A/N: Not betad yet :) 

            Chapter 50

Misha breathed harshly, Joni sat on top of him and was currently kissing his neck while caressing the blond’s chest with his hands. Joni was definitely becoming bolder and Misha had to struggle not to let his own lust take the best own him, the desire to take the control and just… go with it. Joni moved to kiss his lips, gently at first then more demanding. Misha groaned he felt himself trembling and his hands roamed Joni’s naked upper body, squeezing him closer and perhaps too harshly because it made Joni break the kiss.

“I’m sorry…” Misha panted and Joni smiled softly before planting a kiss on his cheek.

“It’s okay, just… gently… slowly… Let me be in charge, for now.” The brunet asked looking in his eyes. Misha sighed and nodded. “It will be worth it,” Joni promised and softly moved his hand on Misha’s cheek to his neck and further down to his chest. The brunet felt the steady, fast beat of his boyfriend’s heart, seeing the lust behind the blue eyes and knowing how much Misha had to struggle to keep himself in check. It had been a long wait after all and though Joni still didn’t feel he could relax enough to go all the way, he could offer another kind of pleasure to the blond.

He caressed Misha’s nipples, leaning down to kiss them and lick around the area. Misha moaned, his hips moved and Joni felt the blond’s erection. There was a passing feeling of familiar fear that the past had caused. Reminding himself that it was just an instinct that Chris had caused and had nothing to do with present, Joni was able to relax and move further with his plan.

Joni ran his hand carefully along Misha’s stomach, stopping at the waistband of his trousers before looking up at his lover’s face. “Joni, you know that you don’t have to…” Joni pressed his finger on Misha’s lips to shush him.

“I want to touch you,” The brunet replied. “If you let me?”

“I think my body is answering on itself…” Misha couldn’t help but to grin and Joni smiled.

“Yeah…” The younger man moved his hand lower, feeling the enlarged member through the fabric and it’s the eager response to the touch. Joni gave a couple of slow strokes to it and Misha closed his eyes feeling his hips move, desperately seeking for more contact. He didn’t remember ever feeling so horny, it was almost torture. Joni started to pull his pants down to reveal his cock and Misha reached out to touch Joni’s arm. “I know it may feel weird, but… I don’t want you to touch me now, okay? Just… let me…”

Misha looked at Joni’s face, lowered his hand and nodded. He would have wanted to touch his boyfriend, wanted a lot of things, but he needed to allow Joni to control the situation and decide what to do. He allowed the younger man to undress him fully, watching as Joni then stood up to strip himself slowly down to his boxers. There was a coy smile cast in Misha’s direction and the blond unconsciously licked his lips while admiring the show. Joni climbed back over the bed, kneeling beside him.

The brunet touched Misha’s hot throbbing flesh, smoothed his hand over the velvety length, feeling as his cheeks begun to burn. It was the first time he touched Misha this intimately while being sober. There was certain shyness; it was strange and fascinating feeling. Misha’s heavy breathing and his own, Joni swallowed as he wrapped his hand around his boyfriend’s cock, his thumb caressed over the leaking head and their eyes met briefly. Misha’s eyes were dark blue from lust and his eyes followed keenly his every move, still the blond was able to keep still and Joni didn’t feel any fear. His memory brought him back on their first time and he touched Misha with almost the same fascination as he had then.

“You’re so beautiful, Misha…” Joni whispered, again glancing up at the blond with that coy smile resting on his lips. Misha smiled back at him, grinning a bit.

“You have no idea how amazing you look right there…” Misha murmured with hoarse voice, aching to touch the brunet. Such sweet torture it was.

Joni started to move his hand slowly over Misha’s length, studying the movement of his hand. “You’re very… impressive…here…” He whispered again glancing at him from under his brows. “Of course… you know that…”

Misha grinned widely. “Don’t mind hearing… love to hear you talk…” He said and had to bit his tongue in order not to start dirty talking himself. He definitely didn’t want to freak Joni out now.

Joni continued to caress Misha, speeding up the movement, feeling as the organ hardened further in his hold and Misha groaned in delight, bugging his hips upwards. Unidentified Russian words made out from his lips that caused Joni to grin and feel bolder in his actions. Watching Misha, how he panted and twisted beneath him, his lips parted, struggling so that he wouldn’t take the situation in his own control… Joni started to feel himself getting turned on, he felt hot all over and his body responded. He almost felt surprised when he felt himself hardening, when he started to feel the need of contact, when the idea of leaning towards Misha to get some friction entered his thoughts.

It felt so confusing, good kind of confusing and on the other hand… He smiled, feeling almost embarrassed when he thought that Misha could be able to see his excitement, worry of losing the control, arousal made him so vulnerable… What would Misha think?

The blond felt the change of the rhythm, the slowing motion, and through lust clouded eyes he could see the confusion on the brunets face as well as his… erection through his underwear, Misha smiled, feeling even more turned on. Hope… Joni was able to feel pleasure from doing this and he wanted to make him see, wanted him to feel good all over the way he felt himself. And it was so delicate, just one wrong word or move could make Joni draw back.

“Nothing excites me more than to see you turned on…” Misha whispered studying the younger man’s expression carefully. “Nothing except… being allowed to bring you pleasure… I am at your mercy, Joni… But I would really desire to touch you, if you let me.”

“It’s not part of our homework…” Joni whispered after a moment of silence, blushing slightly.

“It’s what you want to do, what you feel ready to do… Would you like me to touch you?”

Joni hesitated; he was quiet and nipped his bottom lip before leaning closer to kiss Misha.

“I-… just… “He breathed little nervously.

“It’s okay, I won’t do anything that you don’t want to…” The blond assured, brushing his lips gently on Joni’s cheek and his lips. He listened Joni’s breathing, licked his lips and closed his eyes relishing in the pleasure that the brunet offered. Misha caressed Joni’s back slowly feeling as the tension on his back slowly relaxed, there was a soft sigh, the younger man buried his face against his neck and slowly removed his hand before settling more firmly on top of him. Joni’s erection brushed against his own, causing Misha to moan and he wanted to move his hands lower, squeeze those firm, round buttocks of his boyfriend but knew that he shouldn’t. Joni kissed his neck, his eyelashes tickling his skin and slowly the brunet started to move, rocking his hips slowly against him.

Misha bit his lip, squeezed his eyes close, his fingers holding onto Joni’s warm hips, doing his best not to squeeze too hard. This was a big step, he didn’t want to ruin it, it felt amazing and lit the desire for more. Misha wanted to pull Joni’s pants down, feel the hot, hard flesh against his own fully and not just through the fabric, in his mind he was undressing Joni, but he wouldn’t allow himself to take the control in reality, however difficult it felt to restrain himself.

“H-how does this feel?” Joni asked with low whisper, still moving slowly against him.

“Good, very good…” Misha whispered back, opening his eyes to look at his lover, seeing the shy look that he returned.  Joni’s lips were red and inviting to be kissed and so Misha did as gently as possible, while slowly parting his legs to allow Joni settle between them, bending his knees on each side to hold him close but not by force.

Joni moaned, this way the contact felt even better. The kiss deepened and he allowed his instincts take over, rocking against his boyfriend forgetting everything else. Pleasure, it felt so good and he wanted more, the kisses grew more heated as they rubbed against each other with greater need. Misha allowed him to control the pace, the rhythm and the whole process and it was everything Joni needed to let go of the restrains that otherwise easily held him. He wasn’t really thinking much, nothing except how he felt, how Misha felt and how close they were. When Joni reached his orgasm, it surprised him as much as it did Misha, he yelped in shock of the sudden intense wave of pleasure that soiled his boxers. Misha felt the warmth and the moistness of Joni’s seed through the fabric and held the quivering body on top of him, still grinding against him and groaning in delight as he too reached his own bliss.  

Joni smiled shyly as he finally brought his head up to meet with Misha’s eyes. “Ups…” He whispered and released a quiet bout of laughter, both surprised and delighted of what happened, small grip of embarrassment that had no real reason as Misha would have assured him. Misha grinned back at him, brushing his hand through his hair as the sign of deepest affection, reaching up to kiss the brunet’s forehead.

“Ups,” he repeated with amusement, lazy after experiencing such satisfaction.

“What will Pauliina say?” Joni wondered and chuckled as he laid his head over Misha’s chest. “This wasn’t part of the plan…”

“Maybe she will give us detention…” Misha joked, continuing to play his fingers in Joni’s hair. “Well… we didn’t really break any rules of our homework… I kept my mouth and my hands above your waist”, he grinned continuing to stroke Joni’s back.

Joni was quiet for a moment, wasn’t sure what to feel, both glad yet confused of whether or not he should feel… guilt? “Now I’m all sticky…” he muttered chuckling with embarrassment and slowly sat up. “I should go and wash…” He said and as he was about to stand Misha reached gently for his hand.

“This was amazing, Joni…” The blond said grinning.

”Yeah…” Joni agreed quietly, with a small smile playing on his lips before he stood up.

“I suppose asking to shower with you would be pushing my luck?” Misha asked carefully and smiled when Joni turned to look at him.

“Perhaps next time…” The brunet offered quietly and Misha nodded.

“One step at a time,” the blond agreed and laid back down on the bed as Joni left the room. The Russian sighed contently; they were really heading to the right direction.

**^^**^^**^^**

Chris’ hair was short, shaved and Adam thought that he would have had difficult time to recognize his friend from a busy crowd. Chris had had long hair such a long time, almost the entire of his adult life. It wasn’t only the short hair, he still carried bruises on his face and his nose looked broken.

“Having difficulties to recognize me?” Chris asked once Adam sat across from him. “Don’t look so shocked. Now I look like a real inmate, right?” He grinned slightly. “Thought about getting tattoo’s as well, what do you think?”

“Uh…” Adam wasn’t sure how to response, he was shocked and lost with words. “H-how are you feeling?” He managed to ask.

“I’ll survive,” Chris responded, smiling slightly. “My attackers are in worse position, isolation I hear, longer sentence too.” Adam nodded slowly, he felt awkward and wasn’t sure how to talk to Chris.

“I’m sorry it happened,” he said quietly then. “No one deserves that, not even…”

“Someone who abused his partner?” Chris asked calmly, Adam almost looked frightened, or perhaps it was confusion over his bluntness. Chris sighed.

“One could say I deserved what I got…” He said slowly, looking at Adam’s reaction closely.

“Joni was shocked to hear about this as well…”

“Was he?” Chris asked almost lazily and smiled little crookedly. “Does he think I blame him perhaps?” He asked and saw his friend shift little uncomfortably.

“Well, do you?”

“What on earth could Joni have to do with this?” Chris asked instead. “Surely he doesn’t know other jailbirds, other than me?”  Adam was quiet for a moment before replying.

“No, I imagine not… Joni has nothing to do with this.”

“Of course…” Chris nodded and straightened on his seat, he took a small pause before continuing. “I had a lot of time to think while lying in the hospital.”

“And?” Adam asked after it seemed Chris wasn’t continuing.

“Well… “Chris started. “I should let Joni go, shouldn’t I?” He tilted his head and Adam felt a spark of hope that his friend meant what he was saying, that he finally realised it. “Tell Joni that he doesn’t need to worry about the pictures, I haven’t posted them anywhere and… this is where you come in Adam,” Chris leaned slightly forward. “There are copies, but as the sign of my… sincerity,” he smiled slightly before continuing. “He can have them and you may deliver the information of how to access them to him.”

“Where are they?” Adam asked as calmly as he could.

“I created an internet backup file. I suppose you don’t have paper and pen with you?” Chris asked lazily and Adam shook his head. “Well then, I hope you have a good memory.” He smiled slightly. “So, sugarsync.com, remember?”

“Sugarsync.com” Adam repeated almost nervously and nodded.

“And the email of the account is LehJon91@email.com, easy to remember, right? - Three letters of his last name, three from his first and his birth year, okay?” Again Chris gave a lazy smile to his friend.

“I remember,” Adam whispered. “And the password?”

“for7ever5JC, the numbers are his birthday, and you get how to remember the rest, don’t you?” Adam, who felt slightly uncomfortable, nodded.

“I think I will,” he agreed. 

“Good”, Chris smiled slightly crookedly.

“And… there are no other copies?”

“No. I swear on my mother’s life,” Chris answered and Adam again nodded slowly while repeating the user information in his mind in order to remember. “Tell Joni that… I regret how things went; I understand it could never be as sweet as it was in the beginning. I would write him a letter, but I suppose it’s forbidden,” Chris shrugged. “I just… I still have feelings… I wish I could go back to change some of the mistakes I made… Anyway, he shouldn’t worry; I wouldn’t want him constantly looking over his shoulder in fear of me.”

“You really mean this?” Adam asked carefully, he wanted Chris to be sincere, but after everything … could he be trusted?

“Why do you doubt me?” Chris tilted his head. “Is it so hard to believe that I could change? That the abuse I got made me see things clearer?”

“I want to believe you,” Adam answered.

“Then do.” Chris kept the eye contact and after a moment of silence Adam nodded.

“I’m relieved,” Adam sighed then and smiled slightly. “It will work out, Chris, we’ll get help for you after this and…”

“And we can all return to normal life, huh?” Chris returned the smile with a slight grin. “Happily ever after and all that jazz…”

“It’s possible. You’ve taken the first step by realising your wrong doings and it’s an important step.”

“I suppose so,” Chris grinned.

**^^**^^**^^**^^**

When Adam came to visit, Joni was alone at home, his siblings at school, his parents and Misha at work.

“This time I have good news,” Adam smiled as Joni led him to the kitchen.

“Oh?” Joni asked with slight doubt in his voice. “Want some coffee?” He added, already searching for the coffee from the cupboard.

“Sure, thanks,” Adam nodded and took a seat down.

“So… what is the good news?” Joni asked and placed a plate of cookies in front of Adam before searching for the coffee cups. In some ways it felt weird being alone with Adam, Chris’s best friend and on the other hand perhaps Adam was the best person to understand the pain, Chris had betrayed his trust severely as well.

“Chris seems to finally understand that he did wrong to you. He talked about the pictures and…” At this Joni visibly tensed, he turned to Adam leaning onto the kitchen counter.

“And?” He asked carefully.

“Well, he told you not to worry, he hasn’t posted them anywhere nor does he intend to. He has online backup file of them and he gave me the needed information so you could access them and destroy the copies.” Joni was silent, he wasn’t sure what to think, what to believe. He took the coffee pot and poured the dark, hot drink for them both. “He said he’s sorry and that he regrets. He said you shouldn’t worry.  He wouldn’t want you to worry.” Joni still didn’t say anything, he tried to process the whole thing in his head and his instincts screamed at him to not trust it and yet… He wanted to be able to believe it so desperately. After placing the coffee pot back and taking the milk carton from the fridge Joni sat down opposite to Adam.

“Why now?” He asked. “It would make little sense to believe he’s being sincere.”

Adam shrugged and took a sip, thought about it for awhile before replying. “He said he had a lot of time to think at the hospital, perhaps… Perhaps it simply opened his eyes?” Joni recognised the hopefulness behind Adam’s gaze and knew he wanted to believe Chris’ ability to change just as badly as he did. Deep down both of them must have known that this trust would be naïve to give and yet the desire to finally be able to burry the past was stronger.

“Perhaps…” Joni finally replied with quiet tone. “I want nothing more than to just… move on.”

“I know,” Adam smiled. “And you can. Here…” He took a small paper from his wallet and gave it to Joni. “I wrote you the information that Chris gave me concerning the pictures.”

“Thank you.”

**^^**^^**^^**

Joni sat in front of his computer staring at the paper with the information to access his painful past… the key to destroy it… If only it could be just that simple. He thought about what Chris had told him the last time they had spoken; it certainly hadn’t seemed that he would be willing to give up. Could he really change just like that? Could a beating change his ex or open his eyes to truth? Could it take away the bitterness? Deep down, Joni knew the answer, Chris was master of deception, after all he had been able to lie so well to his parents. Why would he believe he was being sincere now? – Because he wanted to believe it, because he wanted to move on.

The choice of the email and the password felt slightly troubling as well, Chris had created the email just for this, just for him and the password… forever JC…It was how Chris had seen it, at least before, being forever… Disturbing…

Joni was hesitant to check if the file was right, what if it was only another trick? And honestly, he didn’t think that he would be ready to see those pictures again. The connection to the morning that Chris had first forced himself on him was perhaps too strong and Joni didn’t want to relive those moments in his memory.

When Misha arrived, Joni still hadn’t opened the file. The blond found his boyfriend in front of his desk and smiled when walking closer. “Hi there,” Misha said before leaning closer to kiss the brunets cheek.

“Hi,” Joni smiled back. “How was your day?”

“Fine. Yours? Did you meet Adam?” At this Joni nodded and stood up.

“Chris gave him this,” Joni said and handed the piece of paper to Misha. “It should contain the copies… of the pictures…” He said and folded his arms over his chest while observing Misha’s reaction. Misha checked the information on the paper finding the password rather creepy which made him frown before looking at Joni.

“That’s… surprising”, he said. “What did Adam say about this?”

“He just said that Chris had… Well, that he’s sorry and to prove that he’s sorry he wanted me to have these back.”

“And the pictures were in this file?” Misha asked with doubt, finding it difficult to believe that Chris was suddenly willing to let them go. Joni shrugged.

”I haven’t checked… I’m… I don’t know… it feels uncomfortable.”

“Want me to take a look?” Misha asked calmly and Joni gave him a hesitant, perhaps a bit frightened look.

“It’s… embarrassing…”

“The pictures are of you naked, right?” Misha spoke with calm tone of voice. “Joni, I’ve seen you naked and it’s far from being embarrassing. Of course I would like these kinds of pictures of you to be private, only for my eyes and no one else.” He smiled slightly and touched Joni’s cheek.

“Not just naked…” Joni murmured. “It’s… posing… like you know… showing… things…” He was blushing and touching his neck nervously.

“Well, I’ve seen your… things as well,” Misha smiled trying to remain calm, he didn’t like the idea of Chris taking such pictures of Joni, but he needed to act natural about it now. Joni glanced at him, smiling briefly before turning and taking a seat on his bed. He drew his knees close to his chest hugging them and looking back at his boyfriend. Perhaps in some way it would ease his mind if Misha would see some of them, if he wouldn’t judge him for them. “Can you promise that you just take a quick glance, to see if they are right? Then delete them. There might be things you really don’t want to see and I’d die if you saw them.”

Sex pictures? - Misha wondered feeling himself tensing slightly. It was a troubling idea, he didn’t know how he’d react if he saw Chris doing something to… “Nothing will explode on my face?” He tried to joke, chuckling nervously.

“Uh… I should do this… This is too uncomfortable…” Joni groaned dropping his feet’s on the floor, about to stand up.

“No, just stay where you are. I’ll take a quick look and then delete them”, Misha promised already taking a seat in front of the computer. He took a deep breath and typed in the address. Joni felt his stomach churn maybe this was a really bad idea? What if Misha would start despising him? He lied down on the bed, holding a pillow over his chest, not daring to look at Misha.

Misha wrote down the user information and the password, accessing the file. There were three different folders named: sweet 18, birthday present and hotness. Misha gritted his teeth, his heart beat speeded up and he tried to guess the safest content. Finally he decided to open the sweet 18 file; there were 25 pictures of Joni, naked and posing over a bed. In first pictures the youth seemed very much amused, grinning at the camera kneeling over the bed and hiding his private parts, next pictures the poses changed and though Misha hadn’t indented to take a closer look, it was difficult not to. His cheeks grew hot and his pulse speeded up, indeed one could see every bit of Joni… It left him with bothering state of arousal and conflicting anger directed at the man behind the camera.

Misha cleared his throat and closed the folder, but the images still kept playing in his head.

“It was right, wasn’t it?” Joni’s quiet voice asked and Misha turned his face towards him. His boyfriend was lying on his side on the bed looking at him insecurely.

“Yes…” Misha answered hoarsely. Sadness overthrew the arousal, he felt sad for Joni and upset. Chris had taken advantage of Joni so early on without Joni realising it. What else was in those folders, he wondered to himself. What else Joni didn’t remember? He didn’t really want to see what else Chris had photographed and with a heavy sigh he deleted the whole content of the file.

“Did you delete them?” Joni asked and Misha turned his chair to him.

“Yes, they are gone”, he nodded watching Joni carefully.

“You look at me so strangely, do you despise me now?” Joni asked quietly and slowly sat up.

“Of course not, I admire you; you’ve come through really well after all that. I guess it just really starts to sink in how much wrong he did to you and how long…” Misha stood up and approached the brunet who kept his eyes on him. Misha kneeled on the floor in front of him, smiling softly and bringing his hand on his lover’s cheek. “I wish I would have opened my eyes sooner, I wish I would have come and talk to you sooner.”

“I guess there is no point dwelling in what ifs, it is what it is”, Joni replied and took Misha’s hand. “Come here…” He coached, pulling the blond on the bed, to lie on top of him. Misha leaned to kiss the brunet’s lips slowly and once he broke away from the kiss Joni smiled.

“I feel relieved, so incredibly relieved….” Joni sighed, bringing his hand in Misha’s hair. “I’m free, finally I’m free, we both are!” He grinned and brought his head up to kiss Misha again. “So this is the time where you can gloat how you and dad were right and I was wrong, but for this I’m happy to be wrong,” Joni chuckled.

Misha gave a concerned look to his boyfriend, feeling unsettled over the situation. “What’s wrong?” Joni asked and frowned. Misha sat up slowly and Joni followed the example.

“What did Adam say exactly? I mean what did Chris say?” The blond asked and Joni tilted his head confused of the worry, he had expecting Misha to feel the same relief as he.

“That he understands now, that he needs to let me go and that he wouldn’t want me to worry. He gave that file to show he’s being sincere. I thought you’d be happy?”

“Of course I am… If it’s true…” Misha said quietly, reaching to take Joni’s hand.

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t you think that this is little bit sudden and strange? Why now?”

“Because…” Joni kept a small pause and swallowed. “…because your plan worked, Chris understands now, he won’t bother me anymore. He understands. It’s over and we can move on.” Misha saw how desperately Joni wanted to believe it and he hated to be the one to point out that the danger hadn’t vanished yet, not just like that.  

“I worry… This might just be another game of his, an attempt to gain your trust perhaps,” Misha shrugged. “He is a sick man, unless he gets real help, real therapy, we shouldn’t trust anything he says. It’s a bit random that he should decide to give the photographs to you now, he might have other copies as well and…”

“Don’t…” Joni said, pulling his hand away. He drew his knees close to his chest once more. “Don’t do this… I want it over, it has to be over.”

“Baby…” Misha whispered. “I’m not attempting to make you unhappy; I just want you to be careful.”

“You said it you arranged the beating so that it would help, then why-?”

“I never said you could start trusting Chris,” Misha reasoned. Joni gave him a hurt look and stood up. He paced in the room for awhile before sitting down in front of his desk looking outside. Most leaves had fallen from the trees, it was grey and rainy, such depressing weather.

“What do you expect me to do then?” Joni asked, keeping his gaze outside. “Keep worrying? Constantly looking over my shoulder in fear of what Chris might come up with next?” He turned his gaze back to Misha, his eyes glimmering slightly from tears he tried to fight against. “I can’t live my life like that, none of us can’t.” Misha stood up and approached, he stood next to Joni, lowering his hand on his shoulder gently rubbing it. The brunet looked up to him. “Can’t you see that this worrying won’t help us?” He asked. “Let’s just… Move on, okay? I can’t see any other way.” Misha was quiet for a moment.

“I just want you to be careful, never trust that man, promise? And if he ever tries to contact you, you tell me or your dad?”

Joni sighed and nodded slowly. “I promise, if you promise to let this subject go now? I don’t want to talk about him anymore, it’s… exhausting me.” Misha nodded and Joni stood up. He wrapped his arms around the blond and kissed his lips. “This is new start for us, I want to live my life with you,” Joni smiled. “And I want… To… explore things with you…” He grinned, raising his brow suggestively, while his hands travelled down on Misha’s back. Another kiss that caused Misha to moan.

“You do a good job in distracting me”, Misha whispered.

“Good”, Joni smiled and again brushed his lips against his boyfriends. “Then let’s go to your place… I think I want some undisturbed alone time with you… I need it…” The suggestive look on the younger man’s face, almost made Misha forget everything else. He swallowed hard.

“You are teasing me…” The blonde whispered with hoarse voice.

“Not just teasing… I hope,” Joni grinned and Misha could feel himself hardening at the thought of what they could do. “New start, new life… I want to enjoy it…” Joni kept whispering, his lips caressing Misha’s neck.

“Then… we better get going…” Misha said his hand caressing Joni’s side. At that moment he too pushed the thoughts of Chris aside. Just as badly as Joni, he too wanted it all to disappear, but he also knew that it couldn’t, not this easily.

TBC.

A/N: Please review , either on shout box or the questbook where the review link leads to :)

         Web published: January 23th, 2012.

            My Secret Shore

© KOLGRIM

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