Chapter 27
He
put the sunglasses on
carefully before
taking the offered hand to help himself stand. His heart was beating
madly,
nervously, Misha’s arm rounded his shoulders, Katja took his
bag
and smiled at
him softly.
The
pain was slightly dulled
by all the pain killers
pumped into him, but still it was there to some extent and Joni felt
nervous about
what lay ahead, too nervous to dwell on the fact that Misha was close
to him,
treating him in this gentle supportive way.
Joni
looked down at his feet
while walking,
afraid to be seen by people he didn’t want to be seen by,
someone
who might
recognise him. He dimly thought that being held like this by Misha
would just
draw further attention but his support was needed so he let the thought
go.
It
was raining softly when
they got outside,
but the sky was not completely dark, there were rays of sun that still
stubbornly tried to peak out from behind of the darkening clouds.
Joni
felt the first droplets
on his skin, soft
caresses of the wind, Misha led him to his car and opened the door,
Katja said
something but Joni’s attention was on the sky, on the path of
sun
that now
poured from the crack of clouds almost like a shower, he
couldn’t
really see
through his left eye, but his right one wasn’t damaged as
much.
Everything felt
quite surreal, almost like in a dream. Part of him wondered if it was
in fact a
dream.
“Joni?”
Katja’s voice, Joni turned his face to
her.
“Call
me if anything
comes up and promise me
you’ll see your father tomorrow, he really worries about
you.”
He
nodded, knowing he
couldn’t avoid seeing him
forever though still he did not feel comfortable with the thought.
“Is
the trunk
opened?” Katja asked Misha and
lifted the bag slightly which held Joni’s clothes that she
had
gathered from
the apartment that had held some evidence of the earlier fight between
the two;
seeing the signs of struggle had chilled her to the bones.
“Yes,”
Misha
answered while helping Joni to
take a seat, the hand on his tightened, a subtle pained whimper made
itself
known from Joni’s lips. It was painful to witness. Misha
leaned
over to help
Joni buckle the seatbelt; an effort the younger man quickly stopped.
“I’m
not… a baby…” He almost hissed and
reached down to
do it himself, which almost
caused Misha to chuckle; at least there was some snappiness left in the
youth.
“Fine,
fine,”
Misha whispered and closed the
door.
“If
anything…
well…” Katja hesitated looking at
the men.
“I’ll
call
you,” Misha smiled, “you can come
over to see him tomorrow.”
Katja
nodded, “Thank
you again,”
“It
really is no
problem,” Misha assured and
the woman nodded, said her goodbye and walked towards her own car.
Joni
rested his head against
the backrest, his face
turned towards the window, he didn’t turn when Misha stepped
into
the car, he
could feel his eyes on him before the car was started but Misha
didn’t say
anything and neither did he.
His
head started pounding
again, his swollen
eye throbbed with pain, he figured he would need another painkiller
soon. And
again Joni found himself wondering about the pictures and their fate.
Was it
possible that Chris had already sent them somewhere, being so pissed
off at
him?
He
felt his stomach churn at
the thought, the future
still seemed frightening.
They
parked in front of the
house and Joni
released himself from the seatbelt gritting his teeth as every movement
he made
was painful, bringing him to the verge of crying but he had decided not
to
allow himself do so; he had shed enough tears and he didn’t
want
Misha to
witness another weakness.
“Wait,”
Misha
asked stepping out of the car,
closing the door and approaching his side, Joni however had decided to
try and
help himself, he opened the door awkwardly pulling himself on his
trembling
feet.
“I
told you to
wait,” Misha frowned, his arms
reaching to support him.
“I…
can…
manage…” Joni insisted stubbornly his
hands resting flatly against Misha’s chest annoyed at himself
for
feeling so
weak.
“No
you
can’t,” Misha sighed, “and it’s
alright, we need to get you to bed to rest, just let me help you,
okay?”
Joni
groaned softly but
finally nodded and
accepted Misha’s support while they walked towards the house.
Having
heard the car Ivo
walked to the front
door and opened it, seeing Joni did cause pain inside him and a tingle
of anger
towards the asshole that had hurt him. He saw the worry reflect in
Misha’s eyes
as he slowly walked next to Joni to get him to the house.
When
Joni brought his chin
up Ivo smiled at him,
hiding any traces of the pity and worry he felt, knowing Joni he knew
it was
not what the youth wanted right now.
“Welcome,
I made soup,
Dima prepared his room
for you,” he grinned.
Joni
tried to smile, but it
was weak.
“Thank
you…” He whispered softly while close
enough.
“We’ll
be glad
to have you here,” Ivo assured
and closed the door after the two once they were in.
“I
think we should get
you upstairs to rest,”
Misha sighed looking at the stairs and then at Joni; the young man was
weak and
shouldn’t really stay on his feet for too long, it was after
all
just 24 hours
since his ordeal. Joni nodded carefully, even this small trip from the
hospital
had exhausted him further and though part of him wanted to deny how
hurt he was,
the other part knew better than to argue.
Joni
reached for the railing
slowly starting to
take the steps up,
“Maybe
it’s
better if I carry you?” Misha said
coming behind him after observing his awkward effort to climb up. Joni
groaned
and shook his head taking another step.
“No,
I’ll make
it on my own,” he insisted and
gritted his teeth.
“It
really
wouldn’t be any trouble,” Misha
tried,
“Thanks,
but no
thanks.” Joni remained
stubborn. Misha watched his slow approach for a while before sighing
and
picking him up.
“Misha,”
Joni
whined.
“It
just looked so
awkward,” Misha sighed “save
your strength and don’t argue….” he
said, trying to
take a secure hold of the
youth who wasn’t the most delicate flower to carry after all.
Joni,
though slightly
annoyed, knew there was
no point in trying to argue and so he gave in.
“Besides
carrying you
is quite a good exercise,
it will save me some time from the gym you know, just carrying you up
and down
the stairs, it’s quite brilliant if you think about
it.”
“Just
keep going
to… the gym….” Joni sighed
though feeling like grinning just a bit.
Misha
kicked the door to the
room open, the room
that had once belonged to Dima; the bed was already made just like Ivo
had said
and Misha carefully lowered Joni down and then kneeled to take his
shoes off.
“Wait
here, I’ll
bring you more pillows,” he
said and left before Joni could respond.
Joni
sighed looking around;
it felt strange
being there, he remembered all the times he had spent in this room as a
teenager, times he had slept on the floor on the mattress plotting his
silly
games to gain Misha’s… lust? love? desire?... It
seemed
like a lifetime ago and
yet it was less than three
years.
Misha
returned, gave him a
chaste smile and
then placed the pillows under his back, “Are you
comfortable
there? Do you
need anything else?”
He asked studying him carefully; Joni sighed and took the sunglasses
off
lowering them on the table and shifting on the bed.
“I’m…
ok…” he whispered finally not meeting
Misha’s gaze now that all of his bruises were again visible
to
him.
Misha
sat down on the edge
of the bed, there were
so many questions he would have liked to ask, but perhaps he should
wait?
“I’ll
bring you
some soup…” Misha finally
decided and stood up.
“I’m
not…
hungry….”
“Still,
you need to
eat,” Misha pointed out and
left the room.
Misha
walked downstairs and
into the kitchen
where Ivo was,
“Dima
went
home?” Misha asked,
“No,
he went to the
store, he’ll be back soon
to check on Joni.” Ivo responded turning to him; he was
already
setting a tray
for Joni with some soup and milk and, for dessert, pieces of
strawberries and
pineapple. “Ask him if he would like some tea
later,”
Misha
frowned slightly
watching his older
brother and then the small bouquet of flowers in a vase that he also
set on the
tray,
“What’s
with the
flowers?” It seemed odd to
him; had Ivo gotten the flowers for Joni? Okay, so the brat was hurt,
but
weren’t the flowers a bit cheesy? Would Joni like them?
Ivo
raised his brow,
noticing the slight
sourness in Misha’s voice that made him grin.
“The
flowers are from
Linda.” He explained.
“Oh…”
“You
can take the food
to him, I won’t step into
your territory,” Ivo teased and Misha shot him a glare.
“God,
you just
won’t give up, will you?” He
groaned.
“I
doubt I
will,” Ivo grinned, “now, here’s the
tray; go feed the poor lad.” Ivo said and placed the tray on
his
younger
brother’s arms.
The
pain was worse now then
it had been the
first time Chris had gone overboard, yet the first time and most of the
times since,
he had still had to stand the man’s presence and
‘caring’. When Misha stepped
back into the room carrying the tray, a soft smile gracing his lips,
that alone
seemed to ease how poorly he felt. He had to admit that he felt save
here with
both Misha and Ivo around, when his imagination could easily persuade
him into
thinking that it was easy for Chris to somehow get free and come for
him.
“I’m
really
not…hungry…” Joni whispered.
“When
was the last
time you ate?” Misha asked
and Joni remembered they had brought him breakfast and lunch at the
hospital
which he hadn’t really touched much, except for the water and
juice.
“At
the
hospital…” it was a small lie and when
he realised that actually the last time he had eaten something solid
was at the
party two nights ago it managed to amaze him. Misha raised his brow but
nodded
just the same.
“Still,
even if you
don’t feel hungry you still
need to eat, come on, just some soup, it’s easy to
swallow.”
Misha
took a seat close to
him with the bowl in
his hands mixing it slightly with the spoon.
If
Joni had been able to, he
would have
frowned.
“I’m
not a
baby… I don’t need to be fed.” he
sighed, honestly this was humiliating enough as it was,
“You’re
hurt,” Misha pointed out.
“I
know… I feel
it…” Joni almost snapped it was
lucky perhaps that his voice was much too weak to sound rude.
“I’ll do it myself,”
he nodded, pulling himself up slightly more; though his muscles
protested and
another intense wave of pain moved through him making him gasp,
stubbornly
however he reached his hands towards the bowl wanting to prove to Misha
that he
could do this himself.
Sighing
Misha leaned so that
the bowl would be
close to Joni’s face, “Let me at least hold it,
okay?”
Just
a nod, no more and
Joni’s shivering hand
closed around the spoon, he felt like an old man attempting to eat and
the
embarrassment inside him grew as he just couldn’t hold his
hand
steady enough
to not spill anything.
“Joni
please,”
Misha said after watching this
awkward act for a moment; the soup had spilled slightly on the blanket
from the
spoon and when finally Joni had managed to get it into his mouth; some
didn’t
quite make it there and, trying not to grin, Misha took a napkin and
wiped his
mouth with it.
Joni
felt a blush creeping
onto his skin, he
simply hated, HATED that Misha had to see him like this, he had to look
away,
gritting his teeth. “Not hungry,” he muttered after
a
moment, trying to push
the bowl away.
Misha
felt frustrated.
“Listen
Joni, you need
to eat!” He said
sternly, “and you’re going to, now be a good boy
and let me
feed you,” he took
the spoon and brought it close to Joni’s mouth,
“open,”
A
quick glare through his
healthy eye, then
looking away he silently opened his mouth and allowed this ridiculous
feeding to
take place. “Good, see; it’s not that
bad.” Misha
smiled and fed him another
spoonful and another, Joni said nothing, didn’t really look
at
him but he ate
and that was important.
“What’s
with the
flowers?” Joni asked quietly
after a while when the bowl had been emptied.
Misha
smiled at the question
similar to the one
he asked Ivo.
“They’re
from
Linda.” He explained.
“Sorry
you got
battered by your boyfriend…
here’s flowers…” Joni muttered quietly
and sighed,
he felt slightly depressed.
Misha
watched him quietly,
“Why did you stay
with him?” He asked unable to stop himself.
Joni
shifted uncomfortably,
silence, “I’m
sleepy now.” He whispered lying down and closing his eyes to
signal that he
didn’t want to talk about it.
Misha
frowned watching him
but thought it was
best to not push further, there would be time later.
“Would
you like some
tea? Pain killers?”
“Painkillers,
water…” the answer came in a
quiet whisper.
“Alright,”
**^^**^^**
Late
that night after Joni
had fallen asleep,
Misha decided to get himself a book and a cup of tea before sneaking
into
Dima’s room and taking a seat on the small couch close to the
window, he lit a
small lamp not wanting to disturb Joni’s sleep but not
wanting
him to stay
alone either in case… something came up. Outside it had
started
to rain more
heavily, a soft thrumming on the roof above them.
Dima
had visited earlier, he
was clearly upset upon
seeing his friend this way and the poor boy was blaming himself for not
acting
sooner when he had suspected that something was wrong. For Misha it had
been
somewhat interesting to watch the meeting between the two friends, Joni
who was
in no doubt suffering from great pain had tried to comfort Dima and to
not
allow the amount of pain to be seen so clearly, he had done his best to
assure
Dima that he would be fine and that Dima had no reason to beat himself
up for a
situation he had had no control over.
Joni
was trying his best to
be brave, Misha
realised, and perhaps he tried to convince himself that he was indeed
doing
better than he was.
He
sighed and tried to make
himself comfortable
with the tea cup in one hand and the book in the other. He soon found
himself
staring at the bed where Joni laid; it was still upsetting to see him
so hurt.
Why
had he stayed? Misha
wondered as it still
didn’t make any sense to him, and he continued to observe
Joni as
if he could see
the answers this way; of course he couldn’t.
Foolish
brat – he
thought to himself, why was
he always getting himself into trouble? The upset he felt
didn’t
leave, it only
increased; simply the thought of how close it had really been for Joni
to lose
his life and there were things left unspoken.
Another
sigh before he
almost got up when he
heard a small whimper from Joni, but the youth was still sleeping.
In
any case, whatever Ivo
thought about, this
was not the time to pursue any kind of relationship with the brat,
except for friendship
of course. Intimacy might scare him, Misha wondered and thought he
should give
him some space after the bruises had healed. He didn’t know
how
one was
supposed to deal with rape victims, could their sex life ever return to
normal?
He knew himself well enough - when excited enough could he be patient
and
gentle and slow? He was after all quite sexual when it came to
relationships
and…. would Joni ever want that again? His thoughts were
confusing and he felt
a pinch of guilt for even thinking about matters of sex at a moment
like this.
When
Joni’s outer
wounds were healed, he should
restrain himself and keep a distance, should give Joni some room and
assure that
he would not… scare him with his own want…
Because now he
knew it was there, he
was aware that he had some feelings for the brat and that he was
attracted to
him. This was more complicated than he wished it to be.
After
a while he resumed
reading his book,
sipping his tea until the cup was empty; the rain still tapped on the
roof
evenly.
*^*^*^*
The
room was dark, but it
was slowly broken by
blue light coming from the window, Joni tilted his head looking around;
the
bed, the table, the posters… his hand rose to his face; he
didn’t feel the
bruises and instantly scanned the room for a mirror, there was one
close to the
bed, he walked forward, the blue took on a softer shade and he saw his
face; it
was unharmed. Had it all been a dream? Was this
a dream? Where was he?
“I
thought we could go
out tonight,” a voice
said and Joni turned; Chris stood in the doorway and he was smiling,
“wouldn’t
you like that?”
He
felt confused and Chris
approached; he was
holding a beer and took a gulp, then he smiled again. “But we
can’t, can we
dear?” He shook his head and sighed and immediately Joni felt
his
face
throbbing with pain, he gasped, brought his hand up once more; now he
felt the
swelling and confusion spread turning into panic,
“pathetic… pathetic little
slut…” Chris spat and the smile was gone. The
bottle fell
to the floor and the
hands closed around his throat, he fell on the bed, gasped and tried to
free
himself, he couldn’t breathe. “I’ll
fucking kill you
if I must!”
Misha
had almost dozed off
when the whimpering
woke him up, Joni was tossing on the bed, gasping in his sleep, clearly
having
a nightmare. He instantly got up and walked closer, kneeling close to
the bed
and shaking him softly to make him snap awake from his dream; Joni
almost
slapped him before his eyes opened. His hands went to his throat to
soothe the
skin, confusion in his alerted gaze. “You just had a
nightmare,” Misha spoke
softly gently stroking his arm and hair, “you’re
safe,”
“I
couldn’t… breathe…”
“I
know…”
Misha whispered sadly, “it’s okay
now.”
Joni
felt nauseated from the
pain that suddenly
attacked him, his body shivered, his hand clenched Misha’s
shirt
unconsciously,
his breathing was fast and he still felt like he couldn’t
breathe
properly,
“F-fuck…”
he cursed, “Hurts…” he whimpered
wanting it desperately to stop.
Misha
felt helpless, he had
never felt quite so
helpless; he saw Joni’s pain clearly and could only wish that
he
were able to
take it away from him. “I’ll get you more medicine,
okay?”
Reluctantly
he eased his
hold on Joni and went
to get what he had promised.
He
stayed with Joni for the
rest of the night,
getting only a little sleep for himself, when the morning came he felt
exhausted,
The
rain had eased but it
was still grey
outside, he sat on the chair covering a yawn with his hand watching
Joni who
slowly woke up,
“Hungry?”
Misha
asked,
“Not
really…” A quiet whisper,
“You
should…”
“Eat,
I know...”
Joni sighed and Misha smiled
softly at him.
“I’ll
go and get
you something, perhaps some
porridge? You think you can swallow that?” Joni wrinkled his
nose
just slightly
not to pain himself more than necessary.
Misha
chuckled, “I
take that as a no, ah, I
think a smoothie? With yoghurt and some berries?”
“Sounds
better,”
Joni said and tried to smile.
“Okay,
I’ll be
back soon.”
Misha
yawned on his way to
the kitchen unsure
how he would ever survive his workday, then it came to his mind that he
could
call his boss and ask for two days off? Family trouble? Something like
that, he
didn’t like to lie to his boss, he was quite a loyal worker
who
hadn’t missed
work even for sickness since he had started so maybe just this once?
Perhaps he
would tell the truth, say that his partner was hurt, though Joni might
not be
that to him but close enough; he made his decision and searched for his
cell
phone.
He
was lucky; his boss
seemed to be on a rather
good mood that day and seemed very understanding when he explained that
his
partner had been seriously hurt and he would feel better not to leave
him alone
at a time like this. He was actually surprised how easy it proved to
be; he was
given two days off.
He
felt relieved, he knew he
wouldn’t have been
able to concentrate on his work now anyway. It wasn’t that he
would have had to
leave Joni alone, Ivo had his summer holiday after all, but still, he
felt
better being able to stay home especially in these first days that were
the most
difficult.
**^^**^^**
Joni
watched the book and
the tea cup on the
table, had Misha really stayed with him the whole night? He wondered
while
trying to tolerate the waves of pain going through him.
He
remembered what Misha had
said to him at the
hospital, calling him ‘his little brat’ saying he
had
worried, had feared to
lose him, saying things that meant that he really did care, things that
the 17
year old inside would have died to hear from him and of course even now
it felt
good. If only it could have been other circumstances than these, if
only he
would have never started his relationship with Chris, if only there was
a
chance to go back in time and change everything that had gone wrong. He
wondered just where would he start, knowing what he knew now his
approach to
Misha would have been different in the first place, he wondered how
they would
be if they had tried a relationship then?
Misha
stepped into the room
carrying a tall
glass with the berry smoothie. “Here comes
breakfast,” he
smiled at Joni
approaching the bed, “I brought another painkiller as
well.”
“Thank
you,”
“Want
me to help you
to sit up?”
“Nah,
I’ll
manage,” Joni assured and pulled himself
up slightly gritting his teeth at the process, Misha lowered the glass
on the
table and quickly reached to rearrange the pillows behind
Joni’s
back.
“There,”
he
smiled, and took the glass again,
“I put a straw there for you,” he grinned and
offered the
glass closer. “First
the pill, open your mouth,”
This
caring gentle side of
Misha still felt
confusing to Joni, he wasn’t sure if he deserved it.
He
opened his mouth
carefully and took the
offered pill before swallowing it down with the help of the smoothie.
“Will
you go to
work?” He asked after drinking half
of the smoothie.
“No,
I have a day off,
tomorrow as well.” Misha
lied, not wanting to say he had requested the days off.
“Plans?”
Joni
asked before reaching for the
straw again.
Misha
smiled slightly,
“Just hanging out with
you, perhaps I could read you something?”
“You
don’t have
to do all this…” Joni
whispered.
“But
I want to,”
Misha assured quickly, “with
the horrid weather outside and all…” he grinned,
“a
perfect day for reading.”
“Thank
you.”
Joni tried to smile relaxing
slightly.
He
finished his breakfast,
Misha went to have a
shower and eat, before returning with a new book in his hands. It was
raining
again, Joni closed his eyes and listened Misha’s smooth voice
as
he began to
read, there in that room for that moment he felt calm and safe.
**^^**^^**^^**
Asko
remembered the time
when he had first
visited the house, coming there now felt weird and he hadn’t
slept properly,
not in two nights. The air was cold, grey, the warmth of the previous
days
gone. He parked the car on the driveway and got up, sighed, trying to
prepare
himself but he wasn’t sure he could ever be ready to face
what he
would have
to.
It
still felt difficult to
understand, how
could he have been so blind to what Chris was? Thinking about the man
made him
feel sick; he had been friends with his son’s
abuser…
There was no describing
how ill he felt and the guilt… As a parent he felt like he
couldn’t have failed
any worse, he began to see his earlier mistakes and he did regret them,
he only
hoped that Joni could forgive him.
He
made his way to the
house, stood by the door
and rang the doorbell, waited. Moments later the door opened and he
found
himself looking at the man he had accused, over two years earlier, of
taking
advantage of his son. A gentle smile passed at the blond
man’s
lips as he held
the door open for him,
“Come
in,” he
asked and Asko nodded a bit
stiffly, slightly uncomfortable and unsure how the other man felt
towards him
or how he felt himself, he still believed that Joni had had a
relationship with
him before and wondered if it would now start all over again, he might
not like
the idea, but after everything he knew he shouldn’t try to
intervene.
“Where
is he? How is
he?” Asko asked removing
his shoes.
“He’s
upstairs
resting,” Ivo answered calmly,
“he’s quite tired but well, Joni is
tough,” Ivo gave
another gentle smile to
the worried father; “he’ll make it.” He
decided to
add. “Come I’ll show you the
way.” Ivo moved towards the stairs and glanced back at Asko
who
stayed silent
but moved towards him.
Misha
turned his gaze
towards the opening door and
lowered the book on his lap, soon finding himself looking at
Joni’s father who
seemed slightly surprised to see him there.
Misha
stood up and greeted
the man quietly
while Joni slowly opened his eyes. Joni saw how upset his father was;
how
shocked and pained he felt seeing the bruises on him, Joni
didn’t
say anything
just observed him with mild insecurity.
“We’ll
leave you
two alone,” Ivo said and gave a
slight nod towards his brother who then walked out the door with him.
The
door closed and Asko
approached the bed
carefully, no matter how he had tried to prepare himself it was still
harder
than he could have ever imagined, he fought the tearsback, sat down
slowly next
to him and clumsily lifted the box of chocolate for Joni to see,
“These
are for
you,” he tried to smile, “these
were your favourite when you were a little boy,” he whispered
and
Joni nodded
slowly, looking down at his hands.
“Are
you….
disappointed in me?” Joni asked with
a whisper.
“Disappointed?”
His father asked with surprise
to which Joni simply nodded, still not meeting his gaze.
“Gods,
Joni,
no… never… I’m…
I’m so sorry.”
He
whispered and tilted his head wanting to reach out for his child but he
felt
awkward and clumsy now, on the bed he saw his little boy, his small
boy, his
firstborn, sure now he was grown up, an adult and close to his own size
but
still, no matter what, to him he was always his child, a child he had
let down by
not being able to protect him from this pain.
Joni
glanced at him, his
lower lip trembled,
“I’m
sorry I let
you down, Joni, I’m so sorry…”
This time Asko reached to carefully touch his hair, still he felt
somewhat
awkward in his gesture fearing how Joni would react to it.
“Are
you mad at me?
That’s why you didn’t want to see me? I
don’t blame
you.” He whispered and drew
his hand back.
Joni
clenched his jaw and
shook his head
slowly,
“I’m
embarrassed,” he admitted after a while,
looking away, feeling uncomfortable.
“There’s
no
reason, Joni, there’s nothing to
feel embarrassed about.”
“Yes…
there
is…” the youth whispered, gave him
another quick glance, he shifted slightly, his lips parted and closed
almost
about to speak, but he hesitated, “I should be able
to…protect myself… but I
couldn’t and he…” he sighed miserably,
hiding his
face as he felt about to cry.
“Just go, dad,” he muttered.
“Chris
fooled us
all…” Asko said a bit tightly,
“I should have seen it, I should have never allowed your
relationship, and I
should have trusted my first instinct! Joni…. I’m
not
going, not now; we need
to talk about this.”
“What’s
there to
talk about?” Joni muttered,
“You heard what happened… you can see
it.”
Asko
sighed,
“I’d prefer you to come home, I’m
not comfortable with you staying here...” with
him, he almost added but managed
to
stop himself in time, yet Joni knew without him having to say it.
He
shook his head, his lips
curved upwards but
it was hardly a smile, “You still don’t get
it…” he whispered, “… Ivo is
kind
enough to let me stay here… and you’re not feeling
comfortable? Guess what? I’m
not feeling too comfortable either, for different reasons
though.”
“Joni,
I-“
“Dad
please… to
be honest, I’m… confused right
now… Ivo and I, we do not have any relationship except
…
brotherly friendship…
My relationship, my poor excuse for a relationship with Chris is
obviously over
and…” He sighed, “… he left
this big mess and
pain behind, and somehow I get by,
pick up the pieces and move on. I won’t extend my stay here
longer than
necessary, but I don’t want my siblings to see me like this,
they
are too young
to understand… or…“ Again Joni sighed
and looked
towards the window, “I just
don’t want to explain this to them now, I will,
later… one
day, when we’re all ready.”
Talking was getting easier now than it had been the previous day, but
his voice
was still raspy and quiet.
Asko’s
gritted his
teeth and he nodded stiffly,
“I
understand you
don’t want to explain it to
them, but… you have to talk about it,” he looked
at him
sadly, “I know it’s
still early, I know you’re exhausted, but you need to tell us
everything he
did.”
When
Joni was silent, his
father sighed again,
“when did it start? Did he hit you before?”
“Yes…
he lied
to you, he said I was sick that
time in the winter, when we couldn’t come over… It
started
then… he was
jealous…” Joni explained after a moment of silence.
Asko’s
fingers curled
into fists, he had never
felt such anger towards anyone before and it was difficult to control
it.
“That
son of a
bitch…” he muttered before
standing up, he started pacing in the room. “Why
didn’t you
tell us?” He asked
looking at him.
“I…
I
was… I was scared.” Joni answered,
“scared that he might…”
“Kill
you? Well he
almost did!” It just came
out without further thought, out of his nervousness.
Joni
looked away trembling,
he couldn’t help
the tears now and his hand reached to cover his face.
“Joni,
I’m
sorry…” The father said in a softer
tone and approached, upset at himself for causing his son to cry. This
time
there was only small hesitation before he closed the distance and drew
him into
a gentle hug. “You know I love you, don’t you? And
these
past days I was just
so worried for you…” He explained in a quiet
voice,
“I lost your mother; I
wouldn’t be able to stand losing you.”
Joni
slowly allowed himself
to relax in his
father’s hold, silent tears running down his pale skin.
“Can
you forgive me
that I was too blind to see
what was going on?” Asko asked, stroking his back,
“Yes,
I was good at
hiding…” Joni whispered
slowly pulling back, his father smiled sadly at him,
“Lie
down now, you
need your rest.” He said and
arranged the cover on him better before gently reaching to ruffle his
hair,
“you’ll get better, I know you’re
strong.”
“I’ll
get
better.” Joni nodded and looked at
him trying to smile.
“Have
you talked with
the cops yet?”
“No,
not yet, I expect
them soon.”
Asko
nodded, “Well
then, I’ll come and see you
tomorrow again, can I?”
“Yes,
thanks for the
chocolate.”
“No
problem, remember
to rest and eat.”
“I
will, don’t
worry dad.”
“I
can’t help
it.” Asko smiled gently and got
up, “see you tomorrow.”
“Dad?”
Joni’s voice stopped him at the door and
he turned to look at him. “I love you too.” The
voice was
quiet but loud enough
for him to hear, and Asko felt the warmth in his heart, almost getting
a little
teary-eyed; he hadn’t heard those words from Joni’s
lips in
years.
“It
feels good to hear
you say that Joni, try
to get some sleep.”
He said smiling
before opening the door and leaving the room closing the door softly
behind
him. There was still hope, but the road to full recovery would be long.
**^^**^^**^^**^^**
Adam
followed the officer
into the small room
where Chris was seated. He wasn’t sure what to think, Chris
had
called him
yesterday in the early morning and asked for him, said he needed help
and had
no one else to call, Joni had left, Joni’s new boyfriend had
assaulted him and
he was sent to prison; that was what Chris had explained on the phone,
nervously
and agitated.
Shortly
after Chris’
call Adam had learned the
actual story from his father in law who had earlier
talked
with Joni’s dad.
Chris
was his friend, he
didn’t want to believe
he had really done it, but deep down he knew that there was no way to
deny it
further. He felt sick, guilt and anger mixing with sadness. He had
needed a day
to cool off before going to see him.
Chris
was looking rather
pale, he saw the
bruises on his face, it wasn’t really that bad, Chris had
made
it sound worse on the
phone. The door
closed and they were allowed to talk, Chris had his eyes narrowed
“This
is
bullshit,” he snarled, “You have to
help me out, Adam.”
Adam
sighed before taking a
seat down opposite
his friend.
“Do
you realise what
you did?” He asked
observing him carefully, Chris’ lips tightened, he was silent.
“Chris,
you could have
killed him,” Adam
hissed,
“How
is Joni?”
Chris suddenly asked, his hands
resting on the table in front of him, fingers tapping the surface
restlessly.
“How
do you think he
is?” Adam replied somewhat
coldly, “he spent a night at the
hospital…”
Chris
leaned back on his
chair, this time
tapping his feet against the floor, looking around, “God I
could
really use a
smoke.”
“How
could you do
that?” Adam asked after a
moment of silence, Chris wasn’t looking at him.
“They
have no right to
take my cigarettes.”
Chris said, narrowing his eyes at the door.
“Assholes.”
“Chris,”
Adam
repeated,
“Where
is Joni
now?” Chris asked looking back
at him,
“I
really don’t
think it’s your business
anymore.”
To
this Chris snorted,
“With his new boyfriend
then? Should have guessed…” The tone was bitter,
“I’ll sue his mother fucking
ass.”
“Are
you listening to
yourself?!” Adam snapped,
“What you did to Joni…”
“That
who-“
Chris stopped before finishing, he
cleared his throat, “I didn’t mean to hurt him, not
like
that… I was just so
angry; he was cheating on me this whole time. Just playing with me,
with my
feelings… I love him…” Chris looked at
Adam
carefully, looking a little lost
and sad, “Can you tell him I love him? Can you tell him
I’m
sorry? I will get
better, once I get out of here, I’ll… I can
change, we can
get help.” He
nodded.
Adam’s
mouth felt dry,
the sudden shifts in
Chris’ attitude were odd and he wondered why he
hadn’t paid
attention to it
before.
“It’s
over
Chris, surely you can see that, you won’t
see him anymore, it’s not healthy, you do need help and
we’ll get you help.”
Chris
eyes narrowed,
“Fuck you Adam, you don’t
care, all you care about is pleasing that bitch of yours.
You’re
going to
abandon me, huh, take his side? Well fuck you!”
Adam’s
eyes widened,
he shook his head in
disbelief and anger, he was about to stand and leave.
“Look
Adam, I’m
sorry, I didn’t mean it, it’s
just this place, it makes me nervous and they took my
cigarettes.” He explained
and rubbed his forehead, “please forgive me, please sit down,
don’t leave me
alone. Can you ask them to give me my cigarettes? I should have rights,
this is
only pretrial
detention.”
Adam
sighed, “Okay
Chris, I go and ask,” he
promised and walked towards the door, he didn’t approve of
what
Chris had done,
he felt angry at him, but nonetheless Chris had been his friend for a
long time
and he obviously needed to seek help for his problems.
15
minutes later Chris
sighed with relief after
taking first inhale of smoke, and after a taste of the coffee brought
to him.
“Ah,
just what I
needed,” He said and again
drew a smoke. “I’ll hire a good lawyer; they
can’t
keep me here for long. This
is just bullshit.” He said and reached for the ashtray.
Adam
watched him and took a
sip of his own mug,
“Did you rape him, too?” Adam forced himself to
ask,
“That’s one of the charges
isn’t it?” He tried to be calm but it was difficult
to
watch his long time
friend and ask if he had committed such a horrid crime.
Chris
was silent and kept
smoking, before his
lips curved to a dark grin; he was looking at the wall and only glanced
at Adam
briefly.
“He’s
my
boyfriend.” He replied, “I had sex with my
boyfriend.”
Adam
felt his stomach
tighten, he felt slightly
ill, “You said you love him.” He spoke quietly.
“Yes,”
Chris
nodded,
“You
have strangled
him, you abused him and
you…you forced him. Chris… He won’t be
able to work
in months; he’s on bed rest
and on pain medication… is that really how you love?”
Chris
lips tightened and he
looked away, “I
know about your dad, I know what he’s like, how he treats
your
mom; how he
treated you… and now you’re no better than him.
Why,
Chris?”
“Don’t
play this
shit on me.” Chris snapped,
glaring at him, “Joni cheated on me, I fucking lost my nerve,
his
fucking
attitude… he…”
“I
don’t care
what Joni did, even if he had
slept with a whole football team, what you did was
inexcusable,”
Again Adam
stood up, “I give up…” he sighed and
again walked
towards the door.
“Adam,”
Chris
called weakly, Adam gritted his
teeth and turned to his friend, “is Joni really doing that
bad? I
didn’t mean
to hurt him so badly, honest… I just didn’t want
to lose
him, he has someone
else…”
“You’ve
lost him
Chris, and now you need to let
go, if you ever cared for him, right now the best way to show that is
to admit to
what you did, to take the punishment and let him go.”
Adam
watched him and waited
for an answer, “I
can’t,” Chris replied and shook his head,
“I want to
talk with him, tell him
that I need to talk with him to apologise.”
“You’re
the last
person on earth he wants to
see right now, you screwed up, if you can’t realise that then
I
can’t help
you.”
“You’re
my
friend.”
“And
Joni is part of
my wife’s family.”
“So
you’re
abandoning me?” The tone was bitter.
“I
won’t have to
if you do the right thing and
you know what that is…” Adam gave him a pointed
look,
Chris glared at him but
stayed silent, leaving his friend like that felt difficult but Adam
hoped his
words had had some impact on him. Chris needed help, he needed to
realise it
for himself and he needed to truly want help to give up his obsession
over
Joni, love obviously didn’t have anything to do with it.
Web
published: June 20th,
2009
My Secret Shore
© KOLGRIM 2006 - 2009