not want to scare them, I cannot let them see me this weak.

Mother is only getting worse, at nights she coughs, and there is blood, she’s so weak and she does not understand. Before, when she was better, I tried to ask her to let me go and get help from someone who could take us away, but she did not listen and now she is way too sick for me to even think of letting them stay by themselves while I would go to get help.

I’m scared Emma, I’m scared of dying, I think of it almost everyday and it does not make me any more ready for it. I want to live! I want for this war to end! I want to hold you again, I want to kiss your lips and just hold you. I want to take you to the lake, I want you to take the mud and draw lines on my face like you did when we were little. My crazy Emma; I miss you.

Sometimes I look at her, trying to ease her pain and I know she won’t make it through this winter. I’ve even found myself thinking, perhaps even hoping, that she’d die, so the pain would end for her and I could be free to leave this place with Aino and Olavi. Does this make me a horrible person? I think it does, I hate myself every time I think like that. She is my mother… I hate myself Emma… But I have a horrible feeling inside of me that tells me we are all doomed if we stay. Everyday I fear that they will come and I am not ready to die, I have yet to live!

Thinking of you, thinking of the future we’ve planned gives me hope, the dreams keep me warm. I want to marry you, I want to have children with you, I want a life with you. I can’t even send these letters to you anymore and yet I keep writing them, I am going to continue writing them and maybe someday when we’re wedded, I can give them to you and we can laugh at how desperate I sound in them. I love you Crazy E. Never change.

I’m too cold now, so I have to stop and return back down stairs where it’s warm.

Yours: Elias."

By the time when she was done, she was crying. Olavi stood up and without a word he left. Emma looked after him.
“Are you alright?” He asked her, not sure which of the two he should worry more and at the same time he felt afoul himself, too.
“Yes, I’ll go after him…” She said and stood up, leaving him alone. He was kind of glad she did. God, this truly was one messed up situation. He had come here for one reason and one reason only: to tell the truth and what had happened instead? Here he was, getting more involved and had not completed the one thing he had come here for. He had failed to save the life of Elias and now he was failing to complete his last wish. What was he to do?

Chapter 4.

“So, Emma, what is the story about that handsome Russian?” One of the women asked after they had sat down in front of the coffee table. The other women also looked at her with quiet interest, keen to know what the answer would be. “I know that I am not the only woman to have noticed him, nor am I the only one to wonder what is truly going on between you two.” Anna continued.
“There is nothing going on between us, nothing except friendship.” Emma told them calmly, sipping her coffee.
“Really? … Well, not according to the rumors I’ve heard.” The woman said and the few others giggled. Emma sighed, trying to remain calm.
“You shouldn’t believe all the rumors you hear.” She said then.
“You don’t have to hide the truth from us Emma.” She grinned. “I, for one, couldn’t blame you the least bit…Should that man decide to claim my independence, I would gladly and without resistance, give it to him.” Anna laughed then and the others followed quietly, blushing.

Aino had just happened to walk into the room and heard them, she rolled her eyes. ‘Bunch of hens.’ She thought as she took a glass of water.
“I dare say, had they all looked like him, this country’s independence would have been long gone.” Anna said and more giggling could be heard. Aino froze. ‘A bunch of brainless hens.’ She thought again and couldn’t believe that she was really hearing this.

“I do wonder Anna, what would your husband or your father say if they heard this? Your husband and father who fought on the field for this country and for you?” Aino asked with cold voice. The woman looked at her coldly.
“Who asked you anything?” She asked with contempt. Aino held her gaze and then turned her eyes to Emma who had an apologetic look. She left the room without a word, deciding to walk to her house, the only house she had ever really considered home.

************


The man was looking at him again, Olavi noticed as he sat on the ground near the house examining the old books of his brother. For a moment their eyes met and it made his heartbeat increase, he felt his cheeks get hot, he was almost afraid to swallow. The man was the first to look away, quickly returning to his work.

With confusion Olavi looked around, saw his sister a little further away, kneeling on the ground near the roses. Yet her eyes were on him and frowning she glanced towards the Russian. Olavi tried to smile to her and lowered his gaze back towards the book on his lap.

Why was the man looking at him in such a manner? Why did it make him feel so strange and nervous every time when he did so? He closed his eyes for a moment, but could not make himself relax in the noise the men were making as they worked with the house. He took the book, his sketch book and pens and decided to walk to the lake.

“Olavi.” Aino called him as he was passing.
“Hm?” He asked and looked at her.
“Where are you going?” She asked.
“To the lake, I’ll come back for dinner, okay?” He told her.
“Okay, be careful.” She said.
“I will.” He answered, smiling gently to her; she was always worrying about him, always looking after him, though many times he was just as protective of her.

***********

He loved this time of the year, the late summer. He loved to watch the soft colors of the evening. He sat on the soft grass, his back against the firm oak tree, gazing towards the lake. The water was still as mirror, he felt himself relaxing as he watched the beautiful nature and listened to the sounds of it. He thought about them; his father, his mother and his brother. Many had said that he looked exactly like his elder brother and he wished he could remember him better. There were little pieces here and there that he did remember, he wasn’t sure if all of them had really happened.

He remembered a fall evening, a sound of a running stream. The voice of his brother, almost a whisper, telling him to place the bark ship onto the water. He remembered the nights and the terrible sounds of the war … His brother opening up his arms and welcoming them both to the safety of his embrace. Holding on to them, quietly whispering the words of Finlandia hymn* or just humming the tune close to their ears. He remembered that Elias had seemed so old to him, so wise, he had depended on his brother much like he would have relayed on a parent. It was strange now, now that he was the same age and he did not feel like he could do the same that his brother had. Take such responsibility for them. How hard it must have been, and how hard it had been. The letter that Emma had read out loud replayed itself often in his mind.

He stood up, removed his shoes and socks, tried the water with his toes before deciding to shed all of his clothes and take a swim in the quietness of the evening. The chillness of the water first made him hesitate, but he forced himself deeper, knowing that his body would soon get used to it. He stood still in the water that reached his waist. Looking around and seeing no one, he carefully ran his fingers on his arms and chest, examining his own body, wondering what it would feel like to know the touch of another person on a naked skin. He carefully let his hand move under the water and touched his organ. The touch, he had learned, could make him feel incredibly good, and also a bit ashamed when the pleasurable wave had washed over him, leaving him panting and dirty on the darkness of his own bed. Why did something so good feel so sinful at the same time? Few light touches more and then he willed himself to stop touching, to stop the sinful act, though his body yearned for more.


****************
Alexander, after finishing the work for the day, decided to make a walk to the lake before dinner time.

When he reached the shore and was about to step closer to the lake, he saw the boy. He swallowed hard, his face flushed, as he saw the naked flawless skin of the boys back, the light muscles of his arms, the way that the boy ran his hands on his skin, washing himself. He could almost see the curves of the boy’s buttocks, but only almost… He felt his cock twitching with interest, reminding him of how long it had been since the last time he had even seen such a pleasurable sight, let alone touch one.
When the boy turned, a part of him had expected for a small moment, to meet with warm green eyes, but instead met with startled blue ones.

“Oh you scared me.” The boy stuttered and stepped back, suddenly very aware of his own nakedness. He could feel the heat on his face, almost certain that his cheeks had flushed.
“I am sorry, did not mean to startle you.” Alexander told the boy, trying to hide a smile as his eyes still took in the beauty of the creature before him. The boy who kept reminding him of his dead lover.
“It’s okay, I just, you came so quietly and I was lost in my thoughts… I decided to take a swim.” Olavi spoke and suddenly felt incredibly stupid. Of course the man could see what he had been doing, he was standing in the water after all!
“Yes, it’s lovely, warm and...” Alexander started looking up to the sky.
“Indeed it is.” Olavi admitted, wrapping his arms around himself, suddenly feeling very cold, he tried to keep his lips from trembling.

The man stared at him, they were both silent and Olavi didn’t dare to move from the water that hid his naked lower body. No one had ever looked at him quite in the way that older man did and somehow he felt embarrassed of the thought that he could see him completely out of clothes if he were to walk to the shore now.

“I’m naked.” He said then as he thought of nothing else, he almost giggled saying it out loud because it sounded so stupid and then he blushed.
“Oh, I’m sorry, I uh, I’ll turn around then, shall I?” The man said quickly and turned his back to him.
Olavi started moving, still cursing the words that he had chosen. Why couldn’t the other man see him naked? It wasn’t like he had never been naked in front of other men, but then again, he had never gotten such an intensive look from them, either.

“I believe it’s almost dinner time, will you, um… would you like to walk with me?” Olavi asked while buttoning his shirt. The man turned to face him.
“Yes, of course, I am feeling a bit hungry already.”

********************

Dinner was mostly spent in an uncomfortable silence that was not even broken by the children. Aino glared at Alexander in that suspicious way of hers, Alexander tried to offer her a smile, but like often before, it was coldly taken. Emma was absent-minded as she thought about the conversation with her friends and Olavi glanced at Alexander from time to time, wondering what was it in the man that made him feel so curious. Finally it was Elias, Emma’s son, that decided to break the long lasted silence and started telling them how he had captured a rabbit all by himself, while playing in the foods, the story of course was a lie, but was told with great use of imagination.


*****************

In the darkness he saw the figure, the person who sat close to the window, seeming to watch his sleep. Alexander tried to see more clearly, shifting on the bed. The figure stood up and the light revealed his face, a gentle, loving smile on the full lips. “Elias?” He asked with a whisper.
The blond boy moved closer, more light filled the room, revealing the smile on his face that never faded. Alexander sat up, looked at him.
“I miss you.” He told him.
“And I you Sascha…” The light touch of the soft hand on his face, Alexander placed his own on the top of it and leaned towards the gentle hand. He looked up to the green eyes that he had missed, placed his other hand on his waist pulling him on his lap. Their lips met.
“I’m sorry…” He said.
“Shhh… Sascha…” A finger was placed on his lips and soon removed. The smile was still there; sad and loving.
“Stay with me…” He pleaded.
“I cannot… you are dreaming Sascha… This is a dream and soon you’ll wake up…. Wake up Sascha…”


He opened his eyes, finding himself on the bed in the quiet room. He lifted his hand up to cover his eyes. It was only a dream. It was just a dream, but why did he feel so real in it? Over 11 years and still he missed him enough to bring tears in his eyes. Why was it so hard? Of all the people he had lost, losing Elias had been the hardest, seeing his death… It still made him feel sick, it was not the way he wanted to remember his love, he’d rather remember him the way that he had been on their last night together, or the way he appeared to him in his dreams.

He got up from the bed, deciding to get a glass of water. He walked towards the kitchen, his heart jumping when he saw him through the kitchen doorway; the boy was facing the window, dressed only in pair of pants, the cool light of the moon embracing the slim figure almost like a lover would. He could not be seeing a dream again? Could he? Alexander wondered as he quietly walked closer, wanting so much for it to be him. He touched the shoulder and with a startle the boy turned, a flash of green eyes. Alexander smiled, leaned forward and captured the inviting lips with his own.
 

Chapter 5.

It was more than surprising, to say at the least. One minute he had been standing there, gazing out of the window, admiring the beauty of the dark night and enjoying the quietness surrounding him. And now, his body was pressed against a stronger one, while hungry lips tasted his own, a tongue was examining his mouth. There really was a tongue in his mouth! He was too surprised to do anything, so he was still, eyes wide open and soon the man seemed to realize that the kiss was not exactly being responded to.

He pulled away and for a moment they just stared at each others.
“Oh my God…” Alexander breathed out, and after realizing that he was still holding the boy, he quickly released his hold and stepped back “I’m so sorry, I…” What could he possibly say for an excuse? Sorry I thought you were your brother? Yes, perhaps not…


Olavi just looked at him, not really knowing what to say, what to do, wondering what had just happened. He lifted his hand up, to touch his lips, feeling the warmth, still feeling the exploring tongue in his mouth. He had been kissed before, but always with a closed mouth, the way people kissed in movies. But a tongue? And why an earth was he more surprised about the fact that there had been a tongue in his mouth, rather than the fact that a man had kissed him? He looked up into the brown eyes; he really had kissed him!

“You…you kissed me…” He stuttered. Not even realizing that he was still holding his fingers on his lips. “Why?” He asked then.
“I…”
“Uh, you kissed me!” He almost shouted then, when his mind finally seemed to grasp on the fact how wrong it was. A man should not kiss another man!
“Shh…” Alexander tried. “It was a mistake, I…I was sleep walking and I… I am sorry…” He whispered.
“Um, okay… I have to go to bed, it’s late…” Olavi said and quickly hurried towards his bedroom.

Once he got there, he closed the door and leaned his back against it. He tried to calm down, brought his hand up yet again to feel his lips, carefully licking them, tasting him. Some dream the man must have had to kiss him like that, he thought to himself and a slight smile rose to his lips. “Uh, disgusting… It’s disgusting… stop smiling for goodness sake.” He whispered to himself as he finally walked over to his bed.

**^^**^^**^^**^^^**

He was truly annoyed when he woke, remembering the dream he had had and seeing what it had caused. Another secret laundry day for him, he sighed and undressed himself.

Being a teenager sucked and it sucked bad. Being a teenage boy and having a grown man kiss him, sucked even worse. But what sucked the most, was that after that kiss, he had such a perverted dream that he wasn’t sure if that was even normal anymore. Flashbacks of the dream in his mind, he grunted, knew that he should feel disgusted with himself, but somehow the images almost made him hard again. “You truly are one sick puppy.” He told himself and tried to think about something else that would make the erection disappear. Thinking of his Swedish adopted grandmother, sitting in the living room naked, while drinking tea, did the trick for him.

And now, all he really had to do was to avoid that nasty Russian at any cost. “Yes, he is nasty.” He whispered to himself, but then his mind pointed out that the man really wasn’t disgusting in the least, that in fact, he was quite the opposite. He probably was going crazy… really, really crazy. This had to be devil’s work… Maybe a visit to church would help? And maybe, what he really needed to do was to find a girl to kiss. Yes, that would be it, just kiss some girl and be normal again. Hanna would kiss him gladly, he knew she would. But why did he feel so ill just thinking about kissing her then? He really didn’t like her. But he was sure it could be changed, maybe they had just started off of a wrong foot, maybe she really was a sweet girl…? Oh how he truly hoped that she would be.

**^^**^^**^^**^^**

He had the worst headache ever. They sat by the lake, Hanna was snuggling against him, kissing his cheeks, kissing his lips (close mouthed mind you) and telling him how happy she was that he had finally had the courage to ask her for a walk. He was really starting to get pissed off, what did she mean that he had had the courage?! It was not out of shyness that he had ran from her for goodness sake! It was just because he found her whole being so utterly annoying, even hearing her voice made him feel ill… So… Well, after he thought about it, maybe it really was brave of him to have asked her. After all, he was in great pain now because of it; mental pain.

“You’re the most handsome boy here.” She told him, then there was a quiet giggle. “In fact, you might be the most handsome boy in all of this country, perhaps even in this whole world.” Her hand caressed his cheek and he felt really embarrassed, he always felt embarrassed when people said things like that, complimented his looks.
“Am not…” He muttered.
“Yes, you are, you are to me…” She purred. “Everyone will be so jealous after I tell them…” She whispered close to his ear.
“Tell them what?” He couldn’t help but to shriek. The girl looked at him and then she smiled.
“That you and I are now an item” He looked at her as though she had gone mad. He quickly stood up.
“You and I are not an item of any kind.” He said, looking at her. Her lips began to tremble, her eyes watered. She turned her face away. He started to feel really bad, he hated to see a girl crying. He knelt down again, touched her shoulder.
“Please, don’t cry Hanna…” He whispered. “I’m sorry…” He said then.
“You think I’m ugly and I am… I was a fool to think you might care for me.” She sobbed.
“No Hanna… You are very beautiful... I… please don’t cry.” He was so bad at this, he thought to himself.
“But you hate me…” She cried, looking at him with her green brown eyes that still held the tears in them.
“I don’t hate you… Of course I don’t.” She smiled through her tears.
“So you’ll go to the next dance with me?” She asked with hope.
“Will it stop your tears if I say yes?” He asked and got an enthusiastic nod as a reply. He sighed deeply. “Alright then.”

**^^**^^**^^**^^

They sat in an old hay barn.
“So who wants to have the first taste?” Nikolas asked, gesturing to the bottle of moonshine that he had stolen from his father. Olavi tried to look anywhere else but the bottle, he had no desire to drink that foul stuff.
“Olavi.” He heard his name then and cursed silently. He turned his face to look at Nikolas. “As the new one in our group, you get to be the first.” The older boy grinned at him. Other two were looking at him as well, expectantly.
“Older first?” Olavi tried looking at them and smiling. Nikolas just shook his head, still grinning and keeping his eyes firmly on him.
“No, I want you to be the first, or perhaps you’re not man enough?” That worked for him and so he took the bottle, took a deep breath and tasted it. It burned his throat and he coughed viciously. The other boys laughed and then drank from the bottle as well.
“You just need more practise.” Nikolas told him, giving him the bottle again.
Hesitating, he took another drink, he just wanted to make some friends and if that meant drinking some home-made vodka, then he would just force himself into it. Plus, it would probably be the best way to forget about the kiss, the dream and the promise to Hanna. Gods, he hated the mere idea of dancing with her…

**^^**^^**^^**^^**

This definitely hadn’t been the greatest idea he had had, drinking moonshine and walking home late at night…Or at least he tried to walk, he was hiccuping, giggling and stumbling, few times he actually fell down. The other boys had decided to stay and sleep in the barn, but he had wanted to go home, sleep in his own bed and maybe tell that Russian a thing or two… Or maybe better not. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to see the man or not…

**^^**^^**^^**^^**


Alexander sat on the porch, smoking a cigarette, gazing up at the night sky. He felt confused and lost, he wasn’t sure where he was going. Most of his life, well at least after the war; he had just been drifting. He hadn’t really been living, he just sort of was…

He rarely laughed anymore, rarely found any joy in life. For the past 11 years he had just felt such emptiness, such sorrow and such loneliness. The days, weeks, months and years passed by him; he only grew older.

He felt tired of the endless running from the past. There really was no one that would wait for him at home, he wasn’t even sure where his home was. There had only been a few people in his life that he had truly cared for, and almost everyone of them were dead, everyone except Sergei and his family. Only Sergei understood him and was often trying to convince him to join back amongst the living; away from the shadows and back into the sun, but perhaps he had just seen too much evil to do so?

Would the dark, evil shadows of his past ever stop following him? He just hoped that they wouldn't find him this time.

Last night had confused him. The dream… Speaking to Elias and then seeing the boy… His mind had tricked him, made him see something that wasn’t there, the flash of green… The body of the boy had felt so warm, he never realized how much he had missed the warmness of another, the touch, the real touch…

He woke from his deep thoughts when he heard someone hiccupping and then stumbling onto the porch. He turned his head and saw Olavi sitting on his bottom close to the door and giggling quietly. Alexander stood up and the boy snapped his head towards him. A hint of fear, then anger, then nervousness flashed in his eyes.
“You’re drunk.” Alexander took note. Olavi lifted his chin up, tried to get up, but failed.
“Am not…” He tried.
“Yes, you are.” Alexander said and walked closer.
"So what if I am? You're not my father." He said glaring at him. Alexander sighed.
"Indeed I am not, but I still think you're a bit too young to drink like this."
He said as he offered his hand to the boy, who couldn’t pull himself up on his own.

He took the helping hand, stumbling backwards a little.
"I'm almost 16." He said, hiccupping, covering his mouth with his hand, trying to make the hiccupping stop. After some swallowing he took the hand down and tried to support himself against the wall behind him. His eyes met the Russian’s. "You didn't seem to think I was too young last night, now did you?" He asked tilting his head to the side.
Alexander didn't know what to say, "I've noticed the way you keep looking at me and last night... Last night you kissed me... Why did you? I know that you couldn't have been just sleep walking..." The man was silent, searching for the right answer to give, not knowing what it would be.
"I-" He started, ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. "Alright, you really want to know?" He asked then.

Chapter 6.

Olavi looked at him and nodded his head. “Yes, I want to know.” He told him.

Alexander sat down, gesturing to him to do the same. When the boy did, he lit up another cigarette. He was quiet for a while and Olavi began to wonder if the man would ever start telling him what he wanted to know.
“Long time ago, I-…” Alexander turned to look at him, hesitating. “It was war then and I fell in love with someone who I wasn’t supposed to and I believe that I had his heart as well. But like I said, it was war then and he- he was killed… I guess I’ve never really moved past his death and you… you remind me of him. I saw a dream and when I woke, still fuzzy from the sleep, I saw him in your place. This is why I kissed you.” He told him, not able to tell the whole truth to the boy, the timing didn’t feel right or perhaps he just wasn’t ready to leave?

“He?” Was the only thing that Olavi could say at the time. His mind spinning with questions, fears and images that the confession had brought to him.
“Yes. You’re now the only one that I’ve told this in many years.” He admitted, smiled sadly. “Does this frighten you?” He asked then.
“Does it frighten me that you… that you are that way? That you are a…” Olavi tried to find the right words for it, but came up with nothing. His mind was spinning and he wasn’t sure if it was from the alcohol or from what the man had just told him. He knew he should feel disgusted, but somehow he didn’t. His head started to ache from the drinking. “I’m not frightened… I just, uh… I won’t tell this if you won’t tell my sister about this night.” He asked.
“Agreed.” The man promised.
“Now, I need to… I need to get to bed, to get some sleep.” Olavi said, feeling quite nauseated, his body had began to tremble.
“Here let me help you.” Alexander offered standing up and giving his hand to him.

“I don’t need help, I’ll be alright.” The boy said as he got up on his own with trembling legs. He felt so confused about everything. A part of him was happy to know the secret that the man had kept, but a part of him felt slightly disappointed about the fact that it had been someone else on the man’s mind every time he had looked at him, and this was what disturbed him the most.

**^^**^^**^^**^^**^^**^^**

“I want to go there.” She whispered.
“To India? Why there?” There was a gentle smile on his lips.
“I want to see the elephants, the women with black hair and colourful clothes, the parrots, everything.”
“It’s very hot there and the air is filled with spices… Maybe someday I can take you there.”
“After the war ends?”
“Yes, after the war ends.”
“I want to come too!” The little boy pouted.
“Of course, we would not leave you behind, Olavi. One day, once the war has ended and I am married to Emma, we’ll take a trip there, all four of us.”
“Will mama come too?” The boy asked again.
“Yes, if she is well enough, I’m sure she will.” He smiled and the children snuggled closer to his warmth.
“I wish we were already there.” The girl muttered.
“We can take an imaginary trip there right now, how would that sound?”
“Yes!”
“Alright…close your eyes…”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


He screams in agony, the sound of his pain left to repeat in her ears. His eyes meet with hers only for a brief moment; filled with tears. He has always been strong, he has always been the one to protect them, but this time he cannot even protect himself.

He is naked, screaming, crying as the men laugh, as one by one they move in him, tearing him, breaking him. There’s blood, she sees the blood, she sees him trembling. The sounds of laughter, moaning, screaming and crying mix together. They are hurting him, raping him…


Aino woke up with a cry, she sat up gasping for air, stared at the far wall. Her whole body was covered with sweat, her hair moist, her night gown glued to her body and she wept. The images, she could not get rid of them, she could not will herself to forget and there was no one whom she could talk to about them. Carefully she stood up, sparkled some water on her face, before she carefully sneaked across the room, out of the door, towards her younger brother’s room.

She opened the door softly and saw him sleeping. She hesitated, but stepped in just the same and closed the door. She walked close to the bed, smiled gently and knelt down to touch his cheek, she stroked his hair gently and kissed his forehead. She smelled the alcohol on him.
“What have you been doing?” She whispered quietly, but could not feel the anger that she should as the boy looked so much like an angel when he slept.

She stood up and sat on a chair close to his bed, just looking at him quietly. She worried for him, everyday she was afraid that something might happen to him and ever since the Russian had stepped into their lives, her worry had been growing. She saw the way that the man looked at her brother and that look was anything but innocent. The man was looking at him that way, she could see it in his eyes, the lust that the man did try his best to hide, but she could see that it was there and it made her sick to her stomach.

What worried her the most was the fact that she could see that Olavi had begun to show interest towards the man as well. She knew that he was curious about him, but did he know what he was getting himself into? Olavi was sweet and kind, perhaps sometimes a bit too gullible for his own good. So she could not help but worry for him.

He moaned in his sleep, moving, beginning to wake up. He stretched his arms, yawning and then slowly his eyes opened. He startled slightly when he realized that there was someone else in the room with him.
“Good morning, little brother.” Aino smiled to him in an amused manner.
“Morning,” He mumbled, pulling the blanket up to cover his mouth.
“Oh that won’t help a thing, I can smell it on you, you’ve been drinking, haven’t you?” She scolded him.
“Um…” He blinked his eyes, looking ashamed with himself. “I feel really ill…” He confessed.
“That is what you should feel, it will teach you not to touch that stuff, will it not?”
“Aye…” She smiled to him.
“Now just you remember that.” She said and got up. “I’ll bring you some tea, it’s alright if you just rest today, I forgive you this once.”

After a few minutes she returned with the tea and gave it to her brother who made some effort to sit up. She sat down on the chair again, with her own tea cup in hand.
“There is something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about.” She said then. Olavi, who held the warm cup between his hands and was tasting it, looked at her with question.
“It’s about that Russian…” She started and noticed a strange look in his eyes. A look that told her that she was right with her worries. “I-, I do not like you spending so much time with him. There is something in him, he is…” She hesitated.
“Maybe it’s just because he is a Russian, maybe that’s the only reason you suspect him, but I’ve talked to him Aino, I’ve talked to him and I like him.” He said. She sighed deeply, feeling frustrated and stood up, walking close to the window and back again. Olavi followed her with his eyes, wondering what was going through her mind. She stood still and turned to look at him.

“You want to believe in the good in people and I respect that, I just… I worry about you, you’re the only family I have left and I-, I don’t want that…”
“What is it that you fear?” He asked carefully. “What possible harm could it make for me to be friends with him?” Aino looked at him quietly, wondering if she should share her memory with him.
“They took our brother…” She said then and he was quiet for awhile.
“Some men did, some Russians, but Alexander wasn't one of them.”
“He looks at you like he-” She started. He started to feel uneasy, wondering what she was about to say. “I ... I just don’t like you near him… Please Olavi, as your sister I’m asking you to be careful. Will you promise?” She begged kneeling down on the floor and taking her hand between his.
“I can promise that I’ll be careful. You won’t lose me Aino, I promise.” He said thinking that it was unnecessary to promise to stay away from the man; inside he knew he didn’t want to stay away, that he couldn’t stay away.

**^^**^^**^^**^^**

Olavi noticed that the man was trying to avoid him after the confession, though he still caught him looking at him sometimes.

Alexander was a man who didn’t talk much, he didn’t laugh, smiled rarely, there was a certain amount of sadness in his eyes that never faded. Emma would talk to him often, sometimes the woman got him to smile and a few times the smile was actually genuine. Olavi was certain that Emma had a crush on him, and she wasn’t the only woman in the village. Alexander was a tall, dark, handsome man, who could certainly please an eye. The men in village seemed to hate him even more for it.

The nasty remarks and the laughs he got, were taken as if they had no affect on him at all. He seemed to have a wall build around him that no one could quite get past. As the days went by, Olavi wanted to break that wall more and more, to get him to live again. He knew that he was in trouble for feeling the way that he did towards him, it was a sin, one could be arrested or even killed for it, should the wrong people find out. But still he couldn’t help but think about it.

**^^**^^**^^**^^**

He walked into the church, sat on the long bench and stared at the altar painting with a deep thought.
“Olavi, how nice to see you here.” The old priest smiled warmly to him.
“Father.” He greeted him.
“Is there something troubling you, son?” The man asked and saw the boy hesitate, so he sat down next to him.
“I-, did you know my parents, father?”
“Yes, I knew them, I was the one who married them to one another and the one to baptise you and your siblings.” He smiled. “They were good people and I don’t think I’ve ever seen two people more in love than your parents.” Olavi glanced at him.
“I don’t understand father…” He started. “What I mean is… They were good people, they were good Christians, my brother was a good Christian, a good brother and yet all of them suffered such a horrible fate and I…”
“What you want to know is how could God allow that to happen to them?” He asked.
“Yes.”

The old man sighed. “It is hard at times to understand the ways of God, you are not the only one to have asked me that. You might question your believes, it is natural for us to do so, but you must keep your faith, son. Your family is in a better place now, I can assure you of that.” Olavi was quiet for awhile.
“But what about this life? No matter how good of a person you are, no matter what you do to please God, it is not enough.”
“What we do in this life, affects the afterlife. We get our reward in heaven.” Olavi frowned.
“How can you be sure that there is heaven? What if there’s not? What if you do just one mistake and…? What if this is as good as it can get? So one should just suffer in this life, with only having the faith that once you die, you get to be happy? And why do some people get to live their lives happy and rich no matter how good or bad they are, when others have to suffer? It hardly seems fair to me.”
“Child, you ask too many questions. What I suggest for you is to read the Bible and you get your questions answered.”

So the priest left him with bunch of religious reading, but not with an answer that would have satisfied him. He visited his mother’s grave before leaving home, placing wild flowers on the grave side, running his fingers on the engraved initials. Viivi Elisabeth Lahti B: 1.9.1908 D: January 1943. He sat there for a long time, thinking about her, the blurry images that he had of her. He wondered if she would be proud of him or not.
“I love you mother.” He whispered before standing up, one last look before he turned and left.

**^^**^^**^^***

Alexander was not at the dance on Saturday, he never attended the gatherings, though Olavi had heard Emma trying to talk him into going many times. Olavi could not blame the man for not going, some men would have given him hard time with no doubt, especially after some drinking.

After he had danced a few times with Hanna, he managed to leave without her noticing, to his sister he told that he was simply tired and would go home to sleep. Reluctantly Aino let him leave on his own.

He felt nervous when he entered the room where Alexander slept. He wasn’t there, but he was sure that the man would come there soon. He sat on the bed’s side and waited. No exactly sure what he was doing but knowing that he needed to do it, that he needed to talk to him.

**^^**^^**^^**^^**

Alexander washed his face and looked at himself in the mirror. The lines under his eyes, on his forehead, he looked so tired and he looked old. He smiled lazily to himself and ran his fingers through his hair, sighing. Another day was over, another day that he survived. He did not like to think of the future much, for each day seemed so much like the one before it, he saw no light. He had no idea where he would go after the job was done, nor did he really care. Every place was the same and the people… He thought about the young blond boy, Elias’s brother and smiled slightly, then he thought of Emma. The woman had been very friendly to him and somehow he hoped that he would be able to pay her back for her kindness. Though it would most likely end when he finally told her the truth.

He decided not to think of it now, there was always the next day, the better day…

When he entered his room and saw the boy on his bed, his heart almost jumped to his throat.
“I’ve been thinking.” Olavi started. “I-, I think there might be some curse planted on my family. My parents were good people they never hurt anyone, they lived their lives respecting the word of God. Mother got two stillborns after my brother. Then the war started, father was killed, mom got ill, she was ill for such a long time and then… Then my brother, I know he must be dead, like my mother, like my father and like the two siblings I never got to see. And it doesn’t end there… Both of my grandparents are dead, my aunts, my uncles… There is no one left, there is just me and my sister.” He looked at him for the first time since the man had entered.
“I do not know anything of the afterlife, I only know that I am alive now and I… I want to live now, I wan to live before I die, if there really is a curse, then I want to feel, I want to feel that I’ve been alive before I-“ He stood up. “You never laugh, I haven’t heard you laugh while you’ve been here and your eyes… You are so lost in your grief that you don’t see the beauty of a moment, you’re trapped in the darkness, you are alive but you don’t really live.” He gathered all the bravery that he had inside and walked closer to him, until he was standing right before him. He lifted his hand up, touched the man’s cheek gently, then his lips, heard as Alexander's breathing got heavier. He got up on his tiptoes and softly touched his lips with his own.
“I want you to show me what it’s like.” He whispered and with uncertainty he touched the man’s chest, ran his fingers down.

Alexander felt the heat of the boy’s body, his lips, his touch. It had been such a long time and his senses were high, his skin was hot and he wanted, oh how he wanted to feel more, to touch the boy, to take the boy. He kept his eyes closed, trying desperately to control himself, to get some sort of hold, he couldn’t do this, surely he couldn’t? The boy couldn’t possibly know what he was asking, what he was doing.
Alexander felt his fingers on his lower stomach and quickly grasped the boys wrist, tightly, the boy gasped in surprise.
“You do not understand what you’re asking for.” Alexander whispered, his voice already thick with lust and the urge to satisfy it. He opened his eyes and stared into the deep blue ones.
“I-, I want this, I want to feel, please….” The boy pleaded with small voice.
Every cell in Alexander’s body wanted to act. ‘Just take him’ the voice inside his mind whispered.

Chapter 7.

He breathed heavily, feeling the warmness close to him, so close. He could feel himself starting to lose all sense of reality. Soft hands, carefully moving on his sides, touching, feeling the muscles through his shirt. He looked down at the blond hair. The boy was a head shorter than him. His eyes followed the movements of the hands on his body. His own hands; clenched to a fist on his side, slowly relaxing, ever so slowly, carefully touching the arm of the boy. He began to lose himself into the feeling, how long had it been? How many years? He hadn’t allowed himself to feel for such a long time and now… Now something, inside, something was waking. He was trembling, moving his hand on the boy’s thigh, lightly touching the curve of his lower back, just above the buttocks.

Such a familiar feeling and yet so long ago forgotten, his other hand reached out, touched the smooth skin of the boy’s cheek. His hand was carefully taken, lean fingers wrapped around his wrist, his fingers meeting with the soft pink lips. Blue eyes looking deep into his, asking, pleading for something, did the boy even know what he was asking? Eyes, filled with such innocence, such warmness that he had missed. Love, promises…The hot breathing, his skin felt like it was tingling, how long had it been? The heath of another body so close and he knew it could get better, he remembered…

Their lips met, it was a soft kiss, insecure kiss. His arms moved to take a support of the lighter, smaller body before him. The boy felt so fragile in his hands, for a moment he thought that he might be able to break him if he held him too tight.

The room was dark, soft light of the moon behind the window, quietness of the evening, breathing. Kiss. The sweet taste of the boy, familiar but different at the same time. The kiss deepened, he held the body closer to his, losing himself into the awakening hunger. A rush of emotions, forgotten, forbidden feelings, all coming back at once. He remembered how good it had felt to hold him, how good it had felt to kiss him, make love to him. He loved him, loved him and oh how he missed him.

The boy before him, the boy he is holding now, fits into his arms so perfectly; almost like it’s meant to be. His shirt falls down onto the floor with the guiding of the boy’s hands.

There’s no turning back, he can’t turn back, tasting a forbidden fruit and the taste is as sweet as he knew it would be, maybe even sweeter. It is easy for him to lift the boy up, it is easy for him to carry the boy onto his bed and lay him down there. Move on top of him, move the shirt up, kiss the stomach, his navel, move the shirt higher, undress it completely with a little bit of help.

In amazement he runs his fingers on the naked chest, circles his fingers around the nipples, can’t help but notice similarities. A ghostly smile, the glimmer of the golden gross on the boy’s neck. He can hear the fast beat of his heart. The heath of his body, soft moans as he kisses the skin, moves lower.

The click of the belt as he hauls it open, the rustle of the fabric, untouched beauty before him, naked, insecurely the boy’s hands move, wanting to cover his organ, feeling so exposed, not knowing what to expect, what is going to happen. But gently his hands are moved away and the boy feels the hot breathing against his shaft, which in excitement grows, blood rushing down fast. He’s never felt anything like this, his skin feels so hot, his cheeks are burning.

Suddenly a pair of lips takes his length into the warmness of the mouth, he trembles, not sure how long he can last, not sure if he wants it to stop or not, the pleasure is so strong that it’s almost painful. He knows he can’t last for long. ‘This is so wrong.’ the voice in his mind whispers. ‘Such a bad boy.’ whispers another. He can feel the sweat on his forehead and he moans, panting, it’s hard to breathe evenly. He isn’t sure what’s happening.

Suddenly a sharp pain moves through him as the finger enters him. He tries to squirm, such an odd feeling, not sure if he should try to escape from it or not. The man holds him still and sucks him harder and then it becomes too much and with a surprised yelp he comes.

Alexander licks the boy clean, listening to his panting, fingering him at the same time, taking some moisturising cream and preparing the boy with it. Knowing he couldn’t draw back if the boy would ask him now, hoping he wouldn’t ask him to stop. Slowly he opens his own pants, pulling his cock out. He moves Olavi's legs apart, moving to lie between them. He hears the boy whimpering as he starts pushing in, couldn’t get in at first try, had to push in harder. The boy lets out a cry when his muscles finally give in to the hard thrust.

Olavi had never felt such a pain before, he trembled under the man, cried quietly, his nails digging into his flesh. His lips trembled as he held back a sob. The man didn’t move, just laid there, his hard penis inside him.

Alexander looked at the boys face, saw the pain in his features and kissed his skin softly. A smooth kiss on the trembling lips.
“Shh… It’s alright, it will stop hurting soon, I promise.” He whispered. “Open your eyes.” He asked gently and slowly the blue eyes fluttered open. Slowly he started moving inside him, kissing the boy; his forehead, cheeks and lips. He could feel himself getting close, it had been such a long time.

The man moved him onto his stomach and entered him again, this time the pain slowly faded. Then he felt sudden pleasure as the man seemed to hit something inside him, he couldn’t help but moan. Then he pulled him on his lap, moved him. He listened to the moans that the man was making, feeling strange and feeling pleasure at the same time. With a quiet moan Alexander finally came, holding onto the boy tightly.

They were both trying to catch their breathing, the man laid him down again, pulled out and laid next to him. They were silent for a long time.

Olavi could feel the cum leaking out, dripping down his thighs. It still felt as though there was something in him and he wasn’t sure what really had just taken place between them. He felt pain, didn’t think he could move. His heart was jumping in his chest, he suddenly felt scared and cold, alone, didn’t know what would happen now. When he had walked into the room, he had wanted… he had wanted something, but wasn’t exactly sure what. And now he laid there with the man who just moments earlier had been inside him.

Suddenly he felt as Alexander moved on the bed, turning on his side, carefully touching his face, his hair, almost lovingly, gently, insecurely. Olavi turned his head and looked at the man, his eyes watering.
“It was your first time.” Alexander spoke, not really asking, just taking a note and Olavi could do nothing but to nod. “I hope I didn’t hurt you much?” He shook his head for a reply. Lost for words.
“Are you cold?” He asked. “Come here.” The man pulled him close, sheltering him with a blanket.

Olavi wanted to ask him something, he wanted to ask what would happen, but found no strength for his voice. He felt warm now, lying against the man, under the blanked, listening to his breathing and the beat of his heart. He felt like he could stay there the whole night, hoping that he could.

It was too soon when he heard the voices, when he heard the others getting back.
“I have to go…” He whispered standing up, finding his clothes, dressing, trying to ignore the pain and feeling him looking at him.
“Good night.” He whispered quietly, sneaking out of the room after checking that no one would see him.
“Good night.” Alexander whispered back watching as the boy left. He sighed, stared at the ceiling and placed his hand on his forehead. He could still smell him, still taste him, still feel him. A small smile on his lips that died away soon and turned into a worry. What had he just done? Had he really taken that boy’s virginity? Had he really just slept with him? Kissed him? He knew this would bring him trouble and cursed the darkness, cursed himself for wanting to feel the boy close to him again. And then he thought of Elias and felt guilty, felt like he had failed him completely. He was more confused than he had ever been before.

Chapter 8.

Olavi laid on his bed, facing the wall, blanket drawn up high. Soon enough he heard steps echoing from the hall; coming closer to his door and he faked asleep. The door creaked open, opening his eyes a little he could see the light coming from behind. He knew it was her, he could feel her worry; she always worried. This time; maybe she did have a reason to do so?

He hoped that she would leave, knowing that he couldn’t face her now. He couldn’t let her find out what had happened.

The door closed softly after a gentle whisper of goodnight. He closed his eyes, few tears fell down on his cheeks, it still hurt. He trembled; what if the man would never want to see him again? And what had they done? Olavi listened, waiting until it got quiet.

He stood up carefully, feeling like he should wash himself; still dirty from the man’s cum. Walking hurt, he cursed silently, wondering if he would be able to walk better the next day, hoping that he could.

He walked quietly, outside, towards the sauna building. It was cold inside, but water in the boiler was still slightly warm, as it had been boiled earlier that night for the sauna, before the dance had started.

He undressed and started washing himself. He shivered, touched himself carefully down where it burned; moist and slippery. He took some soap and washed it all away. Still feeling slightly confused and scared about what he had done with the man. It had felt good in the end, feeling he had never before known it existed. But what would happen now? What should he do?

He closed his eyes, remembering the kisses, how good it felt to feel his body against his own. The man’s lips around his - … He blushed slightly in the darkness, a small smile on his lips. And then there had been pain, pain that he could still feel inside. Another man had been inside of him and it was…it had been… Painful, yes, but he had liked to be held so, kissed so… He knew it was wrong, but he couldn’t help but to want more.

He dried himself up, dressed his clothes back on and walked outside.

**^^**^^**^^**^^**

Alexander could not fall asleep, he was tossing and turning and finally gave up on trying. He stood up, dressed and decided to go out for a smoke. The night was slightly chilly, but beautiful and still. He watched the stars and the moon, remembering, regretting, mourning. His voice, his touch. The green eyes, smile on the pale lips; the sadness, the goodbye. So many things had been left unspoken.

Closing his eyes, he found himself thinking of Olavi; the blue eyes, the innocent. It felt good to hold him, taking him. He opened his eyes again.

Hearing something, he turned to look and saw the boy. Olavi stood few feet away, looking at him with insecurity. Alexander put out the cigarette and walked closer.
“Hey.” He said softly, their eyes met.
“Hey.” Olavi whispered, looking down at his shoes.
“Couldn’t fall asleep?” The man asked.
“I had to wash…” He told him, raising his gaze back up. There was an uncomfortable silence, until Alexander finally closed the distance and touched his cheek and his hair.

“Are you alright?” The blue eyes looked up to him, nodding softly.
“Um, what-“ Olavi gulped. “-What happens now?” He finally dared to ask. Alexander was quiet for a while which made him feel more nervous.
“What would you like to happen?” He asked.
“I-, I’m not sure…”
“If I hurt you, I’m sorry. I just got a little carried away with the moment, I shouldn’t have…” He started.
“No, I- … I’m not sorry and you shouldn’t be either…” The boy blushed slightly.
“You’re so young… I’m old enough to…” A finger was placed on his lips.
“I know what I feel, I know what I want and… you don’t seem that old.” He smiled and Alexander couldn’t help but to smile back as he looked at him.

Looking around carefully and seeing no one Olavi gave a light kiss on his cheek. Alexander turned his head so that their lips meet, Olavi smiled to the kiss.
“Can I sleep next to you? I would go back before the others wake.”
“Yes of course you may…” Alexander whispered.

**^^**^^**^^**^^**

Waking up to the first light of the sun, Olavi turned and saw Alexander lying there next to him. He smiled, watched his peaceful sleep, calm expression on his features and couldn’t help himself; he kissed the man’s cheek gently, waking him up.

Alexander opened his eyes and met with his, the boy smiled shyly and he returned the smile. The man moved his hand to touch the boy’s cheek, looking at his face more closely; observing the differences; Olavi’s nose was slightly smaller, the shape of his chin was different, his eyebrows… Small differences but differences still, differences that made him not the copy of his brother, but a person of his own. The most striking difference was the color of his eyes, though the shape was very much the same. He studied the light, small birthmarks on his skin; one on the right side of his upper lip…

“Why do you look at me so closely…” Olavi whispered.
“I’m storing your image in my mind.” He answered, smiling, letting his hand travel down his naked chest. “You are beautiful.” He whispered then. Olavi blushed.
“Am I?” He asked muttering, holding back a smile.
“Yes.”
“Women are beautiful and men…”
“Men can be too, handsome, beautiful; you are both, don’t ever question it.”
“Well, thank you… You are handsome too Alex, very much so.” Olavi whispered, looking at him, smiling.
“Thank you.” Alexander smiled back and played with the boy’s soft hair. Olavi sighed, turned to lie on his stomach and looked outside.

He turned his head then to the side and looked back at Alexander.
“This feels strange, being here, laying here naked with you, but I feel comfortable here, I wouldn’t want to leave your bed.” Alexander was silent and stroked his naked back. “But I know I must, the sun is almost up, they will wake soon… I wonder what they’d do to us if they’d found out about us.”

“Well, I doubt they’d do anything to you, but as for myself, well who knows? They might hang me or shoot me; for seducing an underage boy, taking his innocents… I’m a grown man, you are but a boy still…”
“I’m not that young, do I look so young?” Olavi asked.
“Let me see…” Alexander disappeared under the blanket making Olavi laugh quietly when he started kissing his body in a way that tickled him. “Stop…” He giggled and Alexander lifted the blanket up revealing himself. Olavi laid on his back and Alexander laid on top of him.
“You are a man, a beautiful young man.” He whispered. They looked in each other’s eyes and kissed.

“I really should go, though I wouldn’t want to leave.”
Alexander kissed his lips once more before rolling to lay on his side.
“I would like to keep you here longer, but I think it would be a death wish to do so.”
“And I wouldn’t want you to get killed so I’ll go.” One more kiss was exchanged before Olavi was able to make himself leave the room, he missed his touch already when the door close after him. This was going to be hard, no doubt about that.

**^^**^^**^^**^^**

Aino followed her brother closely when he came to breakfast that morning. She noticed the pained expression on his face when he sat down and the slight smile that appeared on his lips later, seeming to be lost in his own world somewhere. Almost as if… could it be? That look… could it mean that?
“Okay, who is that girl?” She finally asked. Olavi looked at her in surprise, almost choking to his tea.
“What girl?”
“The one who got that goofy smile on your face, the dreamy look in your eyes?” This was the exact moment when Alexander stepped in, hearing her question. Aino met with the man’s eyes and quickly he looked away helping himself with the coffee, but listening carefully.

“I uh, um…” Olavi didn’t know what he should do, how he should answer.
“Did Hanna finally manage to capture your heart?” She asked with curiosity.
“Um, there were other things on my mind, a dream I had… I uh… I saw a dream of mom and dad, Elias was in it, too and they all seemed so happy and that is what got me to smile… I think they’re happy.” He told her and didn’t even have to lie much. He had seen a dream of them.

“Good morning.” Alexander said to them as he sat down.
“Good morning.” Olavi smiled. Aino, however, didn’t even look at him and stood up, clearing her dishes from the table

“Olavi, remember that we’re leaving to the church soon. Finish your breakfast and get dressed.” Aino said and walked away from the kitchen, leaving them alone.
“Your sister doesn’t like me much, does she?” Alexander whispered quietly. Olavi stood up.
“She doesn’t know you, if she did, she couldn’t help but like you; Russian or not.” He whispered back, touched him briefly, secretly, before he had to go and get dressed in his church clothes.

**^^**^^**^^**^^**^^**

He sneaked into his room the following night and the nights after that, unable to stay away. A new kind of pleasure, a new kind of excitement, a secret. Olavi loved being held by him, feeling his closeness, telling him things.

“My Swedish stepbrother Anton and his cousins hate me, they treated me like a second class citizen; Get this, Olavi, do that.’ They called me a stupid, ignorant, Finnish orphan… They made me feel like I didn’t belong there… I think he was jealous, that his father shared his love to me and my sister.” Olavi told him, while drawing circles on the man’s chest after love making. “I’m happy to be home, though at first I felt odd coming here from Stockholm, after getting used to the city life there. My Swedish writing skill is better than my Finnish and sometimes the other boys here give me a hard time for it. They think that I’m smug for it, that I believe I’m better than them because of it. I’m not though, in my heart, I’m as much Finnish as they are, even though I’ve lived most of my live in Sweden… It’s funny in a way, I can’t seem to please anyone…”
“That’s where you’re wrong; you please me.” Alexander whispered, getting him to smile.
“I’m glad then. ”

“What about you Alex, tell me about your family; are they still alive?”
“No, my parents are dead, my mother died when I was 10, my father raised me, he was a good man, though a very busy man and I didn’t get to see him that often. He is dead now as well, killed in the war like many others.”

“Do you miss him much?”
“Who? My father?”
“No, I mean the boy you said you loved, the one who got killed?” Alexander hesitated for a while, before he answered.
“Yes, I miss him at times. He was young like you, too young to die like that.”
“How did he die?” Olavi asked looking up to see his expression. Alexander met with his eyes.
“It still feels hard to talk about it, to remember it… I-, I watched him die and I couldn’t do anything to save him…” Olavi reached out to kiss his lips and looked deep into his eyes.

“We never really lose the ones we love, they’re still here; in our hearts and in our memories. Think of the good things you shared with him, do not think of the darkness of how you lost him… And no, I do not believe he would blame you for being with me like this now. If he loved you, he would want you to move on and be happy, he would want you to live... Remember him in your heart and all I ask, is for you to make a little room there for me as well…” He whispered and kissed him again. Alexander looked at him in amazement, placed his hand on his cheek.
“You truly are not a child anymore, are you?” He whispered and Olavi smiled.
“I told you that I’m not. Yes; I might have my childish moments, but I do understand things, I know of things… I’m not that ignorant an orphan as they accused me of being… And I’m on a mission; I’m on a mission to get you to live again. I’m determined and I will not fail,“

Alexander held him even closer, smelling his hair which smelled like sweet apples.
“I think you’ve already succeeded in it, for I haven’t felt more alive in years.” He whispered then.

Chapter 9.

The boy had so much spirit, so much life. He was warm, innocent and loving; so pure, so untouched by the cruelness of the world and yet he knew of it, had experienced it.

“My mother, I know she loved us with all her heart, I don’t remember much, but I do remember what it felt like to be held by her. She usually kept her hair up, but I remember times when she let it down, falling down to her waist, like soft, golden hay. To me, she looked like an angel.” The boy had told him one night.

Olavi liked to talk about his family, though he remembered so little of them. He would also ask him to tell stories of his family. Alexander had remained silent for so long and he had been alone for what felt like a lifetime, that now, having someone to hold, to talk to, made him remember things long ago forgotten and he realized that remembering didn’t always have to be painful, that one could actually smile at the memories of the people long ago lost and loved.

“My mother was a wise, beautiful woman, she always wanted more children, but I was the only one she got and she did love me, spoiled me even. We were rich once, lived in a fine house in Moscow, had everything one could ever ask for. As a child I was happy, up until she died; father changed after that, I believe her death broke his heart, he never remarried…” With that Alexander realised how much he and his father were the same; he had almost ended up the same way as his father had; never able to love anyone beside the one love lost too early.

But now? Every time he looked at Olavi, he felt such warmness, he felt at peace and he longed to hold the boy when he was not around, he longed to touch him when he was near and feared for him, feared the day when it would be taken away from him, nothing good lasted forever, it was the lesson that life had taught him well.

Secret meetings, stolen kisses, stolen moments. Gazing at the moon at nights outside in the forest, in each other’s arms, the only time of day that they could be like that with each other, outside in the darkness of their usual meeting place; the guestroom where he slept.

The boy was quite a gifted artist, he had shown him his work and spoken of his dreams; of going to Paris, of learning the language and painting there, becoming a true artist.


“When the summer ends, I want to go with you…” Olavi said one night as he was lying in his arms by the tree, beside the lake. “My stepparents want me to return to Stockholm, but I want to go with you. I don’t want to go back there.” Alexander was quiet for a while.
“Where would we go?” He asked then, with a voice no louder than a whisper.
“Anywhere, to Moscow, to your home, if you’d like.”
“I will not take you there.” Alexander said firmly.
“Why?”
“I-, I just can’t take you there,” He said, wanting to tell the true reason, but not finding the right words. ‘Because there are people who are trying to track me down, people that might hurt you…’ He thought to himself almost saying it out loud but the words got stuck to his throat; it was his greatest fear; that he would find him, that he would find Olavi.

“Well, come with me to Paris then, to be honest; I’d rather go there anyway.”
“And your sister?” Alexander asked. Olavi was quiet.
“I don’t know… I wouldn’t want to leave her, I’m not sure if I even could, but I-,” The boy glanced at him nervously. “But I wouldn’t want to leave you either and you… You’re the one I love… I would even follow you to your home land.” It had been hard for him to say, the strong words of love, the fear of what the man would answer, what his first love would answer, the man that had been closer to him than anyone before, the man who had been inside of him. Alexander touched his face, kissed his forehead and his lips, smiled.

“What would people think when seeing you with me?” He asked then. Olavi lowered his gaze, swallowing down the lump in his throat; the disappointment that the answer had not been the one that he had hoped.
“I guess they’d think that you’re my father.” He tried to joke, but his laughter was weak.
Alexander shook his head, smiling in amusement.
“So you do think I’m old then?” He asked. Olavi shook his head, smiling as well.
“No,” he said and looked up.
“Well I am, and it is true that I could be your father considering our age difference, but as soon as we would open our mouths; I think it would quite clear that we’re not the same blood. And besides we don’t exactly look alike, now do we?” He asked with a grin.
“You’re right, we don’t. You look like a Russian…. I knew you were from Russia, the moment I first saw you, before I heard you speak… And you were looking at me, staring at me even.” Olavi said bemusedly.
“Really? Well sorry, I suppose I was.” He smiled.
“It was because I look like him, wasn’t it?” Olavi asked then.
“I-,”
“No, don’t say anything, I understand.”
“Olavi, there’s something I need to tell you.” Alexander said then, Olavi glanced at him, squeezed his hand.
“It’s alright Alex, we can talk about it later. You love him, it’s hard to forget, I understand. We can talk about it later.”

**^^**^^**^^**^^**^^**


The heat of the sauna, sweat glimmering on their naked flesh, skin touching another, making the heat grow. Olavi wriggled on his lap. They kissed, held each others.
“Your sister wouldn’t like this; me being here with you.” Alexander said as he held the boy tighter on his lap.
“She doesn’t have to know everything, besides it’s quite normal for two men to go to the sauna together.”
“Not quite like this I believe.” Alexander breathed out, kissing his neck.
“Yes, not quite like this. They don’t know what they’re missing though” Olavi chuckled. They kissed again, Olavi could feel the older man starting to harden a bit and smiled into the kiss.

“It’s too hot…” Alexander whispered finally.
“Aye, might not be the best place for this…” Olavi agreed, though they still continued, both of their skin hot and slippery, hard to breathe because of the hotness and the state of arousal.
“Come to my room this night?” Alexander asked him breathing heavily.
“I couldn’t stay away, not after this.” Olavi whispered. “I want you inside me so badly that it’s driving m crazy.” He moaned then, moving his hips, getting full erection from the man.
“I don’t think I’ll have to say anything to you, to know what my answer to that is.” Alexander laughed softly. Olavi smiled and kissed him.
“Just few hours before the night fall, you think that you can wait?”
“If I must, I’ll wait, I’ll wait forever if necessary, but oh gods I do hope I won’t have to wait that long.”
“You won’t.”

All of a sudden the door to the sauna opened and Olavi almost had heart attack, he got up from Alexander's lap as quickly as he could and looked to the door where he found Emma’s son Elias. The boy had placed his thumb into his mouth and was sucking on it looking both of them back and forth.

“Elias.” Olavi breathed out, trying to calm himself down. The boy frowned, bending his head to the side, clearly not knowing what to think.
“Alexander and I…” He stared then.
“You were kissing.” The boy said. Olavi felt the corners of his mouth twitching as he tried to smile.
He got down onto the floor glanced at Alexander, who looked just as frightened as he felt.
He took the small boy into the changing room, and covered his own nakedness with a towel.
“Okay, Elias, um… We weren’t really kissing, we were just, um…uh…You see I-,…” He was lost with words. How could he explain this to a three year old. “You see we are very close friends and I-, I was…”
“You were making babies?” The boy asked innocently. Olavi stared at him with his mouth open, then he had sense enough to laugh.
“Babies? Oh heavens no. Two men can’t make babies… I. We’re just friends; Alexander and I... and there’s a secret, just for us men. You mustn't tell your mother or to aunt Aino, or anyone for that matter okay? This is between us?”
“Um, okay.” The boy decided.
“Mom just wanted you to know that the supper is ready.”
“Okay, thank you, tell her that we’ll come to eat as soon as we have finished washing.”
“Okay.” The boy said and ran off.

Olavi took a deep breath before returning into the sauna.
“Do you think that he’ll tell?” Alexander asked
“I certainly hope not. I’m sure he won’t” Olavi said and hoped that he would be right, he knew that they would both be in big trouble if the truth came out.

**^^**^^**^^**^^**^^**

The supper was a quiet affair, even Elias ate quietly. Occasionally someone tried to start up a conversation, mostly it was Emma, who in the end gave up on trying and lost herself into her own thoughts.


10.00 pm Olavi told them that he would already be going to bed, glancing quickly at Alexander who looked back at him quickly, nodding his head so that no one wouldn’t notice. Aino went to her room a little later after her brother. Leaving Alexander alone with Emma.

It had begun to rain, they lighted up some candles. Alexander tried to read a book that he had taken with him from home, a book that he had read almost a thousand times already; it somehow reminded him of Elias. He sometimes feared that he would forget and he didn’t want to forget. He felt guilty of the new feelings he had for the other boy, somehow fearing that Elias might think that he loved him less now because of it, partly knowing how stupid it was. Elias was dead, Olavi was alive and he should concentrate on the living, not to the dead. But it was easier said than done.




”I found some pictures.” The woman said as Alexander was ready to go to bed. He looked at her; sitting in the living room, close to the window, darkness outside, rain falling down on the roof. There was sadness in her eyes, in her voice, loneliness in her being.
“Pictures?” He asked, stepping closer.
“Yes.” She smiled slightly, without joy. “Please, sit down, I could use some company.” She asked gesturing to the seat next to her. Alexander looked at the time; 11.00pm. In all truth he wanted nothing more than to go to his room, crawl into his bed and wait for Olavi to come and sleep next to him. But he could hear in her voice how much she needed someone to listen, so he stayed.

“I know that he is dead, I know I should mourn for the death of my husband more than the death of him. A love of two children, such an innocent love, purer than anything I’ve ever had.” Emma spoke holding pictures and finally giving one to him.

“Elias and I, at the age of 6.” She said quietly, almost whispering. And Alexander looked at the picture in his hand. A black and white picture of a blond boy and a girl sitting on a blanket in a garden, both of them were smiling. The woman handed him another picture, he didn’t need her to tell who the boy was in it; Elias, at the age of ten, with his parents it seemed, a handsome man and a beautiful pregnant woman holding a baby in her arms, small smile gracing her lips as she held the hand of her eldest and hold the young girl on her lap and the baby boy in her stomach, her husband’s arm on her shoulders. Elias was smiling brightly, his father had a serious look.

A rush of emotions washed through him as Alexander watched the face he had longed to see for so many years. The boy in the picture was young, the horrors of the future still unknown to him, the future must have seemed carefree and it showed on his face and it showed on the face of his mother. A young woman, with everything that she had ever dreamed of; a beautiful, happy family, secured future, or so she must have thought at the time.


It was hard to keep himself neutral, it was hard to comfort the woman, mourning a lost love, a life that he missed just as much as she did. And he wanted to tell her, he wanted to get it from his chest, for it weighted on his heart every single day. But everything had turned so complicated; he hadn’t expected to fall in love with the brother, he hadn’t expected to find the peace that he had searched for in this place. And at the same time, he was torn more with each passing day; he knew that eventually he would have to tell them and he knew it would be hard, he knew that the information would both confuse and hurt Olavi. He knew he had messed everything up big time; the story of his life.

After comforting Emma, the woman was ready to go to bed and he was left alone, with the tormenting memories and the photographs of his first love. He felt enormous pain and guilt inside, Elias had stopped visiting his dreams, and he had been a constant visitor in them for so many years. “You must hate me now.” He whispered to the darkness and then looked at the picture in his hand. “I was right about your smile….” He whispered then, caressing the picture with his thumb. “I’ll never stop loving you, I hope you know that.”


It was past midnight when Alexander finally laid down on his bed. The door opened softly, the sound of Olavi’s bare feet on the wooden floor. The boy climbed onto the bed with him and snuggled close to his chest.
“I’m sleepy.” He yawned, “but I couldn’t fall a sleep without you.” He said then. Alexander kissed his forehead and held him.
“I’m sorry that I’m so tired, I would really want to…” Olavi muttered, but Alexander shushed him.
“Just sleep, it’s alright. We have time later, I can wait.”
The boy fell asleep fast and Alexander couldn’t help but smile when looking at him. “I do love you Olavi.” He whispered, knowing that the boy was fast a sleep by then.

That night, in his sleep, Alexander returned into the old school building, the dark room with the stove and the old mattress on the floor. He looked around, finally seeing Elias standing in front of the window, more light filling the room, a gentle smile on his lips.
“Elias.” He spoke his name and the green eyed boy only smiled.
“I’m sorry.” Alexander said. The boy still smiled, but didn’t say anything for a long time.

“Good bye Sascha, it’s time.” Elias whispered, coming closer, almost touching, but only almost. “Keep him save.” Was the last thing that Alexander heard before he woke.

He snuggled closer to Olavi, never wanting to let go, fearing to lose him like he had lost Elias.

Chapter 10.

He wasn’t able to concentrate, trying to paint the lake before him, but ending up sketching the familiar face that he had grown to love. It would not do, he sighed; Alexander was constantly on his mind, every minute of every hour. He thought of the dead lover of his, feeling jealous of this boy that he didn’t even know, a boy that had died years ago. But whoever this boy had been, held the heart of the man he loved.

Who had he been? What had his name been? Olavi would have liked to know. At first when the man had told about him, he hadn’t been interested in knowing these things, thinking that it would be better if he didn’t, and now? Now he yearned to know more. He closed his eyes, trying to will himself to stop thinking about it, but what ever he did, he just couldn’t. He didn’t know if the man loved him or not, maybe… Maybe Alexander just couldn’t love him? He cursed himself for feeling so strongly, for falling in love, he should have known better. Why did it hurt so much? He would lose Alexander, the summer would end and the man would leave him. He couldn’t help a few tears that fell down, gritting his teeth he made up his mind not to cry for it, but it was easier said than done.

At times like this he really missed his mother, real mother. The warm hold of her, soothing words, the love that only a mother could give. That was how he had always pictured her; gentle, warm and loving.

He distantly remembered the boat trip to Sweden, holding on to his sister, scared and confused about what was happening and where they were going, where his mother and brother were. He had cried almost the whole trip there.
First weeks and months he had never parted his sister’s side, the only one familiar to him. They had refused to sleep separately, Aino had always held his hand where ever they had went.

He remembered all those different people talking in a language that they couldn’t understand at first, and sometimes they had screamed, yelled at them. Anton had often hit him on his head with his toys, telling him to not touch them. And then there had been Emma, her mother, his stepmother. Speaking the language that they knew. And slowly he and his sister had begun to trust these people, slowly they started to feel comfortable enough to leave each other’s company for small moments.

But many times, when they felt so out of place, felt like their new family couldn’t love them enough, when their stepparents were displeased with them, Aino told him that their brother would find them, that he’d come to take them back home, but he never had. When his stepmother had acted coldly towards them, treating them a bit differently than her own, Olavi also began to dream of his own mother, that she would come back somehow, that she’d take them home, but she never did, either.

He decided to give up the painting for now and walked back to the house. On his way there he encountered Hanna and her friends. The girls blushed and greeted him with a giggle. Hanna whispered something to them and then approached him.

“Where were you?” She asked, walking by his side.
“I was at the lake, painting.” He told her.
“Oh, wait,” she stopped him and Olavi looked at her with confusion. “You have a little bit of paint there.” She said touching his neck and starting to wipe it off.
“Oh well, it happens often, so it’s okay,” he said and she took her hand away, smiling, blushing.
“You haven’t called on me for some time.” Hanna said then. He hesitated.
“I’ve been occupied and I-,”
“Oh I understand. Take me to the next dance on Saturday and I’ll forgive you.” She grinned and quickly kissed his cheek.
“Hanna I-,” He started but she was already running off.
“I’ll talk with you later then!” She yelled after.

Sighing deeply he continued his walk. Why didn’t that damned girl get it through her head that he did not care for her? He thought to himself. A part of him wished, well a big part of him wished that he could feel for her that way, it would make his life so much easier. But his whole being, his heart couldn't stand the thought, it disgusted him to even think about touching her in that way.


When he had dropped all of his painting stuff into his room and sat there thinking about things, he decided to go to the man, just to see him, talk to him, perhaps. For some reason, he felt slightly depressed, scared of the future, perhaps, and he needed to see him, needed to see that he cared.


He could hear the laughter from afar. The other men were having a coffee break near the house, they were joking, making fun of Russians, of the Soviet Union telling jokes with loud voice, loud enough for Alexander to hear them.
Olavi stopped to his tracks to look at them and then at Alexander who simply continued working, trying his best to ignore the rude comments coming from the others, but Olavi could see that it bothered him.

“Shouldn’t you be getting back to work?” Olavi asked while passing them, unable to keep his mouth shut. “And honestly, one could think that grown men have better things to talk about besides these childish insults and jokes. It seems to me that the one you keep insulting works a hell of a lot harder than the bunch of you.” He looked at the men coldly, getting crumby looks back.

“Oh just mind your own business boy, what do you know of anything? And we do have the right to take coffee breaks.” One of he men spat while getting up.
“Indeed you do, but how long have you sat there already? And as the owner of this house, I will not tolerate any insults here. You are adults, do try to act accordingly.” He said and turned his back on them.
“Insolent brat… Russian lover.” He heard the muttered comments thrown at him. He decided to just ignore them, he said what he wanted to say.

Alexander had disappeared from view, so Olavi went to seek for him, finding him on the other side of the house.

“I am sorry for them, I’m sorry that you have to stand for those jerks.” Olavi said leaning against the wall and looking at him. Alexander glanced at him, smiled.
“I’ve been through worse, trust me, nothing that I couldn’t take.” He said and walked closer. “But I was very proud of you just now, for standing up to me the way you did, you just keep surprising me, don’t you? Talking so maturely.” He smiled, looking around and then planting a kiss on the boys lips.
“I know what it’s like, being insulted for being different, being insulted because of your nationality. It’s so silly, but people do odd things, think in odd ways. It doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t hurt.” Olavi whispered back, touching his hand and then his cheek.

“Come with me.” Olavi whispered still holding his hand.
“Come with you to where?” Alexander asked with puzzled expression.
“Just come.” He smiled, leading him towards the near forest, first looking around to make sure that no one would see them leave. Alexander followed, not letting go of Olavi’s hand, walking deeper into the forest with him, wondering with curiosity what the boy was up to.

They walked quite far until they reached a small stream. Olavi sat down on the ground looking up to him and smiling.
“Isn’t it beautiful?” He asked and leaned to touch the water with his hand, the sun shone through the trees and the boy’s hair glimmered with it, golden, angelic…
“Aye, beautiful.” Alexander breathed out looking at him.
Blue eyes looked up to him again, smiling, the boy offered his hand towards him. “Won’t you sit down with me?”
Alexander knelt slowly beside him, looking at the surroundings more carefully; it truly was a beautiful, breathtaking place. Olavi moved closer to him, leaned towards him and kissed him gently.
“There’s no one here but us.” He whispered close to his ear and this time it was Alexander who grasped him, lifting the boy up on his lap and kissed him more deeply.
Olavi started opening the buttons of the man’s shirt as they continued kissing. Alexander looked at him, grinning.
“You’ve changed, not so insecure anymore, are you?” He said then. Olavi blushed slightly but then locked his eyes with his.
“No, you’ve seen me already, you’ve been inside of me, why should I feel insecure anymore?” He asked then. “Perhaps I am trying my best to seduce you, to… well perhaps I shouldn’t reveal all of my plans to you as of yet.” He grinned then and kissed Alexander neck, slowly undressing his shirt.


“Seduce me? But you’ve already done it. What is your plan I wonder?” Alexander asked with lust filled voice as he undressed the boy’s shirt. He laid Olavi down on the soft grass, kneeling over him starting to open his pants. “I should be working…” He whispered and kissed Olavi’s lips. “But just one taste of your sweet lips and I’ve forgotten all reason…This is getting dangerous.” He continued. Olavi brought his head up and kissed him with hunger.
“Oh god how much I want you.”

They got rid of their remaining clothes, both trying to slow themselves down, but it felt hard to slow down when both of them wanted it so bad. Hungry kisses, touches, feeling of each others bodies, wanting to feel and touch every spot possible.

Olavi moaned when feeling Alexanders first finger going inside of him, then the second. He bit his lip from the pain that he felt. He didn’t care though, even if there was some pain he wanted to feel the man inside again. He found it strange how fast things could change, such a short time ago he hadn’t even known of this, of how good it could feel.

“Inside, I want you inside.” Olavi whispered then. Alexander didn’t have to be told twice. He positioned himself and slowly thrust in. Olavi threw his head back, squeezing his eyes shut and moaning from the pain that he first felt. Once completely in, Alexander started kissing him, waiting. It was hard to wait, but he didn’t want to hurt him more than he had.

Slowly he started moving, both so lost in the moment that they didn’t even remember to worry about the possibility of getting caught. Sweat glimmering on their bodies, soft moans, whispers and continuing kisses.


After their love making, they laid there together on the soft grass, Olavi’s head resting on Alexander’s chest. Feeling peaceful, happy for that one small moment, Alexander gazed at the sky above them.
“Let’s not go back Alex, let’s stay here, never leave this forest. Hide from the rest of the world.” Olavi whispered. Alexander kissed the crown of his head.
“I wish we could.” He whispered back. “But even if it was possible, could you really leave your sister?” He asked. Olavi was quiet for a small moment.
“No, I could never leave her.” He said then. “Aino means the world to me, she’s the only one, who’s always been there, she’s my life and I am hers. One can not live without the other, and we’ve never been apart for more than a couple of days. So how could I leave her?” He asked. There was a moment of silence. Olavi got up, kneeling on the stream side and splashing some water on his face. They were both still naked. Alexander got up as well, wrapping his arms around the boy and kissing his shoulder, a hand was gently placed on his.

“Why can’t life be easy? Why can’t I just love you and tell the world that I do?” Olavi asked then with a whisper. Closing his eyes, Alexander sighed, breathing in the scent of his hair.
“I’ve been wondering the same thing…I hate the idea of losing you. You've brought me to life, and what is going to happen if you walk away from it?”
“You care for me?”
“More than you know.” He told him. ‘And I must tell you something, I’ve waited too long with this already.’ he thought to say, but the words refused to come out.
“I love you.” Olavi whispered and kissed him.
“And I you.”
“You do?” Olavi’s eyes brightened, he smiled when looking at him, waiting for the answer.
“Aye. As in yes. How could I not?” They kissed once more.

**^^**^^**^^**^^**^^**^^**

Aino watched her brother with curiosity when he came back. Olavi was smiling to himself, seeming to be lost in his own thoughts. Her brother seemed to be doing a lot of that lately and Aino was dying to know what was going on. It seemed that for once she could not get a straight answer from him, so she would have to keep an even better eye of his doings.

When they were eating dinner that night, she caught few stolen glances that Olavi and the Russian seemed to give to one another, the secret smiles on both of their faces… Something was most definitely going on, making her worry for Olavi to grow. She would not let it rest before she would find out the truth, she would not lose another family member because of some Russian. The man was hiding something, she knew that much at least, perhaps it was time to get some answers?
 

Chapter 11.

Once again he had managed to lose the track of him, but Alexander should have known better by now. He should know that he could never hide from him for long, because he would always find him no matter what. He checked into a small hotel, smiling to himself as he started unpacking. He was back here again and expected to find the pleasure that he had craved for

**^^**^^**^^**^^**^^**


“Happy 16 th brother.” Aino whispered to Olavi’s ear. He woke with a smile, turned and looked at her.
“Thank you,” he muttered while sitting up. Aino placed a breakfast tray on his lap. She had even picked some wild flowers for him.
“It’s not everyday that my baby brother turns 16.” She smiled. “Almost a man now, how does it feel?”
“What? Being a man?” He grinned. She raised her eyebrow, a smile on her lips. “It doesn’t feel any different from being 15 really, but it’s only been…” He glanced at the clock; 8.30am. “…like two hours, so one can’t really tell yet.” He started eating his breakfast. Aino sat down on his bed side, looking at him quietly.

“What?” He asked taking a sip of his tea.
“I was just thinking how handsome brother I have and why he has stopped talking to me like he used to.” Olavi blushed slightly.
“I do talk to you,” he said, “nothing has changed.”
“I feel as if it has, it’s like you keep a secret from me. I’ve seen you smile the way you’ve never smiled before. And all I have been able to think about is why my brother isn’t telling me the name of the person who has captured his heart.”
Olavi gulped down the food in his mouth.
“There’s no one…” He said quietly, hating to lie to her; he had never lied to her before about anything and he would have liked to tell her, more than anything, and he would have liked to tell everyone, but it would not be accepted and would only cause trouble. He knew that she couldn’t understand it, and he wasn’t sure which would make her more mad; the fact that he was in love with a man, or the fact that this said man was a Russian.

“Really?” She asked.
“Really, no one at all, I’ve just been happy for other reasons.” He said and she sighed.
“Alright, I won’t bug you about this any longer. I love you. I’ll go and finish your birthday cake.” She smiled.
“Love you too Aino, and thank you.”

There was a bigger party later, with people coming over. Dining out, music, even some dancing. Olavi was dancing with Hanna, and Alexander watched him from the distance, smiling as their eyes met. Olavi glanced at him every once in a while, seeming to hold back a laughter. Sometimes he shook his head, distracted from the dance because he knew that the man was watching him. It was obvious to Alexander how smitten the girl was with Olavi, poor girl, he thought.

“My brother is nice to look at, isn’t he?” Suddenly a woman’s voice asked from beside him. Alexander turned his head to her. Cold blue eyes of the young woman stared into his.
“Your brother is handsome, there’s no denying about that.” He replied.
“He is beautiful, much like my older brother was and you are not the only man that I’ve seen looking at him in such a way.” Aino told him.
“ I have not…” Alexander started, but fell silent after the look that she gave him.
“Why did you come here Mr. Volkov?”
“I came here for work.” He answered.
“Did you now?… Why here? Why this place?”
“Why not here?” he asked and they stared at each other for some time.

“I’ll be blunt with you if I may.” Aino said then, not waiting for his answer. “I do not like you, I do not like your people and I know that there’s more about your coming here than just work. I am going to uncover your secret sooner or later, you can count on it Mr. Volkov.”
With that she turned and left. Alexander looked after her, worrying a little, then he turned his head towards the dancing area, meeting Olavi’s worried eyes with his.



**^^**^^**^^**^^**

Later that night they escaped from the others, into an old hay barn.
“What did my sister want from you?” Olavi asked as they sat down.
“She suspects.” Alexander told him. “We should be more careful.” He added then. He saw the worry on the boy’s face.
“I don’t want to stop seeing you.” He said then.
“I don’t want that either,” Alexander assured, took his hand and kissed his palm. They looked into each other’s eyes.

“Happy birthday sweetheart, may there be many happy years ahead of you.” Alexander whispered and kissed his lips. “I have something for you.” He took out a silver pocket watch and placed it on his hand.
Olavi looked at it.
“It’s beautiful.” He said, looking at it more closely, admiring the Russian engravings on it.
“It’s quite old, it belonged to my great great grandfather, passed from fathers to sons. This…” He showed the engraved picture of an eagle on it. “…is my family’s crest and this; Ne bylo by schast'ya, da neschast'ye pomoglo, “ He read out loud, “Means; Would have had no luck, if not for misfortune.”
“But it belongs to your family, how could I take it?” Olavi asked, blue eyes wide open.
“Because I want you to have it. I will not have any children to give it to and I like the idea of you carrying something of mine with you.” He smiled. Olavi beamed at him.
“Thank you.” They kissed. “I can just imagine when I’m old and Aino’s grandchildren will find this and they are going to wonder why I had this Russian family watch.” He chuckled to himself. Alexander just continued smiling and stroking his hair.

Soon the kisses between them deepened and slowly the clothes were shed. They made love, right there in the dim hay barn. Never realizing that they had someone spying on them.

Aino gasped for breath, slowly stumbling backwards. This was not what she had wanted to see. This was like a nightmare! They were sleeping together?! That man was fucking her brother! It could not be… She felt sick. She ran, throwing up into a nearby bush. She was sweating, the images in her head refused to leave, mixing with the old horrid memories.
“Olavi… no…” She whispered. She had to fight with herself not to rush in and throw the man off of her brother. But she had seen it all, heard it all… They were in love? She felt really nauseated. The man had seduced him, made Olavi believe that he was in love with him when he really wasn’t. How dared he?! She trembled from sudden anger. She would not let this rest.

**^^**^^**^^**^^**^^**

‘’’Get off, do not touch me!’’’ He yelled in anger.
‘’’What’s the matter Sascha, heart broken? Pining over that slut? I can make you feel better.’’’ The other man said as he grasped him, pulling him into a kiss. ‘’’Such a great fuck he was, shame to have him gone.”
“Go away, just go away and let me be.” He pulled himself free and left the room.

Alexander woke with a startle, breathing fast. He calmed down as he looked at the boy sleeping next to him. He touched his bare shoulder, his smooth cheek. Suddenly he felt scared, restless, he could feel something lurking, a bad feeling, an eerie thought. Fearing that he had gotten the boy in grievous danger by coming here. He rose, careful not to wake the boy. He searched the letters that Elias had given him, sat down on a stool and started reading the one for him, not remembering how many times he had actually read it already during these years.
Once he finished reading, he looked back at Olavi. ‘’’I really need to tell you this.’’’ He whispered to himself.

Early in the morning, as Olavi was about to leave his room to go back to his own. Alexander stopped him by taking his hand in his.
“I want to talk to you today, after work. Could you meet me by the lake at six this evening?”
“Of course. Is this something serious?” The boy asked.
“It is.”
“You want to end this?” He asked with fearful voice. Alexander laughed softly.
“No, silly boy, it’s not that. Something else, but I tell you about it then. Alright?” Olavi smiled, and kissed him quickly.
“Alright, I’ll see you in the evening then.”

**^^**^^**^^^**^^**^^**

Aino sneaked into the room. She was determined to find some proof, anything that would tell her who this man really was. She searched his clothes, his books, found some old pictures and then, then she found the letter; hidden between the pages of an old book on the bedside table.

Her hands trembled as she recognized the handwriting. She began to read.


“Dear Sascha.
The time is running out, I've been washed, brought into the office of your lieutenant. I wish that I knew the right words, I wish that I could write everything that I've wanted to tell you, but I'm afraid that I can't. I'm afraid, that in this state of mind that I'm in, it's not even possible. I'll try my best.
I want to thank you, because you brought light into my last moments. Am I crazy, if I tell you, that I love you? Maybe, but that is how I feel and I believe, that you care about me as well, otherwise, you wouldn't have been so good to me. You wouldn't have done what you did, if I meant nothing to you at all.

My last name is Lahti, I was born on September 23th in 1927. My parents are dead, my mother was weak when I left and I believe that she died soon after. I have two siblings that are still alive. My sister Aino, who is 6 and a brother, Olavi, who is 4. I do not know of their fate, and they can't be certain of mine. In my heart I feel that they have survived, still alive, somewhere.

Why am I telling you this? Survive Sascha, you simply must; for my sake. I hope, that someday, after the war ends, you'll find the remains of my family, and tell them about my death. They suspect it already, but if they cannot find the body, (yes, it feels strange to write like this) and if no one tells them the truth, they will always wonder.

I want them to know, so that they can get their peace in this matter. They'll ask for details, they'll ask if I suffered: lie. What good would it make, for them to know of my suffering? They'll doubt you, they'll ask questions, wanting to know if you truly knew me. Tell Aino about the day that she and I were on the seashore, we ate ice cream, it was warm, we visited the circus and ate some cotton candy. People were all happy, we spent the whole day together, the war didn't exist, no one knew of it. Tell her, that if she truly goes to India someday, I'll walk every step with her; sheltering each of them. I doubt that Olavi remembers much of me, he's still so young. Tell them that I love them, tell them, that I'll wait for them with our parents, once it’s their time to come.


Another person, that I wish for you to find; a girl named Emma, she was my best friend. Emma moved to Sweden, in the summer of 1939, her mom got married there and their last name got changed from Koivu to Lindgren. I'll write a second letter to her, which I enclose with this one. If you can't find them, I'll understand, it might be difficult.



She had to sit down, feeling like she could faint at any minute. She felt like she couldn’t breathe, like something inside was choking her. She trembled, the letter falling from her hands. ‘He is dead, he is dead.’ Elias had been crying so hard, the pain, it had not ended that night. How long? What was this? Who was this man? A demon sent to ruin them?! ‘Am I crazy, if I tell you, that I love you?’
She broke down in tears, desperate tears. What had they done to him? Who was this man? ‘They’ll ask if I suffered, lie…’ Oh dear God.
“I have hidden some food, remember when I show you where it was?” Aino looked around in the room, whispers of the past filling her mind.. “…Remember that I love you two, always. The ones we love, are never truly gone, even if we can`t see them. I`ll always be with you” She couldn’t breath.

The hurt changed into anger. How dared this man, how dared he come here and take her baby brother like he had taken the elder? She wanted some answers and she wanted them now. Taking the letter with her, she took off to confront him.

**^^**^^**^^**^^

“What is this?!” She screamed showing the letter to the man. Alexander looked at her with surprise, he had just been about to finish his work and leave to meet Olavi down by the lake side. “Tell me what is this?!” She cried.

“I-…”
“You knew my brother? Elias?” He could only nod his head. “Why didn’t you tell us?! Who the fuck are you?”
“Please calm down, let’s go inside for a talk, alright?”
She only nodded her head and followed him in.
“What happened?” She asked, once they had walked in.
“Yes, I knew Elias.” He sighed, seeing the anger burning in her eyes.
“Your people forced themselves on my brother and then they took him with them and all these years, we have had no idea what his fate was and then I find this among your things!” Again she pushed the letter close to his face.

“I was a young man back then, they brought him into our camp and…”
“Did you rape him?” She asked trembling, her hands clenched into fists at her sides.
“No, I did not.” He close his eyes, this was not the way he had wanted to tell this. “I loved your brother. And not a single day goes by without… Without me hating myself for failing to save his life.” His voice was almost a whisper.
“Loved him?!” She screamed. “You used him, you… oh my god. You sick pervert! Do not tell me that you loved him, not after what I saw you doing with my younger brother!”
Alexander looked at her with shock. “Yes, I saw you two last night. So are you going to tell me that you love him as well?” She almost laughed, tears clouding her vision, anger so clear in her entire being. “He doesn’t know, does he? He doesn’t know that you’ve… that you have been with our brother the way you have been with him.” She looked at him, not needing an answer because she could see it. “Do you realise how sick this is?!”
“I was going to tell him tonight.”
“Were you now? Well, it will make him happy, it will make him terribly happy to know that he has been violated by the same man who did it to his brother.”
“The last thing I want to do is to hurt Olavi.” Alexander told her. “And yes, I do love him.”
“My God, are you even listening to yourself?!” She looked at him in disbelief. “Olavi is a 16-year old boy, Elias was only 15. Did Olavi even know what he was getting himself into? And Elias… “ She started sobbing. “This is so sick…”


**^^**^^**^^**^^**

Emma sat on the porch as a strange car parked in the driveway. She looked at it with interest. A brown haired man stepped out and smiled politely to her.
“Good evening ma’am. I am here to look for a man named Alexander Volkov. I’ve heard that he’s been staying here, am I correct?”
“Yes, he is, but he’s not here right now. He’s still working.” She told him and that was when Olavi stepped outside, ready to leave to the lake. The man turned his eyes to the boy, who looked back at this stranger.
“Where could I find him then? I’m afraid that my business with him is rather urgent.“
“The house is not far from here, just 3 kilometres or so,” Emma replied.
“Well then… Perhaps you could come with me, to show me the way, if it’s not too much trouble?” He asked the boy who had stepped down from the porch.
Olavi glanced Emma and then back at the man.
“Um, sorry, but who are you?”
“Oh, how rude of me; I’m Sadova, Vladimir Sadova an old friend of Alexander’s. I’m bringing news from home to him and it is very important I get to talk to him.”
“Oh, okay, well, I was on my way there anyway so…”
“Great.” The man smiled and opened the car door for him.

“Will you be back for dinner in time?” Emma asked with a shout, somehow feeling slightly uneasy.
“I will.” Olavi answered before the car door slammed shut.
 

Chapter 12.

“You just need to drive straight down this road and turn left at the next crossing. Then left again and then right.” Olavi guided the man.
“Alright.” The man turned his head to look at him quickly, a smile on his lips.

“So, how do you know Al… Mr. Volkov?” Olavi asked, breaking the silence and hoping that his almost mistake would go unnoticed.
“We a…we met at war… fought together, the same unit.” The man answered, struggling with his speaking a little. Olavi simply nodded his head.
“And what is your reason for learning this language?” He asked with curiosity.
“I guess, since knowing Alexander, I have had the strangest urge to do everything that he does, thus learning this language.” He answered, staring at the road, unable to hold back a grin that appeared on his lips.
“Oh…” What a strange answer, Olavi thought, why hadn’t Alexander ever mention about this man, if they were such close friends?

Vladimir couldn’t help but take another look at the boy; this was just too perfect to miss, he though to himself, feeling his excitement growing.
“What is your name?” He asked then. The boy turned his face towards him, big, innocent blue eyes looking at him.
“Olavi, Olavi Lahti.” He answered. Vladimir nodded his head, he knew who the boy was and almost chuckled to himself. Oh, the irony. Alexander really was too predicable.

The boy was beautiful, fragile, it would be easy to overpower him, just had to get him somewhere... somewhere more secluded.

Olavi glanced out from the window, lost in his own thoughts. What did Alexander want to talk with him about? He had said that it would be serious, maybe it had something to do with this man? But why hadn’t Alexander told him if he had expected someone? He wondered. It was almost six, what if Alexander would be waiting by the lake by now? Would he then tell this man to come with him there? How would he explain that he knew where to go searching for him? Would the man even ask?

He had been far too lost in his thoughts to pay much attention to the road.
“Hey, I think you took the wrong turn.” He said then, looking around.
“Did I?”
“Uh, yes, um you were supposed to take the turn to the left.”
“Sorry, my understanding of the language, it is… still little awkward.” Vladimir answered, continuing to drive and staring at the forest road ahead of them.
“Okay, it’s okay, just turn the car and… and I promise to pay more attention to guiding you.” Olavi smiled, the man looked at him oddly and smiled back.

“Oh, there, you can turn the car there!” Olavi pointed to one narrow sand road that parted from the road that they were on. The man drove past it. “Why are you not turning? This is the wrong way, we…” the look that the man gave him, silenced him. What was going on?
Vladimir smirked, pale blue eyes held an unnerving look in them.

“You’ve grown up quite nicely.” The man spoke then. Olavi was taken back with the comment, not really wanting to know what he meant by it.
“You-, you should turn around.” His voice almost failed him.
“Has anyone ever told you how much you look like your brother?” The question took him by surprise, his heart missed one beat, he could hear how his pulse then started to quicken. His brother…

“Please, stop the car.” He asked then with a weak voice.
“Why would you want that? Wouldn’t you like to ask me how I knew your brother?” The man asked. “Or do you perhaps remember who I am now, little one?” The voice was amused and cruel.

Olavi started to tremble, that voice… Screaming… It had been such a cold day. The game… hide and seek, they had played hide and seek? Had to be quiet… He had wanted the treat that his brother had promised. Elias, he remembered him smiling at him, finger on his lips. The door had closed.

Flashes, shaded memories, that voice, he knew that voice, that smell. Oh God.
“I wonder if you’ll taste as sweet as your brother did.” A touch of a hand on his thigh. Realization had never hit him as hard as it did then. A frightened cry, he opened the car door in panic, his only thought to escape from whatever demon this was that had caught him. He fell on the ground hard, his hands reaching out first, sand tearing his skin; blood, pain, his ankle sprained during the fall.

He limped towards the forest, praying he would get away, praying he would find a hiding place. He heard that the car stopped, engine growling. His heart was beating more madly within seconds. His movements were awkward, he couldn’t move as fast as the man could, because of the pain that the falling had caused. He tried to run, tried to ignore the sprained ankle, but every time he put some weight on it, he almost screamed in agony that it caused.

Vladimir watched as the boy tried desperately to get away from him, he had seen the fall that the boy had taken. ‘’’Foolish child.’’’ He said to himself, smirking. Stepping into the woods he suddenly lost the sight of him, it was quiet all around. His senses were high, his lust driving him forward. No, he would not get away this easily. He stood, listening carefully, adrenalin high. He loved hunting, it brought him more pleasure than anything else; he loved the excitement of it. That is why he had loved the war, his soul was blood thirsty and it craved the fear of the weaker.

‘’’Come out, come out wherever you are.’’’ He called, glancing around with a smile, he was determined to get his prey, and the prey knew it. “I will find you, my pretty, soon we can have some fun, just you and I.”


Olavi crouched behind the large rock. He trembled heavily, taking in shaky breaths, he could hear the man so close. He just had to get away, get to the lake, to Alexander. The man would surely save him. He didn’t want to die.


**^^**^^**^^**^^**

“I understand your feelings, I-“ Alexander started. Aino turned around to face him.
“Oh you do, do you?!” She screamed.
“I can imagine at least…I wish I had told you earlier but…”
“But you were too busy trying to get my little brother into your bed?! Do excuse me for not congratulating you on that matter.” She snapped at him. Her head started to ache, a silence followed.

“Whether or not you believe me, I do love your brother,” Alexander stated quietly. The young woman moved in front of the window, gazing out.
“Which one of my brothers? Which of them is it that you love?” She asked with tired voice that lacked the previous energy. Alexander took a deep breath.
“I did not expect this, they may have looked the same, but yet both of them are different. As is my love for them.”
“Love…” She sighed, laughing dryly. She turned, tears burning in her eyes. “You’ve ruined his life! Can you not see that?” Alexander did not know what to answer, he opened his mouth, lost with words. “What were you thinking?!” She screamed. “What do you think will happen to him if someone finds this out!? He was fine before you! Uh, just the mere sight of you right now… It makes me so sick!”

Alexander glanced at the clock that showed it was well past six already, he did not like being late, making the boy wait for him.
“Please, all I’m asking for is to sit down and talk about this, with Olavi.” Aino was quiet, just glaring at him. Never had he seen another woman looking so mad as she did at that moment. He wished he knew what the right words were, if there were any.
“You will never see him again.” Aino said then. “You will never speak to him again and you most certainly will not put your dirty hands on him ever again. I will make sure of that.”
“I cannot just leave him, without talking to him first. I am sorry, but I cannot do that, I can’t break his heart like that.”
“Break his heart! You’ve already broken it! You… for God’s sake you were one of his brother’s rapist! How do you think he’ll take it?!”
“For the second time; I did not rape Elias!” Alexander shouted, the accusation was just too much to take, they had loved, he knew this, the accusation made it sound dirty.

“Did you not? So what; he actually enjoyed being there, is that what you are saying? Are you saying that my brother wanted to be…” She could not finish her sentence; she felt another wave of tears rising in her eyes. “Elias was in love with Emma, he took care of us like a father would at the age of 15! Then your people showed up and…Oh dear God… How can you say that you did not rape him!? He couldn’t have slept with you willingly.”

“It was crazy, the whole world was mad back then, and I found myself in a hopeless situation. I did not plan it, anymore than Elias did. He was innocent, he had a good heart, so much love… I wanted to help him, I did, that’s how it started and your brother… he, he was scared, alone and in pain and I guess he found some comfort in me and that’s how it started with him.” Alexander calmed himself down, he couldn’t get himself worked up, the woman had every right to feel mad, she couldn’t know how it had been. “You’ve read the letter, read it again. Those are your brother’s words in it. He did not mean for you to see that letter, but it’s the only thing that we have to tell his side of how it was.”

Aino tried to calm herself down, but it seemed impossible. Elias was dead, had been for many years. She had expected it to be so, but still there had been that small hope burning inside her heart. Hope that she would one day see her brother again, he would smiled and he would hold her, he would tell that he was alright now, that there was no more pain. She cried, feeling like she would fall apart at any minute, couldn’t breathe, it was the memories that filled her, haunted her. His image, long ago lost and never returned. The pain was heavy in her heart.
“I loved him!” She screamed. “I loved him and want him back, you stupid bastard!”
Alexander looked at her sadly, she seemed so small, so fragile. He knew the pain that she was going through, he could feel it. Tears rose to his own eyes, he wanted to comfort her, but knew that it was not his comfort that she wanted.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered, looking at her.
“I hate you!” She screamed trembling, glaring at him. “I hate you…” She repeated with much weaker voice and sat down, still holding the letter in her hands. It was quiet.


**^^**^^**^^**^^**

His lips trembled, his body was shivering, he could hear his own heart beat so clearly. Tears fell down, he looked at his surroundings in desperation. He had no idea where to run, where the lake was.
“Come now pretty, there’s no reason to hide… You know you can’t run from me.”
The man was calling him, it could only be matter of minutes before he’d be discovered. He wondered whether he would make it if he ran. Would his legs carry him? ‘Ignore the pain, ignore the pain.’ He repeated to himself, the words becoming like some sort of mantra. He carefully touched the watch in his pocket, the one that Alexander had given him in hopes that it would bring him the courage that he needed. Then he thought of his brother.
“We must be brave like soldiers now…” He suddenly heard his voice inside his mind. He wanted to be as brave as Elias had been.

“Here you are.” He suddenly heard the voice right next to him and panicked. He got up as fast as he could and made a desperate attempt to run; tree branches scraped him, the ground was uneven and made the running hard. He made the mistake of looking back while he ran and that was when he tripped.

“Caught you.” The man laughed in triumph.




**^^**^^**^^**^^

“Let’s go for a little walk.” Emma spoke to her son as she dressed her younger daughter and placed her into the baby carriage.
“Why?” He asked, not wanting to leave his toys.
“Because I want to see how the work is going, wouldn’t it be nice to see that house? We can even stop by the lake before we get back.” She smiled at him. She really didn’t need to see the house, in reality she just wanted to see if Olavi had arrived there safely. She had a very funny feeling inside of her, feeling she couldn’t quite place, but still it left her restless. She just needed to see that everything was alright.
“Alright mom,” The boy said and stood up.

**^^**^^

She could hear the arguing. When she stepped in, she saw them. Aino had been crying, she seemed to be furious with the man, but there was no sign of Olavi or the man he had left with.
“What’s going on here?” Emma asked confused; both turned to look at her. Aino wiped some tears from her eyes, Alexander looked at her in a helpless way. “Did that friend of yours find you Alexander?” She asked then. Alexander looked surprised.
“My friend?” Aino was now listening too.
“Yes, a friend of yours stopped by our house asking for you and I told him that you were here, -I…” The look on Alexander’s face, told her the answer. “He asked Olavi to show him the way and he…”
“What? Where is Olavi?!” Alexander asked.
“I-, he left with that man.” Emma felt her heart beating faster.
“Who?? Who did he leave with?!” Alexander asked.
“He, he said that he was your friend.” Emma stammered. “They left almost an hour ago, in his car.” Alexander looked at the time; 6.25pm.
“Did he give you any name!?” He shouted, anger on his face. It scared her.
“Vladimir… something, I believe he said his last name started with a letter S.”

“Fuck! We must hurry, we must find them and fast!” He shouted.
“What is going on, where’s my brother?” Aino asked in fear.
“We’ll find him… We must!”

Chapter 13.

Alexander ran towards the lake, looking around desperately, hoping to find them, he needed to find them!
“Olavi!” He called, but heard nothing, saw nothing, at least not the person that he desperately wanted to find.
“Olavi!” It was Aino who called for him now. “Where are you?” She cried. “You cannot leave me…Olavi!” Alexander looked at her, their eyes met. He saw her tears, her worry, it would break her to find another beloved family member dead, just like it would break him to find another lover so. He took a couple of deep breaths, gazing at the forest, calculating their chances to find Olavi in time. It seemed so hopeless, they could be anywhere by now.

“You know this man who has him?” Aino asked suddenly. Alexander looked at her.
“Yes.”
“He is one of those who raped Elias, isn’t he?” She asked then. Alexander nodded weakly. She broke down to another wave of tears.
“We will find him, and when we do, Vladimir will regret the day when he was born, I promise you that.”


**^^**^^^**^^**^^**^^**

Vladimir held the boy down on the ground, looking at his desperate struggle to free himself from his hold. The boy screamed, tears making his eyes even more intense blue than they had been.
He decided that it would be fun to play more, so he eased his hold, watched as the boy immediately crawled away, trying to stand up. Vladimir followed him, walking with no rush. The boy was hurt and couldn’t move fast no matter how much he tried.
He smiled, staying close to him, watching, waiting, wanting. The boy turned to look at him, his lips trembling, cheeks glimmering with wet tears.
“Let me go, please let me go.” He begged him.
“I can’t.” Vladimir told him with calm voice, sick sadistic smile following his words. He imagined all the things he wanted to do to the boy and knew that he was only moments away from getting what he wanted. It was a long time since he had been this aroused.

Olavi tried to run with his injured leg, gasping in pain, realizing that he wouldn’t be able to get away from the man.
“Help!” He screamed in desperation, hoping that someone would be able to hear him, that someone would come for him. Vladimir grasped him, knocking him onto the ground.
“You’re not getting away, my pretty, I have not gotten what I want from you yet.” He whispered to him, licking his ear. “I want to show you how it feels like to be taken by a real man,”
“No, oh God please no…”


“Alex!” Olavi screamed. The man smiled down at him.
“Oh, calling for Alexander? Is he your lover?”
“Please…” He begged. “Please don’t kill me.” The boy’s lips were trembling and Vladimir looked at him with fascination. He wanted to drink the boy’s fear.
“Play nicely and maybe I don’t have to kill you.” He told him, touching his lips.

“Suck my fingers.” He said then with thick voice. Olavi cried silently, when feeling the man’s fingers lingering on his lips. “Remember to play nicely.” The man whispered and so he parted his lips carefully. Two fingers were pushed in, moving in and out slowly. “Use your tongue.” Another order that Olavi saw best to obey. “Suck them, suck them like you would suck on a candy stick.” Olavi felt more ill with each passing second, The man got better on top of him, starting to move his pelvis up against him and he could feel how hard the man was by now.

The fingers were pulled out and it was then that the man kissed him, making sick aroused sounds, licking his face all over. Vladimir took his lower lip between his teeth’s; pulled, drawing blood.
“Mmm… you taste good, so pure and innocent.” Olavi started fighting back more fiercely, there was no way that he could just take this, no way he could let this man take him the way that only Alex had the right to take. He kicked and scratched him, called for help. Vladimir hit him.
“Shut the fuck up… So you want it rough, do you? Well, let’s make it rough then.”

He started ripping the boys clothing, tearing the shirt up from the middle. He took a knife, hidden in his left boot and used it to cut the belt and tear up his pants as well. Olavi kicked him, tried crawling away, but was pulled back by his ankle. Vladimir took his leg, pulled the first shoe off and then the second, getting rid off all of his clothing.

“Help!! Alex!!” The man hit him again, trying to yank his legs apart.
“Please, please let me go…” Olavi begged in panic, tensing all of him muscles, trying to do his best to keep his legs together. Another slap on his face.
“Open your fucking legs now,” Olavi still struggled, but finally the older, stronger man overpowered him with his strength. Olavi’s energy was fading, the man got what he wanted. He spit on his hand and finger was shoved roughly inside.

“ God’s you’re tight… Are you still a virgin?” Vladimir asked while watching his pain in sick satisfaction. There was no reply, only desperate tears. “I guess not, I guess Alexander beat me to it.” He shoved another finger in, Olavi screamed.

“I wonder if you feel as good as your brother did. Well, I’ll find out soon, won’t I?” He grinned, kissing the boy again. Third finger inside. “Does Alexander find you better than him?” The boy looked startled by his question. “Oh, you didn’t know, did you?”
“Please stop.” He begged.
“Like the little slut your brother was, we fucked him good. Alexander did too, took him many times…. You really do look so much like him, Alexander must have been ecstatic when finding you.”
The words stabbed him deep, it could not be true, it could not…
“No.” He sobbed. “No..”
“Yes.” Kisses, continuing kisses on his naked flesh. The pain caused by the man’s fingers being forced inside of him, pain in his heart of the revealed truth. His brother. Alexander had spoken of his brother. “Beautiful.” The man whispered.

Vladimir revealed his organ; hard, red from the blood that had rushed down to it. Olavi knew what was to come, knew that it would happen, no one would come in time.
“I’m going to shove this deep inside that tight little hole of yours and fuck you hard, tear you up.” He whispered. Using more of his own spit on him and on himself the man got between his legs, guiding his cock against his entrance. “Are you ready?” He asked. Olavi shook his head, losing his strength to speak. The man penetrated him with one hard thrust. That was pure agony, even his first time had been gentler and he screamed, trembling under the bigger body.

“So tight…” Vladimir moaned, starting to move, holding him under him tightly. Olavi’s head felt dizzy with the pain. God was punishing him, he thought, punishing him for acting the way that he had, for wanting another man. The day in the forest with Alexander, he had acted like a slut in heat. This, he had never wanted this.
Then the whispers started, telling him the nasty details of his brother’s death, telling him how many men had taken him, asking if he wished for the same. Does Alexander ever moan his name while he sleeps? When he fucks you? He felt sick, really sick. He cried for his brother and he cried for himself, of the pain. His heart felt heavy.

He was tearing him up, that was how it felt like. Pain flickered in his body and all the crying left him feeling numb inside. He prayed for it to end, not sure how much he could take before passing out. Everything felt so surreal, looking at the sky, high up to tree tops, few birds flying across, the stillness of nature, the fierce moving of the man, his intensive moans, his own broken sobs

The man turned him around, slamming into him again and again, pulling at his hair; Olavi had to bend his neck back into painful position. He almost couldn’t believe that what happened was really happening to him. It had to be someone else…


**^^**^^**^^**^^**

The sun was starting to set. More people had joined their search; men who had known the family earlier, friends of Olavi’s parents, Hanna’s father, but none of them hadn’t find any clue yet.

Alexander worried about the darkness that would soon be falling. He refused to think of the possibility of finding Olavi dead; old wounds were about to open, old memories. Broken cries of Elias on the cold winter night, his dead body on the floor, glazed eyes of the dead.

He had told Aino to go home, but the young woman refused to leave until she would find her younger brother. Hanna’s father searched with them.
“Olavi!” Aino called, looking around. “Olavi!” She took support from the tree trunk next to her, leaning against it, looking up to the sky. It felt hard to breath, she sank down on her knees. “Olavi! Where are you?!… Answer, please answer…”


Alexander listened carefully, he thought he heard something… something…
“Shh… Listen.” He said then with a frown on his face. Aino stood up, listening as well.
Alexander suddenly looked up, something was telling him to continue, telling him where to go, weak voice, instinct.
“Do you hear something? Because I don’t.” Hanna’s father asked. Alexander didn’t answer, just continued walking, with determined look on his face, soon he started running.

His heart was beating madly, now he definitely heard something.

First it was shock, then fear and then anger that hit him once seeing the scene in front of him. Olavi laid on the ground naked, face down, while Vladimir loomed over him, touching him, touching himself. Olavi was not moving. Still, fragile body, covered with bruises, Alexander saw the blood on him, his heart twisted in pain, tears filled his eyes. Not again, not again…

He grasped a thick branch from the ground and marched towards them.
‘’’Vladimir!’’’ He shouted. The other man looked up.
‘’’Alexander, you’re welcomed to have your turn.’’’ Vladimir smiled sickly, but his smile soon faded when seeing the anger on his former comrade’s face, when seeing the branch that Alexander had lifted up. ‘’’What are you doing?’’’ He asked.
‘’’Something I should have done years ago!’’’ Alexander hit him hard with the branch, the other man cried out, held his hands up in weak defence.
‘’’Stop!’’’ Alexander did not listen, he hit him again and again.
‘’’Did you bloody stop when he asked!?’’’ He shouted, hitting him in blind anger.

The other man was lying still on the ground in his own blood. That was when Alexander finally stopped. He let the branch fall from his hands, tears of anger and sorrow in his eyes. He took a couple of deep breaths. He knew he had just killed him, but didn’t really have the energy to care or worry. The man deserved to be dead. He turned towards were Olavi laid, cried as he knelt down to touch him.
“Olavi…please be alive.”” He whispered lifting him up to his arms, supporting his neck so that his head would not fall back. Vladimir had beaten him up quite badly, but he was still breathing, he was still alive, though unconscious. Alexander held him tightly, kissing his forehead, stroking his hair. “I’m sorry sweetheart, I’m so sorry.”

It was then that Aino and the other man found them.

Chapter 14.

Aino gasped in shock, she noticed the dead man on the ground, the man that had his pants undone, then she saw her brother. Alexander held him; he was naked, unconscious, bruised and battered, blood everywhere. She ran to them, calling his name in despair, wanting to wake him up.
“We have to get him home.” Alexander said, still holding him. “May I use your jacket please, to cover him up.” He asked Nils, Hanna’s father.
“Yes, of course.” The man answered with trembling voice as he started to remove his jacket. He felt sick, it was quite clear what had happened there and he felt really sorry for the poor boy. He glanced towards the dead body, his mind filling with hatred towards the man that was no longer.

“What should we do with that?” Nils asked gesturing towards the thing. Both the girl and Alexander turned to look.
“I take full responsibility; he did not deserve to live after what he did. If someone asks, it was I who did it.” He said and stood up, scooping Olavi into his arms. “Now we must hurry, he needs a doctor.”

“Don’t worry about that body, no one here would blame you for killing him, I think I might have done the same thing, had I found that animal on that poor child. We’ll simply bury him; hope that no one misses him.” Nils said then. “I’ll take care of it, you two go.”


**^^**^^**^^**^^**

“Why did you let him go with that stranger?!” Aino screamed. She was sick with worry; the doctor had been with Olavi for some time but that felt like forever. Emma cried.
“Believe me; I do blame myself for it.”
“This is not the time to be blaming anyone.” Alexander spoke. Aino glared at him.
“Everything was fine before you!” She screamed. “Fine before you came and ruined his life.”

“Aino, Alexander just saved your brother’s life, how can you blame him?” Emma asked.
“He did more than that Emma; he has bedded my brother, more than once as I understand.”
“What?” Emma gasped. “What do you mean bedded?”
“What do you think I mean by it? He had sex with him.”
“But he’s a man! They… they both are.” She stammered.
“Indeed.” Aino merely answered.


Emma looked at Alexander with question in her eyes, with shock.
“It is true, we are lovers.” The man admitted. Aino humphed.
Emma hardly found any words, she couldn’t understand it; lovers? She was silent, what could she say? How should she act?

“There is more to be said.” Alexander said finally, it was either Aino or him to tell the rest and he rather told himself. “And I shall begin my story as soon as I find out the news of Olavi’s condition.” He looked at Aino. “I know, he is young, I know what you think of me. There was a time, longest time, when I thought that my heart had shut itself for ever loving another, time when I thought it to be too badly broken. Olavi changed that, his energy woke me, he is sweet, caring, warm, so much things that I cannot help but to love.”
Aino listened to him quietly, different emotions running through her, not sure which one she should grasp.

It was then that the doctor stepped out of Olavi’s room. Wiping sweat from his forehead, a worried frown upon his features. He looked at them, looked at the fearful wait on their faces, questions they were too afraid to voice.
“He sleeps, hasn’t come to, I am not sure when he shall wake.” He said and sat down, taking the drink that Emma offered to him.
“Will he survive?” Aino asked with fearful, childlike voice. The man who had seen a lot during his 60 years, smiled at the girl, a gentle smile, a fatherly smile that one would give in a sad circumstances as this to comfort.
“He will live…” He told them. “But this is a severe trauma that he has gone through, he will need a lot of time to recover physically. Mentally he will need an even longer time... At war time, I saw few cases such as this, such things are hardly spoken, but they do happen. Circumstances might have been different, but many times the trauma of it is the same. It may somewhat comfort him to know that he is not the only one who has had a horrible experience such as this.” Silence followed. “He needs you all to conquer this, give him time, listen, but do not ask for questions that he is not ready to answer, when the time is right he will tell you, but not sooner than that. It is likely that he will have nightmares, best not leave him alone with those, especially at first; be with him, make him feel save again. I will check upon him tomorrow. If he wakes, I advise you not to move him, his injuries… “ The man sighed, took another gulp of the drink that had been offered to him. “He has taken quite a beat physically, whoever did this to him…” He shook his head. “Such a sweet boy, it’s hard to understand the monster that would hurt that child so severely.”

“I am drifting off, I apologize. It’s hard for me to be objective when I’ve known your parents since they were children.” He said, speaking to Aino, he smiled just a little, it was a sad smile. “Do not fear little one, we will get him fixed, we will get your brother smile again one day.” Then he stood up.
“Now, I must take my leave, if anything comes up, I am at your reach 24hours per day. And I shall call on you tomorrow noon.”

They said their goodbye’s. Aino didn’t waste any time, she went straight into her brother’s room. He looked so small under the covers. She cried when seeing him more closely, there was bruising on his neck, his lips were swollen slightly, a cut on his lower lip. His left cheek; reddish from where he had been hit. There was a bandage to cover his forehead, circling his head. With trembling lips she kissed his unbruised cheek, a tear of hers falling down on his skin; gently she wiped it away. He was dressed in pyjama. She carefully took his hand from under the coverlet, warm, felt so fragile, she saw the bruise around his wrist. She held his hand and kissed it, bringing his hand on her cheek then. She touched his face, stroking the skin gently.

“I love you little brother, please get well, I’ll die if I lose you.” She whispered, hoping that he would open his eyes, that he would be alright and he would smile that sweet smile of his. She tried to remember a day when she would have seen him unhappy, a day when he would have been mad. Lately there had not been such days, they were all in the long ago past. Here he had been so happy, just yesterday she had seen that sparkle in his eyes, would it be lost forever now?

Anger burned her soul as she thought of the man that done this. How could he? It had not been enough to take one time pleasure of an unwilling body, no, the man had taken more than that. How many hours? Minutes? She remembered what they had done to Elias, and now Olavi had been forced to go through almost the same experience. She thought of him crying alone in the forest with the monster, begging for help that had not come.

She heard a sound and turned to look. It was Alexander who stood at the doorway, his gaze on Olavi, who still was lying motionless. There was worry in his eyes, true worry, true fear, true… love? She questioned in her mind before turning towards Olavi once more.

“I’m glad he’s dead.” She said suddenly, still looking at her brother and not the person that she spoke to.
“I am too.” Alexander answered quietly. She started crying then, still holding Olavi’s hand in hers, almost afraid to let go.
“He’s my whole world. All those years ago, Elias asked me to take care of our little brother and I have, I made up my mind to always take care of him, never let something…” Her sobbing broke her voice. “…Something like this to happen. I have failed, only 16 and I already failed.”

“He loves you Aino, I don’t think that no one can ever mean more to him than you do. You have not failed him.” He spoke carefully, not sure when or if she would jump in his throat again.

She looked at him again, thinking. So many different thoughts, so many different emotions. Battle in her mind. This man was the reason for the bright smile on Olavi’s face, the cause of the sparkle in his eyes, she hadn’t seen it before, could it be that they really loved each other? The man had beaten and killed the monster and on the other hand, hadn’t he been the reason for this monster to get here in the first place? And then there was Elias…

“How and when did Elias die?” She asked finally with quiet voice. Alexander sighed deeply, he took a chair and sat down.
“Are you sure that this is the right time? Are you sure you wish to know?”
“I am. I want the truth, all of it. I want to get my peace with all the questions that I’ve asked myself for all these years. And maybe… Maybe it will help me understand.” She said, looking at her younger brother and stroking his hair gently.

“I’ll start it over, from the start as I remember it.” He said, she glanced at him, but remained quiet. Emma had appeared to the doorway. “Please sit down, this is not an easy tale to listen.” Without a word, slightly trembling, Emma did so.

“It was late evening when they brought him there. Our lieutenant, I knew him before, I knew of his perverted desire to hurt, war, as I feel, woke the true monster inside of him. But had I expected him to bring a 15 old boy, an enemy's child to the camp to…? Well, I hadn’t, none of us had. But they did, saw it to be fun I guess… I…” He had to stop for a minute. “I was young, it did shock me to see how fast the men who I had thought to know, changed into non caring animals. I wanted to help Elias, but I had no clue of how to, without putting my own life at risk… I tried to do what I could, Elias faked illness so that they would not touch him. I was ordered to take care off him. You have to understand, that he was feeling quite lonely and unsafe, he was frightened and I was the only person whom he could at the time rely on. And I must say that I found some inner peace by his side, a world that was so filled with misery and pain, people doing crazy things, turning into monsters like I just told you. But Elias, in that darkness he was my light, and I guess I was his. I did fall for him, in love I mean, we didn’t speak the same language, but understood each other despite it. We tried to escape, and were so close to succeed, it’s something always weighting on my mind and my heart. But we were found. Elias, I have never known someone so brave, especially thinking how young he was, he saved my neck, I failed to save his… Your brother died on 8th of April, he ended his own life rather than have it taken by them, with himself he killed the man responsible; our lieutenant.”

Aino was quiet, concentrating on Olavi, her head ached, her heart felt heavy, lump in her throat. She remembered the soldiers who had found her and Olavi and took them to safety. She had begged them, telling the same thing over and over again; three men came and took Elias, save him, you must safe him.’ But it felt like no one listened, they just comforted them, telling that everything would be alright soon. Three months, they would have had three months…

“This can’t be true, what on earth are you talking about?” Emma breathed out, standing up. She looked at them in disbelief. “It’s not true!” She screamed and ran out. Alexander stood up, trying to force the tears away. It was hard. He looked towards the bed, at Olavi. It pained him to see him like that, just that same morning… He remembered, the worry in his voice then the way he had smiled and kissed him.
“Alright, I’ll see you in the evening then.” And now he laid there bruised and unconscious…

He hesitated, not wanting to leave him, but knowing that he had to. He had to speak to Emma, besides, Aino looked like she wouldn’t let anyone close to Olavi but herself, not now.

**^^**^^**^^**^^**

He found the woman at the porch, sitting on the bench, arms wrapped around herself, gazing at the sky tears in her eyes. she did not look at him.
“Emma, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this sooner.” He spoke quietly, silence. She took a deep shaking breath.
“He loved me. Elias loved me.”
“I know.” Alexander said coming closer.
“Go away! Leave!” She screamed looking at him, tears running down. Her breathing was tense. She didn’t want to believe that the boy that she had loved had met such an afoul end, nor did she want to believe that he had loved this man.
“This is for you, it’s from him, I have not read it, since it had been addressed to you. I’ll leave you alone, if you want to talk, then…” She took the letter from his hands, looking at it, not saying a word. Sighing Alexander left her.

She opened the piece of paper with trembling hands.

“Dear Emma.” A drop of her tear fell on the paper, paper that was yellowish after the time.
“This is my last letter to you, my goodbye. I am dying, I’m not sure how many hours I have left, but I know it’s only matter of hours. I do not wish to shock you, but knowing you, my friend, my love, you will want the truth. They brought me here on January, it’s been hard. Language I cannot understand, men that treat me like an animal. But I’ve found comfort. Alexander, Sascha as I call him, I hope he can deliver this to you. He’s been very good to me. He is a good person Emma; you would like him, I’m sure.
My thoughts are running. I hope you will be able to read my handwriting, I’m trembling so bad, I can hardly hold the pen: the truth, I know you want the truth.
I thought of you last night, I could not sleep; my body does not need it anymore. I thought of the summer, I thought about how we kissed by our tree, remember the kiss in the forest, our promises to wed. The smile on your face, laughter; you are so beautiful. Your golden hair, your warm eyes; I miss you Emma. I miss the summer, my family, everything. I miss the time when… When there was no war, when it was just a far away thought to us.
There’s not much time, they come for me soon. I love you, never doubt that I hadn’t. I hope you’re happy, I hope you’ve found a good man by your side, a man that treats you as an equal, accept no less Emma. I loved your craziness, never change to please others, be the wild child you are in your heart, and be the girl that I have always loved. Life is too short to live it to please them, what matters is you. All the good small moments and the people you love are what matters.
My last confession, it will come as a shock, but I feel I must tell it to you before I don’t have the chance to do so. I fell in love with Sascha, it sounds strange I know, but it doesn’t lessen my love for you. He has been good to me, he held me, and he tried to save me. It can’t be wrong, love can never be wrong, that’s what I’ve learned. Just remember that I do love you, it has not changed, and it will not die. You always had me and you always shall, even after I am gone, I am there. Goodbye Emma, I love you.
Yours: Elias.”

After finishing the letter there was no stopping her tears. She cried for him, and yet she started to understand, she wanted to understand…
 

Chapter 15.

Everything good will be destroyed, all beauty dies in the hands of evil. World; how cruel and cold can you be? It is your screams that keep me awake, your pain that haunts me. I belong by your side; Why have you not asked for me?

There is no justice, not in this world.


Pain flickered in his body, there was a desperate sob that escaped from his lips. Opening his eyes, instant brightness, his head was throbbing, his throat felt sore.
“A-Aino.” He called weakly, his voice hoarse and not sounding like his own. She was instantly by his side, taking his hand, kissing his palm. Tears of hers falling on his skin and he tried to look at her.
“I’m so glad you’re awake, I was so worried.” Aino whispered. Olavi closed his eyes, opened them again. He groaned in pain, feeling it all over him, finally breaking down in desperate tears, it was too much, just too much.
“Hurts… it hurts…help me…” He whined with small voice, dizzy with the pain, wanting to end it and not knowing how. “Help me.” He begged, weary, not himself.

Aino felt helpless as she looked at his pain, as he tossed and turned on the bed crying, moaning, sweat glimmering on his forehead, asking for help, for release from it. It had been almost 24hours that he had spend in his unconscious state and all the time she had spend on his bedside praying for him to wake and now that he had…

She watched him in shock, tears falling down helplessly. She did not know how to help him.

**^^**^^**^^**

All I know is pain, the truth is too horrid and I beg your forgiveness brother. Had I known, had my heart known…How can I escape from these memories?

He trembled from cold, why was it so cold?
He could not breath, the man was choking him.
“All beauty must die…” Whisper, lustful lips on his tear soaked skin. “..But perhaps just one more taste…” And slowly the slippery and limp organ had began to harden again. One merciless thrust was all it took for the man to penetrate him fully. He hardly heard his own screaming anymore.

“He’s burning up…” Voices, where was he? Who was speaking? Hand on his forehead. He had to get away, had to breathe, had to tell them.
“Elias…”
“Shh.. calm down son, it’s okay, you’re okay.” Who was speaking? A man? There was a man; had to get away… “Shh…rest, you need to rest.” Couldn’t get away. Weak, cold, whispers, voices, worried, restless steps.

And I dream, I call for you, but you will not come, why won’t you come? I should not want you anymore, but I do…How can I stop my heart from crying out for you? For loving you even after the horrid truth? Even after what happened?

**^^**^^**^^**^^**


A week passed, then two. His fever eased, his physical strength slowly returning, but it had left him silent, like a ghost of himself. They all feared; would they ever get him back?

Aino stepped into the room, bringing some flowers in, placing the vase on the table.
“I brought these to lighten up your mood.” She spoke, “bluebells and daisy's; your favorite.” She smiled then and glanced at him.

Olavi was on the bed, in half sitting, half laying position, staring out into the sunshine, not acknowledging her arrival in any way. The bruises on his face and neck were fading fast, but his eyes still revealed the sad truth; the joy was gone, every feeling was hidden and he was silent.

“Would you like me to read something to you?” Aino asked and sat down, there was a brief look, but no reply. Swallowing some tears and forcing herself to smile, she took the book and began to read.

“Are you hungry?” She asked after half an hour of reading. Again she got no reply. “Olavi?” She asked. “I’ll bring you some tea.” She said then, holding the urge back to shake him, to scream at him to wake him up.

Smile to me brother, don’t you see how we miss you?


Alexander found her crying in the kitchen, she had spilled some tea on the table, a cup lay broken on the floor. He placed his hand on her shoulder and in the need of comfort; she sprung around to hug him. Surprised, he carefully hugged her back.
“Go to him, bring him back for I cannot.”


**^^**^^**^^**

I have missed you, can you not feel it? Do you think I’m going to let you drown? I cannot, I love you far too much.

Alexander stepped in, closed the door after him softly. He looked at the boy, wanting to reach out and touch him.

Do you know how much I feared for you?

He walked closer, took out a chair and sat down. Olavi turned his eyes on him, but quickly turned them away.
“You have to keep on living.” Alexander whispered after long moment of silence. “We all miss you, speak to us.” He could see him starting to tremble, tears forming in his eyes, at least it was a reaction, at least it meant that he heard him. “I’ve missed you.” He reached out to take his hand in his. “I love you.” Olavi tensed, looked at him, drawing his hand quickly away, tears falling down.

“Do not tell me such lies.” He hissed.
“Lies? They are not lies sweetheart.” Olavi gulped, looking down at his hands; clenching into fists.
“And do not call me with such sweet names either.” His voice broke.
“Olavi?” Teary blue eyes met his.

“I know,” He said. “I know about Elias and you…I know what you did to him.” Alexander looked at him with surprise. “I’m surely going to hell, I’ve let you…The rapist of my brother; I’ve allowed his touches on my body and I’ve even begged for them!” He cried more openly now. “I deserved what happened, I should be dead… but even after everything… my cursed heart still loves you! Why did you do this to me?”

” I wish I would have told you before he fed you lies, I wish…” Olavi looked at him trembling. “Elias was the one I told you about. I loved him, I never raped him.”

“And I was only his replacement! A mere ghost of him to you?! He was my brother! Why did you do this? Why did you have to make me fall in love with you?!” He screamed.
“You were never his replacement, I have loved you for you, not as his ghost.”
“When you firs saw me, did you not see him in my place? I do not need your lies… Go… Just please go!”

How could I leave you like this? How could I leave you with these thoughts, You have my heart, you healed it, and now it longs to be by your side. Do not turn me away.

“I love you Olavi.” Alexander whispered and the boy cried.

Do not feed me lies, I want to believe, but how can I? We’re both on our way to hell most surely if I let you stay, most surely if I give in to my poor heart.

“Go! Leave! I do not want you here!”
You were his first before me, did I ever really have you?

“Leave now!”

Slowly you rise, helplessness on your face and I want to reach out, but I cannot get rid of the whispers and I cannot be anyone's ghost. Leave, my love, let me lick my wounds in peace, please leave my heart forever…And as you go, I let myself fall.

There is no justice in this world.


Alexander walked away from the room, his heart heavy, he went outside and walked towards the river and sat down beside a three, the tree, their tree. He cursed Vladimir in his mind, the man that now lay somewhere in the forest, under the heavy ground, the man that had destroyed so much.

How can I let you go?

He lighted a cigarette, stayed out until the darkness fell. The night was chilly, after smoking one, he lighted another, watching as the smoke danced with the wind.

How can I bring you back? Should I let you go? Should I leave? Do you really want me to?

He closed his eyes, listening to the water, how calming the soft gleaming sound was. A sound woke him. The light of the moon revealing the angelic sight to him. The boy walked in the water bare feet, holding his shoes in his hands. Looking at him, smiling softly. Alexander hardly dared to breath.
“Elias…” The boy smiled still, walking closer, letting his shoes drop from his hands on to the soft sand, but he stayed in the water, walking along the shore line, never taking his eyes away from him.
“Is it really you?” He asked, watching him.
“Did you miss me?” The boy’s soft voice asked as he knelt down to touch the water with his hands, playing with it.
“Yes.“
“He needs you, Sascha.” He said then and smiled at his wonder. “Do not let him push you away, he needs you, he hesitates, but you cannot leave him. Don’t leave him, not now.”
“How did you…?”
“The sky is so clear, the water… so cold…He feels cold, it’s warm where I am, he longs for it, do not let him… Your warmth is better Sascha,”
“I don’t understand?”
”He needs you, there’s still time. He needs you Sascha.”
With a startle Alexander woke, looking at the lake; he was gone. A dream, another dream, but again it had felt so real.
“The sky is so clear, the water… so cold…He feels cold, it’s warm where I am, he longs for it, do not let him… Your warmth is better Sascha,” Were they truth or dream? What did they mean?

Chapter 16.

“My father told me you were hurt, he said I shouldn’t come, but I wanted to see you.” Hanna told to the boy, who lay on the bed, gazing out with such a blank expression that scared her. “I brought you some cake, I baked it myself. Would you like a taste?” She offered then. He blinked his eyes, but said nothing and did not even look at her.

“What happened to you?” She asked then, frustrated of not knowing. There were all kinds of rumours going around, but none could tell for certain what had happened to the boy. Something horrible it had been and Hanna knew that her father knew about it. He had come home late that evening, it was almost night. His clothes had been covered in filth and he had taken a drink the first thing. Her father only drank on rare occasions; his face had been white and she had seen how his hands had trembled. “Go to your room Hanna!” He had shouted at her, taking his second drink, gulping it down. She wanted to know if Olavi was alright, the man she had every intention of marrying, making other girls in their village green with jealousy. But her father had silenced her, forbade her to go and see him. He was alive, that was all that he was willing to tell her. Now she finally decided to see him for herself.

“Olavi?” She asked, when she got no reply from him. But the boy remained expressionless, so not like himself. And tears fell from her eyes, landing on her lips. “Talk to me, please say something?” She begged.

“I think you should leave Hanna, I’m feeling tired.” He said then, still not looking at her.
“But … Olavi?”
“There is nothing to say Hanna. Please leave.” Even his voice sounded hollow. Swallowing up her tears, she left the cake on the table and turned to leave.

Olavi watched her as she stepped out of the room, closing the door after her, he was alone once more, just how he preferred it, how he thought he did.


******************



The sun was shining, endless sunshine, warm, hot, he wanted it to rain. He would welcome rain, grey sky instead of the baby blue. It was how he felt inside; grey. What was the point?
The child's laughter echoed from outside, he closed his eyes.

There was nothing, the laughter would always eventually die and then there would be nothing but pain left. His heart… What it had felt like to taste the feeling of happiness, how warm he had felt drinking the sweetness of first love. What it had felt like to… But it was a lie, he had been caught up in a lie and yet he missed it, praying that he could return back in time, that he could relive that dream of love. But the world was nothing but lies, love was nothing but lies and he didn’t have the energy to walk the long, lonely path of misery and sorrow.

He didn’t have the energy to smile, to pretend that nothing had changed, so that others could still relish the sweetness of living in lies, the sweetness of not seeing how dark it really was and how fragile the walls where, how easily and suddenly they could break around them. For them he hoped, that they’d never find out what he knew.

He saw nothing but darkness ahead of him, he saw his life… there was nothing, not even a hint of light to walk towards to. He weighted others down with him, to the darkness from where he could not climb up from, his sister, Aino… all she did was cry now, he heard her at nights, saw the tears whenever she would look at him. If he were gone, they’d free from his hold, they’d be able to climb back toward where the sun was, where the laughter was, maybe they’d be able to walk through the path of life without falling, without seeing. What good did it make to know what he knew?

And that was why he got up from his bed that night. The reason he took the piece of paper, took a hold of the pen, feeling such odd calmness whit every word that he wrote down.
“My dear sister, I am leaving. A choice I make, only choice that feels right. I am tired and I cannot bring myself to walk this path, every step feels too heavy for me to take. Forgive me, forgive that I cannot be stronger, that I cannot stay. You’ll do fine, I know. I love you, you’ve been my world, my rock, my sister, my best friend and I thank you for all the love you’ve given me.
Good bye, your loving brother: Olavi.”

He sneaked out to the chill morning air, with the first light of the sun coming from between the clouds and it was almost as if in a dream that he walked. The voice of his brother, the cold fateful night, he remembered his voice now, remembered how he had smiled, how he had held him and Aino in his arms when they had been scared of the bombing. How had their lives come to this? Why had it happened to them? And Alexander…His lips trembled, after everything he still loved the man and it was the hardest part of it all, he didn’t know how to stop loving him, it felt easier to… felt easier to walk toward what would end his suffering, walk towards the end.

The birds were singing; he hardly heard them.

He reached the lake, soft morning mist playing on the mirror-like surface. He felt calm, feeling the fresh air fill his nostrils, the soft breeze on his skin. He took his shoes off. The sand under his feet, between his toes. He stepped closer to the shore line, looking up towards the sky. It would end soon and he’d be free of his memories, free of the pain that still held him. He walked forward, determined, trembling as he felt how cold it was. Such a beautiful morning, such a perfect day. He felt calm, for the first time in days; he felt calm. Tears fell from his eyes, but again he looked toward the sky and smiled.


-Alexander.-

“The sky is so clear, the water… so cold…He feels cold, it’s warm where I am, he longs for it, do not let him… Your warmth is better Sascha,” The words repeated themselves over and over again in his mind, almost screaming at him, he was screaming at him. And the whole walk back to the house, he felt such restlessness. Olavi. He needs you. And though the boy would hate him, though he would scream at him to leave, Alexander found compelled to go to the boy’s room, only to find his bed empty, only to find the letter on the table and with trembling hands he read it. It all became clear to him right then and he did not waste time when he rushed out, when he ran towards the lake as fast as he could. He had to make it in time, if he didn’t make it in time everything would collapse. He wouldn’t be able to take it, he had to be there in time. Taste of blood in his mouth, but he didn’t stop to rest, breathing heavily, almost stumbling over, he ran.

“Olavi!” He called and when he reached the lake he saw him, just as the boy’s head disappeared under. And he ran to the water, swimming, diving under, grasping the fragile body and pulling him up with him. Olavi coughed the water, fighting as the man dragged him closer to the shore.

“I want to die!” The boy screamed. “Let go of me, I want to die!” He cried and the man looked at the boy with the urge to shake him awake.
“That was so stupid of you! Don’t you ever try anything like that again! So stupid Olavi! Why?? Why did you do that? Why??” He shook him, not letting go, anger clear in his voice and the boy cried.
“Why not?? What is there left for me? I am no good to anyone any more, no one would want me now! I’m tired, I can’t go on! I can’t breathe anymore! Why do you care!?”Alexander breathed tensely.
“I love you, I care for you, more than I can ever tell you.”
“You loved my brother, it’s not me you love, it’s his memory…”
“No, it’s true I loved him, but I also love you. Your brother was forced to end his life, I was forced to watch it. Do not force me to watch yours, do not kill me by killing yourself. I love you, you are my life, you cannot wake me and then leave me.”
He held the boy, kissing his forehead, his cheeks. Holding the wet body tightly against his own. “Do not slip away from me.” Olavi could do nothing but cry in the man’s arms and he held him. It was all so confusing, so overwhelming. “It feels hard now, but in time it gets better, it gets easier. Let me be here for you, let me help you. I miss you, I miss your laughter.” Alexander whispered, feeling as the younger one shook.
“It hurts so much…” Olavi whispered. “It never ends, the pain… I can’t breathe, it hurts so much to breathe…” He was gasping for breath, tears, endless tears.
“Let it out, just let it out, scream…” Alexander whispered to him and so the boy did scream, on the top of his lungs, he screamed from the pain that had gathered up inside of him. He screamed for the death of his brother, screamed from the pain of the knowledge that they both had loved the same man and he cried of the agony he himself had been forced to go through. Finally, feeling exhausted, he let himself relax in Alexander’s strong arms.

And the man carried him from the water to the shore, kissing the smooth skin of his cheeks. Brushing the wet hair from his forehead. “It will be alright,” he whispered reassuringly and Olavi simply looked at him, into his eyes and faintly he nodded his head. “Let’s take you home and out of these wet clothes.” Again he nodded and he let him carry him, all the while looking at him silently. He wanted to trust him, use his strength to go on.

It was still early, everyone else was asleep. Olavi changed his clothes and Alexander wrapped him under the blanket in bed, staying close to him, stroking his forehead gently.

“Tell me the truth, tell me about my brother… I need to know the truth, please?” Olavi asked quietly. Alexander sighed.
“If you wish, then, I will tell you.” And he did tell him, he told it the way he remembered it; told him how close they had been to escape and that in the end, Elias had been the brave one, saving him. And Olavi listened quietly, carefully, wanting to understand and he cried and Alexander cried and Olavi carefully reached out to take the man’s hand in his, looking into Alexanders eyes then he finally saw the hint of light, a small fire of hope.
“We will get through this Olavi, I won’t let you fall, just… please don’t slip away.”
And for a moment Olavi was silent, looking at their joined hands, the back up.
“I won’t,” he whispered. “I wasn’t thinking, please don’t tell my sister what I almost did?”
“I won’t, I promise.”
“Hold me?” He asked opening his arms to him, inviting him close and Alexander did. They lay there, wrapped up in each others arms, whispering, promising, it would all turn out alright. Just how they didn’t know, but they didn’t want to worry about it now.

Finally they fell asleep that way. It was Aino who found them; hesitantly she stood at the door and watched the two men and how lovingly they had curled up together. She closed the golden cross, the cross that hang on her neck , the one Elias had given her all those years ago, inside her palm, weight of worry slipping away from her shoulders and weakly she smiled.

She turned and closed the door after her, she had feared to lose him, she had seen a dream, a terrible dream and feared not to find him. Anyting would be better than to lose her brother completely, she had become to realise. Even if he were to choose a life with a man, a man she had thought to hate, it would be better than to lose him completely.

She would find the time to talk with them both later.
 

Web published: My Secret Shore

© KOLGRIM 2006 - 2007

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